The L Word s05e10 Episode Script

Previously on The L Word - Fuck! - This is beneath you.
It's really nice for once to be with someone who's a little bit uneducated.
Maybe you'd like to go out sometime? You mean like on a date? Yeah, like a date.
This one here's getting a lot of job offers.
Are you considering it? I'm actually really just having a good time being home.
Who was it? It's Tina.
We're going to go see the therapist together.
What's going on? Nothing.
Don't you dare do that to Jodi.
She already knows there's something wrong.
Are you going to tell her it's because of us? I'm in love with Tina.
What? Did you say something? Put this in an envelope, and give it to Niki.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Look, she doesn't have to know, okay? What? That was the most amazing letter that anyone has ever written to me, and it made me realize why I wanted to do this film My mother faced her illness with courage, but was still unable to defeat it.
Unfortunately, her story is all too familiar, especially to so many of you who are here.
So today, we ride in honor of our friends and loved ones who have succumbed to breast cancer, and our friends and loved ones who are survivors.
And by being here today, you're not only helping to raise awareness, but you're helping in the quest to find a cure.
You're helping to save lives! Now, get out there and have an amazing ride! Welcome to the 2008 subaru pink ride! I am kicking your ass.
Oh, please.
What? You think I can't take you? - No.
- Oh, great.
- Hey, Tash! - Tasha! Oh hey! What's going on? How are you? What's going on? Alice, this is T, and this is Nicole.
Papi and I used to, uh we used to play basketball with them before I went into the service.
Hey, the Coco girls put together a team.
Yeah? Who's that who's Coco? Oh, it's a gay club downtown.
Really? I thought I knew all the lezzie clubs.
Guess not.
It's mostly black.
It's kind of a different scene.
Oh.
It's good to see you, Tash.
Oh yeah, you too.
Coco girls going to give you a run for your money.
No doubt.
Hey, you come party with us later, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll come and find you guys.
All right, see you.
All right.
Was she, uh was she flirting with you? - You know.
Yeah.
- A little bit? Little bit? - A little bit.
- Thought so.
- Jealous? - No.
- Mmm? - Yeah.
What the fuck? Hi, Tina.
Niki, what are you doing here? I'm raising awareness for breast cancer.
Do you know that one in ten women are diagnosed You are supposed to be in L.
A.
Doing the cover for Rolling Stone magazine.
Tina, it's fine.
Adele rescheduled it.
Oh, you rescheduled it? Yeah, Jenny asked me to, but don't worry, Mario, the photographer I know who Mario is.
Mario's hot for Adele.
- No, he's not.
- Yeah, he is.
Jenny made Adele hot, and now Mario's totally hot for her.
Nobody's hot.
He's totally in love with you.
Adele.
Adele, are you gay? Shut up, okay? Whatever.
Fine.
It would have been good for Lez Girls if you had done it, all right, but you guys are not supposed to be seen together, okay? I promised your managers.
You're going to get me fired.
Tina, it's not like we're going to be having sex on the side of the road.
Here, look, I'll put these on, and no one will even recognize me.
- Excuse me.
Hi.
- All right? A-Are you Niki Stevens? Yeah.
- Can we have your autograph? - I quit.
- Oh, sure.
- I fucking quit.
- I quit.
- Here you go.
You look fabulous.
That's a good one.
Whoo! All right.
- Hey, girl - What? Mm-hm.
Why are you here? Well, I had this great pink shirt, and it said subaru on it already, so I figured I'd Molly, go home.
It's a free country.
I can support boobs if I want to.
Go boobs! See? So you, you flew all the way up here? Shane, Shane, she flew all the way up here to keep fighting with you, girl.
That's true love! That's true love Okay, I know it's slightly stalkerish, but if you listen to me Molly, I don't want to listen to you.
I really don't.
I'm the uneducated one, remember? Isn't that what you said to your mom? I'm uneducated.
No, no, listen to me.
I think those were your exact words, right? No, they were! I don't want to be your fucking loser fuck-buddy.
I really don't.
I don't want you to pity me, I don't want you to save me.
I don't want to be your teacher into the gay world.
I don't want any of it, so just, just go home.
Five, four three, two, one! Hey I need to tell you something.
What? You look really great in those pants.
Fuck you.
Fuck you! Bette? Yeah? I don't want Jodi to know about us.
She's going to find out eventually.
No, I mean, I don't want her to know that we were fooling around behind her back.
I mean, it's okay if she thinks that we talked about it, but I don't want her to think that we acted on it, you know, before the two of you broke up.
I don't want anybody to know.
Except for Kit.
Yeah, nobody needs to know.
That's fine.
She doesn't she doesn't need to know.
Pull out.
To your left.
Come on, Tasha! Hurry up, come on, come on, come on! Come on.
It's a ride, not a race.
Come on! All right, just go ahead.
How long do you think this will last for? I have no idea, but I am not dressed for this weather.
We love you, Niki! Ow! Does that ever bother you? No, most of the time it's funny.
Hmm.
So, um, how long have you and Jenny been friends for? A few years.
Where did you guys meet? Bette and Tina had a party a few years ago, and that's when Jenny first moved to L.
A.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we shot that scene.
- Yes, we did.
- Yes.
So, did you guys ever hook up? Who, me and Jenny? - Yeah.
- Fuck, no.
- Why not? - No.
My friends are always hooking up with each other, so No.
Not in this case.
- You know, she's really beautiful, - Yes, she is.
and you're not so bad yourself, so I'm surprised.
Well, I figure that, just because you can, it doesn't mean you should.
Hey, where have you been? Fuck.
My pussy is so numb.
- Uh-huh.
- Ow.
- What? What? - Listen Can you please do something about the stalker? I don't have to do anything about my stalker.
- Yes, you do.
- No.
She's been following you around for 30 miles.
Yeah? Well, that means I have 170 to go.
Are you going to come with? No.
I'll race you.
Fuck.
What? Next pit-stop.
If I win, you have to listen.
If you win, I'll go home.
All right, you're on.
- Go! - Shit! I'm sorry! Just give me another chance, please! I'm sorry, come on! Come on! No! I love you! What? Whoa, wait.
I won.
No, no, no, no.
What, you're in love with me? No, I just said that so you'd stop.
You cheated! Ow! So what? I still won! My ass is killing me.
Okay, I know I'm a disaster, but you have to listen to me because that was the bet.
Make it fast.
I don't know if I'm gay, I don't know if I'm straight, but I know that I want to be with you.
We had terrible sex.
No, it was great for me! You don't just get on a bike and know how to ride it.
Same with riding a girl.
So I freaked out, big deal! You've just been with so many girls, you don't remember your first time.
Well, guess what, it was my first time, and it was great, and it was better than with Richard, ad with guys, and with anybody, and I'm really into you, and I swear next time, I will so go down on you! Molly, Molly, Molly, you're making a scene.
Please Seriously, why do you want to be with me? Think about it, because you've been using me to get back at your mother the whole time.
I haven't.
I haven't been using you.
I've never flown to the pacific northwest to chase a girl I barely know, and I'm here, and I'm really crazy about you, and I need you to give me another chance, even if I'm awful in bed! I know that I'm still gay 101, but I'm a really fast learner, and before you know it, I'm going to be in advanced placement gay, and then graduate level gay, and fuck law school, I'll get my doctorate in fucking gay! Are you going to stop talking? Yes.
- You promise? - Uh-huh.
No more pink, though.
Oh! Ladies, look at this Wow So many, there's so many We love you, Dana, and we we miss you every day.
You're in our hearts, Dana.
I wish Angie was with us today.
She would love this.
Yeah, she would.
God isn't there, like, a hotel or something we could check into? Girl, and rent a car so we can drive the rest of the way? Hey.
Where have you been? I've been here for, like, two hours already.
- What? - Slowpoke.
What you been doing? Hanging out with T and Nicole.
Oh, yeah? - No? - No, I'm good.
No, we were just talking about old times.
They want us to hang out with them later if you want to.
I think you'd really like them.
I'd kind of like to hang out with everyone here.
I wouldn't feel right about leaving, But you should if you want.
- No, it's cool.
- Yep? We can just get up with them later in L.
A.
Should I lift it? Yeah, lift you have to - Hold - Okay, I'll hold it.
Ready? No, I got to put this in, hold on Oh, my god, look at this! - This is so fucking cool! - I love it.
- Hi, guys.
- I love it.
Merci, merci, merci.
I thought you might want your privacy.
What the fuck is this, the Taj Mahal? Oh, hey, Tina, no, no.
I had production make a product placement deal with North Face.
The only think that we need to do is take a picture of Niki in front of the tent.
- Hey, Niki, hi.
- Yep.
Will you pose for me? - Yeah.
- Okay, one, two, three.
Whoo! Beautiful.
No, this goes in here.
Yeah, I know.
It says you put tab B into slot J.
You're doing it wrong.
Look, I'm not an idiot.
I can just I can follow some simple instructions.
Look, and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't second-guess me.
Oh, christ Adele! Do you mind just closing the curtains for us, please? Sure.
What kind of bullshit tent is this? It was on sale at Costco.
And you expect me to have advanced placement lesbian sex in this shitty runt tent? Yeah, I do.
Awesome.
What the hell is that? Is that Jenny's tent? I think so.
My god, it looks like a condo.
Yeah, I don't think she got that on sale at Costco.
Come on.
What? Come on.
Oh, my god! Adele! We're being killed! Thank you.
It's so hard to do this by yourself.
I'm used to putting things together, but Bette wouldn't let me help her.
Yeah, she's kind of O.
C.
D.
Was she moody with you? Yeah, sometimes.
She can be moody.
Something's going on with her, but I don't know what it is.
Is Angelica okay? Yeah, she's fine.
Voila.
Thank you.
Have a good night.
- Oh, you faked us out? - Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hi.
God, do you ever stop working? No, not really.
So, what's your deal? Are you gay or what? Come on.
Um It depends.
Depends on what? It depends on who's asking.
I'm asking.
Are you seeing anyone? I'm single.
This is great, we should set you up.
Because that's what these rides are for.
I mean, curing cancer and one-night stands.
Totally.
I think that, uh I'd prefer to just focus on my work.
Come on, that's boring.
Okay, all right.
Okay, there's somebody that I have my eye on.
Who? It's a secret.
Adele! - Yeah.
- Okay, I'm being summoned.
Okay, bye.
I sure hope you know what you're doing.
I have it completely under control.
Don't worry about it.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Keep telling yourself that, baby girl.
Mm-hm.
Hey, you mind if I cut in? No, yeah.
Thank you.
So you talked to Molly.
Yeah.
What can I say, I'm a sucker for a pretty face.
And here I thought you were hard to get.
I'm not hard to get.
Not hard to get, just hard to keep.
I'm glad you and Jenny worked it all out.
Me too.
I totally love her.
Hey We made a campfire.
Mm.
Hey.
What are you thinking about? I was just I was thinking about how crazy it is to see old friends, you know? Yeah.
I mean, they were like a whole lifetime ago, and then it was all about the military.
Mm-hm.
And now, I don't know what the hell it's about.
You just need to give yourself time to adjust, you know? Figure things out.
Okay, what do you want to happen? With what? When? Like, in the future.
I mean, do you want kids? Do you want to stay in L.
A.
? I mean, what would be your ultimate career? God Um Just questions.
Just little questions.
Um I-I guess I guess I want kids, eventually, but not now.
I don't think, and, you know, I'm really excited about this TV show, if I get the job.
I really like it up there, you know? It's exciting.
Yeah.
Why? What do you want? I want to be with you.
Let's move in together.
Really? Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, let's do it.
Why not? This is serious stuff.
Don't you think? Mm-hm.
I'm not leaving you alone in the tent anymore.
We're supposed to be making s'mores.
Are you hungry at all? Yeah.
- Yeah? - Mm-hm.
Want to go? Somewhere else? You want to go? Yeah, I do.
Yeah, let's go.
Want to eat that? No, thank you.
Look at Kit's, they're black.
Yeah, totally.
They're, like, totally burned.
She's an expert at everything.
That's right.
That's too much chocolate! No, don't waste the chocolate! Oh, man, are you serious? I bribed the sag driver to give us a little privacy.
Because your runt tent sucks.
Hey, I tried.
I know.
It just didn't go very well.
Not hard enough, obviously.
Is that good? Yeah.
Any hot tips? Breathe through your mouth.
Really? - Really.
- Okay.
Here it is! You bought me a present? I'm going to document this moment.
Here we go.
It's a present for both of us.
What do you think? Um That's not the reaction that I wanted to elicit.
Jenny, it's a purple penis.
Yeah.
Fuck, yeah.
What am I supposed to do with this? I'm not a dude.
It's fun, and it's Have you ever used It's a fake dick.
Jenny, I'm not a man I know, but what's that? Are you going to strap me in with this fabulous western harness? Listen.
Do you like to fuck me? A lot.
So you're just going to fuck me with that.
Okay, then.
Give me the camera back.
I'm directing.
- What? - Yup.
I'm scared about your ideas.
We are going to make a movie.
We are? And this is my stage.
What do you want me to do? I want you first to take off your pants.
I cannot! No, Shane.
- No? - I'm so bad.
That does not get you the job That's much better.
I do.
Now take off your bra.
Me tres tres bien, non? You're so beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You forgot the stilettos, my love.
Oh, yeah the stilettos on.
Fuck! Yes! Very professional here.
There we go.
Now you look like a director.
Now I mean business, young lady.
Take off your pants.
That's the only way you're going to get your actors to listen to you.
And now, we go back to acting.
Give me this.
Okay.
You fogged my lens.
Now I have something for you.
It's just a jock.
There we go.
I feel like I'm about to giddyup.
Lube! No, Jenny What? Don't! What? Meep, meep.
Let's make it hard.
I feel like I have a tail.
I love you.
I love you so much.
How are you going to fuck me? Like a man.
Hard? So put yourself inside of me.
Okay.
And you have to tell me before, okay? Okay.
That's it.
I can't feel what I'm doing.
Yeah, there we go.
Is it in? Yeah.
Now just start fucking me.
- Don't need any lube.
- You're so wet.
I am so wet.
Does that feel good? Yeah.
Harder? Yeah.
I love you fucking me.
Oh, fuck I give you an A plus.
Thank you.
Will you come visit me when I go back to school? Maybe.
I don't like the cold, though.
I'll keep you warm.
Okay.
So, what is it, What kind of law is it that you're studying? I want to be a public defender.
It's not glamorous, and the money sucks, but I think the only way to really effect change is person-to-person.
So you want to defend the little guy? Somebody has to.
I would never expect that from you.
I'm full of surprises.
I bet you are.
Oh, fuck Okay.
What do you want me to do? I don't want to come yet.
I don't want to come yet.
Oh! This was fun.
Ghost story? Ghost story.
I want to tell a ghost story.
Okay, there's this guy, he's a regular guy.
He's a banker, or maybe he's a ad guy Doesn't matter.
Forget it.
He's stressed out, that's the important thing.
So he decides to get a cabin in the woods by himself for the weekend.
Why do people always do that? Especially when they know some crazy spooky shit's going to happen to them.
Okay, so he packs his SUV.
He brings things for work, like work stuff, and then he brings books, and he brings his dog, a golden retriever, and he starts driving up to the mountains.
When he's driving, he hears on the radio that an inmate has escaped from the local insane asylum That's such bullshit.
You're not telling a homicidal maniac escapes from the insane asylum story, you're not.
Just wait for it.
Just wait.
Okay.
So he hears this news, he doesn't care.
Whatever, he just wants to go relax.
He has a fantastic day at the cabin.
Does all sorts of adventurous things, and at night, he's exhausted.
So he passes out on the couch.
He's reading a book, he's gone.
In the middle of the night, he wakes up.
He hears this really weird sound, and it's just like, "drip "drip drip" He's too tired to get up and see what it is.
So he calls his dog over.
His dog licks his hand.
He feels better, he feels comfort, then he falls back to sleep.
A couple of hours later, he hears the same sound.
He wakes up, and he's like, "there's the dripping.
" Again.
Drip, drip, drip But he's still way too tired to get up.
Dog comes over, he licks his hand, he feels better, falls back asleep.
So that morning, the sun comes up.
It's very bright in the room.
He looks over.
He sees a giant pool of blood.
He starts screaming.
He looks up, his dog, the golden retriever, is impaled by the chandelier hanging from above.
The blood is gushing down, dripping.
There's the drip sounds.
He looks over, and there's a little note.
He picks it up.
It's written in blood, and it reads; "People can lick too.
" It's actually a true story.
My grandmother told us that story.
It's not real It's not scary.
That's so stupid! I could tell by the screams.
Whatever That's stupid.
I tried.
It seemed funny when I bought it.
Did you get those at the 99-cent store? And a few other specialty items.
Well, it took you long enough.
Made enough noise.
How old are we, 12? Guys, let's play a game.
- Yes.
- Let's play truth or dare.
Totally! Yes, yes, yes.
No - Truth or dare is so awesome.
- No always end up running around naked I got one, I got one.
How about we play "I never"? Oh, that is good.
Yeah, let's play that.
How do you play? You go around the circle, and you say a statement, "I never," like, uh "I've never eaten potato chips," okay, and then if you have, you drink, so it's the opposite.
But you do things less lame than "I ate a potato chip.
" Well, yeah, obviously.
Oh, shut up.
Okay, I'll go first, I'll go first.
Um I've never slept with a girl.
And now you drink.
So you drink when it's opposite.
Adele, I knew it.
You do sleep around with girls.
I do.
Girls, huh? What? I said maybe.
Okay, go, Adele.
Your turn.
I never lie about who I'm sleeping with.
Ooh You? Well, I did that one time.
Oh, Henry, yes.
Yeah, don't remind me.
Okay, come on, lezbos, Let's amp it up.
This is lame.
Fuck, yeah.
Yeah, they're getting boring.
All right, Tina, go.
Uh I've never had sex in a public place.
Uh, will somebody bring me a bucket? Okay, wait, wait, wait.
What constitutes public? Like a bathroom stall? Nothing with a door.
Like, not a bathroom, or at a party, or anything.
Really? In a car? Jenny, you go.
Okay, um I'm just gettin' drunk over here.
I see.
How about I've never been in love.
Aw You've never been in love? I don't think so.
I mean, maybe I have, but I'm not really sure what that is.
Okay, um, I never cheated on a girlfriend.
Who'd you cheat on? Michelle.
The one? Yeah.
I kissed another girl while I was going out with my first girlfriend.
That'll do it.
Kissing isn't like cheating-cheating.
- Yes, it is.
- What? - Kissing is cheating! - Well, uh, yeah.
Totally cheating.
Kissing? It totally is.
No.
I don't know.
Jodi's saying, "I think it depends on the agreement between the people in the relationship.
I don't want the world, making, you know, judgments on what I should do in my relationship.
But nobody likes to be fucked around, like, behind their back.
I don't know.
I don't think kissing counts.
It's not cheating, Nor do I think sleeping with someone.
Fucking? Well, you know, unless you sleep with a person - more than once.
- More than once? Oh, my, god, that's so stupid.
Not in my book, it's not.
No, no, I agree with Shane.
I mean, messing around is just messing around, right? I mean, you can still be loyal to someone in your heart, and I mean, what's the big deal? Right.
Wow, you guys have great morals.
Yeah I agree with Jodi.
I think that it depends on Your agreement as a couple.
So if you guys say that you're in a monogamous relationship, then you're in a monogamous relationship, and I think that if you're in an open relationship, then you're in an open relationship.
Like when you cheated on me with Claude? Jenny! Who's Claude? The French girl.
We were broken up.
What? I don't want to Anyways I don't know, I think sexual jealousy always weighs down a relationship.
That's because you're a ho.
I ain't a ho, bitch.
Kinda.
Don't you go projecting.
She's a ho.
So does that mean that I could sleep with any one of your friends, and you wouldn't care? Not if you came home to me afterward, no.
Really? Smile.
- No.
- Let me see.
Oh, my god, you guys are on crack.
I'm half kidding.
Like, fucking is cheating kissing is cheating, whether you do it 40 times or once, it's cheating.
I agree, yeah.
Word.
Crazy people.
Cheating! And thinking is cheating.
Oh, my god Thinking? What? Yes! If you're thinking about having sex with somebody besides your partner and flirting with them, that's intimacy that you're giving somebody else - Besides your partner.
- Oh, my god It's cheating! What? Thinking? What about, um okay, who here, put up your hand thinks that kissing's cheating.
No, I don't.
Well, if thinking's cheating, then kissing's definitely cheating.
Yeah, I think kissing's cheating.
Bette, what do you think? You didn't raise your hand.
I don't know, I just I think it's a trap to judge.
I mean, I think there are different situations, and you can't really Oh, my god, that is such a non-answer.
Bette'cause she was a big ol' cheater.
Alice Oh, give her a break, come on.
I'm not ju I'm not judging.
Who's got the next "I never?" Yeah, who's go the next one? Bette, come on, I mean, you cheat.
You were a giant cheater.
It's not- it was a phase.
I'm not saying you are now, but, like, you cheated on Tina, you cheated on me.
I mean you cheated.
There was a lot of cheating.
Right? You guys, come on! You saw it.
You were there.
She was a crackin', ba-boom, ginormous cheater.
Okay, leave me alone.
Sorry.
Were you? Are you cheating on me? Tina, where you going? Bette Oh, fuck Jodi! Jodi! Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuckin' nice, Bette.
What the fuck just happened? Did I s I was kidding.
Jodi Jodi Fuck.
Jodi She doesn't want to see you, Bette.
She wants you to go away.
Tina? What the fuck? What's going on? I don't want to talk about it.
Are you having an affair with Bette? Since when? Maybe a month.
- A month? - A month? Why didn't you tell me? Because you have a big mouth.
Shit.
Are you guys getting back together? I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know what the fuck we're doing.
Wow this is fucking crazy.
Crazy.
I never saw this coming.
Ever.
What the fuck What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know.
It just happened.
Shit like this don't just happen.
I mean, you don't wake up with somebody by accident.
- Did you forget? - Forget what? How terrible your relationship with Tina was? I mean, you were miserable! You hated each You hated each other.
Okay, maybe, I don't know, maybe the sex just totally made you lose your mind.
I don't know.
You know, you and Jodi had this wonderful shot, - you had something really healthy - No, we didn't.
- We never had a shot.
- and good together, and then you went and fucked it up! Jodi and I never had a shot.
We didn't.
It wasn't working.
I love Tina.
I've always loved Tina.
Aah And I know this turned out so badly, and I didn't mean it to happen this way.
I know that I'm going about it all wrong, but I'm doing it for the right reasons.
I was trying to do the right thing.
Yeah, well, you know, it sounds like you're doing what's right for Bette.
You know, it's what's right for Bette.
Jodi is going to be devastated.
She moved her whole life out here to be with Bette.
I'm not trying to guilt-trip you, T, I swear.
I didn't want it to happen this way, okay? I didn't even want to come on this trip.
I didn't want it to happen Are you in love with Bette? Again? I've always been in love with her, and I feel like an asshole that I'm doing this to Jodi, But I just want her back, and I'm scared, 'cause I know we're just going to, like probably fuck it up, but I have to do it, you know? I can't help it.
It's something that I can't help.
I want to be with her.
Okay.
You guys, you know you belong together.
Yup, you do.
You always have.
It's true.
I fucking hate women.
Yeah, well That's some fucked up shit, Tina.
Mm-hm.
Drama-rama.
It's so difficult.
Bette and Tina should have stayed together.
They should have had the courage to work it out, instead of just running away from each other like that.
Fuck Instead of wreaking all this fucking havoc.
Well, we came back to each other.
Yeah.
And that's all that matters.
Well, I'm in no position to judge.
Love makes people so insane.
Do you know that my friends think I'm out of my mind for falling in love with you? Well, they don't know us.
We're different, Jenny.
Do you think this is going to be one of those movie things, or do you think we're actually going to make it? We're going to make it and I'm going to love you forever.
I promise.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
They left already.
Jodi wanted to ride home alone.