Drunk History (2013) s05e10 Episode Script

1 We're just gonna post summonses everywhere for the rats, being like, "Come to your trial, rats.
You're in big trouble.
" - Which is so stupid.
- (Laughs) But that's what they did.
He sees this guy beating up a donkey, biting rats' heads off.
Henry Bergh's like, "No chance.
" No! - Woof! - No! He was teaching the horse to do math problems.
This horse is a [bleep.]
genius.
A genre va (Laughs) (Patriotic music) (Inspiring music) I love animals.
Ever since I was a kid, I've loved animals.
I mean, who doesn't like animals? I just feel like they teach us so much.
You know the ejaculate of a dolphin - can blast a human's head off? - The ejaculate? - Mm-hmm.
- Say again? Of, like, a male dolphin.
The ejaculate of a male dolphin can blast a human's head off.
'Cause it's so fast, and there's I guess, the volume of the ejaculate is so high, so it can blast a human's head off.
(Atonal piano notes) So you have to be careful.
Don't go out with a dolphin.
I'm not gonna jerk a dolphin off.
Don't.
Hello! I'm Claudia O'Doherty, and today we're gonna talk about the trial of the rats.
- Congrats! - Congrats? To rats.
Cong-rats.
Congrats to you.
So here we go.
It's France.
It's 1508.
Things are crazy because it's Medieval Times.
France is under ecclesiastical law at this time, which means church law.
The church controls the legal system They're like, we're very smart.
We've read the Bible tons of times, and guess what, uh, animals are the same as humans right now.
So if you've got a problem and you think the animal's responsible, we'll put the animal on trial.
So they put tons of animals on trial for being ding-dongs and for doing bad stuff to humans.
I guess they had so much spare time then.
So the farmers go to look at their harvest, and they're like, oh, no, where's all our barley? I'm really sad, and I know who's responsible (Ice cubes clinking) Rats.
So the farmer's like, guess what, rats.
We're gonna sue you, and the rat's like, go for it, loser, 'cause, uh, we're rats.
No one can really hold us responsible for that.
(Laughter) So the farmers went over to the church people, and they were like, the rats are eating all of our barley crops.
Can we sue the rats? They're like, yes, definitely.
We'll sue the rats.
- They're so dumb.
- Let's be nice about them, 'cause they were dumb from our perspective They're not gonna see this show.
- It's fine.
- (Laughs) And they're like, who will we make the lawyer for the rats, because the rats deserve a public defender.
- We're not crazy.
- (Chuckling) And then they got Bartholomew Chassenez, and they're like, guess what, we've got a great job for you.
And he's like, what is it? I love being a lawyer.
It's my life.
(Belches softly) And he and they're like, you're defending someone cool, and he's like, good, I can't wait to do a great job for them.
It's rats.
It's rats, mate.
And he's like, cool.
Thank you for the opportunity.
I'll be there, and I'm gonna work my heart out for you.
I just love law and being a lawyer.
So they're like, great, we're just gonna post summonses everywhere for the rats, being like, come to the come to your trial, rats, you're in big trouble, which is so stupid, but that's what they did.
So the rats saw the scrolls and then the rats said to each other, let's go get some food, 'cause we're rats, and we don't know what that says.
So everyone shows up for this trial.
The cathedral is jam-packed with human beings being like, the rats are gonna be here, right? We've all cleared our schedules to, like, see the put these rats on trial.
And then the rats arrive No, they don't.
Why did you say they arrive? They don't arrive.
(Laughs) Why did you say they arrive? To, like, create dramatic tension.
- I got so excited - Mm-hmm.
Picturing rats coming in to a trial.
They didn't come.
The rats, meanwhile, they're just like, we care about two things, being alive Chompin' on cheese.
They're the two things, that's all they care about.
(Derek laughs) The judge is like, this isn't good.
There's no rats here.
This we're going to be we're going to the rats are gonna be held in contempt of the court.
And then Bartholomew Chassenez, he's like, I'll tell you why the rats aren't here, 'cause the rats, they live on their own.
They're not just, like, all in one place.
If you want the rats to come, you have to deliver summons to every rat.
And the bishop and the clergy had a chat, and were they were like, (Whispering) He's right.
We'll set another trial date, and we'll deliver a summons to every single rat.
They put up millions of summonses.
The rats see the summonses, and they're like (Whispering) I don't think we're gonna come, again, 'cause we're rats.
So everyone's come again.
They've cleared their schedules.
They've come to court again, and then, guess what, the rats don't come again - because they're rats.
- (Laughs) They don't understand language, and they just they don't want to.
And they're waiting, and Chassenez is like, (Whispering) What am I gonna say? I want everyone to know I'm such a good lawyer.
And he was like and he thought of it.
He thought of such a good defense.
Guess what.
Uh-uh.
Rats can't come right now, because it's daytime for rats, and right now, their official enemy, cats, would get them, and they'd be mortally wounded and they couldn't defend themselves in court of law.
And if your life is in danger to come to court, guess what.
According to French law, they don't have to come to court.
If there are cats on the road, we must acquit.
That's what he said, and then guess what.
That's the end of the story, because there's no more records of the story, 'cause, guess what.
Someone ate the records.
Who was it? It was the rats.
It might have been bugs, but it was probably rats.
- (Laughs) - So the next part of the story, this is how it probably ended, is, they're like, blah-blah-blah, French, blah-blah-blah.
Clergy talking to bishop, and they're like (Muffled) What should we do about it? (Mumbles) And they're like, guess what? The rats are acquitted, and Bartholomew is like, yes! I'm the best rat lawyer.
No one is as good as me.
And then, so from then, he got some great jobs.
He represented a rooster; he got the rooster off.
- They were - Nothing makes a mother happier than finding out her child - has represented a rooster.
- Yeah, like, my son, he's done great, he's a lawyer, he got the rats off, he got the rooster off, and then he got a pig off, 'cause that's what he did.
- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
- (Both laugh) (Mellow guitar music) What is the best animal noise you can make? I can do a duck call.
- (Blows raspberry, duck quack) - (Chuckles) What are you doing with your mouth? Act like this is like a little butt.
- (Rough quack) - Yeah.
(Duck quack) (Both quacking) Have you ever done this in front of a duck? Yeah.
Didn't get a huge response.
(Laughs) Hello, I'm Mae Whitman, and I'm here to discuss the history of the ASPCA for animals.
Meow.
- (Mews) - (Cups clink) So in 1862, this man, Henry Bergh, he had been appointed to a diplomatic post in Saint Petersburg; that's when he sees this guy beating up a donkey.
Sir, what are you doing, you know? And the man was like (Russian accent) I am beating up donkey.
(Unaccented) With no shame.
Henry was like, you can't do that, man! The Russian is like (Russian accent) No, there's no laws.
I don't have to do anything you or anyone says, because it is just donkey; it has no feeling.
(Unaccented) Meanwhile, the donkey's, like, weeping, being like, (Crying) I just really wish somebody cared about me.
And Henry was like, I'm gonna go back to the States and make sure this shit is a no-fly zone from now on.
That kind of was the birthplace of this new organization that he wanted to start, the ASPCA, which stands for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
April 10, 1866, the ASPCA is officially incorporated by the New York State Legislature.
Okay? This guy, he doesn't just stop at getting a law or two written.
He goes out on the streets, man.
He'll be like, (british accent) Stop! (Unaccented) Wait, he's American.
He'd be like, You cannot possibly make that horse walk any more tonight.
And, you know, the New Yorkers are like, what? I'm walking my horse here, and he's like, there's a new guy in town.
It's me.
You're out.
Take the horse to bed.
(Belches) He's also be like, oh.
Excuse me.
How full is that cow? Hmm.
That's udder is looking a little swollen, and they're like, yeah, what do you have to say about it? And he's like, here's what I have to say.
And he, like, unfurls the, you know, law at them, and he goes, get on your goddamn knees and milk it, bitch, and he makes them get on their knee and milk the cow in front of the whole street, and it is so sick.
At this time, there was a whole group of people where one of their main sources of entertainment is these rat and dog fights.
So, obviously, Henry Bergh's like, no chance.
Within a year, by 1867, he'd eradicated all dog and rat fighting from the whole New York area, except for this one little hotspot called Sportsman's Hall, that this man, Kit Burns, ran.
He would have his son-in-law biting rats' heads off, you know, for a quarter.
They've done tons of police raids.
When the cops come in, Kit shuts off the lights.
He's got a tunnel in the back of his bar where he can shove everybody out.
Everybody was getting away.
(Drink sloshes) - You just spilled a little - Spilled some on the floor.
It's a classic bit.
You enjoy that drink.
I just gave you a drink.
Enjoy your drink Derek, just zoom it up Ma'am.
Ma'am.
Let me do this.
No, but I was What? Hey, I do a pretty good I do a pretty good dog.
You ready? Yeah.
Ready? What do I say? - Go.
Go be a good boy.
- (Growls) - No.
- (Barks) - No! (Laughs) - (Growls) Go, go good boy! Go be a good boy.
What does that mean? - Take the trash out? - It's that way.
(Laughs) Take your shit over that way.
- You little pig-dog.
- All right.
And let me talk about what I need to talk about.
So on November 21, 1870, Henry goes down there.
He adopts an English persona and he acts, like (Cockney accent) 'Ello.
I'm here to watch a couple mice, you know, meet an unattractive end.
(Unaccented) Kit's there, and he's like (Cockney accent) Wait, come on in, then.
(Unaccented) That's the incorrect accent, but you understand.
He comes you know He says in his Irish accent, come on in here, you know, we'll get you a nice seat and a nice (Irish accent) Pint o' whiskey, and we'll sit you down, and you can cheer on the rats getting their heads bitten off.
(Unaccented) Henry kind of cringes, and he's like, all right, yeah, sit me down.
So he's sitting in there, and, uh, they release the dogs.
The dog starts ripping off the heads of the rats.
(Jaunty fiddle music) So the dogs eat rats.
Yes.
That's what rat fighting is.
It's not rats against rats.
It's how much dog can eat a rat? How many rats can a dog eat in one minute? Disgusting.
- It's pretty [bleep.]
up.
- Yeah.
And then finally, he's like, [bleep.]
this.
We gotta get the cops in here.
You know, he speaks into his little (Laughs) Technology bracelet that doesn't exist yet, and he's like, go, go, go.
Get in here.
And so, like, the cops all come, and, of course, all the people that go to these things are like, oh, well, excuse us, we'll just run to the tunnel.
Not this time Bergh had cops stationed at the outside of the tunnel and at the entrance.
Kit's like, ha-ha, I've dealt with this before, but when he goes to shut off the lights, Henry pulls out from his giant coat a lantern.
Aha! And he kind of, like, puts it in everybody's faces, and he's like, you're going down, and you're going down, and you're going down, and you're definitely going down, kind of wiggling the lantern in their face.
Henry Bergh made a statement: We're not gonna take it.
We're not gonna let you treat animals this way anymore.
Um, they are to be respected and to be treated well, and to this day, the ASPCA is still, like, the leading organization in protecting animals' rights, and so he's my Man Crush Monday.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- It's Friday.
- Is it? I love drinking, and I love history.
Is there anything left? - No.
- No, right? (Laughs) - Thank you, Mae.
- Love you.
(Laughs) Mae Mae! Cheers.
There a French fry in there? - Mm Yeah.
- (Laughter) (Stately music) (Sighs) Stay tuned for more - "Drunk History Animals.
" - (Laughs) Roar! Oh, I I didn't know what to do.
That was dumb.
Now, what's your favorite animal? My name is Rich Fulcher, and if I were to marry one animal, it'd be a sheep.
Why? What what is it about sheep that you love? - They're so available.
- (Laughs) Hello.
I'm Rich Fulcher and today, we're going to talk about a smart-ass horse.
(Scholarly piano music) Our story begins in 1891, in Berlin.
Wilhelm von Osten is a high school animal teacher.
No, Wilhelm van Osten is a high school math teacher who loves animals.
He says, I love animals so much.
I'm gonna prove animals are intelligent by teaching them math.
First, he says, I think I'll try a cat.
Meow, uh, two plus meow.
Yeah, forget it.
Then he tries a bear.
Roar.
Roar, agh, agh.
- I just want garbage.
- (Laughs) Then he finds this horse named Hans.
And he goes, horses! That's the way to go! Horses! So van Osten starts teaching the horse to tap out numbers.
Tap, tap, tap.
That's three.
Tap, tap, tap, tap.
- That's more than three.
- (Laughs) Van Osten starts teaching the horse simple math problems.
He would do eight minus two.
(Neighs) Two, three, four, five, six.
And van Osten is like, oh, my God, this horse is a [bleep.]
genius.
So van Osten takes Hans on a tour of Germany.
Step right up! See the amazing horse that can do math.
And the crowds are loving Clever Hans.
Like, oh, my God, this horse can do clever math.
This is the horse, of course, of course.
This horse is so much better than our wedding present.
(Laughs) Some people in the audience didn't believe it.
And they're going, this is a trick.
That's not real.
This argument over Clever Hans got so intense, Germany said, we're gonna create a commission to investigate this.
So they tested Clever Hans without van Osten present.
And Clever Hans answered all the questions.
The commission was like, this horse is the real deal, and he's counting like a pro.
But this psychologist, whose name was Oskar Pfungst, he was still suspicious of Cloz Clozer Hans.
I still don't think this horse is doing math.
I'm gonna run some tests of my own.
So he puts Clever Hans in front of a chalkboard, and he says, move back, Hans, back up.
Come on, man.
And Hans moves back.
So Oskar writes an equation on the board, like six minus three, and Hans stomps out five.
(Five knocks) Oskar gets like, uh! Something is not going a right that.
You okay? Rich? Something is not right here.
The farther away he gets, the worse he gets at answering.
So he decides to put on a horse costume himself.
He invites people in.
He says come on.
Teach me.
I'm a horse.
He starts to see something.
Like, ooh.
Oh, I see what's happening here.
Someone is giving (Stammers) Fugul.
Fugul? Fugul.
- Fugul.
- No, sorry.
Oskar realizes he's not really doing math at all.
He's responding to people's facial cues.
He's just, mmm, going through the motions.
(Emotional music) If you could teach a horse anything, - what would you teach it? - How to go to water.
(Laughs) They don't know how to go to water.
They are just, like, clueless.
Oskar announces to the world his discovery.
He's not doing math, but he's doing something even more interesting.
He's reading facial cues.
And the world was like, boo! [bleep.]
you! We don't care! We love Clever Hans! He loves math! You [bleep.]
.
Van Osten ignores Oskar's research.
I don't care what you say, Oskar.
I'm taking Clever Hans on tour again.
Come on, Hans.
Let's get your ass (Hiccups) In gear and into the car.
I've got, um, the shotgun.
And so Clever Hans becomes (Slurred) the most famous herth on the world.
This horse is on the front page of "The New York Times.
" How many [bleep.]
horses do you know that are on "The New York Times"? Because of Oskar, psychologists now know people give off subtle physical information.
To this day, that is known as the Clever Hans effect.
He was like, there was(Grumbles) Like, dump Dumper.
(Snores) (Snoring) (Snoring continues) (Mumbles) - Morning.
- Sha-bah-bah-wah.
Sha-bah-bah-wah.
Yeah.
(Triumphant music) (Stately music) ("Drunk History" theme song plays)