Xena: Warrior Princess s05e10 Episode Script

"X" marks the spot, boys.
The treasure should be under these pillars.
Where are you, my golden one? At long last the quest is finally over.
The lyre's mine.
-Yeah, boss.
-Correction.
Since you found it on amazon territory I'd say it belongs to us.
Here.
Psych! No! No, no, no! Look, look I'll tell you what If you want the lyre so badly, you can pry it from my dead fingers.
With pleasure.
Well, kids If you can't play nicely with your toy, I'm gonna have to take it from ya.
Xena What's the lyre doing here? There's more than one of them.
They're hidden all over the world.
It's Terpsichore's way of spreading music.
-Hi, Gabrielle.
-Draco What's wrong with him? -Baby Bliss put a spell on him.
-Creepy.
How can you say it's a spell when I would gladly tear out my own spleen and carve your initials on the side of it just to prove my undying love for you? I'm flattered.
Check it out, sisters.
"Draco, the lionhearted" is really "Draco, the dandelion".
You want a war, amazon? You've got one.
War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'.
Uh-huh, yeah.
War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'.
Listen to me now.
War is a thing that I despise 'cause it means destruction of innocent lives.
War means tears in thousands of mothers' eyes when their young go out to fight and lose their lives.
War! Good God! Y'all What is good for? Absolutely nothin'.
Say it again, yeah.
War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'.
War! It ain't nothin' but a heartbreaker.
War! Free only to the undertaker.
War is the enemy of all mankind.
The thought of war just blows my mind.
War handed down from generation to generation.
Induction and destruction.
Who wants to die? War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'.
Say it again, yeah.
War! What is it good for? Nothin'! Say it again! War! What is it good for? Nothin'! Say it again! War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
Ok.
Since we're not gonna battle it out how are we gonna decide who gets the lyre? Oh, there's gonna be a battle, all right? Battle of the bands.
In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS All right, listen up.
Playing music's the way for a muse to inspire and the best-sounding band will win Terpsichore's lyre.
If the people don't mind there's a contest for peace and we'll do it right here In Melodia Music capital of Greece! -Hi, Vargus! -Hi, Spiro! What's the hurry? Why the scurry? Where's the fire? Why the lyre? Did you hear? There's a concert in town! -Hi, Cory! -Hi, Sarah! News I'm bringing.
Time for singing.
Can you hum? Get your drum.
Oh, my gosh, there's a concert in town! -Is there really a jam? -Yeah! -Can we participate? -Sure! -Should we go there right now? -Why not? -Or is it too late? -No! Yeah, there's really a jam for you and the rest.
So take your sitars and give it your best.
Hello, farmer Paxon.
I am Alabartus.
Won't you let me sing with you? -Is there really a jam? -Yes, there is.
-I've got talent to spare.
-That's why I asked.
-Just take over my stand -But I thought and get out of my hair! -Bang, bang! -You know it! -Bang, bang! -Swing, swing! -Bang, bang! -You know it! Here's your note in your key.
-That's too high.
-Not for me.
Hello, miss Leandra.
I am Alabartus.
Won't you let me sing with you? Got no talent.
I got money.
I just need to bribe that judge.
-Oh, they think they're so cool.
-We've got talent.
-Playing music's a gag.
-We've got music.
-When you get onstage -We got singing.
they'll fall down on them.
Hello, kind barbarians.
I am Alabartus.
Please, just let me sing with you.
-But you've got it all wrong.
-Gettin' ready! -There's no talent to find.
-Gettin' ready! -If this concert's too big -Gettin' ready! -I'll go out of my mind! -When you gotta sing really gotta sing! When the music plays then my hips will sway.
What you gonna do? What you gonna do? -Is there really a jam? -Whoa, man! -Can I participate? -Whoa, man! -Should I go there right now? -Whoa, man! Or is it too late? -Gettin' ready! Gettin' ready! -Rock! -Let's rock! -Gettin' ready! Ready to rock! -Gettin' ready! Gettin' ready! -Rock! -Let's rock! -Gettin' ready! Ready to rock! Yes, there's really a jam for you and the rest.
So, put down your sitars and give it your best.
Gettin' ready! Gettin' ready! Gettin' ready! Ready to Gettin' ready! Gettin' ready! So I'm figuring this'll be a great place for a stage.
Xena! The word is out.
The bands are coming from everywhere.
I guess the contest is gonna be bigger than we thought.
-Yeah.
-Well Everybody deserves a chance.
Gabrielle, why don't you just audition each band as it comes in and make a first cut? Good girl.
Joxer, get together some villagers.
See if you can build a stage.
I'm figuring here.
Ok.
-Yeah! -Xena! Mom! So it's true! And when were you going to tell me? Amphipolis was my very next stop.
Well, you look positively radiant! When are we gonna meet your special someone? If you mean the father, the answer's "never".
He's not in my life.
But Xena, every child needs a father! You raised me on your own.
I attest that would have been much easier with help.
I have help, Mom.
You have now.
-The place is rocking! -Yeah! Gabrielle, sign them up.
Kill me, please.
Aw, come on They can't all be -mediocre.
-No, they all suck.
Sadly everyone in the music capital of Greece is tone deaf.
Maybe not everyone.
Come on.
Everyone! Why don't you all throw up your hands and feel my rhythm? Another one? That's my brother, Jace.
We get it on 'most every night.
And when that moon gets big and bright it's a supernatural delight.
Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.
Everybody here is out of sight.
They don't bark and they don't bite.
They keep it loose.
They keep it light.
Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.
Dancing in the moonlight! Everybody feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.
We like our fun but never fight.
You can't dance and stay uptight.
It's a supernatural delight.
Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.
Dancing in the moonlight! Everybody feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.
-Bella! -Come on! Bella, mi amigo, bella! You think that was something? This is how we dance before breakfast where I come from.
Repeat after me! Ole, ole! Dancing in the moonlight! Everybody feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.
Dancing in the moonlight! Everybody feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight Everybody's dancing bailando! Yeah! You fall off the circus wagon, boy? We don't like your kind around here, freak.
Draco! -Let's take him.
-But Gabrielle I am just trying to keep you from being infected by this lily-livered panty-twist.
You harm so much as a hair on Jace's head I'll scalp you.
Good luck in the contest.
Need a hand, killer? Where? Me? Yeah I am a killer.
In fact I can kill a person with a cold stare.
But, you know, inside I'm delicate as a daisy.
I'm, I'm inside.
Don't try so hard, Joxer.
Didn't anyone ever tell you the quickest way to win a woman's heart is by making her laugh? Well, in that case, I'm the sexiest man in the world.
There you are! Joxer! Damn.
Who's that guy? Why don't you wait here? I'll be back in a moment.
You crazy fellow.
You Give your big brother a hug.
No, Jace.
No! -Play the game -No.
-Play the game! -No, Jace.
Not now.
Where is he? I don't see my little brother! Where is he? There he is! Where have you been? I was starting to think I was an only child.
Look, Jace I'm a grown-up now.
I'm not your little baby brother.
And I'm a warrior with a reputation to protect.
I follow my sword.
I follow the music, wherever it takes me.
I thought you'd be happy it took me to you.
Yeah, made my day.
Now quit talkin' like that.
-Like what? -Like I don't know.
That stupid accent of yours, like you're from Spain or somethin'.
You're from Olympic Street in Athens two blocks from Akhmar, the meatman, just like me.
Well, not just like you.
I don't have a pasta strainer for a shirt.
Just stay away from me Bro.
My own brother insulting me.
Can you believe it? As a matter of fact, I can.
Joxer likes to think that he knows who he is but all he really knows is who he wants to be.
That's right.
And who would not want to be just like me? Xena! Meet Phillipis.
He's a healer.
Tell Xena about all the exciting things you've been doing with leeches.
Well, that's great, because I could sure use a doctor about now.
Could you give me and Mom just a moment? Thanks.
All right, I'm telling you for the last time politely.
I do not need help finding a man.
No? But finding the right man! Now that's a different story.
I'm beginning to remember why I left home so young.
Joxer What? What is your problem? Why were you so rude to your brother? Look, Gabrielle, you don't understand.
Things are different.
We're not kids anymore.
I'm a warrior now, and Jace is still Jace.
So you're telling me that you're so heartless towards him because he's Different? Different.
And he is Yes? He's wasting his life.
He is wasting his life.
That's it.
-I am a warrior, and he is -Your brother? No matter what else he is, he will always be that.
Hey, Joxer.
My band's rehearsing our moves.
You wanna watch, handsome? Do birds fly? Do bees buzz? Do I take a bath once a month whether I need it or not? You bet.
Hold that.
Let's go.
You're not on the back burner now.
You're smokin'.
Xena, right? -Who wants to know? -I saw your ad.
"Single greek female seeks marriage with stable provider" "to raise a child and to dote on an exceptionally wonderful mother" "who doesn't look a day over twenty.
" Gee, I wonder who wrote that.
It wasn't you? No, I am not in the market for a husband.
Yeah.
Sure.
I understand.
How 'bout a little casual sex? and step and kick and twist and punch.
No, ladies! It's step, kick, twist, punch.
Not step, kick, punch, twist.
Again, slowly.
Step, kick, twist, punch.
Why do I care? It is Joxer.
Ain't love grand? Draco, I'm busy.
I've come to talk to you about our future.
Now I'm a changed man.
My warlord days are well behind me and when I win that lyre, I will prove it to you in song.
-I'm the reason you want? -The lyre? Of course it is! When I win that melodious instrument I will serenade you for all eternity.
That's very sweet in a completely deranged, obsessed kind of way.
Draco, you do not love me.
You're under a spell.
Call it what you will, my love.
Just as long as you marry me.
We could have a wedding in spring and a honeymoon in Crete.
The answer is "no".
Your lips say "no", but your eyes scream "yes".
Don't make me say it in a way you won't like.
I will never give up on us, Gabrielle.
You may kiss me.
Don't even think about it.
Let me get this through your thick skull.
I would not marry you if you were the last man on Earth.
She wants me.
I walk along these city streets you used to walk along with me.
And every step I take recalls how much in love we used to be.
Oh, how can I forget you? When there is always something there to remind me! Always something there to remind me! I was born to love you and I will never be free.
You'll always be a part of me.
When shadows fall, I pass a small cafe where we would dance at night.
And I can't help recalling how it felt to kiss and hold you tight.
Oh, how can I forget you? When there is always something there to remind me! Always something there to remind me! I was born to love you and I will never be free.
You'll always be a part of me.
Gabrielle! If you should find you miss the sweet and tender love we used to share, just come back to the places where we used to go.
And I'll be there.
Oh, how can I forget you? When there is always something there to remind me! When there is always something there to remind me! Always something there to remind me! When there is always something there to remind me! Always! Something! Always! Something! If I can't have you, Gabrielle, no one will! Yes, that's the groove, right there.
I like this groove.
Yes, this does it for me.
Oh, very much, very good.
Yes, I like this one a lot.
Turn around, that's it Back, back, step, step.
-What are you smilin' at? -Your brother.
Oh, oh, yeah.
I'm really sorry about that.
I'm so sexy! What are you apologizing for? Look at him.
He's amazing! He's so uninhibited Now that is a true sign of a secure man.
Oh, oh Yeah, yeah.
I'm just sorry he's not dancing more.
You know So Think you could get him to teach me some of those moves? Oh, yeah.
Anything for you.
You know Uninhibitedness runs in my family.
Joxer Yeah? You're trying too hard again.
Right.
I'll go get Jace.
Come on, girls.
-Hi.
-Xena I -I wanna ask you something.
-Well, make it snappy.
I've got a lot of single greek losers to turn down.
What do you think about Amoria for Joxer? Works for me.
Are you crazy? Why did you ask me if you already have an answer? Because she's so wrong for him.
He should be with someone that's like like You? Come on, Xena.
Well Hey, if you're not gonna take him it's not fair of you to stop someone else from tryin.
Jace? How are ya, bro? Listen.
I know whatcha thinkin'.
I've been acting crummy to ya and I probably shouldn't 'a said what I said.
-Really? -Look You're a grown man.
You wanna dress like a clown and act like a spaz, that is none of my business.
Joxer -Back in the old country -Jace You're not from the old country and you're not from Spain and I doubt very much if you've ever even had a plate of Paella.
I am your older brother by half an hour.
And I see that is going to make all the difference in the world.
I 'cept your apology because I know it is as good as I'm ever gonna get from you.
Because you obviously don't know any better.
Adios.
All right, come on.
The concert's starting soon.
Xena, right? She left town.
Just missed her.
Before you say no, hear me out.
I may not look like much, but in a few years when my face clears up I'll grow up to be the kind of man your child will be proud to call Dad.
You know what, kid That is the nicest offer I've had all day.
You shouldn't be in so much of a hurry to grow up.
Mother I'm going to kill you.
All I want is for you to have a family, Xena.
I have a family.
I've got Gabrielle.
I've got Joxer.
And as much as it pains me to say it I've got you.
This child's life will be filled with more than enough love.
Still it doesn't replace a father.
For crying out loud, what century are you living in? There was a time when they used to say that behind every great man there had to be a great woman.
But in these times of change, you know, it's no longer true.
So we're comin' out of the kitchen 'cause there's somethin' we forgot to say to you, yeah.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
(Girl, isn't that true?) Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
This is a song to celebrate Yeah! the conscious liberation of the female state.
I'm talkin' 'bout a state of mind.
Mothers and daughters and their daughters too.
Woman to woman we're singin' with you.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
We ain't makin' stories and we ain't layin' plans.
'Cause a man still loves a woman and a woman still loves a man.
That's right.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
(Oh, ringin' on my bells.
) Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
I love it! I love it! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! You've always danced to the beat of your own drum, Xena.
I suppose it would be foolish of me to stop you now.
Thanks, Mom.
Now, who did you say the father was? Everything ok, boss? Does everything look ok? The woman I love My sweet, beautiful Gabrielle has spurned my advances.
No! No.
Not spurned.
She ha She hates me! Hey Don't let it getcha down.
I mean There's plenty other chicks in the sea.
Gabrielle is not a chick.
Her and I are soulmates.
And as long as she's alive I will never be able to love again.
But what about the concert? I mean Me and the boys are really lookin' forward to rockin' down.
We'll perform, all right.
In fact we're gonna slay 'em.
Let's go, for cryin' out loud! Get on with the show! We still need you to perform.
Can you please just warm up in the dressing room? No, you need You need to put on your costume.
Just go to the left.
It's on a rack.
Could we please clear this area? What's going on? Come on, the crowd's going wild.
Xena, nobody wants to be the first band.
All right You go out there and stall.
I'll deal with the bands.
All right! Come here! The concert's about to start.
All right.
I need to make an announcement.
There's some bad slouvaki going around so stay away from the slouvaki.
Hey, hey! It's not that bad.
Gabrielle! All right! Draco.
You're on.
This is your last chance, Gabrielle.
-Marry me, my love.
-Draco, no! Have it your own way.
But you're part of the act now and for our grand finale you get to die.
Yeah, as if it's gonna start you know? I mean Right now it's time to! Right now it's time to! Right now it's time to check out the jams, brothers and sisters! Come on! I gotta kick 'em out! Well, I'm feelin' pretty good and I guess that I could get crazy now, baby.
'Cause we all gotta do what the dressing room make.
I know how you want it, girl.
Hot, quick, and tight.
The girl gets hotter when you're doin' it right.
So let me up on the stand.
Let me kick out the jams! Yeah! Kick out the jams! I gotta kick 'em out! I'm trying to touch you.
You know, my jet's on fire.
Well, I feel you! Yeah! From the sounds of the fire that resounds in the sky.
When I touch you now, baby.
You can't do without.
When you got that feelin' you got to sock 'em out.
So put the mike in my hands! Let me kick out the jams! Yeah! Kick out the jams! I gotta kick 'em out! Help me! I need something *heavy! (*heavy metal) Anything, please! -How 'bout a *rock? (*rock) -Rock? Yeah! -Can rock! -Here! -Come on! -Rock him with this! Goodbye, my love.
Get her! Gabrielle! Wait for me, my love! Xena! -Xe -Come back! Time to die, Gabrielle.
Show's over, loverboy.
The name's Draco! Give me my props! 'Cause I'm the gee when the music stops! I'm the baddest momma jammer this side of Thrace.
Your expression's gonna change when I'm in your face.
No, I'm the baddest rapper there is, and you're the saddest there is, and that's the way it is.
You're just a copycat.
That's where your head is at.
You chase the rhythm from a place you was never at.
Ain't nobody told you that *payback's a mother? (*playback) Heads up, my brother, 'cause here comes another.
It's time to face the funk blastin' atcha! You better give it up 'cause you ain't gonna match my rhyme! Just like old times when you be trippin' in your own stuff didn't know what.
I'm the number one warlord, king of the Horde! And I'm out to collect my reward! Let's get it on, 'cause I'm gettin' bored.
There now.
That's so much better.
I just love a man in uniform.
You all right? Yeah Oh What do you think? Joxer, she's a rocker chick.
What d'you expect? I have to admit, I thought it was kind of strange seeing you with her.
It's only 'cause I'm so used to your You know.
Being around me and that kind of thing.
Like a puppy-dog.
That's not what I meant.
Gabrielle, you are sort of used to having me around when you need me.
I know I take advantage of you, Joxer, but I care about you.
You mean a lot to me.
Ok.
-So, what are you doin' tonight? -Not a chance in Tartarus.
Right, because I have lots to do, as it gets later.
Oh, good.
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena, come quick! The crowd's going wild! They want an encore! I'd love to, but I'm fresh out of asses to kick! But you just won Terpsichore's lyre! But if you don't want it, I'll put it in my living room Maybe next to the bed, or something.
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Now, Terpsichore wanted this lyre to spread music so I don't think that it's fair that only one person should own it.
And that's why I'm leaving it here in the musical capital of Greece.
Because Melodia You rock! All the world over so easy to see people everywhere just wanna be free.
Listen, please listen, that's the way it should be.
Deep in the valley, people got to be free! Oh, yeah! Mi amigo! -Listen to me.
-Oh, yeah! You should see what a lovely, lovely world this would be if everyone learned to live together.
Seems to me such an easy, easy thing it should be.
Why can't you and me learn to love one another? All the world over so easy to see people everywhere just wanna be free.
Can't understand? It's so simple to me.
People everywhere just got to be free.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! If there's a man who is down and needs a helping hand all it takes is you to understand and to pull him through.
It seems to me we gotta solve it individually I'll do unto you what you do to me.
You're a very good singer, but you can't be in my show.
Shout it from the mountains all out to the sea.
No two ways about it, people have to be free.
Ask me my opinion, my opinion will be natural situation for a man to be free.
Oh, yeah! -Get right on board.
-Oh, yeah! What a feeling's just come over me.
Love can move a mountain, make a blind man see.
Everybody, sing it now, come on.
Deep in the valley, we ought to be free! Shout it from the mountains all out to the sea.
No two ways about it, people have to be free.
Ask me my opinion, my opinion will be natural situation for a man to be free.
Oh, yeah! -Get right on board.
-Oh, yeah! What a feeling's just come over me.
Love can move a mountain, make a blind man see.
Everybody, sing it now, come on.
Deep in the valley, we ought to be free!