The Nanny s05e10 Episode Script

It's so wrong.
Why, honey? I've been sitting next to the same guy for four years and I know he likes me but he won't make a move.
You've been waiting for some guy for four years? Well, that's nothing.
( laughter ) It's not pathetic? No ( laughter ) She is so in denial.
( laughter ) Oh, Miss Fine.
I've got to ask Mr.
Sheffield for some time off, so I'm giving him this tie.
Do you think he'll like it? Well, he ought to.
It's his.
( laughter ) Oh, for heaven's sake.
He won't remember his tie.
But I wonder if he should change out of his suit.
( laughter ) Niles, why don't you just walk yourself right in there and tell him you need some time off? Be honest.
Speak from the heart.
Tell him that you need some private time.
You work like a dog day and you know, don't use that, I'm going to say that when I go in there and ask for this weekend off.
This weekend? - Yeah.
- That's when I want off.
My butlers' glee club is having a big competition in Bermuda.
( laughter ) Well, I'm sorry but it's the big Fine family reunion in Niagara Falls and we have relatives coming in from all over.
Tel Aviv, Budapest, Boca Gables, Phase IV.
( laughter ) I didn't know you had any family left to fly in.
I thought they all lived in my kitchen.
( laughter ) Look, why don't we just let Mr.
Sheffield decide? That's fair.
Oh, why are we arguing? I can relinquish 3 days of the Wilson's butler pulling down his sock garters to show me his tan line.
( laughter ) Really? Well, that's very sweet of you.
Now, 'relinquish' means you're not going, right? Yes, yes, yes.
Ok, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, I've got work to do so you tape Bold and the Beautiful.
Of course ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) You have much to learn, young Jedi.
( laughter ) Sir, please let me have this weekend off.
My last vacation was two years ago, but it doesn't really count.
Miss Babcock showed up and then there was this tropical depression, mine.
( laughter ) But Mr.
Sheffield, you know I've gotta go to my family's reunion ( laughter ) Well, to be honest, Niles, I ( chuckles ) Stop.
I I did just give you a month off, already.
I was recovering from a heart attack.
( laughter ) Look, how you budget your vacation time is your business.
( laughter ) - I'll bring you back cigars.
- I'll send my mother to Cuba.
- I'll make you Baked Alaska.
- I'll send my mother to Alaska.
Well, in all fairness, Miss Fine, Niles did ask me first.
( Gasp ) He's wearing your suit.
Well, she's wearing Miss Grace's skirt.
( laughter ) And that's how I just won.
( laughter ) She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens, Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go She was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? The father finds her beguiling Watch out C.
C.
The kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran.
You know, the only reason he picked you is because I don't look good in heels.
What? I thought you looked great last Halloween when you went as Tootsie.
( laughter ) - Really? - Yeah.
I didn't think it came together You're just trying to suck up because you know I'm mad at you.
Niles, I got what I wanted not because of anything I said or the way I looked.
Oh, please ( imitating Fran's voice ) Oh, Mr.
Sheffield Do you mind if I dust your desk with my tuckus? ( laughter ) Well, if it isn't Priscilla Queen of the Dessert? You didn't mind me wearing the tube top to get you that Phantom Fury vacuum with the hepa filter, did you? I can only imagine how long it took you to find something skimpy.
There's a three second scavenger hunt.
( laughter ) Ho ho ho.
What a treat.
It's not often that you get to see a domestic squabble between actual domestics.
( laughs ) Hey.
I insulted you, now you're supposed to insult me back.
There's a rhythm to these things, man.
Do you realize that she gets everything she wants because she has Mr.
Sheffield wrapped around her little finger? Well, look who just popped his out of Maxwell's derrière to announce it's Spring.
( laughter ) What have I been saying for the past four years? You know, maybe we've been on opposite sides too long.
Well, I wouldn't mind getting back at Miss Fine.
And we are just the team to do it.
Alright.
From now on, it's you and me, Babcock.
Hehehe.
Oh, mm.
You know Niles, this the best cup of coffee you've ever made.
Well, in honor of our new alliance I must confess, this is the first time I've ever put it in a clean cup.
( laughter ) Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends I seen you around for a long long time, yeah I really remembered you when you drink my wine Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends I seen you walkin' down in Chinatown I called you but you could not look around Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends I bring my money to the welfare line I see you standing in it every time Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends Why can't we be friends.
First of all, Dr.
Miller, I just want to tell you that I think I'm about ready to graduate from therapy.
Yep, I really feel like I have grown and matured.
I've really come to like myself as a person.
So what's the problem? Everyone else hates me.
( laughter ) ( crying ) Tell me about it.
Well, it's Niles.
Mm.
Niles, the, uh, nosey butler? Yeah.
That's him.
He's got this crazy idea that I use my sexuality to get my way.
( laughter ) Do you feel you do that, Fran? No.
Dr.
Miller, you know me.
I mean, I don't do things like that.
( laughter ) Just look at your body language.
Dr.
Miller, do you think I'm trying to seduce you? ( laughter ) ( music ) Do you want me to put this in the dishwasher? No, sweetie, I'll do it.
( laughter ) Oh, listen are you coming with me to paint your pottery tonight? Of course.
The ceramic tissue box I made for your powder room is coming out of the kiln.
( laughter ) Okay, Scully and Mulder, care to explain this X-File? ( laughter ) Well, I'd better get back to the salt mine.
Later, C.
( laughter ) Oh, Niles, we gotta talk.
I just spent my entire session at Dr.
Miller's talking about you playing yo-yo with my feelings and pretending like I don't exist.
And that time could have been better spent talking about Mr.
Sheffield doing that.
( laughter ) I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, come on.
You're being mean to me, you're friends with Miss Babcock.
It's a world gone mad.
( laughter ) Next thing you know they'll be saying Barbara is marrying the guy from the Amco commercials.
Oh wait a minute, that is happening.
( laughter ) This is ridiculous.
Why don't you just invite Mr.
Sheffield and the children to go to Niagara Falls with you and your family? Oh, please, what horrible things did the man ever do to deserve that? Oh, you're slipping, Sadie.
Don't you want to get engaged? Keep talking.
Niagara Falls is the 'Honeymoon Capital' of the world.
wind up getting married on the spot.
It's magical, it's mystical.
Mr.
Sheffield won't be able to resist you.
- Really? - Absolutely.
Getting proposed to is like buying real estate.
Location, location, location! ( laughter ) Oh, Niles, you're a genius! Now we can both go away this weekend and I'm so happy we're friends again.
Oh, me too.
I don't know what I was doing in that unholy alliance with Babcock.
( laughter ) I know.
It was kind of like Yogi dumping Booboo for the Rangers.
( laughter ) Kids, I have such exciting news.
We're all going to Niagara Falls.
Your father and I are getting married! ( laughter ) Dad finally popped the question? No.
Not yet.
( laughter ) But Niagara Falls is the engagement capital of the world.
And dad's already agreed to go with you? No.
Not yet.
( laughter ) - This is so sad, - This is ridiculous.
We're going.
Just go pack and act surprised, would you? No, don't worry, Fran.
If it actually happens, we will be genuinely stunned.
( laughter ) I got your message.
- Ah, ma? - Oh, this is so exciting.
The last time I was at Niagara Falls was when Danny proposed to me.
Oh, I didn't know Danny asked you to marry him in Niagara Falls? That's so romantic.
Yeah, he had no intention of proposing at all.
He went to get me a bromo for my morning sickness.
( laughter ) The place cast a spell.
Have I never told you about the magic of the Falls? No, you were too busy teaching me how to suck the innards out of the chocolate covered cherries before they weighed the bag.
( laughter ) Meanwhile, has that not saved you hundreds of dollars over the years? ( laughter ) Oh, ma.
If the mystique of the Falls is true, this could be it.
I could be getting married right on the boat.
Cousin Cookie will play the spoons on her boobs, so there's the band.
And the whole family has already booked a hotel so we don't have to book put them up! Ooh! All you have to do is hang your bagel over the railing and the lobsters jump right onto it.
( laughter ) Oh, darling, this is the kind of wedding that mothers dream of.
Free! Alright.
Oh, if it isn't I Love Loosely.
( laughs ) Okay, it's your turn.
Toss out something really vile.
I would but I can't lift you.
( laughter ) ( laughs ) Oh, that one's about me! ( laughter ) What's the matter, bud? I thought you and me were a team.
It was what was and now it's over.
( laughter ) But we had plans.
I want to hear that little voice on my computer.
'You've Got Mail'.
( laughter ) Anyhow, ( laughter ) I was reading the paper, El Nino is coming to New York this weekend and you and the kids have got to get out of all that water.
I'll tell you what, you all could come to the Fine family reunion in Niagara Falls.
( laughter ) Or, I could eat a bowl of leeches and slowly bleed to death from the inside out.
( laughter ) Well, if you're on the fence about it, let me ask the kids.
( laughter ) Hey, what's up, Fran? ( laughter ) You wanna hear some exciting news for the first time? How would you like to go this weekend to Niagara Falls? Oh, that would be so cool! We could not be happier! I've waited for this glorious moment for five years! Overdoing it, honey.
( laughter ) Alright.
Alright.
I know when I'm outnumbered.
Seems we're going to Niagara Falls to the Fine family reunion.
Ahh! We're gonna have so much fun.
Just don't get freaked out, it can get pretty treacherous being thrown about, bounced off the handrails, spritzed in the face.
I'm quite comfortable on boats, Miss Fine.
No, I was talking about the buffet line.
( laughter ) ( music ) Here, darling, put this on.
No, ma, I'm not covering myself with that plastic.
Do you want Mr.
Sheffield to think that he's proposing to your couch? ( laughter ) Morty, I'm putting your hair in my pursue.
We're not going to lose another $600 like we did at Raging Waters.
( laughter ) You know, I proposed to my wife on this boat 30 years ago.
- Mm.
- And for 30 years she's been saying, 'Hey Ray, when are we going back to Niagara Falls?' I said, 'When you stop haunting me'.
And so, here we are.
( laughter ) You big pain in the ( horn ) ( laughter ) Excuse me, I hear that you're in the show-business.
Oh.
Well, I have an idea and people think it should be a play.
It takes place in Connecticut And? What? You're not bringing anything to the party? ( laughter ) Alright, Marylin, leave him alone.
Well, was she pitching you her dramatic story again? Pretty good, huh? Oh, look, look, Miss Fine, we're getting close to the Falls, let's go find the water go find the children.
There's Gracie over here, I'll get Grace come.
Hey, sweetheart, come and look at the f Argh! ( laughter ) That Miss Aunt Cookie.
Yeah, she's the one that plays the spoons on her Oh Yes, truly.
Ah, the maestro.
I enjoyed your rendition of "Wipeout.
" That was "Little Brown Junk.
" I played it too fast.
( laughter ) Where the devil is this boat going, Miss Fine? The Island of Dr.
Moreau? ( Horn ) Ah, Mr.
Sheffield, let's go to the bow of the boat, that's the best place to propose ah, I mean, uh, I propose that we go there.
( laughter ) Oh my God.
This is This is so magnificent.
Over 30 million served.
( laughter ) Come here, Miss Fine, you're missing all this.
What? ( laughter ) Isn't this is just the most the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
I can't hear you.
Oh, it's magical, it's just magical.
Oh, Miss Fine, will you marry me? What did you say? I said ( screams ) ( music ) So you're on the boat, you're approaching the Falls, did Mr.
Sheffield propose? Well, let's just put it this way: they're renaming the boat after me, Old Maid of the Mist.
( laughter ) Well, well, Fran.
You know what they say.
What, Val? No, really.
You know what they say, Fran.
You're far more the sophisticate than I.
( laughter ) Well, there's no mystique and there's no magic, just a bunch of propaganda to get you to buy idiotic souvenirs.
Oh wait a minute I got you something.
Ooh.
Look at this, Niagara Falls corn cob holders.
Oh.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
Look at the detail work.
( laughter ) You know, Val, put it away for something special.
( laughter ) - Oh.
- What happened to you? Oh, it's really quite dramatic, actually.
The Falls were so powerful, a freak wave came along and knocked me right off my feet.
Oh.
He does not remember anything about the entire trip.
All I can say is, thank God.
( laughter ) Well, I guess I had better put out the trash and start preparing dinner.
( laughter ) A butler's work is never done, eh? ( laughter ) Niles, don't you think that you should tell him? Well, if you like but he also thinks the butler's fooling around with the nanny.
( laughter ) Wait.
You've cleaned enough.
It's time to rest.
( Music ) Miss Fine, I'm most dreadfully sorry, I thank God I remembered who I was before anything happened.
( laughter ) ( applause ) ( plays the spoons ) ( laughing ) ( cheering )