Northern Exposure s05e11 Episode Script
Baby Blues
A fax came in for you, Ed.
It's from L.
A.
Oh, wow.
Oh.
Wow.
Somebody famous? Judd Bromell.
Oh.
Is- Is- Is that the one who hangs around with that rambunctious actress? The one who stepped on a woman in a bar? Oh.
No.
That's Judd Nelson, Ruth-Anne.
Judd Bromell's an agent over at Pierce, Blaustein and Jankowitz.
P.
B.
J.
was one of the only boutique agencies left standing after the big InterTalent-I.
C.
M.
merger.
Is that right? Yep.
I submitted my screenplay to them.
The-The one about the shaman? What's it called? The Shaman.
Oh.
It's a small-budget character piece.
Well, I think it'd be a perfect vehicle for one of the Baldwin brothers.
Well, wh-what did this Mr.
Bromell have to say? It's from his assistant.
It says, uh, "Ed,Judd read your material.
"Will be in Alaska on business-pleasure.
Wants to meet.
Breakfast, Thursday at 9:00.
" Breakfast? Oh, yeah.
Power breakfast, Ruth-Anne.
See, people in the industry, they finally figured out that breakfast, that's just a big bunch of wasted time- hangin' out with their family and stuff.
They could be out making big deals.
Oh.
This, uh, Mr.
Bromell is a very important agent? Top 10 on the Trailblazer List.
Well, this is exciting.
I'm very proud of you, Ed.
Thanks, Ruth-Anne.
Say, I better come up with a list of casting choices.
Well, you'd better take the morning off.
Go on now.
But, uh- Thanks, Ruth-Anne.
And don't forget the little people.
I'm really glad you're helping with the party, Eve.
And I have some ideas,you know.
I thought it'd be a tea.
I love high teas.
You know, scones and jam and those finger sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
It'd just be so civilized.
No.
Out of the question.
Why? A baby shower's always a tea.
In Grosse Pointe it's practically synonymous.
Tea.
Caffeine.
All that sugar.
Shelly may be experiencing edema, and gestational diabetes can happen very late in the game.
Well, good point.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Well, look.
Then we'll do decaffeinated tea and sugar-free jam.
How's that? God, all these things you have to avoid when you're pregnant.
The heart sounds good.
The baby's turned.
The head's down.
Which is good.
All right.
Nice and easy.
I got you.
All righty.
So, in the next few weeks, the baby will begin its decent into the pelvic cavity.
Which should eliminate some of the pressure you're feeling on your diaphragm.
Whoa.
Good move, Pooper.
So, now it's time for you to make a few decisions.
Tell me about it.
We've pretty much decided on Miranda Bliss if it's a girl.
Well, I'm- I'm talking about labor.
Delivery.
Oh.
Well, I got bags of time.
The first one's always late.
Right? No, no, no.
Not at all.
You-You really- You should be thinking what kind of labor do you want.
There's more than one kind? Well, yeah.
Remember? We went over this in class.
Do you want to be medicated, or do you want an epidural? - Um- - Epidural is effective.
It's safe for the baby.
Basically, what's happening is, it's numbing the area where the contractions occur, but it leaves you enough feeling so that you can push.
Well-Tell you what.
Let's just wing it, see what happens.
- I think it's better if you make the decision now.
- Oh.
Now,you also have to make sure that you register for pre-admittance at the hospital.
Hospital? Yeah.
St.
Paul's in Anchorage is, uh, is the closest.
Forty minutes by air.
They also have an infant I.
C.
U.
, which-which I think is important.
- Gee.
- I'm not telling you these things to- to scare you.
These are highly unlikely, but- I've never been in a hospital.
Why don't you give it some thought.
You work out a birth plan, and we can go over it next week.
Okay? Okay.
You know, it's funny to me the way people refer to childbirth as miraculous.
I mean, a miracle is something that defies nature.
Only childbirth's gotta be the most natural thing in the world.
Top three anyway.
But on the other hand, when you think about it, there's really no other word that fits.
I mean, sperm, egg, a coincidental meshing of genetic information that, you know, grows something that could write an opera or cook up some napalm.
It just blows my mind.
Yeah.
Flowers.
Flowers.
We need a centerpiece for the table.
Maybe a spray collection, and a corsage for Shelly.
A corsage? She's not goin' to a prom.
I mean,just the way,you know, it brings people together.
How- How a total stranger might want to go up and just touch the belly of a pregnant lady, you know.
Or the way it brings friends together.
You know, a woman like Maggie, in particular- how she will unite in celebration and anticipation of the coming birth.
There's no mystery about that part.
Right? I mean, that's just brooding.
What? Brooding.
You know.
I mean, a woman sees another woman having a baby, and then she starts to want to have one.
Oh, really? Is that a medical term or a sociological term- brooding? It's neither.
It's a sexist one.
Well, wait.
Why do you say that? You-You're saying that women don't want to have babies, and if they do, they should be ashamed of it? You know, Fleischman, you're so smug, sitting there with your 10-second interpretations of the female psyche.
You know, what you know about women you wouldn't be able to see under an electron microscope.
Calm down, okay? First of all, this was just an off-hand remark.
Okay? An observation.
No, it wasn't.
It was a diagnosis, Fleischman.
Men- Men are so quick to attribute female behavior to some sort of phantom condition.
Like hysteria, for example.
In the 18th century, boy, they'd just rip a woman's womb out for that one.
This isn't what I'm saying, O'Connell.
I just really wish you'd keep your insights to yourself.
Uh, you tell me what I said here.
My corns are killing me.
Yes, son? Phone.
Uh, there's a pay phone across the street.
Fax? Are you from Mr.
Bromell's office? I am Judd Bromell.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
I'm Ruth-Anne Miller.
This is our budding genius over here.
Ed? Judd Bromell! I was just about to fax you, man.
Yeah.
I was expecting you at breakfast.
It's been nuts.
Ah.
Well- So.
Whoa, what is this place, man, a store or somethin'? Oh.
Yep.
I work here.
Ruth-Anne's my boss.
That's great.
So, you read my script.
Yeah.
Writing was real sharp.
You got a lot of fans at P.
B.
J.
Oh.
They read it too, huh? Coverage.
Brought it up at a staff meeting.
Evan said he loved the third world perspective.
So, let mejust get settled in, and we'll get started in on the notes.
Notes? Let me ask you somethin', Ed.
Do you like the script the way it is? Well, yeah.
I wrote it.
Yeah.
I mean, but are you open to input? Casting ideas? What? Yeah.
See, I've been wondering if you would think that Liam Neeson was, well, you know, too Irish.
Hey, Ed, come on.
Liam Neeson's casting.
Movie-making is packaging.
But I'm talking about writing.
That's great.
Hey, O'Connell.
What you got there? Jemima Puddle-Duck.
It's for the baby shower.
And no comments, please.
Look.
I- I really feel like I owe you an apology.
Just forget it, all right? No, come on.
I- I really- I was insensitive, and your feelings were hurt.
Yeah.
Well, you know, maybe I overreacted.
I- I mean it.
I- I truly- I didn't mean to insult you.
I just- I didn't know it was such a touchy subject.
I'm not mad at you, Fleischman.
I know in your artless, flat-footed sort of way, you were trying to be kind.
Thanks.
I was.
I- I mean, I know this is gonna sound hard to believe, but I- I- I kind of know how you feel.
You do? Yeah.
I think so.
I mean, men also feel an occasional pressure to- to procreate.
Reproducing is seen as a sign of virility, and if- and if a woman can't conceive, then- then the man feels like a eunuch.
You know, shooting blanks, and all that.
I mean, it's not just women who-who feel like failures if they haven't had a child.
What'd you say? I don't know.
What? Failures? No, no, no.
I- I don't mean it like- No, wait.
You said women who haven't reproduced are failures? I- I don't think that way, you know.
Obviously, I'm sitting here- No, other people think that.
It's like the perceived wisdom, you know.
I mean, it's totally erroneous, but- No, look.
Fleischman, women have more to offer to this world than just their fallopian tubes.
You know, nothing is gonna change until you quit lookin' at us as- as just sperm receptacles.
Come on.
Nobody sees you that way.
Great.
Aw.
"Few women understand how great is the hunger in a man "to be near femininity.
"As a man discovers his own inner femininity, "he will not rely so heavily on the outer woman to live this out for him.
" The inspired words of Robert A.
Johnson, from She: Understanding Female Psychology.
You know, I thought I had a pretty good grip on my feminine side when I started using my hands to make art instead of misdemeanors.
But, ladies and gentlemen, I was deluded.
It has become very clear to me that my inner woman has pretty much been in a coma.
Oh, alive, breathing, ingesting, but unresponsive to stimuli.
Now, if that particular part of my unconscious is, you know, unconscious, then I'm kind of asleep at the aesthetic wheel.
It's not enough to say, "Hey, I'm a good egg.
" I have to take that metaphor one step further.
I have to develop my proverbial ovum.
Well, I don't know where Eve is.
She's supposed to bring the apricot tarts.
But I'm sure she's on the way.
She would've called if she couldn't make it, right? She'll show up.
Anyway, I have this lovely, lovely goat cheese pesto tureen.
If anyone would like some, just help yourself.
Well, I'll take the first swipe.
Ooh, a breast pump.
It has a nipple stimulator.
Great.
Look, hon, it's a breast pump.
That's very nice.
That is fantastic.
That way, pater can do the sustenance thing.
Let me take a look at that, huh, Holling? Wow.
Now,you gotta be real careful not to introduce the bottle too soon.
Otherwise the babe might Am I right,Joel? Yep.
How does this work? Does the sucking action start the let-down reflex? Is- Is that what happens? I don't know.
Well, this is from Fleischman.
- What is it? - It's an ice pack.
Oh! Like to put in the cooler? No.
It's for after.
It- It helps with the sutures.
You sit on it.
Good Lord.
Oh, for heaven's sake, Fleischman, we got food here.
- Stitches.
- Well, guess what.
Guess what.
Look.
Here is a gift from Ruth-Anne.
Huh? Oh, great.
It's hooded bath towels, dear.
Oh.
Thanks.
You want to be real careful that you don't dunk the babe too soon, and, you know, wait until the umbilical stump falls off.
Heath takes the snap, turns, and hands off to Russell.
Oh-ho! Russell is brought down hard by Wooden.
Yoo-hoo.
Hi.
Oh, there's Eve.
Sorry I'm late.
Eve.
Sorry.
We had to start opening the gifts without you.
Did- Did you bring the apricot tarts? Oh! You forgot? Well, I've been monitoring his behavior for the last 48 hours.
He's been exposed to chicken pox and roseola.
I was supposed to follow him through his routine and take his temperature every halfhour.
You call that a screen pass? Which turned out to be normal, fortunately.
Isn't that right, Aldridge? But then he went down late for his nap, and he slept longer than usual.
Sorry.
I didn't have time to wrap it.
A home medical kit.
It's got oral and rectal thermometers.
Oh, boy.
Two beers over here.
Okay.
First thing we got to do, we got to cut the women way down.
Which ones? All of'em.
Look.
Only two women can open up a picture:Julia and Michelle.
Besides, the girls aren't, uh, integral to the story.
The-The shaman's wife? Purely a catalyst.
Oh, but in the end, you know, she saves him.
Like Grace Kelly in High Noon.
High Noon? Hello, Ed? High Noon? Look.
If the shaman is a man, if he's a warrior, he's not gonna send some woman out to fight his battles.
Right? Women don't make you stronger.
They sap your fluids, steal your strength.
Well, I could think about it.
Here's another problem.
Does he have to be a shaman? The shaman? Yeah.
I mean, is that carved in stone, or- Well, it's called The Shaman.
See, because I have this big stunt pictured for the end, you know.
I mean, the guy's- he's like on a high-speed snowmobile or somethin'.
He's got like an AK- a couple of AK-47 s, and he's just pow, ping, pong, pow! You know, he's poppin' off the enemy on the side of the ice wall, and this- You know.
Anyway, it's just- big finish, you know, and I- I- I just- It doesn't fit with the image of a shaman.
But he is a shaman.
I know that, Ed.
That's his problem, man.
Don't make it yours.
Look, Ed.
No one in town is gonna make a picture about a shaman.
Okay.
They just aren't.
They may like to, they may say they are, but they aren't.
I mean, * Here we are now Entertain us * You know? I mean, I'm talkin' about that They're sittin' there, they got a chick on their arm, they got their hand on their wallet.
And then they're sayin', "Wait.
What's a shaman?" You know? I mean, is it a medicine man, a hippy, a wimp? What? What? Right.
But I explain what a shaman is in the narration of the opening sequence.
Look, you don't have to do any of these things.
It's your baby, right? I'm just tryin' to make a suggestion.
What if he starts out as a shaman, and then in act two he has this experience that transforms him? What? Yeah.
So by the time the big finish comes along, well, he's no longer a shaman.
Could that work? You mean, first he's one thing, then he's somethin' else? What does this guy stand for? I hate this guy.
Now, Shelly, take more than that.
I mean, look at all this food.
Now, her stomach is only the size of a nickel right now, and that food is just gonna march right back up the old esophagus.
What's in here, dear? - Uh, watercress and- and cucumber.
Hmm.
Doesn't sound like that'd make much of a sandwich, but it's delicious.
Now, Shelly, you really shouldn't eat so heavily this close to labor, 'cause, you know, you could require an emergency C-section, and with a general anesthetic, well,you could aspirate on your own vomit.
Oh, for God's sake.
You stop eating 12 hours before labor, not days.
Come on, Mirer! He rolls to his left.
Yes! Get in there! Oh, he's stopped just short of the goal line by André Tippin, and- Maurice, you've left me in a pretty unsavory position here.
I'm going to have to use the bridge.
So tantalizing close to that goal line.
Here you go, Sonny.
Take over.
Mirer has them in the line.
Thanks.
He looks over the defense.
He calls out an audible.
He takes the snap.
Hands off- Come on.
Come on! Get it.
Get it.
Get it! Yeah! This fax just came in from Ed.
It says, uh, " Sorry I couldn't come to the shower.
Doing script notes with my agent.
" - I thought he finished that script.
- Well, wait a minute.
Why'd he fax? Couldn't he call? Beats me.
Hey, Maurice.
Maurice, where is everybody? Oh.
They're, uh, around.
Really? Yeah.
Okay.
We're getting ready to cut the cake soon, all right? Oh, no, Aldridge, no.
Don't- Don't put your fingers in the cake.
Oh.
Oh! Aldridge! Oh! Oh.
Oh! Are you okay? Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh.
Oh.
You were just exerting your independence.
Weren't you? Here.
Here.
Well- Here what? Oh.
Hold him while I clean this up.
Okay.
Hi.
Oh.
Well, all right.
Oh, guy, you're heavy.
Hi.
You're a handsome kid.
Aren't you? - And that's silk- - Oh.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh, don't cry.
No, don't cry.
Oh.
Where's your mom? There's your mom.
You missed a spot.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
It's okay.
I'm here, honey.
Okay.
Okay, come on.
Let's go find your mommy.
There's your mommy.
Look, she didn't go anywhere.
See? She's right here.
Ooh-hoo.
So I'vejust gone through and I'm not progressing at all.
In goes the pitocin.
Bam! The first contraction is off the chart.
A bulldozer.
I'm screaming for an epidural.
The labor nurse says, "You can take it.
You're already five centimeters.
" Boy, Aldridge sure has a hard time digesting his apple juice.
White vinegar and soda water.
It'll come right out.
Then I go through nine more hours oflabor, three more hours of pushing, and he's a face presentation.
Oh, no.
Wow.
- What's that? - When the face comes first.
I thought the face was supposed to come first.
No.
The top of the head comes first.
The face is the biggest part of the head, and the birth canal doesn't have time to stretch.
Then out come the forceps, right? No.
No.
Nobody uses them anymore.
That can cause paralysis or brain damage.
Oh, right.
Right.
They have this special machine now.
A vacuum extractor.
And do you mind? - This is my birth.
- Sorry.
They attach the device to his head and suck the little devil out.
Ha! Well, at least you had him vaginally.
I had 30 hours of back labor.
They broke my water- Hey, with one of those crochet needle things? An amnio hook.
Yes.
And then after all of that, I had to have an emergency C-section.
The baby's heartbeat kept stopping, and my blood pressure went sky high.
They gave me a local so I wouldn't feel the incision.
But then I felt this tugging sensation when they pulled the baby out.
Hey, I knew this lady.
She had a C-section, right? They opened her up- they took out her liver and her bladder.
And then when they were finished, they put it in, only backwards.
What? That is medically impossible.
Would you guys just chill? Chris, why do you want to hear this? It's not like you're ever gonna have to do it.
Well, I'm trying to get closer to my womanness, Shelly.
Then go out and cut your salary in half.
And you guys, can't you talk about anything but cervixes and pelvises and- and- - and laborjunk? - Hey, why don't you sit down and take a deep breath, okay? Maybe I can get you a drink of water, honey.
I'll get it myself.
Just 'cause I'm 150 pounds doesn't mean I can't walk.
Oh.
Oh, did that loud voice scare you? Let's light this baby up.
Stand back, boys.
It's showtime! That's it! Whoo! Whoo! Oh! Ow! Yes.
Oh! Back to basics.
I like it.
Orson.
All right.
Right.
- Where'd you get that? - Peter Bogdanovich gave it to me.
- You know Peter? - Yeah.
And Marty.
You know him too? Well,just by fax, but- Well, he's the greatest.
Yeah.
Guess you gotta have your Scorseses.
Where'd you go to school, Ed? Oh,just down the road a bit.
No.
I mean college.
Oh.
I didn't go to college.
Really? Well, how about you? Brown, undergraduate.
- Stanford, graduate school.
- Wow.
Yeah.
My father and both my brothers went to Brown.
Family connection helps, but once you're there, it's like anything else- warfare, social Darwinism.
Hollywood, same thing.
It's a great business, Ed.
It takes every bit of your resources.
And that's one of the reasons I came up here.
I'm goin' on this survival trip.
You know, Evan hooked me up with one of those packages- Uh, Survival Experiences of Sleetmute.
Thirty-mile dog sled trek, build your own igloo, man verses nature, no phones.
I think I could learn something really important up here, Ed.
I think I could learn what I'm made of.
Yeah.
Look, I don't want to have to put your faces back together if one of those things goes off early.
I'm serious.
Watch the wind.
There we are.
Whoa! All right.
Get back! Holy cow.
Yeah.
Ho! Whoa.
Have you finished up the baby talk there, Stevens? Yeah.
They kicked me out.
Come on over here and light one of these, man.
Forget about that.
I was so close to tappin' into that nurturing, nonaggressive thing too, you know? Oh, no.
Hey, what's that, an M-80? Yeah.
The La Tache of fireworks.
Where'd you get that? Baja.
Thank God you can still walk into a store in Mexico and still buy firecrackers.
Yeah.
Amphetamines too.
All right.
Let me just do one.
Come on.
You guys are nuts.
Holling, get back.
You ready? Yep.
There she goes! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Go, go, go, go! Hey, hey! Whoo-hoo! Whoa! - Whoo-hoo! Give me one of those.
Here, help yourself.
Give me that match.
Whoo! Hey.
It's kind of catching, isn't it? Come on, do it again.
Let's do it again.
Come here.
Okay.
What you want to do is follow this road up, and you'll see signs for the interstate.
And this is the town you want to get to- Indigo Bend.
Great.
Think I'll get there before dark? I have to get fitted for my fleece suit and teamed with my huskies, and all that.
Yeah.
You better get goin' then.
Ed, nice talkin' to you.
Keep in touch.
Uh, well, say, uh- You mean you won't be coming back through Cicely? I don't know.
My plans are kind of indefinite, but- Is there a point in comin' back? You mean, am I gonna rewrite my script? Hey.
Man, like I said, it's your baby.
And I mean that.
Well, right.
But I mean, well, if I don't, then you don't want to represent me.
No.
No.
No.
But it would help if I believed in what I was sellin'.
Human nature.
All right, I'll do it.
It's a tough business.
You know, why put up extra obstacles, right? Like Woody Allen says, "It's worse than dog eat dog.
It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
" Is that guy's life a train wreck or what? Ed, stay cool.
All right.
You stay warm.
Medea, why don't you just open up? We're all here for you.
Certainly.
I have some feelings, some pain.
This stuff is hard to talk about.
Just relax and take it slow.
You're among friends.
We've all been through the same situation.
That's why we're here.
Okay.
Good.
So, what are you feeling, Medea? Guilt, I guess.
I mean, it wasn't the kids' fault.
But I had so much rage.
I stuck byJason through that whole Golden Fleece episode.
I'm the reason he's famous.
If it weren't for me, he'd still be ferrying tea across the Hellespont.
But then he left me for Creusa.
Princess of who cares.
I had to lash out.
Oh, wow.
You're a little late, aren't you? Me? Oh.
I've got three more weeks to go.
No, I mean late for the group.
Now grab a seat.
Medea's finally opening up.
Uh, are you guys from around here? This is Medea, Queen Victoria, and there's Olympias over there.
She's been in a bad mood for about 2,000 years.
Alexander the Great was a problem child.
Who are you? Mother Nature.
You're Mother Nature? You havin' a problem with that? Well, I just had you pegged as somebody older.
You know, more maternal.
Well, what's maternal? Maternal's somebody who's had a baby.
I'm responsible for every baby on this planet.
Is this some kind of party? Support group for mothers.
Oh.
Shelly, let me fix you some decaf, and then we'll talk about it.
What? Well, everything you're scared of.
Childbirth, being responsible for another human being, losing your identity or your attractiveness to your husband.
You know about that? Like, if I don't, who does? So tasty.
Oh.
Earl Grey or camomile, Ruth-Anne? Honey, if I take another sip, I'll float home.
You know, Shelly's been in the bathroom a long time.
I hope she's okay.
Shelly's not in the bathroom.
No? No.
I was just in the bathroom changing Aldridge's diaper.
Huh.
I wonder where she is.
And so I said to him, "Spend a little time at home.
"Settle for Alexander the Pretty Good, Alexander the Exceptional even.
" Ha! He takes off for India.
I never see him again.
My son.
That is so sad.
I breast-fed him and everything.
So, Medea, what about your kids? Oh, dear.
I couldn't hack it.
Okay? But, uh, that's just me.
Military school? Infanticide.
- You offed your kids? - I am a sorceress.
What do you want from me? Wow.
I think I made a humongous mistake, getting knocked up.
Well, it's not all rosy.
Better to admit it.
But is it a mistake? If it is, then it's one we've been makin' for a few thousand years.
Hmm.
I made it nine times.
But why? You knew how bad the big " L" was.
Honey, it's just war stories.
The reason why you hear all that stuff about back labor and face presentations is because they make good drama.
I mean, you never hear about the baby who just popped out.
- Right, girls? That's right.
Like you never hear about the soldier who didn't see no action.
It's like, I'm cool with bein' a pregnant chick.
I can watch Wheel of Fortune and grow a liver at the same time.
But I guess I've been so busy gestating, I haven't even dealt with the actual mom thing.
I'm totally not ready.
I don't know how to change a diaper.
I don't know if I can express milk.
I don't even want to think about a rectal thermometer.
Harsh.
It's like I want to get off this ride, but it's not stopping.
You want me to tell you everything is going to be okay.
Don't you? - Yeah.
- I won't do that.
Oh.
Some days are gonna be great.
Other days, you're gonna want to just jump off a building.
Mm-hmm.
But keep this in mind.
There is a little gizmo I threw into your nature.
You have an instinct to take care of things.
Everybody does.
Even men.
Men just can't remember where they put it half the time.
What about her? Radically co-dependent.
Look, let me tell you why I set it up this way.
Babies are cute.
Children are cute.
But they are also a gigantic pain in the butt.
And one of the things that keeps you from droppin'them in the nearest volcano is that you had to work too hard to get 'em.
You had to cry.
You had to scream.
You had to sweat.
You had to cuss out health care officials.
Sing it.
And when that's all over with, you'll be willin' to put up with a lot more from your kid.
Mm-hmm.
Huh.
So, there's no gettin' out of the labor gig.
Just remember whatJulius Caesar said when he was crossin' the Rubicon: Alea jacta est.
The die is cast.
It's too late now, my dear.
Shelly? Shelly! Shelly! Shelly? Shelly! Shelly! Look, Maurice, candy wrappers.
Shelly? Shelly, hon? These look like footprints over here.
Shelly? I blame myself.
It's not your fault, Holling.
I was off shooting firecrackers at my own baby shower.
I should have been sharing the moment with Shelly, making sure she was happy.
Shelly? Yeah, that's true.
Shel? We'll find her.
- Shelly? - Shelly! Ugh.
I can still smell that apple juice.
Look, um, I- I feel like we gotta talk here.
Now, Fleischman? Well, uh, you seem pretty depressed to me.
Shelly! Yeah, I am a little.
Well, it's- it's kind of obvious.
Well, my shower was a complete bust.
No.
You know what I mean.
I'm talkin' about this brooding thing.
Shelly, hon? Oh, Fleischman, would you just let that rest? Wait, wait, wait.
Listen to me.
Shelly? O'Connell, under no definition of the word are you a failure.
Okay? I mean, think about it.
Even if you never procreate, think about all that you've accomplished.
The fact that you have this- this powerful yearning to have a child- I mean, come on.
I- I know that's gotta be tough.
Shelly? Fleischman, you're-you're way off.
O'Connell, please.
Trust me.
I- I understand.
Fleischman, I hate babies.
Shelly? What? I do.
O-Okay.
Okay.
Maybe hate is too strong of a word.
I- I dislike them, intensely.
Look.
They're-They're- They're slobbery, and they're whiny.
And-And they- they look at you, you know,just like they could see right into your soul.
And they're unpredictable and they smell and they're noisy.
And the world revolves around them.
And why? I don't get it.
They're not interesting.
They can't tell jokes.
They don't have opinions, and they're boring, you know.
They'rejust boring and annoying, and- I don't want to have one.
And I don't want to be around one, and I- I just don't want to discuss this anymore.
All right? Shelly? You think I'm horrible? Fine,just go ahead and think it.
You know, I- I can't help it.
I- I just don't have maternal instincts.
So shoot me, put me in a zoo, call me selfish and- and tell me I have ice water running through my veins.
I got news for you.
I hate 'em myself.
- What? - I'm serious.
I mean, you ever notice that no matter how clean these things look, they're- they're always so sticky? Yeah.
Yeah.
And they always have that crusty stuff around their mouths.
They're-They're infectious.
They're germs with footed pajamas.
Fleischman.
Yeah.
See, we have somethin' in common.
Yeah.
Shelly! But for you, it's different, you know.
You're a man.
You said it yourself.
If you're a woman, you're supposed to want to brood.
Yeah.
I- I guess I said that to make you feel better.
Well, it was true.
People- especially female people- are supposed to want to have babies.
Well,yeah.
I mean- I mean, maybe some people.
I guess, when they find the right other people.
You know, people feel extreme emotions for other people, and I- I guess procreation is- it's like the ultimate tangible means of expressing that extreme emotion.
You know? Love.
Well, as an example, yeah.
Shelly! Want to try this? What is that, Dave? Tureen of marmot.
Oh.
Thanks, but I'm kind of busy right now.
How's it goin'? Okay, I guess.
I mean, I think it works.
Now that he's not a shaman, I can get rid of all that pipe.
- He was a plumber too? - No, pipe.
Exposition, Dave.
It was really slowin' my story down.
Oh.
It does move faster now.
I mean, I've got the murder on page three.
- Then bang, you're right into the movie.
- Right.
And the fight with the nunchakus in the crack house really zips along.
Nunchakus? Yeah.
See, pace is everything, Dave.
Getting to the action as fast as possible.
Basic Instinct- here's this couple.
They're makin' love, they're makin' love, they're makin'love-bang! She stabs him with an ice pick.
End of page one.
That was a deliberate sales strategy, Dave.
Joe Eszterhas got three million dollars for that script.
Did your agent tell you that? Yeah.
He really knows his stuff.
Shelly? - Shelly! - Shelly! Shelly! Shelly! Shell! Here she is.
I found her! - Shelly.
Shelly? Holling? Shelly, thank heavens.
You scared the blue blazes out of me.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I- I guess I just dozed off.
Wow.
Maggie, what kind of mushrooms were in that salad? Uh, there wasn't any salad.
There wasn't? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't get up now.
Let- Let me check you out.
Do you have any pain anywhere? No.
Contractions? No.
All right.
You're probably a little dehydrated.
We're gonna get you up real slow here, okay? You-You feel dizzy? No.
I'm fine.
Really.
I just want to go home and check out my shower loot.
All right.
Let's go.
Nice and easy.
On three, all right? One, two, three.
You all right? Fine.
I was so worried about you.
Alea jacta est, babe.
Excuse me, Ed.
Oh.
Walt, I'm kind of busy right now.
This'll only take a second.
Did you know somebody named Judd " Brommel"? Bromell.
He's my agent.
Well, what's the problem, Walt? Well, Mr.
Bromell is dead.
- Dead? - Judd? Mmm.
Me and Rufus Toler were out layin' traps next to Cherry Stone Creek.
Came upon this rent-a-car in the middle of nowhere.
Apparently it had broken down, and the fella got out and walked up the road about a mile.
We followed his tracks and found him.
Well, what was left ofhim.
Looked like he was set upon by a pack of wild dogs.
We haven't had a wild dog thing since 1957.
That was over near, uh, Quay Point, wasn't it? They never did round up that pack.
Could be the same canine family.
Mr.
Bromell didn't leave much behind but this.
Your name and address was in there as his last appointment.
His FiloFax.
It's a shame.
Nice lookin' fella.
Well, the shoes were nice.
Anybody notify the police? Yep.
They're lookin' for the next of kin.
Maybe you want to give the station a call, Ed.
All right.
Boy.
That's a hell of a note.
Yeah.
I just finished doin' all my changes on the script.
Now I gotta find a new agent.
Ed, what's the matter with you? A man's dead here.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Wow.
Sorry, Maurice.
Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Well, hi, there.
Here.
What do we have here? My birth plan.
Yes on the epidural.
No on the episiotomy.
And-What's that other " E"? Oh.
No enema.
Ah.
Well, it- it's not required, so- Great.
So, this is it, huh? Yeah, I- I'd say we're in the home stretch here.
This morning at breakfast, I saw the pooper's foot stickin' out right next to my rib.
Looked like a Megadeth CD cover.
I just looked at that and said, "Shelly Tambo Vincoeur, you are in for the ride of your life.
" I'll see you later.
Hey, Maggie.
Hi, Ed.
Did I miss the mail run? No, no.
Just about to take off.
I had to fix a few things first.
Oh, great.
What've you got there? Oh, my scripts.
Oh.
Heard about your agent.
Oh.
Yeah.
He seemed like a really smart guy.
- So what are you gonna do, try and get yourself a new one? - Oh, yeah.
Well, in his FiloFax there were all these addresses and names of other agents, along with what kind of cars they drive and what restaurants they like to go to.
Well, that ought to come in handy.
I decided not to change my script though.
I went back and reread the first draft, and- Well, I think it's good.
Good.
It's mine anyway.
You know, what I like to write.
- Sorry I missed your baby shower.
- Oh, that's all right, Ed.
- I saved you a piece of cake though.
- Oh, great.
Uh, I wonder if you'll ever want to have a baby, Maggie.
Me? Sure.
One day.
'Cause you'd be a really good mom.
What makes you say that? Well, the way you take care of your plane.
My plane? - Well, yeah, but that's- that's totally different.
- Well, how? Well, I better be goin'.
Thanks, Maggie.
Yeah.
See you.
See you later.
The talented Mrs.
Sartre once said, "One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
" I'm afraid I took that just a tad too literally.
You see, I tried to assume that identity and cross that boundary, and I was told in no uncertain terms to take a hike.
Touché.
Here's what one artist learned about procreation: There's nothin' to be learned about it.
You see, the function of childbirth is not for us aesthetes to get our transcendental jollies or for mothers to have great tales to tell at baby showers.
The function of childbirth is to land new life on the planet, period.
So I'm exiting this play.
Spotlight on the pooper.
And on that note, Shelly Tambo Vincoeur is recovering quite nicely after her Hansel and Gretelesque episode out in the woods.
Hats off to you, Shel.
You're more of a woman than I'll ever be.
It's from L.
A.
Oh, wow.
Oh.
Wow.
Somebody famous? Judd Bromell.
Oh.
Is- Is- Is that the one who hangs around with that rambunctious actress? The one who stepped on a woman in a bar? Oh.
No.
That's Judd Nelson, Ruth-Anne.
Judd Bromell's an agent over at Pierce, Blaustein and Jankowitz.
P.
B.
J.
was one of the only boutique agencies left standing after the big InterTalent-I.
C.
M.
merger.
Is that right? Yep.
I submitted my screenplay to them.
The-The one about the shaman? What's it called? The Shaman.
Oh.
It's a small-budget character piece.
Well, I think it'd be a perfect vehicle for one of the Baldwin brothers.
Well, wh-what did this Mr.
Bromell have to say? It's from his assistant.
It says, uh, "Ed,Judd read your material.
"Will be in Alaska on business-pleasure.
Wants to meet.
Breakfast, Thursday at 9:00.
" Breakfast? Oh, yeah.
Power breakfast, Ruth-Anne.
See, people in the industry, they finally figured out that breakfast, that's just a big bunch of wasted time- hangin' out with their family and stuff.
They could be out making big deals.
Oh.
This, uh, Mr.
Bromell is a very important agent? Top 10 on the Trailblazer List.
Well, this is exciting.
I'm very proud of you, Ed.
Thanks, Ruth-Anne.
Say, I better come up with a list of casting choices.
Well, you'd better take the morning off.
Go on now.
But, uh- Thanks, Ruth-Anne.
And don't forget the little people.
I'm really glad you're helping with the party, Eve.
And I have some ideas,you know.
I thought it'd be a tea.
I love high teas.
You know, scones and jam and those finger sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
It'd just be so civilized.
No.
Out of the question.
Why? A baby shower's always a tea.
In Grosse Pointe it's practically synonymous.
Tea.
Caffeine.
All that sugar.
Shelly may be experiencing edema, and gestational diabetes can happen very late in the game.
Well, good point.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Well, look.
Then we'll do decaffeinated tea and sugar-free jam.
How's that? God, all these things you have to avoid when you're pregnant.
The heart sounds good.
The baby's turned.
The head's down.
Which is good.
All right.
Nice and easy.
I got you.
All righty.
So, in the next few weeks, the baby will begin its decent into the pelvic cavity.
Which should eliminate some of the pressure you're feeling on your diaphragm.
Whoa.
Good move, Pooper.
So, now it's time for you to make a few decisions.
Tell me about it.
We've pretty much decided on Miranda Bliss if it's a girl.
Well, I'm- I'm talking about labor.
Delivery.
Oh.
Well, I got bags of time.
The first one's always late.
Right? No, no, no.
Not at all.
You-You really- You should be thinking what kind of labor do you want.
There's more than one kind? Well, yeah.
Remember? We went over this in class.
Do you want to be medicated, or do you want an epidural? - Um- - Epidural is effective.
It's safe for the baby.
Basically, what's happening is, it's numbing the area where the contractions occur, but it leaves you enough feeling so that you can push.
Well-Tell you what.
Let's just wing it, see what happens.
- I think it's better if you make the decision now.
- Oh.
Now,you also have to make sure that you register for pre-admittance at the hospital.
Hospital? Yeah.
St.
Paul's in Anchorage is, uh, is the closest.
Forty minutes by air.
They also have an infant I.
C.
U.
, which-which I think is important.
- Gee.
- I'm not telling you these things to- to scare you.
These are highly unlikely, but- I've never been in a hospital.
Why don't you give it some thought.
You work out a birth plan, and we can go over it next week.
Okay? Okay.
You know, it's funny to me the way people refer to childbirth as miraculous.
I mean, a miracle is something that defies nature.
Only childbirth's gotta be the most natural thing in the world.
Top three anyway.
But on the other hand, when you think about it, there's really no other word that fits.
I mean, sperm, egg, a coincidental meshing of genetic information that, you know, grows something that could write an opera or cook up some napalm.
It just blows my mind.
Yeah.
Flowers.
Flowers.
We need a centerpiece for the table.
Maybe a spray collection, and a corsage for Shelly.
A corsage? She's not goin' to a prom.
I mean,just the way,you know, it brings people together.
How- How a total stranger might want to go up and just touch the belly of a pregnant lady, you know.
Or the way it brings friends together.
You know, a woman like Maggie, in particular- how she will unite in celebration and anticipation of the coming birth.
There's no mystery about that part.
Right? I mean, that's just brooding.
What? Brooding.
You know.
I mean, a woman sees another woman having a baby, and then she starts to want to have one.
Oh, really? Is that a medical term or a sociological term- brooding? It's neither.
It's a sexist one.
Well, wait.
Why do you say that? You-You're saying that women don't want to have babies, and if they do, they should be ashamed of it? You know, Fleischman, you're so smug, sitting there with your 10-second interpretations of the female psyche.
You know, what you know about women you wouldn't be able to see under an electron microscope.
Calm down, okay? First of all, this was just an off-hand remark.
Okay? An observation.
No, it wasn't.
It was a diagnosis, Fleischman.
Men- Men are so quick to attribute female behavior to some sort of phantom condition.
Like hysteria, for example.
In the 18th century, boy, they'd just rip a woman's womb out for that one.
This isn't what I'm saying, O'Connell.
I just really wish you'd keep your insights to yourself.
Uh, you tell me what I said here.
My corns are killing me.
Yes, son? Phone.
Uh, there's a pay phone across the street.
Fax? Are you from Mr.
Bromell's office? I am Judd Bromell.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
I'm Ruth-Anne Miller.
This is our budding genius over here.
Ed? Judd Bromell! I was just about to fax you, man.
Yeah.
I was expecting you at breakfast.
It's been nuts.
Ah.
Well- So.
Whoa, what is this place, man, a store or somethin'? Oh.
Yep.
I work here.
Ruth-Anne's my boss.
That's great.
So, you read my script.
Yeah.
Writing was real sharp.
You got a lot of fans at P.
B.
J.
Oh.
They read it too, huh? Coverage.
Brought it up at a staff meeting.
Evan said he loved the third world perspective.
So, let mejust get settled in, and we'll get started in on the notes.
Notes? Let me ask you somethin', Ed.
Do you like the script the way it is? Well, yeah.
I wrote it.
Yeah.
I mean, but are you open to input? Casting ideas? What? Yeah.
See, I've been wondering if you would think that Liam Neeson was, well, you know, too Irish.
Hey, Ed, come on.
Liam Neeson's casting.
Movie-making is packaging.
But I'm talking about writing.
That's great.
Hey, O'Connell.
What you got there? Jemima Puddle-Duck.
It's for the baby shower.
And no comments, please.
Look.
I- I really feel like I owe you an apology.
Just forget it, all right? No, come on.
I- I really- I was insensitive, and your feelings were hurt.
Yeah.
Well, you know, maybe I overreacted.
I- I mean it.
I- I truly- I didn't mean to insult you.
I just- I didn't know it was such a touchy subject.
I'm not mad at you, Fleischman.
I know in your artless, flat-footed sort of way, you were trying to be kind.
Thanks.
I was.
I- I mean, I know this is gonna sound hard to believe, but I- I- I kind of know how you feel.
You do? Yeah.
I think so.
I mean, men also feel an occasional pressure to- to procreate.
Reproducing is seen as a sign of virility, and if- and if a woman can't conceive, then- then the man feels like a eunuch.
You know, shooting blanks, and all that.
I mean, it's not just women who-who feel like failures if they haven't had a child.
What'd you say? I don't know.
What? Failures? No, no, no.
I- I don't mean it like- No, wait.
You said women who haven't reproduced are failures? I- I don't think that way, you know.
Obviously, I'm sitting here- No, other people think that.
It's like the perceived wisdom, you know.
I mean, it's totally erroneous, but- No, look.
Fleischman, women have more to offer to this world than just their fallopian tubes.
You know, nothing is gonna change until you quit lookin' at us as- as just sperm receptacles.
Come on.
Nobody sees you that way.
Great.
Aw.
"Few women understand how great is the hunger in a man "to be near femininity.
"As a man discovers his own inner femininity, "he will not rely so heavily on the outer woman to live this out for him.
" The inspired words of Robert A.
Johnson, from She: Understanding Female Psychology.
You know, I thought I had a pretty good grip on my feminine side when I started using my hands to make art instead of misdemeanors.
But, ladies and gentlemen, I was deluded.
It has become very clear to me that my inner woman has pretty much been in a coma.
Oh, alive, breathing, ingesting, but unresponsive to stimuli.
Now, if that particular part of my unconscious is, you know, unconscious, then I'm kind of asleep at the aesthetic wheel.
It's not enough to say, "Hey, I'm a good egg.
" I have to take that metaphor one step further.
I have to develop my proverbial ovum.
Well, I don't know where Eve is.
She's supposed to bring the apricot tarts.
But I'm sure she's on the way.
She would've called if she couldn't make it, right? She'll show up.
Anyway, I have this lovely, lovely goat cheese pesto tureen.
If anyone would like some, just help yourself.
Well, I'll take the first swipe.
Ooh, a breast pump.
It has a nipple stimulator.
Great.
Look, hon, it's a breast pump.
That's very nice.
That is fantastic.
That way, pater can do the sustenance thing.
Let me take a look at that, huh, Holling? Wow.
Now,you gotta be real careful not to introduce the bottle too soon.
Otherwise the babe might Am I right,Joel? Yep.
How does this work? Does the sucking action start the let-down reflex? Is- Is that what happens? I don't know.
Well, this is from Fleischman.
- What is it? - It's an ice pack.
Oh! Like to put in the cooler? No.
It's for after.
It- It helps with the sutures.
You sit on it.
Good Lord.
Oh, for heaven's sake, Fleischman, we got food here.
- Stitches.
- Well, guess what.
Guess what.
Look.
Here is a gift from Ruth-Anne.
Huh? Oh, great.
It's hooded bath towels, dear.
Oh.
Thanks.
You want to be real careful that you don't dunk the babe too soon, and, you know, wait until the umbilical stump falls off.
Heath takes the snap, turns, and hands off to Russell.
Oh-ho! Russell is brought down hard by Wooden.
Yoo-hoo.
Hi.
Oh, there's Eve.
Sorry I'm late.
Eve.
Sorry.
We had to start opening the gifts without you.
Did- Did you bring the apricot tarts? Oh! You forgot? Well, I've been monitoring his behavior for the last 48 hours.
He's been exposed to chicken pox and roseola.
I was supposed to follow him through his routine and take his temperature every halfhour.
You call that a screen pass? Which turned out to be normal, fortunately.
Isn't that right, Aldridge? But then he went down late for his nap, and he slept longer than usual.
Sorry.
I didn't have time to wrap it.
A home medical kit.
It's got oral and rectal thermometers.
Oh, boy.
Two beers over here.
Okay.
First thing we got to do, we got to cut the women way down.
Which ones? All of'em.
Look.
Only two women can open up a picture:Julia and Michelle.
Besides, the girls aren't, uh, integral to the story.
The-The shaman's wife? Purely a catalyst.
Oh, but in the end, you know, she saves him.
Like Grace Kelly in High Noon.
High Noon? Hello, Ed? High Noon? Look.
If the shaman is a man, if he's a warrior, he's not gonna send some woman out to fight his battles.
Right? Women don't make you stronger.
They sap your fluids, steal your strength.
Well, I could think about it.
Here's another problem.
Does he have to be a shaman? The shaman? Yeah.
I mean, is that carved in stone, or- Well, it's called The Shaman.
See, because I have this big stunt pictured for the end, you know.
I mean, the guy's- he's like on a high-speed snowmobile or somethin'.
He's got like an AK- a couple of AK-47 s, and he's just pow, ping, pong, pow! You know, he's poppin' off the enemy on the side of the ice wall, and this- You know.
Anyway, it's just- big finish, you know, and I- I- I just- It doesn't fit with the image of a shaman.
But he is a shaman.
I know that, Ed.
That's his problem, man.
Don't make it yours.
Look, Ed.
No one in town is gonna make a picture about a shaman.
Okay.
They just aren't.
They may like to, they may say they are, but they aren't.
I mean, * Here we are now Entertain us * You know? I mean, I'm talkin' about that They're sittin' there, they got a chick on their arm, they got their hand on their wallet.
And then they're sayin', "Wait.
What's a shaman?" You know? I mean, is it a medicine man, a hippy, a wimp? What? What? Right.
But I explain what a shaman is in the narration of the opening sequence.
Look, you don't have to do any of these things.
It's your baby, right? I'm just tryin' to make a suggestion.
What if he starts out as a shaman, and then in act two he has this experience that transforms him? What? Yeah.
So by the time the big finish comes along, well, he's no longer a shaman.
Could that work? You mean, first he's one thing, then he's somethin' else? What does this guy stand for? I hate this guy.
Now, Shelly, take more than that.
I mean, look at all this food.
Now, her stomach is only the size of a nickel right now, and that food is just gonna march right back up the old esophagus.
What's in here, dear? - Uh, watercress and- and cucumber.
Hmm.
Doesn't sound like that'd make much of a sandwich, but it's delicious.
Now, Shelly, you really shouldn't eat so heavily this close to labor, 'cause, you know, you could require an emergency C-section, and with a general anesthetic, well,you could aspirate on your own vomit.
Oh, for God's sake.
You stop eating 12 hours before labor, not days.
Come on, Mirer! He rolls to his left.
Yes! Get in there! Oh, he's stopped just short of the goal line by André Tippin, and- Maurice, you've left me in a pretty unsavory position here.
I'm going to have to use the bridge.
So tantalizing close to that goal line.
Here you go, Sonny.
Take over.
Mirer has them in the line.
Thanks.
He looks over the defense.
He calls out an audible.
He takes the snap.
Hands off- Come on.
Come on! Get it.
Get it.
Get it! Yeah! This fax just came in from Ed.
It says, uh, " Sorry I couldn't come to the shower.
Doing script notes with my agent.
" - I thought he finished that script.
- Well, wait a minute.
Why'd he fax? Couldn't he call? Beats me.
Hey, Maurice.
Maurice, where is everybody? Oh.
They're, uh, around.
Really? Yeah.
Okay.
We're getting ready to cut the cake soon, all right? Oh, no, Aldridge, no.
Don't- Don't put your fingers in the cake.
Oh.
Oh! Aldridge! Oh! Oh.
Oh! Are you okay? Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh.
Oh.
You were just exerting your independence.
Weren't you? Here.
Here.
Well- Here what? Oh.
Hold him while I clean this up.
Okay.
Hi.
Oh.
Well, all right.
Oh, guy, you're heavy.
Hi.
You're a handsome kid.
Aren't you? - And that's silk- - Oh.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh, don't cry.
No, don't cry.
Oh.
Where's your mom? There's your mom.
You missed a spot.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
It's okay.
I'm here, honey.
Okay.
Okay, come on.
Let's go find your mommy.
There's your mommy.
Look, she didn't go anywhere.
See? She's right here.
Ooh-hoo.
So I'vejust gone through and I'm not progressing at all.
In goes the pitocin.
Bam! The first contraction is off the chart.
A bulldozer.
I'm screaming for an epidural.
The labor nurse says, "You can take it.
You're already five centimeters.
" Boy, Aldridge sure has a hard time digesting his apple juice.
White vinegar and soda water.
It'll come right out.
Then I go through nine more hours oflabor, three more hours of pushing, and he's a face presentation.
Oh, no.
Wow.
- What's that? - When the face comes first.
I thought the face was supposed to come first.
No.
The top of the head comes first.
The face is the biggest part of the head, and the birth canal doesn't have time to stretch.
Then out come the forceps, right? No.
No.
Nobody uses them anymore.
That can cause paralysis or brain damage.
Oh, right.
Right.
They have this special machine now.
A vacuum extractor.
And do you mind? - This is my birth.
- Sorry.
They attach the device to his head and suck the little devil out.
Ha! Well, at least you had him vaginally.
I had 30 hours of back labor.
They broke my water- Hey, with one of those crochet needle things? An amnio hook.
Yes.
And then after all of that, I had to have an emergency C-section.
The baby's heartbeat kept stopping, and my blood pressure went sky high.
They gave me a local so I wouldn't feel the incision.
But then I felt this tugging sensation when they pulled the baby out.
Hey, I knew this lady.
She had a C-section, right? They opened her up- they took out her liver and her bladder.
And then when they were finished, they put it in, only backwards.
What? That is medically impossible.
Would you guys just chill? Chris, why do you want to hear this? It's not like you're ever gonna have to do it.
Well, I'm trying to get closer to my womanness, Shelly.
Then go out and cut your salary in half.
And you guys, can't you talk about anything but cervixes and pelvises and- and- - and laborjunk? - Hey, why don't you sit down and take a deep breath, okay? Maybe I can get you a drink of water, honey.
I'll get it myself.
Just 'cause I'm 150 pounds doesn't mean I can't walk.
Oh.
Oh, did that loud voice scare you? Let's light this baby up.
Stand back, boys.
It's showtime! That's it! Whoo! Whoo! Oh! Ow! Yes.
Oh! Back to basics.
I like it.
Orson.
All right.
Right.
- Where'd you get that? - Peter Bogdanovich gave it to me.
- You know Peter? - Yeah.
And Marty.
You know him too? Well,just by fax, but- Well, he's the greatest.
Yeah.
Guess you gotta have your Scorseses.
Where'd you go to school, Ed? Oh,just down the road a bit.
No.
I mean college.
Oh.
I didn't go to college.
Really? Well, how about you? Brown, undergraduate.
- Stanford, graduate school.
- Wow.
Yeah.
My father and both my brothers went to Brown.
Family connection helps, but once you're there, it's like anything else- warfare, social Darwinism.
Hollywood, same thing.
It's a great business, Ed.
It takes every bit of your resources.
And that's one of the reasons I came up here.
I'm goin' on this survival trip.
You know, Evan hooked me up with one of those packages- Uh, Survival Experiences of Sleetmute.
Thirty-mile dog sled trek, build your own igloo, man verses nature, no phones.
I think I could learn something really important up here, Ed.
I think I could learn what I'm made of.
Yeah.
Look, I don't want to have to put your faces back together if one of those things goes off early.
I'm serious.
Watch the wind.
There we are.
Whoa! All right.
Get back! Holy cow.
Yeah.
Ho! Whoa.
Have you finished up the baby talk there, Stevens? Yeah.
They kicked me out.
Come on over here and light one of these, man.
Forget about that.
I was so close to tappin' into that nurturing, nonaggressive thing too, you know? Oh, no.
Hey, what's that, an M-80? Yeah.
The La Tache of fireworks.
Where'd you get that? Baja.
Thank God you can still walk into a store in Mexico and still buy firecrackers.
Yeah.
Amphetamines too.
All right.
Let me just do one.
Come on.
You guys are nuts.
Holling, get back.
You ready? Yep.
There she goes! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Go, go, go, go! Hey, hey! Whoo-hoo! Whoa! - Whoo-hoo! Give me one of those.
Here, help yourself.
Give me that match.
Whoo! Hey.
It's kind of catching, isn't it? Come on, do it again.
Let's do it again.
Come here.
Okay.
What you want to do is follow this road up, and you'll see signs for the interstate.
And this is the town you want to get to- Indigo Bend.
Great.
Think I'll get there before dark? I have to get fitted for my fleece suit and teamed with my huskies, and all that.
Yeah.
You better get goin' then.
Ed, nice talkin' to you.
Keep in touch.
Uh, well, say, uh- You mean you won't be coming back through Cicely? I don't know.
My plans are kind of indefinite, but- Is there a point in comin' back? You mean, am I gonna rewrite my script? Hey.
Man, like I said, it's your baby.
And I mean that.
Well, right.
But I mean, well, if I don't, then you don't want to represent me.
No.
No.
No.
But it would help if I believed in what I was sellin'.
Human nature.
All right, I'll do it.
It's a tough business.
You know, why put up extra obstacles, right? Like Woody Allen says, "It's worse than dog eat dog.
It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
" Is that guy's life a train wreck or what? Ed, stay cool.
All right.
You stay warm.
Medea, why don't you just open up? We're all here for you.
Certainly.
I have some feelings, some pain.
This stuff is hard to talk about.
Just relax and take it slow.
You're among friends.
We've all been through the same situation.
That's why we're here.
Okay.
Good.
So, what are you feeling, Medea? Guilt, I guess.
I mean, it wasn't the kids' fault.
But I had so much rage.
I stuck byJason through that whole Golden Fleece episode.
I'm the reason he's famous.
If it weren't for me, he'd still be ferrying tea across the Hellespont.
But then he left me for Creusa.
Princess of who cares.
I had to lash out.
Oh, wow.
You're a little late, aren't you? Me? Oh.
I've got three more weeks to go.
No, I mean late for the group.
Now grab a seat.
Medea's finally opening up.
Uh, are you guys from around here? This is Medea, Queen Victoria, and there's Olympias over there.
She's been in a bad mood for about 2,000 years.
Alexander the Great was a problem child.
Who are you? Mother Nature.
You're Mother Nature? You havin' a problem with that? Well, I just had you pegged as somebody older.
You know, more maternal.
Well, what's maternal? Maternal's somebody who's had a baby.
I'm responsible for every baby on this planet.
Is this some kind of party? Support group for mothers.
Oh.
Shelly, let me fix you some decaf, and then we'll talk about it.
What? Well, everything you're scared of.
Childbirth, being responsible for another human being, losing your identity or your attractiveness to your husband.
You know about that? Like, if I don't, who does? So tasty.
Oh.
Earl Grey or camomile, Ruth-Anne? Honey, if I take another sip, I'll float home.
You know, Shelly's been in the bathroom a long time.
I hope she's okay.
Shelly's not in the bathroom.
No? No.
I was just in the bathroom changing Aldridge's diaper.
Huh.
I wonder where she is.
And so I said to him, "Spend a little time at home.
"Settle for Alexander the Pretty Good, Alexander the Exceptional even.
" Ha! He takes off for India.
I never see him again.
My son.
That is so sad.
I breast-fed him and everything.
So, Medea, what about your kids? Oh, dear.
I couldn't hack it.
Okay? But, uh, that's just me.
Military school? Infanticide.
- You offed your kids? - I am a sorceress.
What do you want from me? Wow.
I think I made a humongous mistake, getting knocked up.
Well, it's not all rosy.
Better to admit it.
But is it a mistake? If it is, then it's one we've been makin' for a few thousand years.
Hmm.
I made it nine times.
But why? You knew how bad the big " L" was.
Honey, it's just war stories.
The reason why you hear all that stuff about back labor and face presentations is because they make good drama.
I mean, you never hear about the baby who just popped out.
- Right, girls? That's right.
Like you never hear about the soldier who didn't see no action.
It's like, I'm cool with bein' a pregnant chick.
I can watch Wheel of Fortune and grow a liver at the same time.
But I guess I've been so busy gestating, I haven't even dealt with the actual mom thing.
I'm totally not ready.
I don't know how to change a diaper.
I don't know if I can express milk.
I don't even want to think about a rectal thermometer.
Harsh.
It's like I want to get off this ride, but it's not stopping.
You want me to tell you everything is going to be okay.
Don't you? - Yeah.
- I won't do that.
Oh.
Some days are gonna be great.
Other days, you're gonna want to just jump off a building.
Mm-hmm.
But keep this in mind.
There is a little gizmo I threw into your nature.
You have an instinct to take care of things.
Everybody does.
Even men.
Men just can't remember where they put it half the time.
What about her? Radically co-dependent.
Look, let me tell you why I set it up this way.
Babies are cute.
Children are cute.
But they are also a gigantic pain in the butt.
And one of the things that keeps you from droppin'them in the nearest volcano is that you had to work too hard to get 'em.
You had to cry.
You had to scream.
You had to sweat.
You had to cuss out health care officials.
Sing it.
And when that's all over with, you'll be willin' to put up with a lot more from your kid.
Mm-hmm.
Huh.
So, there's no gettin' out of the labor gig.
Just remember whatJulius Caesar said when he was crossin' the Rubicon: Alea jacta est.
The die is cast.
It's too late now, my dear.
Shelly? Shelly! Shelly! Shelly? Shelly! Shelly! Look, Maurice, candy wrappers.
Shelly? Shelly, hon? These look like footprints over here.
Shelly? I blame myself.
It's not your fault, Holling.
I was off shooting firecrackers at my own baby shower.
I should have been sharing the moment with Shelly, making sure she was happy.
Shelly? Yeah, that's true.
Shel? We'll find her.
- Shelly? - Shelly! Ugh.
I can still smell that apple juice.
Look, um, I- I feel like we gotta talk here.
Now, Fleischman? Well, uh, you seem pretty depressed to me.
Shelly! Yeah, I am a little.
Well, it's- it's kind of obvious.
Well, my shower was a complete bust.
No.
You know what I mean.
I'm talkin' about this brooding thing.
Shelly, hon? Oh, Fleischman, would you just let that rest? Wait, wait, wait.
Listen to me.
Shelly? O'Connell, under no definition of the word are you a failure.
Okay? I mean, think about it.
Even if you never procreate, think about all that you've accomplished.
The fact that you have this- this powerful yearning to have a child- I mean, come on.
I- I know that's gotta be tough.
Shelly? Fleischman, you're-you're way off.
O'Connell, please.
Trust me.
I- I understand.
Fleischman, I hate babies.
Shelly? What? I do.
O-Okay.
Okay.
Maybe hate is too strong of a word.
I- I dislike them, intensely.
Look.
They're-They're- They're slobbery, and they're whiny.
And-And they- they look at you, you know,just like they could see right into your soul.
And they're unpredictable and they smell and they're noisy.
And the world revolves around them.
And why? I don't get it.
They're not interesting.
They can't tell jokes.
They don't have opinions, and they're boring, you know.
They'rejust boring and annoying, and- I don't want to have one.
And I don't want to be around one, and I- I just don't want to discuss this anymore.
All right? Shelly? You think I'm horrible? Fine,just go ahead and think it.
You know, I- I can't help it.
I- I just don't have maternal instincts.
So shoot me, put me in a zoo, call me selfish and- and tell me I have ice water running through my veins.
I got news for you.
I hate 'em myself.
- What? - I'm serious.
I mean, you ever notice that no matter how clean these things look, they're- they're always so sticky? Yeah.
Yeah.
And they always have that crusty stuff around their mouths.
They're-They're infectious.
They're germs with footed pajamas.
Fleischman.
Yeah.
See, we have somethin' in common.
Yeah.
Shelly! But for you, it's different, you know.
You're a man.
You said it yourself.
If you're a woman, you're supposed to want to brood.
Yeah.
I- I guess I said that to make you feel better.
Well, it was true.
People- especially female people- are supposed to want to have babies.
Well,yeah.
I mean- I mean, maybe some people.
I guess, when they find the right other people.
You know, people feel extreme emotions for other people, and I- I guess procreation is- it's like the ultimate tangible means of expressing that extreme emotion.
You know? Love.
Well, as an example, yeah.
Shelly! Want to try this? What is that, Dave? Tureen of marmot.
Oh.
Thanks, but I'm kind of busy right now.
How's it goin'? Okay, I guess.
I mean, I think it works.
Now that he's not a shaman, I can get rid of all that pipe.
- He was a plumber too? - No, pipe.
Exposition, Dave.
It was really slowin' my story down.
Oh.
It does move faster now.
I mean, I've got the murder on page three.
- Then bang, you're right into the movie.
- Right.
And the fight with the nunchakus in the crack house really zips along.
Nunchakus? Yeah.
See, pace is everything, Dave.
Getting to the action as fast as possible.
Basic Instinct- here's this couple.
They're makin' love, they're makin' love, they're makin'love-bang! She stabs him with an ice pick.
End of page one.
That was a deliberate sales strategy, Dave.
Joe Eszterhas got three million dollars for that script.
Did your agent tell you that? Yeah.
He really knows his stuff.
Shelly? - Shelly! - Shelly! Shelly! Shelly! Shell! Here she is.
I found her! - Shelly.
Shelly? Holling? Shelly, thank heavens.
You scared the blue blazes out of me.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I- I guess I just dozed off.
Wow.
Maggie, what kind of mushrooms were in that salad? Uh, there wasn't any salad.
There wasn't? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't get up now.
Let- Let me check you out.
Do you have any pain anywhere? No.
Contractions? No.
All right.
You're probably a little dehydrated.
We're gonna get you up real slow here, okay? You-You feel dizzy? No.
I'm fine.
Really.
I just want to go home and check out my shower loot.
All right.
Let's go.
Nice and easy.
On three, all right? One, two, three.
You all right? Fine.
I was so worried about you.
Alea jacta est, babe.
Excuse me, Ed.
Oh.
Walt, I'm kind of busy right now.
This'll only take a second.
Did you know somebody named Judd " Brommel"? Bromell.
He's my agent.
Well, what's the problem, Walt? Well, Mr.
Bromell is dead.
- Dead? - Judd? Mmm.
Me and Rufus Toler were out layin' traps next to Cherry Stone Creek.
Came upon this rent-a-car in the middle of nowhere.
Apparently it had broken down, and the fella got out and walked up the road about a mile.
We followed his tracks and found him.
Well, what was left ofhim.
Looked like he was set upon by a pack of wild dogs.
We haven't had a wild dog thing since 1957.
That was over near, uh, Quay Point, wasn't it? They never did round up that pack.
Could be the same canine family.
Mr.
Bromell didn't leave much behind but this.
Your name and address was in there as his last appointment.
His FiloFax.
It's a shame.
Nice lookin' fella.
Well, the shoes were nice.
Anybody notify the police? Yep.
They're lookin' for the next of kin.
Maybe you want to give the station a call, Ed.
All right.
Boy.
That's a hell of a note.
Yeah.
I just finished doin' all my changes on the script.
Now I gotta find a new agent.
Ed, what's the matter with you? A man's dead here.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Wow.
Sorry, Maurice.
Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Well, hi, there.
Here.
What do we have here? My birth plan.
Yes on the epidural.
No on the episiotomy.
And-What's that other " E"? Oh.
No enema.
Ah.
Well, it- it's not required, so- Great.
So, this is it, huh? Yeah, I- I'd say we're in the home stretch here.
This morning at breakfast, I saw the pooper's foot stickin' out right next to my rib.
Looked like a Megadeth CD cover.
I just looked at that and said, "Shelly Tambo Vincoeur, you are in for the ride of your life.
" I'll see you later.
Hey, Maggie.
Hi, Ed.
Did I miss the mail run? No, no.
Just about to take off.
I had to fix a few things first.
Oh, great.
What've you got there? Oh, my scripts.
Oh.
Heard about your agent.
Oh.
Yeah.
He seemed like a really smart guy.
- So what are you gonna do, try and get yourself a new one? - Oh, yeah.
Well, in his FiloFax there were all these addresses and names of other agents, along with what kind of cars they drive and what restaurants they like to go to.
Well, that ought to come in handy.
I decided not to change my script though.
I went back and reread the first draft, and- Well, I think it's good.
Good.
It's mine anyway.
You know, what I like to write.
- Sorry I missed your baby shower.
- Oh, that's all right, Ed.
- I saved you a piece of cake though.
- Oh, great.
Uh, I wonder if you'll ever want to have a baby, Maggie.
Me? Sure.
One day.
'Cause you'd be a really good mom.
What makes you say that? Well, the way you take care of your plane.
My plane? - Well, yeah, but that's- that's totally different.
- Well, how? Well, I better be goin'.
Thanks, Maggie.
Yeah.
See you.
See you later.
The talented Mrs.
Sartre once said, "One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
" I'm afraid I took that just a tad too literally.
You see, I tried to assume that identity and cross that boundary, and I was told in no uncertain terms to take a hike.
Touché.
Here's what one artist learned about procreation: There's nothin' to be learned about it.
You see, the function of childbirth is not for us aesthetes to get our transcendental jollies or for mothers to have great tales to tell at baby showers.
The function of childbirth is to land new life on the planet, period.
So I'm exiting this play.
Spotlight on the pooper.
And on that note, Shelly Tambo Vincoeur is recovering quite nicely after her Hansel and Gretelesque episode out in the woods.
Hats off to you, Shel.
You're more of a woman than I'll ever be.