Dad's Army (1968) s05e10 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Sir? Oh, sherry.
Thank you very much.
Quite a treat.
-Only one glass each, I'm afraid.
-Oh.
Good evening to you, sir.
Ah, hello, Wilson.
I'm very glad to have you here as my guest tonight.
Some of the most influential people in Walmington-on-Sea here tonight, you know? -Ah, yes.
-Oh, yes.
The.
-I say, that's our Chairman over there.
-Is it, really? Fascinating.
Thank you so much, my dear.
How very, very kind of you.
Thank you so much.
I say, what a very pretty brooch you've got on.
-Thank you.
It was my granny's.
-Was it, really? Oh, it seems to match the colouring of your hair so well.
Thank you, sir.
I'll slip you another one when you've finished that.
Well, I shall keep you up to that.
Thank you very much indeed.
-It's very sweet of you.
Thank you.
-Wilson, never mind the waitress.
-I'm sorry.
-I'm pointing out the Chairman to you.
He's looking over this way.
I think I've caught his eye.
He's the managing director of Precision Extrusions, you know.
-Is he? Is he, really? -Yes.
-Oh, yes.
My goodness me.
-You could ingratiate yourself there.
Yes.
-Ah, good evening, sir.
-Evening.
-May I introduce my chief clerk, Wilson.
-It's Arthur, isn't it? Yes, that's right.
It is.
Good grief! I'm Tony Fairbrother.
-We were at school together.
-Were we, really? -Yes.
We shared a study together for three terms.
-Did we, really? Yes, of course, I remember now.
How very nice to see you.
-After all this time.
Yes.
Good heavens.
-How nice to see you.
Wilson has been my chief clerk for eight years now.
-Steven's here.
Steven Sebag.
-Is he, really? Steven Sebag.
-Course, he's Sir Steven now.
-Of course he is.
Yes.
-Look, come and see him.
He's as bald as a coot.
-Is he, really? Poor old thing.
Grass never grows on a busy street, does it? -Excuse us, Manington.
-WILSON: Come and sit down.
Mainwaring, actually.
WILSON: I think I did.
I let him off, I think, in the end.
Do sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
Hello, Bathurst.
Golf all right? Good.
-Evening, Captain Mainwaring.
-Ah, Jones.
How nice to see you here representing the butchers of Walmington-on-Sea.
Yes, and tonight I'm representing the Athletics Association as well, you know.
-Are you really? -Yeah.
Mr Cutforth, who usually represents them, he's had to go to the Darby and Joan Club.
You know, that's what I like about these gatherings.
-Everybody here represents a profession or a craft.
-Yeah.
Evening, Cap.
-What are you doing here? -Well, why shouldn't I be here? I wasn't aware that under-the-counter dealing was a profession.
No, but it's a craft, isn't it? Anyway, if it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't be knocking back that sherry.
And those chicken croquettes you're gonna have later, would have been made of whale meat instead of rabbit.
-Hello, Joe.
-Hello, Governor.
How are you? -Good evening, Mr Jones.
-Good evening, sir.
Good evening, Colonel.
Oh, sorry, Mainwaring.
I didn't see you.
COLONEL: Thank you, my dear.
Well, are you chaps looking forward to the scheme on Saturday? Scheme? What scheme? -Oh, I forgot.
None of your chaps are taking part.
-Why aren't we taking part? Yes, Mr Mainwaring, how come we've been taken short? Well, it's the training major's idea.
It was the training major's idea, really.
He wants to form a sort of Home Guard commando unit out of the younger, fitter chaps.
Oh, yes, I did hear something about it.
Yes, he wants a sort of striking force to operate behind the enemy lines.
You know, winkling out petrol dumps, blowing them up and so on.
That's right! -We sent Pikey down to HQ for an interview.
-Did he get in? No, he couldn't find HQ.
I think the whole thing's a complete farce.
We're not commandos and never will be.
Why not, Mr Mainwaring? I can winkle out things as well as them young chaps.
I'm a very good winkler, I am.
No, no.
Brains, intelligence and local knowledge, those are our weapons.
-Not muscle and brawn.
-Yes, I must say, I do agree with you.
-I was dead against it.
-But it is a bit of an insult to the old chaps.
-I mean, the older campaigners.
-Yes, I feel very spurned, I do.
Take your seats at the table, please, gentlemen.
-Well, we better be going in.
-Yes.
I suppose you chaps wouldn't like to take part and prove your point, would you? Yes, why not? I mean, we're game for anything, aren't we? Always very game, sir.
Yes, sir.
I'll see if I can get the training major to agree.
We'll talk about it after dinner.
WALKER: I'm at the top table.
I'll see you later.
Oh, is that my sherry? Thank you so much.
It's very kind of you.
-Very thoughtful of you.
Thank you so much.
-I say, Wilson.
Wilson.
-Thank you so much.
Most kind of you.
-Wilson! Thank you very much.
I'm sorry.
Can't you leave that girl alone? Here we are agaIn, happy as can be #All good pals and jolly good company StrollIng round the town.
Now, our job is to place that bomb either in or as near as we can get it to the OC's office, which is inside this little hut here.
The type of bomb we're going to use will be represented by this can.
Have you got it? Have you got the bomb? -Yes.
-Well, show it to them.
-Hold it up.
-Right, right, right.
The bomb.
Hey, I've got 1 50 of those if anyone wants to buy some.
Now Sergeant Wilson and I did a recce of this place yesterday and believe you me, the security here is absolutely first class.
These Home Guard commandos won't get anywhere near it.
There's no question about that.
It needs brains and intelligence.
And ingenuity, sir.
Ingenuity.
That's very useful for getting people into things.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
That's quite right, Jones.
Yes.
Now, a platoon of infantry are on guard at the gate here and all round the petrol dump is a 1 2-foot-high barbed wire fence, which overhangs at the top, and, in my opinion, is quite unclimbable.
Well, we could lean a ladder up against it.
That might arouse the suspicion of the guards, don't you think, Pike? Not if we dressed up as window cleaners.
Don't be silly, Frank.
I mean, there are no windows in barbed wire for heaven's sake.
-Oh, right.
-Could we not fling it, sir? -What? -The bomb.
Could we not fling it? Yeah, that's a good idea, Taffy.
Give it a highland fling.
Oh, Joe, shut up.
I'm trying to make sensible suggestions.
MAINWARING: Gentlemen, pay attention.
The distance between the hut and the wire, unfortunately, is 35 yards, Frazer.
But Corporal Jones did make one or two experiments in throwing, didn't you? Yes, sir.
I did, sir.
My first attempt, sir, it only went about 1 2 yards.
So I got hold of it by the handle and I whirled myself round and round like a whirling dervish, sir.
They do it in a trance, you know, sir.
They do a lot of whirling in a trance, do whirling dervishes, sir.
Anyway, I whirled myself round and round and I got dizzy, you see, sir.
That's probably because I wasn't in a trance, I expect.
And then the handle come off.
Yes.
Well, I don't think it'll work.
In any case, we're jumping the gun because we are, at first, to be dumped along this road here.
Somewhere along this road, as though we were parachutists.
Oh, we gonna be wearing parachutes? Course we're not wearing parachutes, you stupid boy.
What's stupid about that? Parachutists wear parachutes, don't they? Don't be impertinent, Pike.
Now, our job is to get across this river.
Either by means of the bridge or by any other means.
Captain Mainwaring, I'm rather anxious not to do any swimming.
Pontoons, sir.
That's what we need, sir.
Pontoons.
Aye, that's what we need, sir.
Pontoons.
Yes, all right.
Unfortunately, we haven't got any.
We could use Mr Frazer's coffins.
If you're going to go on being silly, Pike, I shall send you home.
Why can't we just walk across the bridge? For the very simple reason that the bridge and the banks of the river are being defended by the Royal West Kents.
-Good answer.
-Right.
Bluff, sir.
Bluff.
That's what we've got to use, sir.
Bluff.
We've got to use bluff.
Bluff.
And ingenuity, sir.
Ingenuity.
Sir, I wouldn't mind dressing up as a nun.
I did it once at a fancy dress ball and they said that I looked awfully holy.
Did they? I think that's a good idea, sir.
Young Pike here could be the novice and Jonesy could be the Mother Superior.
All right, all right.
We're always reading in the newspapers about parachutists dressing up as nuns.
I'm sure they'd see through it straightaway.
But that's where your ingenuity comes in.
We could be walking along as a nun crocodile.
We could just be going along nonchalant and those guards would say to themselves, ''They can't possibly be dressed up as artificial nuns ''or we would think they was parachutists.
''So they must be real nuns who are ventilating themselves in the air.
'' And then they will bless us and let us pass.
I don't think that's very practical.
In any case, it isn't easy to get hold of nun's habits these days.
Joe here could borrow some from the nuns at the orphanage.
It wouldn't be all that easy, Jonesy.
I don't do a lot of business with the orphanage.
Except for providing the orphans.
Well, except for.
Oi, watch it.
That's libel, that is.
Excuse me, sir, but Frank here has got a suggestion.
No! -WILSON: Go on.
-Yes, what is it? No, I don't want to tell you.
You'll say I'm being silly.
No, I won't.
Not unless you are being silly.
It's about coffins.
Oh, yes.
We could pretend to be a funeral.
They'd let a funeral across the bridge.
Yes, they probably would, Pike.
Except that that wouldn't be any help to us because they don't have funerals inside petrol dumps.
Unless they blow up.
Unless they blow up.
Stop talking like that, Walker.
No, no.
Whatever gets us across that bridge has got to get us into the petrol dump.
Yeah, hang on.
Just hang on, just a second now.
Now, I've got a shed round about here which I keep some of my essential supplies in, you see? If we all make our way there, and you keep your trap shut, -I might be able to help you.
-You can rely on our discretion.
There is another thing, Captain Mainwaring, keep your hands to yourself.
I mean, I don't want anything nicked.
I mean, that's the way I got it in the first place.
Just explain the plan, will you? Nobody's going to touch your property.
Right, now this is what we do.
Here we are agaIn Happy as can be #All good pals and jolly good company # Right, in here when you've got your uniforms on.
-Put your helmet on, Pike.
-But I can't see with it on.
Look.
Try it the other way round.
These are awfully rough, these things, at the back of the neck.
I know.
You've been mollycoddled too much, that's your trouble.
Hey! That's a fine machine, Joe.
How'd you come by it, son? When they were refitting the fire station, I offered them 1 0 quid for it.
I'll ask him about it.
I'll ask him, boys.
Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring, sir.
-Yes.
-Could you clear up a technical point, sir? Where do you want these axe handles dangling, sir? On the left rump or right rump? -The left, please.
-On the left rump, right.
All on the left rump, please! Dangling on the left rump, please! -All right, Jones, Jones! Hey! Corporal.
-Yes, right, sir.
-All right, that's enough.
-Very good, right.
Thank you, sir.
Right, now gather round and let's go through the plan once more.
Hurry up, Godfrey.
It's these trousers, sir, don't seem to be any buttons for my braces.
Can't you wear a belt? I always said trousers hang so much better from braces, don't you think so? Not a fashion parade, Godfrey.
Right, now at 3:1 0.
-1 5:1 0, sir.
-What did you say? -1 5:1 0 hours.
-Never mind that.
At 3:1 0, we shall all move out.
Now, two minutes later, a fire will be started outside the wire to the petrol dump.
I've taken care of that, sir.
I dumped a load of old packing cases and a couple of drums of sump oil just outside the wire.
Good.
Right.
So, at 1 2:03.
At 3:1 2 our secret agent will push the barrow of paraffin-soaked hay into the pile and ignite it.
-Is the secret agent laid on? -Oh, yes, yes.
I think it's safe to disclose the identity of our agent now.
-Oh, yes, yes.
-Who is it? The verger.
-The verger? -Yes, sir.
-Have you gone out of your mind? -Not at all, sir.
I thought it was supposed to be Mrs Pike? She couldn't make up her mind what she was going to wear.
-But the verger will get it all wrong.
-Oh, no, no.
I wrote it all down for him and gave him a 1 0 bob note.
I'm quite sure he'll be all right.
-Well, be it on your head.
-As usual.
Yes.
Now, this fire will help us to bluff our way across the bridge.
And when we reach the scene of the fire, what do you do, Frazer? My party unloads yon ladder, sir, and we set it up near the wire.
That's right, sir.
And then Pikey, me and the rest of the boys create a hullabaloo around the fire with our hoses.
Yes, and while Joe is hullabalooing, sir, I shall shinny up the ladder unseen.
And I'll have this bomb on the end of this rope, sir, and when the hullabaloo is at its highest pitch, I shall sling it onto the roof of the hut, like a linesman swinging the lead.
When I say ''linesman swinging the lead'', sir, I don't mean a linesman in a football match, you know, sir.
When I say ''swinging the lead'', I don't mean a chap who is skiving and not, -you know, helping his people.
-No, no, no.
I mean a seafaring linesman, sir.
You know, they used to have a little bit of tallow just on the end so as they could see what their bottoms were like.
Did you know that, sir? As a matter of fact I did, Jones, yes.
Well, I wish you said.
I wouldn't go all bothering to tell you.
All right, all right.
Right, everybody to your posts.
Right, sir.
Mr Mainwaring, can I drive the fire engine, please? Please let me drive the fire engine.
Don't be ridiculous, Pike.
-Well, can I ring the bell, then? -Oi, I'm ringing the bell! -Aw.
-Get to your place, boy.
PIKE: Why can't I? Will someone give me a hand? What are you talking about? I need a hand myself.
MAINWARING: Try and help these two.
WILSON: Come on, up you get, Godfrey.
All right? That's it.
Thank you, Frazer.
All right, now.
And hold on very tight.
Right, off you go, Wilson.
I can manage all right.
Thank you very much.
It's very kind of you.
There we go.
Right, one, two.
Wait a minute, sir.
Wait a minute.
-I'll give you a shoulder.
-Give me a hand, would you? -Come on, then.
-Whoops-a-daisy! -You all right, sir? -Are you all right? I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have upped you a bit too much.
-All right! All right! -Sorry, sir.
I'm very sorry, sir.
-JONES: All right, sir? -Of course I'm all right.
-Get round into your place.
-Very good, sir.
Right, sir.
You all right there at the back? ALL: Yes! -Right, stand by.
-Whoa, hold on a minute, sir.
I'm not quite at the ready, sir.
Hold on! -Oh.
-Come on, Jonesy.
MAINWARING: All right, hang on.
JONES: Can you.
-WILSON: Can you manage, sir? -Come on, Mr Jones.
(ALL CLAMOURING) Sir, if I shout, ''One, two, three,'' you give me a bit of an urge up, will you? Yes, all right.
Here we go.
-Give him a hand, Wilson.
-Yes, all right, sir.
One, two, three! Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, look! There's a fire extinguisher in case the fire engine catches fire.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
-These firemen are very cautious men.
-Yes.
-Do you know, when I was.
-Oh, get up there! Come on.
-Come up, get on there, that's right.
-Thank you.
MAINWARING: Righto.
WILSON: Well done.
Right, stand by everybody.
Stand by.
(ALL CLAMOURING) (BELL RINGS) You all right, sir? Try and be brave.
Come on.
Up you get.
That's it.
Well done.
-You all right, Mr Mainwaring, are you? -Of course I'm all right.
What are you standing there for, Pike? -I got down to give you a hand up.
-Get in to your place at once.
-Don't argue.
-Honestly, I can't do a thing right today.
Everything I do is, ''No, no, no.
'' -And no backchat either.
-All right.
Right.
Off we go.
(BELL CLANGING) Fire! Fire! Don't panic! Don't panic! Fire! Quiet! I'm sorry, sir.
I can't hear you say anything with them boys.
The bell.
-Don't ring the bell till I say go.
-Go.
Right, sir.
-PIKE: Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? You can't go yet.
-Why not? -The doors are still closed.
Well, we'll open the doors when we're ready to go.
I wouldn't start up that engine with those doors closed, sir.
No, sir.
No, sir.
'Cause we might breathe in all the poisonous gases and we'll all get sophisticated.
-Pike? -Sir.
Get down and open the door.
It's different now you want me to get down and do something.
Get on with it.
(AIR RAID SIREN BLARING) Hello.
Here they come again.
That's a good thing! It'll divert the guards on the bridge, sir.
Yes, yes.
That's very true, Frazer.
Right, hang on, everybody.
Here we go.
(BELL CLANGING) Fire! Fire! Don't panic! Don't panic! Stop it! Stop it! Well, sir, you said ''go'' so I dinged me dinger.
Well, don't ding your dinger until we're actually on the move.
-Right, sir.
Right, sir.
-Right.
Garage doors are ready open, Mr Mainwaring.
How many more times have I to tell you to get in your place? You told me to get down and open the doors yourself.
-Don't argue.
-Honestly, I don't know what's the matter.
Everything I do is wrong.
Stop! -What's the matter? -You.
-Why are you wet like that? -You squirted me all over with water.
-Don't be ridiculous.
-You did! You're doing it again! Stop it! Here, there's a lever there, push it forward.
It throws the pump out.
There's a lever there, Wilson, push it forward.
It throws the pump out.
That's just what I am doing.
-Hurry about it.
-All right.
I'm doing my best.
-If I tell you again, I'll leave you behind.
-I couldn't care less! This engine's going well, isn't it? So it should.
It's the same petrol they put in Spitfires.
Good Lord.
(BELL CLANGING) Fire! Fire! Don't panic! Don't panic! Fire! Fire! Fire! That's the lot.
If I could find who dumped them, his feet wouldn't touch.
Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic! Fire! Fire! Don't panic! Don't panic! Fire! Everything hinges now on the verger.
Day after day I'm on me way.
''Push barrow among pile of packing cases.
'' Excuse me! Have you noticed a pile of packing cases dumped here? Yes, he's just driven away.
Were they yours? Oh, no.
I was just interested in them for a friend.
''Light paper in barrow.
'' Ooh.
''Shout, 'Fire!' Run to the guardroom and send for fire brigade.
'' Fire! Fire! Fire alarm! Here! Here! -Send for the fire brigade.
-What for? I put it out.
-What's your game, then? -If it comes to that, what's yours? It doesn't say anything about you here.
Clear off! Don't panic! Look, there's the bridge straight ahead.
I don't see any smoke from the verger's place.
It should be over there.
(BELL CLANGING) Ruddy hell! Better check it out, lads.
No telling what those old baskets will get up to.
Look, sir, the smoke's coming from over there.
He's lit the fire in the wrong place.
-They're stopping us.
-I'll deal with this.
Just making sure there's no Home Guards hiding.
Don't be ridiculous.
There's a fire, can't you see it? -Hey.
-Get off.
-What are them hens doing? -Laying eggs.
Drive on, driver.
Don't just stand there! Don't just stand there.
Catch them hens! It's over there.
It's over there.
Damn! Hodges.
Fire! Fire! Blimey, you've being quick.
I haven't even sent for you yet.
Get out of the way, Hodges.
Mainwaring! What are you doing dressed up as a fireman? -We're on a secret mission so let us through.
-Oh, no, you don't.
That Jerry plane dropped a stick of incendiaries.
There's a house on fire round the corner.
Come on, drive on.
MAINWARING: Right.
Get the ladder off for the hoses.
Don't stand there gawking, Pike.
Get the small hose out.
Get a move on, Mainwaring, this house will be burnt down in a minute.
Why don't you mind your own business? Hoses! You're going too fast, boy.
Mr Mainwaring, would you mind turning the tap on, please? You stupid boy! You've got it out of the socket.
Captain Mainwaring, I wonder if someone would assist me to the ground.
Oh, there's no time for that sort of thing.
-Hurry up, hurry up! -Will you go away? -We've hooked up the hydrant, Mr Mainwaring.
-Good.
-There's no twiddler, sir.
-No what? Well, it's the metal part.
You know, the iron thing.
It's like a sardine key, only it's bigger.
You stick it in the ground then you twiddle it round and then all the water flourishes out.
This is it, Mr Mainwaring.
Don't stand there with it, boy.
Get it round to the hydrant.
JONES: Yes, come on, Pikey.
Hey! -All set back here, sir.
-Good.
-Why aren't you doing something? -Here, grab hold of that.
-Get it over there on the double.
-Yes, Captain.
Captain Mainwaring, I wonder, I wonder.
Well done, Godfrey.
Hang on up there.
-Wilson.
Wilson! -Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
-What do you think you're doing there? -Well, I.
I thought you might ask me to start something or stop something.
Or something.
-Well, stand by to rev up.
-All right, sir.
-Come on, Pikey, get twiddling.
-All right, Mr Jones.
That's right.
Keep turning, Pike.
I'm getting all wet, Mr Mainwaring.
Don't worry about that, keep turning.
Do as the officer said.
Keep twiddling.
It'll all come out in a flourish over there.
Come on.
-I'm the one that's getting wet not you, isn't it? -Do as you're told.
Standing by this end, sir.
Send the water through and I'll direct the jet.
Rev her up, Sergeant! -Is there anything happening? -There's a lever there somewhere, I think.
There's nothing coming through.
Tell 'em to hurry up.
Let me see.
There's probably some obstruction in the pipe.
There we are, that's it.
Let's go and help.
No sign of any foreign body there.
Turn the valve on, Frazer! Maniacs.
What are you doing, maniacs? Pikey, you put your finger in that hole.
No, you put your finger in the hole.
No, I'm not going to get wet.
(SHOUTING) Stop it! -Put your finger in the hole, Pikey.
-It's not coming out of the hole! That's got it under control.
Soon have it out now.
Well, you're a man of many parts, aren't you? This disguise was to help us get into the petrol dump.
Unfortunately, Hitler interfered with our plans, sir.
Don't worry, the Home Guard commandos were all caught and your other plan worked splendidly.
Other plan? The training major was actually in the hut waiting to see what happened.
You should have seen his face when the parcel arrived on his desk by the 1 2:00 post and he opened it and found the bomb.
Parcel? Yes, I posted it yesterday, sir, like Sergeant Wilson said.
Oh.
Well done, Walker.
He said it was cheating.
But I say it proves the point.
Brains can very often beat brawn.
Oh, I'd back my ingenuity against muscle any day.
-Help! -Wilson, lend a hand.
Walker.
-Can't hold it.
-All right, hang on.
It's gone mad.
MAINWARING: Wilson, come and give us a hand.
Out of control!