Black-ish (2014) s05e11 Episode Script

1 DRE: Parenting.
Some people think you've got to read books or go to lectures to be good at it.
Those people like to waste their time and money.
See, Bow and I have parenting down.
For example, Junior's supposed to be on this new track of finding himself.
The only thing he's found is how to run up my daytime electric bill.
So I'll laugh politely and then say Hey, Junior.
In a month, I'm kicking you out of my house.
And Bow is doing her thing.
This week, she pulled back on the twins' screen time.
And what happened? "All right.
So they got A's on their English test.
Well, I mean, Jack got a C.
" But for Jack, that's an A.
Yep.
- We've got parenting on lock.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
We're ready for anything.
[BEEP.]
- Hey, June Bug.
- What up, cuzzo? Hey, before you say anything, I do not want any more Herbalife, okay? Because I am never going to be a distributor.
You see, that attitude right there that's why you got the sugars right now.
Actually, it's about Kyra.
It's your turn to take her in.
- Wait, what? - Well, she'll be there tomorrow.
I'm putting her in an Uber, but my card might not work, so make sure you have some cash on your side.
- H-Hey, but - Going through a tunnel! - [BEEPING.]
- [SIGHS.]
June Bug.
He's sending us Kyra tomorrow.
Please tell me that Kyra is a new flavor of Herbalife.
That would be too easy.
So cousin Kyra's gonna come stay with us.
- Mm-hmm.
- When was the last time we saw her? I don't know.
It's been years.
Yeah, she's 16 now.
- Whew.
- Been bouncing from house to house ever since her mother went to prison.
- Ugh, poor girl.
- Yeah.
I remember my mom went to a silent yoga retreat for a weekend, and I was I was a mess.
- Oh, you get it.
- Yes.
Yeah, but when she gets here, could you not talk to her? Because you don't get it.
Okay, let me just ask.
Mm-hmm? What happens if we don't do this? I don't know.
She'll probably go in the system.
- Oh, no.
- Babe, it's it's not great.
All right, no.
We We We are doing this.
- Okay.
- DIANE: Doing what? - So - Mm-hmm.
- Kyra arrives tomorrow - Yep.
Mm-hmm.
and we are putting her in Zoey's room.
And trust me, you guys.
- You're gonna love Kyra.
- Mm-hmm.
- Any questions? - Yeah, I have one.
Who the heck is Kyra? You've been saying Kyra like we're supposed to - know who Kyra is.
- You know Kyra.
Ramona's daughter.
From Compton, got arrested for shoplifting.
- BOTH: What? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that supposed to be a secret? DRE: Guys, it wasn't that serious.
It's still a prior arrest.
And now she can get her second and third strike here at our house.
Guys, we are at capacity.
Look around.
Does the fire department know how many people live here? 'Cause I'll call.
Are you listening to yourselves? You sound spoiled and selfish.
- Yeah.
- They sound smarter than you.
Best case scenario, this criminal robs us while we sleep.
Worst case scenario, she robs us while we're awake.
More stabbing involved.
- Pops! - Okay, guys, enough! All right, Kyra is a good girl.
- Yeah.
- She's just gone through some bad things.
All right, we've got to believe in people.
- Yeah.
- [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Do we? Oh, I know you're not supposed to have a favorite grandchild, but this one is solid.
Do none of you have any compassion? Well, I for one like that a troubled youth is coming, okay? It puts us in a real-life "Blind Side" situation.
- Huh? - If Sandy Bullock has shown us anything, it is that tough love can really change a black kid's life.
He is tempting me to change my mind.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- But he is right.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is happening.
Yes, it is.
- We are incredible parents.
- Yes, we are.
And this is a wonderful family, and we got this, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- And we're gonna kill it.
Love you like my daughter, Rainbow.
But you're lying to these children.
Wow.
Hey, Dre.
Why so happy? - Yeah.
- Oh, did they just free Mumia? No, but I'm doing my part to make it better.
My cousin's daughter Kyra's coming to live with us.
- Ah.
- Oh.
Whoa.
Ah, I admire your sense of goodwill.
Now, does this charity extend to a beloved co-worker whose house may or may not be rented out for an adult film trilogy? That That's where you eat, man.
Yes, it is.
Dre, seriously.
Why are you adding kids to your home, hmm? You should be removing them.
Look, boarding schools exist so that our children can be raised by professionals, as God intended.
Yeah, I went to boarding school, and I hardly ever cry when I shower anymore.
Look, Dre.
You're not really taking on this kid, right? Of course I am.
- [SIGHS.]
- This is a privilege.
To take care of our own, that's what we do, ever since the Great Migration, when our people had to leave the Deep South to escape oppression.
The only way we were able to do that is if our relatives took us in.
Well, that that's great, boss.
In theory.
See, I let my cousin stay with me, and he crushed me.
- What happened? - He stole my identity, and now my credit score is eight.
Well, look.
I'm not worried about it because she's just a kid.
Oh, well, that's better.
I mean, except for the fact that she is emotionally damaged, financially dependent upon you, and you're liable for any crime she commits.
You know what? I'm just gonna do my best, and if it doesn't work out Ah, it's gonna work out.
You're gonna kill it.
Soon, all your relatives will be dropping their kids off to you until your pass-around kids outnumber your real kids.
Sick of it, Bow will then leave you.
You'll probably lose the house feeding and clothing all those kids, but you'll be celebrated on a Black History Month stamp and then die at the age of 51.
Packed funeral, though.
I'll be there.
With Bow.
[WHISPERING.]
Bow Telphy.
I don't want to lose my wife or my house.
I don't want to be on a Black History stamp, and my credit score's the best thing about me! I don't want to do this! Damn it, why can't I turn my back on my family like the white man does? JOSH: Dre.
There's still time.
Bow, we cannot do this, all right?! We are not accepting anybody else into this house! I want everybody to act like the Jehovah Witnesses are outside! Turn off the lights and turn off the TV because Kyra is gonna have to take care of Kyra.
- RAINBOW: Dre? Dre? - Hmm? Kyra's here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey Kyra.
Why are you, uh Why do you have that look on your face? Hmm? You know Will somebody please say something? You are ridiculous, son.
So we just want to say again - that we're so happy - Yeah.
- that you are staying with us.
- Mm-hmm.
And ignore everything that that he said.
Well, you know, my sugars were low.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
No, I get it.
Everybody's nervous.
- You haven't seen me in years.
- Mm-hmm.
- And now I'm living here.
- Yeah.
For all you know, I'm gonna have my friends run up in here and rob the place.
- Huh? - What? N Okay, so we're not in a joking place yet.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, that's funny.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, that was a [LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
That's a joke! - Okay, come on.
- It's hilarious.
- Come on.
Let's go.
- Okay.
Come on, sweetheart.
This is, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
This is where you're gonna stay.
Right in here.
Yep.
This, uh This is your room.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Wow.
This is really nice.
Okay, well, get yourself settled in, and I'll go downstairs and get the rest of your stuff.
- Yeah.
- This backpack is it.
A couple years ago, I stayed in a shelter for a bit, and all my stuff got stolen.
- Oh, my God.
- Turns out, I love to travel light.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
Bow, I don't think that was a joke.
- That one wasn't a - No, I'm serious.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dre, all she has is that - that one sad, little backpack.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Yeah, I know.
Poor little girl.
- My "Poor little girl"? - Mm-hmm.
Five minutes ago, you were ready to throw her out on the street.
I'm not a good person, Bow.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Hurt people hurt people.
- Oh, I know.
- She has nothing.
She knows nobody.
She probably doesn't even know when her own birthday is.
[GASPS.]
We've really got to go all out.
- Yeah, we do.
- Dre, we've got to we've got to shower her with love, hugs, and Forget love.
She needs stuff.
- Stuff? - Have you seen her shoe game? - No.
- She's not showing it, but it's probably killing her on the inside.
You think that's what she's dying on the inside about? - Mm-hmm.
- Not about the fact that her mother's in jail? Well, at least her mother has a release date.
- Oh, my God.
- No telling how long she's not gonna be fresh.
[SIGHS.]
JACK: Man, Kyra posts a lot of inspirational quotes.
- Hmm.
- "Be your own boyfriend"? - Something happened.
- Mm.
Yeah.
- Like murder.
- Yeah.
What are you guys doing? Oh, stalking our cousin Kyra on Instagram.
Yeah, she just moved in with us, and she might be dangerous.
- Mm.
- Let me see.
Okay.
You think the girl with the braces and the bunny-filter selfies is dangerous? Maybe you're just scared of black people.
Hey, watch it, Glasses.
I'm just saying she looks like your everyday, cute, pretty, super-foxy, possibly available teenager.
Okay, dude.
We get it.
You're going through puberty.
Whatever.
That girl's harmless.
Maybe she is just normal.
Here she is with her friends at the beach.
- Beach pic? - Yeah.
A one-piece? Dude, don't waste my time.
Good morning, Kyra.
Welcome to your second chance.
How long have you been waiting there? Your whole life.
But for real, 22 minutes.
I'm gonna be your bridge from urban life to suburban life.
I got you this.
It's for you to write down your thoughts, feelings, poetry.
That book will be something you leave behind that says you were here.
This is what happened.
You matter.
- I appreciate this.
- Mm-hmm.
I think that's a lady's jacket.
Uh Just remember it's not your fault! I will say that as many times as it takes! [SIGHS.]
Got her.
Hey.
Hey, there.
- Hey.
- So, um, made a little breakfast.
Got, um Okay, we've got, uh, pancakes.
- Mm-hmm.
- Pancakes.
And I made bacon.
- Irish scones, English muffins.
- Mm-hmm.
Just bread from every country, and holler if you want some challah! - [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Had my coffee.
- Thanks, - but I don't usually eat breakfast.
- Oh? If I get hungry, I just grab something - from the vending machine at school.
- Well, it's too much sugar.
- That's too much sugar.
- Okay, no, no, no.
Well, here, then.
Um, why don't you, uh vending machine.
- Here, just take the $20.
- Yeah.
Y-You know? No, just give me that.
Just take a $50.
You know what? Take $100.
You know what? Just Just take it all.
You know, just just make it rain Skittles at school.
- I'm good.
- Okay.
- Oh.
- This is yours.
Okay.
Um, I've got to go before I miss my bus.
Oh, no.
Just Uh, let me drive you.
- Are you kidding me? Oh, it's so easy.
- Mm-hmm.
Easy.
It's like home, Compton, hospital.
It's like blip! It's fine.
- Are you sure? - I'll see you tonight.
- Here, hold on.
Let me - I-I'll see you tonight.
- Do you want to take a take a - I'll see you tonight.
All right.
Okay.
Well, you know what? Um, I'll just leave this loose money in your room! Maybe the croissant for later.
Why did you scare her off with this weirdo breakfast? - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Me?! Kids from the hood don't eat granola.
- There's so much - We don't have fluoride in our water.
We can't chew it.
And you're just gonna throw money at her - and make her love you? - I'm a powerful man.
- That's what I do.
- Okay.
Did we Did we Did we do too much? Of course we did too much.
I tried to give her $9,000.
- We have five kids, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- We We know how to do this.
- Yeah, we do.
Let's just treat her like one of our kids.
And not just like any one of them, you know, o-one of the ones we like.
- We like all of our kids, Dre.
- Oh, yeah? Speak for yourself.
So the plan was we would treat Kyra like one of our kids.
Only problem was, some of our kids were acting like they lost their damn minds.
Been spending most their lives - Living in the gangsta's paradise - What's that? - What are you ? - [SCOFFS.]
Oh.
Oh.
What are you doing? Just wanted to let Kyra know [AS SEAN CONNERY.]
"You're the man now, dawg.
" Get your ass out of here and take your mama's jacket off.
JACK: Guys, she doesn't need to be saved anyway.
She's cool.
Yeah, one of her hair-braiding videos got liked by Michelle Obama.
You two should not be stalking Kyra.
We are not stalking her.
"Karen Miller" is stalking her.
- Who's Karen Miller? - That's our Finstagram.
We have a fake Instagram? Uh, yeah.
I've been using, "This is Jack Johnson.
" This is why I work alone! Guys, put the phones down.
We need to treat Kyra like a member of our family, which she is.
Mm-hmm.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- So put put Hello.
- Oh, hey.
Hello, Kyra.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, there.
Yeah, and look at that.
And you brought a You brought a f-f-friend.
Hello.
Okay, well, that's fine.
I mean, we love it.
- Our kids bring friends all the time.
- Mm-hmm.
It's If you just let us know, we can put make a little plate.
[CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, we're cool with that.
Aren't you? - Yeah, we're cool, aren't we? - Yeah Yeah.
As soon as I find out if that face tat is real.
- It is.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Impressive.
- Did that hurt? - Oh.
- No? - Cool.
Everybody, this is my girl, Stunts.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you mind if she stays for dinner? - No.
Not at all.
Nope.
- No.
I heard y'all got hella bread.
- [CHUCKLING.]
We do.
- Oh, yes.
- Holler if you want some - Hey, okay, hey.
- challah! - Aah, no, baby.
No, I ate it.
You got another name? 'Cause I'm not calling you "Stunts.
" My government name is Susan.
Hate to admit it.
You look more like a Stunts.
I'm gonna go guard my belongings.
For no reason at all.
So Mason just couldn't stop bragging about wearing boxers.
- And then his doctor said that - Okay.
- he had to wear the boxers.
- Okay.
Okay.
- That guy.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
Oh, that guy, yeah.
Okay.
Anybody else want to tell us about their day? - Mm.
- Anybody? - Anybody? - Kyra? Nah, I'm good.
DRE: Come on, Kyra.
You know, say something.
This is how we catch up with our kids.
Oh, tell them about when the math teacher clowned you.
- [SCOFFS.]
- For what? Mr.
Fisher's stupid.
I got a question wrong, so he said I'm lucky I'm pretty.
- Oh, my.
- Oh.
It's not a big deal.
Well, yeah, it is.
I mean, he can't do that.
Yeah, that's not a compliment.
Look, every urban success story needs a white authority figure who, you know, just doesn't see their greatness.
Mr.
Fisher's black.
Oh, then I got nothing.
Did you ever? I was cooking with a little something at the beginning.
Thank y'all for dinner.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
And you know what? You are welcome here anytime.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Anytime.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, and, Kyra, you no longer have to worry about Mr.
Fisher.
- Did he die? - What? He was really old.
Maybe we'll get the day off.
No.
No, no, no.
- Um, we e-mailed the school.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Because it's not okay for him to talk to you that way.
You really didn't have to do that.
It's okay.
One of my favorite things to do as an adult is scream at public employees.
Mm-hmm.
He's very good at it.
Okay.
I'm gonna walk Stunts to the bus.
- Okay.
- Baby, baby! - Bye, guys! - Mm-hmm.
Walk safe.
[LAUGHS.]
We did so good.
Are you kidding me? She blended right into our family.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Arguably better than Junior.
Now, I'm gonna put Raisinets in our popcorn this evening because we deserve it.
Yes, we have.
- Yes, my bearded lover.
- Okay.
All right.
- Mm! - Oh, mine's good.
Uh, what are we waiting for? Mmm.
Kyra.
She'll be back in 20 minutes.
[GROANS.]
- - Um - [SIGHS.]
- Do you think she's lost? I mean, you know, all these houses look the same in the dark.
Takes time to see which one of these houses has an ADT sign out front, Rainbow.
Pops, please.
I-I'm a little worried, Dre.
- - Well, she's with Stunts.
I mean, how much trouble can they actually get into? You're better than this, Rainbow.
- - All right, look.
I I I checked the bus stop and drove around the block and nothing.
You know, I'm gonna call June Bug.
- Yeah, and it keeps going to voice mail.
- [BEEP.]
Hey, June Bug! Kyra's missing, man! Oh, right.
Yeah, I forgot to tell you, man, she's a runner.
Oh, my God.
You okay, cuz? Look like you living that stressed-out life.
- You need to be living that Herba - [BEEPING.]
I can't believe she ran away.
It really seems like something June Bug should have warned us about.
I mean, she could be anywhere.
Don't worry, guys.
We can track her on Instagram.
She went private, thanks to "This is Jack Johnson.
" Okay, we don't know that she knew it was me.
I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.
What are you talking about? She's probably gone back to the bullet-riddled, gang-infested streets of her youth, trying to decide between the life she's always known and the life that she doesn't quite yet understand.
I'm gonna go down there and get her.
And you can't stop me! Even if you try! - I won't.
- Oh, my God.
Guys, I said "bullet-riddled.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.
Do you see how much red I'm wearing? Mom? I [SIGHS.]
Fine.
I guess you're ready to lose two kids tonight.
Junior, don't you even think about leaving this house.
Oh.
Oh, God bless you, Pops.
Thank you so much.
Look, guys.
It's late.
We're not gonna have movie night, so why don't everybody just go get ready for bed? Go.
I'm a grown-ass man.
You can't tell me to go to bed.
But I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.
Good night, Pops.
- Good night.
- Night, Pops.
Bow, a girl that young does not need to be out this late.
I agreed.
I mean, we were gonna watch a movie.
Everything was fine, and look what happened.
You know, she's she's bounced from house to house, and we're expecting her to fold right in, and and have everything go smoothly in two days.
I guess we just pushed her too hard again.
Maybe we did.
I don't know.
I mean, what were we supposed to do? [GROANS.]
This is so much harder than I thought it was gonna be.
[SIGHS.]
Maybe we don't know what we're doing, Dre.
I mean, we have five kids, but we've never done this.
So what do we do? Okay.
- Let's sit her down.
- Mm-hmm? And have a calm conversation about - what our expectations are.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, my God! - Hey, Where the hell were you? - Dre.
What he means is, - "Where the hell were you?" - I needed some air.
Everything you guys were doing was stressing me out.
- W - Okay, okay, okay, okay.
We get it, all right? But, Kyra, we were worried about you.
Yeah, what you did won't work here.
We need to know where you are.
I'm sorry, but you guys were just being so extra.
Uh, okay.
Look.
Even though we did too much, we're gonna do whatever we need to do to look out for you.
And, Kyra, we have rules.
Sometimes, we're gonna call your teachers.
And if you slam your bedroom door, - I remove your bedroom door.
- Uh, it's Okay.
Well, I'll I'll stop him from doing that.
- But she can't stop me.
- I'll take the hammer.
Take the hammer.
I got a screwdriver.
- Well, I'll take that, too.
- Okay, well, then, I'll pull it off with my bare hands.
- I don't think he's strong enough.
- Okay.
I know this is a lot, but if you give us some time, we'll figure it out.
I know we're not your parents, but we really care what happens to you.
I get it.
And that's really sweet and really nice.
You know, if you want to drive me on your home-Compton-hospital route, I wouldn't say no.
It's my favorite route.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SLOW CLAPPING.]
What are you doing? So you're having the heart to heart without me.
I do all the work.
You swoop in at the end to take all the credit.
- I [SIGHS.]
- Hmm.
You know who's not the man now? - Mnh-mnh.
- [AS SEAN CONNERY.]
You, dawgs.
I am usually on your side, Junior.
- Oh, my God.
I can't - [THUD.]
Oh.
Yeah.
Careful.
Parenting.
Some people think you've got to read books or go to lectures to be good at it.
Turns out, we probably should have done both of those things.
- After 19 years of parenting - [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
Bow and I are still learning that it's constantly a work in progress.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
But the one thing we know for sure is, you never let anything interrupt your family dinner.