Buffy the Vampire Slayer s05e11 Episode Script

Previously on ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer'': We had to hide the Key.
Made it human and sent it to you.
Dawn.
- OK, your mom's in recovery.
- ls she all right? l think your mother's going to be fine.
- l wanna show you something.
- Harder.
Buffy.
l've given you everything that l have.
My heart, my body and soul.
l just don't feel it.
They want me back, Buffy.
The military.
l'm leaving tonight.
Riley! You ever have that feeling where there's something to do and you forgot what it was? Nope.
l've been having that feeling and l just realised what it was.
Three weeks ago Riley asked me to borrow a Crescent wrench.
l keep having this feeling l'm supposed to give it to him.
That's not going to happen unless he comes back.
You know, not to get the Crescent wrench.
Just to come back.
l just mean, sometimes l sort of forget that he's gone.
lt's, like, ''Where's Riley?'' ''Oh, wait, the Central Republic of Where-ln-The-Hell.
'' Xander? lf you ever decide to go, l want a warning.
You know, big flashing red lights and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie, and there's a bunch of coloured wires, and l'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but l guess the green one, then at the last second ''No.
Red.
'' And then it stops with three tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave.
- Like that, OK? - Check.
Big bomb clock.
Come here.
Maybe it's her.
Well, maybe it won't happen to us because it's all about her messing things up.
She couldn't make it work with Angel, and then she let Riley go away.
Yeah, relationship debris is kind of piling up on the Buffy highway.
Humans make the same mistakes over and over.
l saw it when l was a vengeance demon.
Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me, l exact vengeance, blah, blah, blah.
The nextyear, same girl, different guy.
After you smite a few of'em you start going ''My goodness, young lady.
'' ''Maybe you're doing something wrong here too.
'' l don't think it's a pattern with her.
No, it's just You know, nowthat it happened again, man number two, l wonder how she's dealing with it.
- Sister Abigail, the choir is ready.
- Thank you.
What was that? He looked like a demon.
Yeah, he did.
Are you OK? - Yeah, l think so.
- Here.
So, about being a nun.
You know, with the whole abjuring the company of men.
How's that working for you? The abjuring.
Good.
Yeah.
Do you have to be super-religious? - Well - How's the food? All right.
Switch.
Left lead.
You thinkthey might be able to help us? lf you mean are they gonna help us find out something about Glory l sawthat coming.
You're dropping your shoulder.
The resources that the Watchers' Council have at its disposal - The Central Library alone is just - Don't talk about the books again.
You get all And sometimes there's drool.
l'm sorry, but we've exhausted the materials l have here, and we're coming up empty.
You're still dropping your shoulder.
l can see when you're going to go with your right.
You're doing it again.
Sorry.
So, Glory's all you're gonna talkto them about, right? - Let's take a break.
- Answer me.
l'm not going to mention Dawn's name.
l wouldn't do that, l promise.
Butyou're gonna tell them about the Key? That Glory's looking for something called the Key? Well, knowing her goal is crucial.
l mean, if anything helps them uncover her origins, her plans l know.
lt's just, l trust these watchers about as far as you could throwthem.
Thank you very much.
l'm freaked about the idea of giving them any information that could lead them to Dawn.
Truly, Buffy, if l saw an alternative lf the lnitiative were still around, l'd consider using them, but they're gone, and Riley was the last link we had to the government.
- l'm sorry.
l didn't mean to - lt's OK.
You can say his name.
l'm doing all right.
These things happen.
People break up and they move on.
For a while it feels like the end of the world but, big picture Not so huge.
Not so huge? l just said it feels like the end of the world.
Don'tyou listen? l'm teasing.
Sort of.
l'll be OK.
Well, l do hate to go if you're feeling badly.
Look, if it helps you find out something about Glory, l'm thrilled to have you gone.
You're going away for a week? That's great.
- Yes.
Everybody seems delighted about it.
- l get to run the store, right? You? Well, it's quite a lot for one person to take care of.
The trashmen, for example.
They've been making such a mess in the alley the recycling people can't get in to collect.
- Somebody has to talkto them.
- l can take care of that.
l'm envious, Mr Giles.
A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic.
- Unless you're English.
- Don't worry about the shop.
- We can open, close and deal with everyone.
- We can come by between classes.
Usually l use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different-coloured pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
l said quirky.
Hello.
l work here.
l'll take care of everything.
- Yeah, Anya can do it.
- Thanks, sweetie.
- Well said.
- Yes, well, Anya, while l completely trustyou to take care of the inventory and the money, dealing with people requires a certain finesse.
l have finesse.
l have it coming out of my bottom.
l can completely lie to the health inspector.
l can distract him with coy smiles and bribe him with money and goods.
See there? She'll be great.
Don't worry.
l'll help her take care of everything.
lt'll be shipshape.
Better, it'll be shopshape.
Xander, she's talking to Giles like l'm not here.
Make her stop.
- Perhaps l'd better call the airline.
- l'm trying to help.
Tell her.
- Schedule an earlier flight back.
Excuse me.
- Tell her that l don't need her help.
- So, how goes the slaying? - l killed something in a convent last night.
ln any other room, a frightening declaration.
Here, a welcome distraction.
- Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
- Pretty standard.
Vampire staking.
But l met a nun, and she let me try on her wimple.
OK, now we're backto frightening.
You with the actual clothing, who are you? - Dawn, come look at this.
- ls it hard to recognise me? No more bathrobe.
l looked at it today and there it was, all fuzzy and blue, and l just couldn't stand it any more.
l don't thinkthe rest of us will miss it much.
- lt was getting a little ripe.
- Maybe we should burn it.
- lt would keep the bugs away.
- lt doesn't smell.
Fine, make your funny jokes at the expense of the woman with the hole in her skull.
Let's go.
l think we've tired her out.
- Whatyou doing? - Playing soccer.
Can l hang out in here? Don't touch anything.
- You took down his pictures.
- Yeah.
l think l would've done that sooner.
Like: ''Don't wanna see that face again.
'' lt wasn't like that.
l was never angry with him.
OK, that's a lie.
But it's not like l didn't want to see his face.
l was just starting to kinda like the guy, and then he's gone.
So fast.
lt wasn't really so fast.
Him leaving.
According to everyone who isn't me, it was kind of gradual.
- Does that make it any better? - No.
Because you should have noticed earlier? Stop being insightful.
lt's creepy.
lt hurts.
ln all kinds of horrible ways.
ln the way where l'm furious at him, in the way where l blame myself, in all the little ways l imagine how l could have fixed things.
lt'll get better.
Won't it? l hope so.
Yes.
lt has to.
l'll just keep going like l have been, and every day it'll get a little bit better.
Really? Every day? Not really.
But it'll be better soon.
lt still feels a little sudden to me, with him gone where no one can talkto him.
Butyou never know.
Maybe he'll come back.
Maybe he'll hate the jungle or maybe he'll want to give it another try.
l could say all the things l didn't get to say.
There's somethin' l got to tell you about showing you Riley in that place.
l didn't mean to Anyway, l know you're feeling all betrayed - by him, not me.
l was trying to help, you know.
Not like l made him be there, after all.
Actually trying to help you.
Best intentions.
l mean, pretty state you'd be in, thinkin' things were all right while he's toddlin' halfway round the bend.
l'll insult him if l want to.
l'm the one who's on your side.
Me.
Doin' you a favour, and you bein' dead petty about it.
Me, gettin' nothin' butyour hatred and your venom and You ungrateful bitch.
Buffy, there's somethin' l wanted to tell you.
Good, and hellebore? - lt's up and to the right.
- Hellebore, one of my favourites.
lt's powerful stuff.
l tried to use it to de-ratAmy and it didn't work.
But l think it might have made her really smart.
She keeps giving me these looks like she's planning something.
Rubbing her paws together.
What are you two doing? - We're gonna try out a few spells.
- There's this thing where you create light, and we thought, what if we could make simulated sunlight? Yeah, so there Buffy is, middle of the night, and she finds this whole nest of vamps, and then she just goes ''Presto!'' Only it won't be ''presto'' exactly.
And there's a floating ball of sunlight.
- Vamps get dusty.
- Don't look right at it, though.
That's swell, butyou can't use this stuff.
Giles has only been gone two days and you're already causing trouble.
- You shouldn't do things while he's gone.
- You're the fish.
- What? - The fish in the bowl, in The Cat in the Hat.
He was always saying that the cat shouldn't be there while the mother was out.
- What are you talking about? - A book.
This cat does all this mischief.
lt's so cute.
He balances a bunch of stuff, including that fish in the bowl.
And But don't try it when you're six or you're not allowed to have fish for five years.
You're referencing literature l have no way to be familiar with so that l feel left out, and you're stealing.
l'm not stealing.
l'm just taking things without paying for th - ln what twisted dictionary is that stealing? - Maybe we should just pay.
Anya, Giles would be totally fine with this.
Come on, it'll be fun.
We could show you howto do some stuff.
You could be floatin' pencils by tonight.
Sometimes l miss having powers.
l know what this is.
This is peer pressure.
Any second now you'll make me smoke tobacco and have drugs.
Look how easy.
Don't float the merchandise.
Stop that.
Look at this.
My two favourite girls.
Three favourite girls.
Xander, Willow's stealing.
She's a burglar.
Right.
The cunning, broad-daylight in-front-of-everyone burglar.
Xander, l'm just doing a spell to help Buffy.
Xander, Giles left me in charge.
Tell her.
- Judge Xander requesting a recess.
- You shouldn't pull him into this.
Yeah, see? Tara's with me.
Protect me, Tara.
Xander, what l'm doing, it's a good thing.
And if it doesn't work, Giles never even needs to know about it.
Oops.
The cash resister.
What did you do with it? Dear God.
l'll fix it.
Recursat.
There, all back.
Good as new.
Money.
Did you hurt the money? Money good? She endangered the money.
Of course, that's what she cares about.
''l like money better than people.
'' ''People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services.
'' - She's pretending to be me.
- Can you even believe how she's acting? Know what? l'm tired of being in the middle.
- l won't letyou pull me into this.
- l'm not.
Whatever the issue is between you two, just figure it out without me.
Xander, don't go.
- You made him mad.
- Me? Tara, who do you think he was more mad at? You know, l think maybe you guys have some stuff you need to work out.
You know, just really talk.
- Fleabane.
- 15 cents.
- Salamander eyes.
- Ten bucks for twelve.
Bargain.
- Bindweed.
- That's a pricey one.
Would you stop that? lt's very distracting.
Fine.
Make your little ball of sunshine.
l'll be quiet.
Good, because this spell is very sensitive.
Once l begin, any nonritual word can disrupt it.
Fine.
OK, here we go.
- Did you startyet? - No.
This is it.
Spirits of light, l invoke thee.
Let the gloom of darkness part before you.
Let the moonlight be made pale by your presence.
Spirits ls it done? Spirits of light, grant my wishes.
- l'm sorry.
l thoughtyou were done.
- Do you wanna screwthis up? No.
l'm sure you can do that all on your own.
Anya, whatever really has you mad, why don'tyou just say it, like you do every thought that stomps through your brain? - l believe l have said it.
- No.
You haven't.
Come on.
Let it out.
He's not a ball of sunshine.
New semester, new classes.
Whole new vistas of knowledge to be confused and intimidated by.
l thinkthis one's gonna be fun.
GreekArt is gonna touch on so many things.
- Mythology and history and philosophy - The professor spit too much when he talked.
lt was like being at SeaWorld.
''The first five rows will get wet.
'' That was just enthusiasm.
lt seemed very much like saliva.
- We'll sit farther back next time.
- Good plan.
l need to keep this course.
The only other thing that fits into my schedule is Central American Geopolitics.
And no, thank you.
l even hear the word '' jungle'', and all l can think of is him.
You know, ''ls that the one Riley's in?'' Really don't need a daily two o'clock knife in the heart.
ls it that bad? Sort of.
But l'm starting to get perspective on the whole situation.
Maybe Riley's where he's supposed to be.
Maybe he needed to be where he was needed.
Willow says that things always happen for a reason.
Butyou ever notice people only say that about bad things? But not for me the furrowed brow.
What do you say we go pick up Willow and indulge in an after-school hamburger? We could.
She might still be at the magic shop.
l was there earlier and she and Anya kinda got in this squabble.
Xander and l cleared out.
He was pretty upset.
Anya and Xander are in trouble? No, l said that all wrong.
lt was nothing.
Willow and Anya were fighting, and then Xander snapped at both of them and he left.
He left? Xander leftAnya? No.
Not ''left her'' left her.
He just left.
lt was only a little thing, really.
Little thing? See, the thing is, the little things get bigger, and if you don't catch the little thing, then you have this whole huge thing.
Not them with the little things.
They can't break up.
- l think - They have a beautiful love.
l thinkthey'll be fine.
- They have a miraculous love.
- What? A miraculous love.
That car.
We're still on his trail.
l don't even get how we made that guy because, wow, advanced.
No one made him.
He must have been trapped in that crystal, and you released him.
l released him? No, this was definitely a ''we'' thing.
Or a ''you'' thing.
lt definitely feels like a ''you'' thing.
Look, just find the reversal spell.
And hurry.
Look what he did to that lamppost.
l'm trying.
Put the top up.
The pages are all blowy.
l don't know howto.
l only just figured out what the left pedal does.
lt makes us stop.
You don't know howto drive? Why didn'tyou say? Well, l couldn't know if l could until l tried, could l? This is very, very bad.
There's an ogre on the loose Troll.
- What? - Troll on the loose.
Now hold on.
l'm gonna press the right pedal harder.
l expect us to accelerate.
There's a troll loose and you're gonna crash Giles' car.
lt's likely.
You should have listened to me and not done the spell.
- Giles put me in charge.
- He can be an idiot.
The smart kind, but still.
- Xander agreed.
- Right.
Xander doesn't step out of line.
- Well, what do you mean by that? - Nothing.
- Find that spell quickly.
- That's gone.
Watch it.
lt's you.
Spike, don't let me stop you from not being here.
l was here first, you know.
Go away.
Why would l do that, when it's buggin' you so much having me here? They have chicken wings, too.
Also a sort of a flower-shaped thing made from an onion.
lt's brilliant.
Are you talking to me hoping l'll get so depressed l'll impale myself on a fork? Lovely thought.
lf l don't hurtyou myself, the chip wouldn't zap me.
l could eatyou.
- Beat the onion thing all to hell.
- Those are mine.
My, my.
Someone's in a temper.
This all sympathetic misery borrowed from the Slayer? What? No, nothing to do with Buffy.
So she's all right, then? Not holding grudges? What are you talking about? What does Buffy have to do with anything? What grudges? OK.
No need to talk about it, then.
l'm sure she's merrily slaying some pals of mine, havin' a grand old time.
This is very bad.
Willow? Anya? They're not backthere either.
They're gone.
Buffy, something's been here and Willow's gone.
Don't worry.
We'll get her back, l promise.
Come on, this thing's probably leaving a huge trail.
Puny receptacle.
You do well to flee, townspeople.
l will pillage your lands and dwellings.
l will burn your crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters.
Mark my words.
Ale.
l smell delicious ale.
They get in these fights and they both look at me like l'm the referee.
l'll say something aboutAnya, and Willow'll get this ''what do you see in her?'' look.
l knowthat look.
A lot of people never really got Dru.
Well, she was insane.
Then l get all torn because Willow's my best friend and l really value her opinion, butAnya's my girlfriend.
What does the Slayer think of all this friction in the ranks? - Can't be good for morale.
- l don't know.
She's a little preoccupied, maybe.
lt's understandable, what with all the upset, all that blamin' of innocent bystanders.
- What? - l mean, did she want to be made a fool of? And what does a person have to do to make it right? Watch it, mate.
On second thought, do whatyou like.
Ale.
Yes.
Fragrant ale.
So, think l should run get Buffy? Barmaid.
Bring me stronger ale, and some plump, succulent babies to eat.
l'm gonna run get Buffy.
Or maybe you could fight him.
l could do that, but l'm paralysed with not caring very much.
You there.
Do you know where there are babies? - What do you think? The hospital? - What? Shut up.
- Listen - l find myself very hungry.
- When l'm hungry l grow short of patience.
- Well, we can take care of the ''hungry'', so how's aboutyou just sit down in one of the sturdier chairs and we could have a calm talk and something to eat? - Can it be babies? - Well, not so much.
But maybe some roast pigs and stags and - much hearty grog.
- They've got this onion thing You cannot appease me.
Do not try.
More ale.
Xander.
You shouldn't be here.
There's a troll.
A big guy? Hammer? l think l noticed him.
l wish Buffy was here.
l'm here.
l wish l had a million dollars.
- Just checking.
- What's going on? Where did he come from? Hello, Buffy.
Willow stole ingredients and released him from a purple crystal.
He's a troll.
- You did this? - Me? No, we.
- l mean, us.
Her.
lt's very complex.
- We can stop him.
Willow, do the spell.
- ''Let the conjuring be'' - Stop.
- Nobody lets me finish.
- You told the witch to do that, Anyanka.
You seem determined to put an end to all my fun, just like you always did when we were dating.
You dated him? - You dated a troll? - And we're what? Surprised by this? Well, he wasn't a troll then.
He was just a big dumb guy, and he cheated on me and l made him into a troll, which, by the way, is how l got the job as a vengeance demon.
l did not cheat.
Not in my heart.
lt was only one wench.
l had had a great deal of mead.
The next thing l know, l'm a troll.
You did this, Anyanka.
You will die for this.
Butyou seem to enjoy the being a troll.
l adjusted.
And then what happened? Witches.
Filthy, dirty, disgusting witches.
They trapped me.
l was imprisoned in that crystal for centuries.
A curse on all witches.
All must die.
- Willow, again.
- ''Let the conjuring be undone.
'' - ''Return the beast to native form.
'' - Witch, stop.
''Keep him far from us and ours as long as my voice shall sound.
'' - lt did not work.
- OK, wait.
''Let the conjuring'' - Where is he? - Gone.
Xander, follow him.
Anya, Willow, go to the magic shop.
Find a spell that will stop him.
- What are you doing? - Makin' this woman more comfortable.
l'm not samplin', l'll have you know.
Just look at all the lovely blood-covered people.
l could, but not a taste for Spike.
Not a lick.
l know you wouldn't like it.
You want credit for not feeding off bleeding disaster victims? Well, yeah.
You're disgusting.
What's it take? Hurry up.
l'm taking everything on relocation spells, suspension spells, and - what the heck - spells to make him really sleepy because slightly better.
ln case we need 'em, l'm getting more of all the things you stole.
- l didn't Why do you do that? - What? You're so rude.
l mean, sure, at first, ex-demon, doesn't knowthe rules.
- Well, you been here for ever.
Learn the rules.
- Rules are stupid.
Great, whatever.
l just thoughtyou might be interested in learning to act more human.
Some of us enjoy it.
Look for spells with dimensional portals, too.
l am a human.
And there are many humans who are stranger than me.
Uh-huh, but unless l'm really wrong about Crazy Larry at the bus stop, he's probably not gonna turn Xander into a troll.
Well, now, that's a very complicated proced You think l'm gonna hurt Xander? l would never hurt Xander.
- You really think l would do that.
- Anya, it's whatyou do.
You spent, what, a thousand years hurting men? You gotyour ''thousand years of hurting men'' gold watch.
l was a demon then, and l don't even have any powers now.
ls this the spell? Only if you want him to double in size and grow extra arms, which Let's not.
And by the way, you weren't a demon when you turned Olaf into Lord of the Hammers.
You managed that.
Also, there's other ways to hurt Xander.
l don't do magic now.
You're the one with that kind of power.
D'Hoffryn offered you my old job.
You're closer to being a vengeance demon than l am.
- Xander should be afraid of you.
- He's my best friend.
You don't want anyone else to have him.
l know what broke up him and Cordelia.
- lt was you.
And your lips.
- No, it was not.
Well, yes it was so, but that was a long time ago.
Do you think l'd do that again? - Why not? - Well, hello.
Gay now.
Butyou're always doing all you can to point out how much l'm an outsider.
You've known him since you were infants.
You'll always know him better than l do.
You could poison his mind against me.
You're insane.
l am not gonna take him away.
- And l am not gonna hurt him.
- Well, l'm not either.
l knew it.
You two, performing more spells.
l could be out pillaging, devouring babies, making merry with the local virgins, but instead, l had to come all the way back here to kill you.
Run.
No.
Get away from them.
l will get away from them, after l kill them.
You are not touching these women.
You wish for more? Admirable.
You fight well, although you are a tiny man.
l shall reward you.
Only one of your women shall die, and you shall be the one to choose.
- Did he just say? - Choose.
Anyanka or the witch.
One of your women must die.
No.
You are one crazy troll.
l'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend.
- That's insane troll logic.
- Go, Xander.
l love you.
Good for you.
You are a loyal man.
Xander.
Now.
Choose.
- Olaf, no.
- l'm not choosing.
Then you shall be the one who dies.
No.
Choose me.
Just don't take him.
Don't take Xander.
E conspectu abeat monstrum.
Damn.
- Buffy.
- Tara, stay back.
The hammer.
His strength's in the hammer.
- How can l help? - Distract him from Buffy.
- Piss him off.
- l don't know how.
Anya, l have faith in you.
There is no one you cannot piss off.
Olaf, you're as inadequate a troll as you were a boyfriend.
You're hairy and unattractive.
Even women trolls are put off by your various odours.
lnstrumentum ultionis, telum fabuloso, surge, surge, terram pro voca.
Your menacing stance is merely mildly alarming.
- And your roar is less than full-throated.
- Desist.
My God, woman.
lt's been a thousand years and yetyou are as aggravating and emasculating as ever you were.
Vola cum viribus, dominum tuum nega.
Vola.
- Good job.
- You too.
Very irritating.
So.
Your power's in your hammer? Oh, yeah.
l forgot he still has all that troll strength.
You shall all die.
l will dispense no mercy now.
What are you fighting for, minuscule blonde one? Your friends? These two? They will never last.
Anyanka is very difficult to live with, and he He's ludicrous and far too breakable.
Their love will never last.
She's got him now.
Poor baby.
You really dated him? Yes.
- Butyou like me better.
- Yes.
And Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way, cos she's gay.
She's not gonna try to break us up, so it's all OK.
Their love will last for ever.
The transposition be complete.
- Where did you send him? - The land of the trolls.
He'll like it.
- Full of trolls.
- lt's hard to be precise, though.
Alternate universes don't stay put.
Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it.
Which is a weird image, and you should all just forget it.
lt's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday or the crazy melty land.
Or the world without shrimp.
There's a world without shrimp? l'm allergic.
He's probably in troll land.
l only care that he's not here, and l got this nifty souvenir.
Oops.
The place is trashed enough anyway.
But see how well things worked out? And look atyou guys.
So good and alive and together.
So together and good, and alive.
Oh, God.
l'm just so happy for you.
l cringe to think what the place would have looked like if l'd been away for longer.
Maybe we would have had time to clean it up if Willow used some magics to help.
Yes, cos nothing could possibly go wrong with that.
Rupert, l still don't understand - thank you - why the other watchers made you go to England when they don't know anything.
Well, they don't know ityet.
l mean, they had no record of Glory or anyone like her, but based on the information l've given them, they're gonna look into it.
They might have something soon.
What about the Key? Were they all over it? Yes.
You know all of this? l got some of it myself.
Buffy told me the rest.
Well, they're interested, certainly, and full of theories.
Most of them nonsensical.
They don't knowthat it's Dawn? No.
l still can't even begin to grasp this.
l mean, she's my little girl.
lt is disorienting.
Giles, what happens if they figure it out? What would they do? l don't know.
l can't even think about this.
lt's too l'll get some more milk.
ENGLlSH