My Family (2000) s05e11 Episode Script

(# Humming theme from High Noon) So Gary Cooper throws down his sheriff's badge into the dust, cracks his whip and drives off with Grace Kelly into who knows where.
Very good.
You know, films can teach us a lot, Roger, like when to leave.
- Do you ever yearn for the prairies, Ben? - Yup.
I'm starting to.
The wide open spaces, the campfire, the stars overhead.
No witnesses.
Is there a point to this, Roger? I've been looking to the old west for inspiration on how to lead the simple life, and that's what I will be leading, now they've put the rent up on this place.
What? It's only 15%.
Well, that may not be much to a big city slicker like you, but I'm just a little old cowpoke.
Among other things.
You may have to move to a cheaper area.
No, not if I do it the cowboy way.
It'll be like a cattle drive, only replace cattle with economy.
Roger, this is a crisis! You're on the gallows, right? And Clint Eastwood is not around to shoot through the rope.
Ben, don't you think you're taking this cowboy thing a bit far? Besides, all I have to do is make some small lifestyle adjustments.
For instance, this sandwich, no filling.
That is a saving of 30 pence.
- It's good, isn't it? - That is great, Roger.
You'll be interested in the buy one get one free offer at the supermarket.
- Buy one get one free? - Yeah.
I think they call it BOGOF.
- Socks.
- I beg your pardon? - Socks.
- Oh, right.
I think they're knitted woollen tubes for keeping your feet warm, which 17-year-olds should be able to identify for themselves.
- Oh, and I don't? - Well, do you? - Your father and I are having an early night.
- I thought not.
I'm meeting up with the guys.
Going to tag a few bridges down by the river.
Oh, why didn't you say? In that case, find your own damn socks.
Oh! Cha! Brr! Brr! Oooh! Oh! Oh! Brr! Hah! Shoo! Whooh! Ben, I spent hours doing that.
Thank you very much.
Every day seems the same.
I spend my time hunting socks, making beds My last bit of excitement was you blowing a gasket when you found your Dire Straits CD in my folk section.
- Even our arguments are predictable.
- They are not.
You see? I never let myself be wild and spontaneous.
- Plenty of time for that, baby.
- I'm serious, Ben.
It feels like I've been married forever.
My life's become so dull, so monotonous.
So dull.
Maybe you could sort of vary the time you make the bed.
I can vary the length of your life.
I need to redefine myself as something other than wife and a mother.
How about clinically insane? I mean, look at Janey.
She's so unpredictable.
She was meant to spend the evening with me, then she let me down.
Who would have seen that coming? So thoughtless, so impulsive It's wonderful.
I wish I could live my life like that.
You're wanting to swap lives with her, then.
- That's it, Ben! That's brilliant! - No, it isn't.
I'm an idiot.
A house swap with Janey for a week, living like a single woman.
Are you mad? You know how tiny her flat is.
I could just lock you in the wardrobe for a week.
I might just do that anyway.
I want to live out all the single, reckless experiences I never had.
I want to be able to mix up Dire Straits with Joni Mitchell.
In fact, I want to organise my CDs by colour.
How dare you? Anyway, Susan, you are not single.
Married people have to compromise.
Oh, Ben, thank you.
I couldn't have done it without your blessing.
Mor - No breakfast? - Not today.
But it's Sunday.
We always have coffee and croissants on Sunday.
Since we've been married, we've had croissants on Sunday, but as of today, I'm officially single.
But it's morning.
You're supposed to have forgotten it.
Sorry, Ben.
It's all arranged.
Janey will be here any minute to start our life swap.
- She agreed? - Yes.
That's how we impulsive people do things.
All right.
If we're not officially married this week, you won't mind if I take my coffee and croissant up to bed with me.
- It's up to you.
- Really? Oh, good.
And I'll drop flaky bits of pastry into the clean sheets.
(Spluttering) I'll leave a big, damp coffee cup ring on the bedside table.
- It's your choice, Ben.
- My choice? Oh, good.
- This experiment's going to be fun.
- (Door opening) - Aha! That'll be Janey.
- Or maybe not.
Let's get this show on the road.
- Car keys, please.
- Oh, ah I don't remember you having a car when we first met.
Oh, yeah, I did.
Mm.
- Hi.
- Hi, Janey.
No Kenzo? Maxine's got him.
She needs a supply of clean urine.
- What? - Janey, this is going to be so much fun.
- I can be you and you can be me.
- Yeah.
Where's the emergency money? - On top of the fridge.
- Don't tell her! All right.
There's not going to be an emergency.
Is there, Janey? No, which is why I can spend it.
Well, that's me off, then.
Enjoy the kids.
- Bye.
- What? What the hell's got into your mother? - Life swap? - I know.
- She's crazy.
- You're going along with it.
I mean crazy to swap this for my spider hole.
What was she thinking? So you're not really taking over your mother's role, then? Of course not.
You are, and I believe today is laundry day.
No, Sunday.
Sunday.
It's It's, er It's sacred.
- Where's Mum? I've run out of socks.
- Dad'll deal with it.
No, you don't! I'm not standing for this! You're my daughter.
You're my son.
I'm master of this house.
I'm putting my foot down, and checking into a hotel.
Wow! Even I didn't expect him to break that quickly.
Good morning, sir.
A room, is it? No.
A sack of new potatoes, please.
Oh, sarcasm.
I shall enjoy you.
We'll see.
Now, I may stay for the week, but we'll start with one night and see how we get on.
No shame in booking just for the afternoon, sir.
We get that here all the time.
- No, really, I want to stay for the week.
- I see.
Feeling lucky.
Now, we do have a couple of rooms available for the week on the second floor.
- Fine.
- Well, that'll be L200, please, sir.
- And for one night? - Yes, that is just for the one night, sir.
- Could I think about it for a moment, please? - Certainly.
I'm sure she's worth it, sir.
I've thought about it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll give this three stars.
Single again.
No husband, no responsibilities, I feel young.
I feel invigorated.
I feel I can do anything.
OK, just one rule - keep out of my face and you'll be fine.
So you're not planning to pick us off one by one like in a horror movie? Don't be a nerd, Michael.
And what do you mean, "Us"? Hi, Janey.
- You? What are you doing here? - Pilates.
You should try them.
- Help with the stretchmarks.
- I don't have stretchmarks.
- All right, wrinkles.
- Good one, Abi.
Here, Michael, while I'm in this house, no backchat, no loud music, no visitors.
- I thought there was only one rule? - I make the rules.
Adapt or die.
Die, please.
You know, this life swap might not be a bad idea after all.
Yeah, this could be me in 15 years' time.
Yeah, big house, servant, me as mother, and Michael, you can be Kenzo.
Whatever.
You're not still breast-feeding, are you? This is ridiculous.
(Phone ringing) Hello.
Susan Riggs.
- You're using your maiden name, are you? - Who's speaking? This insanity has got to stop.
Janey running rings around you already, is she? I wouldn't know.
I'm not at home.
I'm in a lovely luxury hotel, and it's lovely.
A bit extravagant, isn't it? Maybe, when I was married with kids, but now I'm single I'm twice as single as you'll ever be.
Er, sorry.
Sorry, Susan.
Come in.
Oh, sorry.
It's room service.
Come in, mate.
Ah, yeah, that's me, the crayfish terrine, and the lavender creme brulée.
Lovely.
Oh, put it over there.
That's it.
Oh, champagne? Put it by the four-poster.
Thank you so much.
Bye-bye.
- Sorry, Susan, where was I? - In the surgery, by the sound of it.
- How do you know? - I can hear the fish.
Good night, Ben.
- Susan, can't we just call this whole thing off? - No.
It's only for a week.
Look on the bright side.
You can brush your teeth without getting out of bed.
Good afternoon.
I represent Rontel Gas.
Could I speak to your daddy, please? - Daddy's moved out.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
Chin up, lad, eh? What about your mummy, then? Mummy's moved out too.
More than sad.
Look, could I speak to the head of the household? Sure.
Janey, it's for you.
Don't let the nasty social services man split us up again, Janey.
- Can I help you? - Good afternoon, madam.
I'm from Rontel Gas.
Oh, I'm sorry.
My husband deals with the utilities and he's at work at the moment.
- All I need is your - Goodbye.
That was easy.
My husband My husband.
Nice to meet you.
I'd like you to meet my husband.
Pleased to meet you.
How do you do? Oh, God.
I'm caught in a 3-D version of the Stepford Wives.
Excuse me, I'm going to prepare Jonathan's supper.
- Who's Jonathan? - My husband.
Your daddy.
(Screaming) Oh, my God (Coughing) Oh, ah Morning, ladies.
- No! Mr Harper! - Oh, did I frighten you, Bella? I nearly had a heart attack, and Jessica's a nervous patient.
That's why I'm dressed like this, less threatening.
Then perhaps you'd better do up your gown? Oh, look at this.
I've been looking for this.
Right, nice and warm for you, Jessica.
Hop on.
Er look, Bella Yes, Mr Harper? You're fired.
Pervert! Wow! You look odd.
What happened to your hair? A wife should make an effort to look nice for her husband.
I don't want to look like I've been scrubbing.
You haven't been.
I've done it all.
There, Kenzo.
Nice and smart for Daddy.
If I was smart, I'd have run away with the circus by now.
That's enough lip from you, little man, or, when Jonathan gets home, he'll show you the back of his hand.
He'll have to wrap it in bandages, won't he? Else, how will I see it? - Abi, can you keep a secret? - Oh, yeah! - I never told about Mikey's vandalism charge.
- (Mikey) Hey! The thing is, Jonathan didn't come home last night.
I feel so humiliated.
Don't worry, Janey.
I had a fantasy man for about a year.
They always leave you.
The sex is great, though.
Oh, right, OK, Mr Gent, all finished.
Up you come.
I'll see you in six months.
Oh, make that nine months.
Howdy, pardner.
Another long day sets over the corral.
Ooh! Designer stubble.
Very gringo.
Well, that's me off, then, Ben, back to my budget beans on toast.
- Have you seen Shane? - Right, I really must get going.
- Great.
I can walk out with you.
- Ohhh K.
We'll be like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, when they blast their way out of the barn.
Pow! Yup.
I'll be right behind you, Roger.
Bye.
(Roger) Adios, compadre.
(Phone ringing) Hello? No.
Janey's not here at the moment.
Me? I'm Janey's sister.
So, what are you girls up to tonight? Uh-huh.
Oh, that's cool.
Sounds mega.
What makes you think I'm her mother? Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong And I grew strong And I learned how to get along And so, you're back, from outer space # I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face # Parents' evening? Come on, Helen, not you as well? How many parents do they need? Let's party.
I can't have fun being single on my own.
Cos you're not welcome any more Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye? Did you think I'd crumble? Bon appétit, Susan.
Oh, no, not I, I will survive Bon appétit, Ben.
As long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live I don't even like my own cooking.
# And I'll survive, I will survive # Yeah.
You should see this place now, a real lad's pad, all leather and chrome gadgets.
It's a dentist's surgery.
It's always been leather and chrome.
(Vacuum cleaner) - What's that noise? - It's Formula One on the telly.
Vince, Vince, turn it down.
It's my wife.
Who's Vince? - Have you got someone there? - Yeah.
A few of the lads popped over to see the game, sink a few cool ales.
He's the cleaner, isn't he? Yep.
So you've got no friends round? - I don't need friends to have a good time.
- Neither do I.
Oh, Ben, this thing was supposed to be fun, but it's not.
It's dull.
Dull, dull, dull.
I miss you all.
Do you know, I accidentally cooked a meal for six.
I hate being single.
Does this mean you're giving up your ludicrous experiment? No.
We're on to phase two.
- Oh, God.
- You and me getting together.
- We need to have a first date.
- What? You're single.
I'm single.
- Susie Riggs, are you asking me out? - Yes.
Sorry, love.
Washing my hair.
- Oh, Roger, tell me I'm dreaming! - Oh, Ben, please tell me I'm not dreaming.
- Don't tell me you're? - Yeah, living upstairs.
- I want to get my rent's worth.
- But I see you leave every night.
That's the clever part.
I hide round the corner for an hour, then creep back in through the fire escape and then belly crawl past your door.
Which was the clever part? Why didn't you just tell me? I didn't want you to think I was some sort of loser.
But now that you're living here as well, we're not losers, are we? We're winners.
Yippee-kai-yay! We can bunk down together every night and spin yarns round the campfire.
Sorry, Roger.
I've got a date.
Michael I mean Kenzo - You haven't been out spraying graffiti again? - No, Mum I mean, Janey.
I've been correcting spelling mistakes.
I ask you, chilling without the G.
You know, I blame your father for this.
Which one, the absent one or the invisible one? They're all the same.
Everything's fine, and then he starts complaining of stress, and one night, he's not at the office party like he said, no, no.
He's at a Travelodge off the M6 with Rhonda from personnel.
Have you been sniffing my cans? Well, if he can do it, I can do it.
I'm having an affair.
(Sobbing) Well, well Susie Riggs.
- Mum and Dad in? - Why don't you come in and find out? - Here.
- What's this? An itinerary.
For a date? I like to think of it more as a dramatic reconstruction.
We have to recreate our first date to the letter.
- Oh, let's jump to Z for zowie! - No, no.
Don't try to rush things.
- I'm behaving like I did on our first date.
- What sort of girl do you think I am? know what sort of girl you are.
I married you.
Not yet.
We're sticking to the schedule.
You booked us a table for 8:30.
Oh, really? Did I book it? Yes, I What's this? 10:45pm, Ben pays for meal? Yes, just like you did on our first date.
Only trying to get lucky.
Let's see if I did.
I left that line blank.
Let the insanity begin.
It had better not be expensive.
I can't believe you're being a cheapskate on our first date.
Wait till you get to know me better.
Oh, and by the way, I don't want kids.
Oh, Ben, it's perfect.
It hasn't changed in 27 years.
Not that we've been here before.
Look, even the plastic lobster's still there.
Not that I've seen it before.
Cut it out, Susan.
Not that I know you that well.
That's the spirit.
You remember Gino, the maitre d' who used to whistle Volare, with the tight buns? They were bread sticks.
Anyway, he'll be long gone.
Which is a relief, after the embarrassing scene you made about the spaghetti.
- It was tagliatelle.
- I think you'll find it wasn't.
Anyway, even if he was here, he wouldn't remember us.
You! I surprised you are still together.
Constantly bickering.
Che casino! That thing with the tagliatelle What do you mean? This is our first date.
- Whatever you want to believe, Signora.
- Signorina.
As I say, whatever you want to believe.
This way, please.
(# Whistling Volare) Your table.
Right, we'll have a bottle of merlot, tagliatelle con funghi, lasagne for the lady.
Ben, don't be so presumptuous.
- OK.
What would you like, darling? - Could I have a few more minutes? - Apart from that.
- I'll have the lasagne, please.
- I said she'd have the lasagne.
- That's not the point.
We have to behave as we did on our first date.
I can assure you, madame, you are.
Mademoiselle.
Still tight.
(Mobile ringing) - No.
No.
- What? - Mobiles don't exist yet.
- (Ringing continues) - Then what's making that annoying noise? - Apart from you? - No.
Give it to me.
- Susan, stop it.
You can't let the phone ring.
- Stop it, Susan! - Amore.
Hello? - (Breaking glass) - (Janey shrieking) Dad, things are getting weird.
So, what was the big emergency? Nothing.
All normal.
Where's my drink? Gino! Ben, it says here we go on to a club after dinner.
Let's do it.
The night is still young.
- But we're not.
- Where's your sense of adventure? I'm not the one who brought an itinerary on a date.
- Right.
- What are you doing? Filling in that blank line, and it's not looking good.
- You can't rewrite history.
- Why not? I've got the pen.
You know, you're so tied up with facts, you've forgotten the feelings.
No, I haven't.
They're itemised on the back page.
No, no.
Close your eyes.
- What? - Close your eyes.
You're not going to run away, are you? I'm going to take you back to our first date.
Close your eyes.
Remember, it was nearing the end of the evening, and neither of us could bear to say good night.
Yes.
We were breathless with anticipation.
There was no moon at all, and we tiptoed ever so quietly.
You were tearing at my tank top.
Yes.
And there we were, under the diplodocus in the Natural History Museum.
- I don't remember that.
- (Gino) You called, sir? - Not now! - Oh, mamma mia! Mamma mia! - No, no.
It wasn't there.
- It was there.
No.
The diplodocus, I would have remembered that.
But then, where? Oh, you're right.
Now I remember.
It was on top of the bus shelter in the Brompton Road.
It still wasn't me.
Oh, Ben! (Laughing) - Well, I'm glad you find this so funny.
- Come on, Ben.
It is a bit funny.
- You know what this means? - Yeah.
Somebody else can stump up for the meal.
Hello.
For all this time, I've been trying to live out the reckless single lifestyle I never had when all the time, I've already had it.
- At least twice.
- No, I think it was more than that.
OK.
OK.
I get the picture.
But now, I'm prepared to be dull and predictable with you.
Thank you.
Except for one last thing.
What's that? Confetti.
We just got married.
Hey, I still don't want kids.
(Giggling) Well, that was a novelty.
- I've never done it in an all-night bakery.
- Well, it is our wedding night.
(Silence) What's Janey doing? She's at the fantasy solicitor's, getting a fantasy divorce.
Is she OK? She's just got to work it through.
- Yes! - What? I got the house.
If it's any consolation, I'm glad it wasn't you under the diplodocus.
- Oh, yeah? - You weren't very good.
Or on top of the bus shelter.
- You were rubbish both times.
- Well, it's a knack.
Who was it, then? Who liked dinosaurs? Finn? No.
That was the penguin pool at London Zoo.