Sabrina The Teenage Witch s05e11 Episode Script

Ooh hold it right there! Ah, beautiful.
Easy for you to say.
You can't see what's in the bottom of this.
I think I'll call that one, "Girl With Cup.
" I've got a better picture for you "Girl Doing Job.
" You know, I could shoot a whole series on this.
"A day in the life of a minimum-wage slave.
" Oh, I'm flattered, yet oddly put off.
You must be pretty jazzed about this whole photography thing.
I'm loving it.
After three years of just bouncing around and shelling out tuition I found the secret to enjoying a major.
Not changing it every two weeks? No, picking something you're totally excited about.
I mean, this is the first class where I actually enjoy doing the assignments.
Well, maybe you'd enjoy doing mine.
I'm serious.
I think I could turn this into a career.
That's great.
That's awesome.
It's amazing you found something to be passionate about.
Yeah, for a while I was afraid I'd be making espressos and scrubbing coffee pots the rest of my life.
I'd be happy if you just did it the rest of the day.
Yikes, I wonder what I should call that photo.
Oh, how about "Boss's Brilliance Eclipsed Only By Her Beauty.
" Make me double prints.
Life's changing around me, and I'm gonna make it mine I'm reaching out and living by my rules Time's moving way too fast I wanna make it last 'Cause I'm out on my own now And I like the way it feels.
It can't be the Avon lady.
She's gone dot-com.
You expecting anyone? No, but if it's G-men, last you heard Miles Goodman is a towel boy, Club Med Pakistan.
Oh, no G-men but we got the J-man.
What's going on, Josh? Oh, nothing major, just my whole world crumbling.
That doesn't sound good.
Come on in.
Thanks, Sabrina.
You know, it's a good thing I have someone who's sensitive, caring, and always there for me.
Thanks.
I meant Morgan.
Could you go tell her I'm here? I would, but she's in New York shopping.
Apparently your sensitive girlfriend forgot to tell you.
Oh, man! Why does Morgan have to be gone on the same day I find out I have no talent.
Who said you have no talent? My professor.
I showed him some of the photographs I took and he said they were "ho-hum.
" Big deal! What does that bozo know anyway? That bozo spent 20 years at Life magazine and shot over 50 covers.
So, who reads Life magazine? People only look at it for the The pictures! Obviously, I don't have what it takes to be a photographer.
I can't believe you're calling it quits after one off-the-cuff comment.
He must've said something encouraging about your work.
Yeah, sure, he said I had some potential.
But he called my pictures "pedestrian.
" But "potential" is good.
And "pedestrian" isn't so bad either.
I mean, whenever I cross the street I am proud to be a pedestrian whoo! Nice try, but I'm seeing a lot of lattes in my future.
You know, nobody's an expert when they start out.
You think Mozart just plopped himself down in front of a piano and started playing concertos? Okay, bad example.
Look, the point is it takes years to develop a craft.
Look at my Aunts Hilda and Zelda.
Which craft did they develop? Witchcraft, who said anything about witchcraft? I like your pictures.
Well, some of the students did say nice things about "Bird on a Stoop.
" Well, then, get out there.
Shoot more birds, more stoops.
This is your passion.
You have to go after it! You really think so? I know so.
And you heard it from one of the world's greatest pedestrians.
Hey, Aunt Hilda you know how you're always looking for new ways to bring in people to the coffeehouse? You mean, like last week when I started that rumor that Brad Pitt had been spotted here? That was a rumor? I worked extra shifts! Wow! There really is one born every minute.
Anyway, I thought of a great new idea to bring in business.
Let local artists display their work here.
I'm not exactly bouncing off the walls.
You get a percentage of whatever they sell.
I'll take that as a "yes.
" And you know, it's not just about money.
The coffeehouse could become a famous watering hole for artists.
Like the great salons of gay Paree.
I could be a patron of the arts An inspiration to young talent Great! so where do we find our first artist to sponge off? What a coincidence.
I think I see one now.
Josh? He can't even draw the blinds.
He's a really talented photographer.
Hey, guess what! My aunt wants you to display some of your photographs here.
Are you serious? Absolutely.
My raison d'etra is to encourage creativity enlightenment, vision Cash only.
All sales are final.
Very powerful imagery.
Thank you.
I love the way the oak tree's beauty is juxtaposed against the hideousness of acid rain.
Oh, that's an iced mocha someone splashed on it.
Oh.
I love it-- the perfect melding of art and menial labor.
Sabrina, nobody's liking my stuff.
I think this whole idea was a bust.
Oh, that's not true.
Its going great! I mean, look that woman is checking out your work.
She's checking for spinach in her teeth.
Remind me again, what is ten percent of nothing? Aunt Hilda, you've got to have a little patience.
I mean, you know the saying: "Moulin Rouge wasn't built in a day.
" That was Rome.
And if they had listened to me instead of that dufus Caesar it would've been done by noon.
Look, Sabrina, I know you meant well but the public has spoken.
My photos stink.
Wait, Josh, wait Brilliant! Look over there.
Excuse me, Who do I talk to about buying this? Me.
Did you hear that? Someone wants to buy my photo! No kidding, that's great! Exquisite, isn't it? We'd like to purchase this piece.
Sorry, this gentleman already asked about it.
I'll give you $800 for it.
However, no deal is final until the check clears.
$800? Did you hear that? I'm willing to pay $1,000.
$1,000 for that? He'll take it! Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of "Cat Without Shame.
" My wife's going to love it.
Apparently he's married to "Wife Without Taste.
" Whoo-hoo you sold your first photograph! Yeah, for 1,000 bucks.
Not so fast, Ansel Adams.
One of those C-notes is mine.
Someone actually paid money for a picture of you? That's right, toots.
for Saberhagen in the buff.
You're sure it wasn't pesos or lira? Face it, I'm a natural-born star.
Zellie, I'm ready for my close-up.
Trust me, you have no future in show business.
I've already got one paw in the door.
Read this.
Hmm, "Open auditions for Little Wussies Cat Food commercial.
" I faxed my head shot this morning.
The one with the "come hither" look.
Just how do you plan to get to this audition? Purr, I love you I assure you, that is not helping your case.
Please, Zelda, let me follow my dream! I'm a college professor.
I don't have time to be your chauffeur.
How about my co-star? They want real pets and real owners in the commercial.
Oh, Salem, I'm not an actress.
Are you interested in what is or what could be? Just look at that face.
Well, it is uncommonly symmetrical.
You want to hide those perfect cheekbones behind a physics book or share them with those who weren't as blessed? Well, I wouldn't want to be selfish.
That's my girl.
Oh, I'm good.
I'm real good.
Josh, didn't my aunt tell you to clean up the back? Uh, yeah, I'll get to it.
Hey, I'm thinking of shooting a whole series on asphalt driveways.
Wouldn't that be a huge seller? Me, I'm more of a cement kind of gal.
But let's face it, you know selling art is a hit- or-miss kind of thing.
Some artists go years between sales.
Well, maybe you didn't hear me.
I said asphalt.
Josh, I don't mean to be, um oh, what is it called your boss? But would you mind reacquainting yourself with a broom? Hilda, relax.
I'm the guy that's turning your coffeehouse into one of the world's great salons.
And everybody loves a clean salon.
That's a beautiful cat.
Oh, thanks.
We just had Mandy's highlights done.
Your cat gets highlights? Oh, they're worth every penny.
Mandy's been raking in the magazine work since we gave her the silver weave.
You know, you might want to do something with your little alley cat.
His coat does look a bit dull.
Miss Spellman, we're ready for you and Salem.
Well, come on, Salem.
I mean, here, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty.
Mandy, what happened to your diamond collar? This is Zelda Spellman and Salem.
Simply beautiful Oh Cat's a little scruffy, though.
Now, Zelda-- you'll say your line then you put down the bowl of Little Wussies and Salem will come running to eat it.
Got it.
Ready and action.
Fluffy is such a picky eater.
I've tried 40 kinds of cat food and he turned up his nose at all of them.
I sure hope he likes Little Wussies.
Excellent.
We'll see you at callbacks on Friday.
Did you hear that, Salem? We made the final cut.
But you'll need to work with the cat.
He's way over the top.
Well I'm sure he'll get it right next time.
After all, he is a natural-born star.
And a diamond thief! Excuse me, Miss, how much is this photo? You mean you want to buy it? Like, of your own free will? It is for sale, isn't it? You bet it is, let's go talk to the artist.
Hey, Josh, great news.
This customer is interested in "Dog on Credenza with Cat.
" I work for a vet.
It'd be perfect in the office.
I'll give you $50 for it.
$50! Buddy, that won't even cover the sales tax.
Josh, that's more than you make in a day's tips and more important, he appreciates your work.
Sabrina my photograph of your cat sold for $1,000.
This shot has a cat and a dog so it's worth at least 2,000.
That's too rich for my blood.
You know, they say an artist's body of work actually quadruples after he's dead.
Your point being? If you're not behind that counter in 30 seconds, you're going to be one rich stiff.
Hey, don't talk to me like that.
You're $100 richer because of me.
A hundred dollars! I'm going to Prada! Okay, I think we all need to take a deep breath calm down, and remember why we're here.
To get America hopped up on caffeine.
Thank you.
Maybe you'll listen to her.
Okay, all right.
I think I see what's going on here and Hilda, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
What are you sorry for? I feel bad that I have the talent to develop this exciting new career and you're going to be stuck grinding beans the rest of your life.
Josh! Actually, grinding beans is the employees' job which at this point, is hanging by a thread.
Is that a threat? Ooh! Talented and smart.
Okay, you can save the witty repartee.
Oh, did you hear that, he called you witty.
I quit.
Josh, wait.
Aunt Hilda, it's not his fault.
Of course it's his fault.
Who else inflated his ego? Thought he was God's gift to photography? Made him think he was too good to do his job? Can I get back to you on that? It is still inconceivable to me to think that someone paid Josh 1,000 bucks for a picture of Salem.
Would it be more conceivable if that someone were under a spell? You didn't? Josh just seemed so depressed when he wasn't selling any pictures so I thought I'd give him a little confidence booster.
You boosted his confidence all right.
It's amazing his body can still support that beach ball of a head.
Do you know of any spells that can help deflate a guy's ego? Only Mother Nature's remedy-- male-pattern baldness.
Great.
Now what am I going to do? Oh, you won't have to do anything.
The real world will pummel that poor kid down to size.
Before you know it, he'll come crawling through those doors.
I'll save a space for that picture right here.
I'll call it "Employee Comes Back With Tail Between Legs "Begging for Job While Boss Tries to Find Shorter Name for Picture.
" Titles are tough.
Hey, Miles, did anyone call? Yes, an unidentified source made contact on my gamma scan.
No, I meant for me.
Oh, Josh called.
Oh, great.
Did he happen to say what a big mistake it was for him to just up and quit the coffeehouse? Close.
He said he's never setting foot in the Java Jam again.
Great.
And oh, yeah.
He took the money he made and rented gallery space to have a showing of his work on Friday.
He sells one photograph and he's going to give himself a gallery exhibition? Who's going to show up? I'll go.
I think his stuff is pretty good.
You do? Yeah, but I also like to lick the tops of nine-volt batteries.
Well, if you think he's good and I think he's good there's no reason we can't get other people to come see his work.
We just have to get out there and spread the word.
Tell all your friends.
You already know, and Roxie's out of town at her family reunion.
That was easy.
Miles, I'm desperate.
Get anybody-- your shrink the head of your Dungeon & Dragons club.
Wait.
Your shrink is the head of your Dungeons & Dragons club.
: I could've been someone.
I could've had class.
I could've been a contender.
Salem, what are you doing? You're the cat.
The cat doesn't have lines.
I know.
I'm getting into character.
I'm a method actor.
What you are is a bad actor.
Oh, yeah? Have you ever tasted Little Wussies? I'm acting my tail off.
If only I had someone decent feeding me lines.
May I remind you that I'm the one the director complimented.
May I remind you that your skirt was hiked up to your nostrils.
If that's how my generosity is going to be rewarded you can just find yourself another quantum physicist to help you push kibble.
Zelda, don't go.
This is my process.
I'm a temperamental actor.
I have pictures of you with the Brothers Grimm.
All right, let's take it from the top.
Hey, thanks for coming.
Hey, free cheese and crackers? I'm there.
Oh, hey guys.
Oh, hey, Josh.
Great turnout.
Guess you got your money's worth out of that Pennysaver ad.
Oh, it wasn't just the ad.
Obviously the guy who bought "Cat Without Shame" was so blown away by my work that he spread the word to his friends in the art community.
Uh-huh.
Works for me.
Excuse me.
Are you the photographer? Well, I've taken a few photos.
But my subjects can't be seen with the naked eye.
I think this is the gentleman you wanted to speak to right here.
It's his show.
Great.
Maybe you can help us settle a debate.
I'd love to.
Is this longhorn cheddar or Vermont? Oh, I'll look into that.
Um, Josh, why don't you go introduce yourself to that person over there admiring that picture? Well, I see I'm not the only one who likes to stop and smell the roses.
Pretty cool, huh? Beyond cool.
You can totally feel the vibe of the extraterrestrial hiding in this unopened bud.
Friend of Miles'? As far as I know, he's still in Pakistan.
Uh, Josh, this is Ethan from Photo Op Magazine.
He says they're always looking for interesting new artists to publish.
Well, I'm new and interesting.
I think the real question is whether your magazine is hip and cutting-edge enough for me.
Uh, all that talent and a sense of humor.
My pieces concentrate on the intent behind an artist's work.
Was "Bird on Stool" a visual metaphor for Man's isolation in a soulless, technology-driven world? Actually, I was just waiting for the bus and I wanted to get a picture of the bird before he flew away.
And? And there's the picture.
So there was no aesthetic vision behind the piece? I just liked the bird.
Photography is more than just pointing a camera at whatever crosses your path.
A good photographer should be trying to convey an emotion or a point of view through his pictures.
As opposed to me, who's just a ho-hum pedestrian? Excuse me? Uh, cheese? We've been having an interesting debate.
Is this longhorn cheddar or Vermont? I think that more thought went into the cheese platters than the photographs hanging on the wall.
That's not true.
These came ready-made from Costco.
Well, you blew it.
Not only did you race through your lines but on the day of our callback you dressed like Bea Arthur.
It's a look.
Would you quit panicking? I'm sure we did fine.
Why else would they have asked us to stay? Hello.
Isn't that skirt a little drafty for January? The director seemed to warm right up to it.
Congratulations Miss Spellman.
You've got the part.
Really? Oh, that's fantastic.
Hope you saved the receipt for that skirt.
Oh, obviously, they decided to go for the frumpy housewife look.
You'll be perfect.
I've got some good news for you, too, Mrs.
Scott.
The role of the cat goes to Mandy.
Well, it's a good thing the party broke up.
We're all out of crackers and cheese.
Sabrina, that's why the party broke up.
It's the only reason those people came.
Let's face it.
I'm never going to sell another photograph.
I'm a one-trick pony.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe you're not cut out for this.
Is that what you really think? Of course not.
But it doesn't matter what I think.
Do you like this picture? Well, yeah, I do but other people don't seem to Oh, forget about other people.
This isn't about other people.
This is about you believing in yourself.
And if you measure your talent based on other people's approval your self-esteem is going to go up and down faster than a jackrabbit on a pogo stick.
Why are you suddenly talking like Jed Clampett? I'm trying to make a point.
You told me you loved photography.
Yeah, I do.
Well, then you got to stick with it.
Persistence is everything.
You're never going to get better unless you fail every now and then.
Someone forgot to invite me to their gallery show.
So when does the party start? It's over.
And you'll be happy to know I didn't sell a thing.
Josh, I didn't come here because I wanted to see you fail.
Sure, you neglected your responsibilities at work and treated me like dirt but I wasn't going to miss your first exhibition.
Now, where's that free cheese? Hilda, look, I owe you a big apology.
My behavior at the coffee shop was totally out of line.
It's okay.
Sometimes people get carried away and do things without thinking about the repercussions.
Isn't that right, Sabrina? Absolutely.
Look, I don't know what kind of photographer you are but when you pay attention you're a heck of a manager.
So what do you say? I'd love to.
Great.
Well, I'm going to look around for a while and, uh, if you find any of that cheese give me a holler.
Hey, look, it's that guy that wanted to buy the picture at the coffeehouse.
Hey, I know you.
You're the guy who couldn't afford "Dog on Credenza with Cat.
" Yes.
Just because I can't afford your work doesn't mean I can't enjoy it.
Aw, who says you can't afford it? You did.
That was before.
Here you go.
It's yours, on the house.
I couldn't just take it for free.
Well, sure you can.
Between you and me I've still got a little work to do on my aesthetic vision.
At least let me give you the $50 I offered you before.
Then I wouldn't feel so guilty about the names I called you after I was laughed out of the coffeehouse.
Wow, so you got your job back and sold a picture? Must be your lucky day.
Yes, it is.
Thanks, Sabrina.
If it weren't for you, I never would have had the courage to try this.
Well, it's the least I could do.
Trust me on that.
What do you say we take this 50 bucks get crazy and blow it on a brick of Velveeta? Keep your money.
I saved us a little private stash.
Monsieur.
Thank you, Mademoiselle.
Oh say cheese.
Did I hear cheese? Oh! Hilda! The commercial's coming on.
Hurry.
Oh, I can't believe you're going to be on television.
I can't believe they hired that no-talent, silver-tipped fur ball over me.
That's show biz.
You tried, you lost, get over it.
Shh.
Here comes my big entrance.
I've tried 40 different kinds of cat foods and Fluffy has turned her nose up at all of them.
I sure hope she likes Little Wussies.
There's my leg.
My arms, my arms.
Where's your head? Little Wussies, you're a lifesaver.
That's it? Three and a half hours in hair and makeup and they don't even show my face? That's show biz, babe.
You tried, you lost, get over it.