Weird Science s05e10 Episode Script
Stalag 16
Educator of the decade? Me? Oh, sweet baby James! Mr.
Scampi, we'd love to get a sound bite for the evening news.
The news! Yes, yes, of course.
I'd like to express my gratitude for this rare honor-- Iowa hog growers educator of the decade.
( Grunting softly ) You work tirelessly Thanklessly And think nobody's paying attention And then something like this comes along Soo-eee! Very nice.
Very nice, sir.
- So, Mr.
Frehley - Oh, please, you call me Ace.
You got it Ace.
When can I expect my lifetime supply of bacon? Oh, about the same time pigs fly.
( Chortling ) That voice.
You're not really Ace Frehley.
- Chester! - You've been stung.
( Cackling ) ( Continues laughing ) Chester! What did you do to my living room? - It's the holodeck you asked for.
- Holodeck? Yuppers.
It's a total immersive V.
R.
Experience.
Just pick your favorite fantasy and it all comes to life in that chamber.
Check out the brochure.
"Battle space aliens.
"Capture Al Capone.
Escape from Stalag 16.
" Hop in for the ride of your life.
It doesn't look safe.
Put a rat in it first and see what happens.
- Excuse me? - Put a rat in it.
Come back here.
( Yelling ) Uh-oh.
I want an apology! You strangle like a girl.
WYATT: What's happening to them? They're enjoying the wonders of my holodeck.
"Escape from Stalag 16.
" Lisa get us out of here.
This isn't funny.
Unless I miss my guess we're in the middle of a World War II P.
O.
W.
Camp.
God is punishing me for raising a hand to a student and the blind panic should be kicking in just about Now! ( Yelling ) Stop, Scampi! ( Gunshots ) ( Both yelling ) WYATT: Get them out of there, Lisa.
They can't actually leave until the program runs its course and the scenario won't end until they actually escape from the camp.
- Couldn't we just pull the plug? - Bad idea.
That would melt their brains.
Cooler.
You really want to walk these new fish to the cooler? If you ask me they ain't worth the Shoe Leather.
What do you offer me? Pack of smokes Belgian chocolate and the capper "Home of the Little Corporal.
" Oh.
You Americans with your libertine ways.
Ach.
Come on, you mugs before schmitty changes his mind.
Oh! ( French accent ): Sergeant Scampi! Colonel Donnelly.
Welcome to Stalag 16.
I'm a colonel? Bitchin'.
I am Lieutenant Pommefritte the tunnel man.
You give me two nights and a bent spoon I will provide an escape tunnel a mile long.
The earth, she is my woman.
Sergeant Manfredi you have already met, eh? Yeah, I'm the Scrounger.
I get you anything you want for a price-- Uh, Hooch, movie star pinups, Hungarian crushed velvet curtains I've got a catalog somewhere here.
This is Garner, our demolitions expert.
GUARD: Everyone outside! Raus! Raus! Raus! Whoo.
Guten tag, mein herren.
( Chuckling ) I am Kommandant Liebdich, which in the German tongue means "love you" and I do love you, each and every one of you.
My prisoners are my children.
Oh, yes.
But if you misbehave then my guards will have to spank you with their machine guns.
( Laughing ) Jawohl, Herr Butt-Skank.
( Laughter ) What is this "Butt-Skank"? Who has said this "Butt-Skank"? Hmm?! If I do not receive an answer there will be no scary goblin masks permitted this Halloween.
Well, it wasn't me.
It was Donnelly.
- ( Grunting ) - Come on, fellas, we all heard him.
Nobody likes a tattletale.
To the cooler! It's just a little smoke.
Perfectly normal.
- It's venting.
- Admit it, it's a death trap.
I'd like to point out that it's still running.
Okay, a fully functioning deathtrap.
I built this baby rock solid.
coursing through it and not even a flutter.
a 110-volt household outlet? ( Sputtering ) LISA: Well, it was working perfectly fine - until you guys came home.
- ( Both whimpering ) See? Superior craftsmanship.
The reserve power system just kicked in.
Or something.
( Dogs barking ) All lights out! Raus! Schnell! ( Whispering ): It's all clear.
As I was saying the escape tunnels will be finished shortly.
Soon, mes amis, we will break the heady nectar of freedom.
Ha! So How's that escape going, guys? You got room for one more? Uh Well, normally, I would say yes but, uh, there's only room in the escape tunnels for Well, all of us except you.
I think I understand what's going on here.
Chester a word.
What? The boys and me are planning an escape here.
And I don't want to be left behind.
The other dogfaces they seem to have accepted you.
Why should I help you? All you ever did for me was give me detentions confiscate my penthouses and get me in trouble with my parents.
I am not responsible for you breaking the rules, Chester.
You kicked me out of Farber and got me sent to military school.
You know what that was like? One time the upperclassmen made me walk through the quad Holding a live goldfish in my butt-cheeks.
( Laughs ) But the last laugh's on you, Scamps.
'Cause military school prepared me for situations like this.
Now you're trapped in my world.
Guard: All clear! - Cheese it! - You better find a bunk.
That's my bunk.
Not there.
( Snoring ) Cooler! We're losing backup power fast.
You're saying when it hits zero Chett and Scampi are dead men? Yeah, well technically.
Well, then you've got to zap in there and help them escape.
Me? Get inside that thing? Not likely.
Okay, okay.
Touch nothing.
LISA ( German accent ): On your feet, soldier! ( Groans ) I am Field Marshall Wisenhiemer.
I have letters of transit for two of your prisoners.
Their names are Donnelly and Scampi.
But th-these letters of transit are in English.
It is in secret code, you cowardly dog! Most clever, Herr Wisenhiemer.
Ouch.
Oops.
Your hair seems to be a bit beyond regulation length.
Of course, rank has its privileges, nicht wahr? It is bouncin' and behavin'.
( Giggles ) Thank you.
Thank you? Hah! Thank you?! Us German guys never say "thank you"! You are a fake German guy! Guards! You are very good, Wisenhiemer But no disguise can escape these eagle eyeballs of mine.
Take this man to the cooler! Hm! Well, so much for operation "genie drop.
" - What now? - We have to take steps.
If the power keeps dropping in 20 minutes we'll have some brain melts on rye.
We're going to have to go in.
How do we know we're going to get back out in one piece? We'll have to take that chance.
Wait I just thought of something.
I saw this once on Poltergeist.
We'll throw this in first and see if it comes back okay.
Whoo! So, where's it come out? ( Uncertain mutter ) Huh? Hey, you do some nice work on these passports.
I also do permission slips report cards and drug tests.
Merde.
The goons have discovered the escape tunnel in the latrine.
- How? - Someone left the seat up.
Okay.
The escape tunnel's out.
There's got to be another way out of this rat-hole.
We could use the second escape tunnel.
( Grunts ) She's no good to us.
There's a second escape tunnel? The escape tunnel she is located in the Kommandant's office.
There's got to be a way to get men in there.
We need a distraction.
The Kommandant-- does he have any weaknesses? No.
His will is iron.
Unless you count his unholy obsession with female German shot-putters.
Ach lose Miss May.
You have served me well.
( Sniffing ) But now it is time to say hello to the delicate Miss June.
Whoa! Wow-das-wow-wow.
( Smooch ) If only there was a female shot-putter - we could use as a decoy.
- ( Laughs ) Good luck, mon ami.
There are no women within 500 kilometers of here.
One of us will have to throw on a dress and seduce the Kommandant.
Ah, but who? This mission is extremely dangereuse.
Listen up, everybody! I got something to say! Now, I'm a patriotic American.
Therefore, I request No-- demand Inclusion in any and all future escape plans.
Do I make myself clear?! You know, there is one job that we need handled.
Great.
I'm your man.
- Not for long.
- ( Restrained laughter ) ( Chuckling ) Those Katzenjammer kids They are always getting into Dutch.
( Throat clearing ) ( Higher-pitched throat clearing ) Mein gott.
Guten tag, mein herr.
Ausgezeichnet.
Und, Fraulein, in the '36 Olympics did you put your shot for the red, white, and black? The '36 Olympics? That was quite a workout.
I had to throw the shot put Really far.
Never mind that.
How far Will you go? Would you give this naughty soldier boy a good spanking? Ooh, I love it when my buns get cherry red.
Well, uh let's not let's not rush things.
Have another glass of wine.
You don't have to get me drunk, you know.
I am easy.
Ooh! Jiminy.
The Germans sure can hold their sodium penathol.
Aren't you the least bit sleepy? Wine does not make me sleepy, only frisky.
I am seeing double, but I am feeling single.
- You look so tense.
- Ja, ja, ja.
How about a nice shoulder massage? Ah, ja, that is the sweet spot.
The Kommandant's not going down.
We've got to abort the escape.
And do what? Abandon Scampi? That man's putting his tail on the line for you guys.
We're backing him up.
The escape continues.
That's an order, sergeant! No more with this stalling now make me the loving.
And now I will be sleepy.
( Snoring ) Willikers.
That was a close one.
Hey, Fritzie, I got another joke for you.
What do you call the fuhrer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
I hear nothing.
I hear nothing.
How do you get a one-armed fuhrer out of a tree? Wave to him.
I will give you a thrashing now! Dummkopf.
Fell for the old belt-attached-to- the-welcome mat trick.
Scampi: Hey, fellas.
A little help here! - Shh! - Shh! Sorry.
We can't risk waking that ratzi schnook.
Get him off me.
Get him off me! If you leave me I'll be shot.
Fear not, mon ami.
Word of your heroic sacrifice will sweep through Paris like a wildfire children will sing of your courage grandmothers will light candles in your memory and beautiful women will want to sleep with me just because I knew you.
Merci, mon ami.
It's no use.
He's hanging on like an ugly girlfriend.
Go, Chester.
Save yourself.
- You mean that, don't you? - Of course I do.
What principal wouldn't give his life for a former student? You're not going to die here, Scampi.
Not today.
You're going to live a nice, long life.
And every minute of that life you're going to know that I saw you with lipstick, heels and a 200-pound pile of Sauerkraut wrapped around your legs.
You will die now.
Frauleins first.
Game called on account of unconsciousness.
What about this scenario? "Polynesian Paradise.
" Is that a volcano? Yeah, but it stays dormant as long as they toss in a virgin every once in a while.
Okay, here's a quiet one-- "Amish Barnraising.
" I don't like the looks of that pitchfork.
( Both whistling "When Johnny Comes Marching Home" ) Hey, shouldn't we wipe Scampi's memory? Ooh, I almost forgot.
Where am I? Can't remember.
Ace Frehley.
I remember Ace Frehley.
Ace.
Pigs.
Bacon.
Shame.
Uh-oh.
( Yelling ) No! ( Alarm sounds ) I remember this.
Chester, this time you get to be the woman.
Captioned by Grant Brown
Scampi, we'd love to get a sound bite for the evening news.
The news! Yes, yes, of course.
I'd like to express my gratitude for this rare honor-- Iowa hog growers educator of the decade.
( Grunting softly ) You work tirelessly Thanklessly And think nobody's paying attention And then something like this comes along Soo-eee! Very nice.
Very nice, sir.
- So, Mr.
Frehley - Oh, please, you call me Ace.
You got it Ace.
When can I expect my lifetime supply of bacon? Oh, about the same time pigs fly.
( Chortling ) That voice.
You're not really Ace Frehley.
- Chester! - You've been stung.
( Cackling ) ( Continues laughing ) Chester! What did you do to my living room? - It's the holodeck you asked for.
- Holodeck? Yuppers.
It's a total immersive V.
R.
Experience.
Just pick your favorite fantasy and it all comes to life in that chamber.
Check out the brochure.
"Battle space aliens.
"Capture Al Capone.
Escape from Stalag 16.
" Hop in for the ride of your life.
It doesn't look safe.
Put a rat in it first and see what happens.
- Excuse me? - Put a rat in it.
Come back here.
( Yelling ) Uh-oh.
I want an apology! You strangle like a girl.
WYATT: What's happening to them? They're enjoying the wonders of my holodeck.
"Escape from Stalag 16.
" Lisa get us out of here.
This isn't funny.
Unless I miss my guess we're in the middle of a World War II P.
O.
W.
Camp.
God is punishing me for raising a hand to a student and the blind panic should be kicking in just about Now! ( Yelling ) Stop, Scampi! ( Gunshots ) ( Both yelling ) WYATT: Get them out of there, Lisa.
They can't actually leave until the program runs its course and the scenario won't end until they actually escape from the camp.
- Couldn't we just pull the plug? - Bad idea.
That would melt their brains.
Cooler.
You really want to walk these new fish to the cooler? If you ask me they ain't worth the Shoe Leather.
What do you offer me? Pack of smokes Belgian chocolate and the capper "Home of the Little Corporal.
" Oh.
You Americans with your libertine ways.
Ach.
Come on, you mugs before schmitty changes his mind.
Oh! ( French accent ): Sergeant Scampi! Colonel Donnelly.
Welcome to Stalag 16.
I'm a colonel? Bitchin'.
I am Lieutenant Pommefritte the tunnel man.
You give me two nights and a bent spoon I will provide an escape tunnel a mile long.
The earth, she is my woman.
Sergeant Manfredi you have already met, eh? Yeah, I'm the Scrounger.
I get you anything you want for a price-- Uh, Hooch, movie star pinups, Hungarian crushed velvet curtains I've got a catalog somewhere here.
This is Garner, our demolitions expert.
GUARD: Everyone outside! Raus! Raus! Raus! Whoo.
Guten tag, mein herren.
( Chuckling ) I am Kommandant Liebdich, which in the German tongue means "love you" and I do love you, each and every one of you.
My prisoners are my children.
Oh, yes.
But if you misbehave then my guards will have to spank you with their machine guns.
( Laughing ) Jawohl, Herr Butt-Skank.
( Laughter ) What is this "Butt-Skank"? Who has said this "Butt-Skank"? Hmm?! If I do not receive an answer there will be no scary goblin masks permitted this Halloween.
Well, it wasn't me.
It was Donnelly.
- ( Grunting ) - Come on, fellas, we all heard him.
Nobody likes a tattletale.
To the cooler! It's just a little smoke.
Perfectly normal.
- It's venting.
- Admit it, it's a death trap.
I'd like to point out that it's still running.
Okay, a fully functioning deathtrap.
I built this baby rock solid.
coursing through it and not even a flutter.
a 110-volt household outlet? ( Sputtering ) LISA: Well, it was working perfectly fine - until you guys came home.
- ( Both whimpering ) See? Superior craftsmanship.
The reserve power system just kicked in.
Or something.
( Dogs barking ) All lights out! Raus! Schnell! ( Whispering ): It's all clear.
As I was saying the escape tunnels will be finished shortly.
Soon, mes amis, we will break the heady nectar of freedom.
Ha! So How's that escape going, guys? You got room for one more? Uh Well, normally, I would say yes but, uh, there's only room in the escape tunnels for Well, all of us except you.
I think I understand what's going on here.
Chester a word.
What? The boys and me are planning an escape here.
And I don't want to be left behind.
The other dogfaces they seem to have accepted you.
Why should I help you? All you ever did for me was give me detentions confiscate my penthouses and get me in trouble with my parents.
I am not responsible for you breaking the rules, Chester.
You kicked me out of Farber and got me sent to military school.
You know what that was like? One time the upperclassmen made me walk through the quad Holding a live goldfish in my butt-cheeks.
( Laughs ) But the last laugh's on you, Scamps.
'Cause military school prepared me for situations like this.
Now you're trapped in my world.
Guard: All clear! - Cheese it! - You better find a bunk.
That's my bunk.
Not there.
( Snoring ) Cooler! We're losing backup power fast.
You're saying when it hits zero Chett and Scampi are dead men? Yeah, well technically.
Well, then you've got to zap in there and help them escape.
Me? Get inside that thing? Not likely.
Okay, okay.
Touch nothing.
LISA ( German accent ): On your feet, soldier! ( Groans ) I am Field Marshall Wisenhiemer.
I have letters of transit for two of your prisoners.
Their names are Donnelly and Scampi.
But th-these letters of transit are in English.
It is in secret code, you cowardly dog! Most clever, Herr Wisenhiemer.
Ouch.
Oops.
Your hair seems to be a bit beyond regulation length.
Of course, rank has its privileges, nicht wahr? It is bouncin' and behavin'.
( Giggles ) Thank you.
Thank you? Hah! Thank you?! Us German guys never say "thank you"! You are a fake German guy! Guards! You are very good, Wisenhiemer But no disguise can escape these eagle eyeballs of mine.
Take this man to the cooler! Hm! Well, so much for operation "genie drop.
" - What now? - We have to take steps.
If the power keeps dropping in 20 minutes we'll have some brain melts on rye.
We're going to have to go in.
How do we know we're going to get back out in one piece? We'll have to take that chance.
Wait I just thought of something.
I saw this once on Poltergeist.
We'll throw this in first and see if it comes back okay.
Whoo! So, where's it come out? ( Uncertain mutter ) Huh? Hey, you do some nice work on these passports.
I also do permission slips report cards and drug tests.
Merde.
The goons have discovered the escape tunnel in the latrine.
- How? - Someone left the seat up.
Okay.
The escape tunnel's out.
There's got to be another way out of this rat-hole.
We could use the second escape tunnel.
( Grunts ) She's no good to us.
There's a second escape tunnel? The escape tunnel she is located in the Kommandant's office.
There's got to be a way to get men in there.
We need a distraction.
The Kommandant-- does he have any weaknesses? No.
His will is iron.
Unless you count his unholy obsession with female German shot-putters.
Ach lose Miss May.
You have served me well.
( Sniffing ) But now it is time to say hello to the delicate Miss June.
Whoa! Wow-das-wow-wow.
( Smooch ) If only there was a female shot-putter - we could use as a decoy.
- ( Laughs ) Good luck, mon ami.
There are no women within 500 kilometers of here.
One of us will have to throw on a dress and seduce the Kommandant.
Ah, but who? This mission is extremely dangereuse.
Listen up, everybody! I got something to say! Now, I'm a patriotic American.
Therefore, I request No-- demand Inclusion in any and all future escape plans.
Do I make myself clear?! You know, there is one job that we need handled.
Great.
I'm your man.
- Not for long.
- ( Restrained laughter ) ( Chuckling ) Those Katzenjammer kids They are always getting into Dutch.
( Throat clearing ) ( Higher-pitched throat clearing ) Mein gott.
Guten tag, mein herr.
Ausgezeichnet.
Und, Fraulein, in the '36 Olympics did you put your shot for the red, white, and black? The '36 Olympics? That was quite a workout.
I had to throw the shot put Really far.
Never mind that.
How far Will you go? Would you give this naughty soldier boy a good spanking? Ooh, I love it when my buns get cherry red.
Well, uh let's not let's not rush things.
Have another glass of wine.
You don't have to get me drunk, you know.
I am easy.
Ooh! Jiminy.
The Germans sure can hold their sodium penathol.
Aren't you the least bit sleepy? Wine does not make me sleepy, only frisky.
I am seeing double, but I am feeling single.
- You look so tense.
- Ja, ja, ja.
How about a nice shoulder massage? Ah, ja, that is the sweet spot.
The Kommandant's not going down.
We've got to abort the escape.
And do what? Abandon Scampi? That man's putting his tail on the line for you guys.
We're backing him up.
The escape continues.
That's an order, sergeant! No more with this stalling now make me the loving.
And now I will be sleepy.
( Snoring ) Willikers.
That was a close one.
Hey, Fritzie, I got another joke for you.
What do you call the fuhrer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
I hear nothing.
I hear nothing.
How do you get a one-armed fuhrer out of a tree? Wave to him.
I will give you a thrashing now! Dummkopf.
Fell for the old belt-attached-to- the-welcome mat trick.
Scampi: Hey, fellas.
A little help here! - Shh! - Shh! Sorry.
We can't risk waking that ratzi schnook.
Get him off me.
Get him off me! If you leave me I'll be shot.
Fear not, mon ami.
Word of your heroic sacrifice will sweep through Paris like a wildfire children will sing of your courage grandmothers will light candles in your memory and beautiful women will want to sleep with me just because I knew you.
Merci, mon ami.
It's no use.
He's hanging on like an ugly girlfriend.
Go, Chester.
Save yourself.
- You mean that, don't you? - Of course I do.
What principal wouldn't give his life for a former student? You're not going to die here, Scampi.
Not today.
You're going to live a nice, long life.
And every minute of that life you're going to know that I saw you with lipstick, heels and a 200-pound pile of Sauerkraut wrapped around your legs.
You will die now.
Frauleins first.
Game called on account of unconsciousness.
What about this scenario? "Polynesian Paradise.
" Is that a volcano? Yeah, but it stays dormant as long as they toss in a virgin every once in a while.
Okay, here's a quiet one-- "Amish Barnraising.
" I don't like the looks of that pitchfork.
( Both whistling "When Johnny Comes Marching Home" ) Hey, shouldn't we wipe Scampi's memory? Ooh, I almost forgot.
Where am I? Can't remember.
Ace Frehley.
I remember Ace Frehley.
Ace.
Pigs.
Bacon.
Shame.
Uh-oh.
( Yelling ) No! ( Alarm sounds ) I remember this.
Chester, this time you get to be the woman.
Captioned by Grant Brown