NewsRadio (1995) s05e10 Episode Script

[MUFFLED.]
Hey, Dave.
Hey, morning, Mr.
James.
So, what's going on? Oh, you know, not much, sir.
Oh, good, good.
Is, uh, is there something wrong with your mouth? No, no, everything's fine, it's fine.
Are you sure? Why are you-- Why are you covering it up with your hand? Because I'm trying to hide this.
What? Your-- Your great, big, beautiful smile, sir? No, no, no, not just-- Not just the smile, Dave.
It's the beam.
I'm beaming here.
I-I can't get this thing off my face.
Really.
Why? Are you profiting from the collapse of some foreign economy? No.
I-I wish, but no.
No, I'm about to give the staff of WNYX a great, big, beautiful present and you know how I love giving presents.
Yes, well, uh, may I ask what it is? Well, you can ask, but it might just make you beam.
I'm ready to risk it, sir.
Yeah.
Okay.
Profit sharing.
Sorry? What? No, no, employee profit sharing.
I read an article in the paper this morning about a soybean plant in Georgia and they gave their employees profit sharing.
Their-- their productivity, you know, it went up, like, like, I see, so, you're going to give us profit sharing in order to increase our productivity? No.
Hell, no.
I-- I just want to see the looks on their shiny, happy people faces.
Dave, can we start the morning meeting already? Max is boring the crap out of us out here.
Yeah, we'll be right out, Joe.
Joe's bored now, but, you know, as soon as we drop the news on him he's gonna-- Beam.
Bam, boom.
Yeah.
Come on, let's go! And when we cut it open, what do you think is inside? Another boring story? No, but that reminds me.
Okay, uh, let's get this meeting going, all right? Thank God.
All right, now, uh, before we start, Mr.
James has an announcement he'd like to make.
Yeah.
Actually, sir, Would it be all right if I went first? I have something important to talk about.
Oh, you know I can't deny you anything, sweetie pie.
Oh! I was hoping you would say that.
Okay, go ahead.
Um, this morning, I was reading a newspaper, okay.
And there was this article about a soybean plant in Georgia.
Oh, yo-yo-you read that, did you? Uh, yeah, I did.
Yeah, and, um, they gave the employees a share in the profits, and then the productivity went, like, sky high, like 300 percent or something, right, And so, um, on behalf of all the employees of WNYX, I'd like to formally request that you put us on a profit sharing system.
Well! I think you're going to be pretty interested in what Mr.
James has to say, then.
So, you-- You want profit sharing, do you? Yes, I do, sir.
Well, you will get profit sharing over my dead body.
[.]
What's wrong with Mr.
James? I don't know.
I, uh More importantly, Beth, since when do you care about profit sharing? Well, I know you guys think that I just coast along on my funny outfits, and my, you know, quirky mannerisms.
But down deep I'm a very serious, cause-oriented person.
Hey, I have a cause.
Really? What is it, Max? Cute girls with red hair.
Wanna have a rally? Hello.
I'm sorry I'm late, everybody.
No one cares.
Now, look.
This is some simple misunderstanding.
Don't you wanna know where I was? No.
Now, I promise I'll talk to-- Well, I'm late because I just got back from my first session with my therapist.
Oh, then good.
Oh! Yeah.
Good for you, Matthew.
Yeah, that's right, good for me.
Bad for you, Lisa.
What's that supposed to mean? You know what it means, all right.
Okay, that was weird.
So, um I suggest we all pretend it never happened.
All right? And the, uh, meeting's adjourned.
Sir, do you feel okay? No, Dave, I feel like jumping out of this window.
Why? Why did she have to go and ask for profit sharing, Dave? Why'd she have to go and do that? Why'd you have to turn her down? I thought you wanted profit sharing.
I do, I do, Dave, but then she had to go and ask for it.
She screwed it all up.
I mean, you saw me, didn't you? I was beaming and everything.
Yes, you were, sir.
I'm-- But I'm afraid I really don't get it.
All right, just sit down for a second.
Le-Let me tell you the first rule of business.
When an employee asks for something, don't give it to 'em.
Why not? Because if I give it to 'em, it looks like I'm caving in, like I'm a-- Like I'm a caveman.
But, sir, uh, cavemen didn't cave in.
Did some cavemen cave in? Well, I would assume some did.
Well, point to Jimmy.
Okay, so, what? So this means what? No profit sharing ever, right? No, it doesn't mean that.
It means when she stops asking, then I'll give it to her.
Oh, well, if it makes any difference to you, you know, she wasn't speaking for the rest of the staff.
She was acting on her own.
That's supposed to make me feel better? Beth is my favorite person in this office.
I'm not going to pretend that doesn't hurt, sir.
Oh, you, come on over here, cupcake.
You know I think you're great.
You're just great and everything.
But, you know, Beth is like a fragile, little helpless doll.
The hell she is.
Now, would you le-let me finish.
A fragile little helpless doll who's now filled with bile and corruption and who must be crushed.
Joseph, I need to talk to you.
So talk.
No, in private, please.
It's about my therapy.
Dude, no offense, but one of the reasons why we encouraged you to go to therapy is so you wouldn't talk to us about your stupid problems.
I know, I know, I know, but this is very serious.
Please? All right.
What? What's it about? Well, my therapist put me under hypnosis, right? And in that state I was able to [CHOKING UP.]
Recover some memories of some things that happened to me.
What kind of things? Satanic ritual abuse.
What?! Shh! Please.
What, do you mean sacrificing live chickens, stuff like that? Nothing like that.
This was basically just Psychological torture, demon worship.
You know the drill.
Look, dude.
I've read a lot about this memory crap.
And, mostly, it turns out to be totally bogus.
You know, I bet your parents are probably completely innocent.
No, no, no.
Not my parents.
You guys.
What?! Shh! It was, like, five or six weeks ago.
Don't you remember? No.
Yeah.
Because you guys were just victims like me.
But I happen to know who the ringleader was.
Who? Well Hey, you guys.
[HISSING.]
Back off, witch.
I'll take care of this.
All right, what the hell was that? What was what? Nothing happened.
I'm having a perfectly normal day.
Paging Mr.
James.
Mr.
Jimmy James.
Right here, Max.
Mr.
James.
Beth will now negotiate with you on the subject of profit sharing.
Where? In the break room.
Kind of table? Table in the break room.
Arrival? She's there.
Time limit? None.
Sucker.
Come on, let's get it on.
If you could just wait here for a moment? Mr.
James? Uh, Beth's on a long-distance call to Japan.
Oh.
Can I offer you a refreshment? Yeah, I'll take a soda.
We don't have any soda.
Actually, there's a fridge full of soda over there.
And I said, we don't have any soda.
Wow! This is gonna be tougher than I thought.
Hello, Mr.
James, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
I was tied up on a long distance call.
No problem.
Won't you have a seat? Yeah.
It's kind of intimidating.
It's nice work, kid.
You're doing great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
But! If you think I'm gonna give you profit sharing, you are out of your mind.
I would not be so sure about that if I were you.
Oh, yeah? Okay, fine.
You-- You-- You want to negotiate? Bring it on.
All right.
That's fine.
[SHOUTING.]
I will bury you! What was that? Oh, it's just a standard opening move.
Now it's your turn.
Go ahead.
So you're telling me, Lisa ritually abused you in the break room? Yes.
Don't you remember? Let me think.
Lisa Miller, ritual abuse, break room.
No! Okay, maybe this will jog your memory.
She decorated the whole room with these huge, hideous orange heads that glowed in unearthly light.
Sorta like jack-o'-lanterns? Yeah, sort of, but much scarier, okay.
And then Lisa, acting as some kind of ceremonial priestess forced my head into a bowl of water and made me try to bite this evil fruit.
Sorta like bobbing for apples.
Yeah, sort of.
But then we all had to dance to this occult music, right? We're all dancing around to this crazy song about monsters and vampires.
Sort of like the "Monster Mash".
Wait a minute.
It's coming back to me.
Yes.
It was a lot like the "Monster Mash" except this was definitely not a graveyard smash.
It sounds like you suffered through quite an ordeal.
Yeah, don't I know it.
It also sounds like you're talking about the office Halloween party.
Nice try.
We did not have an office Halloween party this year.
Sure we did.
You drank too much of Max's spookadelic punch.
You wound out making out with that girl from accounting that smells like garbage.
Yeah, you passed out right over here.
No, I think I woulda remembered that.
You know what? You're right.
See? We didn't have an office Halloween party this year.
I know, see? You know what? I think you should devote yourself to tormenting the notorious ring leader of WNYX ritual abuse club.
Yes.
Lisa Miller.
Excellent.
Now, here we see how we work without profit sharing.
It's pretty pathetic, huh? You said it.
[WHISPERS.]
Max.
But here we see how we work with profit sharing.
Wee.
Well, that's very scientific.
You understand.
So we get it.
Right? No way.
Mr.
James, I represent the entire staff.
Max, does Beth represent you? No.
And you're helping her because--? She's a cute girl with red hair.
[.]
Ah! Put your hand in the garbage disposal, huh? Mmm.
Messy.
Ha-ha.
Matthew filled my purse with ketchup.
Why would he do that? You don't wanna know.
That's true.
Well, well, well, looks like the victimizer has become the victim.
How's it feel? Oh, God, those eyes.
Back off.
Do you have anything I can wipe this off with? Uh, no, nothing handy, but I was gonna get French fries with my lunch if you wanna wait.
Fine, Dave.
Now you've forced me into it.
I curse you, and your domain.
Dave? Why does Mr.
James hate me? Doesn't hate you, loves you.
No, he used to love me, but now I ask him for one tiny, little thing and he treats me like the rest of you.
Well, that sounds just terrible, Beth.
Look, you know what? Just trust me on this, all right? Jus-Just give in to Mr.
James.
No.
And everything will be fine.
No, Dave.
This is about justice and doing what's right.
I am fighting for the American dream, damn it.
The American dream is profit sharing? No.
Dave.
The American dream is a six-pack and a subscription to Playboy.
But how are we gonna get there without profit sharing? Okay, Beth.
Let me tell you the whole story of what happened-- Ah, Dave.
When we-- Oh.
Well, well, well, We meet again.
Oh, come on, honey, why don't you just give it up? I'm holding all the cards.
You can't beat me.
Then I guess I have to play my ace.
Oh, yeah? And what is that? I quit.
Can't do that.
So you'll give us the profit sharing? Can't.
Well, it's nice to finally know how important I am around here.
Fine, fine.
Jus--Just see if I care.
See if, see if I care.
Hasta la vista, baby.
No.
No, Mr.
James, no.
[.]
What are you doing? Welcome to my little altar of terror.
Shoe's not so comfy when it's on the other foot, is it? Or should I say hoof? Joe? I'm just an impartial observer.
Put the voodoo doll over the fire.
Oh, good idea.
Here.
Hey, Lisa, anybody ever tell you you have a hot ass? Matthew, I did not ritually abuse you.
Wait a minute.
I'm recovering another memory.
Yes.
I see you in your ceremonial finery.
Some kind of red sash, and-- And-- And a frilly shirt and an eye patch.
A pirate.
I was dressed as a pirate for Halloween.
Sounds pretty satanic to me.
Oh, my God.
Then you made me make out with some hideous she-demon who smelled like garbage.
Ow! Get away from me.
Okay.
You win this time, but I will be back.
And you can tell your little boyfriend, Lucifer, I'll be back for him too.
Joe, it is not funny.
All right, all right, If I was you, I'd be pissed too.
Thank you.
But since I'm me, I'm laughing my ass off.
[CACKLING.]
Ow! She-devil.
Save that stuff for the freak.
[.]
Dave, don't-- Don't you see how serious this is? I made Beth quit.
And she'll be back, sir.
No, she won't be back.
She's got a little thing called gumption.
She's got a little thing called pride.
All right.
Why don't you stop being so stubborn and give her her profit sharing? Yeah, well, if I only could, Dave.
But then I'd just be Jimmy the Caveman.
Threaten to quit, he'll give you anything.
I'm a tortured soul here, Dave.
Sir, I think exactly who is being tortured right now is debatable.
Okay, Dave, this is serious.
Don't you realize she's out there alone, prey to all the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City? Sir, Beth is one of the wolves that haunts the mean streets of New York City.
Okay, I'm gonna cry now.
Thanks for the warning, sir.
What do we want? Profits.
When do you want them? Max? Now.
That's right.
What do we want? Well, Beth, nice to see you back.
What a surprise.
I'm only here to free my oppressed co-workers, Dave.
Really? Tell me, Max, how do you feel about this whole thing? I think it's silly.
But look how red she gets when she gets excited.
She's like a glorious sunset.
Beautiful.
Beth, I think you're gonna have to give this up.
I don't think Mr.
James is gonna budge.
I know you mean well, Lisa, but with an attitude like that, it's no wonder you've got blood all over your shoes.
Damn it.
Matthew? Don't hit him till I get there.
Beth, I know this sounds crazy, but ju-just trust me on this.
If you really want profit sharing, just give up and Mr.
James will give it to you.
You know, Dave, unless you're a federal mediator, I would rather take this up with the puppet master himself.
Hey, you talking about me? That's right.
I'm back.
Yes, sir, she's back, and you're happy she's back.
This isn't your fight, son.
Beth, as happy as I am you are safe, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the building before I have you thrown out.
You wouldn't dare.
Oh, yeah? I've called the security guards.
Sir, what are you doing? Come on, sh-she's back.
Make up.
Dave, do I look like I'm wearing a leopard skin loincloth to you? Does it look like I'm dragging my wife by the hair? I can't back down now.
That's all right, Mr.
James.
You can have me beaten by security guards, because one of them is bound to be cute.
And while he's throwing me on the pavement, he'll fall in love, marry me, and come back here and give you a whoopin'.
Formidable, but you should never tell an adversary your plans.
You know you can have me thrown out, Mr.
James, but my message lives on.
Fine, but if you come back here, I'll have you arrested.
Poor little lamb.
[.]
Mr.
James? Yeah.
All of us would like to say that we think you've treated Beth very shabbily, and would like you to do whatever it takes to get her back.
I don't cave in that easy.
Well, why not? Because, next time one of you guys wants something, all you have to do is threaten to quit.
Yeah, but we wouldn't do that.
Well, actually I-I probably would.
Mr.
James, can you just please give in to Beth's demands so she can come back here and we can get back to normal? And what will you do if I don't? Lisa will ritually abuse you.
Is that true, Lisa? Yes, sir, yes, if that's what it takes, yes.
All right.
Come on, you too.
Come on.
Come here.
Come on.
All right, we're gonna settle this right now.
Beth, tell Mr.
James you don't want profit sharing.
No, not on your life.
I haven't even begun to fight yet.
All right.
Fine, fine.
Now, Mr.
James, tell Beth what you told me before the meeting this morning.
Can't do that.
Oh! Look, Max, this is a private meeting.
Look, Dave, I know when I'm not wanted, but that's when I'm needed the most.
Okay, okay.
Let's just-- Listen to me, Beth.
Mr.
James wanted to give you profit sharing.
Dave.
No, Mr.
James.
But he wanted to give it to you as a gift.
So when you asked for it at the meeting, he-he was afraid it would look like he was caving in to your demands.
An-And you.
Sir, Beth believed passionately in profit sharing, all right? And then, because of her special friendship with you, apparently a friendship that's more special than all your other friendships around here.
She was a little upset when you wouldn't even discuss it with her.
Is that how you really feel about it? Is that how you really feel about it? I am so sorry.
Oh, let's not ever fight again.
BOTH: Never, never, never, never, never, never.
Max? Fine.
I didn't wanna be part of your stupid hug anyway.
Okay, look.
All right, let's go outside and talk about profit sharing.
Well, that was kinda sickening.
Yeah.
Want a hug? Yeah, but don't tell anyone about it.
What's the matter, Lisa? Are we all out of eye of newt? Matthew, for the last time, I am not a witch, and I do not worship Satan.
Now leave me alone.
Oh, really? Well, there's only one way to find out.
What's that? Ah, whoa! What the hell is this? A little liquid treat I call water.
When does she start melting? You did use holy water, right? Well, mineral water.
That's the same thing, right? You know? I'm gonna go get some crosses and stuff.
I'll be back.
Matthew.
What do I have to do to make you stop doing this? Just admit that you're the unholy succubus who tried to corrupt my immortal soul and apologize.
I'm the unholy succubus that tried to corrupt your immortal soul.
I'm very, very, very sorry and I'll never do it again.
Okay, apology accepted.
Great.
But that's not good enough.
God, no.
What? What else? What more could you possibly want? Teach me how to do it.
All right, first of all, you're gonna need a live chicken and a working knowledge of Latin.
Okay.
[.]