Spin City s05e11 Episode Script

You're in a handicap spot.
Yeah, I know, but it's Sunday.
People are handicapped on Sunday, too.
Look, I I hate to do this, but, uh, I'm the mayor.
Yeah, I picked up on that.
Oh, and by the way, thanks for not approving our pay raise.
I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass.
So the mayor got a parking ticket? He must have flipped.
Actually, he gave the cop a promotion.
Officer carney made the rare leap from parking enforcement to bomb squad.
Hey.
How'd the weekend go with Mike? You guys talk? Yeah, and we decided to just be friends.
He's really busy and after 6 months, the long-distance thing was too much.
Carter won the breakup poll.
I won? Yes! I mean aww.
I can't believe you guys organized a poll on when my relationship would fall apart.
I wouldn't say it's organized.
We just sort of threw something together.
You know what? This doesn't bother me.
I'm in a really good place right now, and I'm ready to focus on me.
"Ready to focus on me.
" That's mine.
Hey, what's this? Oh, I'm having a moving sale.
See, since Claudia entered the convent, I gotta move out.
Can I interest you in anything? Thanks, Paul, but I'm really not in the market for a half-used deodorant stick.
Hey Paul That's my suit! You specifically said, "Paul, please take this.
" To the cleaners.
Paul, this is an $800 suit! Which can be yours right now for the low, low price of $150.
I'll give you $125 for it.
Done.
You snooze, you lose.
Sorry, man.
How did the press conference go? They heard about the parking incident and accused me of being insensitive to the handicapped.
I love the handicapped.
I wish more people were handicapped.
Well, what did you tell the reporters? It would have been easy for me to sidestep the issue you know, throw out a few hollow platitudes but I couldn't think of any.
So instead I promised to build a new wheelchair ramp here at city hall.
Oh, Caitlin I heard about your breakup.
Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn.
Thank you, sir.
That's the kind of drivel I could have used on the reporters.
Sorry.
Caitlin, now that you're single, it's inevitable you'll slip up and have a few nights of meaningless sex, and that's okay.
You have needs like anyone else.
Thanks.
What's this? My beeper number.
Caitlin, don't listen to Stuart.
You shouldn't start dating again until you're ready.
Carter's right.
You should wait ideally, 6 or 7 weeks.
And, if you could have a male child out of wedlock, I would be in fat city.
And if you could have twins, I would own fat city.
Sorry, guys, but for me to get over a breakup, it takes me a minimum of 6 months.
The first 2 months, I sulk and eat nothing but fried foods.
Second 2 months, I watch Oprah and stuff my face with chocolate.
And the last 2 months I diet? Guys I gotta talk to Caitlin.
All right, you heard him.
Heel-toe, people.
No pouting.
You too, Carter.
What a gyp! You can't waste 6 months feeling sorry for yourself.
Waste? I cherish this time.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go deep-fry a chef salad.
Caitlin My grandmother once gave me some great advice.
She said, "Charlie, the only way to mend a broken heart is to go score yourself a piece of tail.
" My point is you can't sit around and let life pass you by.
You need to get back out there.
What about that guy? He's kind of cute.
He's better than cute.
Look at thoseMan features.
Ask him out.
I can't go out with some random guy.
You overthink everything.
Be more spontaneous.
Hey, you Would you be interested in going out with this woman tonight? Sure.
My name's Lloyd.
Caitlin.
Carmine's 8:00? I'll be there.
Fantastic.
If I was a chick, I would get so much action.
Where the hell's my ramp? Sir, we just started.
My reputation is at stake here.
I'm in danger of being labeled the anti-handicapped mayor.
This ramp must be finished aspca! Sir, we're taking a coffee break.
Well, I guess it's like they say you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
Gentlemen, I am taking over this project.
Okay.
You're the boss.
All right.
First things first.
Who wants Starbucks? Somebody circled an apartment for rent in our building.
It's right across the hall from us.
Who would circle an apartment for rent in our building? Paul! Paul! Hey, guys, guess what? There's an apartment for rent right across the hall from you! We're gonna be neighbors! And with you living so close, I can splice right into your cable! Didn't you hear? It got snatched up this morning.
We're so disappointed.
So, so disappointed.
No, no, I just spoke to them.
Who took it? A young black woman.
An old white man.
It was a young old black white man woman.
I'm so excited to finally be out with a nice woman.
I love this restaurant.
I love this knife.
I love non-dairy creamer.
Lloyd, you're a very optimistic guy.
Oh, I love optimism.
Some people say that glass is half empty.
I say it's a great day.
Half full.
You okay? I came out of a relationship and all this is a little weird for me.
Hey, weird can be good.
I try to look for the positive in everything.
You don't say? Without rain, I'd never appreciate a sunny day.
Without sickness, I'd never appreciate health.
Without scalding soup on my thighs, I'd never appreciate unburned skin.
Would you excuse me? Hi.
I was in the neighborhood.
I just wanted to check in.
How's it goin'? This is the last time I ever take advice from you or your horny grandmother! She prefers promiscuous.
At least you took a shot.
No big deal, right? After this, he wants to go out for coffee.
So? He doesn't even like coffee.
He only drinks it so he can appreciate tea.
Here's how you lose the guy.
When you leave the restaurant, you get to a corner and say, "hey, we can make this light.
" Take a step forward, give a head fake, then step back.
Before he knows what hit him, you're waving from a cab.
By midnight, you'll be with Sheila your backup date on the business end of a shiatsu massage.
That is the sickest thing I have ever heard.
I would never do that.
Suit yourself.
Let's go, Sheila.
Paul's desperate for a place to live, but a college dorm? Hey.
What's your major? Mr.
Carter, captain stubing, come on in! Dudes, have a seat.
Man, this place is wild.
I'd offer you beer, but the floor is on probation.
Hey, stewpot, you want to finish the last of the Mac and cheese? I'll pass, as much I'd love to stick a spoon you've licked into my mouth.
Paul, do you really want to live in a dorm? Yeah.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I look at you and I think huge loser.
This place is great.
You audit one course, you get cheap housing, free use of the gym, and a pep rally every Friday night.
Paul, don't forget, you came here to learn.
Subir! What's up, lassiter? Boys, this is my roommate, subir.
Hey, you make that food run? Yeah, I got everything.
Outstanding! I got the receipt right here.
It came to a grand total of $110.
We'll split that right down the middle.
okay? Okay, great.
Okay.
They're good for it.
Wow! That tea's gonna be good tomorrow.
Speaking of tomorrow, I've got a big day.
I'm gonna head home.
Are you kidding? The night is young! Hey, let's go to the Brooklyn bridge and talk till the sun comes up! I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
Hey, I think we can make this light.
You know what I love about crosswalks? Lloyd! Lloyd! I got your message.
How's Lloyd? How do you think he is? The horse dragged him down fifth Avenue! That's horrible.
That time of night, you gotta take Lexington.
This is all your fault.
How? Give me one example.
You convinced me to date again! You asked the guy out! You gave me your step-off move! I said one.
Lloyd's gonna be okay.
For someone who's been through this kind of trauma, he's really managed to put a positive spin on it.
He's asked to see his girlfriend.
You can go in whenever you want.
Girlfriend?! We went on one lousy date! I gotta set this guy straight.
I'll be right behind you.
You know, I didn't want to date in the first place, but you said, "what's the worst thing that could happen?" This is it.
Oh, come on.
It could be worse.
Hi, Caitlin.
Hi, honey.
Told ya.
So the doctor said Lloyd's gonna be fine, but Caitlin feels so guilty that she's stuck being his personal nurse.
All because he got brutally mangled by a horse.
Lucky bastard.
Hey, guys! Hey, Paul.
How's dorm life? Couldn't be better! I'll see you guys later.
How's it going, Mr.
mayor? Oh, a-ok.
I'm so glad I decided to go hands-on with this project.
I tell ya, there's nothing like the pride a man feels when he's built something with his own two hands.
Okay, son, I have a good feeling about this one.
I spySomething that begins with the letter "c.
" Ceiling.
Nope.
It's something you'd like to drink.
Cyanide.
No, a coke.
Ha! I win again.
I need some water.
Oh, there's water here.
Other water.
Missed you this morning.
Paul brought a pony keg to the budget meeting.
You had to drink every time you said deficit.
I just played my 50th game of I spy.
I have been here all night! You smell a little gamy.
You may want to get a nurse to give you a sponge bath.
Would you excuse me a minute? Go in there and tell him you're my fiancé.
We've been on-again, off-again, and we just can't stay away from each other.
Gotcha.
The sex was too good.
Get in there! Hi, Lloyd, I'm Charlie.
One second.
I just need to finish my stretching exercises.
Oh, yeah! I'm not a doctor, but maybe you should stop doing that.
We need to talk about Caitlin.
She's an amazing woman.
When those horses hit me, I thought I was a goner.
But as I was being dragged past rockefeller center, all I could picture was her smiling face.
I tell you, she's the only thing keeping me going.
How do you guys know each other? We're cousins.
One of her parents has a sibling who's my father or mother.
Hey.
Hey, Caitlin.
Charlie's just giving me the rundown on you guys.
Yup, we've had our ups and downs, but I can't resist him, sexy devil.
I thought you were cousins.
We're very close.
Come here, cuz.
Well, I better get a move on But I have a good feeling about you two.
I spy a cute couple.
Here he is.
Living in that dorm is killing Paul.
He's out cold.
No sense letting that pudding go to waste.
What's goin' on? Paul, you need a new place to live.
No way.
Mcleary house rocks.
We know somebody right here in city hall who's looking for a roommate.
Who? Larry from the mailroom.
You mean "kung fu" Larry? That guy's crazy.
You want me to live with him? We're just trying to help.
Oh.
All of a sudden you're my friends, huh? You weren't so friendly when you were lying to me about that apartment in your building.
I spoke to your landlord.
He said that apartment was never rented.
Uh, I don't know what to say.
I'll tell you this much.
The guys in the dorm, they may steal my food, put shaving cream in my briefcase, and write "spank me" on all my press releases, but at least they include me.
Actually The "spank me" thing was mine.
Cousins! What the hell was that?! I'm sorry.
I felt bad for the guy.
And did you have to let me make out with you? Probably not.
Now what do we do? My parents are out of town for the weekend.
Lloyd's on his way over from the hospital.
He's being released.
He's healing? Damn it! We ran the guy over with a horse.
You'd think that would buy us a couple of weeks.
All right, that's it.
You gotta break up with him.
I can't.
Why not? I can't stand hurting people.
I like to wait for guys to break up with me.
There's only one flaw in that plan.
You're insanely hot.
Caitlin, look I'm afraid of getting into relationships, you're afraid of getting out.
Neither one of us is gonna meet the right person unless we get over it.
You know what? You're right.
Let's go out there and meet him head-on.
Paul, can we talk? I don't think so.
We brought a pizza.
What's on your mind? PaulWe just wanted to say we're sorry.
Right, Stuart? Yeah, we're sorry.
Whatever.
The apartment's still available.
We'd love to have you for our neighbor.
Stuart! Yeah, you'd be a breath of fresh air.
You give me one good reason why you want me to be your neighbor.
The thing is, uh because Even though we pick on you, you're our friend, and we like having you around.
Go on.
And you make me laugh.
You're a fun guy.
And? And If you make me say one more word, I'm gonna beat you with your hot plate.
All right, all right.
Stop groveling.
I'll do it.
Great! Hold on, hold on.
Give me a minute, okay? This is really like my transition From my old life to my new one.
This little place has really been special to me.
Hey, guys, let's shave lassiter's eyebrows.
Okay, that's enough.
Guys Lloyd is on his way up.
Charlie, I don't think I can go through with this.
You break up with him.
My stuff doesn't work on guys, only women.
It's like how Spock couldn't use the vulcan mind probe on other vulcans.
Okay, that doesn't leave this room.
I'm sorry, but I just can't crush a guy the day he gets out of the hospital.
Come on, Caitlin.
Doesn't it drive you nuts the way Lloyd is so positive about everything? No, Charlie, I happen to be a little more tolerant of people.
Hey, guys.
Great day.
The sun is shining.
The birds are singing.
Oh, put a cork in it.
What now? Go with it.
It's a safe bet he'll take it well.
Lloyd, it's nothing personal, but I can't see you anymore.
Oh, God, no.
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me! This is why I don't gamble.
Um, look, Lloyd, I I'm sorry, but it's over.
I don't want to hurt you, but I'm just not ready to be in a relationship right now, I mean, you know, with you.
Okay.
Better to have loved and lost, right? At least I still have Charlie.
Okay.
Take care, guys.
The ramp is finished, the press is off my back, you're looking at the newest friend of the physically challenged.
Oh, sweet, a gimp.
Care to give it a test drive, son? Love to.
I can't believe I did that! What a relief! And thanks to you, I might be ready to start dating again.
And thanks to you, I'm I'm still the same guy.
Come on.
I'll buy you a drink.
Do you want to take the elevator or the ramp? Let's try the ramp.
Ow, my leg! Caitlin! Charlie! Elevator.
And then Stuart, if you'd give it a little nudge at the top, I think we'll be able to to do it, I think.
Okay, okay, that's perfect.
That's good.
That does it.
You're all moved in.
We're officially neighbors.
This is gonna be great! Yeah, we are blessed.
Ooh, I've got to set up my cable.
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.