The Simple Life (2003) s05e10 Episode Script

NARRA TOR: Tonight on the season finale of The Simple Life.
Paris and Hunter finally hook up.
But there's plenty of camp drama to come first.
Camp Shawnee.
Oh, this will be fun.
NARRA TOR: Previously on The Simple Life.
Oscar-nominated Sally Kirkland comes to Camp Shawnee.
By the end of the week, we'll put on Richard lll.
I want you to direct this play.
Take this really seriously, okay? -Do you really want to do this play? -ALL: No.
NARRA TOR: But when the girls ditched Shakespeare for their own idea, Paris and Nicole, the Musical, Sally goes off the deep end.
I'm so insulted.
I'm so (BLEEP) insulted.
Do you know what? Why don't I just quit? I mean, you are just so absolutely insulting.
(BLEEP) Let's take two girls, both filthy rich From the bright lights to the wilderness From way uptown to an old campground Will they survive the simple life? Let's take away their limousines Their credit cards and shopping sprees Well, they're both spoilt rotten Will they cry when they hit bottom? Hea ven knows if they'll survive This simple campers kind of life PARlS: Where the hell are we? SALLY: I am so insulted.
Why don't I just go home? Just pretend this is you.
Pretend that I'm throwing all of this at you.
This is you, Paris.
(BLEEP) damn it.
I don't know, man.
I think I'm having heart palpitations now.
You know, I'm not 20 years old.
-NlCOLE: Guess what.
-What? -You have a part in the play.
-I don't want a part in your play.
You get to play my dad.
You want me to play your father? L-Train.
NlCOLE: We'd have to get you an afro.
Okay, father Lord God, we ask this now, for the light of the holy spirit to surround, protect and fill Paris and Nicole, for their highest good, my highest good, and the highest good of all concerned.
Okay, okay, God just told me to forgive you.
I love you, Paris.
I love you, Nicole.
Okay, when do we rehearse? -That was so scary.
-Tears got, like, all over my face.
I thought she was, like, gonna throw a can at my face.
I thought she was gonna beat me.
-That was so scary.
-So scary.
PARlS: Oh, my God! NARRA TOR: With the drama over, it's back to business as usual at Camp Shawnee.
They've been working on the railroad NlCOLE: Good morning, Camp Shawnee.
It's time to get out of bed.
The forecast is going to be sunny skies.
(WHOOPS) And, news flash, Ed saw his crack last night.
On that note, ha ve a positive great morning.
(BURPS) NARRA TOR: It's been a summer of near misses, romantically, for Paris and Hunter, but camp's not over yet.
-I like your outfit.
-I like your outfit.
Yeah, you know? Same, day in, day out.
Same thing, right? You like Tink's outfit? She wore blue.
Polka dots are definitely Tink.
Definitely, absolutely.
I've really grown attached to Tinks.
She likes you.
She usually bites people.
-She likes people who are sweet.
-Wow! Thank you.
This sucks.
All the mornings we come out here and, you know, raise the flag, and this is the last time.
-Are you gonna miss me? -Maybe just a little.
-Are you gonna miss me? -No.
(LAUGHS) Just kidding.
So we're gonna start the yoga.
I'm gonna do a little chant that's very simple, okay? -ALL: Om.
-Om.
NARRA TOR: While Sally shares a Zen moment with the campers, Paris and Nicole prep for their big camp finale -Hey, Joey.
-and decide they could use a hand.
-Will you help us with something? -What do you need? NlCOLE: We want you to be the casting director for this play that we're gonna do, -so will you just sit on this couch? -JOE: Okay.
Have you ever heard of the casting couch in Hollywood? -No, never.
-NlCOLE: Well, now you're the head of it.
You can have anyone do anything to get a role.
You can ask for a foot massage, a head massage, a shoulder massage, anything.
A butt massage.
Tea-bagging.
(LAUGHlNG) -JOE: What's up? -How's it going? NlCOLE: Joey here is the casting director.
Sing, you know, my parts.
-Sing your parts? Okay.
-PARlS: Yeah.
There's something about you You're not impressed by glitz Or maybe I like you 'cause you laugh when I say (BLEEP) Thank you.
What would you do to get this part? I'd go the distance.
-Do you like riding bikes? -Love riding bikes.
He's in.
I'm starting to feel we'll be friends forever NlCOLE: Perfect.
PARlS: Very beautiful.
-You want to sit on the casting couch? -Of course.
-This is the casting director, Joey.
-Oh, hey.
-All right.
-All right.
-You can go now.
-Okay, great.
We thought the perfect part for you would be the cow.
The cow? (SCREAMlNG) There has to be an inner cow in you.
An inner singing cow.
I was minding my own business Just eating hay and grass Nah.
When what do you know? With a hidey-hidey-ho I felt something up my ass I felt something up my ass With a hidey-hidey-ho And I felt something up my ass -Nice.
-Thanks.
NlCOLE: We were thinking, because of the resemblance, maybe you guys could play our dogs.
You're Tinkerbell.
You're Foxy.
Hi, Joey, I'd really love to play the cow.
And I'd really love to have a hand stuck up my butt.
I mean, you know, sing about having a hand stuck up my butt.
-That's a bit freaky, but okay.
-Okay.
NARRA TOR: lmpressed with their campers ' auditions, Paris, Nicole and their casting director, Joey, ha ve to make some hard choices on how to cast their big show.
Well, everyone, this is the list.
I hope that you guys got the part that you wanted.
Study your lines.
Paparazzi? -WOMAN: Wow! I got young Paris.
-I got the cow! -You're my Nicole.
-I get to be Nicole.
-Well, they're excited.
-Yeah.
-Good night, Billy.
-Good night, Silly.
MAN: Good night, everybody.
ALL: Good night.
NARRA TOR: With the show set for tonight, the drama campers have a busy day.
And they're starting off with some self-promotion.
HUNTER: That looks good.
Do as Paris and Nicole would do it.
Yeah.
She's gonna get it on that "No Trespassing" sign.
(GUN FlRlNG) -This is so gonna be worth it.
-This is gonna get so many people there.
WOMAN: It will.
All right, everybody.
Let's get on the stage.
Rehearsal.
The show starts in a couple of hours.
We need to be ready.
I want to see the Manhattan scene.
(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG) ALL: (SHOUTlNG) Nicole! Paris! -Hey, Nicole.
-Hello, Paris.
PARlS: You're sad and lonely.
-It's just not fair -It's just not fair -That our fates let two girls -That our fates let two girls -Who can 't -Who can 't remember how it was that It even began Get your lines, Hunty.
-You have great voices, guys.
-Thank you.
-Even though I still suck.
-No, you were good.
Nicole, how do I look? You actually look really good, but you're missing one thing.
Okay.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
NlCOLE: Stick it in the pants.
It looks too small.
-Will you stick this in your pants? -Yeah.
-Listen, my dad was a pimp.
-He was? -Yeah.
Perfect.
-Okay.
Okay.
MATTHEW: We got a play tonight.
HUNTER: Yeah, we got a play.
And I completely, like, screw up my lines when Paris gets up there.
It's just freaking stupid.
Well, you know, girls can make guys nervous.
-And, you know, if you got a little crush -You put a little blonde-haired, blue-eyed, you know, bombshell in front of me and then it all goes (BLEEP).
-MATTHEW: Oh, hey, what's up? -Hi, guys.
-We have your costumes.
-HUNTER: Oh, son of a bitch.
MATTHEW: Wow! -This is on my head? -This goes on your head.
On my head or, like, around my neck? -How do you put one of these on? -Wow! And it's got a leash.
You dress Tinkerbell like this at all? PARlS: Yeah, you're gonna look so sexy.
Trust me.
This is just mean.
All right, so you guys get dressed, and we'll be back in about five minutes.
And if you need me to walk you before the play, you know, in case MATTHEW: In case I have to tinkle or something? Exactly.
PARlS: It's like a brown dog.
MATTHEW: That's nice of you.
-Bye, Tinkerbell.
-HUNTER: Bye, Paris.
-Bye, Foxy.
-MATTHEW: Bye, Nicole.
This is ridiculous.
JOE: Aquafina, Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, candy, authentic mustaches and toiletries.
Who wants candy? All right, you guys, can we get together and say a prayer for tonight? We are going to make magic.
Paris and Nicole, you guys look the best out of everybody.
No offense.
Sorry, but it happens.
Let's have a great show.
Paris and Nicole.
ALL: Paris and Nicole.
NARRA TOR: After a week of drama, Camp Shawnee hosts the world premiere ofParis and Nicole, the Musical.
Hey, everybody.
Thanks for all coming tonight to our show.
I know, you thought you were supposed to be seeing Richard lll.
But we actually did something that's much more interesting, much more exciting.
One historical figure is not as great as two historical figures.
So we decided to do a musical about Paris and myself.
I hope that you guys enjoy the show.
(ALL CHEERlNG) Wow, this book has everything about us in it.
Wow, this book has everything about us in it.
It goes all the way back to when we were kids when we first met in Bel-Air.
It just seems like yesterday.
Hi, I'm the singer, songwriter Lionel Richie.
-I'm Kathy Hilton.
-Wealthy woman of leisure.
Yes, you know what would be a funny story? -What? -lf our kids met today And became best friends? -Nicole! -Paris! -Hi.
-Hey, baby girl.
-There's something about you.
-Weird.
I was going to say the same thing.
(LAUGHS) I like your hair, I like your shoes I like your brand new Benz I like to say, "That's hot!" Me, too What a funny coincidence -I look forward to a lifetime -I look forward to a lifetime -Of being your BFF -Of being your BFF (AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG) PARlS: And we've been best friends ever since.
Check it out, here's us living on a farm in Arkansas.
Remember? How could I forget? Let's close the thing.
Remember when you kissed that guy with the giant teeth? I don't even know what was grosser, that, or when you put your arm up the cow's butt.
That was pretty gross.
You know, I wonder whatever happened to that cow? I was minding my own business Just eating hay and grass When what do you know? With a hidey-hidey-ho I felt something up my ass Up my ass (MOOlNG) (WHOOPlNG) All these crazy places that we've been really changed our lives.
-Remember that big fight we were in? -I don't even want to think about it.
Hey, I wonder what Foxy and Tinkerbell thought of it? If only people knew that doggie style refers to friendship once in a while I can 't stand to say goodbye Oh, this fight I want to defy Friend, I miss you I cannot lie My four-legged friend (ALL CHEERlNG) Thank God we're friends again.
-I know.
-I'm glad we're back.
Me too, Sill.
-I love you, Bill.
-I love you.
Hey, Nicole, there's Big Ed and his family.
ED: Hey, girls.
How are you doing? NlCOLE: Hi, guys.
PARlS: Why is there only three of you? Oh, there you are.
(SlGHS) Oh, I need you down there again.
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG) Oh, and look, Paris, all these cool campers we had in drama camp, remember them? -Of course.
-ALL: Hi, Paris.
Hi, Nicole.
Nicole, I'm in such a good mood right now.
-Do you know what I feel like doing? -I know.
Summertime, summertime, summertime Summertime, summertime Summer, sum-sum, summer-sum Summertime! Thank you! NlCOLE: All right, you guys.
Come here.
Come here, my fellow actors.
It was so nice working with you.
You guys are really great actors.
NARRA TOR: With the Camp Shawnee show a big success, Sally has to move on to her next drama camp.
But she won 't get away without one last big thank you.
I think that you're an amazing actress, and I learned a lot from you this week.
I'm happy that we met.
I think you've been gifted with something that very few people in the world have been given.
And it's the kind of charisma that effects the whole world, and it's magnetic beauty, but you also have inner beauty.
-I love you.
-I love you, too.
-Thanks for coming to our camp.
-Thanks for having me in your world.
NARRA TOR: As the last group of campers pack up, Hunter sets up his final plan to win Paris ' heart.
I need you guys to do me a huge favor.
I need you to come out to the camp this afternoon and set up.
It'll be a huge help, dude, seriously.
Later.
-DEMARlE: Bye.
-All right, you guys.
I'm so happy to have come here.
I love camp, I love acting.
I think I got it.
Musical theater is what I love to do, and this is what I can do, and this is what I was meant to do.
HUNTER: Bye, guys.
Knock 'em dead.
Break a leg.
NARRA TOR: While the girls prepare to break camp and head home -What's up, fellows? -Hunter gratefully welcomes his friend's band, A Cursive Memory.
HUNTER: All right, we gotta make this quick.
I'm going to take you over here to the stage we got in the back.
You can pretty much just, like, set up right here.
-I'm gonna get back to camp.
-We'll take it from here, man.
-All right, guys.
See you in a bit.
-Let's do this.
-Twenty bucks, Hunter gets Paris.
-Paris Hilton? -Twenty bucks.
-All right.
Twenty bucks.
NARRA TOR: With everything set, it's now or never for Hunter.
Come in.
What's up? What you doing? Getting packed up? Just reading.
There's something that I would really like to show you.
Would you come with me? Where are we going? We're going just down here to Just take a walk.
(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG) PARlS: What's this? My friends have this song.
Every time they play it, I think of you.
I've been to just about a million places Sunny skies everywhere and in between Just to know I'm right here with you It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen Oh, my God you're such a beautiful girl With such a wonderful way in such a beautiful place I just want to tell you I love you I love you Everything is gonna be okay someday soon I'm not gonna have any other chance to say this.
Just, the person you are, I'm so lucky to get to see this side that many people don't.
And I have fallen completely head over heels for you.
I don't know what to say.
This is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.
If time stood still and still it stood I'd be with you I have fallen completely head over heels for you.
This is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.
I just want to tell you I love you I love you Everything is gonna be okay someday soon I love you, I love you I love you, I love you I just want to tell you I love you I love you I just want to tell you I love you I'm sorry that I didn't kiss you sooner.
Oh, really? Yeah, so am l.
But you know It's just, in my life, I've been hurt a lot by guys, and I'm just very cautious, and it's hard for me to trust people.
Yeah, totally.
But you just seem so different.
I like that.
I'm a typical, you know Just a home-grown country boy.
That was for you, Hunter and Nicole Paris.
Thanks for ruining the moment (BLEEP).
NARRA TOR: It's been quite a summer at Camp Shawnee, and Paris and Nicole have one last thing to do before heading back to Hollywood.
-This is such a cool idea.
-PARlS: I know.
Ed will never forget us now.
It looks good.
NlCOLE: Trampoline can go in the back seat, just in case we wanna, like, jump.
Well, girls, I got to say, you've been the biggest handful for me out of all girl counselors I've ever had in my 22 years of experience.
(SCREAMlNG) PARlS: Perfect.
Paris, Nicole, get over here! ED: All in all, it was totally awesome.
It brought so much life and joy to us.
-All right.
-I did it! (GLORlA SOBBlNG) -I am trying.
-I know that you are.
ALL: Camp Shawnee.
Why do they always make you feel better even when you're feeling like crying? I know.
-You're like my sister.
-You have the warmest heart.
This is your surprise.
That's the most amazing thing ever.
(SOBBlNG) (PEOPLE CHEERlNG) Oh, my God.
You were our partner in crime.
Thank you, ladies.
I think of you two like daughters.
Great summer.
Thank you.
We had so much fun.
We're gonna miss you guys.
It was nice having you girls around for the summer.
-I didn't have just my boys.
-PARlS: Thanks so much.
-Bye, take care.
-I had fun with you guys.
Thank you so much.
-Bye.
Bye, Nicole.
-Love you.
Take care.
NlCOLE: Bye, honey.
PARlS: Bye, gorgeous.
Thanks for everything.
-So I gave you my number.
-Absolutely.
-Jeez! -ED: Get a room, you two.
So I'll give you my number.
(WHlSTLlNG) -HUNTER: Bye, sexy.
-Bye, sexy.
We even left a surprise for you at the office.
Something to remember us by.
-All right.
Thank you.
-Bye.
PARlS: Bye.
ED: Bye, ladies.
Civilization, here we come.
Oh, man! He's going to kill us.
Summertime, summertime Summertime! Ms.
Hilton