Rick and Morty (2013) s05e10 Episode Script

Oh! Oh! Ah!
It's the crow man!
Give it a second.
Maybe he's taking it out to surrender.
He's anti-heroic. Run!
I don't understand.
He's only one man!
With the power of a thousand crows.
Oh, oh! Ooh!
Good luck.
Crows and owls have always been at war,
but why do you care?
- What's the point?
- Here's two.
- Ha-ha! Yeah. Cool.
- Morty?
Uh, h-hey, man!
Good to see you!
Y-You're, like, looking,
like, into crows still.
Oh, uh, two crows, you remember Morty.
Morty, two crows.
It's good to see you, but if you'd
given me more of a heads up
Well, I-I was just in the neighborhood.
- I-It wasn't like
- It's just that the battle for crows
is kind of never-ending.
Huh. Right.
A little pointless, then, right?
That came out wrong, s-sounded judgy.
- Crowhorse. Crowhorse.
- Okay.
- Crowhorse. Crowhorse.
- Looks like
looks like they're
leading you to a thing.
- Take care, Morty.
- You You too!
I-I'm doing good, by the way.
Oh, my dad was gonna eat that yogurt
you left in the fridge,
but I-I told him
I'm looking for Crow Scare.
The scarecrow? The evil scarecrow?
Come on. Whoever gives
him up first lives.
Fine, I can kill an extra asshole.
Helps me get my steps in.
Ah!
Ahhh!
- Rick!
- Morty?
Wood?! Aghhhh!
Uh, Morty, why are you now like 40?
Th-That's how long it's been, Rick.
Oh, uh, I guess we can have
a drink together, then.
Do you have a rum and Coke?
What are you, 20?
Oh, bless your heart.
Time be goin' by, don't she?
That's your reaction to finding out
you wasted your entire life?
I feel okay.
Well well, what about me?!
Whoa. Excuse us, boys.
You don't wanna be here for this.
I thought if I gave you enough space,
you'd outgrow this phase.
Here's your drink, poser.
Dad got sick, you know. Stage 4.
You would've loved it.
Summer's a nurse well,
pretty much a nurse.
She She married a junkie.
Rick, come home,
while we still got a little time.
Morty, what we had wasn't healthy.
And this is? Y-You've had a thousand
adventures with these crows.
When are you gonna kill their big bad?
First off, the "will they/kill they"
is everything to my guys.
And second, [BLEEP] you for trying
to undermine my happiness.
This may be the last time
you ever lay eyes on me!
I hope that's not true, Morty,
because you look like shit,
and this is not how
I wanna remember you.
Now that I have his two crows,
nothing will stop me from
eliminating Crow Rick.
Don't defend him to me.
I don't even get what you see in him.
You're right.
We should be enjoying the
time we have together.
Crow Rick! Oh, I-I know what
this must look like, but
It looks like my arch
nemesis, Crow Scare,
and my sidekicks planning
adventures together.
You are hardly the victim here.
I was adventuring with these two crows
before you ever came along.
What do you mean,
"using me as a rebound?"
You feel like I was using
you as a rebound, too?
Well, [BLEEP], this lost all meaning.
I guess it could have been worse.
At least adventuring was just a metaphor
for romantic partnership,
so it's not a real break-up.
Speak for yourself. We immensely
enjoy each other's bodies.
What?! Ugh! No!
Sounds like the man's asking for proof.
Let's show him, fellas!
- I-I asked for zero proof!
- Ahh!
Zero proof!
I'm giving you free will.
Yah!
Submit to Crow Horse!
Whoops.
- Rick?
- Wubba lubba dub dub!
- I'm back, pal!
- Morty, who's at the door?
Wait a minute. I thought
you died gruesomely?
- W-what the hell's going on here?
- See, uh, the the thing is, uh
Can you please make Morty 14 again, Dad?
- This is ridiculous.
- Okay, look,
I-I may have used an aging serum
to kind of emotionally
blackmail you a little.
I kind of figured, and
I totally get it, Morty,
I-I'm done with the two crows.
Like, they were super clingy
and I'm ready to make this work.
Let's just hit the reset button.
Well, no, honey, not a reset, okay?
Tell your grandpa that
you're worthy of his respect
and you want to be treated
differently from now on.
I refuse to do that. I-I'm
desperate to get back together.
- Just like his old man.
- Don't worry, honey.
That's just Morty's middle age talking.
He'll be less codependent
once we get more of his life
- in front of him again.
- Uh, I'd like him to stay 40
so he can keep buying my friends molly.
I'd rather throw my vote away
than use it to support a flawed system.
Can we make our first
adventure fixing this?
- I keep thinking about lawn care.
- Okay, buddy.
Who sold you this shitty aging serum?
- What did he look like?
- Just like you.
- I-I got it from the Citadel.
- Hot damn.
Hittin' the ground running
with a Citadel episode.
See ya later, masturbators.
Hi! I'm Citadel's new mascot, Andy,
because this place wouldn't be home
- without Ricks "Andy" Mortys.
- Dumb.
Ooh, what happened to this place?
There's a Morty president now.
Aw, that's cute. They rebuilt.
They made it nicer.
- They made it Glendale.
- God damn, you are cantankerous.
Even pooping hurts now.
Yeah, well, this place is
gonna fix you right up.
Okay, so, we've got a standard Morty
that's been aged to 40?
- Can you reverse it?
- Well, if you look at it like a bone,
what we can do is break
his age in two places,
remove the middle, and graft
its ends back together.
Th-that sounds really violent.
- It's not a literal bone, Morty.
- Oh, okay.
Ah, brace yourself, the process
does also break every bone
- in your body.
- Wait! Aah! Ooh! Ow!
- I like crayons.
- Girls are gross.
I-I think I feel like myself again.
Uh, you look a little weird.
Your skin's all pink like a baby mouse.
- I-Is that normal?
- Probably.
Uh, sign here for storage or disposal
of the 26 years we removed.
Wait, what? I ain't payin'
to store 26 years.
Well, then you're taking it with you.
I'm almost ready to sell out.
All right, what's disposal cost?
Oh!
S-something unfair's happening.
There's no escape. No escape!
Let me help you!
This is not a good look.
Oh!
- Oh, boy.
- Hey! They they shot me!
You are seriously hurting
the Citadel experience.
- Listen to me!
- Drop the gun!
Death is coming for us all,
and the Citadel is a
weapon of mass des
Woof. You're about to
get suspended with pay.
Come on, Morty, let's get outta
here before this gets political.
Oh! Was I influential?
Yeah, y-you were influential.
Y-You had like seven seven blogs.
Tight. Oh.
Ugh. Too late.
Rick C-137,
President Morty requests
you join him for dinner.
Whoa! S-Seriously?
You know I destroyed this place.
You've been pardoned for that, sir.
Rick! Let's have dinner
with the Morty President.
Morty, the idea was to get
back to simple adventures.
- The Citadel runs on canon.
- Okay.
I guess things really are just going
right back to how they were.
Fine. I could eat.
But the second he reveals
he's evil, we're gone.
I dunno. It tastes pretty good.
Okay, let me know if you
start feeling poisony.
Good to have you back, buddy.
Mmm!
Sorry I'm late. Never
really ends around here.
Look at this, Morty.
They really did make
a you the president.
And I hate 'em every day for it.
But wow! Rick C-137.
Now, that's a guy to move
your schedule around for.
Not Not here to blow
the place up again, I hope.
Ha! Not unless you try to keep me here.
Ha-ha, geez. Wouldn't dream of it.
But it's amazing you dropped by
because I was eventually
gonna hunt you down.
There's the reveal. Let's dance.
- Ha! Geez.
- Rick, come on, man.
The guy got elected president
by Ricks and Mortys.
- He's being really nice.
- All politicians are nice.
He's a hot bag of peanuts, isn't he?
We've been through a lot.
- A-And he does not like
- Serialized drama.
Right, no drama. Keep it episodic.
Ricks never look back.
Waste of a legend in his case.
- You know he practically built this place?
- Wait, what?
And now you're running
it squeaky clean, right?
That's why you got deformed Mortys
coming up through the sewer lines
talking about hope and change?
- Fair enough.
- Good clapback, Rick.
What's the deal with that, Mister P?
I got a little project going on.
Required some hands-on labor.
It would require less if
you were willing to tell me
how one might bring down
the Central Finite Curve.
All right, time to go, Morty.
I want to know what he's talking about.
Yeah, you've come all this way.
Can you give me 10 more seconds?
Literally 10? Because now it would be 6.
Oh, I'm fine with that.
Make it 2.
One.
Like I said, would have been
a big help for you to tell me,
but I should have everything
I need from you now.
Let me just make sure.
You can't scan an entire
brain over appetizers.
Oh, most of yours got
scanned a long time ago.
You probably don't remember.
Check out season 1,
episode 9, Rick Heads.
Excelsior!
- Evil Rick.
- We kicked his ass!
"Evil Rick." I love it.
Smartest man in the universe,
with an ego so big you can
just grab it like a joystick.
Looks complete.
I was afraid I'd have to kill
every Rick on the Citadel
- to get what I needed.
- You asshole! I vouched for you!
He only came here
because I asked him to.
I'm sorry, Rick.
That apology and a
screwdriver in my hand
would be worth a screwdriver.
You sellout Mortys kill me.
I'd hate you more than
the Ricks you worship
if there was any point.
But you can't help it.
You were bred for it.
Wanna see?
You already know Rogue Ricks used Mortys
to hide themselves from the Citadel.
But you might not know it worked so well
that the Citadel became
its own Morty Market.
And I'm sure you don't know
how far they've gone to
help supply meet demand.
Sure, Ricks could scour infinity
for naturally occurring grandsons.
But why bother? So much work.
Such an admission of need.
There aren't infinite versions
of our grandfather, Morty.
He's an infinite smear
of one shitty old man.
And he's attached to us infinitely
through his weakness
and our forgiveness.
- Oh! Oh!
- This is why we're with him.
This is why we're alive.
What the [BLEEP]?
Rick, say this isn't true.
- It isn't the whole truth.
- Liar!
- It's complicated!
- I'm not busy.
Okay, Morty, remember when I
said all I need was your apology
and a screwdriver in my hand?
Well, I forgot I literally have
a screwdriver in my hand.
I mean, duh-doy.
I'm basically Inspector Gadget.
Uh-oh.
It's okay. He's free to go.
He's the Rickest Rick.
We'll never see him again.
Morty, when you came
here for that serum,
did you refill this gun?
Yeah.
Oh. Ooh!
Holy [BLEEP]!
I only know one man that
ever hacked my portal gun,
and it turned out it was evil you.
Yay! He's all caught up.
Wait. Hold it. Hold it.
- Who Who's that?
- Time for Big Boy. Duck!
Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhh!
Does he like it?
It's a metaphor for capitalism,
Morty. What do you think?
Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh!
Ohh! Ohhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhh!
Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhh!
Ohhhhhh!
Yoink!
You can't outrun your past, Rick.
Did you think my force field
would be down the second time?
I was expressing disapproval
of your dialogue.
Disapprove all you want.
Tonight, the quality of
dialogue stops mattering.
Tonight, I do that thing I want to do
with the curve thing.
Nobody leave. Everybody stay.
Nobody leave. Everybody stay.
Nobody leave. Everybody stay.
Nobody leave. Everybody stay.
- Aaaaaaah!
- Nobody leave. Everybody stay.
Nobody leave. Everybody stay.
Nobody leave. Everybody stay.
In uncertain times like these,
I think it's important for me
to say, eat shit, [BLEEP] you.
The drug companies paid
for me to say every word.
I have millions of dollars,
and I don't care if you live oh, God!
Oh, [BLEEP]! No! Aah!
And I'd just like to say that
prescription drugs are great,
and you should buy them now.
What's happening, Rick?
He hacked the entire
city's portal supply.
Come on, there still might
be one way out of here
out the bottom.
What do you think he
needed from your brain?
I assume schematics for the
Citadel's dimensional drive.
If he's gonna use it to blow the curve,
we do not want to be here.
What is the Central Finite Curve?
Q&A after our survival.
Hopefully we can snag some
untainted fluid at the source
and get the [BLEEP] out of here.
Or not.
Wow. I thought my capitalism
metaphor was on the nose.
Ow! Oh!
So did you help build the Citadel?
Do you just lie to me about everything?
Can't we just sneak
through the cave base?
We turned a new leaf, Morty.
We're back to simple adventures.
It's not a new leaf until
you tell me everything.
Morty, we really don't
have time for this.
- The whole place is gonna blow.
- No, I-I don't trust you.
I-I don't want to do this anymore
if I'm not gonna get
straight answers from you.
God damn it!
Here's my [BLEEP]
downloaded brain, Morty.
You want to jump the shark?
You want to know my
stupid crybaby backstory?
Knock yourself out. Not not now!
- Boo ya, Rick.
- Nice one, Morty!
Whoa. Dead wife?
Yes, now everyone can shut up about it.
Wow, Rick, I feel a lot
better having seen all that.
Of course that's the case.
In their minds, they're the underdogs.
And that's how they justify this.
Morty, I'm not responsible
for every [BLEEP]-up Rick out there.
They literally all say that.
They all have that excuse.
It's part of their system.
None of them have to be responsible.
They're all victims of themselves.
Oh, it's so hard to be a genius.
Couldn't you just die?
Well, what are you doing about it?
Jack [BLEEP]. I'm leaving.
Do you know what the
Central Finite Curve is?
They built a wall around infinity.
They separated all
the infinite universes
from all the infinite universes
where he's the smartest
man in the universe.
Every version of us has
spent every version
of all of our lives in one infinite crib
built around an infinite [BLEEP] baby.
And I'm leaving it.
That's what makes me evil
being sick of him.
If you've ever been sick of
him, you've been evil, too.
Rick, did you really leave
the crows for me?
Or did you come back
because they dumped you?
There you go, kid.
Now you're Evil Morty, too.
Sooner or later we all are,
on this side of the curve.
- Ah!
- Ah!
Don't worry, Morty.
We still got a way out
they never thought of
Operation Phoenix.
Doesn't that still mean, like, death?
Sure, but the joke's on them,
'cause we just found a backdoor
to getting off this rock.
Rerouted. Rerouted.
Rerouted. Rerouted.
Rerouted. Rerouted. Rerouted.
- Oh, my [BLEEP] God!
- Come on, Morty. We gotta go.
You can come if you want.
Don't blame me if you don't.
Ugh! From where I sit, Morty,
that's the best deal on the table.
I-I don't have a real plan.
Thanks, pal. I-I'm glad
you ignored my advice.
It's just as well. I lied.
That second seat's a toilet.
Oh. Super dick move.
But weirdly kind of cool to admit it.
Geez, you guys really are bred
for forgiveness. Let's go.
Say goodbye to the Citadel, fellas.
Ooowee! Evil Morty.
That was quite a scheme.
Makes me wonder if there's
an evil me out there.
But I guess sometimes I look at my life,
and I may not even
need him, 'cause, well,
guess I've made a pretty
big mess of things myself.
Ooowee.
Never got my job at the university back.
Remember that? Rick made me do karate.
It It was kinda funny.
But I guess things went
downhill from there.
Started isolating myself from Amy.
Used to tell her everything
I was feeling,
but then I guess I stopped,
'cause I wanted her to love
who she thought I was,
not who I felt myself becoming.
Ever think about how horrified
the people we love would be
if they found out who we truly are?
So we just dig ourselves
deeper into our lies every day,
ultimately hurting the only
people brave enough to love us.
Wish I didn't do that.
Wish I was brave enough
to love them back.
I don't know. Maybe you should try it.
We don't have as much time as we think.
Ooowee.
Did you get any of that?