Dad's Army (1968) s05e11 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Hang on, who you calling? -The wife, to tell her I'll be late.
-Sorry, Reg.
Emergency calls only on this phone.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello.
Oh, hello, Frank.
Thanks for ringing back.
Yes, Lincoln, 3:1 5, Farmer's Boy.
-Right, Reg, what have you got, then? -Ah, well.
Not bad, not bad at all.
Yes.
was shining a light from her bathroom window.
Very naughty.
Here, and she was using more than five inches of water and all.
-Was she? -Right up to here it was.
Right, I'll investigate that myself before we prosecute.
Anything else? Oh, yes, bad one.
Uncurtained window, 60 watt bulb.
-Church hall? Which window? -The office.
Mainwaring.
I got him.
I've got him.
Yes, I'll say you have.
Shining like a beacon for a whole hour it was.
-I got him.
I got him! -We had to break in and put it out.
Get your coat on.
Your coat! I'll meet you down the police station.
-But, I mean, you know.
-Get a statement from you, quick.
-I mean, anybody can.
-Well done, Reg.
Well done.
You'll get a lift up for this, mate.
Well done.
I've got him at last.
I've got him.
-Put that light out.
-You mind your own business.
When can I have a banana? There we are.
That's it, then.
Corporate Jones' section patrol the railway sidings and the gas works.
Good.
What's that? -By the way, Wilson, am I hurting you? -No, I don't think so.
No.
I should be.
I'm standing on your hair.
It's a very old one that, isn't it? But it always makes me laugh.
-I'm trying to tell you to get your hair cut.
-Don't you like it? Mrs Pike thinks it makes me look rather like Eden.
(PHONE RINGING) Answer the phone, Anthony.
Hello.
Yes, Sergeant Wilson here, yes.
How very nice to hear from you.
You're quite a stranger, aren't you? Oh, yes.
What? Oh, yes, he's here.
-Yes, well we understand him you know.
-All right, who is it? -It's Captain Square, sir.
-Captain Square? What does he want? -Well, I don't know.
-Hello? (CHUCKLING) Ah! -Is that you, Mainwaring? -Yes.
(CHUCKLING) Well, I.
I hope you won't take this the wrong way but (CHUCKLING) when did you last inspect your platoon's firearms? What's the reason for your inquiry? Well, last night I bumped into a few of your chaps on patrol and they looked pretty scruffy to me so I had a look at their rifles.
You did what? My dear fellow, I've never seen anything like it in my entire service! Some of them practically had bird's nests in them.
How dare you inspect my men without my permission? My dear fellow, just as well for you that I did.
If the Colonel had got to hear about it, he'd have had you cashiered, even though you are a civilian.
-I hope you don't mind me mentioning it.
-I do mind your mentioning it.
-I find your whole attitude quite intolerable.
-There's no need to take that tack.
I shall instruct my men that if you interfere with them again, they are to arrest you.
If you talk to me like that, I'll put the receiver down.
You won't put it down! I shall put it down on you! -No, you won't! -Oh, yes I will! (STAMMERING) Hello! -He's put the receiver down on me.
-Did he? Have a little tiff, did you? A little tiff, did you have? Oh, dear.
This is your fault, Wilson.
When did you last inspect the men's firearms? Let me think.
I think I gave them the once over last week.
-Or was it the week before? -You're a slacker.
-A slacker? -A slacker, that's what I said.
-And you look a shambles, too.
-What? Fasten that collar up and go out there and have a rifle inspection.
-Right, sir.
-And fasten your cuffs.
You're not a day tripper.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) The men are fallen on parade, sir.
-Well, fall in after them, Jones.
-Yes, sir.
-There you are, Jones has done it for you again.
-Right, sir.
Platoon, 'shun.
Oh, sorry, sir.
You caught me on the hop then, sir.
-All right.
Fall in your place here.
-Very good, sir.
Rifle inspection, port arms.
Hup, two, three.
Bolt, two, three.
Back, two, three.
Butt.
Sorry, sir, what was that you said? For inspection, port arms.
I'm sorry, sir.
I was just about turning, sir, and then when you gave your orders, sir, and I've got to port arms, right, sir.
Now, how's it go? Right.
Hup, two, three.
Hup, two, three, two, three.
Hup, two, two, three, hup, hup.
Sorry, sir, that wasn't quite right, sir.
Shall I start again, sir? -Stay as you are.
-Yes, right, sir.
Now, it's been reported to me that you're not keeping your rifles as clean as they should be.
So Sergeant Wilson and I are going to inspect them.
Wilson.
Coming, sir, coming.
Terribly sorry, sir, but this hook thing is terribly stiff.
You see, I suppose it's because I haven't used it very much just lately.
-Very probably.
Fall in here.
-Right, sir.
-At the double.
-So sorry.
-Inspect Jones' rifle.
-Yes, very good, sir.
Do you mind, Jones, if I have a little peep? Oh, not like that.
That isn't the way to do it at all.
You tap the muzzle of the rifle, the man brings his gun and his foot round.
-Like that, see? -I see, sir.
I'll show you how to do it.
Here you are, sir.
Well done, Jones.
Yes, that's awfully good, Jones.
Very good indeed.
It's awfully good.
-You really ought to have a little look, sir.
-Yes.
The British rifle's always been easy to clean, you know.
Before we had the Lee Enfield, we all had the Martini-Henry.
That was a good rifle, the Martini-Henry.
That was a very good rifle, that was.
-Yes, thank you, Jones.
-Yes, we had the Martini-Henry right after that Battle of Ambinmum, sir.
-Yes, I'm sure you did.
-We'd been having this battle one day and this young officer came out from England and the Colonel said, ''Who are you?'' He said, ''I'm Lieutenant Ffoulkes,'' sir.
And he said, ''I spell it with two small 'f's.
'' And he said, ''You'll want something to go into battle with, won't you?'' said the Colonel.
He said, ''What would you like? A Lee Enfield or a Martini?'' And he said, ''I'd like a martini, but not too much ice.
'' In order to enjoy that joke, you got to know that a martini is a drink much enjoyed by the gentry in high places, you see, sir.
I did know that.
And the young officer, he got muddled up with that and the rifle you see, sir.
-I know.
-Well, you used to have it with ice, you see, sir.
-I mean the drink not the rifle.
-I'm aware of that.
-Personally, I like a light ale, myself.
-Stop talking! -Come along, Walker.
-Hup.
Come on.
Oh, yes, that's awfully good.
It's all.
Oh, yes, it's all sparkly.
You know, it's just like fairy land, sir.
What on earth's the matter with you? Walker, why are you wearing jewellery on parade? -What's wrong with it? It's real.
-See me in the office afterwards.
-I can't get you one, if that's what you want.
-That'll do.
-Sir.
-Here we are.
Oh, yes, it's come up awfully well, hasn't it? How did you get rid of those two marks? I put a little bit of Harpic down it and left it overnight.
How dare you introduce foreign matter into your barrel? It's not foreign, it's English.
You've not heard the last of this, Pike.
-Argh! -All right, all right.
Don't go mad.
The barrel looks clean enough.
Wish I could say the same for your thumbnail.
Somebody has to grease the hearse.
Good evening.
What do you mean, good evening? -Where's your rifle? -I don't carry a rifle, sir.
I carry the Red Cross haversack.
Oh, yes, so you do, Godfrey.
I'm sorry.
Perhaps you'd like to inspect my thermometer case.
No, thank you.
Not at the moment.
Well, Sergeant, the rifles seem to be quite clean to me.
-Thank you very much, sir.
Good.
-That's him.
That's him.
What do you want? Can't you see there's a parade on? Never mind about that.
I identify Captain George Mainwaring.
-That's him.
The little fat one with glasses.
-Are you Captain George Mainwaring? -Of course I am.
-Well, go on, give it to him.
Give it to him.
-This is for you.
-Blimey, it's a blister.
-It's a what? -A blue one.
A summons.
I'm not surprised.
I always thought there was something shady about him.
-What's the meaning of this? -I'll tell you what the meaning is.
There was a light blazing from your window for a whole hour.
So you're gonna be up before the beak, mate.
There's obviously a mistake.
I shall contact my solicitor at once.
He'll soon nip this in the bud.
Mark my words, Mainwaring's for the clink.
In eleven more months and ten more days I'll be out of the calaboose In eleven more months and ten more days Look here, you see you can't lose sight of the evidence.
The light was on and Captain Mainwaring's in charge of the hall -so he's bound to be found guilty.
-We can't let them do that, Mr Wilson.
We can't let them take our Captain and put him to the stake and be pilloried.
No, no, no.
Don't you worry, Jonesy.
Don't you worry.
It won't be as bad as that.
He was last out.
He's guilty.
-He should suffer.
-We all left together.
I think we're all guilty.
Now, look.
I see it this way.
I mean, every man has his price.
Why don't we go along, see the beak and straighten him? Now lookWalker, you cannot bribe magistrates.
No, not with money, no.
-But Scotch maybe.
-What if the magistrate is a lady? All right, then.
Knicker elastic.
Well, you can't get it.
Maybe there's a crooked district attorney.
You know, like Warner Baxter.
-Just be quiet, Frank, for heaven's sake.
-It's the only thing I've said.
All right, I know that.
Just keep quiet all the same.
I think if we say we all left together, they'll understand.
That's right, Mr Godfrey.
We've all got to say the same story.
Even if we have to purge ourselves.
We've just got to decide what we're going to say.
Yes, and if that fails, we'll rig the grand jury so he beats the rap.
-Is that you, Mr Hodges? -Yes.
-Is anyone listening? -Yes, I am.
-Anyone else listening? -Of course not.
This is the telephone, not the Albert Hall.
-Stay your hand against Captain Mainwaring.
-Do what? -Stay your hand.
Don't proceed against him.
-I'm not proceeding against him, the police are.
-Well, I don't think he's done it.
-What makes you say that? Perhaps someone else might have switched the light on by accident.
Now listen, Verger, it's taken me months to nail Mainwaring so you just keep your trap shut.
Or somebody might mention why you keep the church stirrup pump in your front hall.
Right, on the evening of the seventh we paraded at the church hall as usual.
At 9:45, we all left together and Captain Mainwaring turned off the light -in the office.
-9:45.
Jones, do try and keep up.
Let's do it once more, shall we? Right.
On the evening of the seventh we paraded at the church hall as usual.
In the office.
My devotIon Is endless and deep We all left together and Captain Mainwaring put the light out in the office.
-I got it right.
-Well done, Jonesy.
That's very, very good.
All remember it when you get in the court 'cause they try to make you say things you don't mean.
I won't talk.
I won't talk whatever they do to me.
I won't talk.
-Morning, sir.
-I must say I'm very touched -that you all turned up for me.
-I have come to speak the truth.
I hope we've all come to do that, Frazer.
Excuse me, sir, but your solicitor hasn't arrived yet.
-No, I've discharged him.
-Do you think that was wise? He wanted me to plead guilty and I won't have any of that sort of talk as you well know.
Quite right, Mr Mainwaring.
You go down fighting.
I have no intention of going down at all.
I'm going to win.
All come to say farewell, have you? -Ignore him.
-I am doing so.
I'm going in to see the fun.
Serves you right if they give you a month.
Come down off your high horse then, won't you? (JEERING) -Uncle Arthur.
-Yeah, what? If Mr Mainwaring is sent to jail, will Mum let us speak to him? It'll never become as bad as that, Frank.
She wouldn't let you speak to that lady who was married to the share pusher, would she? Yeah, but, that was altogether different.
Now, I'm going in there and I'm going to conduct my own defence.
I shall call on each of you in turn to bear witness on my behalf.
I shall tell the truth.
Good luck, Captain Mainwaring.
I shall always have the most happy memories of you.
Here, sir, if you do find yourself in the nick -I can get it easy for you.
-Yeah, all right.
Thank you very much.
You'd better come in with me, Wilson.
-Aren't you going to call me as a witness, sir? -Oh, no.
No, you're far too vague.
-The police solicitor'd make mincemeat of you.
-Oh, would he? Right, lads, now, once again.
On the evening of the seventh.
Where's Captain Mainwaring? I must see Captain Mainwaring.
-I'm afraid he's gone in the court.
-Oh! Have they sentenced him yet? Well, I shouldn't think so.
He's just this moment gone.
Then I may not be too late.
-Come on.
You'd better sit here, Wilson.
-All right.
You can hand me my speeches as I need them.
Yes, of course.
Thank you very much, indeed.
My goodness me.
Have you brought any sandwiches with you? No need to be facetious, Wilson.
It doesn't suit you.
All right, I'm sorry.
Good morning, sir.
-Chief of the.
Chief clerk.
-Oh, I see.
Good morning.
No need for you to say good morning.
I'm here to answer the summon.
(GAVEL POUNDING) -Be upstanding in court.
-Stand up.
Magistrates are coming in.
-WILSON: So sorry, sir.
Beg your pardon.
-For heaven's sake.
WILSON: I'm sorry.
Oh, good Lord! Come on, sir.
-Don't push me.
Give me a hand up.
-I'm not pushing, I'm trying to get you up.
Come along, that's it.
All right.
You all right now, sir? Oh, good heavens, I'm.
WILSON: Look, get them together, quick as you can.
That's it.
All right now, up you get.
That's it.
Carry on, Mr Bone.
Captain George Mainwaring.
Yes, that's me.
What are you doing down there? Are you a solicitor? No.
I'm answering the charge.
Well, you say you're the accused.
-Yes.
-Then what are you doing down there? You should be up there, in the dock.
Up here, mate.
Up here.
I apologise to the court.
Where are you going? -The time has come.
I must speak.
-Sit down and shut up.
I believe at this moment I should draw the attention of the court to the fact that the accused is known to me.
I'm sure we can rely on you not showing any favour, Captain.
I can assure you, I shall show no favour whatever.
As for you, Mainwaring, have you any objection to your case being heard by me? -Well, I would rather.
-That's good, let's proceed.
Are you Captain George Mainwaring of 2 3 Lime Crescent, Walmington-on-Sea? -I am.
-Absolute nonsense.
Of course he isn't.
He's not a captain at all.
Not a proper captain.
He's a home guard.
He's Mr Mainwaring, aren't you? Plain mister, aren't you? -I.
-Strike that out and read the charge again.
You are charged under Section 2 3 of the Emergency Powers Act that on the seventh day of September, you caused an unobscured light to be shown at St Aldhelm's church hall in contravention of the said Act.
-How do you plead? -Not guilty.
Damn waste of time.
Anybody appearing for you, Mainwaring? No, I shall speak for myself.
I shall rely on honesty, fair play and the integrity of British justice.
Will you indeed, yes.
Well, proceed, Mr Wintergreen.
I would like to call Warden Adamson.
-Call Warden Adamson.
-Call Warden Adamson.
Warden Adamson.
What's happening, Joe? One of Hodges' wardens is in the box.
There's no doubt about it.
Mainwaring's done for.
He is not.
I'm going to speak up for him.
That's all he needs.
In order to extinguish the light, we were compelled to make an entrance into the hall.
I couldn't quite hear that.
-He said he had to break in.
-Oh, he had to break in? Yeah, and tell him about the 60 watt bulb and speak up.
Here, don't keep butting in.
He's the witness, not you.
Mr Mainwaring, will you kindly stop chatting to your friends in court.
He's not my friend, and he keeps butting in.
I'm only repeating what he's saying, that's all.
What's it got to do you with you? There's the magistrate.
Will you both kindly keep quiet? -Mr Wintergreen, have you finished? -Yes, thank you.
Mr Mainwaring, have you any questions to ask the witness? -Yes.
-What are they? I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know because my papers are down there and I'm up here.
Well, come down here and get them.
Tell him about the 60 watt bulb.
You've been told once to stop interrupting.
Be quiet.
Thank you, Mr Mainwaring, but I'm quite capable of maintaining order in my own court thank you.
-Your Grace, I wish to tell.
-Sit down! -Thank you.
-Got your papers? Yes, sir.
Where are you going? -I'm going back to the dock.
-Stay where you are.
You can conduct your case from down here and go back to the dock afterwards for the sentence.
What? Oh.
So sorry.
For the verdict.
The verdict.
Slip of the tongue, you know.
Don't sprawl about the desk like that, Wilson.
-Sorry, sir.
-Need room to make my gestures.
-Yes, of course.
-Carry on with your questions, Mr Mainwaring.
-Just there, sir.
You passed it.
No, no.
That's it.
-Ah, yes.
Now then, Mr Adamson.
No questions, my Lord.
Back to you, Mr Wintergreen.
Call the Reverend Timothy Farthing.
Call Reverend Timothy Farthing.
Call Reverend Timothy Farthing.
Reverend Timothy Farthing.
Who's on now, Joe? The vicar.
Here, you'll never guess who the magistrate is.
-Who? -Captain Square.
What did I tell you? Mainwaring will do time.
It'll be the finish of him.
I think Captain Square will behave as a gentleman and be completely unbiased.
Wait just a minute.
All gentlemen are not unbiased.
Lord Kitchener was a gentleman and he wasn't unbiased.
Especially with the Fuzzy Wuzzies.
''Shoot them,'' he said and you can't get more biased than that.
I have the hall until 5:00 and from then on until midnight, Captain Mainwaring has it.
And who then is responsible for the hall at 1 0:30 in the evening? -Captain Mainwaring.
-Hear, hear! We got him! Kindly stop calling him captain.
He's nothing of the sort.
He's a bank clerk.
-I'm not a bank clerk, I'm a bank manager.
-It's the same thing.
-It is not the same.
-Got any questions to ask this vicar fellow? No.
-You did plead not guilty, didn't you? -I did.
I see.
Proceed, Mr Wintergreen.
Since the evidence as to the fact of the light showing and as to the fact of the responsibility has not been challenged, I shall call no further witnesses.
The essential elements of the charge, I would submit, seem to be proved.
I quite agree with you.
Are you calling any witnesses, Mainwaring? Yes, my Lord.
What for? I intend to prove that I extinguished the light.
And that it was switched on again by some person or persons unknown.
I can't see that's going to help you very much but we'll be getting on with it.
-I call Mr Jack Jones.
-Mr Jack Jones.
Call Mr Jack Jones.
Mr Jack Jones.
Hey, Jonesy, come on.
That's you.
-Yes.
-Yeah, come here.
Listen.
Come here.
Now, remember on the evening of the seventh we paraded in the church hall as usual.
At 9:45, we all left together and Mr Mainwaring switched off the light in the office.
Right.
Aren't you going to ask for an adjournment so that you could be properly represented? Nonsense.
I know what I'm doing.
I intend to call 22 witnesses to prove that I extinguished that light.
Yes, but you'll still be responsible.
-On the evening of the seventh.
-SQUARE: Wait a minute! You haven't taken the oath yet.
-Take the book in your right hand.
-Oh, thank you, sir.
And read.
-And read the words on the card.
-What card? The card in your left hand.
I see.
You want me to read the book in my right hand and swear in my left hand.
Oh, get on with it, Jones.
They don't half make the print a bit small here, don't they? Come, come.
Now, look here.
Say after me.
-After me.
-No! -Repeat! Repeat! -Yes, sir.
-I swear by Almighty God -I swear by Almighty God -that the evidence that I shall give -Evidence shall give -be the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
-The ho.
-Now get on with it.
-Yes.
-On the evening of the seventh.
-Just a minute.
He'll tell you when.
He'll tell you when.
Now you are Jack Jones, butcher, of 1 9 High Street, Walmington-on-Sea.
Pardon? I said you are Jack Jones, butcher, of 1 9 High Street, Walmington-on-Sea.
I know I am.
And so do we.
Get on with it, Mainwaring.
Tell the court what happened on the night in question.
Yes.
On the night in question.
Not him.
Don't tell him, tell the court.
All of us.
On the night of the 45th I went down into the light and I put Captain Mainwaring out together.
No, no, Jonesy.
On the evening of the.
I must object.
Not only is this man leading the witness but as far as I know he shouldn't even be here.
-I must apologise to my learned friend.
Be quiet.
-Just trying to help.
Mr Mainwaring, I'm the one who tells people to be quiet.
Oh, dear.
It's like watching a man committing suicide.
Hey, what's happened to Joe? Gone out.
He's deserted the sinking ship.
I don't think so.
He said he thought he could fix the magistrate.
When I looked around, he wasn't there.
Hey, maybe he's gone into town to round up some mobsters to rub out the judge.
I do hope not.
Hold on.
Joe's in the box now.
Well, it was like this, you see.
I was walking past the hall about, what, And then the light was switched off.
But then I saw it switched on as I was passing by.
A rather unexpected turn of evidence here, my Lord.
At what time did this occur? -That's hard to say.
-Why is it hard to say? Well, let's face it, sir.
-I'm a crook.
- Oh! I.
-I wouldn't quite put it like that.
-No, for once in my life, I wanna be honest.
I mean, nearly everything I do is just a little bit over the edge of the law.
And on this occasion, I'd been delivering a couple of illegal bottles of crooked black market whisky to a secret address nearby.
-Have you got it? -Course I have.
Don't let anybody see you leave.
No.
Now, if only I could remember the name of this geezer I gave those bottles to.
I mean, he could verify the truth and the time of what I'm saying.
(CLEARING THROAT) Yes, quite.
One moment.
I have a feeling an element of doubt has crept into this case.
And I think we should stop the proceedings and dismiss the charge.
On the contrary.
-It seems an open and shut case to me.
-I'm so glad you agree with me.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yes? There seems to be some confliction of stories here.
-I can't stand it any longer.
I did it! -Shut up.
No, truth must out.
I came back after they'd left to do some work.
-In my office? -Yes, Captain Mainwaring.
You see, I'm writing my memoirs.
-Your memoirs? -Why shouldn't I? Noel Coward did.
There you are.
I knew I was right.
Case dismissed.
You are free to leave this court without a stain on your character, Captain Mainwaring.
Well done, sir.
I never doubted the outcome for one second.
Just like that film with John Garfield.
Thank you very much indeed, men.
But never forget that this is what we're fighting for.
Fair play, honesty and the integrity of British justice.