Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e11 Episode Script

1 (UPTEMPO MUSIC) (BACKGROUND CHATTER) Come, come, come, come.
Okay, help me, please.
Is that the the date or the daughter? I don't want to get it wrong.
- I honestly can't tell.
- Really? SERVER: I don't know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Excuse me.
I was wondering if I could get a glass of red wine and a scotch on the rocks for my dad while we're waiting for our table.
Of course.
Yep.
Okay.
Solved.
WOMAN: Really sorry, coming through.
- Oh, there she is.
- Hey babe! Mwah! Sorry I was late.
And a chardonnay for my stepmother.
Hey, you.
How's it going? Mom.
I'm going to need a nine ounce.
Okay.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch ♪ Rolling in the party we'll start the fun ♪ Get fancy ♪ Hey Hey ♪ There's no clouds its just the sun ♪ Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah ♪ Hold your breath a little longer ♪ Let's go dancing underwater ♪ Oh, oh, oh oh ♪ First of all, we want to start by saying we loved your book.
We loved your book.
Thank you very much.
It was a long time in the making.
I was embedded with those soldiers for over two years to write 'War At Night'.
Okay.
So we've got some ideas for the cover.
We really wanted to get your feedback.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Okay.
Very exciting.
Okay.
It's our first pass.
MARIE: Oh, ah AURORA: You know what, this wasn't our first choice either.
Great instincts, Marie.
- There we go.
- There we go.
MARIE: That's not even the title of my book though.
Your original title didn't really sell it.
We find that you really have to signal the public when a memoir is going to get all feelingsy.
It's a book about war.
- You're not into it? - No, sorry.
We've got another art.
Get rid of that! Get rid out that! AURORA: This one is light pink.
I'm sorry, but what does pink have to do with anything? We felt that this cover really conveyed the book's key message, that it was written by a woman.
AURORA: A beautiful woman! I mean, look at you.
I mean about that, about that.
Actually, if we can look at the author photo here, black and white photo that you have.
Yeah, I love it.
CAROLYN: Really embedded with the Colombians in the jungle, it's a bit intense, a bit severe.
It's not sexy.
I'm sorry, why would it be sexy? Sh, sh.
Sonia.
This is really exciting.
I think your mind's going to blow! MARIE: Holy shit! AURORA: That's what I said.
Marie, we've been in this business a long time.
We know what sells.
AURORA: What we want is for as many women as possible to experience your words.
I mean, the book's not just for women.
It's about the human experience.
It's- It's not just for women? (LAUGHING) AURORA: Where did you find CAROLYN: You're funny! You're funny! AURORA: You got me.
You got me.
Oh yeah, right.
I'm a man and I'm going to read this book by a woman.
It's a war memoir and it's very graphic.
You are funny.
You are funny! You really are.
You might want to tone that down for interviews though.
I mean I kid, but really do do that.
It doesn't sell.
I think maybe I'll take my book someplace else.
(CHUCKLING) Well we own it.
We own you.
We own you.
CHILD: Yay! He came! Yay! Yay! Here we go.
Okay, okay.
Just one quick thing, Santa, um, has had a bit of a tough year.
Um, but I want you to know that he has made you something really, really special.
- Okay? - Okay.
Um, it's just that sometimes life, well, it just, it just happens and there's a lot going on for Santa right now.
I mean, between the downsizing of the North Pole and then the divorce it's Santa divorced Mrs.
Claus? Okay, technically it's a separation, so.
Yeah, Santa's so much happier now.
And Santa doesn't need to be with anyone.
Santa doesn't need to date.
Santa actually likes being alone and maybe Santa should book that all-inclusive to Cuba.
And you know what? Everybody needs to stop talking about it! Yip, yip, yip.
It's all, it's all anyone is talking (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, hold on.
Oh my god, Santa.
I just can't be alone right now.
I was just talking about you.
Come in.
It's okay.
It's okay.
- Santa! - Oh, hi! I filled her in.
She knows everything.
This is a safe space.
You get to be yourself, okay? Thank you.
CAROLYN: Okay, um, I have to tell you something, - but you can't tell anyone, okay? - Okay! No, no.
I'm serious.
Like stick it in the bubble, alright? It's in the Michael Bublé.
Tell me.
No, I'm-I'm serious.
Like stick it in the vault, okay.
And not just the normal vault, put the vault that's like in the other vault in another vault and dig down to the bottom of the ocean, okay.
Okay, okay.
You know what? I'm gonna-I'm gonna take it, I'm gonna put it in the ocean.
I'm gonna put it in the Marianas Trench.
No one is going to find this bitch.
Trust me.
- Okay, but you can't tell Steve.
- I won't.
No, I'm serious.
You can't.
Like when you're lying in bed tonight and he's like, Hey babe, how was your day? Did anyone tell you a secret? And you're so touched that he checked in that you want to reward him for being a good boyfriend.
Do not tell him.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what? Um-um I'll just give him a quick handy instead.
He's out for the night.
What is it? Okay.
Okay.
You swear? - I swear on my mother's grave.
- CAROLYN: You don't like your mother.
Swear on your father's grave.
Okay, you know what? I do like my father, but I will kill him, bury him and swear on his grave.
- What is it? - Okay.
I, um, (CLEARS THROAT) I slept with Jason in HR.
Oh, I knew that already.
- Jason told everyone.
- What? MEREDITH: Yeah, he said that you were a screamer.
And he was like, ahhhhh.
Oh that's nice, thank you so much.
That's reflects on Jason.
Not on you.
That's just really weird because then when you slept with me, you were more like, Oh god, more.
I just want to, oh.
Yeah, you said it was like, ooh, oooh.
- Give it to me.
- Yeah.
- Ahhhhh! - Ahhhh! And all I did was very nicely ask him if he would stop explaining cryptocurrency to me.
And for some reason he was super offended.
Oh, that sounds tough.
It was.
It's not my fault I have resting bitch face.
AURORA: No it isn't.
I mean, I have resting bus face.
What's that? AURORA: Well it's this condition where my face makes strangers think that they can sit down next to me and tell me their problems like I'm a therapist.
Like you did just now.
Wow.
You're kind of a bitch.
And yet no one can tell from my face.
Bye person I don't know.
(AURORA SIGHS) Sorry.
It's just that my boyfriend, he broke up with me on a silent retreat when he knew, he knew I couldn't say anything.
Yeah, that sounds tough.
I also have bunions.
The #MeToo movement has put a spotlight on the deep rooted problem of sexual harassment and assault.
Men are now feeling uncomfortable working with women.
- Mhm, mhm.
- Yep.
What can we do to help the situation? Let's be part of the solution.
Guys, come on, roll up your sleeves.
I want to brainstorm here.
Anybody? Grant? Ah, no more one-on-one meetings, only slack channel.
(AFFIRMATIVE CHATTER) Ah, ah! You don't need hands, guys.
Just shout it out.
Ellie.
Uh, okay, uh, uh, no eye contact.
If you see them in the hall, just turn and face a wall.
BOSS: Good.
Oh! Leave a trail of breadcrumbs outside the office door that leads right outside the building and then lock the door.
GRANT: Women love breadcrumbs.
(OVERLAPPING TALKING) GRANT: Hire animals instead.
Wombats and Eagles! Marsupials are awesome! Hey, there's no rule that says you can't hire a dog to work at an insurance firm.
Could be tricky but I'm gonna write it down.
ELLIE: No aphrodisiacs in the office.
So that means no chocolate or oysters.
Dammit! - Ah.
- Oh, sorry.
Oh oh, what do you do when you need to keep a bear away from a camp? Do that.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, no, no, no.
We'll collect their menstrual blood and we'll sprinkle it around the perimeter of the building 'cause they won't cross it if it's not theirs.
MAN: Yeah! BOSS: Bells! We make them wear bells! (EVERYONE CHEERS) (CHANTING) Bells, bells, bells, bells! Wait! Wait, guys! Wait! Wait! What if we just changed our behaviour? I? Or, we could have a blue angel contest.
(AFFIRMATIVE CHEERING) Two, one! Ooooh! (CHEERING) (AIR HORN BLARING) Ah! Oh my gosh.
(BELLS RINGING) Hiya, there you go, hiya.
It's okay, come on.
It's okay, come on.
Uh, what's this all about then? Oh, I just told Art his hugs couldn't last longer than five seconds.
Ah.
(ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ I'm sure you've all seen the papers this morning.
Our company is in trouble.
Someone has been talking to the press and my guess is we have a whistleblower.
Oh god.
(WHISTLES) Jeez, listen.
(WHISTLES) I don't (WHISTLES) want to say anything.
Um, (WHISTLES) but uh, Steve, (WHISTLES) he's not here today.
So these two with their glasses, (WHISTLING) very suspicious.
Very suspicious.
Just (LONG WHISTLE) Something to think about.
Okay.
Judy, you make an excellent point.
Uh, we'll fire those two.
We'll fire the four of you just to be on the safe side.
You at the end, you can stay and Judy you're promoted.
(WHISTLING TRIUMPHANT TUNE) (SOMBRE MUSIC) CAROLYN: Oh no.
Is Sandra speaking? No, no, she's a horrible public speaker.
She's a wreck in front of crowds.
She's been taking some improv classes to help her confidence.
She'll be great.
You'll see.
You think so? Okay.
Mom was the best mother and a loving wife.
But what many people don't know is that, even though she was a housewife, she always dreamed of becoming And can I get an occupation? Any occupation at all? Oh my god, is she doing improv? SANDRA: Any occupation? Florist! - SANDRA: I heard florist.
- I don't know.
Thank you, ma'am, I heard florist.
Mom always wanted to be a florist.
Okay, and uh, can I get, uh, some kind of emotion, like sadness or anger? Any kind of emotion? Astonishment.
Astonishment! I'll take astonishment.
Uh, and now we're going to hear the story of the astonished florist.
And uh, can I get a style of music? Anyone? Jazz.
Jazz! Oh, I dream of being a florist ♪ 'Cause this life is just the boringest ♪ You should go and get a ♪ a sign.
And that's the song about being a florist.
Um, thank you very much, everybody.
Um, thank you for coming.
Yes.
And (SLOW AWKWARD CLAPPING) Is, um, Colin Mochrie up next or? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) DEFENCE: Your Honour, Doug Matthews couldn't have killed his wife.
The security tape clearly shows that he was at Objection, Your Honour.
The security tape wasn't entered into evidence.
DEFENCE: His supervisor says he was there and PROSECUTOR: Objection, Your Honour! Hearsay.
Councillors, approach.
(SIGHS) JUDGE: Look, this is a criminal trial, so we don't have time for this, but who does he look like? I know, right? God, it's been driving me crazy.
Is it a singer or is it an actor? DEFENCE: Oh oh oh oh, uh, who's the guy from CSI? Oh, uh, uh, William Peterson.
DEFENCE: The other one? Gary Sinise? No, it's the, um, it's the guy who sang the theme song.
- Roger Daltrey? - Yeah.
What? Excuse me, Your Honour.
- Um - (CLEARS THROAT) What about a young William Hurt? Oh, closer, but that's not it.
Uh, Your Honour? JUDGE: Mr.
Matthews, please refrain from commenting.
Is it somebody more famous like Harrison Ford? I'm sorry.
Is this a joke? Oooh, joke, joke.
Oh, that's it.
That's it.
It's a funny, it's a funny guy.
It's the movie about the, um, news? It's Anchorman, the anchorman.
(OVERLAPPING TALKING) Will Ferrell! Will Ferrell! Will Ferrell! Guilty! What? - What a relief.
- Okay.
That's unfortunate.
Wooo.
What's that? Why didn't you object? Well you really do look like him.
No, it's true.
It is really uncanny.
Hey, I told you to wear a white shirt.
What does the shirt have to do with it? Can I just get a photo with you or? PROSECUTOR: Oh that's a great idea.
What have you been up to? MEREDITH: Oh well, life's been super busy.
But um, I did manage to read five books this week.
- AURORA: Five books!? - Yeah.
Oh my god, you're amazing.
Oh no, I'm not.
I just download an audiobook to an MP3 and then I read it while I'm like cooking or cleaning, doing dishes, watching TV.
I don't know what to say.
- I love to read.
- You're incredible.
MEREDITH: Oh stop it.
Well, I wouldn't exactly say that she's incredible.
Excuse me? Well, I just mean she's not really reading five books a week.
I-I did.
I-I read five books.
You listened to somebody else read five books, but yeah.
Yeah, that's the same things.
(GIGGLES) Yeah.
It's uh, it's not the same thing.
It's the same thing.
So, uh, what books did you read? I, um, I read Seasick by Alana Mitchell.
I hear it's amazing.
It's a heavy read but I managed to keep doing the dishes.
Good, because you're incredible.
Oh, my, no, stop.
What else? CAROLYN: Don't tell me Proust while you were doing your taxes? Seriously, just ignore her.
CAROLYN: Or, um, oh let me guess, Tolstoy while you were pruning the garden? Or, uh, Crime and Punishment while you're driving the kids to silks practice? What do you care what she reads and when she reads it? - It has nothing to do - Well she's not really reading.
Listening, when she's listening.
No, I don't care what she listens to.
Listening to someone to read you a story is a little different than actually reading a book.
They're two different things.
Just let's not call it reading.
Am I right? Am I right? Like, you know what reading is.
And listening to an audiobook while that's still a fine experience, it's just not reading.
My friend here has a degenerative macular eye condition and she has such little time left to enjoy even the simplest of colours, much less the luxury of a paperback novel.
In fact, every time that she reads something, even by accident, her time to see goes down.
So maybe you need to expand your definition of what reading is.
Why don't you just keep on gatekeeping us and everybody else in this cafe? - It's okay.
- No it isn't.
You know what? Let's go.
I'm having a, you know, I just don't Sure, I just need drops.
I need (STAMMERING) Here, let me get your glasses.
Oh god.
Could you help me with those? Here, I'll just, just, I want you to avoid this wall 'cause there's a menu on it.
- So don't even - Alright.
Okay, here, let me get you Just watch the edge of the table there.
MEREDITH: It's nice meeting you.
AURORA: It wasn't.
Anybody here actually read? Fountainhead's a great book.
Ayn Rand.
I mean, come on everyone.
Am I right? Sorry, I didn't hear you.
I was reading.
Okay.
Okay.
Fuck my life.
Okay.
(SIGH) Hey, Annie.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, how's it going? - I'm pretty good, yeah.
- Good, good.
I'm-I'm so sorry to intrude and I don't know if it's any of my business but I heard that you, like, really lost your shit this morning.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So I thought I'd help out and got ya this to help make up for it.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Uh - Anyway, you don't have to thank me or whatever I totally know you'd do the same for me if I ever lost mine, so.
You know, we support each other.
I had a big morning and had plenty to spare.
Anyway, take care, okay.
Thank you.
Ah.
CO-WORKER: I gotcha, girl.
I gotcha.
I might even have some more at lunch.
(ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ All right, here we go.
Girls' night out! (CHEERING) God, I have been looking forward to this all week.
- Right? - Yeah.
It's time for the girls to get the F out.
- Woo! - Yeah.
To the girls.
Alright, out, out, out, out, out.
Goodbye, goodbye.
Bye! Get out.
CHILD: I don't want to go to another sleepover.
Yes you do.
Yes you do.
We'll have them back in the morning.
Okay.
Women's night in! (CHEERING) Alright, now where's the cheesecake? Yes, we need that.
JOSIE: Yeah, and like rain on your wedding day isn't ironic, you know? I know, like somebody get her a dictionary.
(COUGHING) I know, right.
(COUGHING) - Everything alright? - Yeah.
(COUGHS) (COUGHING) Oh.
Blood.
Jesus Christ, Josie.
Oh, no, no, it's fine.
I totally forgot I had beets yesterday.
What? No.
JOSIE: Oh yeah, I'm always doing that thing where, you know, you cough up beets and you think it's blood, typical Josie.
CO-WORKER: No, no, that's-that's not the thing with beets.
Did you know that "You Oughta Know" might be about Dave Coulier? I think we should go to the hospital.
If that's true.
Dave Coulier, lucky guy.
CO-WORKER: Sweetheart, the beets thing that's for the downstairs stuff like the-the out.
Oh yeah, that's happening too.
CO-WORKER: Oh shit, okay.
Well we're going now.
- Yeah, yeah, you just leave that.
- Alright.
- (GASPS) Wait! - Whoa.
I got it.
The whole song is ironic because nothing in it's ironic.
- Okay just go, go, go, go.
- I feel much better now.
Yes, okay, good.
Good.
It's getting dark around the edges of my vision.
Oh shit! Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! (FESTIVE MUSIC) (BACKGROUND CHATTERING) Okay, well.
SALLY: It smells delicious.
I cannot wait to dig in.
I can't either.
FATHER: But before we do, how 'bout we have our guests lead us in prayer? - Sally? - Oh my goodness me.
I just, I'm not really religious.
I didn't grow up with that.
You do it.
You all know what you're doing here.
FATHER: Oh no no, here's the thing, we don't care if you believe or what you believe.
In this house, we appreciate the views and ideas of our different guests.
So that's why we always have the guests do the prayer.
SALLY: It's just that, um, the new boyfriend Jeremy should have told me that before I met his family for the first time.
- He didn't mention that.
- Okay.
It's my fault.
It's always your fault.
Well from the heart.
SALLY: Okay.
Sure.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
Okay.
You are, okay.
Um, Dear Lord, I thank you for this wonderful meal.
And for these gracious people for having me in their home.
I feel so welcomed by my boyfriend's family - FATHER: Amen.
- His awesome, cool I'm going to get into it.
I can do better.
I can do better.
His awesome, cool family.
You guys are super cool.
And thank you.
So I just, you know what? Great I need to speak to God right now for you 'cause I'm going to show you that I can do this and you're going to see this, great Lord.
Yeah.
Or great lady or Vishna or Buddha or Allah or anyone really like who's up there or down there.
I'm talking about 666.
You know the number of the beast.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
That's too much.
But maybe he's just misunderstood.
Maybe Satan's a really good guy.
Actually, can I tell you all something right now? A lot of wars were started by religion and that is just a fact.
I'm just getting going.
I really feel good about this.
Thank you for letting me speak.
This bread is his body.
- Amen.
- No.
It's a bit big.
Sorry, and wine is his blood.
And the salt is his dandruff and we eat that.
So you be shouldn't be embarrassed by yours.
You know what this is Aunt Terry? - Jesus's penis.
- No, no, no, no.
- Oh my god.
- I shouldn't have said- No I just Oh no! Glad I met your mom.
♪ (OFF-TUNE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC) I'm glad I met your dad ♪ Jesus is hot.
You know who else is hot? Mary, 'cause I'm fluid.
Let's just be open.
This is a Holy Trinity that I can get behind - Jesus, Mary and me.
Yes.
- No no no no no.
- No, you're just - Those were Nana's.
I'm sorry, is this still part of the prayer? SALLY: Yes.
Devilled eggs ♪ (OFF-TUNE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC) Devilled eggs are they good or are they bad? ♪ Does anybody want to have Christmas dinner? Oh, I do.
Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
FATHER: Well this isn't a confession.
SALLY: So I took a poo at a guy's house.
Oh lord.
That guy over there.
And I didn't flush because I jumped in the shower right after.
Baby, tell them how big it was with my hands.
- Tell me when to stop.
- Oh you don't have to do that.
How big, was it this big? JEREMY: Stop.
It was like a four coiler.
- It was.
- Oh my god.
- Devilled eggs again ♪ - Do not sing with her, no.
Devilled eggs, devilled eggs ♪ I would like you to leave now, please.
When did I lose you? It was the poo thing.
No, it was way before that.
Way before that?