NewsRadio (1995) s05e11 Episode Script
Stinkbutt
[.]
Beth.
Beth, Beth, Beth.
Wasn't painting the WNYX mural supposed to be your job? Yes.
In fact, wasn't this whole "free expression" mural project your idea? Yes.
In fact, aren't you the person who hounded me to go down to the building supervisor's office every day for a month to ask for this project? Kagh! uh, Roger that, Dave.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, then-- Then why is it-- The WNYX mural is the only one that has not been completed? Hello? We haven't even started it yet.
I want you to take the rest of the day off and finish this.
Thank you, Dave! Thank you! B-but-- Oh, Beth.
Save some for me? Beth, you have the day off to finish the mural! Hey, Dave, what's that? Hm? What are you--? I believe that's rightfully mine.
[SIGHS.]
[.]
[.]
Morning, Matthew.
Oh, morning, Dave.
Oh! Morning, Lisa.
Is Matthew still out there? Yes.
What's the problem? Matthew is still out there.
Yes.
But, Lisa, that's, uh-- That's a problem we have to deal with every day of the week.
Well, I don't particularly feel up to facing it today, that's all.
Matthew, will you come in here for a minute? Yeah, what up? Uh, Matthew, I just want-- I'm sorry.
Did you do-- Yeah.
--or say something to upset Lisa to-- You guys are wearing the same sweater.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Isn't it cool? It's cool, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's very cool, Matthew.
See, see, I told you.
Ha, ha, ha.
You can go now.
Hey, you wanna switch sweaters at lunch just for kicks? Get out.
Just an idea.
Hey, we'll talk later, okay? So? So? So, what are you gonna do about it? Nothing.
Nothing.
Its-- What? It's kind of funny.
Yes, I can see that you think it's funny.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
But though, I'm not laughing at you.
I mean, I'm-- I'm laughing at him.
No, you're not, you're laughing at us.
Me and Matthew.
Lumped together in some unholy bundle.
Hey, Mr.
James.
Well? Hey, you shaved off your beard.
No.
I-- Well, I mean, yeah, I shaved it off.
Don't you wanna know why I came in through the window? No.
I wanna know why you shaved off your beard.
I mean, the ladies found that sexy.
Oh, the ladies, they loved it! Oh, man! Yeah, but I thought I-- Yeah.
All right.
Are-- Aren't you the least bit curious about why I came through the window though? Sir, I'm-- I-I'm trying very hard to let my curiosity take a back seat to my sanity this morning.
Ah.
Well, you know, I did it to confuse my kidnappers.
Ah! [CLAPPING.]
Ah! All right, my man.
My beeyotch.
Hey, I'm feeling safer already.
You are safer already.
That's right.
Sir, aren't you gonna introduce me to beeyotch? Yeah! Yeah, I'm sorry, Dave.
This is Jack Frost, Dave Nelson.
Hi.
Pleasure to meet you, Dave Nelson.
Jack Frost, Personal Security Consultant.
Yeah, he's been on all the TV shows.
He protects the rich and famous like Goldie Hawn, Donald Trump, Princess Di.
Princess Di.
Well done.
We still have Goldie.
So, Jack, tell him why I came in through the window.
Well, if the kidnapper watches him enter your room through a conventional channel, i.
e.
door.
He will soon manifest this spot as a PAA.
Or "Potential Arena for Ambush.
" Now, by changing Jimmy's routine we make the kidnappers feel insecure, weak, out of control.
Ah.
I-I see.
Now-- Now, is anyone trying to kidnap you, sir? Not at the moment.
But it pays to be on the safe side.
Yeah.
Kidnapping, it's not-- It's not just for kids anymore.
True enough, sir.
But, don't you think this is all just a little extreme? Oh, yeah.
Well, you know what? Ahem.
Jack, why don't you-- You give Dave a little demonstration, all right? Mr.
Nelson-- Mm? --uh, I'd like you to point at something on your desk that can not be used as a deadly weapon.
Uh, what? Yeah, yeah.
Just do it.
Uh, that.
The envelope.
Uh-huh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Is that a yes? Yes.
Little white envelope here, huh? Hm, yes, the white envelope that I pointed at.
Okay.
Ooh-ah! Uh-huh! Now, do you want this letter mailed C-O-D or B-L-O-O-D? Oh, Bravo! Bravo! Way to go, my man! Okay, pop quiz.
Yeah.
Where are you most likely to be rescued from a kidnapping? Uh, I-I-I don't know.
I give up.
In your dreams.
[LAUGHS.]
Prevention is the key.
Oh, sure.
Sure.
Hey, Mr.
James.
You shaved off your little sexy beard.
Yeah.
Aah! What? I'm sorry, Max.
I didn't know it upset you.
No, it's not you.
It's him! Oh, have-- Have you two met? Yes.
At the very gates of hell! Ah, back off, fella.
Get your hands off me, you monster! Oh, no, no, no.
Max, it's okay.
This is Jack Frost, he's my security consultant.
Oh, yeah, that's what he's calling himself now? Mr.
James, this man is not who he says he is.
Ha, ha, ha.
I know what's going on here.
Ah, yes.
This specimen is responding to my ZC.
"Zone of Confidence.
" He's confusing my willingness to protect with aggression towards him.
Oh! Oh.
What a bunch of crap! And he's a lunatic.
Yeah.
Mr.
James, now, you know me.
Now, I-I-I'm weird, but I am no lunatic.
He's the lunatic! What do we do? Okay, three things.
Yeah.
Keep smiling.
I'm smiling.
Hello.
Back slowly away.
I'm backing away.
Hm.
Yeah, what's next? Run like hell.
Oh.
All right.
Go, go, go.
[.]
Joe, what are you doing? Mixing colors for the mural.
Well, you're supposed to be fixing the reel-to-reel.
Come on, man.
You know art comes first with me.
No, I did not know that.
Yeah, art comes first with me.
Ah.
Well, a-a-and your job comes? That comes fourth.
Hm.
Not even second or third, huh? [SIGHS.]
Beth? Okay.
Dave.
Places one, two and three are taken up by art in Joe.
Okay? I'm very sensitive.
No, you're not.
[SIGHS.]
Dave, are you just gonna stand there and watch me cry or leave us in peace? Fine, I withdraw.
Oh.
Matthew, while I've got you here, I need-- Excuse me? Oh! Hey, Lisa.
Matthew.
You just now called me Matthew.
No.
I said, hey, Lisa.
Dave, Dave, check this out.
Double your pleasure Double your fun Matthew, knock it off.
What? Come on, Lisa.
Double your fun.
All right, Matthew.
Yeah.
I want you to go home at lunch a-and ch-change your sweater, all right? I don't understand.
Look, I know it's just some sort of freak accident that you're wearing the same sweater as Lisa.
No, no.
It's not a freak accident, Dave.
I saw Lisa wearing this sweater a couple of weeks ago.
I said to myself, gotta have it! Thank God, I know where she shops, huh? Matthew? Yeah.
You're aware of the fact that Lisa's a woman, aren't you? Dave, you know what your problem is? I know what one of my problems is.
You have an outmoded idea of gender.
Uh? You think that girls are supposed to run around in frilly frilly little dresses and pink bows in their hair.
And boys are supposed to be all spiders and-- And snakes and combat boots.
Let me tell you something, Dave.
This is the '90s and people-- Well, enlightened people.
--can wear whatever they feel like.
And I feel like wearing this.
Deal with it.
[.]
There's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
Max, shouldn't you be doing this foreign report on the air? I am quoting Hamlet .
Mm, if it checks out with AP, run with it.
All right, forget that.
I am here to warn you about Jack Frost.
Oh, Mr.
James' uh, security consultant.
All right, you know what? If that guy's a security consultant, then I'm a virgin.
That means he's not a security consultant.
Ah! Okay.
He is what psychiatrists call a "compulsive impostor.
" Yeah, what's that mean? It means he has a compulsion to pretend to be things that he isn't.
He takes assumed names.
And then he pretends to be priests and lawyers and nuclear physicists.
Even doctors.
Oh, like Tony Curtis in that movie? Yes.
Yes.
Well, except Jack Frost doesn't have the eyelashes of a Greek god.
Hm.
Max, how do you know all of this? Please, Dave, don't, uh-- Don't ask me about the scar.
What scar? I said don't ask me about it! Okay.
Fine.
It throbs whenever he's near.
[SIGHS.]
What throbs? The scar! Haven't you been listening? Max, this scar of yours, is it sensitive to atmospheric changes? Can it predict rain? Does it talk? No.
Well, then it's of no interest to me.
The scar isn't a joke, Dave.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Revenge will be mine.
[.]
Clear left.
Clear right.
Clear right! Go, go, go! Wow! I didn't know coming out of an elevator was so dangerous.
Well, everything is dangerous if you look at it with enough paranoia.
That's what I'm talking about.
Mr.
James? Yeah.
I'm telling this for your own good.
That man is a compulsive impostor.
Arrest him! Max, I'm not a policeman.
Jimmy, no, what had we learned earlier? Oh, right, right, right.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, for God's sake, I'm not a lunatic.
Yeah? Sure you're not.
He's not a lunatic at all, is he? Oh, no.
All right.
If he's such a security expert, let's see if he can defend himself, against the windmill! Dave, we finished the mural in the lobby.
Ah, good, good, good.
I'm just on the, uh, phone to the, uh, building supervisor right now.
Who? Okay? Hello? Hi.
Yes, yes, yes.
The artists just stepped into my office.
Yeah, what? No, no.
You can't paint over it.
They just finished it! You gotta be kidding me! I mean, correct me if I'm wrong.
This is a "free expression" mural, right? Dave, we worked very hard on the mural.
Yeah, we put our blood, sweat and tears into that thing.
My staff put their blood, sweat and tears into that picture.
And you know what? I happen to think it's terrific.
Huh? Well, you want to know what else I think? I think you're just a knee-jerk reactionary snob.
'Cause I think that's the finest picture I've ever seen.
And I would be proud to hang it in my own home.
Well, good day! All right dude, I guess art comes first with you too.
Yes, sir.
Yeah.
So, what did you two paint? Joe? I thought art always came first with you.
Usually it does.
I don't know what happened.
[.]
[.]
Ah.
Hey, nice mural.
Aw.
Your work? No, I'm just here to spell-check it.
Wait a minute.
Are there two Ts in? Oh, yeah.
No, that's right.
Good work.
Excellent.
Bye.
Dave, we're sorry.
W-we just-- We sort of had conflicting artistic points of view.
And this is where great minds thought alike? [BOTH.]
: Yeah.
Max? What? You remember when I, uh, Green Beret'd ya out there? No.
Okay, why? Why did you do that? I wasn't trying to attack you, Mr.
James.
I was trying to attack Jack Frost.
To show him up for the phony he is.
Jack wasn't a phony.
He's the best security advisor I've ever had.
Mr.
James, can I tell you a story? Is it about why you fight like a little girl? No.
That is a long and painful story.
Ask me some other time.
Okay.
This story takes place in 1991, Brunswick, Georgia.
I was on the air, interviewing a local surgeon, Dr.
Akim Tamiroff.
You wanna pick up the pace a little bit? As chance would have it right in the middle of the interview, my appendix burst.
Dr.
Tamiroff said there's no time to go to the hospital.
He removed my appendix, right there in the broadcast booth.
Bourbon was my anesthetic.
Swiss Army knife was his scalpel.
Wow, you know, you could-- You could sell that story to Reader's Digest.
Yes.
For half price.
For that's only half the story.
When I went for my follow-up visit, I discovered there was no Dr.
Akim Tamiroff.
What do you mean? I mean, he wasn't really a doctor! He's a poser.
A fraud.
A compulsive impostor! Oh, come on, Max.
Just 'cause you couldn't find the doctor-- Two months later, I saw him on Oprah posing as Pepe Lopez, the world's foremost authority on radioactive waste.
Wow.
Well, that's a strong accusation, Max.
And I have the horrible, disfiguring scar to prove it! I see.
It throbs whenever he's near me.
Uh-huh.
It's throbbing now! Yeah, sure it is.
Jupiter's ghost, man! Can't you hear the throbbing! Oh, hey.
Jack, we need to talk.
Oh, yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
You wanna go for a roll on my limo? Oh, come on, Jack.
Jack? There no Jack here.
MC Phreakzille in the house.
You wanna pull on my forty? Jack, why don't you just drop it? I know who you are.
Bravo, Jimmy.
Oh, bravo.
Yeah.
The student surpasses the master.
At, this time.
All right.
All right.
And that thing about the limo? Yeah, that's exactly the kind of enticement the kidnappers would use.
Jack.
And the forty, I put some knockout drops in it.
Jack, you sure you're, uh, a security consultant? Best in the business.
'Cause Max seems to think you're an impostor.
Right.
Right.
Like I care what that lunatic thinks.
Whoa! Knockout drops.
Thanks, man.
You know, some guys would have taken advantage.
You busy? Uh.
Yeah, yeah.
The uh-- The building supervisor just called an emergency meeting.
And I have to write a defense of Joe and Beth's painting.
Why would you want to defend that thing for? Because it's the finest picture I've ever seen, and I'd be proud to hang it in my own home.
Oh.
Could you stand here for a second? Well, I'm-- Just stand right here just for a second.
Do you think that it's silly, still, that I'm upset that Matthew's wearing my sweater? A little.
Fine.
Matthew.
Yeah? That's perfect.
Thank you.
Hey, we're wearing the same outfits.
I know.
It was, uh-- It was Lisa's idea.
No kidding.
Now, uh-- Now I'm a big strong man like you.
Hm.
Okay, Matthew.
You can go now.
Actually, it is cute.
It's like that movie Rain Man, where the two brothers dressed alike.
Huh.
Remember that? Yeah.
Yeah.
So which brother would you be? Admit it.
Admit it.
Admit it! Look, I know you suffered and I'm sorry.
But I am Jack Frost, I swear, personal security consultant.
I'm not some kooky compulsive impostor guy.
There, you see, man? All right.
Maybe in his own mind he's, a security expert.
Okay.
But, I'm telling you, that's the guy that operated on me! Max, Max.
Hold on for a second.
Now, I-I'm assuming you were in a great deal pain when this happened.
Am I right? And by your own admission you were drunk.
So? So, isn't it just possible you might've, uh, you know, mixed Jack up with somebody else? But I-- Look, I know the guy.
And he knows security.
You can't fake that.
Well, yes, I suppose it's possible.
It's possible because the mind can play tricks on you.
Excuse me? Yeah.
Do we have a new anchor? No.
Why? Because of-- This is Sonny Daze broadcasting live from beautiful mid-town Manhattan.
Hey, all you drive timers this is the part of the afternoon I like to call the home stretch.
'Cause if you think you're getting home-- Haa-haa.
Ah-hooga! Ah-hooga! --it's gonna be a stretch.
[.]
Are you ready, Mr.
Nelson? Well, yes, I am.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm just-- I'm just kidding.
Good luck, dude.
You look great.
Thank you, Ms.
Supervisor.
Board of Supervisors.
One of the most cherished interests we have as a nation, is the freedom of every citizen to express his or her views.
And what view was expressed by the word "Stinkbutt"? Fair question.
What my co-workers were trying to express in using, th-that word was their dissatisfaction with what free expression murals have become.
It was a form of visual mockery, if you will.
Is that true? Well, no.
Mm.
Not really.
Anything else, Mr.
Nelson.
This isn't just about "Stinkbutt.
" I mean, art is subjective, a matter of taste.
Don't you agree? Yes.
Well, then, if taste was our criteria, then I have problems with a lot of things.
I think that black and white photography is pretentious.
I find these chairs to be ugly.
I can't begin to tell you how much or how often this man offends me.
We're twins.
But these are all questions of freedom of expression.
And as such, they must be protected.
If we've come to the point where someone can no longer paint "Stinkbutt" then we no longer live in a free society.
[APPLAUSE.]
We're painting over it.
You can't do that! Well, actually, we did it about an hour ago.
Oh, well.
[WAILS.]
I'm sorry.
I know.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
I just can't help myself.
You couldn't help yourself.
No.
I see all these exciting jobs You see them.
and I just wanna be that person.
And you wanna be that person.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
Well, sorry isn't good enough for me! Oh! Easy there, Max.
No, Mr.
James! I've waited years for this! I have dreamed of the day I would confront this butcher with his handiwork! Jack Frost, I present to you, the scar! [BOTH SCREAM.]
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Th-that-- That's the scar you've been complaining about the whole time? Yes.
Gruesome, isn't it? No, it just barely a scratch on you.
Yeah.
I can hardly see it.
You can't fool me.
I know it's hideous.
Max, that is the smallest appendix scar I've seen in my life.
Really? Yeah.
Oh.
I-- I thought because he wasn't a real doctor he made a huge mess.
I know.
I know.
Le-le-le-- Let me see it again.
No, that's really great work.
That is nice.
Nice.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I was just winging it.
No medical training whatsoever.
Unbelievable.
I can't believe that.
Color me impressed.
All right.
Hey, hey.
You boys wanna see an appendix scar feast your eyes on this bad boy.
[SCREAM.]
No, I'm just kidding.
That's from shrapnel.
[.]
I mean, when I came up with the word "Stinkbutt " I never thought it was gonna be such a statement.
You know what?, if I had never called you it, you never would have thought of it.
No, no, no.
You both contributed, okay? Where's Matthew? Oh, uh.
I told him he had to go home and change before coming in to the office.
MATTHEW: Hey, guys.
Oh, look.
Matthew's naked in the office again.
What? No, I'm not.
Oh, my God! Matthew, how-- How could you possibly not notice that you were naked? Ho-ho-honestly, Dave, I don't really remember anything after I took a sip of that security guy's malt liquor.
Well, we're definitely not twins.
[.]
[.]
Beth.
Beth, Beth, Beth.
Wasn't painting the WNYX mural supposed to be your job? Yes.
In fact, wasn't this whole "free expression" mural project your idea? Yes.
In fact, aren't you the person who hounded me to go down to the building supervisor's office every day for a month to ask for this project? Kagh! uh, Roger that, Dave.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, then-- Then why is it-- The WNYX mural is the only one that has not been completed? Hello? We haven't even started it yet.
I want you to take the rest of the day off and finish this.
Thank you, Dave! Thank you! B-but-- Oh, Beth.
Save some for me? Beth, you have the day off to finish the mural! Hey, Dave, what's that? Hm? What are you--? I believe that's rightfully mine.
[SIGHS.]
[.]
[.]
Morning, Matthew.
Oh, morning, Dave.
Oh! Morning, Lisa.
Is Matthew still out there? Yes.
What's the problem? Matthew is still out there.
Yes.
But, Lisa, that's, uh-- That's a problem we have to deal with every day of the week.
Well, I don't particularly feel up to facing it today, that's all.
Matthew, will you come in here for a minute? Yeah, what up? Uh, Matthew, I just want-- I'm sorry.
Did you do-- Yeah.
--or say something to upset Lisa to-- You guys are wearing the same sweater.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Isn't it cool? It's cool, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's very cool, Matthew.
See, see, I told you.
Ha, ha, ha.
You can go now.
Hey, you wanna switch sweaters at lunch just for kicks? Get out.
Just an idea.
Hey, we'll talk later, okay? So? So? So, what are you gonna do about it? Nothing.
Nothing.
Its-- What? It's kind of funny.
Yes, I can see that you think it's funny.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
But though, I'm not laughing at you.
I mean, I'm-- I'm laughing at him.
No, you're not, you're laughing at us.
Me and Matthew.
Lumped together in some unholy bundle.
Hey, Mr.
James.
Well? Hey, you shaved off your beard.
No.
I-- Well, I mean, yeah, I shaved it off.
Don't you wanna know why I came in through the window? No.
I wanna know why you shaved off your beard.
I mean, the ladies found that sexy.
Oh, the ladies, they loved it! Oh, man! Yeah, but I thought I-- Yeah.
All right.
Are-- Aren't you the least bit curious about why I came through the window though? Sir, I'm-- I-I'm trying very hard to let my curiosity take a back seat to my sanity this morning.
Ah.
Well, you know, I did it to confuse my kidnappers.
Ah! [CLAPPING.]
Ah! All right, my man.
My beeyotch.
Hey, I'm feeling safer already.
You are safer already.
That's right.
Sir, aren't you gonna introduce me to beeyotch? Yeah! Yeah, I'm sorry, Dave.
This is Jack Frost, Dave Nelson.
Hi.
Pleasure to meet you, Dave Nelson.
Jack Frost, Personal Security Consultant.
Yeah, he's been on all the TV shows.
He protects the rich and famous like Goldie Hawn, Donald Trump, Princess Di.
Princess Di.
Well done.
We still have Goldie.
So, Jack, tell him why I came in through the window.
Well, if the kidnapper watches him enter your room through a conventional channel, i.
e.
door.
He will soon manifest this spot as a PAA.
Or "Potential Arena for Ambush.
" Now, by changing Jimmy's routine we make the kidnappers feel insecure, weak, out of control.
Ah.
I-I see.
Now-- Now, is anyone trying to kidnap you, sir? Not at the moment.
But it pays to be on the safe side.
Yeah.
Kidnapping, it's not-- It's not just for kids anymore.
True enough, sir.
But, don't you think this is all just a little extreme? Oh, yeah.
Well, you know what? Ahem.
Jack, why don't you-- You give Dave a little demonstration, all right? Mr.
Nelson-- Mm? --uh, I'd like you to point at something on your desk that can not be used as a deadly weapon.
Uh, what? Yeah, yeah.
Just do it.
Uh, that.
The envelope.
Uh-huh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Is that a yes? Yes.
Little white envelope here, huh? Hm, yes, the white envelope that I pointed at.
Okay.
Ooh-ah! Uh-huh! Now, do you want this letter mailed C-O-D or B-L-O-O-D? Oh, Bravo! Bravo! Way to go, my man! Okay, pop quiz.
Yeah.
Where are you most likely to be rescued from a kidnapping? Uh, I-I-I don't know.
I give up.
In your dreams.
[LAUGHS.]
Prevention is the key.
Oh, sure.
Sure.
Hey, Mr.
James.
You shaved off your little sexy beard.
Yeah.
Aah! What? I'm sorry, Max.
I didn't know it upset you.
No, it's not you.
It's him! Oh, have-- Have you two met? Yes.
At the very gates of hell! Ah, back off, fella.
Get your hands off me, you monster! Oh, no, no, no.
Max, it's okay.
This is Jack Frost, he's my security consultant.
Oh, yeah, that's what he's calling himself now? Mr.
James, this man is not who he says he is.
Ha, ha, ha.
I know what's going on here.
Ah, yes.
This specimen is responding to my ZC.
"Zone of Confidence.
" He's confusing my willingness to protect with aggression towards him.
Oh! Oh.
What a bunch of crap! And he's a lunatic.
Yeah.
Mr.
James, now, you know me.
Now, I-I-I'm weird, but I am no lunatic.
He's the lunatic! What do we do? Okay, three things.
Yeah.
Keep smiling.
I'm smiling.
Hello.
Back slowly away.
I'm backing away.
Hm.
Yeah, what's next? Run like hell.
Oh.
All right.
Go, go, go.
[.]
Joe, what are you doing? Mixing colors for the mural.
Well, you're supposed to be fixing the reel-to-reel.
Come on, man.
You know art comes first with me.
No, I did not know that.
Yeah, art comes first with me.
Ah.
Well, a-a-and your job comes? That comes fourth.
Hm.
Not even second or third, huh? [SIGHS.]
Beth? Okay.
Dave.
Places one, two and three are taken up by art in Joe.
Okay? I'm very sensitive.
No, you're not.
[SIGHS.]
Dave, are you just gonna stand there and watch me cry or leave us in peace? Fine, I withdraw.
Oh.
Matthew, while I've got you here, I need-- Excuse me? Oh! Hey, Lisa.
Matthew.
You just now called me Matthew.
No.
I said, hey, Lisa.
Dave, Dave, check this out.
Double your pleasure Double your fun Matthew, knock it off.
What? Come on, Lisa.
Double your fun.
All right, Matthew.
Yeah.
I want you to go home at lunch a-and ch-change your sweater, all right? I don't understand.
Look, I know it's just some sort of freak accident that you're wearing the same sweater as Lisa.
No, no.
It's not a freak accident, Dave.
I saw Lisa wearing this sweater a couple of weeks ago.
I said to myself, gotta have it! Thank God, I know where she shops, huh? Matthew? Yeah.
You're aware of the fact that Lisa's a woman, aren't you? Dave, you know what your problem is? I know what one of my problems is.
You have an outmoded idea of gender.
Uh? You think that girls are supposed to run around in frilly frilly little dresses and pink bows in their hair.
And boys are supposed to be all spiders and-- And snakes and combat boots.
Let me tell you something, Dave.
This is the '90s and people-- Well, enlightened people.
--can wear whatever they feel like.
And I feel like wearing this.
Deal with it.
[.]
There's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
Max, shouldn't you be doing this foreign report on the air? I am quoting Hamlet .
Mm, if it checks out with AP, run with it.
All right, forget that.
I am here to warn you about Jack Frost.
Oh, Mr.
James' uh, security consultant.
All right, you know what? If that guy's a security consultant, then I'm a virgin.
That means he's not a security consultant.
Ah! Okay.
He is what psychiatrists call a "compulsive impostor.
" Yeah, what's that mean? It means he has a compulsion to pretend to be things that he isn't.
He takes assumed names.
And then he pretends to be priests and lawyers and nuclear physicists.
Even doctors.
Oh, like Tony Curtis in that movie? Yes.
Yes.
Well, except Jack Frost doesn't have the eyelashes of a Greek god.
Hm.
Max, how do you know all of this? Please, Dave, don't, uh-- Don't ask me about the scar.
What scar? I said don't ask me about it! Okay.
Fine.
It throbs whenever he's near.
[SIGHS.]
What throbs? The scar! Haven't you been listening? Max, this scar of yours, is it sensitive to atmospheric changes? Can it predict rain? Does it talk? No.
Well, then it's of no interest to me.
The scar isn't a joke, Dave.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Revenge will be mine.
[.]
Clear left.
Clear right.
Clear right! Go, go, go! Wow! I didn't know coming out of an elevator was so dangerous.
Well, everything is dangerous if you look at it with enough paranoia.
That's what I'm talking about.
Mr.
James? Yeah.
I'm telling this for your own good.
That man is a compulsive impostor.
Arrest him! Max, I'm not a policeman.
Jimmy, no, what had we learned earlier? Oh, right, right, right.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, for God's sake, I'm not a lunatic.
Yeah? Sure you're not.
He's not a lunatic at all, is he? Oh, no.
All right.
If he's such a security expert, let's see if he can defend himself, against the windmill! Dave, we finished the mural in the lobby.
Ah, good, good, good.
I'm just on the, uh, phone to the, uh, building supervisor right now.
Who? Okay? Hello? Hi.
Yes, yes, yes.
The artists just stepped into my office.
Yeah, what? No, no.
You can't paint over it.
They just finished it! You gotta be kidding me! I mean, correct me if I'm wrong.
This is a "free expression" mural, right? Dave, we worked very hard on the mural.
Yeah, we put our blood, sweat and tears into that thing.
My staff put their blood, sweat and tears into that picture.
And you know what? I happen to think it's terrific.
Huh? Well, you want to know what else I think? I think you're just a knee-jerk reactionary snob.
'Cause I think that's the finest picture I've ever seen.
And I would be proud to hang it in my own home.
Well, good day! All right dude, I guess art comes first with you too.
Yes, sir.
Yeah.
So, what did you two paint? Joe? I thought art always came first with you.
Usually it does.
I don't know what happened.
[.]
[.]
Ah.
Hey, nice mural.
Aw.
Your work? No, I'm just here to spell-check it.
Wait a minute.
Are there two Ts in? Oh, yeah.
No, that's right.
Good work.
Excellent.
Bye.
Dave, we're sorry.
W-we just-- We sort of had conflicting artistic points of view.
And this is where great minds thought alike? [BOTH.]
: Yeah.
Max? What? You remember when I, uh, Green Beret'd ya out there? No.
Okay, why? Why did you do that? I wasn't trying to attack you, Mr.
James.
I was trying to attack Jack Frost.
To show him up for the phony he is.
Jack wasn't a phony.
He's the best security advisor I've ever had.
Mr.
James, can I tell you a story? Is it about why you fight like a little girl? No.
That is a long and painful story.
Ask me some other time.
Okay.
This story takes place in 1991, Brunswick, Georgia.
I was on the air, interviewing a local surgeon, Dr.
Akim Tamiroff.
You wanna pick up the pace a little bit? As chance would have it right in the middle of the interview, my appendix burst.
Dr.
Tamiroff said there's no time to go to the hospital.
He removed my appendix, right there in the broadcast booth.
Bourbon was my anesthetic.
Swiss Army knife was his scalpel.
Wow, you know, you could-- You could sell that story to Reader's Digest.
Yes.
For half price.
For that's only half the story.
When I went for my follow-up visit, I discovered there was no Dr.
Akim Tamiroff.
What do you mean? I mean, he wasn't really a doctor! He's a poser.
A fraud.
A compulsive impostor! Oh, come on, Max.
Just 'cause you couldn't find the doctor-- Two months later, I saw him on Oprah posing as Pepe Lopez, the world's foremost authority on radioactive waste.
Wow.
Well, that's a strong accusation, Max.
And I have the horrible, disfiguring scar to prove it! I see.
It throbs whenever he's near me.
Uh-huh.
It's throbbing now! Yeah, sure it is.
Jupiter's ghost, man! Can't you hear the throbbing! Oh, hey.
Jack, we need to talk.
Oh, yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
You wanna go for a roll on my limo? Oh, come on, Jack.
Jack? There no Jack here.
MC Phreakzille in the house.
You wanna pull on my forty? Jack, why don't you just drop it? I know who you are.
Bravo, Jimmy.
Oh, bravo.
Yeah.
The student surpasses the master.
At, this time.
All right.
All right.
And that thing about the limo? Yeah, that's exactly the kind of enticement the kidnappers would use.
Jack.
And the forty, I put some knockout drops in it.
Jack, you sure you're, uh, a security consultant? Best in the business.
'Cause Max seems to think you're an impostor.
Right.
Right.
Like I care what that lunatic thinks.
Whoa! Knockout drops.
Thanks, man.
You know, some guys would have taken advantage.
You busy? Uh.
Yeah, yeah.
The uh-- The building supervisor just called an emergency meeting.
And I have to write a defense of Joe and Beth's painting.
Why would you want to defend that thing for? Because it's the finest picture I've ever seen, and I'd be proud to hang it in my own home.
Oh.
Could you stand here for a second? Well, I'm-- Just stand right here just for a second.
Do you think that it's silly, still, that I'm upset that Matthew's wearing my sweater? A little.
Fine.
Matthew.
Yeah? That's perfect.
Thank you.
Hey, we're wearing the same outfits.
I know.
It was, uh-- It was Lisa's idea.
No kidding.
Now, uh-- Now I'm a big strong man like you.
Hm.
Okay, Matthew.
You can go now.
Actually, it is cute.
It's like that movie Rain Man, where the two brothers dressed alike.
Huh.
Remember that? Yeah.
Yeah.
So which brother would you be? Admit it.
Admit it.
Admit it! Look, I know you suffered and I'm sorry.
But I am Jack Frost, I swear, personal security consultant.
I'm not some kooky compulsive impostor guy.
There, you see, man? All right.
Maybe in his own mind he's, a security expert.
Okay.
But, I'm telling you, that's the guy that operated on me! Max, Max.
Hold on for a second.
Now, I-I'm assuming you were in a great deal pain when this happened.
Am I right? And by your own admission you were drunk.
So? So, isn't it just possible you might've, uh, you know, mixed Jack up with somebody else? But I-- Look, I know the guy.
And he knows security.
You can't fake that.
Well, yes, I suppose it's possible.
It's possible because the mind can play tricks on you.
Excuse me? Yeah.
Do we have a new anchor? No.
Why? Because of-- This is Sonny Daze broadcasting live from beautiful mid-town Manhattan.
Hey, all you drive timers this is the part of the afternoon I like to call the home stretch.
'Cause if you think you're getting home-- Haa-haa.
Ah-hooga! Ah-hooga! --it's gonna be a stretch.
[.]
Are you ready, Mr.
Nelson? Well, yes, I am.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm just-- I'm just kidding.
Good luck, dude.
You look great.
Thank you, Ms.
Supervisor.
Board of Supervisors.
One of the most cherished interests we have as a nation, is the freedom of every citizen to express his or her views.
And what view was expressed by the word "Stinkbutt"? Fair question.
What my co-workers were trying to express in using, th-that word was their dissatisfaction with what free expression murals have become.
It was a form of visual mockery, if you will.
Is that true? Well, no.
Mm.
Not really.
Anything else, Mr.
Nelson.
This isn't just about "Stinkbutt.
" I mean, art is subjective, a matter of taste.
Don't you agree? Yes.
Well, then, if taste was our criteria, then I have problems with a lot of things.
I think that black and white photography is pretentious.
I find these chairs to be ugly.
I can't begin to tell you how much or how often this man offends me.
We're twins.
But these are all questions of freedom of expression.
And as such, they must be protected.
If we've come to the point where someone can no longer paint "Stinkbutt" then we no longer live in a free society.
[APPLAUSE.]
We're painting over it.
You can't do that! Well, actually, we did it about an hour ago.
Oh, well.
[WAILS.]
I'm sorry.
I know.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
I just can't help myself.
You couldn't help yourself.
No.
I see all these exciting jobs You see them.
and I just wanna be that person.
And you wanna be that person.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
Well, sorry isn't good enough for me! Oh! Easy there, Max.
No, Mr.
James! I've waited years for this! I have dreamed of the day I would confront this butcher with his handiwork! Jack Frost, I present to you, the scar! [BOTH SCREAM.]
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Th-that-- That's the scar you've been complaining about the whole time? Yes.
Gruesome, isn't it? No, it just barely a scratch on you.
Yeah.
I can hardly see it.
You can't fool me.
I know it's hideous.
Max, that is the smallest appendix scar I've seen in my life.
Really? Yeah.
Oh.
I-- I thought because he wasn't a real doctor he made a huge mess.
I know.
I know.
Le-le-le-- Let me see it again.
No, that's really great work.
That is nice.
Nice.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I was just winging it.
No medical training whatsoever.
Unbelievable.
I can't believe that.
Color me impressed.
All right.
Hey, hey.
You boys wanna see an appendix scar feast your eyes on this bad boy.
[SCREAM.]
No, I'm just kidding.
That's from shrapnel.
[.]
I mean, when I came up with the word "Stinkbutt " I never thought it was gonna be such a statement.
You know what?, if I had never called you it, you never would have thought of it.
No, no, no.
You both contributed, okay? Where's Matthew? Oh, uh.
I told him he had to go home and change before coming in to the office.
MATTHEW: Hey, guys.
Oh, look.
Matthew's naked in the office again.
What? No, I'm not.
Oh, my God! Matthew, how-- How could you possibly not notice that you were naked? Ho-ho-honestly, Dave, I don't really remember anything after I took a sip of that security guy's malt liquor.
Well, we're definitely not twins.
[.]
[.]