Friends s05e11 Episode Script

Any entertainment there? All right.
Here we go! We're very happy for you.
What's the matter? We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else will, so.
All right, I'll take care of it.
It's 30 seconds to midnight, what are you gonna do? Will you just trust me? Thirty-three, 32, 31 Who are you kissing at midnight? Rachel or Phoebe? You can't kiss your sister.
-Who's gonna kiss my sister? -Chandler.
Oh, man! Really? Would you rather have me or him kiss her? That's a good point.
Since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
Phoebe! Listen.
Ross wants to kiss you at midnight.
So obvious.
Why doesn't he just ask? -Rach! I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.
-What? You can't kiss Ross.
You got the history.
So? -Would you prefer me or Chandler? -Good point.
Three, two, one! Happy New Year! -Happy New Year.
-Happy New Year.
-Happy New Year.
-You too.
Happy New Year, Joey.
So that do anything for you? The One with All the Resolutions You know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "No divorces in '99!" But your divorce isn't final yet.
Just the one divorce in '99! I am gonna be happy this year.
I am gonna make myself happy.
Do you want us to leave the room? Every day I am gonna do one thing I have never done before.
That is my New Year's resolution.
That's a good one! Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
Now you only have to find a planeload of people whose resolution is to plummet to their deaths.
Maybe your resolution should be not to make fun of your friends.
Especially the ones who might fly you to Europe for free.
She has a better chance of flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us.
I'll bet $50 you can't go the year without making fun of us.
Better yet, a week.
I'll take that bet, my friend.
Paying me the $50 can be the "new thing you do" that day.
And it starts right now! My New Year's resolution is to learn how to play guitar.
Really? How come? You know those special skills I have listed on my resume? I would love it if one of those was true.
Want me to teach you? I'm great.
Really? Who have you taught? Well, I taught me.
And I loved me.
That'd be great! Yeah, thanks, Phoebe.
My resolution is to be less obsessed with being neat and clean.
Really? Or something else.
Look.
Blaire forgot her glasses.
She'll need these to keep an eye on that boyfriend.
Who, from what I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I mean! Maybe your resolution should be to gossip less.
What? I don't gossip.
Maybe sometimes I find out things.
Or I hear something and I pass that information on.
You know, kind of like a public service.
It doesn't mean I'm a gossip.
Is Ted Koppel a gossip? If Ted Koppel talked about his coworkers' botched boob jobs, I would.
They were like this! Fine, my New Year's resolution will be not to gossip.
-It's easy.
-Easy? You have never kept a resolution.
-Yes, I have.
-Okay, let's see how you did last year.
No.
No.
Not my diary.
You cannot read my diary.
"Dear diary: I'm so excited.
My resolution is to write in you every day.
See you tomorrow.
" Nothing.
You know, not a lot happened last year.
All right, I will prove to you that I can keep it this time.
No more gossiping.
I hate gossip.
In junior high this girl said a lot of mean stuff about me and I set her bike on fire.
-Wow, what did she say about you? -She said I was crazy.
But I guess she got hers.
-I'll see you tomorrow.
-Okay.
I just asked that girl out.
Nice! Is that part of your "new thing" for today? Yes, it is.
See? "Elizabeth Hornswoggle"? That's right.
Elizabeth Hornswoggle.
You okay, Chandler? Something funny about that name? No, I just think I've heard it somewhere before.
Oh, really? Where? Somewhere funny, I'll bet.
Guess what.
I have a date with Elizabeth Hornswoggle.
Oh, this must be killing you! All right, see you later.
Not really.
-I haven't told you her middle name yet.
-Well, don't.
Just don't.
-See you later.
-See you.
All right, Phoebe, I am ready for my first lesson.
No, you don't touch the guitar.
First you learn here, then here.
Lesson one: Chords.
Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords.
But I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them.
So then this is "Bear Claw.
" "Turkey Leg" and "Old Lady.
" What an interesting approach to guitar instruction.
You know, some might find it amusing.
I myself find it regular.
Hey, everybody! Rachel was so good today.
She didn't gossip at all.
I didn't.
Even when I found out Let's say I found out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it.
Check this out.
You nailed the Old Lady! I thought I was getting better, so I stopped by this guitar store Did you touch any of the guitars there? Did you? No.
Give me your hands.
Strings.
Pick.
-Do you want to learn to play guitar? -Yes.
Then don't touch one! -Hi, Ben.
-Auntie Monica! Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see Ross is wearing leather pants? Someone comment on the pants! -I think they're very nice.
-I really like them a lot.
Not what I had in mind.
People like Ross don't wear these types of pants.
You see, they're very tight.
Maybe there's something in that area? I think they look really good.
Where'd you get them? I needed a new thing for today.
There's this leather store that always smells so good.
And I thought to myself: "Wow.
I've never owned a really good-smelling pair of pants before.
" Oh, come on! What do you think? You look like a freak.
Awful! What are you doing? -It's my New Year's resolution.
-To blind my child? To take pictures of us together.
It's the best resolution.
Everyone can enjoy them.
Everyone will enjoy my music as well.
My God, these pants! I'm burning up.
Oh God! She wants to snuggle now? Is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here! -Are you hot? -No.
It must just be me, then.
That was just the pants and the couch.
Do you mind if I use your bathroom? -Go ahead.
-Thanks.
My favorite part's coming up! Oh, my God! Tiger.
Dragon.
Iceberg! Joseph, did you even study at all last night? Yes, I did! Then do lceberg.
G-sharp.
G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? Have you? Oh, my God! What? I didn't touch a guitar! But you're questioning my method! No, I'm not questioning it.
I'm saying it's stupid! What? Thank you.
You know, none of my other student thought I was stupid.
Your other student was you! Well, maybe you just need to try a little harder! Maybe I need to try a real teacher! Here! Andy Cooper.
He teaches guitar.
There's a picture of him with a kid.
And the kid's got a guitar! Fine! You learn from your "qualified instructor.
" But don't come crying when everyone is sick of hearing you play "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"! Oh, fine.
Take his side! I can't wait to be with you.
I'll sneak over as soon as I can.
I'll tell Rachel I'll be doing laundry.
Laundry.
Is that my new nickname? You know what your nickname is, Mr.
Big Would you stop looking at me like that? Phoebe was a terrible teacher.
I wasn't learning anything from her Look I feel bad, too Forget it, we're going around in circles.
Joey, it's Ross.
I need some help.
Chandler's not here.
You can help me.
I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom.
Nice! No, I got really hot in my pants, so I took them off.
But they must have shrunk from the sweat.
Or my legs expanded from the heat.
I can't get them back on, Joey.
I can't! That is quite a situation.
Do you see any powder? Powder! Yeah, I have powder.
Good, good.
Sprinkle some on.
It'll absorb moisture.
Then you can get your pants on.
Yeah, hold on.
They're not coming on, man.
Okay, cut slits in the pants, right? Then put them back on go out there and tell her you're the lncredible Hulk.
Chandler's not there? That would have worked, but all right, fine.
You see any.
Oh, Vaseline? I see lotion.
I have lotion.
Will that work? Sure, throw some of that on there.
Hold on.
Sounds like it's working.
They're still not coming on, man.
And the lotion and the powder have made a paste.
Really.
What color is it? What difference does that make? If the paste matches the pants, you can make paste pants and she won't know! Do you have a minute? Dude, what am l Rachel's here, so good luck.
Let me know how it goes.
Joey, I have such a problem.
Your timing couldn't be better.
I'm putting out fires all over the place.
I have got to tell you something.
What is it? It's so huge! But promise me.
You cannot tell anyone.
No, no, no! I don't want to know.
You do want to know.
This is unbelievable! I'm tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets and can't tell anyone.
You know secrets? You're not supposed to gossip! I can't keep this in.
So I pick up the phone I'm not listening to you! You've been in there for a long time.
I'm starting to get kind of freaked out.
All right, I'm coming out.
Hey, can you turn the lights off? Let's just leave the lights on.
Oh, my God! I had a problem.
I can't talk to you.
I don't have a fancy ad in the yellow pages.
I want to apologize for saying your method was stupid.
And maybe ask you to be my teacher again? I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready.
You really think I'm ready? Wow, cool! -Was the chord at least right before -No.
Oh, my God! We heard about your pants.
I'm so sorry.
This year was supposed to be great.
It's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit! You're not a loser.
Look at me! Hey, look! Ben drew a picture of you.
You're a cowboy.
Because of the leather pants? He thinks you're a cowboy, not a loser.
That's something.
-lt really is something.
-Howdy, partner.
Maybe I should get another pair.
You know, they had some with fringe all down the sides.
Phoebe, you may know this.
You know strange things.
What is the boiling point of brain? I used to know this.
I'm gonna go kiss Ben good night.
I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy.
I would make a good cowboy.
Now that everything's wrapped up, I'll do my laundry.
Yeah, me too.
If this shirt is dirty.
I'm going to the airport.
If I hang around there long enough someone's bound to leave a plane unattended.
-Good luck, honey.
-Bye.
Remember that thing I was gonna tell you about? I won't tell you.
But if you found out on your own that would be okay and we could talk about it.
Well, then it wouldn't be a secret.
So that would be okay.
Would you mind going into Chandler's bedroom and getting that book he borrowed from me? Now? You want me to go over there now? -Do you know something? -Do you? -I might know something.
-I might too.
-What do you know? -You tell me first.
-I can't.
-Then I can't.
Okay, fine.
You don't know.
I'll walk into his bedroom and see the thing I think I know is actually the thing I think I know! -You know! -And you know! Yeah, I know! Chandler and Monica? Oh, this is unbelievable! -How long have you known? -Too long! I've been dying to talk to someone about this! You can't say anything to anybody.
They're so weird about that.
It's raining.
I don't like to fly in the rain.
I am gonna go for a walk in the rain.
Me too.
That's weird.
I bet they're doing it.
Okay, look.
I can't take it anymore.
So you win.
Okay? Here.
Flying a jet? Make it a spaceship so you can get back to your home planet! Phone call for you.
Tom Jones.
He wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What, are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?