My Family (2000) s05e10 Episode Script

(Sighing) (Sighing) (Sighing) - Well? - Well what? Aren't you going to ask me what the matter is? - No.
- Why not? Because then you'll tell me and I'll have to show I'm interested, and the bloke in my book is about to get killed.
Believe me, it won't just be the bloke in your book.
My employers are about to be taken over by another company.
- I won't bore you with the details.
- Too late.
But with everything changing, now might be a good time to quit.
- Mm-hm.
- And do something else.
- Like like what? - Oh, I don't know.
Gardener.
Novelist.
- Chef.
- (Chuckling) - I don't see what's so funny about chef.
- I was laughing at gardener.
Did you say chef? Why don't I do both? I could cook you and bury you in the flower bed.
Good to have a dream.
It's all right for you.
As soon as you realised you'd never be a doctor, dentistry was an obvious choice.
- What? - And how hard is it to be a dentist anyway? "Good morning.
What seems to be the trouble? Oh, it's your teeth.
" Sometimes, it's their gums.
Anyway, we're not discussing my career.
- We're discussing yours.
- Sorry.
- Are you saying I'm a failed doctor? - We're not discussing your career.
- We're discussing mine.
- It's bad enough having to deal with patients.
- You'd prefer to work without any patients? - It's that much easier, isn't it? Count yourself lucky you can do a job, albeit your second choice.
- I'm not even good at mine.
- Oh, come on, of course you are.
You are a fantastic tour guide.
- I am, aren't I? - Yes.
Not many people know that Cromwell had Charles the First executed in 1549.
- What? - Charles the First was executed in 1649.
Read your book.
That sounds great, but I can't agree without seeing a script, even if it's just a rough draft.
Oh, you do? Great.
Well, can you fax it to my trailer? Great.
OK.
Talk to you later.
Ta-ta.
Colin Judd! Oh! I'm your biggest fan! Can can I shake your hand? Oh, you were amazing in that film when you played Walter Raleigh.
- Drake.
- Walter Drake.
And when you were Cornelius in that other one, what was it called? - Chariots of Chariots? - Circus Maximus.
Oh, that's it.
And your modern-day Macbeth, oh, amazing! Are you all right, Roger? Trapped wind, is it? Colin Judd? Ben! Ben! Do you know who that is? - Colin Judd.
- That is Colin Judd.
Very good, Roger.
Tomorrow, we'll do colours, or perhaps even shapes.
So, Mr Judd - What can I do for you? - I chipped a tooth and it's affecting my work.
Your work? What are you? A vampire? - No.
I'm an actor.
- Oh, great.
That's all I need.
I thought I said no students and no actors? I've got enough unpaid bills as it is.
- I suspect I can pay my bills.
- Oh, a working actor? There's a rarity.
- Anything I might have seen you in? - One or two things.
Open wide.
Yes.
Ever been in a Bond film? I do like a good action movie.
These days, all we get is that historical stuff, twazzocks in frilly shirts and britches.
About the worst one was that, what was it? Circus Maximus.
My wife got it out once so she could swoon over some overrated ponce in a toga.
(Mumbling) It would be best if you try not to speak, Mr Judd.
Sorry to interrupt.
I was wondering if I could take this opportunity to get your autograph? Why? Why? Isn't it obvious? The man I aspire to be like, the man whose work I see every chance I get.
It would mean so much to me.
All right.
Give me the pen.
- No.
No, no.
I meant Colin.
- Hmm? What do you want me to sign? What should I write? Just put, "Best wishes, Colin Judd.
" I will never wash again.
Oh, thank you.
Best of luck with everything.
Say hi to Catherine Zeta-Jones for me.
- Oh, you know Catherine? - No, but I've got a space for her on my thigh.
Well Colin Judd.
What can I say? I'm such a fan.
Lovely home.
Anyway, it's going to take two more sessions, but I'll understand if you don't come back cos I've slagged off every film you've been in.
- No, you forgot The Good Die Young.
- Were you in that rubbish? - I'm afraid so.
- Loved it.
- So, when do you want me back? - You're coming back? It makes sense.
We are filming just around the corner.
I like to use the little local tradesmen.
Yeah, well, they don't come any littler than me.
The studio wanted me to have the best, but I said no.
I want an ordinary dentist.
They're always much more grateful.
- Thank you.
- I might recommend you to some friends.
- Well, as long as it's not Russell Crowe! - Look, I'll tell Russell to look elsewhere.
By which I mean he's got perfect teeth already, so he wouldn't need me.
- How did that sound? - You're getting better.
- So, my appointment? - Right.
Yes, OK.
Ah, tomorrow, I've got Mr Johnson for his filling at two, so, see you at two.
- You'll have to clear the table in a minute.
- OK.
Mum, I'm trying to do my ancient history coursework.
- Why do you have to do it there? - So I can see ancient history in action.
- I had to ask.
- (Ben) I'm back! - He sounds cheerful.
- Hide.
Oh, flowers.
For me? But of course.
- What's wrong with them? - Nothing.
- I was in a good mood, that's all.
- What's wrong with you? Nothing.
OK.
Who is she? - It's a he actually.
- I knew it! Repressed all these years.
Damn.
Thank you.
I'm not seeing a man.
I have a patient who is one of the nation's finest actors of stage and screen.
You've got Shane Richie! Colin Judd.
- Colin Judd? - The one you said needed a good slap? You can change your mind about someone for 300 quid a session.
And these were the nicest flowers you could get, were they? - What? - Colin would have bought a huge bouquet.
- Oh, here we go.
- Colin's a sensitive man.
- Colin's an artist.
Colin's - My foot in the door, my ticket to Harley Street and celebrity city.
Then - ha! - who'll be a failed doctor? You will, Dad.
Yes, but I'll be a failed doctor with a cartload of dosh, and you, the love of my life, can give up your job as a tour guide.
I don't want to give up my job as a tour guide.
What? Didn't you last night? What? Did? What? That was last night.
This morning, I was sacked.
- Sacked? - So I want to stay.
- What? - How dare they sack me? I know, darling.
How dare they? I mean, it's all right.
Just Come on.
Come on.
Let it go and, erm - (Mouths) and move on.
Move on - (Mouths) to pastures new - (Mouths) with all the cows.
- So, what are you proposing to do, then? - I'm going to reapply for my own job.
Oh, you've been doing that job for years.
You'll walk the interview.
- There's an exam.
- Ah.
- What? - What? Nothing.
- You said, "Ah.
" - Did I say, "Ah"? I was remembering what a patient said to me this morning.
He went, "Ah.
" - You think I'm stupid, don't you? - I do not.
I don't care what you think.
I'll study hard.
I'm going to pass the exam, get the job, and then quit.
OK.
Now I think you're stupid.
(Doorbell) I'm with the film crew.
They said to ask for Michael.
- You want to use the toilet.
- Please.
That'll be L5.
Through there on your right.
- Who was that? - Nobody.
- Oh - Ben.
Sorry.
Thank you for dinner, darling.
That's quite all right.
I never knew what lamb in orange squash tastes like.
- I didn't have butternut squash.
I improvised.
- Clever.
- You can test me.
- Oh, come on.
Do I have to? - Colin would test me.
- Do you have to go on about Colin? Colin wouldn't ask me to stop going on about Colin.
Give it here.
I'll test you.
OK, ask me anything.
- OK.
- Anything in the first chapter.
- Right.
- On that page.
Right.
Ah, in what year did Oliver Cromwell? You can't do Oliver Cromwell.
- In what year? - Can't do dates.
You don't need me, darling.
You'll sail through this like Vasco da Gama.
- Who? - You don't know who Vasco da Gama was? Ben, when I give a tour, it's all about the passions, the motivations, the broad sweep of destiny, not fiddly little things like dates, names, places, people, events.
- I'm beginning to see why they sacked you.
- (Doorbell) At least I never wanted to be a tour guide.
Doc.
- Toilet.
L15.
- I've got an account.
Well, you can use the one in the master bedroom.
Michael, you've got too much table.
I'm trying to get decent qualifications so I don't have to be a tour guide.
I'm not applying to be a tour guide.
My old job's now called local information communications executive.
- You mean a tour guide with a lower salary.
- Not necessarily.
Come on.
They always improve your job title before cutting your pay.
- Remember when I had a paper round? - Oh, yes.
Then they made you vice chairman of news.
Schoolboy error.
I won't be making that mistake again.
Michael, there was a strange man in the bathroom this morning.
- It's Dad.
- He had a beard.
He'd not shaved yet.
He said he was in a film crew and you were renting out the bathroom.
Dad says all kinds of crazy things first thing in the morning.
Morning all.
What a wonderful day! See? Ben, only two things could make you this happy, and it couldn't be the first one, because I was too busy revising, so I'm assuming you're going to make some money.
While in the company of a much loved, highly acclaimed and highly paid British actor.
- You know, it's quicker to just say Colin Judd.
- Hm-hm.
Well, I'll be thinking of you and Colin while I study.
- Mainly Colin.
- Right, time for breakfast.
- Mikey, clear the table.
- No.
- What? - I need to hear the doorbell.
It's for my history project.
If you don't move 'em, I'll move 'em for you.
So what's the incentive for me to move them? I'll throw them into the living room.
- Now, this I'd like to see.
- Right.
I warned you.
OK.
- Be careful.
- Ben.
- Argh! - Is it your back? No.
I just enjoy walking like a monkey.
- The worst thing you can do is move.
- Well, I'll just die here, then.
You can unbend my skeleton, or better, go and get me a round coffin.
- Stand up straight.
- No, no, no.
I read about this.
You need to arch your back.
- OK, then, arch your back.
- No! No! - (Cracking) - Oh! (Whimpering) Oh, no.
That's yoga, isn't it? - Come and lie down.
- I've got to get to work.
- It's at times like this we really need a doctor.
- That's right, kick me when I'm down.
- No, that's shiatsu.
- Oh! Argh! - Colin needs me! - Don't worry.
Roger can look after him.
- Argh! - Oh, did it twinge again? No.
I'm thinking about Roger nicking my ticket to Harley Street.
Abi, keep hold of Ben.
I'll call Roger, an osteopath and a man with a gun.
- I heard that.
- Hold it there, Dad.
Oh, yes, here we go, another expert.
What do you know about backs? Nothing.
You look like a victim of Pompeii.
I need to sketch you Hey, study buddy, looking forward to working together? (Noisy whirring) - What are you doing? - Sharpening a pencil.
Sharp pencil, sharp mind.
- Mum - Michael, please.
I'm trying to work.
Isn't this fun? Yes.
- (Ben) Oh! Oh! - Ben, I'm trying to work.
Get that book Actually, that's much better.
- Could I have a glass of water, please? - No.
(Ben) But I'm thirsty! I'm not due for a break for another five minutes.
- You've only been working for two.
- I don't want to overdo things on my first day.
If you have water, you'll need the toilet, and I'm not helping you with your aim.
- (Ben) Michael! - No, Dad.
Get it yourself.
I just want a glass of water.
- Right.
- And maybe a sandwich? Oh, great.
I am in agony.
I lose my best patient ever to Roger bloody Bailey, and now I'm left to die of thirst by my own family.
How could things get worse? - It's me.
- That's how.
- Is Dad drunk again? - I wish.
Back the way you came.
Turn left.
Another day over.
About now, I'd be heading home to relax on the sofa.
- (Doorbell) - Oh, that'll be Roger.
Oh, great.
What's he coming round for? To gloat over his day, I expect.
- What a wonderful day I've just had! - It's not over yet.
How's our brave little soldier? Because I feel so sorry about the way things worked out, I've got a little present for you.
- Oh, really? You're leaving dentistry? - No.
Muffins! So, how was Colin? Oh, an absolute delight.
We got on like a house on fire.
Ooh, now, that's an idea.
- Agh! Roger! - Colin insisted on taking me to this fantastic restaurant where all the celebs hang out.
We ended up having lunch next door to Jude Law.
- Jude Law? - Wow! Anyhow, Jude needed to see a dentist, and he didn't have anything on that afternoon, so he came round! Wow! Any other perks from stealing my patients? Yes.
Two tickets to a studio party tonight.
(Both) Wow! So, er, I need someone to go with.
Roger, this is so sudden.
I don't know what to say.
But I was going to ask Abi.
What, to baby-sit for me? Good idea.
Thanks, Abi.
I'd better start getting ready.
Pick me up at eight.
Well, I hope you both have a nice time.
Yes, me too.
Thanks.
I probably won't come round tomorrow.
I've got Colin to finish off, Jude And Kevin Spacey's dropping in for a check-up.
You will see me tomorrow, Roger.
I'll be coming in to the surgery to reclaim my client list.
- Oh! - See you tomorrow, then.
And, er maybe see you around, Abi? Perhaps.
- So what's it like in there, then? - I just dropped off some muffins.
- Abi! - Roger and Janey.
Yes.
I don't know who to feel more sorry for.
She's just using him to find a rich celebrity husband.
Oh, now, that would be nice.
- Roger will only get hurt.
- Oh, that would be nice too.
By the way, you're not fit to go to work tomorrow.
Don't you worry, Abi.
I've got a plan.
Hello, Colin.
How's my favourite patient? You, number three, please.
Which is number three? Is this National Get Your Family To Strap You To A Board And Bring You To Work Day? Yes.
The number three is the sharp one.
Thank you.
Lovely.
- A little forward, please, and here we go.
- Don't hurt him! - Are you sure this is a good idea? - Colin, it's fine.
It's perfectly safe.
Forward.
Look, if it's all the same to you, I think I'll wait until Roger's free.
- But, Colin, I'm a better dentist than he is.
- Yeah, but he's not strapped to a trolley.
Yes, but he's conventional, boring.
I'm your man.
- Do stay, Colin.
- My heart says yes.
- My brain says run! - Listen to your heart, Colin.
- Er a little help here.
- Mikey! Mikey! - Just checking our favourite client is happy.
- We're all fine, thank you.
- Ben, why are you strapped to a trolley? - New procedure.
He's so behind.
I came in to say thank you for looking after me last night.
- I was very nervous.
- Yes.
You weren't to know that Helen Mirren's heard all the jokes about not being recognised with her clothes on.
- I do blurt things out sometimes.
- What happened to your lady companion? There was an altercation when she tried to have her photo taken with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
- Not good.
- And she left without saying goodbye.
Very quickly, with some large men.
Mmm.
Might have been intentional.
Ah! Mikey! - Ben, are you all right? - Yes, I'm fine.
Never better.
I was just saying I'd be happier if you finished the work, Roger.
Colin, this isn't about your happiness.
What about me? Say no more, Colin.
Go on upstairs.
Make yourself comfortable.
- There's a finger buffet.
- Thank you.
- Let me show you out.
- Colin! Colin, please! Susan! Susan! Ben, why are you pacing up and down like that? Because I can.
Well, you should be thanking me.
I had a hunch that when I dropped that trolley, your 12th and 13th vertebrae would realign.
Did you also calculate that my head would explode with pain as it hit the cupboard on the way down? No.
That was just a bonus.
- Shouldn't you be at work? - No.
Not now Roger's taken all my best patients - the ones that I want anyway.
And I am not going in with concussion to see Mrs Briggs and her whistling dentures.
(Doorbell) I'll get that, shall I? - Colin would.
- Colin this! Colin that! If Colin asked you to jump off a roof, you would.
I think I might ask Colin round.
Oh, hello, Colin.
How are you? Come in and have a seat, Colin.
- Oh, ha-bloody-ha.
- Hello, Susan.
Oh, Colin! What brings you to our humble abode? I came to see how Ben is.
He looked like he had a nasty fall.
- He's fine.
- What? I don't want to get the reputation of being a guy who doesn't care about little people.
- I care.
- Oh, that's all right, Colin.
You don't owe us anything.
Oh, so you don't want these personalised bathrobes, then? - She didn't say that.
- Oh, yes, please! Thank you so much! Oh, this is nice.
Oh, so us, isn't it? Look.
Oh, "A gift from Colin Judd".
Oh, come and sit down, Colin, and let's have a chat, artist to artist.
Susan, this isn't Colin is a Hollywood film star.
- You are an unemployed tour guide.
- We're both weavers of dreams.
Well, shouldn't you revise for your exam? I'm revising now.
Colin, you played Cromwell once.
Charles the First, what was he really like? He doesn't want to talk about a cheap, straight-to-video costume flick.
- I thought that was some of my best work.
- Oh, yes.
I did.
So did I.
- It was fantastic.
- Ben, could you see me this afternoon? - Sure.
- What about Roger? Didn't he treat you? Yes, but it's going a little bit slower than I'd like.
- Did you know he has glove puppets? - Oh, God, no.
He didn't? Not the whole three hours of Circus Maximus? Yes.
With the deleted scenes.
The thing is, Ben, although you are unbelievably rude, gauche - Self-centred, moody.
- Thank you, Susan.
- You are, at least, discreet.
- He's not discreet.
He just doesn't care.
You see, Susan? Being unbelievably rude and gauche has finally paid off.
- And you got a robe.
- I've got a robe.
My God, I'll I'll put it on.
Uh-oh Colin Judd.
- Don't sit too close.
- She's just a bit starstruck.
No.
It says here his breath stinks.
What? Let me see that! "Don't get too close to Colin's mouth in the morning without a peg on your nose.
Pee-ew!" "Says celebrity dentist Ben Harper.
" I didn't say it.
It wasn't me.
No, I mean, I Oh, come here.
I mean, I know the breath is a bit doggy, but I've had worse.
No, I didn't mean Where are you going? - I'm going to find another dentist.
- Oh, come on.
You're being irrational.
Of course I'm being irrational.
I'm a star.
Do you know what that means? People say yes to me all day.
Now, if you don't mind, I need to use your toilet.
Certainly, sir.
That'll be 50 quid.
Well, congratulations, blabbermouth.
Susan, I did not say that! Come on! "Pee-ew" doesn't even sound like me.
It sounds more like - Don't thank me, Ben.
- Why did you tell the reporter you were me? Because I realised I owed it all to you.
There I was, flashbulbs popping, a girl on each arm, and then it all hit me.
Not all of it.
I know this won't make you feel any better, but all my showbiz patients have cancelled.
Actually, Roger, that does make me feel a lot better.
What scared them off? They know I'm only one floor up from blabbermouth Ben Harper.
Hi, Dad.
Hello, Roger.
- What's new? - Roger has lost all his celebrity patients.
- Oh, really? - So, Janey, are you free tonight? - I'm washing my hair.
- What about? - And tomorrow.
- Oh, some sort of head lice problem, is it? I passed! - You passed? - Don't sound so surprised.
I knew I'd be OK if I just sat back and relaxed.
Well done! And, if I sat back far enough, I could see all the answers of the bloke next to me.
- So you cheated? - In a positive way.
- So you're still a tour guide.
- And you're still a failed doctor.
So, things are back to normal.
(Man) Stand by and action! (Gunfire and screaming) - I think one of us should talk to Michael.
- (Man) Quiet!