The Conners (2018) s05e10 Episode Script

1
Oh, come on. How hard is it?
There's three letters left.
"Walk in the pool".
- [Ding]
- "Walk in the park"?
The club we were playing at
had bad electrical and a
a leaky roof.
Yeah.
As soon as my bass player
started screaming,
I thought he was just rocking out.
Turns out he was being electrocuted.
No. No, he's fine. He's fine.
He kind of enjoyed it.
Okay, Mom, I gotta go. Bye. Bye.
- You had to be talking to my mom.
- Your mom is dead.
Still more likely to call you
than your mom.
Yeah, it's like once every 10 years.
But, you know, ever since
my brother Aaron died,
she's been reaching out more.
Wish I'd gone first.
Then she'd be bugging him.
I'm glad your tour brought you
home for a couple of nights.
I've been missing you
the last three weeks.
Yeah.
I can't believe it's only half over.
And the next eight weeks are all
these clubs in the boonies.
Wow.
I've never heard you complain
about the road before.
Usually, you come home
all jacked up from performing
and try to have your way with me.
[Sighs]
- Where's that Louise?
- [Chuckles]
She's burned out.
You know, I still love playing music,
but being away from home
and driving all those miles,
trying to get deadbeat
promoters to pay us
- it's getting old.
- Doesn't sound like any walk in the pool.
It's a very common expression.
Oh, God.
I haven't seen you in weeks,
and I come in
and the first thing I do is complain.
Hey, honey, you don't have to apologize.
You've been out there busting your ass
most of your adult life.
- Everybody hangs it up at some point.
- Mm.
Not Willie Nelson.
Well, Willie doesn't even
know where he is.
He thinks there's 3,000 people
in his living room.
[Chuckles]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
"The Conners" is recorded
before a live studio audience.
Where'd you get all these decorations?
I stole them from Dad's house,
'cause that's what Christmas
is all about.
It's the season of giving,
even if you don't know you are.
Well, next time you're at Dad's,
steal something good for
Emilio's wedding this weekend.
I haven't gotten him a gift yet.
Oh, well, do you think his new bride
will like an old heating pad
or a chipped bowling ball?
Look, since you're going,
just put my name on
whatever crap you find.
Oh, but wrap it nice.
He's the father of my child.
Just you showing up should be enough.
You got him a green card and a kid.
You're not gonna top that
with an air fryer.
I'm sending Beverly Rose
to go without me.
It's humiliating going to
your ex-husband's wedding
without a date.
If I did go, you know that that bouquet
would hit me right in the head
and everyone would say,
"Maybe she won't die alone after all."
I threw mine at you hoping
that they would say that,
but all they said was,
"The hot one should be marrying
Ben, not the sad one."
People are still saying that.
Beverly Rose, come on!
- Time to go to school!
- [Panting]
- Why are you dressed like that?
- Woof! I'm a dog.
And you're a cute one, but you
can't wear that to picture day.
Woof!
I'm serious, Beverly Rose.
You gotta go change.
[Growls] I'm not Beverly Rose.
I'm Pancake.
Aww, that is such a cute dog name.
- Good girl.
- Stop that!
Look, this is your first
school picture, sweetheart,
and it's got to tell the world
that Mommy's doing
a great job raising you.
Otherwise, there's no point in it.
I thought the point is that Pancake
will have an enduring memory
that she can show her puppies
when she's older.
- Beverly Rose, go change.
- [Whimpers]
- Beverly Rose, we're going to be late.
- Not her name.
Fine. Come on, Pancake.
Let's go for a ride.
Open the window
so she can stick her head out.
They like to feel their jowls
flap in the wind.
This was so nice. Thank you.
That candle smells really pretty.
When did you get it?
- It's my bathroom candle.
- [Knock on door]
Who the hell knocks on the door
at this time of night?
[Groans] If it's a burglar,
stall him until I can
get renter's insurance.
Oh, my God. It's worse than a burglar.
It's my mother.
Surprise!
Mom, what are you doing here?
You sounded so down about your career
that I thought you might just need
a little bit of Mom's famous
Apple Brown Betty
to cheer you up!
[Chuckles] Well, okay. Uh, come on in.
Dan, this is my mother, Doris.
Uh, Mom, this is Dan.
He's the guy I married at that
wedding you didn't come to.
I wanted to, but your father
wouldn't let me.
He said, "If we're gonna
drive all the way to Chicago,
we're going to go see the Bean
and not Louise shacking up
with some drywaller."
Charmed, I'm sure.
It really is nice to
finally meet you, Doris.
And Betty and I go way back.
So, Mom, w what what's going on?
You didn't drive all the way
from Wisconsin
just to bring me dessert.
Well, I can't just stop by?
Uh, it's only a few hours away.
I know my night vision is
not as good as it used to be,
but I find if I stay to the right
of the oncoming headlights, I'm fine.
What about pedestrians
and bicycle riders?
- You feel any bump-bumps on the way over?
- [Chuckling] No.
I could drive over a marching band
- and not feel a thing in that RV.
- You and Daddy got an RV?
I mean, you were having
so much trouble on the tour
that I made him buy it so that I could
make your life a little bit
better on the road.
- You're giving me an RV to drive on tour?
- No.
I'm gonna keep you company.
I'm driving so you can relax.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Nothing more soothing than a blind woman
trying to keep a small house
out of oncoming traffic.
Yeah, so, uh, after all this time,
you and Daddy are finally
okay with my career?
Well, I am. He's not. I don't care.
After your brother died,
I did some soul-searching
and I realized I should have
stood up to your dad and supported you.
And if he didn't like it, too bad.
Just think, no more crummy hotels,
and you won't have to
worry about promoters.
I'll make sure you get paid.
[Laughing]
That's a sweet thought, Doris,
but some of those club owners
can be pretty rough.
How are you gonna get
the money out of them?
[Chuckles] No problem.
[Exaggerated elderly voice]
"Oh, somebody help me.
Oh, this man won't give me my money,
and if I don't have money
for my medicine,
they're going to take my foot."
Whoa. That was really good.
I really thought she was
gonna lose her foot.
- [Chuckles]
- You know, this is crazy.
Dan and I were just talking
about me getting off the road.
Yeah, Louise is kind of over it.
Unfortunate timing.
Yeah, but if I could
just play and not hassle
with all this other stuff,
it might go back to being fun.
Y You know what's super fun?
Is caroling and
Christmas puppies and rum.
I could get a candle that
just stays in the living room.
- You wanna see the RV?
- Yeah, I do.
Honey, don't worry.
I'll take a break from the road
and come home for Christmas.
This is crazy. I got my mom back, Dan.
[♪]
- [Knock on door] Hi.
- Oh, hey, Jackie.
- [Door closes]
- Wow.
Word of mouth really got out
about this place.
Well, Lunch Box is closed on Mondays
and Neville's at a vet conference.
He's presenting a new tool
for expressing anal glands.
So if you still use your fingers
now, you're just a weirdo.
What are you doing here?
I'm avoiding our mother-in-law.
Oh, man. Oh, she must be
some piece of work,
'cause Neville would rather
squeeze a dog's ass
in Des Moines than be here
while she's here.
All I know is Louise has
only talked to her mother
like four times in three decades
since they fought about her music,
then out of the blue,
the woman shows up with an RV
to go on tour with her.
That's weird, right?
- Oh, yeah. Something going on there.
- I don't know.
I've seen you ever day for years
and you never get me anything.
Some people would say that's weird.
There you go. Dry your eyes with that.
Where's Beverly Rose?
I got her a flower girl dress
for the wedding.
Look how cute it is.
Yeah, that's really sweet.
I don't know if she's gonna put it on.
She's still a dog.
I think when she sees this, all
that dog nonsense will be over.
Pancake! Come here, girl!
- [Whistles]
- [Panting]
Hey, sweetie.
Look what I bought you to
wear to your dad's wedding.
- Isn't it gorgeous?
- [Sniffs]
You want to try it on?
- [Growling]
- Beverly Rose, stop that!
- Pancake! Leave it!
- [Growling]
Leave it!
Sorry, I'm just trying to
work with what I got here.
You cannot be a dog at
your father's wedding.
You're a little girl, and it's
time for you to act like that.
- It's enough now.
- [Whining]
Anybody want a kid?
She's been doing this for days,
and the wedding's this weekend.
I don't know what to do.
Worst comes to worst, she doesn't go.
Tell people you left
the gate open and she got out.
Would you guys knock it off?
It's really upsetting when
you can't control your kid.
She could have distemper.
Has she had her shots?
[Laughter]
- Aw.
- I think we might have crossed the line.
Well, yeah.
That's where all the fun is,
on the other side of the line.
[♪]
Boy, that is some beautiful
RV you got out there.
That's a big investment for eight weeks.
You and Louise could go
for months in that thing.
Mm-hmm. From your mouth to God's ears.
Every parent's dream.
I hope you don't mind, but
I got the keys from Louise
and went inside and took a look.
I really like that captain's chair.
I felt like a white trash
Captain Picard.
I also found something
interesting in there.
It's the registration for the RV.
You said you and your husband
bought it together,
but it's only got your name on it.
It's the 21st century.
Women are allowed to own things, Hagar.
Yeah, but why did you put
it in your maiden name?
Oh, God, tell me what's on your mind.
It couldn't take long.
You're lying to Louise.
You didn't come because you
wanted to support her music,
and you never stood up to your husband.
You're here because you killed him.
I love cop shows.
I just always wanted to say that.
Seriously, what the hell's
going on, Doris?
Okay, if you have to know,
my husband left me, and it's
none of your business.
I know that you and her dad splitting up
is definitely Louise's business,
and you got all up in my business
by trying to take my wife away
so you wouldn't be alone.
I'll admit it.
I tried to make
the wrong relationship work
and now I'm alone.
You've had her for a few years, Dan.
I haven't had her for 30.
Can't you spare a few?
I get being alone. I lost a spouse.
But at my age, time is precious,
and I want to spend all of it
that I can with Louise.
At your age?
Did you have your third birthday party
ruined by the Hindenburg disaster?
Did you ever try to get kids to
pin the tail on the donkey
when some yo-yo on the radio is
yelling, "Oh, the humanity"?!
Look, we both know what's going on.
Do the right thing.
- Hey.
- If you have more jokes about
what a terrible mother/dog owner I am,
- save them.
- I know.
Look, I just wanted to let you know
that every parent goes through
something like this.
I mean, Mom went through almost
the same exact thing with me.
Remember when I kept barking
in fifth grade?
Yeah, I remember.
I kept asking people,
"Who's that weird only child
that happens to share
my very common last name?"
Well, I remember Mom
asking me why I was doing it
and I said it was because I was
bored in class, but I lied.
About what?
Well, everybody had to get up
and give an oral report
on what their family did
for summer vacation.
Was that the year that Dad
put the plastic liner
in the back of the pickup
and filled it with water?
Yeah, and then he drove it
to the park and said,
- "You kids enjoy the lake."
- [Laughs]
So I pretended to be a dog
to avoid having to get up
in front of my entire class
to tell everybody that my family
spent their summer vacation
- in the back of a truck.
- Okay.
So what's Beverly Rose avoiding?
I don't know. I just had the story.
A good mom would figure that out.
Alright, it wasn't school,
because she went and took the picture.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um, she's never had more playdates.
The only thing that she didn't like
was the flower girl dress. Holy crap.
- It's Emilio's wedding.
- Hmm.
She doesn't want to see
her dad get married
- to someone other than her mommy.
- Oh, my God.
It would kill Emilio
if she wasn't there.
I got to talk to her.
I gotta tell her it's okay
to have two mommies.
One that loves her,
and one that's Daddy's sad
little consolation prize.
And that's when Louise
almost got on "Star Search".
[Laughs]
Wow, Doris, we have really taken
a stroll down memory lane.
But I would love to hear that story
- you started telling me earlier.
- Oh, that old thing?
I I don't think anyone's
really interested in that.
- Uh, I am.
- I could tell it,
but I don't think I could
do it as good as you.
Well, now that you've built it all up,
I don't think it could possibly
measure up to that hype.
Okay, um your father left me.
- You know, Elvis bought me a Coke once.
- W W Wait.
Mom, what are you talking about?
Dad left me for a woman
with both her original hips.
She also does Pilates,
which is kinda slutty.
- Well, w when did this happen?
- Last year.
Yeah, but we've been talking
on the phone, and you
you've been here for two days
and you've said nothing.
I I was going to tell you
when we were out on the road.
You mean in the RV you used to trick me
into thinking you were
supporting my music career?
I do support your career.
And now that Dad's gone,
I've got the time to show you.
No. This isn't about me.
It's about you.
And now that Dad's gone, you're lonely.
That's the only reason you're here.
Look, I know I handled this badly,
but I believe that you and I
You and I are nothing,
just like we always were.
Okay, why don't we take a breath?
I made a mistake.
Can't we move past it?
A mistake is, "Oops,
I spilled something on the rug,"
not "I'm disowning
my 18-year-old daughter
for wanting to play rock 'n' roll."
Here, let me return the favor.
Pack your stuff and get out.
Honey, I know you're upset,
but do you really want to
throw your mom out?
What, now you're taking her side?
No, I'm remembering how excited you were
when you thought you had her back.
You only get one mom.
I regret to inform you that that's her.
Wow, Dan. I'm speechless.
Maybe you go on tour together
for a few months and
and work everything out.
[Sighs]
Y You know what makes
your wife happy?
Keep it G-rated. Your mom's right there.
You.
And I want to spend as much
time as I can with you.
But you're right.
I'm gonna finish the tour.
But then it's you and me forever.
Oh, back off. You're so clingy.
And if you wanna drive me around
and cook for me on tour, fine.
But you're gonna have to
carry my amps, too.
Sure.
If you're good, I'm good.
- I'm good.
- Yeah.
Maybe when you come back for Christmas,
you could stay at the house.
It's usually a lot more festive,
but my daughter stole
all of my decorations,
which is weird,
because she's an atheist.
They don't want anybody to be happy.
Oh, uh, I thought you were at work.
Ah, Darlene, this is Doris,
Louise's mother.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What's in the box?
I brought you some
Christmas decorations.
[Imitating Joseph Welch]
Have you no shame, Senator?
Nah, not much.
That's the beauty of being an atheist.
I don't have to follow
your commandments.
I can lie, I can steal, I can
covet till the cows come home.
Merry Christmas and goodbye.
I think I know why you're a dog.
- You do?
- Yeah.
A dog can't wear a dress
and go to a wedding.
Are you upset about Daddy
getting married?
Kind of.
Are you afraid that Gabriela
is gonna replace Mommy?
- No.
- Are you sure?
Because Mommy had a big speech planned
about how no one can replace Mommy.
It's a great speech.
No.
Then why don't you want to
go to the wedding?
Because I heard you say you didn't
want to go to Daddy's wedding
- because it would make you sad.
- Oh, sweetie.
I didn't say that.
I didn't want to go
because I don't have a date.
But the most important thing is,
Daddy wants you to be there
on his special day.
- I'm not going unless you go.
- [Sighs]
This is why people take dogs
back to the shelter.
I'll go.
But you know what I want you
to whisper really loudly
when Gabriela walks down the aisle?
"You're so much prettier than her"?
I am raising you right!
Welcome to The Lunch Box.
We're having a special
today for the holidays.
It's a sandwich that we call
the Ho-Ho-Hoagie.
- Jackie?
- Yeah.
- I'm Doris. I'm Neville and Louise's mom.
- Oh. Okay.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
I don't know whether Dan told you,
but I'm going on tour with Louise,
and I thought when I'm done,
Neville might be interested
in going on a road trip to
see all the zoos in America.
Mm-hmm. Um
Don't you dare try and pull
that crap with me, honey,
'cause I have danced with
the devil in the pale moonlight.
You mess with my marriage, I end you.
So, uh you want me to
call you "Mom" or what?