Get Smart (1965) s05e11 Episode Script

( jazz music playing ) CONTROL headquarters.
This is the Chief.
Hello, this is Max.
I'm at the Pirate's Cove.
Good, you are to contact CONTROL Agent Carruthers.
We received an urgent phone call from him a little while ago requesting contact with another CONTROL agent as soon as possible.
Carruthers.
He must be the new kid.
I don't think I've met him yet.
No, you haven't.
You are to identify yourself with the words "I lost my dinghy.
" he will then identify himself by the countersign-- "Why don't you try the Brooklyn Navy Yard?" I lost my dinghy, and then he'll say, "why don't you try the Brooklyn Navy Yard"? Right, Chief.
I lost my dinghy.
I lost my dinghy.
I think you're a little dingy.
I lost my dinghy.
I'll tell ya what I think, mate: you probably got a rubber ducky in every port.
Did I hear you say you lost your dinghy? That's right, old timer.
- Bartender! - Be right with you.
Why don't you try the Brooklyn Navy Yard? Why don't you try the Brooklyn Navy Yards? The Brooklyn Navy Yards? It's me-- Carruthers.
Well, now this is a coincidence, Mr.
Carruthers, I was supposed to meet your son here tonight.
You're supposed to meet me here.
- I'm Carruthers.
- Oh.
The Chief didn't tell me you'd be wearing a disguise.
This is no disguise.
That's why I telephoned headquarters.
When I woke up this morning, I had these gray whiskers.
And by afternoon, all the rest of my hair turned gray, and my face had wrinkled.
- You having trouble with your wife? - I ain't married.
- Somebody else's wife? - You're missing the point.
Look at me.
I'm only 28 years old.
You don't look it.
Smart, something terrible is happening to me.
I'm dying of old age right before your very eyes.
I-- ( coughs ) - What'll it be, Mac? - You'd better pour him a drink.
This guy's in pretty bad shape.
- The man's dead.
- Oh, well in that case, you'd better make it a double.
( theme music playing ) And that's all he said, Max? - That's all, Chief.
- But I don't understand it.
I don't know what this is all about, but why can't my customers come back in here and drink? I'm sorry, this is government business.
Are you kidding? There's a man that's been murdered lying over there on the pinball machine, and you want people to come back here and dance and drink and carry on? Why not? They do it every night.
You mean there's a killing here every night? Well, not every night.
We're closed Mondays.
But we have two on Saturday.
- What day is this? - Friday.
- Whew.
- That was the lab with the report on the fingerprints.
- That's Carruthers, all right.
- 99, that's impossible.
I'm through now.
- Did you find the cause of death? - Old age.
How could a 28-year-old man die of old age? Probably too much wine, women and song, Chief.
Max, Carruthers was a religious man.
He never drank, he never smoked, he never went out with women.
Look at him now.
How terrible for him.
Why? He's not missing anything.
I don't like the looks of it.
It has all the indications of a KAOS plot.
But if it is, then that means any one of us could be next.
You don't seem very impressed, Lucheck.
I'm not.
At least not yet.
So far I only have your word that this works.
( phone rings ) if what you claim is true, this call will verify it.
Don't stand there, Kinsky, - answer the telephone! - Where is it? Where is it, where is it?! Look in the classified pages! This is KAOS.
Kinsky here.
I'll tell him.
It was the bartender at Pirate's Cove.
CONTROL has just left with Carruthers' body.
You see, I told you it works.
Now it appears we can do business.
You claim you can do this with every CONTROL agent? All I need is their photographs, and I'll touch them up with this.
That's how you do it? Gray paint? Oh, this isn't ordinary gray paint, Lucheck.
This is a special blend of oils and rare extracts used for centuries by voodoo priests to practice black magic.
It took me 10 years to perfect this formula.
I call it Dorian Gray.
You really age a man that much in just a day? That's an 8x10.
A 5x7 I can do in two hours.
As I apply some gray to the hair or some wrinkles to the face, at that very moment the same thing is happening to the person physically - wherever he is.
- Truly ingenious.
Tell me, what price do you have in mind - for disposing of CONTROL? - $100,000.
- It's a deal.
- Good.
I'll get started immediately.
You know, as brilliant as you are - you're a poor businessman.
- Why do you say that? For what you're about to do I would gladly have paid you $1,000,000.
It's you who are the poor businessman.
I would have gladly done it for nothing.
There's some things more important than money.
- Like what? - Like revenge.
Oh, however, there is one more thing I'll need.
Once a job is completed, I'll have to go into hiding.
- What do you wish? - I would like a plane ticket to Miami.
- How about Cuba? - I would prefer Miami.
Cuba we can get you to.
Miami we can't guarantee.
( tapping on window ) ( phone ringing ) - hello? - Hi, 99.
This is Larrabee.
- Did I get you at a bad time? - No, Larrabee.
I just put the twins to sleep.
I wanted to get the telephone before it woke them up.
By the way, thank you so much for the baby gift.
- Oh, did the store send it out already? - Yes.
And it's absolutely adorable.
I'm looking forward to meeting your wife so that I can thank her in person.
You could have done that when you got the gift.
That was my wife who delivered it.
Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
I hope that she won't be offended that I tipped her.
- How much did you give her? - A dollar.
She wasn't offended.
Can I talk to Max? I don't know where he is.
I haven't seen him all day.
Neither have we.
When did you see him last? This morning, when we went to the CONTROL lab to get our I.
D.
Pictures taken.
As soon as you hear from him, will you have him call headquarters? Sure will.
Bye-bye.
( knocks on door ) - Who is it? - Max.
Oh, I was beginning to get worried about you.
Are you all right? I feel terrible, I don't know what is the matter with me.
- I must be coming down with something.
- Oh, poor Max.
Sit down and I'll get you some brandy.
Where have you been all day? I had to take agents Harrington and Wilson to the airport.
- Where are they off to? - Phoenix.
- What's in Phoenix? - Sun City.
Oh, Max, not them too.
That makes 15 CONTROL agents so far.
And every one of them turned old over night - just like Carruthers.
- But, Max, doesn't the Chief have any idea what's causing this? You know, it's only a matter of time until-- ( gasps ) Max! Your sideburns! Oh, yes, I decided to let them grow.
But they're growing white.
- They are? - I'll get a mirror.
Max, your hair! - What about my hair? - Look at yourself.
Is that me? You know something, I don't look too bad with gray hair.
Don't you realize what's happening? They're doing it to you too.
You're turning old right before my eyes! Now, let's not panic.
Just because I came home a little tired and my hair is turning a little gray doesn't mean that I'm growing old.
Max, I want you to call the Chief right away.
That's exactly what I'm going to do, right after I take my nap.
- CONTROL headquarters.
- Hello, this is 99.
- I must speak to the Chief immediately.
- He's not here.
He's down in the photo lab having his I.
D.
Picture taken.
Switch me down there right away.
Maybe I can catch him before he leaves.
Sure, hold on a minute.
Transfer this call to the photo lab, please.
Hello, Felix.
This is Agent 99.
Is the Chief still there? No, he left a short time ago.
You're welcome.
Bye, 99.
Chief! Chief! - Yes? - Who are you? I'm the Chief.
Who are you? - I'm Max.
- They got you too? Boy, look at us, we're old, withered, decrepit.
What a cruel thing to do to us.
And especially me.
I mean, you were halfway there already, Chief.
Where's 99? She was right behind me.
- Oh, here she is now.
- Hello, Chief.
Good grief, 99, you look-- When did this happen to her? I don't know.
We were just driving along, I was doing maybe 50 miles an hour, and I turned around and looked at 99, and she was doing about 80.
You look exhausted, 99.
Why don't you sit down? - You too, Max.
- Huh? - Why don't you sit down? - Oh, I thought I was.
In view of what's happening to everybody, I took the liberty of changing this Saturday's CONTROL Golf Tournament.
- To what, Sunday? - No, to checkers.
- Thank you, Larrabee.
- Come back here.
What are you doing? I'm placing Larrabee under arrest for the murder of Carruthers, the attempted murder of the Chief, and 99, Harrington, Worthington, Sloan, Carvellas, Vash, Duffeld-- ( snores ) - Max! - And Max.
Put the pistol down.
You're crazy.
I'm not crazy.
I may be a little senile, but I'm not crazy.
What made you think Larrabee had anything to do with it? Because Larrabee is the only one who remained young while all the rest of us grew old.
Max, don't you think that the man who's behind all this would have to possess the brain of a scientific wizard an absolute genius? - Sorry, Larrabee.
- So am I.
If you don't need me for anything else, I'll be down at the photo lab.
- I haven't had my picture taken yet.
- All right, Larrabee.
Larrabee, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
How many of our agents haven't had their pictures taken yet? Everybody's had their picture taken.
I'm the last one on the list.
Don't you think there's some connection between the fact that all of our CONTROL agents have had their pictures taken and all have turned old, except Larrabee, who hasn't turned old and is the only one who hasn't had his picture taken yet? - What do you think, Max? - About what? But if that's true, that means that Felix the lab photographer might be connected with KAOS.
It wouldn't be the first time we had a defector in our midst.
Larrabee, I don't want anybody to leave the building.
I want you to seal off every door immediately.
We have got to get down to the photo lab.
Not our door, Larrabee! We're too late.
Felix is gone.
Looks like he's taken everything with him.
Oh, thank heaven he left some chairs.
Those were a lot of stairs.
It's a good thing we were going down instead of coming up.
Oh, too late I see.
You're right, all the chairs are taken.
- Max.
- Oh, right.
- Go ahead, you can have my chair.
- Oh, don't bother.
That's all right.
I'll just take this wastepaper basket, and turn it upside down and sit on it.
What's that that fell out of the wastebasket? It looks like an old photograph that was ripped up.
Agent 99: Who is it, Max? Max: Let's see, if it wasn't for the nose, I'd say it was Carruthers.
But you've got the ear where the nose is supposed to be.
I know that, Chief.
- Max: There.
- 99: Now who is it? If it wasn't for the ear, I would swear that was Carruthers.
That's Carruthers.
That's exactly the way he looked when he died.
Don't be ridiculous.
I was with Carruthers when he died.
There were no pictures taken of him.
Wait a minute.
If there were no pictures taken of him, then how did Felix get ahold of a picture with him looking that old? - You're right.
- About what? - What you just said.
- Oh, uh what did I just say? I wasn't listening.
Chief, look at the gray hair and the lines.
This photograph has been retouched.
Yes, it looks as though it's been retouched with gray paint.
Look at this, Chief, it's paint.
Dorian Gray.
Let me see that.
Now I remember.
Six months ago, Felix came to me and claimed that he could age people by just retouching their photographs.
I thought he was an eccentric.
I shrugged him off.
I told him I wasn't interested.
Obviously KAOS didn't think he was eccentric.
They must have made a deal with him.
I guess that just about wraps up this case.
Wait a minute.
Felix has the power to make us old enough to die.
We've got to find him and stop him.
And to find an antidote, if there is one.
Look at me.
I just gave birth to twins and now I'm too old to raise them.
Well, it's perfectly normal for you to feel that way.
It's a drag that you have to look that way.
Max, you and I have to go to KAOS headquarters and stop Felix.
and get a photograph of Felix out of my files and wait there.
Now if we haven't shown up by 10:00, then you take some of this Dorian Gray and start retouching his photograph.
I think there's enough in this bottle to show him two can play at this game.
Tonight we will eliminate the remaining members of CONTROL.
- Beginning with these.
- All right, let's get started.
Just one more stroke of Dorian Gray on these photographs and they'll expire.
Who shall we start with? Both: Maxwell Smart.
- ( knocks on door ) - Who is it? Max: Building maintenance service.
We have to get in there to clean the office.
Building maintenance service.
They have to get in here to clean the office.
Tell them to do the other offices first, then come back later.
Do the other offices first, and then come back later.
Max: They said to do the other offices and come back later.
Chief: I know, I heard.
Tell them we've already done the other offices and this is the last one.
Max: We've already done the other offices.
This is the last one.
They've already done all the other offices.
This-- I heard him.
Tell him to forget about it tonight.
Forget about this office tonight.
Max: He says to forget this office.
Chief: Will you stop repeating everything he says? Tell them we have to get in to empty the wastebaskets or we'll be fired.
Max: We have to get in to empty the wastebaskets, - or we'll be fired.
- They have to get in to empty-- I know.
Let them in.
Open the door.
Wait until they leave.
- It's over there.
- What is? The wastebasket.
Make it snappy.
We're busy here.
- Excuse me, Felix.
- Certainly.
- Smart! - All right, hold it.
Everybody stay right where you are.
What kind of weapon is that? - It's a Bazooka-broom.
- Bazooka-broom? You mean to tell me that can actually fire a bazooka shell? Not only that, but it sweeps up the mess afterwards.
I don't believe you.
Let 'em have it, Max.
Uh, there's no trigger, Chief.
All right, drop it.
Max, do you realize what you've done? You took a real broom from the CONTROL weapons lab.
- Now we're really in trouble.
- You think we're in trouble? How about Doc Simon? She's over at the CONTROL lab sweeping up with a bazooka.
You're just in time to witness Felix put the final stroke on your photographs, and your lives.
Felix, proceed.
I'll start with Smart.
Just a minute, I don't think that's fair.
I mean, after all, the Chief does have seniority.
- I wouldn't do that if I were you.
- And why not? Because at this moment, CONTROL Agent 99 is waiting in my office with your photograph and a vial of Dorian Gray.
This is the only Dorian Gray in existence.
I wouldn't be too sure about that, Felix.
Have you ever heard the old saying "Waste not, want not"? - No, I haven't.
- Oh.
- How about you? - I haven't either.
How about you? I've heard of it.
I don't know what good that does us.
You're on our side.
What Smart is trying to tell you is that the vial of Dorian Gray that you discarded in the photo lab was not completely empty.
There was still enough left for Agent 99 to retouch your photo and make you old enough to die in a matter of minutes.
They're bluffing.
Come on, finish them off.
applying the Dorian Gray if she doesn't hear from us by 10:00.
It's 10:00 now.
Don't listen to them.
It's a CONTROL trick.
Oh really? Look at your hand.
My hand, it's all withered.
And your hair, it's turning white.
Shall I finish them off? No, we don't dare take a chance.
They may have pictures of us too.
I feel weak.
I'm old.
I'm going to die.
Quick, get her on the phone.
Tell her to stop.
Not until you give us the antidote.
That's just it-- there is no antidote.
Oh, there isn't any antidote.
There isn't any antidote? I'm so sleepy, so tired.
All right, Mr.
Smart, this is the end for you.
Hold it.
Get your hands up.
Get over against that wall.
Come on, you too.
Move.
Let's go.
You're young again! I know.
What happened? Look at your picture.
That bottle I threw at Lucheck, it must have had something in it that washed the Dorian Gray from my picture.
There must be some chemical in this cleaning solution that also works as an antidote.
Let me see that.
"Remove-All: Handy all-purpose item for cleaning draperies, upholstery, bathroom tile, and appliances; good also for the removal of grease stains, lipstick stains, and Dorian Gray from photographs that have been retouched by Felix.
" ( theme music playing )