Last Man Standing s05e11 Episode Script

Vanessa? Vanessa.
Look at you, down here all by yourself.
Sleeping? What time is it? It's like after 2:00, honey.
We've been married so long I can't sleep without your elbow in the back of my neck.
Mm.
Come on.
Let's go to bed.
No, no, no.
I can't, I can't.
Christmas is in two weeks.
Honey, I still have a ton of shopping.
I haven't even started the Christmas letter.
Eh, no big deal.
And I'm head of the nativity-scene committee at the church.
It's not really a committee when the other people are made of plastic with light bulbs in them.
You know, when I worked at Paxon, we took most of December off, but for teachers, it's the busiest time of the year.
I mean, we got papers and midterms and mm-hmm.
setting aside time to cry over student evaluations.
Hey, I got it.
For this year, for your Christmas present everybody gets an "A.
" Problem solved.
I hate when you're so stressed out.
You love Christmas.
You're not even enjoying it.
Well, I'll enjoy it when it's over.
I'm pretty sure that's what Mary said on her journey to Bethlehem.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
The classic poem "'Twas the night before Christmas" by clement Clarke Moore is a holiday delight where children dreamed of getting sugarplums.
This is a sugarplum.
Try giving your kids one of these for Christmas.
See how fast it comes back to you.
Mr.
Moore lived in a time when Christmas was about peace and joy.
Today it's about driving yourself to exhaustion trying to make everything perfect The perfect tree, the perfect Turkey, the perfect amount of rum in the egg nog.
Just enough rum to take the edge off but not so much that grandpa takes a swing at his brother for looking funny at him in 1942.
We've forgotten what Christmas is really about.
You know, it seems the only time we even talk about Jesus is to shout his name at the jerk who stole our parking spot at the mall.
And, please, can't we get rid of Christmas lists? Where's the magic in getting exactly what you asked for? Instead of, "hey, how did you know?" It becomes, "hey, you can read.
" Better yet, let's get rid of presents altogether.
After a few years of that, kids will be thrilled to get one of these little bad boys, huh? Heya, Boyd.
Hi, Grandpa.
I'm working on my Christmas list.
Yeah? What do you got? How do you spell "banjo"? B-B-G-U-N.
Listen, we're gonna have a family meeting! Everybody downstairs! Living room! Come on, now! What was your favorite toy when you were a kid? Probably lawn darts.
Yeah.
It's a big piece of steel polished to a point, little wings on it.
You threw it up in the air.
No one could see it, land in that target area boom.
That's a gift you remember.
A lot of scars.
Lot of scars.
That sounds fun.
You didn't even need the target in there if you had buddies.
They'd just stand in a circle, you'd throw it right at them.
They don't sell them anymore.
You can't find them.
The nanny state made them illegal.
Stupid nanny state ruined Christmas.
Yeah.
Oh, holidays with grandpa.
Mm.
Do I need to be here for the family meeting? No, but I get your vote.
I'm open to alliances, people, so make your best offer.
Sit! This is not a democracy.
Ugh.
I started sounding like king Obama there for a minute, didn't I? But it would be nice if you looked like him.
Imagine how fantastic I'd be if I had inherited that caramel complexion.
Okay.
This year, I'd like to give your wonderful mother the best Christmas gift ever.
A shark?! No, no.
But at least you're steering clear of banjos.
I want to take the burden of Christmas off your mom's shoulders.
Mm, she's a sturdy gal.
I think she can handle it.
You two are going to do the Christmas newsletter.
All right, fine.
But I'm not covering for anybody.
If you sucked this year, it's going in the letter.
And we need the perfect person to set up the nativity scene at the church Ryan.
What? I'm not religious.
It's perfect.
This could be your ticket out of hell.
Okay, you know what? I will do it for Vanessa.
Good.
But this counts as your Christmas present.
You're not getting the bean-bag chair.
Well, where am I supposed to smoke my hookah? I'm, uh, kind of afraid to ask, but what about me? You're gonna decorate the Christmas tree.
What, that's it? That's it.
If you want to make it more challenging, I'll put poisonous snakes in there.
Hold on a second.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna work in more of a supervisory role.
So take credit.
Well, if you want to dumb it down, sure.
Use those terms.
Hey.
Mr.
Alzate.
Yeah.
Your Santa outfit's back from the cleaners.
Oh.
Once again, you get to spread joy and wonder to children while I a naturally more cheery man Have to be an elf.
Uh, not this year, Kyle.
No, my legs are getting too old and the kids are getting too fat.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? Yes.
American kids are porkers.
No, it's I'm gonna pass on the suit.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! I'll do it.
No, wait.
He didn't even raise his hand.
You sure you want to do this, Chuck? Yeah.
Last year, a kid sneezed and hit me in the face with his retainer.
I'm sorry, but there is no way that Mr.
Larabee can be Santa.
And why exactly is that? All right.
If no one else has the guts to say it, I will.
You're too tall for the suit.
Okay.
Lawsuit avoided.
All right.
We'll deal with it, Kyle.
Congratulations.
All right.
All right.
It's gonna be Santa Chuck this year.
And make sure to keep that spirit when the first little darling barfs on you.
Ho, ho, ho! What are you looking at, elf? Kyle! Honey, honey.
Put the packages down and put your feet up.
I got you the best Christmas gift of all The gift of time.
Is this like last year, when you gave me the gift of laughter? I have delegated the nativity scene, the newsletter, and the tree-trimming to the kids.
Ooh, gee, thanks a lot.
Boy, that "thanks" didn't have quite the pop I was expecting.
You know, honey, look.
It's just it's not important to them, and I will just have to pester them to do it, so now, instead of being this giving person who does wonderful things, you have turned me into the Christmas nag.
Look, I'll handle this.
You shouldn't have to be the nag at christmastime, too.
So, girls.
How, uh how's the newsletter coming? Well, I finished the paragraph on me, and I'm fascinating, but Nobody else in the family did anything interesting this year.
I got a new job, your dad traveled the world, Kristin got married.
Eh.
Everybody already knows that stuff, mom.
That's why nobody reads these things.
It's like an iTunes user agreement, you know? All right, you know what? Forget it.
Forget it.
I will do the newsletter.
Just No, you won't.
You're not gonna do it.
No, I Honey, honey.
I will handle this.
Oh, yeah, like that Christmas you left my mother stranded at the bus station? Well, you actually can't be stranded at a bus station, can you? No, you You left her.
Come on.
Ugh, this newsletter's impossible, dad.
How do we make our lives sound interesting? If it was easy, I would have done it! I need two pages, single-spaced, by this afternoon.
Two pages? Ugh! If you need filler, throw in stuff like, uh, "we are very fortunate," or my favorite one "We are so blessed.
" Ugh.
This sucks.
The only way this newsletter would be worth reading is if it was pure fiction.
Tell me about it.
You know how many made-up stories I have to tell about mom and dad so people think I'm colorful? Why don't we? You mean lie? I didn't mean for that to sound judgmental, 'cause I'm totally down for it.
Okay.
"2015 was a wonderful year for us Baxters.
Mom's back From the cult.
" Oh! "She makes us kool-aid every day.
" "But nobody's had the guts yet to try it.
" "Dad achieved his lifelong dream of becoming a member of an outlaw biker gang.
" So cute.
"Luckily, antibiotics really helped with the infection from his face tattoo.
" "We are so blessed.
" I'm just saying, I think I would have done a pretty darn good job.
Kyle, you got to let this thing go.
You know, it's no picnic pretending to be Santa Claus.
You do it once, they'll ask you to do it over and over again.
When God closes one door, he opens another.
Just really wish he hadn't closed the door where I was gonna wear a really cool red suit.
Hey, Ryan.
How's it going down at the church with the nativity scene? Uh, I actually haven't been able to get down to the church yet.
What's it been Like 26 years now? Mike, I'm sorry that it's hard for me to get motivated.
The nativity scene's not really my thing.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Christmas isn't about you.
I know.
You're right.
It's about helping others.
Specifically Vanessa.
If you don't want to get down there and meet the plastic Jesus, I can arrange to have you meet the real Jesus.
Hmm.
Combining religion and violence.
No one's ever done that before.
I will go as soon as he sees Santa, okay? I can take care of the kid.
I want you to go down there right now.
- As a matter of fact Kyle.
- Uh, no.
- Kyle.
Come here.
- No.
No, no.
I don't oh.
Hey, Ryan.
What's up, Mr.
B.
? Go with Ryan down to the church and set up that nativity scene.
Oh, talk about God opening another door! Let's go, brother! Uh, you gonna change first, or? Oh, don't worry.
I'll be warm enough.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Who's ready to tell Santa what they want for Christmas? That's not Santa.
That's Mr.
Larabee.
Come on, man.
You see a lot of Santas this time of year.
They're all Santa's helpers.
They're picked by the real Santa.
Uh, that's right, Boyd.
I work for Santa Claus.
You do? I thought you worked for grandpa.
Ho, ho, ho.
No.
I work for someone much more important.
Isn't that right, grandpa? Let's just put the kid on your lap.
Get the show rolling, all right? Come on, Boyd.
Tell me what you want for Christmas this year.
I only want to tell you.
Mm-hmm.
Then, if I get it on Christmas, I'll know you really do work for Santa.
Oh, well, fair enough.
A little privacy, please.
You didn't wear pants till you were five.
Now you need privacy? It's nice you're doing this, Ryan.
I know you don't believe in this stuff.
Yeah, it's fine.
Just pretending like I'm setting up for a giant game of Dungeons & Dragons.
Sweet.
You really love the nativity scene, don't you? Oh, sure.
It's the best.
It's a reminder there's something greater than us.
You know what? That is beautiful, Kyle.
I completely agree with you.
I just I just wish the nativity scene were something that, you know, everyone could enjoy.
Do you mean blind people? Don't worry.
I hang out and describe it to them.
No.
You know, I I mean, Christians must love it, but what about Jews and Muslims and Zoroastrians? Well I don't believe in aliens, but why would it bother Jews and Muslims? Because it excludes them, Kyle.
Really? Yes.
I mean, look.
It's a purely Christian image.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't want people who aren't Christians to feel left out, especially at Christmas.
What can we do? Uh, well, we could change things up a little bit.
You know, add some stuff, take some stuff away, make it more multicultural.
I do want everyone to enjoy it.
I'm in.
Yes! Now I'm excited.
What do you think we should add? Uh, tigers, spaceships, balloons? I'm not really sure what we're shooting for.
Okay.
Uh, you know what? Let's just keep brainstorming.
Great.
I can't wait to see the look on Mr.
B.
's face when we tell him we've improved the nativity scene.
Wipe your feet.
Wipe your feet.
Hey, honey.
You're home.
Which is the most beautiful place.
Because that's where love is.
So, what's going on? Uh, let me guess.
Hallmark commercial, a lifetime movie, a Chardonnay sale at Bevmo? Family photo album.
Oh.
I was finally able to slow down and really just enjoy the holiday.
You know, the tree, the lights the memories.
I love Christmas.
Yeah.
You know, some people when they're happy, they don't cry.
You know what the best part is, Mike? You got the whole family to help.
Eh.
For me.
Mm-hmm.
I'm blessed.
Eve! Mandy! Where the hell are you? There's our oldest blessing now.
What's all the yelling about? Did you see the Christmas newsletter those two idiots sent out? Huh? No.
Heh.
I was in a cult? Yeah, but now you're just a compulsive gambler.
What? You spend every weekend down at the track.
I'm glad you think this is funny, dad.
Or should I call you by your new biker name "Old dirty Baxter"? So your mom's into ponies and I'm a badass.
I kind of like it.
Did you see mine? Apparently all I did this year was get the most beads at Mardi Gras.
I'm a mother! I think your explanation's right in here.
It says, "Eve loves her some cough syrup.
" Mandy! Eve! You screamed? Why would you do this? 'Cause it's funny.
My parents get this newsletter.
They don't have a sense of humor.
Yeah, when I say that, you get mad.
Not now, Mike.
Uh, sorry, mom.
We just wanted to make it fun to read.
Oh, my God.
This is a nightmare.
We can fix this.
Girls, you're gonna have to do another one of these.
No, no, no.
I will fix this.
They don't respect this.
I just need a nice, quiet place to write a new letter.
Why don't you try down at the track? I told you this was a bad idea.
Hi, Kyle.
Hey.
Hey.
Kyle, please tell me you set up the nativity scene.
Hey.
We did something even better.
Oh, God.
We set up something we call the "new-tivity.
" New-tivity.
Hey, you found a way to improve on the birth of the lord and savior.
Good for you.
Well, Ryan thought nativity scenes should be more inclusive, so we came up with this.
Mike.
There's nothing set up.
There's there's just a sign that says "your God here.
" Instead of Jesus, they put up a sign.
Honey.
No, don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Wow.
She can't wait to see it.
That's great.
I'm disappointed in all of you.
I asked you to do something for your mom.
You couldn't help it.
You had to put your own spin on it.
I would just like to point out that I did a very nice job with the tree.
What? What, what? You know what? All the way here, you haven't said anything.
Not how you're gonna fix it, not how it's okay nothing.
Well, believe it or not, I didn't know what to say.
I wish you'd come up with something, because I really need it right now.
I was so happy.
I know you were.
And you still should be.
Are you kidding me? You know the joy you felt when you slowed down enough to enjoy the good times? Mike That's like a Christmas-spirit moment, honey.
Bad stuff is just gonna happen in the holidays, but holding on to the joy That's the most important part.
Look at that.
You did know what to say.
Thank you.
Come on.
We have a lot of work to do on the nativity scene.
Oh.
Looks like not as much work as we thought.
Well, I I don't understand.
I I mean, I saw the picture on Kyle's phone.
They just put up a sign.
Yeah, we did.
But then I realized that that would be wrong.
Whoa.
Hear that? Ryan just admitted he's wrong.
It's it's a Christmas miracle.
Uh, it was actually something you said to me earlier, Mike.
What'd you say? I don't know.
I say a lot of important things.
That's why Nixon recorded everything.
You said this wasn't about me, that it was important to you and I was just sent down here to help.
Sounds like somebody else we know.
Well, thank you, Ryan.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Mm.
So Merry Christmas.
Happy solstice.
You just have to ruin it, don't you? Hey.
Someone ruined our new-tivity! Well, well, well.
What are we all doing here? Well, we came down to help.
Yeah, we felt really bad that everybody but me screwed up.
Well, that is so nice, but Ryan already fixed the nativity scene.
See that? Ryan admitted he made a mistake.
I think it calls for a toast.
Eve, break out the cough syrup.
Easy, wild hog.
Mom, don't worry.
We'll send out a boring newsletter as soon as we get back, right? Or maybe not.
We're a hit! What? Yeah, people are really responding.
They love it.
They think it's hilarious.
Oh, Nana says we should submit to the onion.
Oh, well, you know, it was kind of funny.
Your dad as a biker? Well, I guess I'll just hug the Shepherd.
Come on.
Aww.
No, I'm fine, actually.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.
So, you happy? So happy.
And she's crying again.
Such a wonderful Christmas, Mike.
I feel like you didn't get what you wanted, because you never gave me a list.
Huh? Honey, I'm an adult.
I don't need presents.
Hey, Eve.
I want to play with that crossbow.
Sure.
Start running, and I'll count to five.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Special delivery for Mike Baxter.
What? From Santa.
Lawn darts? Are you kidding me? This is, like, the best gift I've ever gotten! You do work for Santa.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.
Hey Dad.
Can we use some of those lawn darts? Yeah, just start running.
I'll count to five.
Oh, oh, oh! I almost forgot.
I had a special ornament made.
It has a picture of me standing beside my perfect tree.
I'm just gonna put it right here in front, where everyone can see it.
Whoa! Honey.
Next year you should do everything.