It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s05e11 Episode Script

[Charlie.]
Now keep in mind, we've been locked in this parking garage stairwell for, like, 20 minutes, dude.
Okay, so then we turn around, and what do we see? A scary homeless dude.
And I'm, like, "Oh, shit! " Yeah! And I'm like, uh You know- I'm like, "What do we- What do we do?" You know? And then Mac, he's just like, "Just chill.
" And I'm like, "How do we chill, dude?" Yeah.
And I'm all, "Oh, shit! He's gonna talk now!" Yeah.
And I'm all like, "How do you know he's gonna talk, bro?" And I'm like, "Because his mouth is opening.
" And then he did talk.
Yeah.
And then he goes- he goes, "I'll let you out of the stairwell 'cause I have the key, because I'm the security guard instead.
" That's a cool story, huh? Yeah, right? Okay, so, uh Just so I'm clear on the story that you just told.
Yeah.
It was about you guys getting locked in a garage stairwell for 20 or so minutes.
Yeah.
And then a security guard came along and the security guard let you out.
Well, yeah.
But I mean, it's how you tell the story that makes it good.
How you told the story was by far the worst part of the story.
You weren't even paying attention to us, dude.
All you were doing was playing on that stupid phone.
Why are you rubbing on the phone? Let me rub on it.
What are you doing? No, no, no! Hey, hey, Frank! Get your greasy, fat, sausage fingers of my touch screen phone.
This thing's new.
My fingers are not greasy.
Uh, you have four sausage links in your pocket right now.
Yeah, but I don't touch the sausage links.
Why should I do that when I can let my shirt do the work? Watch.
Hmm.
No touching, and warm.
[Scoffs.]
My God.
You're an animal.
Guess what, boners.
I just got a part in an M.
Night Shyamalan movie.
- What? - Yeah.
I'm a featured actress, which means I'm gonna be featured in a scene.
What's an M.
Night? Wow.
Gross.
M.
Night Shyamalan, the Indian filmmaker from Philly.
Oh, my God.
This dude's a big deal, Frank.
He's like a true-to-life Slumdog Millionaire.
You know what I mean? He always puts some awesome twists at the end of his movies to trick the audience.
Oh, yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense.
You find out that the dude in that hairpiece the whole time - That's Bruce Willis- the whole movie.
- That's not the twist.
That's not the twist to that movie.
That wasn't? No.
I'll tell you about it later.
There were a lot of twists in that movie.
Watch it again.
You know what? You're gonna need a very crafty agent to squeeze everything out of this slumdog.
I volunteer.
And I decline.
You are abusive and you smell like warm meat and I want you to leave me alone 'cause this is really important for me.
This is important for all of us, okay? This is an opportunity for Charlie and I to get M.
Night our script.
Right.
Since when do you and Charlie have a script? Since you walked in here and said you were in that movie.
We're great storytellers.
No, goddamn it! No, come on.
Don't involve yourselves in this.
Dee, you involved us in this the second you walked in and told us about the movie.
You really shouldn't have done that.
Let's get to work! Oh, oh, hoo! Let's get some beer.
Dude.
Yeah! Goddamn it.
Whoa, whoa.
Excuse me.
Can I help you? Oh, great.
Nonfat, sugar free, vanilla soy latte.
Three shots, no foam.
Also, why don't you let me in here so I can start my vocal warm-ups? I'm sorry.
Who are you again? Dee Reynolds, featured actress.
Reynolds? Yeah.
And could you send M.
Night over also, because I have a couple questions regarding the detes of my character.
Right.
Says you're a featured extra.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Okay.
Well, featured extra, featured actress.
What's the difference? Well, the difference is a featured actress usually auditions for the role, has lines, gets a trailer, whereas a featured extra is a person whose head shot we pull off a pile, has no lines and sits in that tent over there till we're ready for her.
Okay? Mmm.
Okay.
Ah, ah, ah, ah Where are we on the coffee situation, because it's early and I am hungover.
Go sit in the tent.
Now.
This tent? That one.
Thank you.
Are you sure? [Charlie.]
This is hard.
Mmm.
I mean, because I want the movie to be big, you know, and, like, a box office smash and we want to put, like, a lot of meat in the seats, you know? Yeah.
You know what I'm thinking, dude? You know what I'm thinking? Something that's happening in Hollywood that's, like, pretty cool.
They take an underrated actor, right, whose career is in a slump, and then they make him a star again.
Oh, that is awesome, right? Yeah, let's do that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, who is the most underrated actor of all time? - It's Dolph Lundgren.
- Correct.
Why? Well, because of his spiky hair, his ice-cold demeanor and his big muscles.
Absolutely.
Okay.
All right.
All right, so we have our actor.
- Okay.
- That's great.
Now we need a really great role for him.
Oh, you know what I was thinking? Scientists are cool.
What if he's a scientist? Okay, okay.
A muscular scientist.
I'm into that.
Right.
As long as we don't cover up that body with a lab coat, bro.
No, dude.
He's wearing, like, a hot mesh tank top.
I like that.
Now does he, like, fight crime or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He fights crime, uh, with his brain and his brawn.
Should we be writing this down? Let's get all this down.
[Laughing.]
All right.
This is good.
All right.
Okay.
Brains- Brawn Brawn- Muscles Oh! Dude! Yeah? I just got a Shyamalan twist to put in this bad boy.
Okay.
Lay it on me.
What if this scientist runs around on all fours? Why would he run on all fours? It's a science experiment with a dog that goes absolutely haywire.
Suddenly he wakes up with the ability to run around like a hound.
You know? We're not making the lead of our big-budget action movie half dog! No, not half dog.
He's all dog.
Then why are we casting Dolph Lundgren? That will be the twist.
Dolph Lundgren will be the voice of this dog.
That's not a twist! That's a completely different movie about a talking-dog scientist with the voice of Dolph Lundgren! All right.
You know what? Check this out.
What if it's a man with a few dog-like qualities, like, uh, heightened sense of smell Jesus Christ, Charlie.
We're not- There's no- or licking Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
A heightened sense of smell? What if he can smell crime? What if he smells crime? Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude! Yeah? What if he can smell a crime before it even happens? Holy shit, dude.
That's amazing.
Smells crime before it even happens! Yes, dude! We're getting somewhere.
What if his entire head is just one big nose? Write that down! I like that! He's one big nose on Dolph Lundgren's body.
Oh, shit! Ho! What? No.
No, no, no, no, no.
What are you two doing here? Well, since you've declined my offer to be your agent, I've since taken on Dennis as a client.
Dennis has that "I don't give a shit" attitude, which is perfect for Hollywood, right, Dennis? I-I- I really don't care.
See? See? Why do you want to be everybody's agent? Because that's where the money is.
What do you do? You just put things together.
You sit back, you collect 10% and you let the client do all the work.
Dennis doesn't give a shit.
Right? Stop talking to me.
Perfect.
Okay.
Well, you can't just walk in here and get a part in the movie.
It's not how it works.
Excuse me, sir? Yes? Uh, could my client have a part in your movie? Sure.
Here.
Fill out this form.
You do it.
I'll do it.
Unbelievable! Hold on a second.
Hey, hey.
Assistant, hey.
Hi.
When is somebody gonna tell me what my part is? What is your name again? Dee Reynolds.
I'm your featured extra.
Right.
You're a corpse.
A corpse? Mm-hmm.
Like a zombie roaming through the streets looking for brains kind of corpse? No.
Like a dead corpse.
Just a dead corpse? Lifeless body lying in the street.
Okay.
All right.
We'll call you when we're ready for makeup.
I know, but Hold on a second.
I have one more- Don't be- Don't walk away from me.
He just- He'll be back.
Dee.
Jesus, you come off so desperate.
Oh! Hollywood! Hollywood! Hollywood! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! Hey, guys.
Get out of here! What is that? What are you guys doing here? We in a Hollywood situation! Yeah.
- Dennis just got a part in the movie.
- Sweet, dude.
Bump it.
- Uh- - Not gonna? All right.
So, uh- So where's the slumdog? We're ready for him.
- You finished the script already? - No, not exactly.
Yeah, we, uh- We didn't want to get locked into anything, so we came up with a pitch instead.
It's more like a series of ideas in no particular order, you know? Yeah.
We'll work out the kinks later.
So you hit a brick wall, huh? Yeah.
Uh Mmm.
Dennis can help you with that.
He is good at coming up with awesome words.
I wouldn't rule it out.
You have to sign him on as a producer.
That okay? Dennis? You want to be a producer? Yeah.
- Sorry.
- All right.
We'll work out the detes later, man.
But maybe we gotta find, like, a cooler place? Could we get a place with some A.
C.
going? [Charlie.]
Let's have a meeting and some A.
C.
, man.
Leave it to me.
All right.
You guys got 30 seconds.
Blow my mind.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Oh, oh, oh.
Guys, guys.
It's the prequel to The Sixth Sense.
The Fifth Sense.
The sense of smell.
[Dramatic.]
Imagine a super ripped, super smart scientist in a mesh tank top named Dr.
Dolph Lundgren.
No.
That's- That's not his name.
He's played by Dolph Lundgren, but that's not the character's name.
It could be the character's name.
No, that's A doctor played by Dolph Lundgren named Dolph Lundgren? Yeah! That's confusing, dude.
More confusing than making up an entirely new name for a person? That's gonna confuse people.
I'm taking over.
I'm taking over.
- You are losing me.
- Okay.
Okay.
All right, all right, all right.
[Dramatic Voice.]
Imagine a super smart, ripped scientist played by Dolph Lundgren, who, after a terrible accident in his lab, blows off his nose! After reconstructive surgery, he soon realizes that he smells something that stinks [Recording Stops.]
This doctor smells crime? Possibly also runs around like a hound.
No! He doesn't run I'm just saying, don't rule it out.
It's possible- I didn't agree to that.
It's not in any of our notes.
He might run around like a hound.
What do you think? Okay, uh- All right.
First things first.
You guys gotta type some of this shit out and get organized, for Christ's sakes.
Get your shit together.
Come on.
I mean, that's ridiculous.
Now in terms of the story, uh, clearly it's brilliant.
It's amazing.
Great idea.
Brilliant idea.
Thank you.
But there is one critical element that's missing.
It needs a sexual punch-up.
We need to get a female lead character in there that Dolph can bang throughout the whole movie.
Yeah.
I kind of hate women though.
Oh.
I feel like they just slow action movies down too.
Right, dude.
No, Mac.
See, you're dead wrong on that.
You're dead wrong.
See, one of the problems with Shyamalan's movies is that they lack a certain eroticism.
What if we were to bring, uh, an incredibly hot but skeptical female lab partner into the mix? And then that way, whenever Dolph's not out busting heads because he's smelled crime, he's back at the lab performing outrageous sexual experiments on her supple, young body.
Now here's the twist.
And there is a twist.
We show it.
We show all of it.
Because what's the one major thing missing from all action movies these days, guys? Full penetration.
Guys, we're gonna show full penetration, and we're gonna show a lot of it.
[All Chuckling.]
I mean, we're talking, you know, graphic scenes of Dolph Lundgren really going to town on this hot, young lab tech from behind, 69, anal, vaginal, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl All the hits.
All the big ones.
All the good ones.
And then he smells crime again.
He's out busting heads.
Then he's back to the lab for some more full penetration.
He smells crime.
Back to the lab, full penetration.
Crime, penetration, crime, full penetration, crime, penetration.
And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the movie just sort of ends.
That is brilliant! That is the most brilliant movie I've ever heard in my life.
I think audiences are gonna be very uncomfortable seeing Dolph Lundgren's naked penis going into this young girl that you're talking about.
Yeah.
Just to be clear, though, I don't care either way.
Well, it was worth it, you know- 30 seconds.
Because we got the chick thing out of it, so this is good.
Yeah, 30 seconds.
Okay.
All right.
Well, maybe we should type this stuff up, and then, Frank, we'll be in touch.
Get it all together.
We'll type it up.
We'll get another thing going.
And think about the representation thing.
Definitely, dude.
Definitely.
Okay.
You don't have to rep him.
You could just rep me.
All right.
Let me just get all this stuff.
We're not a writing team.
Okay.
Are we good? Yeah.
We're good.
Okay.
Okay, we good? Go ahead, Charlie.
Okay.
And we'll get- we'll get the Frank, I write better without him.
Seriously.
We'll talk about it.
You know? Okay.
[Muttering.]
Okay, cool.
[Mac.]
The Fifth Sense.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Write-Write- Write a couple words.
The Fifth- Dude, go faster.
Hold on.
Hold on.
I can't- Go faster.
Ah! I got it in my head.
I just- I can't type it fast enough.
You can't type it at all.
If I could type more better, then I think it would come out faster.
Maybe we should get somebody else who can type.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Look at her, dude.
Might be good to have an older lady in the mix, right, sort of a workhorse secretary? Yeah- I don't care for her demographic.
I find them judgmental.
Mmm.
You know what I mean? Mm-hmm.
We need someone more our Hello.
Check out this one over here.
Does he look Indian to you? Oh, yes, dude.
It would be great to have an Indian in our corner, right? Oh, my God.
They're natural storytellers.
They're great with twists.
- Uh- Psst! Psst! - Dude! - Uh, where are you from? - Baltimore.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Right, right.
Baltimore, sure.
- Where are your parents from? - Jersey.
Oh.
All right.
Getting nowhere here.
Uh, you're so- Yeah, well, uh Is anyone in your family from India? Mmm.
- Pakistan.
- Pakistan.
Now that's Well, isn't- a country somewhere, so What's the difference between that and- Yeah, what is Well, they're right next to each other, both countries.
That's perfect.
Perfect.
That's close enough, dude.
There's probably a lot of going back and forth.
Yeah, Pakistanis are probably great with twists too, in their own kind of way, you know? Great.
How'd you like to be in the movie business? Ma'am, how you doing on makeup in there? We're ready.
Well, I'm okay, but I feel like maybe they used a little too much blood.
Ma'am, we need to move here.
Let's go.
Let's go.
My gut feeling is they went a little overboard.
I mean, can you even tell that it's me? Yeah.
It's perfect.
- We just need to pair you up with a husband for the shot.
- Husband? Yeah.
How about this guy right here? That'll work.
That'll work.
[Cackles.]
Whoa! Great.
Holy shit, Dee.
This is like Wow.
I could barely tell that was you.
- I mean, did they dip you by your heels into the blood? - That's ridiculous.
That looks so stupid.
Uh Frank had 'em go a little more subtle with me, so you could see my face.
This? This is it? Yeah.
How the hell did you manage that? No, I'm working my ass of.
Corpses, let's go now! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go on, go on, go on.
Go on.
Go on, will ya? Whatever.
Go ahead.
Everybody focus.
Get down now.
Very simple shot.
Lot to do today.
Lot to do.
I need all corpses lying down.
We are losing light, people.
Let's go.
- I need you to turn over.
I need you face down.
- Face down? Yes.
No, 'cause then you won't be able to see my face.
Face down or in the pile of bodies over there.
You pick it.
- Face down.
- That's what I thought.
All right.
Energy.
Energy.
But you're dead.
Dead energy.
Dead energy.
Here we go.
I get it.
I get it.
Okay, so he's on the edge of this cliff throwing his nose off into the ocean because he's at the happiest point of his life.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is the scientist's lowest point in the movie.
Okay.
Here.
He throws his nose of the cliff into the ocean because he's- he's rejecting his life as a savior of all of mankind.
Oh, I finally just got it.
Oh, bro, that is Bro, that is- That's nice.
Deep shit, man.
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
It's nice.
- Where are you landing on the full penetration? - I'm into it.
Big time.
The Injun says yes- Snaking around.
So that's what we're doing, I guess.
It's done.
It's on.
But, but, but- I-I- I mean, the title? Oh, yeah.
The title.
Title sucks.
It's stupid, yeah.
Come on.
Title sucks, right? The Fifth Sense? I mean, stupid.
Well, yeah.
- Who came up- Who came up with that? - Uh Stupid.
Come on, man.
So stupid.
You kidding? So why don't you type out this whole movie real quick, and we'll go sell it to Shyamalan.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I don't write.
I'm a big picture kind of guy.
You don't write.
You don't write.
Oh.
[Cell Phone Ringing.]
- Hello? - Dennis, hey.
We hit a wall on the pitch.
Uh, what pitch is that, man? - The pitch of the movie that you're a producer on.
- Oh, yeah.
That thing.
Yeah.
- What's up with that? - We realized that none of us are writers, so we decided to play to our strengths and make a poster.
What tells a person about a movie better than a picture of what the movie is? What are your thoughts? What are my thoughts? My thoughts are that's brilliant.
I think it's cool.
Cut! Huh? What are you doing? -Oh, shit.
Were you guys rolling on that? -Yes.
We were rolling on that.
Do not talk on your phone during the shot.
Okay? And you, ma'am? - Oh, me? - Do not roll over during the shot.
Oh, I know, but you know what? I thought about it.
- I feel like it's better if I'm right side up.
- Back over.
[Mocking.]
"Back over! Face down on the hot cement!" - Let's roll it again, people.
- "Yeah, again!" [Machine Gun Fire, Explosions In Distance.]
[Machine Gun Fire.]
Brains! Brains! [Cell Phone Ringing.]
Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! What the hell are you doing? Huh? You.
Why are you saying "brains"? What Oh, 'cause it's a zombie movie.
It's, like, the Shyamalan twist.
I figured it out.
This is not a zombie movie.
It's a movie about Serbian genocide.
[Ringing Continues.]
Really? Huh.
You! Sir! Yes, sir.
Your phone, it's ringing.
Oh, yeah.
I know.
But listen, man.
If you don't let me answer it and solve my boys' problems, the phone's gonna ring.
You can't have it both ways.
Can I talk or not? Yeah.
I gotta agree with him on that one, buddy.
You're not being very clear.
Which is it? Turn your phone of! You, miss! Don't improvise! Let's go! Okay! You know what? I have had about enough of you dicking me around all day.
Okay? Where is M.
Night? I have questions for him.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Mr.
Shyamalan isn't directing this unit.
This is a simple pickup shot.
Hold on a second.
Hold on a second.
Where the hell is M.
Night? He's not here? No.
What the hell's going on here? - Well, he won't get of his phone, for starters.
- Give me your phone, Dennis.
What? Give me your phone.
All right.
I heard that.
No, I'll tell you exactly what's going on.
This guy's been treating me like a dickwad all day long, and I don't appreciate it.
[Assistant.]
Ha, ha, ha! All right.
I'm gonna fix it, hon.
Thank you.
Fire both of them and I'll take their spot.
What? - Done.
You're both fired.
- Hold on a second.
What are you talking about, Frank? Being an agent is crap.
I want to be an extra, lay around doing dick.
Great.
Both of you, get your shit out of the tent.
Get out of here.
All right, fine.
Hey, give me my phone back, Frank.
What? Just to be clear, pal.
I don't care about any of this.
I got my own thing going on, so [Groans.]
I just gave you the old Shyamalan twist.
Oh, maybe you did, maybe you didn't, but I'll tell you what.
I don't care either.
All right.
What do I do? Hey-oh! Hey, where his he, dude? Where's Night? We got it! Dude, we totally got it.
Brace yourself! Brace yourself! Crime Stinks: The Smell of Penetration.
"He nose the truth.
" Oh, okay, yeah.
I get it.
Get it? Yeah, I-I get it.
Now, there is a lot going on there with- with Dolph.
We had to make some artistic compromises.
I think we're good with the body.
Yeah, but it's a lovable character.
It's a lovable guy.
You know, these are good compromises.
Bottom line, M.
Night's gonna love it.
So where is he? Night? Uh, well- Oh, he's not here.
Jesus Christ, Dee.
What happened to you? He brought in a "B" team or something like that, covered me all in blood.
That slumdog bastard twisted all of us! Oh, shit, dude.
We need him to execute our script.
Yeah.
Actually, you guys don't need Shyamalan to execute your script because I've got the mother of all Shyamalan twists in my hand right here.
You see, you think I've just been playing with my phone the whole time, but you're wrong.
Been writing a little movie script of my own, and I finished it right before you guys called.
It's a horror movie about two men trapped in a garage stairwell who get hunted down by a psychotic, homeless killer who turns out to be a security guard instead.
- That's our story, dude.
- Damn right, it's your story.
And that's why you two guys are gonna be attached as producers.
Nice, baby! Producers! All right! I feel like that's I'm a natural born producer.
I love showbiz, dude.
I love showbiz.
Uh, can I be in it? Uh, you know, normally, Dee, I would take this opportunity to insult you, but I'm gonna throw an insane twist your way.
You're gonna be the lead of the film.
I am? Really? No, you're not.
Twisted again! Boom! Try and keep up.
Lot of twists.
Lot of twists in this thing, so try and keep up.
There's so many twists, I can't even follow it.
It's tough to follow.
I'm gonna pull up the first scene so you guys can get a taste of what else is going on in this film.
Yeah.
Lay us on it.
It's really good.
Uh- For some reason the phone is frozen- Lay it on us.
And I'm having a little trouble pulling up the scene And why is there grease all over Is this Frank's g- goddamn sausage grease? Frank, you froze my phone with your sausage greasy fingers! Frank, you son of a bitch! [Machine Gun Fire, Explosions In Distance.]
[Machine Gun Fire.]
[Assistant.]
Cut! Cut! For the love of Christ! [Voices Speaking Backwards.]