The Neighborhood (2018) s05e10 Episode Script

1
So, Dad, how's it feel being retired?
I'm not retired,
I just don't work anymore.
Isn't that the definition of "retired"?
Sure, I sold the Pit Stop, all right,
but I got a lot of irons in the fire.
Mark Cuban sold his company.
Do you call him retired?
No, because he owns a basketball team.
Yeah, and, like, 60 other companies.
And like a fool,
I invested in smartasses.
Oh, that's funny.
You know, I just had a thought.
Oh, she's been thinking
about this for a while.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe, Calvin, I'm just thinking
maybe now is a good time for you and I
to go on a vacation.
Oh, so much planning
went into this moment.
Remember when we didn't
take a honeymoon,
and you said we will
when we have the money?
Well, now we have the money,
and you don't have to worry
about leaving the shop
- with someone else.
- Hmm.
- She got him.
- Mm-hmm.
So now would be a perfect time
for us to take that
honeymoon we never had
but always dreamed of.
Madrid.
- She thinking international?
- Yes.
Imagine long strolls
down cobblestone streets,
wine and tapas at sunset.
- I do like small plates.
- Right?
Yeah, and how about naps in hotel beds?
I do like hotel beds.
Well, let's do it.
Definitely.
Definitely. But not right now.
You know, I started cleaning
out the garage, and, you know,
that's a whole thing,
that's gonna take a while.
So, you know.
Come on, Calvin, we never travel.
We just went to San Diego.
We took a two-hour car ride
so you guys could go to that
miniature engineering museum.
You remember that tiny crane?
It was so cute. It was so cute.
Come on, babe, we just
can't leave the country.
What if something happened
to one of our kids?
Like what, they lose a tooth?
They're grown-ass men.
And that Pit Stop is not
your problem anymore.
You know, I have been waiting decades
just to have you all to myself, and
you know what, I am tired of waiting.
Okay, Tina
Hey, come on, Pop.
Mom supported your dream of
growing your business for 30 years.
Now it's your turn
to support her dreams.
But I hate traveling.
It's so expensive,
there's always so many people around,
and there's never anything
to eat but Sbarro's.
They always promise
other things are gonna be open,
but it's only Sbarro's.
Daddy.
You got to do it. While you still can.
How old do you think I am?
Ah, goodness.
Your mother was really excited
about this trip idea, though, huh?
Yeah, and I guarantee those tickets are
pulled up on her computer.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Tina, baby?
Let's go eat tiny portions of meat.
Oh, baby, mmm-mmm-mmm.
Thank you!
Okay, our flight leaves
at 2:45 on Wednesday,
or as they say in España, miércoles.
Dave.
Oh, he's gonna be mad that we're
playing a board game without him.
- Hey!
- Oh, hey, guys, listen.
We were thinking, with your dad
retiring and all, that maybe we would
You guys playing Scrabble without me?
You challenge every word, Dave.
It is my right, Malcolm.
Anyway, we thought it would be nice
if we got your dad a present as
a congrats for selling the shop.
What if we got him a fondue set?
Or is that too obvious?
Ooh What if we got them a Jacuzzi?
It could be waiting for them in
their backyard when they return.
Hmm, Dad's not too into
sitting idly in hot water.
I can hear him now.
"What am I, some kind of
food cart hot dog?"
You know, Pop did mention
he was cleaning out the garage.
We could finish that job for him.
Oh. Yes.
We could clean it out and set it up
as a space for him to work on his cars.
A secret reno for a worthy recipient.
How HGTV of us.
If I've said it once,
I've said it a hundred times:
checking a bag is never a good idea.
You've said it a hundred times.
You remember when we went to
Kansas City, and they lost my luggage?
I had to flip my drawers every day
for a week.
- Okay
- Babe,
are we visiting Spain or moving there?
Well, I need nine daytime looks
and eight nighttime looks.
You need to learn to pack like me.
Two pairs of shorts, three shirts,
and ten pairs of drawers for safety.
Next.
Oh, good.
Are you checking any bags today?
Well, uh, my wife is.
I know better than to be separated
from my belongings.
Yeah, here we go.
Ma'am,
your bag is three pounds over the limit.
Really, Ronnie? I mean,
what are you, the pound police?
That's literally my job.
Okay, fine, I'll just take some stuff
out of my bag
and put it in yours. Okay
She couldn't see this coming?
All right, then. Okay, all right, fine.
I'll just take a few things out of here.
Okay, oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
What?
They touched the floor!
Calvin, my underwear touched
the airport floor!
Babe, babe, you are literally
yelling about your underwear
at the airport.
- Oh, my God. Ugh!
- What are you doing?
- Tina
- Okay.
Tina Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Okay. All right.
Tina, Tina
calm-calm down, babe, okay?
- All right, I'm gonna calm down.
- Just think,
now, in 15 hours
you'll be sipping sangria
under string lights, okay?
- Yeah. I like string lights.
- Yes, yes.
Okay. Okay.
Here we go.
All right, um, you hold that, hold that.
Oh, yeah, sure. I'll take this.
Whew, look at that. Nice and light.
So light.
Two pounds over.
Damn it, Ronnie, I swear,
you not gonna
Ronnie think I'm playing.
Everything in here is junk.
Uh, I'm sorry, you're calling
both of these VHS tapes
of Mighty Joe Young junk?
You know, this is the part
of the home reno show
where they hire somebody to come in
and do all this work for them.
Oh, that's a great idea.
I can call one of those
junk removal companies.
You guys move all this junk
onto the driveway,
we can go get brunch,
and by the time we get back,
all this stuff will be gone.
Wait a minute.
Are y'all really that lazy?
I am.
Oh, Mr. Butler,
we're gonna have to ask you
to check your carry-on.
Well, thank you for asking,
but my answer is no.
The flight is overbooked.
There's no more room
in the overhead compartment.
Well, I'll-I'll just stick it
under my seat.
Babe, just give her the bag
so we can get to Madrid.
- Please.
- Thank you.
Yeah. Thank you.
Okay.
Go. It's about to be some
tapas up in here.
Oh, we're gonna need
you to check your bag.
Look at this beautiful
junk-free driveway.
You know, calling the trash people
while we got brunch was brilliant.
All we had to do was eat biscuits.
Some of us didn't see the biscuits
until all the biscuits were gone.
Oh, wow, it is actually huge in here.
Okay, now the best man caves
always have themes.
Now, what are we thinking?
Tiki bar? Sports memorabilia?
Oh, actually, you know
what's really cool?
Swords.
Or, or, instead of swords,
maybe it could be "garage-themed."
Uh, Dad, where is Mr. Calvin's smoker?
It's in the driveway,
where it always is.
No, it's not.
What?
The smoker's not here.
Maybe they moved it so they'd have
easier access to the trash.
No, it's gone.
Maybe they thought it was trash.
You did put those piles
kind of close to the smoker.
You watched us move it all, Marty.
You didn't say any of that.
Hey, man.
Marty, don't you think
you should have been
a little more clear?
Well, David, don't you think you
should have put the trash further away
from Dad's most prized possession?!
Don't put this on me!
Oh, no, that's Mama.
Don't answer it.
Oh, there's no way I'm answering that.
- Oh, it's a video call.
- Don't answer it!
I have to, it's Mommy.
No, Marty, don't
Hi, Mommy.
What, your brother's sending me
to voice mail now?
Oh, no, no, I meant to hit
the green button, Mama.
I-I just wanted y'all to see
that your father's
on a actual plane. Look.
Hey! Hey!
The Butlers are international, baby!
Hey, where are y'all?
Uh, nowhere.
Yeah, no, we was out
here playing pickleball.
Hello, Calvin.
Shh! You know what, y'all
should go on airplane mode.
Have a great flight.
He's gonna kill us.
Okay.
You know what, I'll just
I'll just put it right up
under my seat, like I said.
No problem.
Yeah, all right. Yeah. Okay.
We did it.
I am so excited.
I can almost taste the paella.
Excuse me. Sorry. Uh, I'm the window.
Oh. Okay.
You got it, amigo.
- Yes.
- There you go.
All right. Good?
Here we go. All right. Come, boy.
Oh, you have a dog.
Oh. Oh, okay.
All right, there
you go. Okay, all right.
Okay. All right.
Where the hell is this horse going?
You know, this is my seat.
My-my seat comes with space for my legs.
Your dog is in my leg space.
You don't like dogs?
I like dogs fine.
Well, you can pet him if you like.
I don't like.
You need to take your seats now
so we can have an on-time departure.
- Sherlock, sit.
- Calvin, sit.
I can't take my seat because,
as a human who paid for my seat,
I have nowhere to put my human legs
because Shaggy here
is traveling to Spain
with Scooby-Doo.
This man does not like dogs!
Dog-ophobe!
No, no, no, he loves dogs.
He cried at Marley & Me.
You know what?
Since y'all like dogs so much,
then somebody switch seats with me.
- Yeah.
- Huh? Yeah.
That's what I thought.
Sir, I need you to take your seat.
We can't push away from the gate
until you're in your seat.
Sit down!
Oh, no. Oh, you know what?
I'll sit down when the moose moves.
Uh-uh. That bag was tagged
to be gate-checked.
It's in the system.
Well, just untag it.
It doesn't work like that.
Once it's tagged, it's tagged for life.
We're going to have
to open up the doors again.
And that will cause a delay.
- Well
- Nice work, Karen!
I-I I am not a Karen.
You know what?
I need to see your manager.
I don't I don't feel safe right now.
It's already in the landfill?!
You're supposed to repurpose this stuff!
No, I will not hold for a survey!
Well, I guess we're buying
Calvin a new smoker.
The old one was getting
kind of gross anyway.
Uh, Gemma, Gemma, Gemma,
one does not simply
replace Dad's smoker.
Yeah, that thing had 20 years
of seasoning on it.
That's why the food tastes so good.
Even the broccoli he cooked
on there tasted like brisket.
It's gonna ruin his vacation
when he hears.
- What the hell is wrong with you, man?
- Whoa what the hell, Dave?
Okay, we are not telling him, okay?
They are probably having the
time of their lives right now.
Flight 2355 to Madrid.
We appreciate your patience
in deplaning.
This is on you, dog hater.
I love dogs, lady.
I also love Earth, Wind & Fire.
I just don't want 'em under my seat.
Due to the delay
our flight crew has gone over
their allotted hours.
We are currently looking for a new crew.
Oh, wait. No! No, no, no, don't leave!
Y-You can work a little longer, right?
I-I mean, come on. Doctors do
surgeries for over 19 hours.
Y'all can push a little drink cart.
We'd also like to welcome passengers
from the recently-canceled
Flight 510 to Madrid.
Due to our combining
these flights, we are oversold
and offering $2,000 to any
passengers willing to be bumped.
Did you hear that, baby? What?
$2,000.
You're not really thinking
of taking that, are you?
I mean, Tina, for that kind of money,
we can get out of this hellhole
and go to Pechanga Casino.
I mean, maybe this is the universe
- trying to tell us something.
- Yes.
It's the universe telling me
I'm never getting my honeymoon.
You know, I'm going to go get
a glass of wine at Sbarro.
And this is the same as Dad's?
Same model.
This is so clean.
Did you buy this from a vegan?
Okay, guys, we're never going
to be able to pass this off.
I agree.
So I think we should all band together
and blame Dave.
What? Dave?!
- Mm-hmm.
- Marty is the one who made the call.
Let's blame him.
- Okay.
- Girl!
Okay, you know what?
How about we pin it on Grover?
There's no way my dad's gonna
hit a little white boy.
- Yeah.
- No!
None of you are thinking straight!
If you had watched HGTV, you would know
that this is the moment
where all seems lost.
And then they get the
perfect renovation solution.
We're going to antique this bad boy.
Wait. Will that work?
Yes, it'll work.
Gemma, go get a hundred burgers.
Marty, get a buttload
of hickory chips. Malcolm,
we're going to need a baseball bat.
No one sleeps until
this smoker looks like crap
and smells fantastic!
Excuse me. Excu-Excuse me.
I knew it. I knew.
$2,000 was just gonna be too tempting.
- Hold on, baby. Just
- No, no, no. You know what?
I have had enough, okay?
Let's just go home.
This has been a complete disaster.
Tina, it has been.
But that's why
I upgraded us to first class,
where, I assume,
all the dogs are inside purses.
Really, babe?
Are you sure, Calvin? This is expensive.
Yeah, well,
the universe spoke to me again,
and it said,
"You only get one honeymoon."
Baby. Mmm.
Mmm. Oh, uh,
my man, there's not a purse
in the world big enough for you.
Yeah.
Aah!
Grease it up, boy!
Wow. We did a great job.
That thing looks terrible.
Now for the final test.
Grover?!
What does this asparagus taste like?
Ribs?
Mmm. Babe, you would think
that the tiny portions would
mean there's not enough food,
but I have never eaten so much
in my life.
Ooh. Is it too late
in the day for a siesta?
You know, you look beautiful
in that dress.
Oh. Mm. And I love you in that shirt.
And I look forward
to seeing it three more times.
You know,
I've always been worried about
working so hard.
I I never took the time
to enjoy the fruits of my labor.
But
traveling the world
with my beautiful wife,
drinking good wine and eating
cheese I can't pronounce
This.
This is what I want.
Well, this
and playing golf with Ice Cube.
Well, it took 30 years, but
I finally got my boyfriend back.
Mmm. Mwah.
Well, maybe I like
being retired after all.
Well, you're going to really
love being retired in Fiji
'cause that's where we're going next.
Hmm.
I like Fiji. Yeah?
'Cause we won't need
any underwear there.
Surprise!
Oh, my.
Well, all right!
Hey.
Yeah. We wanted to do something
to say congratulations
on selling the shop.
Yeah, congrats, Pop. Now you can
still work on your cars.
Yeah, and just not get paid for it.
Y'all did all of this
while we were gone?
There was a lot of junk in here.
Oh, girl, we know.
- Yeah.
- Well, I must say, I am impressed.
- Thank you. Thank you, guys.
- Well,
we're glad you like it, and,
of course, there's your smoker,
exactly where you thought it would be,
totally unchanged,
like nothing happened at all.
- Pull-pull it back, Dave.
- Easy. Easy, Dave.
Pull it back, pull it back.
Come-come on back.
Yeah.
Yeah. Well, there's my baby.
I'm sure gonna miss her.
What?
What's that now? Huh?
Yeah. I won't be needing
that old smoker anymore.
I'm into wood grilling now.
- Yeah. that's how they do it in Spain.
- Yes.
A la brasa es delicioso.
You know what?
I'll just call one of those junk
removal companies to haul it away.