Monk s05e11 Episode Script
Mr. Monk Makes a Friend
I love this song.
What's it called again? What? The music box, what's it called? - Fullness of spring.
- Fullness of spring.
I can't get it out of my head.
I wish we had taken more pictures.
Hey, can you stay for dinner? No.
I told you, I gotta get home.
Well, at least stay for a drink to decompress.
Oh! I'll open the santorini.
I know I promised to save it for a special occasion.
What? I said, it's our one-week anniversary.
I think that's special enough.
What are you doing? I, I thought we could I told you not to open that.
Hey, there's something in here.
What, what is that? Put the bottle down, Gail.
What's going on? You're scaring me.
Put the bottle on the table.
I told you not to open it.
MONK Season 5 Epi.
11 Mr.
Monk Makes A Friend Wait! Wait, I will take plastic.
- It's too late! - Too late.
Vegas is not a vacation.
Vegas is a pilgrimage.
Why don't you want to fly if you want I gotta call you back.
Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? Oh, I am so sorry.
That is all my fault.
Man, they ought to put blinkers on these things.
Is this yours or mine? No, that, that's not mine.
That's yours.
Yeah, well.
Pretty much anything that can kill you, that's gonna be mine.
Yeah.
I mean, look at this.
Soup for one, frozen meat loaf.
I might as well wear a big sign that says, "divorced guy.
" Yeah.
Ah, here.
Hey, you're, uh, you're missing two eggs here.
No, no.
I, uh, I only buy 10 at a time.
I know, it's crazy.
No, it makes perfect sense to me.
It does? Yeah, I mean, why have a decimal system if you're not gonna use it? I mean, why 12? Exactly.
12, so arbitrary.
What's this? Uh, that's bubble wrap.
Protect the apple.
Did, did they do this for you? No, no.
I bring my own.
They, they always tease me about it.
Yeah, well, who's laughing now? - Look at that thing.
It's perfect.
- Yeah.
Whereas mine it's all bruised and scuffed up.
You're a genius.
Ah, I don't know about genius.
I like your style, you know? You play by your own rules.
That's one way of looking at it, I guess.
Hal, Hal Tucker.
Adrian Monk.
Yeah.
Oh, did I do that? Oh, it's nothing.
Just a little juice it's nothing.
/ You got to send me the bill for that.
No, no.
I have a hundred shirts just like it at home.
I mean 99 now.
Well, I always pay my debts.
Adrian Monk, I'm gonna look you up.
I'm gonna pay you back.
I love this song.
My grandfather used to sing it to me all the time.
You okay? Ah, yeah.
Can we, uh, think we could put down the, uh the, um The toilet seat? Nope.
Tech guys haven't been here yet.
We can't touch anything.
Yeah.
yeah, okay.
Okay, so, uh somebody was in the shower.
And then, uh so the, um I can't, I can't, I can't think.
Um Nah, keep it.
Just keep it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Candle's full of water.
These are soaking wet.
Okay, he was in the shower.
Something happened, she said something.
He was upset.
He opened the shower curtain, didn't even bother to stop to turn off the water.
He grabbed the top towel.
Went into the other room and killed her.
You're pretty damned good when the toilet seat's down.
Captain, we know her.
Uh, knew her.
- Knew who? - Uh, the victim.
She was a dispatcher at the old precinct.
No kidding.
Oh, yeah.
About 10 years ago.
- Gail something.
- Gail.
Gail Segalis.
Oh, my god.
I used to carpool with her.
Oh, she was always talking about trips she wanted to take.
She said if she ever made it to the Parthenon, she was gonna send me a picture.
Well, looks like she made it.
Hey, is this a boyfriend? I love boyfriends.
Let's find him.
Yes, sir.
What's this? Hmm? What do you got? I don't know.
The price is in Euros.
She brought it back with her.
Uh, where's the wine? Probably drank it.
Where's the bottle? Hello? Yes.
He's right here.
Who's this? The what? A friend of whose? This is Adrian Monk.
What number are you calling? Uh, yeah.
Hold on.
Uh, Mr.
Monk? It's Hal? Hal? Hal? He called me? Hello? Yeah, yeah, of course I remember you.
Yeah.
Oh, it was yeah, it was nice meeting you too.
Bumping into you.
All right, I get it, I get it.
It was a play on words.
Yeah.
Huh? Oh, that was, that was just my assistant Natalie.
Huh? Uh, uh, hold on.
Hold on, I'll see.
Are you hot? What? What, tom, tomorrow? Oh, sure.
I sure, that sounds okay.
Okay.
Yeah, that sounds great.
All right, okay, great.
I'll see you then.
That was Hal.
Who is Hal? Oh, he's just a guy.
He's a friend.
We're going to the hockey game tomorrow.
- The hockey game? - Yeah.
Hey, Kramer, what're you doing tomorrow? - Going to the beach with the kids.
- Can't go with you.
I'm going to the hockey game.
Captain, you don't need me tomorrow, do you? No.
Good, 'cause I'm going to the game.
Yeah.
I heard.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! He's gonna be here any minute! Any minute! Julie, Julie, put on some music.
Please, Natalie, don't go away.
Stay, stay right there.
I need you.
I need you.
Natalie? - Which one? Which? - They're exactly - Which one? That one! Mr.
Monk, you're gonna have a heart attack.
No, no.
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
Just, uh, just, uh keep going, ask me another one.
Uh, okay, uh, what's a forward line? Ah, in professional hockey.
The forward line consists of the right wing and the left wing.
And the center.
This year the Sharks have had a outstanding forward line.
Outstanding.
Let's, let's say their names.
Okay, Joe Thornton.
Uh, uh, uh oh, Kaspar, no! Mr.
Monk, why don't you just be honest? Tell him it's your first game.
No, no, no.
I tried that honesty thing.
It was a total disaster.
No, no, no, no, julie.
No, no, no, not classical.
Put on something cool.
You know, the rock and the roll.
- You don't have any rock and roll.
- Well, not not classical.
Anything but classical.
Mr.
Monk, he's just a guy.
He can't be the first friend you've ever had.
What are you doing? - I'm cleaning.
- No, I don't want it too clean! He'll think I'm some kind of a freak.
I left five crumbs out.
Yeah, I only see one, two, three, four.
Four! God! Four.
Here, here it is.
Okay, there it is.
Adrian? Hey, Hal! Hey, there.
I hope you don't mind I let myself in.
Oh, Hal's here.
I brought in your mail.
Hey, nice crib.
Oh, yeah, uh, thanks.
Patriotic, I like that.
Most people wouldn't have the guts.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
So this is my crib.
Yeah.
Excuse the mess, okay? What mess? Well, you know, the crumbs, there's five crumbs there.
This is Natalie.
Oh, his girl Friday.
Well, it's nice to put a face to the voice, especially a face like that.
Funny, right? And this is, uh um, uh - Julie.
- Doh! - Hello.
- Hi.
Hal.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, are you guys hockey fans? Next time I'll get four tickets.
The coach is a client of mine.
Oh, what do you do? Antiques.
Import/export.
Don't redecorate your room without calling me first.
Rugs, tables.
You name it, I'll get it, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
So, you ready to roll? It's gonna be a great game.
Absolutely.
Go Sharks! Oh, I love it! That's great.
- We'll see you later.
- We'll see you later.
I like him.
Yeah, I do too.
Wonder what he's up to.
Take the shot! Come on, take the shot! Take the shot! Take the shot! How about these seats, huh? Oh, they're excellent.
- They're really bolted in.
- Yeah.
Go Sharks! Oh, hell! Did you see that? What the hell was that? The hell if I know! What the hell was that? Hell.
Cheech is really off his game tonight.
Yes.
Yes, last year, Jonathan Cheechoo, whose nickname is Cheech, was the third highest-scoring right wing in the league.
He was born in Ontario.
Really? That's interesting.
- It is? - Yeah.
All right! All right.
Smudge.
What? There's a smudge.
On the glass.
It's on the inside.
We can't get it.
Right.
It's no big deal, right? No.
Who cares? Right? Let's just think about something else.
Hey! Hey, there's a smudge here.
Can you get that smudge? There's a smudge right there.
Yeah, right there.
Just take it out.
No.
No, no, no, wait.
There's a some Come back! - there's still some left.
- Hey, down in front! You got a problem? With him, not with you.
You got a problem with him, you got a problem with me.
Okay, no big deal.
It's embarrassing.
No! It's a great idea.
It's a battle zone out there.
They should hand these things out at the door.
Hal! I thought that was you.
Eddie Lawson from the firm.
Yeah, man, how you doing? You look good, man.
How long you been out? - About a year-and-a-half.
- A year-and-a-half? You had a better lawyer than me.
Hey, you ever talk to Charlie the pirate? Sometimes.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah, well, tell him to call me.
He still owes me 50 large from that thing.
I'll do that.
I gotta go.
Take it easy.
But take it.
See you.
Well, now you know.
You did some time.
I bought some coins in Turkey.
Beautiful pieces.
11th century.
Turns out they were hot.
I did 8 months.
I was gonna tell you earlier, but then I found out you were a cop and if you wanted to go home right now, I mean, I wouldn't blame you.
Why would I want to go home? I'm having a great time.
- Really? - Yeah.
So we're still on for tomorrow, then.
Yeah.
/ All right.
I told you, I was at my restaurant all day.
I got 15 people on staff.
Why don't you ask them? Well, they work for you, right? They're not gonna lie for me.
Not about this.
I mean, you work for him, right? You gonna lie for him? I mean, about a murder? I think about that a lot, actually.
I mean, of course, it would depend on a number of factors We're not talking about him.
We're talking about you.
I took her to Greece.
She'd been wanting to go for years.
She got back Friday morning.
She was dead three hours later.
I didn't come back with her.
She dumped me.
She met someone at the hotel.
Second day we were there.
So I decided to come back early, Tuesday night.
- You can check that too.
- Oh? Who was he? She wouldn't tell me his name.
I saw him.
He had a beard.
I guess she likes beards.
- And money.
- How do you know? About the money, not the beard.
I could smell it.
Plus, he gave her a bottle of wine.
Santorini, it must have cost him 500 bucks.
Would you recognize him again if you saw him? Oh, yeah.
Call Athens, check the hotel guest lists against the list of passengers on her flight home.
- Yes, sir.
- Did you hear that? Sorry, I wasn't listening.
I'll, I'll hear the tape.
We didn't record it.
That's okay.
I was half-listening, so I'll play it back in my head later.
Mr.
Monk was just telling me about his big date.
You mean the guy on the phone? I thought that was a prank.
No, why, why would you think it was a prank? No reason.
Uh, how was the hockey game? Great! Great game.
We won.
The San Jose Sharks 4, visitors 2.
It was a lot of fun.
It was so much fun.
And then later we went out for brews and beer.
Brews and beer? Actually, there is Monk, you know that I worked Vice for a couple of years? / Yeah.
Sometimes a scam artist will spend a couple of days with a guy before asking him for money.
- It's called softening the mark.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hal is not a con artist, no.
Why would anybody con me? I don't have any money.
Does he know you don't have any money? Yeah.
/ Did you tell him you don't have any money? Wait.
Wait.
I think I know what this is about.
You guys are worried that I'm gonna ask him to be my best friend.
Don't worry.
Please.
Hal and I just met.
We are nowhere near making that kind of commitment.
You guys.
Unbelievable.
What kinda guy do you think I am? - Ah, this is the life, huh? - Yeah.
A sonny chow movie, pepperoni pizza, a couple of guys hanging out.
Absolutely.
I'm sorry I had to send that first one back.
Oh, don't worry about it.
No, you were totally right.
Sliced 10 ways makes all the difference.
- That's all I'm saying.
- Yeah.
Hey, listen, I'm gonna go help myself to one of those bruise-free apples.
- You want one? - No.
I'm good.
All right.
Oh, your mail's here.
I'll get it for you.
Junk mail.
Don't you hate it? Yeah.
All those trees chopped down just to make a bunch of stupid catalogs.
Right.
I love this part.
I can see why.
Oh, yeah.
Crank it up.
Sorry, we're closed.
Closed on Mondays.
I want to make a reservation.
Call tomorrow.
We're open at noon.
Yeah, but I'm here now.
It'll only take a minute.
Come on, I promised my wife.
Hi, you, Tim.
Remember me? We met in Greece.
- Yeah, I remember.
- Yeah.
- You shaved your beard.
- Yeah.
Gail didn't like it.
You remember Gail, don't you? The cops are looking for you.
I know that, Tim.
That's why I'm here.
They show you any mug shots of me? - Not yet.
- Good.
Then I'm not too late.
You know, he sounds like a great guy.
He is.
Oh, he's a great guy! Well, having a good friend, Adrian, is a blessing.
Yeah.
- He's outside right now waiting for me.
- Really? Yeah, we're going back to my place after the session, just to hang, you know, out.
That's what we do.
We hang out.
We went out last night, me and Hal.
- To a bar! - To a bar? Yeah, it was so much fun! You should have seen Hal.
He was talking to two girls at once.
Saying, saying funny things.
Everybody was laughing and Adrian, this is, this is really amazing.
And it's very significant.
I always wanted a best friend.
I used to pray for it every Christmas.
Best friend.
That's what was missing.
One friend would have made it all bearable.
Well you had Trudy.
That was different.
Trudy loved me.
But Hal likes me.
Beautifully put.
You know what I'm gonna do? I just decided.
I'm gonna ask Hal if he'll be my best friend.
You know, I, I've never heard it put quite that way.
I just have to figure out when to pop the question.
Do you have any advice? - About - About when to pop the question! No! No, I, I don't.
Nothing.
No.
Oh, hey, buddy.
How'd it go? I think it went pretty well.
I told him all about you.
Oh, hey, I'm famous.
So, you want to head over to your place? You promised to show me that rock polisher.
I'm parked right over here.
- You okay? - Yeah, yeah.
Look, uh, just something, uh, I, I've been wanting to say.
More of a question, really.
I know we haven't known each other that long Mr.
Monk, thank god! Hey, Hal.
- Hey! - The captain just called.
They found a body, Gail Segalis' boyfriend.
He was killed in his restaurant.
I'm sorry, I, I got to go.
Hey.
Do you mind if I tag along? I've never seen a real crime scene, except on TV.
Can he? Can he come? He can be my guest.
Mr.
Monk, it's a crime scene.
It's not a party.
Natalie! It's Hal.
Come on, the captain won't mind.
We'll tell him you're with me.
And that you're just gonna watch.
All right, when we get there, be careful.
You can't get your fingerprints on anything.
Yeah, that would be funny.
'Cause then you'd have to arrest me.
See anything? Nothing much.
Captain! Murder weapon.
Boys found it under the stove.
The handle's cracked.
Is that from hitting the guy? Yeah, that's right.
The serial number's been filed off too.
Makes it almost impossible to trace.
Are you reporting to him now? The serial number's been filed off.
Makes it almost impossible / Thank you.
You know, I read an article about all the crime in this neighborhood, how it's all drug-related.
Nah, this was no junkie, though.
This was personal.
This was very deliberate.
If he'd been that desperate, he would have gone through the victim's pockets.
See? Yep.
I've never known a junkie not to.
And our guy's still wearing his watch, ring - You okay? - Oh! Yeah, I just dropped my shades.
Hey, Monk? Do me a favor.
Check the alley in the back, there.
- See if we missed something.
- Sure.
Be right back.
Hal, this is pretty cool, right? Very cool.
Can you get that down to the lab for me? Hal, can I speak to you for a minute in there? - Sure.
- Thank you.
Here, have a seat.
What's going on? That's exactly what we were wondering, Mr.
Tucker.
You mind telling us why you've been hanging out with Monk? Well, he's a good guy.
He's a lot of fun.
I'm gonna ask you one more time, why are you hanging with Monk? You know he doesn't have any money.
So what? Does he know you have a record? Receiving stolen property.
Yeah.
Yeah, he knows all about it, and he's cool with it.
What's this got to do with you? We love him.
Oh, you do? Then when's the last time you hung out with him, you know, just to hang out, or called him just to talk? He is a great guy.
He's odd and funny and brilliant.
But you wouldn't know that.
I mean, to you, he's just some sort of crime-solving machine.
A robot that you wind up and point at a crime scene and let him do your job for you.
And to you, he's your funny, quirky boss.
That you can make fun of and tell stories about behind his back.
What kind of friends are you? If Adrian Monk has a problem, it's not with me.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
Oh, wow! It's fantastic! That's so smooth.
/ Yeah.
I gotta get one of these things.
We could start a club or something.
Oh, there's your mail.
I'll get it for you.
You get started on this one while I'm gone.
All right.
Mr.
Monk, I finally made it! With my new boyfriend! - Love, Gail.
Oh, I did this one last week.
Yeah, that's great.
Listen, uh, I just remembered.
I have an appointment downtown with a client, so, uh, I'll call you later.
Okay, yeah, Hal! Wait, uh, before you go.
There's, uh, something I've been meaning to say.
Uh I'm really glad we met.
Yeah, me too.
I'll call you.
Yeah, yeah, uh, you know, I, I, I know this sounds childish, but, um if you wanted to say we were best friends, that would be cool with me.
Yeah, sounds great.
Let's do it.
Really? Yeah, look, I really gotta go.
- I'll catch you later.
- Yeah.
Dr.
Kroger.
I'm sorry to call you at home.
He said yes! Why doesn't he call? It's been two and a half days.
Why don't you call him? I did.
I left 14 messages.
Must have said something.
Done something.
I came on too strong.
Scared him off.
So now I'm back to zero friends.
Mr.
Monk, I'm your friend.
'cause I pay you! You don't pay me that much.
There's this girl in my grade, Jenny Merrick.
And when Becky Zucker stopped talking to her, you know what she did? She told everybody that Becky wets her bed.
Thanks, Julie! Oh! That's him.
That's him.
It's him, it's him, it's him, it's him! But how do you know? Who else could it be? You're right here.
Hello? Yeah.
She's right here.
It's for you.
It's your friend, Bonnie.
I'm sorry.
I gave her this number.
Hi.
No, I can't talk right now.
My mom's boss is crying again.
Mr.
Monk, you can't just sit here and sulk.
- It's killing you.
- It's killing me.
You know where he lives, go over there.
He's your friend, right? You know, talk to him.
See what the problem is.
Man to man.
Man to man.
Hello.
- Adrian.
- Who is your friend? - What are you doing here? - Does he work for the phone company? 'Cause your phone must be broken.
I've been calling and calling.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I've just been really busy.
I will not be toyed with, Hal! Look, we were just having dinner.
Where? Where, Scotty's pub? Were you in our booth? Oh, Hal? Look.
I bought tickets for us.
Got, uh, Disney on ice.
That's, like, animals ice skating, I think.
And, uh, women's volleyball, and something called Pearl Jam.
I just want another chance.
Whatever I did, I take it back.
I can change.
I can change.
I've never actually done it, but I'd like to give it a try.
He doesn't like hard rock.
You! Don't know the first thing about Hal, so don't pretend you do.
How does he like his hamburgers, huh? Didn't hear that.
Medium rare! Can you name three of his shirts? 'Cause I can.
The turquoise one, the yellow one, and the one he's wearing now.
Adrian.
Come on.
We had some laughs, but to tell the truth, we don't really have that much in common.
He wets his bed.
What? Michael, I'm sorry.
But we - All right, I understand.
- Yeah.
I'll see you tomorrow.
And don't forget to bring the merchandise.
/ I won't.
Bye-bye, Mikey.
- Adrian.
- Your bag.
Santorini.
What's, what's in here? It's heavy.
You, you bought this in Europe.
Boy, am I glad he's gone, huh? Huh? / He gets so jealous when I'm around my friends, you know? Really? Yeah, you know, Adrian, I'm so glad you're here 'cause, uh, my mother's coming over in a little while.
Would you like to meet her? Your - your mother? - Yeah.
I told her all about you.
Come on, I live right upstairs.
Let's go.
Your, your mom.
Yeah.
Here's the report on the murder weapon.
You know, the firing pin was worn down.
That's why it wouldn't fire.
Maybe we should call Monk in on this one.
Oh, yeah, I already called him.
He's not available.
He's having some kind of problem with Hal.
Hal.
I still can't figure that one out.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? No.
When you showed this gun to Hal and said, "here's the murder weapon," he knew that the killer used it like a club.
That's right, he pointed to the cracked handle.
But we never told him how Tim Hayden died.
You show anybody a handgun and say, "this is the murder weapon," they're gonna assume that the guy had been shot.
- How did he know? - How did he know? Wow.
What a great apartment! Wait, wait, wait.
I just wanna soak it in.
Yeah, you soak it in.
What are you doing? All these windows.
It feels like a fishbowl.
So is this your mother? - Yeah.
- And this is your sister? I don't know.
I know that song.
- What song? - That song you're humming.
The music box at Gail Segalis' house.
You You've been to Greece? Many times.
I've been everywhere.
You had a beard.
Gail Segalis.
She said she'd send me a picture from Greece.
Is that why you kept coming over? She must've taken the picture.
And you were in it.
It would've connected you to Gail, oh, god.
You kept bringing in my mail all that time.
You were just waiting for her letter.
First class, my ass.
That thing took forever.
So you never really liked me? Are you kidding? Spending a day with you is like pulling teeth.
I'm surprised your own shadow keeps you company.
No.
Back up! Back up! Over there.
There.
Open the bottle.
Open it.
Open it! Stolen.
Of course.
You have a record.
You knew you'd be searched at the airport.
That's why you seduced Gail Segalis, to get that through customs.
And then you seduced me.
Come on, Adge.
I was just joking.
You know, I was punking you.
Punk, punking? Yeah.
I was joking.
That gun's not loaded.
I mean, I was just goofing around.
It's it's what best friends do.
- Best friends? - Yeah.
I don't believe you.
Oh, come on.
It's me.
Hal.
It's your old pal Hal.
You know me.
I wouldn't hurt anybody.
Come on.
Let's go over to your place.
Let's order a pizza.
Have it sliced ten ways.
- Maybe polish some rocks.
- Okay.
Okay.
But I'm gonna need that gun.
Hands up, you freak.
So it really is loaded? Yes.
Drop the gun! Drop the gun now! Step away from my friend.
Turn around.
Against the wall.
You okay? Uh, I'll take Pearl Jam.
Good seats? No, I'm sorry.
They're right next to the stage.
Okay, that leaves Disney on ice and women's volleyball.
I'll take women's volleyball.
- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Hey.
Wanna go? With you? Me and you? Why? We don't need a reason.
We're friends.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd like that.
Listen, can we invite Hal, I mean, if he makes bail? Mr.
Monk, he tried to kill you.
No friendship is perfect.
Mr.
Monk, he murdered two people.
All right, I'll sit between you.
- You don't even have to talk to him.
- No, forget it.
Natalie.
I'm punking you.
That's what friends do.
They punk each other.
It's fun, isn't it? Now you see if you can punk me.
- You have a smudge.
- That's not funny.
Don't, don't.
Come on.
What's it called again? What? The music box, what's it called? - Fullness of spring.
- Fullness of spring.
I can't get it out of my head.
I wish we had taken more pictures.
Hey, can you stay for dinner? No.
I told you, I gotta get home.
Well, at least stay for a drink to decompress.
Oh! I'll open the santorini.
I know I promised to save it for a special occasion.
What? I said, it's our one-week anniversary.
I think that's special enough.
What are you doing? I, I thought we could I told you not to open that.
Hey, there's something in here.
What, what is that? Put the bottle down, Gail.
What's going on? You're scaring me.
Put the bottle on the table.
I told you not to open it.
MONK Season 5 Epi.
11 Mr.
Monk Makes A Friend Wait! Wait, I will take plastic.
- It's too late! - Too late.
Vegas is not a vacation.
Vegas is a pilgrimage.
Why don't you want to fly if you want I gotta call you back.
Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? Oh, I am so sorry.
That is all my fault.
Man, they ought to put blinkers on these things.
Is this yours or mine? No, that, that's not mine.
That's yours.
Yeah, well.
Pretty much anything that can kill you, that's gonna be mine.
Yeah.
I mean, look at this.
Soup for one, frozen meat loaf.
I might as well wear a big sign that says, "divorced guy.
" Yeah.
Ah, here.
Hey, you're, uh, you're missing two eggs here.
No, no.
I, uh, I only buy 10 at a time.
I know, it's crazy.
No, it makes perfect sense to me.
It does? Yeah, I mean, why have a decimal system if you're not gonna use it? I mean, why 12? Exactly.
12, so arbitrary.
What's this? Uh, that's bubble wrap.
Protect the apple.
Did, did they do this for you? No, no.
I bring my own.
They, they always tease me about it.
Yeah, well, who's laughing now? - Look at that thing.
It's perfect.
- Yeah.
Whereas mine it's all bruised and scuffed up.
You're a genius.
Ah, I don't know about genius.
I like your style, you know? You play by your own rules.
That's one way of looking at it, I guess.
Hal, Hal Tucker.
Adrian Monk.
Yeah.
Oh, did I do that? Oh, it's nothing.
Just a little juice it's nothing.
/ You got to send me the bill for that.
No, no.
I have a hundred shirts just like it at home.
I mean 99 now.
Well, I always pay my debts.
Adrian Monk, I'm gonna look you up.
I'm gonna pay you back.
I love this song.
My grandfather used to sing it to me all the time.
You okay? Ah, yeah.
Can we, uh, think we could put down the, uh the, um The toilet seat? Nope.
Tech guys haven't been here yet.
We can't touch anything.
Yeah.
yeah, okay.
Okay, so, uh somebody was in the shower.
And then, uh so the, um I can't, I can't, I can't think.
Um Nah, keep it.
Just keep it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Candle's full of water.
These are soaking wet.
Okay, he was in the shower.
Something happened, she said something.
He was upset.
He opened the shower curtain, didn't even bother to stop to turn off the water.
He grabbed the top towel.
Went into the other room and killed her.
You're pretty damned good when the toilet seat's down.
Captain, we know her.
Uh, knew her.
- Knew who? - Uh, the victim.
She was a dispatcher at the old precinct.
No kidding.
Oh, yeah.
About 10 years ago.
- Gail something.
- Gail.
Gail Segalis.
Oh, my god.
I used to carpool with her.
Oh, she was always talking about trips she wanted to take.
She said if she ever made it to the Parthenon, she was gonna send me a picture.
Well, looks like she made it.
Hey, is this a boyfriend? I love boyfriends.
Let's find him.
Yes, sir.
What's this? Hmm? What do you got? I don't know.
The price is in Euros.
She brought it back with her.
Uh, where's the wine? Probably drank it.
Where's the bottle? Hello? Yes.
He's right here.
Who's this? The what? A friend of whose? This is Adrian Monk.
What number are you calling? Uh, yeah.
Hold on.
Uh, Mr.
Monk? It's Hal? Hal? Hal? He called me? Hello? Yeah, yeah, of course I remember you.
Yeah.
Oh, it was yeah, it was nice meeting you too.
Bumping into you.
All right, I get it, I get it.
It was a play on words.
Yeah.
Huh? Oh, that was, that was just my assistant Natalie.
Huh? Uh, uh, hold on.
Hold on, I'll see.
Are you hot? What? What, tom, tomorrow? Oh, sure.
I sure, that sounds okay.
Okay.
Yeah, that sounds great.
All right, okay, great.
I'll see you then.
That was Hal.
Who is Hal? Oh, he's just a guy.
He's a friend.
We're going to the hockey game tomorrow.
- The hockey game? - Yeah.
Hey, Kramer, what're you doing tomorrow? - Going to the beach with the kids.
- Can't go with you.
I'm going to the hockey game.
Captain, you don't need me tomorrow, do you? No.
Good, 'cause I'm going to the game.
Yeah.
I heard.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! He's gonna be here any minute! Any minute! Julie, Julie, put on some music.
Please, Natalie, don't go away.
Stay, stay right there.
I need you.
I need you.
Natalie? - Which one? Which? - They're exactly - Which one? That one! Mr.
Monk, you're gonna have a heart attack.
No, no.
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
Just, uh, just, uh keep going, ask me another one.
Uh, okay, uh, what's a forward line? Ah, in professional hockey.
The forward line consists of the right wing and the left wing.
And the center.
This year the Sharks have had a outstanding forward line.
Outstanding.
Let's, let's say their names.
Okay, Joe Thornton.
Uh, uh, uh oh, Kaspar, no! Mr.
Monk, why don't you just be honest? Tell him it's your first game.
No, no, no.
I tried that honesty thing.
It was a total disaster.
No, no, no, no, julie.
No, no, no, not classical.
Put on something cool.
You know, the rock and the roll.
- You don't have any rock and roll.
- Well, not not classical.
Anything but classical.
Mr.
Monk, he's just a guy.
He can't be the first friend you've ever had.
What are you doing? - I'm cleaning.
- No, I don't want it too clean! He'll think I'm some kind of a freak.
I left five crumbs out.
Yeah, I only see one, two, three, four.
Four! God! Four.
Here, here it is.
Okay, there it is.
Adrian? Hey, Hal! Hey, there.
I hope you don't mind I let myself in.
Oh, Hal's here.
I brought in your mail.
Hey, nice crib.
Oh, yeah, uh, thanks.
Patriotic, I like that.
Most people wouldn't have the guts.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
So this is my crib.
Yeah.
Excuse the mess, okay? What mess? Well, you know, the crumbs, there's five crumbs there.
This is Natalie.
Oh, his girl Friday.
Well, it's nice to put a face to the voice, especially a face like that.
Funny, right? And this is, uh um, uh - Julie.
- Doh! - Hello.
- Hi.
Hal.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, are you guys hockey fans? Next time I'll get four tickets.
The coach is a client of mine.
Oh, what do you do? Antiques.
Import/export.
Don't redecorate your room without calling me first.
Rugs, tables.
You name it, I'll get it, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
So, you ready to roll? It's gonna be a great game.
Absolutely.
Go Sharks! Oh, I love it! That's great.
- We'll see you later.
- We'll see you later.
I like him.
Yeah, I do too.
Wonder what he's up to.
Take the shot! Come on, take the shot! Take the shot! Take the shot! How about these seats, huh? Oh, they're excellent.
- They're really bolted in.
- Yeah.
Go Sharks! Oh, hell! Did you see that? What the hell was that? The hell if I know! What the hell was that? Hell.
Cheech is really off his game tonight.
Yes.
Yes, last year, Jonathan Cheechoo, whose nickname is Cheech, was the third highest-scoring right wing in the league.
He was born in Ontario.
Really? That's interesting.
- It is? - Yeah.
All right! All right.
Smudge.
What? There's a smudge.
On the glass.
It's on the inside.
We can't get it.
Right.
It's no big deal, right? No.
Who cares? Right? Let's just think about something else.
Hey! Hey, there's a smudge here.
Can you get that smudge? There's a smudge right there.
Yeah, right there.
Just take it out.
No.
No, no, no, wait.
There's a some Come back! - there's still some left.
- Hey, down in front! You got a problem? With him, not with you.
You got a problem with him, you got a problem with me.
Okay, no big deal.
It's embarrassing.
No! It's a great idea.
It's a battle zone out there.
They should hand these things out at the door.
Hal! I thought that was you.
Eddie Lawson from the firm.
Yeah, man, how you doing? You look good, man.
How long you been out? - About a year-and-a-half.
- A year-and-a-half? You had a better lawyer than me.
Hey, you ever talk to Charlie the pirate? Sometimes.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah, well, tell him to call me.
He still owes me 50 large from that thing.
I'll do that.
I gotta go.
Take it easy.
But take it.
See you.
Well, now you know.
You did some time.
I bought some coins in Turkey.
Beautiful pieces.
11th century.
Turns out they were hot.
I did 8 months.
I was gonna tell you earlier, but then I found out you were a cop and if you wanted to go home right now, I mean, I wouldn't blame you.
Why would I want to go home? I'm having a great time.
- Really? - Yeah.
So we're still on for tomorrow, then.
Yeah.
/ All right.
I told you, I was at my restaurant all day.
I got 15 people on staff.
Why don't you ask them? Well, they work for you, right? They're not gonna lie for me.
Not about this.
I mean, you work for him, right? You gonna lie for him? I mean, about a murder? I think about that a lot, actually.
I mean, of course, it would depend on a number of factors We're not talking about him.
We're talking about you.
I took her to Greece.
She'd been wanting to go for years.
She got back Friday morning.
She was dead three hours later.
I didn't come back with her.
She dumped me.
She met someone at the hotel.
Second day we were there.
So I decided to come back early, Tuesday night.
- You can check that too.
- Oh? Who was he? She wouldn't tell me his name.
I saw him.
He had a beard.
I guess she likes beards.
- And money.
- How do you know? About the money, not the beard.
I could smell it.
Plus, he gave her a bottle of wine.
Santorini, it must have cost him 500 bucks.
Would you recognize him again if you saw him? Oh, yeah.
Call Athens, check the hotel guest lists against the list of passengers on her flight home.
- Yes, sir.
- Did you hear that? Sorry, I wasn't listening.
I'll, I'll hear the tape.
We didn't record it.
That's okay.
I was half-listening, so I'll play it back in my head later.
Mr.
Monk was just telling me about his big date.
You mean the guy on the phone? I thought that was a prank.
No, why, why would you think it was a prank? No reason.
Uh, how was the hockey game? Great! Great game.
We won.
The San Jose Sharks 4, visitors 2.
It was a lot of fun.
It was so much fun.
And then later we went out for brews and beer.
Brews and beer? Actually, there is Monk, you know that I worked Vice for a couple of years? / Yeah.
Sometimes a scam artist will spend a couple of days with a guy before asking him for money.
- It's called softening the mark.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hal is not a con artist, no.
Why would anybody con me? I don't have any money.
Does he know you don't have any money? Yeah.
/ Did you tell him you don't have any money? Wait.
Wait.
I think I know what this is about.
You guys are worried that I'm gonna ask him to be my best friend.
Don't worry.
Please.
Hal and I just met.
We are nowhere near making that kind of commitment.
You guys.
Unbelievable.
What kinda guy do you think I am? - Ah, this is the life, huh? - Yeah.
A sonny chow movie, pepperoni pizza, a couple of guys hanging out.
Absolutely.
I'm sorry I had to send that first one back.
Oh, don't worry about it.
No, you were totally right.
Sliced 10 ways makes all the difference.
- That's all I'm saying.
- Yeah.
Hey, listen, I'm gonna go help myself to one of those bruise-free apples.
- You want one? - No.
I'm good.
All right.
Oh, your mail's here.
I'll get it for you.
Junk mail.
Don't you hate it? Yeah.
All those trees chopped down just to make a bunch of stupid catalogs.
Right.
I love this part.
I can see why.
Oh, yeah.
Crank it up.
Sorry, we're closed.
Closed on Mondays.
I want to make a reservation.
Call tomorrow.
We're open at noon.
Yeah, but I'm here now.
It'll only take a minute.
Come on, I promised my wife.
Hi, you, Tim.
Remember me? We met in Greece.
- Yeah, I remember.
- Yeah.
- You shaved your beard.
- Yeah.
Gail didn't like it.
You remember Gail, don't you? The cops are looking for you.
I know that, Tim.
That's why I'm here.
They show you any mug shots of me? - Not yet.
- Good.
Then I'm not too late.
You know, he sounds like a great guy.
He is.
Oh, he's a great guy! Well, having a good friend, Adrian, is a blessing.
Yeah.
- He's outside right now waiting for me.
- Really? Yeah, we're going back to my place after the session, just to hang, you know, out.
That's what we do.
We hang out.
We went out last night, me and Hal.
- To a bar! - To a bar? Yeah, it was so much fun! You should have seen Hal.
He was talking to two girls at once.
Saying, saying funny things.
Everybody was laughing and Adrian, this is, this is really amazing.
And it's very significant.
I always wanted a best friend.
I used to pray for it every Christmas.
Best friend.
That's what was missing.
One friend would have made it all bearable.
Well you had Trudy.
That was different.
Trudy loved me.
But Hal likes me.
Beautifully put.
You know what I'm gonna do? I just decided.
I'm gonna ask Hal if he'll be my best friend.
You know, I, I've never heard it put quite that way.
I just have to figure out when to pop the question.
Do you have any advice? - About - About when to pop the question! No! No, I, I don't.
Nothing.
No.
Oh, hey, buddy.
How'd it go? I think it went pretty well.
I told him all about you.
Oh, hey, I'm famous.
So, you want to head over to your place? You promised to show me that rock polisher.
I'm parked right over here.
- You okay? - Yeah, yeah.
Look, uh, just something, uh, I, I've been wanting to say.
More of a question, really.
I know we haven't known each other that long Mr.
Monk, thank god! Hey, Hal.
- Hey! - The captain just called.
They found a body, Gail Segalis' boyfriend.
He was killed in his restaurant.
I'm sorry, I, I got to go.
Hey.
Do you mind if I tag along? I've never seen a real crime scene, except on TV.
Can he? Can he come? He can be my guest.
Mr.
Monk, it's a crime scene.
It's not a party.
Natalie! It's Hal.
Come on, the captain won't mind.
We'll tell him you're with me.
And that you're just gonna watch.
All right, when we get there, be careful.
You can't get your fingerprints on anything.
Yeah, that would be funny.
'Cause then you'd have to arrest me.
See anything? Nothing much.
Captain! Murder weapon.
Boys found it under the stove.
The handle's cracked.
Is that from hitting the guy? Yeah, that's right.
The serial number's been filed off too.
Makes it almost impossible to trace.
Are you reporting to him now? The serial number's been filed off.
Makes it almost impossible / Thank you.
You know, I read an article about all the crime in this neighborhood, how it's all drug-related.
Nah, this was no junkie, though.
This was personal.
This was very deliberate.
If he'd been that desperate, he would have gone through the victim's pockets.
See? Yep.
I've never known a junkie not to.
And our guy's still wearing his watch, ring - You okay? - Oh! Yeah, I just dropped my shades.
Hey, Monk? Do me a favor.
Check the alley in the back, there.
- See if we missed something.
- Sure.
Be right back.
Hal, this is pretty cool, right? Very cool.
Can you get that down to the lab for me? Hal, can I speak to you for a minute in there? - Sure.
- Thank you.
Here, have a seat.
What's going on? That's exactly what we were wondering, Mr.
Tucker.
You mind telling us why you've been hanging out with Monk? Well, he's a good guy.
He's a lot of fun.
I'm gonna ask you one more time, why are you hanging with Monk? You know he doesn't have any money.
So what? Does he know you have a record? Receiving stolen property.
Yeah.
Yeah, he knows all about it, and he's cool with it.
What's this got to do with you? We love him.
Oh, you do? Then when's the last time you hung out with him, you know, just to hang out, or called him just to talk? He is a great guy.
He's odd and funny and brilliant.
But you wouldn't know that.
I mean, to you, he's just some sort of crime-solving machine.
A robot that you wind up and point at a crime scene and let him do your job for you.
And to you, he's your funny, quirky boss.
That you can make fun of and tell stories about behind his back.
What kind of friends are you? If Adrian Monk has a problem, it's not with me.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
Oh, wow! It's fantastic! That's so smooth.
/ Yeah.
I gotta get one of these things.
We could start a club or something.
Oh, there's your mail.
I'll get it for you.
You get started on this one while I'm gone.
All right.
Mr.
Monk, I finally made it! With my new boyfriend! - Love, Gail.
Oh, I did this one last week.
Yeah, that's great.
Listen, uh, I just remembered.
I have an appointment downtown with a client, so, uh, I'll call you later.
Okay, yeah, Hal! Wait, uh, before you go.
There's, uh, something I've been meaning to say.
Uh I'm really glad we met.
Yeah, me too.
I'll call you.
Yeah, yeah, uh, you know, I, I, I know this sounds childish, but, um if you wanted to say we were best friends, that would be cool with me.
Yeah, sounds great.
Let's do it.
Really? Yeah, look, I really gotta go.
- I'll catch you later.
- Yeah.
Dr.
Kroger.
I'm sorry to call you at home.
He said yes! Why doesn't he call? It's been two and a half days.
Why don't you call him? I did.
I left 14 messages.
Must have said something.
Done something.
I came on too strong.
Scared him off.
So now I'm back to zero friends.
Mr.
Monk, I'm your friend.
'cause I pay you! You don't pay me that much.
There's this girl in my grade, Jenny Merrick.
And when Becky Zucker stopped talking to her, you know what she did? She told everybody that Becky wets her bed.
Thanks, Julie! Oh! That's him.
That's him.
It's him, it's him, it's him, it's him! But how do you know? Who else could it be? You're right here.
Hello? Yeah.
She's right here.
It's for you.
It's your friend, Bonnie.
I'm sorry.
I gave her this number.
Hi.
No, I can't talk right now.
My mom's boss is crying again.
Mr.
Monk, you can't just sit here and sulk.
- It's killing you.
- It's killing me.
You know where he lives, go over there.
He's your friend, right? You know, talk to him.
See what the problem is.
Man to man.
Man to man.
Hello.
- Adrian.
- Who is your friend? - What are you doing here? - Does he work for the phone company? 'Cause your phone must be broken.
I've been calling and calling.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I've just been really busy.
I will not be toyed with, Hal! Look, we were just having dinner.
Where? Where, Scotty's pub? Were you in our booth? Oh, Hal? Look.
I bought tickets for us.
Got, uh, Disney on ice.
That's, like, animals ice skating, I think.
And, uh, women's volleyball, and something called Pearl Jam.
I just want another chance.
Whatever I did, I take it back.
I can change.
I can change.
I've never actually done it, but I'd like to give it a try.
He doesn't like hard rock.
You! Don't know the first thing about Hal, so don't pretend you do.
How does he like his hamburgers, huh? Didn't hear that.
Medium rare! Can you name three of his shirts? 'Cause I can.
The turquoise one, the yellow one, and the one he's wearing now.
Adrian.
Come on.
We had some laughs, but to tell the truth, we don't really have that much in common.
He wets his bed.
What? Michael, I'm sorry.
But we - All right, I understand.
- Yeah.
I'll see you tomorrow.
And don't forget to bring the merchandise.
/ I won't.
Bye-bye, Mikey.
- Adrian.
- Your bag.
Santorini.
What's, what's in here? It's heavy.
You, you bought this in Europe.
Boy, am I glad he's gone, huh? Huh? / He gets so jealous when I'm around my friends, you know? Really? Yeah, you know, Adrian, I'm so glad you're here 'cause, uh, my mother's coming over in a little while.
Would you like to meet her? Your - your mother? - Yeah.
I told her all about you.
Come on, I live right upstairs.
Let's go.
Your, your mom.
Yeah.
Here's the report on the murder weapon.
You know, the firing pin was worn down.
That's why it wouldn't fire.
Maybe we should call Monk in on this one.
Oh, yeah, I already called him.
He's not available.
He's having some kind of problem with Hal.
Hal.
I still can't figure that one out.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? No.
When you showed this gun to Hal and said, "here's the murder weapon," he knew that the killer used it like a club.
That's right, he pointed to the cracked handle.
But we never told him how Tim Hayden died.
You show anybody a handgun and say, "this is the murder weapon," they're gonna assume that the guy had been shot.
- How did he know? - How did he know? Wow.
What a great apartment! Wait, wait, wait.
I just wanna soak it in.
Yeah, you soak it in.
What are you doing? All these windows.
It feels like a fishbowl.
So is this your mother? - Yeah.
- And this is your sister? I don't know.
I know that song.
- What song? - That song you're humming.
The music box at Gail Segalis' house.
You You've been to Greece? Many times.
I've been everywhere.
You had a beard.
Gail Segalis.
She said she'd send me a picture from Greece.
Is that why you kept coming over? She must've taken the picture.
And you were in it.
It would've connected you to Gail, oh, god.
You kept bringing in my mail all that time.
You were just waiting for her letter.
First class, my ass.
That thing took forever.
So you never really liked me? Are you kidding? Spending a day with you is like pulling teeth.
I'm surprised your own shadow keeps you company.
No.
Back up! Back up! Over there.
There.
Open the bottle.
Open it.
Open it! Stolen.
Of course.
You have a record.
You knew you'd be searched at the airport.
That's why you seduced Gail Segalis, to get that through customs.
And then you seduced me.
Come on, Adge.
I was just joking.
You know, I was punking you.
Punk, punking? Yeah.
I was joking.
That gun's not loaded.
I mean, I was just goofing around.
It's it's what best friends do.
- Best friends? - Yeah.
I don't believe you.
Oh, come on.
It's me.
Hal.
It's your old pal Hal.
You know me.
I wouldn't hurt anybody.
Come on.
Let's go over to your place.
Let's order a pizza.
Have it sliced ten ways.
- Maybe polish some rocks.
- Okay.
Okay.
But I'm gonna need that gun.
Hands up, you freak.
So it really is loaded? Yes.
Drop the gun! Drop the gun now! Step away from my friend.
Turn around.
Against the wall.
You okay? Uh, I'll take Pearl Jam.
Good seats? No, I'm sorry.
They're right next to the stage.
Okay, that leaves Disney on ice and women's volleyball.
I'll take women's volleyball.
- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Hey.
Wanna go? With you? Me and you? Why? We don't need a reason.
We're friends.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd like that.
Listen, can we invite Hal, I mean, if he makes bail? Mr.
Monk, he tried to kill you.
No friendship is perfect.
Mr.
Monk, he murdered two people.
All right, I'll sit between you.
- You don't even have to talk to him.
- No, forget it.
Natalie.
I'm punking you.
That's what friends do.
They punk each other.
It's fun, isn't it? Now you see if you can punk me.
- You have a smudge.
- That's not funny.
Don't, don't.
Come on.