Reno 911! (2003) s05e10 Episode Script

[bangs.]
James Petrie Washington, we have a warrant for your arrest! Come out with your hands up! Washington: Oh, what the fuck do you want? Come out with your hands up! We have a warrant for your arrest! Open the door! Open the door! Do it! Do it! Do it! Go! Go! Go! Fuckers! Huff and puff all you want! Can we have our battering ram back? Whoa! Oh, poop.
[indistinct shouting.]
[shouts indistinctly.]
Oh! You're not allowed on that! What? What? [screams.]
all right.
[grunting.]
[indistinct shouting.]
There's a tornado! No, no! Women: Hell, no! We won't blow! Yeah! No, no, no! He's my friend! [grunts.]
Put it right on the ground.
Put it right on the ground.
[screams.]
mtv networks Officers of the new Iraqi police force I cannot express how proud we are That we shall be training you this week.
We understand the sacrifice that you are making- Boldly putting your lives on the line For a better future for your people.
We may look different on the outside- Wait! But on the inside- Wait, sorry! We are all here At the- Uh, sorry.
Hi.
I'm the translator.
I'm late.
Sorry.
Um, they don't speak English.
Oh, poop.
Really? [both speak in Arabic.]
Oh.
I just did, like, a whole crowd- Did anybody remember what I was saying? [indistinct chatter.]
something about peace? We're psyched you're here.
[speaks in Arabic.]
Uh, uh, Garcia and Johnson are gonna teach you a bunch of cop stuff.
[speaks in Arabic.]
You can take this back to Iraq [speaks in Arabic.]
And make it not so horrible.
[both speak in Arabic.]
What's he say? He like your moustache.
It's straight.
It's nice.
Mmm.
Nice.
So, here's where we start paying in sweat.
Ok.
[speaking in Arabic.]
Yella! [indistinct shouting.]
Oh, oh, oh! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Put 'em down! Put 'em on the fucking ground! On the ground! Whoo! Ok.
We should probably clear.
There's lead coming down At some point soon.
Yeah? Yeah.
Man: Right now! Oh! Hold on, there! Hold on, hold on.
Hold on.
Whoa.
Whoa! Calm down.
Calm down.
Whoo! Calm down, sir.
Ok.
All right.
[screaming.]
Sir, what's wrong? What seems to be the problem? I just- I just need some money! What's with the boxing gloves? You don't have a gun? No! You're not using any weapons, sir? No! I don't need some more weapons! These are fist bombs! Fist bombs right here, baby! Sir, it's a whole lot easier to hold the store up If you have a weapon of some kind, maybe a firearm.
[indistinct.]
That's wrong with America! You all want to kill people! I just wanted to knock him out and take the money.
[screaming.]
All right.
All right.
Take this! Candy shock! Jones: Enough! Stop it! Calm down! Ok.
Calm down.
Oh! Careful! Careful! Garcia: Hey! Don't get in my face.
Don't you pull that.
I'm not pulling anything.
He's not gonna pull it.
Real men use their hands.
What? Real men Use Their hands! Are you deaf? Give me the gloves.
Karate.
Give my partner the gloves.
Oh, ok.
I'll show you a lesson, all right? Come here.
Give me the gloves.
Let's go.
Ring the bell.
Ding! Ding.
Here we go.
[grunts.]
Aah! Oh! Ok.
Put the money in the bag.
Give it.
Give it.
Give me.
Give me.
That is awesome! Ok.
It's always sad when someone dies, huh? This young man was driving drunk, Comma, Without knowing how to do it properly.
Ok? Let me say that again.
This young man was driving drunk Without having practiced So he would know how to do it right.
And you're not stupid, And I'm not gonna treat you like you are.
I'm gonna tell you something that's pretty controversial.
Some people drive better when they're intoxicated Than they do when they're sober.
Hi.
My name's deputy Johnson.
I'm able to do such a thing, all right? Think about it.
My day-to-day life, When I'm driving, what am I doing? I'm playing air guitar? Maybe I'm trying to wipe mustard off my pants, Or I'm texting somebody, But I'm sure as hell not looking at the road.
Yes, I said hell.
Live with it.
When I am driving drunk, Mirror, mirror, every 30 seconds.
The air conditioner's on me, I've got some speed metal on the radio, I'm pumped.
I'm paying attention.
Believe me.
I've been doing this since I was 11 years old.
I'm very good at it.
It's like using condoms, Or popping a penicillin Before you have multiple encounters.
You know? Safety.
Yeah? I see a lot of pretty girls here today A lot of pretty girls.
Some of you have definitely got careers In gentlemen's magazines later on And adult entertaining.
All right? I hope that when it comes time to list your turn-offs, That vehicular manslaughter Will be one of those turn-offs.
Anything we can do to help these poor Iraqis Without actually going over there, I'm all for.
Mm-hmm.
I think the Iraqi cops- I took a peek at them, And, uh, hubba hubba.
That's all I have to say.
The tall one is something.
He's no Osama, but he's-ow.
Mm-hmm.
Today, we begin light calisthenics to get you in shape.
We're gonna do On my count, I want you to all chime in with me, OK? And we go.
And one, and 2, and 3, 4, And 10.
[Iraqis exclaim.]
Good job, gentlemen.
Ma'am, calm down.
He don't want to go to school.
He don't want to read.
All right.
That's what I'm here for.
To protect and serve, all right? He's rude.
You just calm down.
I'll take care of it.
You stay back here and let me take care of- Pepe! Pepe! Sheriff's department, Pepe.
Come on out and go to school.
Your mom's real upset with you now.
Come on out here, you little beaner.
Look.
Taking off my badge, Pepe.
Now it ain't deputy Travis Junior.
It's just Travis Junior.
Man to mamano a mano.
Why don't we, uh- Hola.
Fuck! Fuck! [grunts.]
Hola, Holmes.
[clatter.]
Dangle: Got ourselves a massive narcotics seizure here.
Got this totally innocuous bunny hugs-a-bunch doll.
[giggles.]
Oh, damn it.
Every time you touch them, it- That tickles! Does that.
But check it out here.
Bunny love you! Aah! Kinda wish he'd stop saying that.
Wiegel: Yeah, makes you feel bad.
Look at that.
Ahh.
I caught this one.
Look at this.
That tickles! Pure Colombian yayo inside all of them.
[grunts.]
Oh! I wish there was a way- Maybe we should get some earplugs or something.
Stop it! Stop.
Stop! Stop saying that! [bunny giggles.]
stop it! That tickles.
Here.
You gotta- you know what? Ugh! There we go.
You're bunny's sweetheart! Stop! Here, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
I got it.
I got it.
Ok.
No.
Those are my balls.
Oh.
That's my dick.
Jesus, we got a lot to go through here jim.
All right.
Boom.
Why do you have so much coke on you? What? What did you do? Huh? What did you do? What do I have on me? You have coca all over your face.
You have pure, uncut yayo on your face.
What did you do? Where? [bunny giggles.]
On your face.
On your face.
Get it off.
That tickles! Yuck! [spits.]
now I got bunny insides on me.
Howdy! I'm from the Reno sheriff's department.
And this is king.
He's currently available for adoption At the washoe animal shelter.
[indistinct.]
As you can see, king is a friendly, spirited dog Who loves people.
There are no bad dogs, only bad owners, And the people who owned king Were some mean Puerto Rican bastards.
So come on down to the Washoe county animal shelter And make a new friend for life.
Aah! Aah! You know, I gotta say, Garcia's sort of been in charge of training these Iraqi boys, And Garcia could not train a monkey to shit monkey shit.
If he had 2 years and a truckload of Exlax.
Johnson: Ok.
So we're gonna head over to the firing range.
And this will be your target.
Ok, I'm just gonna- I'm gonna get the black guy with the switchblade.
Garcia: And what we need to do, uh, When we're properly trained is We need to know how to field strip these weapons.
So what I'm gonna do is demonstrate to you- I'm gonna go ahead and put this gun back together.
It's been field stripped.
I'm gonna put it back together blindfolded.
With proper training, you'll all be able to assemble this gun Blindfolded, in under 30 seconds.
[Iraqis speaking in Arabic.]
What I'll do is, um- I'm gonna need someone to time me.
Go.
Go.
[rattling.]
All right.
Go ahead and get in closer If you need to see better, gentlemen.
Man: This is where it is.
I'm sure it is.
Oh of course you would know, with all your DUl'ss.
I had a couple of peach schnapps with dinner.
Don't-not now.
Our daughter has been kidnapped.
Our daughter has been kidnapped! You gotta help us.
Oh, OK! She's got, um, big, big gold- Hoop earrings.
Gold hoops.
She's wearing a dashiki.
Very long nail extensions.
Extremely long, with little crystals.
Yeah.
We put little crystals and stars.
What's her name? Her name is beyoncé Shabazz Wayans.
There's 3.
It's a middle name.
Is that-is that her real name? That's her professional- That's her professional name.
She would answer to beyoncé or b.
B.
She would answer to beyoncé? Or beyonca- shaba-shabazz.
Shabazz beyoncé- she has 2 zs.
I'm sorry- she was at the pageant.
The only pageant That's going on in town today is little miss nubian.
Yeah.
That's right.
That's correct.
I know that because my daughter won it, Like, Yeah.
Who's your daughter? Danielle? Oh! I am such a fan! Oh, danielle is so gifted.
She's a sexy girl.
Very sexy young lady.
Very sexy girl.
Ok.
Your baby is in little miss nubian? She's like a little Gabrielle Union, that one.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, delicious.
That's what I said.
I said, love that.
You guys are- you're caucasian.
You're-that's- Uh, beyoncé- Little miss nubian is a- Beyoncé is wearing a little bit of makeup.
She's got makeup on.
A little bit of makeup.
I said, bring home from the computer store- He works in a computer store.
Doesn't know much about the biz.
But we put some toner on her face.
Toner dust.
Except for her lips, which we made white.
Like a-like a- like a-like a big lip.
We really - this pageant was a biggie.
Let me tell you - she had the talent competition cornered.
She was gonna sing old man river And then dedicate it to the Katrina victims.
[sighs.]
From showboat.
Dump that one.
Dump it.
[bunny toy giggles.]
Oh, boy! Ahh! Shit.
Shit.
Uh-oh.
Uh - shit.
Shit.
Hang on.
Hey! [sniffs.]
Ahh.
Ok.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
Dump it.
Dump it.
Dump it.
[sniffs.]
ah! Ah! [sniffs.]
ah! Ok.
I think we have a couple of grosses to go.
But weirdly, I feel more awake now than I did before.
I'm ready to go! I'm good to go.
I feel more awake now than I did before.
I feel more awake- ♪ than I did before ♪ Go team, go! Did we get this guy? ♪ go ♪ bunny: Oh, boy! ♪ go team! ♪ Think fast.
What? Ahh! Oh, my god! [sniffing.]
aah! Aah! [indistinct.]
hold on.
Hold on.
The only way to get it off is to lick it.
You have some.
Ok.
Ok.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh, my gums are so numb.
[both grunting.]
Oh, man.
Oh! [indistinct.]
Shove him in the eyeballs.
Unh! Shut up! Shut up! Aah! Stop! Stop! Shut up! Shut up! [indistinct.]
[indistinct.]
You fucked with the wrong person You mother fucker! Bunny: Wow, that tickles! Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
Get it off.
It's everywhere.
Get it off.
Get it off.
[sighs.]
[panting and indistinct chatter.]
Bunny wants you to play! Stop-stop saying that! Are you talking to him? No, I'm talking to you.
Should I stop? No.
Him? I'm talking to you.
Stop talking.
Me? Yeah.
No, I'm talking to him.
Oh, shit, I thought I was talking- Bunny wants you to play.
Who's talking? Oh, god.
I forgot who I was talking to for a second.
It's ok.
Forgot who I was talking to for a second.
It's gonna be ok.
What the fuck was that? Hold up.
Hold up.
Just breathe.
Oh, I'm having a heart attack.
Now, ma'am, this burglary happened pretty recently, right? Yeah.
Within a few hours.
Yeah, just a couple of hours ago.
Now, can you describe the items he took from the premises? Yeah.
Ok.
My king kong dildo.
King kong dildo.
Yes, and it's real specific because I had to order it.
Did he harm you physically in any way? Was it just a simple- yeah! All right.
Well, Why don't you describe to me exactly what happened? All right.
Right hand like this.
Ok.
Then what did he do next? And then, he was gonna try to lift me, And then he put his hand around my waist like that.
All right.
And then I was gonna try to buck him, But he bucked me first.
He was like-[grunts.]
Oh! Whoa! All right! Like, he was bucking me.
And then what happened? And I kept trying to buck back, but he kept bucking me.
So he was, like, going like that? Yeah, and I was, like, going like that.
All right.
And he flung me around- Whoa! Pushed me back like tha.
Oh, all right.
[indistinct.]
Ok.
All right.
All right.
So he, like, had me pinned.
Ok.
All right.
So he had you pinned.
Now, did he have you by the wrists, Or were your arms free, like mine are right now? Oh, he had me by the wrists.
Ok.
Now, did you try at all, like, wriggle or writhe? No, 'cause- you know, do like that? No, 'cause what he did was, he pinned me harder, like- Oh, my-all right.
And when he did, I know he came down on me.
All right.
Ok.
He came down.
Oh, my god.
And that's when- You say- He probably said you're a little pig.
You're a little pig.
You're a little whiny pig.
Why would he say that? Ha ha! Good job! [laughs.]
Good job.
Good job.
Last one! Ha ha! Yeah! [bunny giggling.]
Nice.
Reno S.
D.
Bunny: That tickles! Getting it done! Getting the job done! Whoo! Ha! Good job.
Good work.
Excellent.
Very good.
Afternoon, folks.
Penrose.
D.
E.
A.
[bunny laughs.]
that tickles! I'm here to pick up Play.
Tee hee hee.
You're bunny's sweetheart! ♪ a, b, c, d, e, f, g ♪ ♪ h, I, j, k, I, m, n, o, p ♪ [flushes.]
♪ q, r, s, t, u, v- ♪ [clangs.]
I have never been prouder than to be an ambassador To these brave Iraqi law enforcement professionals.
It is a great honor that has been bestowed upon us.
I hope that we are imparting some of our knowledge to them.
And in turn we are- some of their culture Is being imparted to us.
But they smell like goats That were raised in a fart.
Tonight is showtime.
And tonight, we go live.
Tonight, we face the blue-eyed devil face to face.
And that blue-eyed devil is crystal meth.
God and allah on our side tonight! Tonight, we take no prisoners and we kick some ass! [speaking in Arabic.]
Right.
You're doing a kick-ass job.
We're so glad you're here for this week with us.
You can't cut off people's hands, but you guys are awesome.
That's right.
This is a chant we say in Iraq Before we go to the force.
Ok.
[chanting in Arabic.]
[all screaming and whooping.]
[all chanting in Arabic.]
[garcia chanting in Arabic.]
[dog barks.]
Hey, terry.
Man: Hi.
How's it going? Good.
I have to go tinkle.
Give me hug.
Hi.
[grunts.]
God, I missed you! How are you? Good.
You want to go tinkle, and then we'll talk? No, I'll tinkle later.
Ok.
Looks like you did a little bit here.
I dribbled a little bit.
I haven't seen you, I feel like, in so long.
I've been super busy.
This is amazing.
Did you do this? Oh, bless you.
Yeah, I did.
Did you? You have a bedazzler now? I have a be- a re-predazzler.
What's a re-predazzler? It bedazzles stuff that's already been dazzled And then dazzled again.
God, you are a genius.
That's what they say.
Oh, you know what? I just remembered.
Ah, it is so good I ran into you tonight.
What? Um, that woman whose mailbox you just jizzed in? Yes.
Yeah.
She wants you taken in, so I have to take you to jail.
She was mad about that? Yeah, she was.
Ok, that's fine.
So you're gonna come with me.
Let's go to jail.
♪ weiner party in my mouth ♪ ♪ everyone's invited! ♪ You know, it's great that these Brave Iraqi policemen Are over here trying to better themselves, Learning some of our tactics and techniques.
And I would love to think that They're gonna take those skills back to the middle east, And they will pave the way to a brighter future In that part of the world.
But let's face it- That's a bunch of bull shit.
No.
They don't even- that place is fucked.
They can't even afford concrete.
That is the fucking crotch of the earth over there.
Oh, my god.
The fucking - you are underneath the nut sack Of the fucking devil over there.
I wouldn't- I wouldn't go to the middle east- Now, people are going to take this out of context When I say The earth should open up and suck that part of the world back in, Take it back in in one giant sinkhole.
They eat sand.
Dangle: The Iraqis left us this package.
[ticking.]
Probably something nice.
Yeah.
[ticking.]
[indistinct.]
it does.
Cuckoo clock or something.
Maybe we should just dunk it in the water.
Maybe we should dunk it in the water.
[all talking at once.]
Dangle: All right? [splashes.]
[Johnson yelps.]
[all exclaim.]
Wiegel: Cigars! Williams: We ruined them.
[all scream.]
Kimball: Oh! Dangle: Oh, Bin Laden.
Kimball: That's good.
[laughter.]
Shit! That was good.
That's great.
You got us, Bin Laden! You got us good, Bin Laden.
First one.
Oh! That's good.
Ok, that's pretty good.
We should send this to somebody.
Let's take it to the fire department.
Let's head to the fire department! [cheering.]
Ha ha! Fuck those guys.
by mtv networks Captioned by the national captioning What does it mean when your arm's going numb? It's good stuff? [smacking.]
It's good stuff.
Well, that hadn't been stepped on at all.
Wow.
They're not fucking around, those Colombians.
Man.
Mmm.
I had a fucking good day.
Hadn't been stepped on at all.
Man, you can tell sometimes they got stepped on.
Yeah, you know what? This is not cut with anything.
It's cut clean.
It's a real clean, clean cut.
A lot of times, the thing is- No, they'll cut it with something.
They'll cut it with rat poison- They'll cut it with Clorox- Or kind of a bleach.
Even laundry detergent, but this stuff is actually- It's just a pure- it's totally pure.
Let's make sure it carefully- This is a long fucking day.