The New Adventures of Old Christine s05e10 Episode Script

All right, sorry about this lunch, honey.
All I had was some ketchup packets and an English muffin.
But see if you can borrow yourself a piece of cheese and then you leave it out in the sun and make yourself a pizza.
Thanks, Mom.
Okay, bye, big boy.
Hey, what's going on? Where's everybody going? Oh, is there another parents' lunch I wasn't invited to? You know, who cares? I'm so over this place.
Oh, please let me come.
I'm starving! Christine, didn't you get the email blast? Yeah, a Code Purple meeting was just called for all seventh grade parents.
Oh, my God! Code Purple! What is Code Purple? Code Purple is one color away from red, which is total scholastic chaos.
When Will Smith's kids transferred out, that nightmare was only a code yellow.
Purple is serious business.
Do we know what it's about? Apparently there's a bully problem in the seventh grade.
A bully here? Oh, no, no, no.
He's gonna go after Ritchie.
Oh, yeah, he'll totally do that.
Oh, he'll totally God, Ritchie must've been too scared to tell me anything about it.
Poor kid.
Probably doesn't help that I give him home perms.
Do we know who this bully is? No, school isn't saying.
Westbridge policy is to keep things confidential, not single anyone out.
Oh, well, that's a bunch of crap.
God, I have a right to know who the bully is.
I pay a lot of money to this school.
Do you? Well, I'm in arrears, but I owe a lot of money to this school.
Who are they protecting? They should be naming names.
You know what? Screw that meeting.
I'm gonna go talk to Principal Nunley.
No Will Smith, no free lunch, and now a bully? This place really chaps my ass! "The New Adventures of Old Christine" Episode 10 " Old Christine Meets Young Frankenstein" Principal Nunley, I am shocked and outraged.
Yes, Ms.
Campbell, you usually are.
I heard that there is a bully problem in the seventh grade.
There should be zero tolerance for bullies at this school.
Do you hear me? Yes, I hear you, Ms.
Campbell.
Everybody hears you, but next time I wish you'd warn me before you come in so I could turn off the PA system.
Okay, uh, let me tell you something.
My poor son is probably walking these halls right now frightened and intimidated.
And you should be naming names, and bringing expulsions and filing criminal charges, but what are you doing? You're calling some sort of a purple assembly.
Well, shame on you, Principal Nunley.
Shame! On! You! Your son is the bully, Ms.
Campbell.
Well, you gotta let 'em be kids.
That's what I always say.
Ritchie has been intimidating a student in the boys' bathroom.
Wh-What did Ritchie do? Well, apparently he's been taking a student's lunch money.
Oh, well, he's probably just hungry.
I know I am.
There's no food in our house.
When a child bullies, it's usually a sign that they're feeling powerless in some other area of their lives.
Is there is there anything going on at home that could be making him act out? Well, I I'm still divorced from his dad, who's having a baby with his ex-fianc, and I think I'm in love with my shrink, who's my brother's mentor.
So, no, no.
Everything's pretty much normal.
Oh, dude, I just joined Facebook.
I love it.
I've been on it for two days and I already have four friends.
Hey, by the way, you still haven't confirmed my friend request.
Oh, yeah, look at that.
I'll do it right now.
Beep.
There you go.
Confirmed.
Oh, good.
Hey, look, a buddy of mine is Facebook friends with my ex-girlfriend, Lucy.
I wonder how she is.
I'm going to friend-request her.
Oh, ask her if she'll be my friend, too.
Absolutely.
: Bing-bong.
Done.
Thanks.
Did you get Ritchie from school? Yeah, he's upstairs.
What's wrong with you? I just found out that Ritchie's school has a bully problem.
Of course he's being bullied.
He still wears footie pajamas.
It doesn't help he's addicted to cherry ChapStick.
He's got a big red target right on his lips.
Christine, I want that bully's name and I want his address.
Or her.
Let's be honest: it could be anyone.
No, it's not like that.
Ritchie is the bully.
No, guys, I'm not kidding.
Really, he's been taking some kid's lunch money.
That doesn't make any sense.
Ritchie? Our little Ritchie? Our Ritchie.
No, I don't believe it.
He smells like pear blossoms.
He still cries in photos with mall Santas.
He's still in photos with mall Santas.
Oh, I feel like this is all my fault.
Of course it is.
You bathe him in the sink.
That was one time! I was trying to make beer in the bathtub.
No, I feel like this is my fault because, believe it or not, I used to be a bully, too.
Believe it or not? Used to be? Okay, both of you shut your mouths right now, or I will shut them for you! Ugh, this is serious.
I'm upset about this.
I'm afraid he got this from me.
You know, it all started for me when I was about his age.
There was this girl in my class named Frances Stein.
And she was so weird-looking.
She had this square-shaped hd.
And she was so pale she was, like, almost green.
Anyway, so then I came up with this clever nickname for her.
Frankenstein? Did I tell you this story? No, her name was Frances Stein and she looked green.
What else are you going to call her? Anyway, I'm embarrassed about it now because I made this poor girl's life miserable.
You know, I mean, I still feel guilty about it, even ten years later.
Try again.
Well, 20 years later.
Try again.
Shut your mouth, or I will shut it for you! You know what? Ritchie! Hey, Ritchie, can you come down here for a minute? You know what.
We're going to handle this right now.
Hey, guys.
Gosh, there is no moisture in the air.
My lips are a mess.
Okay, Ritchie, listen.
I had a meeting today with Principal Nunley and she told me something very upsetting.
She said that you were bullying a classmate.
Can you believe it? It's a boy, too.
Okay, well, that is nothing to be proud of.
And that is no way to get what you want or to be popular.
I speak from experience, honey, because when I was your age, I bullied a girl in my class, too.
You did? Yeah! And I feel really bad about it to this day.
Which means that you are gonna stop this.
Tomorrow you're gonna go in and you're gonna apologize to that kid.
Did you ever apologize to the girl you bullied? Uh, no, but you know, she moved away and, you know, I have no way of finding out where she is now.
Just found her on Facebook.
Still has the same last name.
Now you can apologize, too.
You know what? This isn't about me.
This is about Ritchie.
And, I mean, it was years ago.
I mean, I have no idea where she lives.
Just found her house on Google Maps.
Okay, but I don't know how to get there.
According to MapQuest, it's 8.
6 miles.
I don't understand why I have to apologize if you don't have to.
Yeah, why does he have to apologize if you don't have to? Yeah, why does he? I'm serious.
You are both dead meat.
Oh, my God, Lucy.
Hi, Matthew.
I got your message on Facebook and I was just passing through the neighborhood, so, I thought I'd stop by.
Why are you wearing a wedding dress? Oh, laundry day.
It's the only clean thing I could find in my closet.
Really? No! I'm getting married in two hours.
Wow, you are? Well, congratulations.
That's funny that your only status update on Facebook was that you had become a fan of Big Bang Theory.
Uh, do you want to come in? Uh, yeah, I got some time to kill.
You know how boring it can be waiting for the guests to arrive.
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
I think I might have the wrong house.
Did a really, really unattractive woman used to live here? I can't believe it.
Christine Kimble.
Frances? Is that you? No It can't be you.
I mean, look at you.
You're adorable.
You seem surprised.
Yeah, well, I mean, you know, the last time I saw you, you had kind of a, you know, uh and a green tint, you know, to and kind of like a Hence the name Frankenstein.
Oh, yeah, you remember that? Yeah, well, the joke's on me because you look great.
Well, 13 years of intensive therapy.
So much plastic surgery that my dog doesn't even recognize me.
He bites me every time I walk into the house.
Why are you here? Actually, I was trying to teach a lesson to my kid.
So, um, I came here to apologize for the way that I treated you.
So, what do you say? Do you, do you forgive me? Gosh.
You ask me if I can forget, I'd have to say no.
But can I forgive? I'd have to say no.
What do you mean no? Do you have any idea how hard this was for me to do? Do you have any idea how hard it was to have the entire shape of my head changed? I had to wear a helmet for six years.
Well, I mean, but your head is totally round now.
So, I'd say it was worth it.
You made my life a living hell.
You made me believe that I was Frankenstein.
I didn't date.
I didn't go out in public.
I was afraid of fire and angry villagers with torches.
Where did you live? Irvine.
I'm trying to help my son, okay? He's bullying kids at school.
Oh, that's a shock.
Hey, you know what? Now you're just being ungenerous.
Hmm.
Yeah.
I mean, think about it.
If it wasn't for me calling you Frankenstein, you wouldn't be where you are today.
I mean, you're beautiful.
You're-you're obviously rich.
You're doing way better than me.
You have a-a foyer, and you have a powder room there, and Oh, is that a bar? Oh, can I come in? I don't think you're understanding me, okay? You can't come in.
I don't forgive you.
Your kid sounds awful, and you smell poor.
Yeah, I am poor, okay? And I don't know what you're so angry about.
You know, I made you.
I'm Dr.
Frankenstein to your Frankenstein.
So, yeah, you should thank me.
My gosh, you're absolutely right.
What was I thinking? Oh, I know.
Sorry I'm late, Barb.
You won't believe this.
Frankenstein won't accept my apology.
Maybe it's because you called her Frankenstein.
I want her to know that I'm not a bad person.
I was going through some of my own stuff at the time, too.
I was getting teased.
I was the vice president of the Itty-Bitty Booby Committee.
Not even the president.
It's all ancient history.
I had a nickname, too.
They used to call me Barbie Doll 'cause I was beautiful and buxom.
Did I let that bother me? No.
It was the best time of my life.
Your stories never help me, Barb.
God, I need a character witness.
Would you go over there and vouch for me? I will not.
Oh, please.
Please! Just tell Frances how much nicer I am now than I was in junior high.
I didn't know you in junior high.
I was mean and boy-crazy.
You're mean and bocrazy now.
Barb, do this for me, or else.
Or else what? Don't try to bully me.
I'll knock your ass back to junior high school.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
If you're selling religion, I'm going to have to stop you.
We're Jewish.
Oh, no, no, I'm not selling anything.
I'm a friend of Christine Kimble.
She asked me to come over here and have a little talk.
She did? Yeah.
She's very upset that you won't forgive her, and as her business associate, I hate to see her upset.
You know what I'm saying? Yes, ma'am.
You're being very clear.
I mean, it happened such a long time ago.
You're both grown women.
I think it's time for you to move on.
If you say so.
You seem so uptight.
Why are you so nervous? I guess I'm just high-strung, but I can be whatever you want me to be.
What I want you to be? I want you to make nice.
You think you'll be able to do that? Lady, you must calm down, or you're going to end up in the hospital.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
I know what you're saying.
I don't want to end up in the hospital.
Please, just tell Christine that it's over and that I accept her apology, okay? Okay, you mean that? Because I don't want to have to come back here.
You don't have to come back here.
Just please forget where I live.
Hey, what's that I hear? Hmm.
Oh, you got kids? Oh, please, just go.
They've done nothing.
Stay in the house! All right, I don't need to see your kids.
Oh, you got a little dog.
Come here, little dog.
No! So, we're good? Yeah, uh, I'm not engaged, but uh, I've been pretty busy, too.
Um I saw Transformers.
I-I I tried pepperoncini for the first time.
That's amazing.
I've been eating pepperoncinis for years.
They're hotter than you think.
Oh, and speaking of that, Lucy, uh, what the hell are you doing here? I don't know.
When I got your friend request, I thought maybe it was a sign that you were thinking about me as much as I think about you.
Oh, you think about me? All the time.
Well, not all the time.
Obviously, there was some down time when this happened.
Yeah, yeah.
About that.
I mean, shouldn't you get to your wedding? Oh, probably.
I'm already 15 minutes late, but they can't start without the bride.
Is that what you want me to do, Matthew? Go to my wedding? Well, uh, you're certainly dressed for it.
All right, fine, if you want me to get married, I guess I'll just go get married.
Wait, wait, wait.
Are you Are you mad at me? No, just forget it, Matthew.
But just tell me one thing.
If you can honestly say that you are completely over me, I will walk out this door, and you will never see me again.
I'm completely over you.
Excuse me.
What time do you close? Uh, pretty soon.
I'm getting kind of hungry, and I own this place, so Oh.
Um, where could I find a fresh towel? At a good gym.
CHRISTINE: Frances.
Oh, my God, you're here! Yeah.
Christine, I want to talk to you.
Oh, did Barb go and see you? Did she clear everything up? Uh, yes, she did, and I get the message.
And whatever happened, it's all in the past, and I 100% completely accept your apology.
Oh, Frances, I am so happy to hear you say that.
And I also want to apologize for being so rude to you when you came to my house earlier.
Okay? I won't ever step out of line again, so, please just call off your goons.
Goons? Yeah, your associate, Barb.
Why would you think that Barb is a goon? She's buxom and beautiful.
Well, she threatened me.
She threatened my children.
She threatened my dog.
She said she was going to put me in the hospital.
Oh, I don't believe that.
Let me just lock the door so no one can disturb us.
Well, I think you should know that there are people who know that I'm here.
No.
Frances, I just want to talk to you.
I'll scream.
Go ahead.
The neighbors are used to it.
I scream all the time.
Oh, God.
Frances, what is wrong with you? Why are you making everything so difficult? God.
Frances, I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm going to have to find a way to make you listen.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb.
We have a problem here.
Yeah, we have a problem.
You closed the gym at 3:00 in the afternoon.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, it's a bigger problem.
Um, Frankenstein came here, and she wouldn't listen, and she wanted to leave, but I couldn't let her leave until she listened, and-and I-I did something bad.
How bad? That's bad.
How the hell did this happen? She said that I was a bad person.
You are a bad person.
You've kidnapped her.
What are we going to do? I know a guy out in the desert who makes problems go away.
We'll need a car with a clean registration and a shovel.
We'll have to go off the grid for a while.
Cross over into Mexico and dye our hair.
Oh, forget it.
I'm not dyeing my hair.
Really? That's the part you don't want to do? I love my hair, okay? And if you would just accept my apology, none of this would have happened.
Fine.
I forgive you.
You're a lovely person.
See? You know what? I can tell that you really don't mean that.
God, Frances, you keep making me do things I hate myself for.
You should hate yourself.
You're a horrible, horrible human being.
You're a bully and possibly sociopathic.
You know, I was finally free of you.
I finally left that awkward seventh grade girl behind on a plastic surgeon's table, and then you come back here, and you stir it all up again just so you can feel better.
Well, you know what? I don't want you to feel better.
How can you say that? Untie her.
How can you say that? Because she's right.
You don't get to go back 60 years after junior high school and right your wrongs.
Look what you did.
She's a wreck.
You do owe her an apology, but she doesn't have to take it.
Oh, fine.
I'll untie you.
But you know, just so you know, I really did feel bad about the way I treated you in-in seventh grade, and and now, today.
But Barb is right.
You don't have to forgive me.
You know, Christine, I can see how much this upsets you and how much my apology would mean to you.
And I want you to know that there will come a day when I will never, ever forgive you.
So die with that.
We're sorry this happened.
Christine won't bother you anymore.
She's really not a bad person.
If you say anything to anyone about this, just remember, I know where Your'e little dog lives.