Tales from the Crypt (1989) s05e11 Episode Script
Oil's Well That Ends Well
TONIGHT'S TALE CONCERNS A MAN WITH VOID BALLS.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW? PAR FOR THE CORPSE! IS THIS FUN OR WHAT? OH, HELLO, KIDDIES.
DON'T MIND ME IF I'M CARRION ON, BUT I'VE REALLY GROAN TO LOVE THIS GAME.
I COULD GHOUL ALL NIGHT! WHICH BRINGS TO MIND TONIGHT'S TERROR TALE.
IT'S ABOUT A COUPLE OF GAME PLAYERS WHO ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T SLAY BY THE RULES.
I CALL IT OIL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.
OIL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL BABY, YOU ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SEATBELT, RIGHT, EVEN WHEN I'M NOT AROUND? OHH! EVEN WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND.
YOU SURE? YOU NEVER FORGET? IT'S JUST THAT I WORRY ABOUT YOU.
AND YOU EXERCISE, RIGHT, BABY? YOU DO SOME SORT OF AEROBICS I DO ENOUGH.
UHH! BUT, BABY GINA, DARLING, YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS! I MEAN, HELL, WE PORKED ONCE.
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE WE'RE ENGAGED OR SOMETHIN'.
I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.
WHAT IF YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK OR SOMETHIN'? OH, I AM NOT GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK, ALL RIGHT? I'M NOT.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU DRIVE ME TO IT.
OK, BUT HAVE YOU BEEN PLANNING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT? DO YOU HAVE AN I.
R.
A.
? WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON UP THERE?! GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE! HUH! TAKIN' A HIT OF THAT VOODOO JUICE AND PRETENDING TO BE DEAD IS ONE THING, BUT IF I HAD TO LISTEN TO THAT GOO-GOO TALK FOR ONE MORE SECOND, I WAS GONNA KICK IT FOR REAL! THERE YOU GO, BUDDY BOY.
JUST LIKE CLOCKWORK.
HA HA.
AND YOU, PUT A SOCK IN THAT LOVE TALK.
WHERE ARE HER FRIGGIN' CLOTHES? I'M BURIED 6 FEET UNDER AND YOU'RE INTRODUCING THE BEARDED CLAM TO THE ONE-EYED WORM? SHOVE IT, LARRY.
IT JUST SORT OF HAPPENED.
OK.
I SEE.
IF YOU WANT TO GO ON PRETENDING THAT THIS MORON WANTS YOUR TIRED ASS, AND HE WANTS TO GO ON PRETENDING HE CAN JUST HUMP GRANDMA MOSES, I DON'T CARE.
BUT WHEN I'M IN THAT BOX, YOU BETTER BE CONCENTRATED OR I'LL COME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND I'LL SHIT DOWN YOUR FUCKIN' THROAT! YOU GOT THAT, YOU FLEA-BITTEN HOSE BAG? DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT I JUST DON'T THINK THAT'S ANY WAY TO TALK TO A LADY WHO GIVES GREAT HEAD.
OH, BABY.
YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DRIVE INTO VEGAS AND DO A LITTLE CELEBRATIN'? UH-UH, BABY.
I GOT THIS MONEY EARMARKED FOR A KICK-ASS MUTUAL FUND.
WHAT? COME ON, YOU'RE SHITTIN' ME, RIGHT? I GOT ALL MY MONEY IN IT-- $82,000, EARNING 19% ON EVERY PENNY.
AND DON'T LET ANYBODY BULLSHIT YOU, BABY.
YOU GOTTA MAKE YOUR MONEY WORK FOR YA.
AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST ANOTHER PRETTY LITTLE THING WITH BIG TITS AND BLUE EYES.
I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU MET ME I WAS WORTH KILLING FOR.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THIS IS THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.
BUT, UH, ARE YOU SURE YOU AIN'T INTERESTED IN JUST AN ITSY BIT OF BLACKJACK? VEGAS IS FOR CHUMPS.
I SAY WE GET RIGHT BACK TO WORK.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
BACK TO WORK IT IS.
AND I KNOW A PLACE A FEW COUNTIES OVER THAT SHOULD BE READY FOR BUSINESS.
SURE IS YOUR NIGHT.
AW, THANK YOU KINDLY, JO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE AN ANGEL.
WHEN YOU GONNA SPREAD THEM WINGS, HONEY BUTT? HEY! DIDN'T YOUR DADDY EVER TEACH YOU HOW TO RESPECT A LADY? BEING HIS FATHER, I MIGHT TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT, DARLIN'.
I TAUGHT MY BOY GOOD.
AND I DON'T WANT PEOPLE THINKIN' OTHERWISE.
SO YOU JUST GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
AND WHEN YOU SHOW US A LADY, WE'LL SHOW HER SOME RESPECT.
HE JUST WANTED TO GET A LITTLE TASTE! WHOA.
WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE? WELCOME, FRIEND.
SAME TO YOU, SKINNY.
ANOTHER ROUND FOR THE HOUSE AND A BOTTLE OF JIM BEAM ON THE BAR FOR ME.
I'M BUYING, SO KEEP 'EM COMIN'.
YOU GOT IT.
HEY, NOW, PRETTY LADY.
SHOVE IT IN YOUR PANTS, HONEY.
THERE AIN'T NO CHANCE.
LESBIAN.
UMPH! HOH! COME HERE! I'M NO LESBIAN, HONEY.
I DON'T MUNCH CARPET AND I DON'T STRAP IT ON.
BUT I DO HATE MEN.
AND RIGHT NOW, I HATE 'EM IN A BIG WAY.
AHEM.
AHEM.
WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'? UH--UH--UH--UH, GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
DOESN'T LOOK FULL TO ME, HONEY.
SIT DOWN.
WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THIS? IF THE GUY WANTS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, LET HIM GO, BITCH.
THERE WE GO! THAT'S THE WORD I HATE.
BITCH! I SHOW A LITTLE AUTHORITY, I STRESS MY WILL A LITTLE BIT, AND I'M A BITCH.
MEN.
YOU'RE ALL THE SAME.
YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE GUYS I WORK FOR.
THEY WANT ME TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND DO A GOOD JOB.
AND AS LONG AS I DO IT LIKE A GOOD LITTLE GIRL, THEY CAN SCREW ME ALL OVER AND TELL ME TO LIKE IT! AND THEN WHEN THE DAY IS DONE, THEY CAN STOP SCREWIN' ME SO THEY CAN FUCK ME! WHOO! WELL, I SAY SCREW THAT.
SCREW THEM.
SCREW THE COMPANY.
UH, EXCUSE ME, PLEASE, MA'AM, BUT JUST EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS ARE YOU IN? OIL, BUBBA.
BUBBA? THE DISCOVERY AND DISTRIBUTION OF BLACK CRUDE.
Bubba? DAMN IT! I KNEW I'D FIND YOU HERE.
YOU NEED TO GET ON THE PHONE WITH LESTER AND MALCOLM, PRONTO! HEH HA! I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S DEEP, BUT IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE WE'VE FOUND WHAT? FOUND WHAT, JERRY? OIL? I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU IN PRIVATE, MS.
STONE.
HE'S FOUND OIL, BOYS.
HE HAS FOUND OIL.
OIL? VERY OBSERVANT.
YOU'RE SMARTER THAN YOU LOOK.
ON WHOSE PROPERTY? MAYBE ONE OF THESE BRIGHT YOUNG MEN HAS HIT THE JACKPOT? WHO'S THE WINNER? WHO'S THE LUCKY WINNER? NOBODY.
THAT'S A LIE.
LOOK, UH I DON'T THINK THE COMPANY WOULD APPRECIATE THIS BREACH OF CONFIDENTIALITY, MS.
STONE.
FUCK 'EM JERRY.
I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.
WE'RE LEAVING.
I THINK THE LADY WANTS TO STAY.
WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE, JERRY? WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO SELL OUT THOSE BASTARDS AT BAY VISTA OIL? LOOK, I JUST CAN'T DO THIS.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST-- IT'S JUST NOT THAT EASY.
WHY NOT? I GOT 5 GRAND.
I'LL GO BACK TO THE MOTEL AND GET IT.
TO HOLD BACK THAT REPORT UNTIL WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT WITH THE LANDOWNERS.
$5,000 TO LOSE MY JOB? I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE GOT $5,000.
I WANNA BE A PARTNER.
ME, TOO! THAT MAKES 15.
I CAN GIVE I GOT 5 MORE.
THAT'S $25,000, JERRY, TO HOLD UP THAT REPORT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? OK.
FOR $25,000, I'LL HOLD BACK MY REPORT FOR ONE WEEK.
BUT I WANT THAT MONEY IN MY HANDS TONIGHT.
DONE DEAL! YEAH! HA HA HA! OIL! WHY, THANK YOU, DARLING.
GLAD TO HEAR IT 'CAUSE YOU GOT A BIGGER PROBLEM.
YOUR OIL? YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT? IT'S UNDER THE GRAVEYARD.
HI THERE.
HEY.
JESUS, THIS PLACE GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
OOH, BABY, YOU LOOK SO GOOD, I CAN'T KEEP MY HANDS OFF YOU.
JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER.
THEY'RE ABOUT READY TO BITE.
YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WAITRESS BACK THERE WAS PRETTIER THAN ME, DID YOU? WHAT WAITRESS? I ONLY GOT EYES FOR YOU, DARLIN'.
MMM.
OH, I HOPE SO.
DID YOU RIG THE PHONY OIL? SURE DID.
IT'S BUBBLING.
THAT'S A SEEPAGE HOLE, ALL RIGHT.
A WHAT? WELL, IT'S YOUR DAMN SUBSURFACE GAS PROPELLING THE CRUDE OIL UP THROUGH THE FISSURE OF LEAST RESISTANCE IN THE CUTANEAL DERMAL CRUST.
SHEESH.
HE MEANS IT'S SORT OF LIKE FARTIN' IN THE BATHTUB.
OH, I GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT.
SO, UH, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW? THE CEMETERY'S OWNED BY THE CITY.
OH, WELL, UH UH, I THINK WE OUGHT TO SET UP A CORPORATION AND SELL STOCK TO THOSE IN TOWN WHO MIGHT BE INTERESTED.
ARE YOU HIGH? FUCK THAT! RIGHT, DADDY? HE'S RIGHT, SPIDER.
WE'VE GOT TO PROTECT OUR INVESTMENT.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M STANDING HERE WITH THE REGAL HEADS OF THE INDUSTRY AND THEY CAN'T COME UP WITH SOME SORT OF SIMPLE SOLUTION? WE'LL--WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.
WELL, YOU DO THAT.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, BOYS, I WANT MY MONEY.
YOU'LL GET YOUR MONEY.
JUST SHOW UP AT THE LEGION AT CLOSING TIME.
LET'S HOPE SO, OR ELSE THIS IS WHOLE DAMN THING IS GONNA BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE.
IT AIN'T VERY PRETTY, IS IT? BUT THAT DAMN STUFF THERE WILL DRIVE A MAN CRAZIER THAN HELL.
WE CLOSE IN 15 MINUTES, BUT, UH I CAN STAY AROUND LATER, IF YOU'D LIKE.
WHAT'S TAKING THEM SO LONG? RELAX, BABY.
THEY'LL BE HERE.
HERE IT IS.
I'LL TAKE THAT.
WHAT'S GOING ON? CHANGE OF PLANS.
WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT? I'M CALLING BAY VISTA OIL RIGHT NOW! SIT DOWN THE MONEY'S STILL YOURS IF YOUR LADY FRIEND DOES US A LITTLE FAVOR.
OH, SCREW THAT.
SHUT UP, JERRY.
SIT DOWN.
WHAT'S THE FAVOR? YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THE CEMETERY.
YEAH, WE CAN'T MOVE ON THAT PROPERTY WITHOUT CREATING SUSPICION.
WE'VE GOT TO BUY ALL THE SURROUNDING FARMLAND.
WE FORECLOSED ON IT TWO MONTHS AGO.
THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.
AND THE BAD? WE GOT TO BUY ALL OF IT JUST TO HAVE SAFE OIL RIGHTS.
OR YOU GONNA HAVE TO BUY IT.
I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY.
NO, BUT WE DO.
YOU JUST HAVE TO COME UP WITH YOUR FIFTH.
AND WE'LL SUPPLY THE REST.
AND BECOME MY SILENT PARTNERS? YOU GOT IT.
VERY CLEVER.
HOW MUCH DO I NEED? OH, COME ON! YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY CONSIDERING THIS? HOW MUCH? GIVE ME ROUND NUMBERS.
I'M IN.
GOOD.
I STILL THINK WE SHOULD BLOW TOWN TONIGHT WITH THE 20 THOU, FORGET THE 280 PLUS.
AND YOU NEVER, NEVER SHOULD PUT YOUR OWN STASH ON THE LINE, HUH? TOO LATE FOR THAT, BABY.
I ALREADY WIRED FOR THE MONEY.
SHRUG, THE GUY IN THE SUIT, WELL, HE'S GOT EVERYBODY'S CASH IN A SAFE DEPOSIT BOX AT THE BANK.
YOU'RE GETTING GREEDY, YOU KNOW THAT? JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF.
LISTEN, BABY, I UNDERSTAND IF YOU'RE EXPERIENCING SOME KIND OF PROFESSIONAL JEALOUSY HERE.
OH, YOU GO TO HELL, BITCH! THAT'S CLEVER.
THE "B" WORD.
LISTEN HERE, I'VE FORGOTTEN MORE ABOUT THIS SHIT THAN YOU'RE EVER GONNA KNOW! OH, REALLY? WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE THROWING AROUND CLICHES, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? "IT TAKES MONEY TO MAKE MONEY.
" OR THIS ONE-- "YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.
" BOY, WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT YOU TURNED OUT TO BE.
I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE AND TAKE THIS GUFF FROM YOU.
WAIT A MINUTE, BABY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M SORRY.
BABY, I'M SORRY! PLEASE! GO TO HELL.
PROMISE ME YOU'LL BE THERE TOMORROW! WHERE IS HE? HE'S IN HERE.
BASTARD.
I OUGHT TO KILL YOU! EASY, EASY! YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL CUTE, DON'T YOU? WHERE'S THE MONEY? WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU STASH THE MONEY? SHUT UP! YOUR BOY JERRY BROKE INTO WILLIAM'S HOUSE AND TOOK HIM TO THE BANK BY GUNPOINT.
HE CLEANED US OUT.
THEN CARTIE SAW YOU AND HIM FIGHTING LAST NIGHT.
WHAT WAS THIS? WAS THIS SOME KIND OF A OF A LOVERS' QUARREL? SPYING? WELL, LET'S JUST SAY I WAS DRIVING BY.
OK, SO WE HAD A FEW WORDS.
SO WHAT? WELL, WHEN HE WAS FINALLY-- FINALLY GOT UNTIED AND HE CALLED OLD SPIDER, CARTIE.
BOY, HE WAS IN LUCK.
THEY KNEW RIGHT WHERE TO FIND HIM.
THAT OLD CUT-LASS OF HIS WAS SITTING RIGHT IN THE YARD OF JO OSBORNE'S HOUSE.
THEY FOUND IT DOWN THERE THIS MORNING ABOUT 5:30! JO OSBORNE.
WHO'S HE? TELL YOU THE TRUTH, MA'AM, IT AIN'T NO "HE.
" IT'S A SHE! JO OSBORNE'S THAT WHITE TRASH SLUT THAT WORKS THE BAR OVER AT THE LEGION.
IT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET TO WORK.
HEY.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT? IN CASE YOU GENTLEMEN ARE WONDERING, THIS IS A HIGHLY CORROSIVE ACID THAT VETERANS IN THE OIL BUSINESS, LIKE MYSELF FIND TO BE QUITE HELPFUL IN TESTING ORE SAMPLES.
YOU WERE SAYING, MR.
PETERMAYER? THERE'S NOT THAT MUCH LEFT TO TELL.
OLD SPIDER AND CARTIE, THEY--THEY SURPRISED HIM.
THEY SUBDUED HIM! THEY TIED HIM UP! THEY LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR THAT MONEY.
HE HID THAT MONEY.
HE HID THE MONEY! MR.
PETERMAYER, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ANYTHING OUT, ARE YOU? NO, MA'AM.
IS HE LEAVING ANYTHING OUT, JERRY? UH, UH, NO.
WHERE'S THE MONEY? THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE, JER.
NOW, LOOK.
IS THIS REALLY NECESSAR-- STAY OUT OF THIS, SHRUG.
THE DETAILS, PETERMAYER.
I WANT YOU TO TELL THEM TO ME.
WHERE DID THEY FIND THE TWO OF THEM? IN WHAT ROOM? IN THE BEDROOM.
LAST CHANCE, JER.
YOU CAN KISS MY ASS.
WHERE IN THE BEDROOM, CONRAD? IN THE BED! THEY WERE TOGETHER IN THE BED! AND IT WAS FAN-FUCKIN'-TASTIC.
YOU ASSHOLE.
YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM.
WELL, GRAB A BOX! LET'S BURY HIM.
WE GOT A LOT OF LOOKIN' TO DO BEFORE IT GETS DARK.
IT WORKED LIKE A DREAM! OH, BABY, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THEIR FACES WHEN I STUCK YOU WITH THAT VOODOO JUICE.
THEY BOUGHT THE WHOLE THING-- THE BUNGLED ROBBERY, THE JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND, THE ACID, EVERYTHING! GET ME OUTTA HERE! I'M TRYING, BABY.
I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.
WELL, MAYBE YOUR BEST JUST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH, LITTLE LADY.
SEE, THIS HERE'S THE BIG LEAGUES.
CARL! YEAH, BABY.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND! IF YOU'RE UP THERE, THEN AAAH! WHAT'S HAPPENIN', BA-A-A-A-A-BY? HEH HEH HEH.
WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY, GINA? THE OIL SURVEYOR IS A 3-MAN CON.
DAMN IT, CARL! WHERE'S THE MONEY?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HE WAS IN ON THIS? BECAUSE, LIKE HE SAID, THE OIL SURVEYOR'S A 3- MAN CON.
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, GINA.
BLANKS.
JUST LIKE BEFORE.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE KEPT MOUTHING OFF ABOUT THAT FINANCIAL WIZARDRY OF YOURS.
WASN'T SMART.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE WAVING A PIECE OF RAW MEAT IN FRONT OF A HUNGRY DOG.
RIGHT, BOYS? RUFF! THAT'S MY MONEY, LARRY.
NOT ANYMORE.
BELONGS TO US NOW.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE REST OF THE CHARTER MEMBERS OF THE HE-MAN, BIG MOUTH, FAT, WRINKLY-ASSED, FEMINIST HATERS CLUB.
EACH TAKING GREAT PRIDE IN SWINDLING YOU OUT OF YOUR LIFE SAVINGS.
BOYS, GINA.
GINA, THE BOYS.
HI, GINA! HI, GINA.
HA HA HA HA.
SORRY, BABY.
GAME OVER.
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, THAT NIGHT IN THE GRAVEYARD, YOU WERE ALL RIGHT FOR AN OLD BROAD.
GET OUT OF THAT HOLE, CARTIE.
DAMN IT, CARTIE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? SHIT! WHAT IS THAT STUFF? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? IT'S OIL! IT SURE AS HELL IS.
HOLY SHIT! THERE REALLY IS OIL UNDER THIS GRAVEYARD.
THE GROUND IS DRIPPING WITH IT.
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
THAT YOU CAN COUNT ON.
REMEMBER ONE THING, GENTLEMEN.
"HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.
" AND TODAY-- TODAY HAS BEEN A REAL BITCH.
OH, SHIT! TODAY HAS BEEN A REAL BITCH.
OH, SHIT! LOOKS LIKE BUSINESS IS REALLY BOOMING FOR CARL AND GINA.
TALK ABOUT FLAME AND FORTUNE! YOU KNOW, KIDDIES, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THIS LITTLE TALE THAT INTERESTS ME.
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
I THINK IT'S THIS ACTOR.
HMM.
YES.
THE OTHERS ARE GOOD, BUT THIS ONE-- WE'RE TALKING A REAL BLEEDING MAN TYPE.
HE'S A REGULAR GORY COOPER.
A ROBERT DEAD-FORD! AND THAT VOICE! I COULD SWEAR IT REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE I KNOW
WHAT DO YOU KNOW? PAR FOR THE CORPSE! IS THIS FUN OR WHAT? OH, HELLO, KIDDIES.
DON'T MIND ME IF I'M CARRION ON, BUT I'VE REALLY GROAN TO LOVE THIS GAME.
I COULD GHOUL ALL NIGHT! WHICH BRINGS TO MIND TONIGHT'S TERROR TALE.
IT'S ABOUT A COUPLE OF GAME PLAYERS WHO ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T SLAY BY THE RULES.
I CALL IT OIL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.
OIL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL BABY, YOU ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SEATBELT, RIGHT, EVEN WHEN I'M NOT AROUND? OHH! EVEN WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND.
YOU SURE? YOU NEVER FORGET? IT'S JUST THAT I WORRY ABOUT YOU.
AND YOU EXERCISE, RIGHT, BABY? YOU DO SOME SORT OF AEROBICS I DO ENOUGH.
UHH! BUT, BABY GINA, DARLING, YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS! I MEAN, HELL, WE PORKED ONCE.
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE WE'RE ENGAGED OR SOMETHIN'.
I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.
WHAT IF YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK OR SOMETHIN'? OH, I AM NOT GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK, ALL RIGHT? I'M NOT.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU DRIVE ME TO IT.
OK, BUT HAVE YOU BEEN PLANNING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT? DO YOU HAVE AN I.
R.
A.
? WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON UP THERE?! GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE! HUH! TAKIN' A HIT OF THAT VOODOO JUICE AND PRETENDING TO BE DEAD IS ONE THING, BUT IF I HAD TO LISTEN TO THAT GOO-GOO TALK FOR ONE MORE SECOND, I WAS GONNA KICK IT FOR REAL! THERE YOU GO, BUDDY BOY.
JUST LIKE CLOCKWORK.
HA HA.
AND YOU, PUT A SOCK IN THAT LOVE TALK.
WHERE ARE HER FRIGGIN' CLOTHES? I'M BURIED 6 FEET UNDER AND YOU'RE INTRODUCING THE BEARDED CLAM TO THE ONE-EYED WORM? SHOVE IT, LARRY.
IT JUST SORT OF HAPPENED.
OK.
I SEE.
IF YOU WANT TO GO ON PRETENDING THAT THIS MORON WANTS YOUR TIRED ASS, AND HE WANTS TO GO ON PRETENDING HE CAN JUST HUMP GRANDMA MOSES, I DON'T CARE.
BUT WHEN I'M IN THAT BOX, YOU BETTER BE CONCENTRATED OR I'LL COME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND I'LL SHIT DOWN YOUR FUCKIN' THROAT! YOU GOT THAT, YOU FLEA-BITTEN HOSE BAG? DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT I JUST DON'T THINK THAT'S ANY WAY TO TALK TO A LADY WHO GIVES GREAT HEAD.
OH, BABY.
YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DRIVE INTO VEGAS AND DO A LITTLE CELEBRATIN'? UH-UH, BABY.
I GOT THIS MONEY EARMARKED FOR A KICK-ASS MUTUAL FUND.
WHAT? COME ON, YOU'RE SHITTIN' ME, RIGHT? I GOT ALL MY MONEY IN IT-- $82,000, EARNING 19% ON EVERY PENNY.
AND DON'T LET ANYBODY BULLSHIT YOU, BABY.
YOU GOTTA MAKE YOUR MONEY WORK FOR YA.
AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST ANOTHER PRETTY LITTLE THING WITH BIG TITS AND BLUE EYES.
I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU MET ME I WAS WORTH KILLING FOR.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THIS IS THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.
BUT, UH, ARE YOU SURE YOU AIN'T INTERESTED IN JUST AN ITSY BIT OF BLACKJACK? VEGAS IS FOR CHUMPS.
I SAY WE GET RIGHT BACK TO WORK.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
BACK TO WORK IT IS.
AND I KNOW A PLACE A FEW COUNTIES OVER THAT SHOULD BE READY FOR BUSINESS.
SURE IS YOUR NIGHT.
AW, THANK YOU KINDLY, JO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE AN ANGEL.
WHEN YOU GONNA SPREAD THEM WINGS, HONEY BUTT? HEY! DIDN'T YOUR DADDY EVER TEACH YOU HOW TO RESPECT A LADY? BEING HIS FATHER, I MIGHT TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT, DARLIN'.
I TAUGHT MY BOY GOOD.
AND I DON'T WANT PEOPLE THINKIN' OTHERWISE.
SO YOU JUST GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
AND WHEN YOU SHOW US A LADY, WE'LL SHOW HER SOME RESPECT.
HE JUST WANTED TO GET A LITTLE TASTE! WHOA.
WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE? WELCOME, FRIEND.
SAME TO YOU, SKINNY.
ANOTHER ROUND FOR THE HOUSE AND A BOTTLE OF JIM BEAM ON THE BAR FOR ME.
I'M BUYING, SO KEEP 'EM COMIN'.
YOU GOT IT.
HEY, NOW, PRETTY LADY.
SHOVE IT IN YOUR PANTS, HONEY.
THERE AIN'T NO CHANCE.
LESBIAN.
UMPH! HOH! COME HERE! I'M NO LESBIAN, HONEY.
I DON'T MUNCH CARPET AND I DON'T STRAP IT ON.
BUT I DO HATE MEN.
AND RIGHT NOW, I HATE 'EM IN A BIG WAY.
AHEM.
AHEM.
WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'? UH--UH--UH--UH, GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
DOESN'T LOOK FULL TO ME, HONEY.
SIT DOWN.
WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THIS? IF THE GUY WANTS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, LET HIM GO, BITCH.
THERE WE GO! THAT'S THE WORD I HATE.
BITCH! I SHOW A LITTLE AUTHORITY, I STRESS MY WILL A LITTLE BIT, AND I'M A BITCH.
MEN.
YOU'RE ALL THE SAME.
YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE GUYS I WORK FOR.
THEY WANT ME TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND DO A GOOD JOB.
AND AS LONG AS I DO IT LIKE A GOOD LITTLE GIRL, THEY CAN SCREW ME ALL OVER AND TELL ME TO LIKE IT! AND THEN WHEN THE DAY IS DONE, THEY CAN STOP SCREWIN' ME SO THEY CAN FUCK ME! WHOO! WELL, I SAY SCREW THAT.
SCREW THEM.
SCREW THE COMPANY.
UH, EXCUSE ME, PLEASE, MA'AM, BUT JUST EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS ARE YOU IN? OIL, BUBBA.
BUBBA? THE DISCOVERY AND DISTRIBUTION OF BLACK CRUDE.
Bubba? DAMN IT! I KNEW I'D FIND YOU HERE.
YOU NEED TO GET ON THE PHONE WITH LESTER AND MALCOLM, PRONTO! HEH HA! I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S DEEP, BUT IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE WE'VE FOUND WHAT? FOUND WHAT, JERRY? OIL? I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU IN PRIVATE, MS.
STONE.
HE'S FOUND OIL, BOYS.
HE HAS FOUND OIL.
OIL? VERY OBSERVANT.
YOU'RE SMARTER THAN YOU LOOK.
ON WHOSE PROPERTY? MAYBE ONE OF THESE BRIGHT YOUNG MEN HAS HIT THE JACKPOT? WHO'S THE WINNER? WHO'S THE LUCKY WINNER? NOBODY.
THAT'S A LIE.
LOOK, UH I DON'T THINK THE COMPANY WOULD APPRECIATE THIS BREACH OF CONFIDENTIALITY, MS.
STONE.
FUCK 'EM JERRY.
I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.
WE'RE LEAVING.
I THINK THE LADY WANTS TO STAY.
WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE, JERRY? WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO SELL OUT THOSE BASTARDS AT BAY VISTA OIL? LOOK, I JUST CAN'T DO THIS.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST-- IT'S JUST NOT THAT EASY.
WHY NOT? I GOT 5 GRAND.
I'LL GO BACK TO THE MOTEL AND GET IT.
TO HOLD BACK THAT REPORT UNTIL WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT WITH THE LANDOWNERS.
$5,000 TO LOSE MY JOB? I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE GOT $5,000.
I WANNA BE A PARTNER.
ME, TOO! THAT MAKES 15.
I CAN GIVE I GOT 5 MORE.
THAT'S $25,000, JERRY, TO HOLD UP THAT REPORT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? OK.
FOR $25,000, I'LL HOLD BACK MY REPORT FOR ONE WEEK.
BUT I WANT THAT MONEY IN MY HANDS TONIGHT.
DONE DEAL! YEAH! HA HA HA! OIL! WHY, THANK YOU, DARLING.
GLAD TO HEAR IT 'CAUSE YOU GOT A BIGGER PROBLEM.
YOUR OIL? YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT? IT'S UNDER THE GRAVEYARD.
HI THERE.
HEY.
JESUS, THIS PLACE GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
OOH, BABY, YOU LOOK SO GOOD, I CAN'T KEEP MY HANDS OFF YOU.
JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER.
THEY'RE ABOUT READY TO BITE.
YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WAITRESS BACK THERE WAS PRETTIER THAN ME, DID YOU? WHAT WAITRESS? I ONLY GOT EYES FOR YOU, DARLIN'.
MMM.
OH, I HOPE SO.
DID YOU RIG THE PHONY OIL? SURE DID.
IT'S BUBBLING.
THAT'S A SEEPAGE HOLE, ALL RIGHT.
A WHAT? WELL, IT'S YOUR DAMN SUBSURFACE GAS PROPELLING THE CRUDE OIL UP THROUGH THE FISSURE OF LEAST RESISTANCE IN THE CUTANEAL DERMAL CRUST.
SHEESH.
HE MEANS IT'S SORT OF LIKE FARTIN' IN THE BATHTUB.
OH, I GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT.
SO, UH, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW? THE CEMETERY'S OWNED BY THE CITY.
OH, WELL, UH UH, I THINK WE OUGHT TO SET UP A CORPORATION AND SELL STOCK TO THOSE IN TOWN WHO MIGHT BE INTERESTED.
ARE YOU HIGH? FUCK THAT! RIGHT, DADDY? HE'S RIGHT, SPIDER.
WE'VE GOT TO PROTECT OUR INVESTMENT.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M STANDING HERE WITH THE REGAL HEADS OF THE INDUSTRY AND THEY CAN'T COME UP WITH SOME SORT OF SIMPLE SOLUTION? WE'LL--WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.
WELL, YOU DO THAT.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, BOYS, I WANT MY MONEY.
YOU'LL GET YOUR MONEY.
JUST SHOW UP AT THE LEGION AT CLOSING TIME.
LET'S HOPE SO, OR ELSE THIS IS WHOLE DAMN THING IS GONNA BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE.
IT AIN'T VERY PRETTY, IS IT? BUT THAT DAMN STUFF THERE WILL DRIVE A MAN CRAZIER THAN HELL.
WE CLOSE IN 15 MINUTES, BUT, UH I CAN STAY AROUND LATER, IF YOU'D LIKE.
WHAT'S TAKING THEM SO LONG? RELAX, BABY.
THEY'LL BE HERE.
HERE IT IS.
I'LL TAKE THAT.
WHAT'S GOING ON? CHANGE OF PLANS.
WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT? I'M CALLING BAY VISTA OIL RIGHT NOW! SIT DOWN THE MONEY'S STILL YOURS IF YOUR LADY FRIEND DOES US A LITTLE FAVOR.
OH, SCREW THAT.
SHUT UP, JERRY.
SIT DOWN.
WHAT'S THE FAVOR? YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THE CEMETERY.
YEAH, WE CAN'T MOVE ON THAT PROPERTY WITHOUT CREATING SUSPICION.
WE'VE GOT TO BUY ALL THE SURROUNDING FARMLAND.
WE FORECLOSED ON IT TWO MONTHS AGO.
THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.
AND THE BAD? WE GOT TO BUY ALL OF IT JUST TO HAVE SAFE OIL RIGHTS.
OR YOU GONNA HAVE TO BUY IT.
I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY.
NO, BUT WE DO.
YOU JUST HAVE TO COME UP WITH YOUR FIFTH.
AND WE'LL SUPPLY THE REST.
AND BECOME MY SILENT PARTNERS? YOU GOT IT.
VERY CLEVER.
HOW MUCH DO I NEED? OH, COME ON! YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY CONSIDERING THIS? HOW MUCH? GIVE ME ROUND NUMBERS.
I'M IN.
GOOD.
I STILL THINK WE SHOULD BLOW TOWN TONIGHT WITH THE 20 THOU, FORGET THE 280 PLUS.
AND YOU NEVER, NEVER SHOULD PUT YOUR OWN STASH ON THE LINE, HUH? TOO LATE FOR THAT, BABY.
I ALREADY WIRED FOR THE MONEY.
SHRUG, THE GUY IN THE SUIT, WELL, HE'S GOT EVERYBODY'S CASH IN A SAFE DEPOSIT BOX AT THE BANK.
YOU'RE GETTING GREEDY, YOU KNOW THAT? JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF.
LISTEN, BABY, I UNDERSTAND IF YOU'RE EXPERIENCING SOME KIND OF PROFESSIONAL JEALOUSY HERE.
OH, YOU GO TO HELL, BITCH! THAT'S CLEVER.
THE "B" WORD.
LISTEN HERE, I'VE FORGOTTEN MORE ABOUT THIS SHIT THAN YOU'RE EVER GONNA KNOW! OH, REALLY? WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE THROWING AROUND CLICHES, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? "IT TAKES MONEY TO MAKE MONEY.
" OR THIS ONE-- "YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.
" BOY, WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT YOU TURNED OUT TO BE.
I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE AND TAKE THIS GUFF FROM YOU.
WAIT A MINUTE, BABY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M SORRY.
BABY, I'M SORRY! PLEASE! GO TO HELL.
PROMISE ME YOU'LL BE THERE TOMORROW! WHERE IS HE? HE'S IN HERE.
BASTARD.
I OUGHT TO KILL YOU! EASY, EASY! YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL CUTE, DON'T YOU? WHERE'S THE MONEY? WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU STASH THE MONEY? SHUT UP! YOUR BOY JERRY BROKE INTO WILLIAM'S HOUSE AND TOOK HIM TO THE BANK BY GUNPOINT.
HE CLEANED US OUT.
THEN CARTIE SAW YOU AND HIM FIGHTING LAST NIGHT.
WHAT WAS THIS? WAS THIS SOME KIND OF A OF A LOVERS' QUARREL? SPYING? WELL, LET'S JUST SAY I WAS DRIVING BY.
OK, SO WE HAD A FEW WORDS.
SO WHAT? WELL, WHEN HE WAS FINALLY-- FINALLY GOT UNTIED AND HE CALLED OLD SPIDER, CARTIE.
BOY, HE WAS IN LUCK.
THEY KNEW RIGHT WHERE TO FIND HIM.
THAT OLD CUT-LASS OF HIS WAS SITTING RIGHT IN THE YARD OF JO OSBORNE'S HOUSE.
THEY FOUND IT DOWN THERE THIS MORNING ABOUT 5:30! JO OSBORNE.
WHO'S HE? TELL YOU THE TRUTH, MA'AM, IT AIN'T NO "HE.
" IT'S A SHE! JO OSBORNE'S THAT WHITE TRASH SLUT THAT WORKS THE BAR OVER AT THE LEGION.
IT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET TO WORK.
HEY.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT? IN CASE YOU GENTLEMEN ARE WONDERING, THIS IS A HIGHLY CORROSIVE ACID THAT VETERANS IN THE OIL BUSINESS, LIKE MYSELF FIND TO BE QUITE HELPFUL IN TESTING ORE SAMPLES.
YOU WERE SAYING, MR.
PETERMAYER? THERE'S NOT THAT MUCH LEFT TO TELL.
OLD SPIDER AND CARTIE, THEY--THEY SURPRISED HIM.
THEY SUBDUED HIM! THEY TIED HIM UP! THEY LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR THAT MONEY.
HE HID THAT MONEY.
HE HID THE MONEY! MR.
PETERMAYER, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ANYTHING OUT, ARE YOU? NO, MA'AM.
IS HE LEAVING ANYTHING OUT, JERRY? UH, UH, NO.
WHERE'S THE MONEY? THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE, JER.
NOW, LOOK.
IS THIS REALLY NECESSAR-- STAY OUT OF THIS, SHRUG.
THE DETAILS, PETERMAYER.
I WANT YOU TO TELL THEM TO ME.
WHERE DID THEY FIND THE TWO OF THEM? IN WHAT ROOM? IN THE BEDROOM.
LAST CHANCE, JER.
YOU CAN KISS MY ASS.
WHERE IN THE BEDROOM, CONRAD? IN THE BED! THEY WERE TOGETHER IN THE BED! AND IT WAS FAN-FUCKIN'-TASTIC.
YOU ASSHOLE.
YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM.
WELL, GRAB A BOX! LET'S BURY HIM.
WE GOT A LOT OF LOOKIN' TO DO BEFORE IT GETS DARK.
IT WORKED LIKE A DREAM! OH, BABY, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THEIR FACES WHEN I STUCK YOU WITH THAT VOODOO JUICE.
THEY BOUGHT THE WHOLE THING-- THE BUNGLED ROBBERY, THE JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND, THE ACID, EVERYTHING! GET ME OUTTA HERE! I'M TRYING, BABY.
I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.
WELL, MAYBE YOUR BEST JUST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH, LITTLE LADY.
SEE, THIS HERE'S THE BIG LEAGUES.
CARL! YEAH, BABY.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND! IF YOU'RE UP THERE, THEN AAAH! WHAT'S HAPPENIN', BA-A-A-A-A-BY? HEH HEH HEH.
WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY, GINA? THE OIL SURVEYOR IS A 3-MAN CON.
DAMN IT, CARL! WHERE'S THE MONEY?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HE WAS IN ON THIS? BECAUSE, LIKE HE SAID, THE OIL SURVEYOR'S A 3- MAN CON.
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, GINA.
BLANKS.
JUST LIKE BEFORE.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE KEPT MOUTHING OFF ABOUT THAT FINANCIAL WIZARDRY OF YOURS.
WASN'T SMART.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE WAVING A PIECE OF RAW MEAT IN FRONT OF A HUNGRY DOG.
RIGHT, BOYS? RUFF! THAT'S MY MONEY, LARRY.
NOT ANYMORE.
BELONGS TO US NOW.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE REST OF THE CHARTER MEMBERS OF THE HE-MAN, BIG MOUTH, FAT, WRINKLY-ASSED, FEMINIST HATERS CLUB.
EACH TAKING GREAT PRIDE IN SWINDLING YOU OUT OF YOUR LIFE SAVINGS.
BOYS, GINA.
GINA, THE BOYS.
HI, GINA! HI, GINA.
HA HA HA HA.
SORRY, BABY.
GAME OVER.
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, THAT NIGHT IN THE GRAVEYARD, YOU WERE ALL RIGHT FOR AN OLD BROAD.
GET OUT OF THAT HOLE, CARTIE.
DAMN IT, CARTIE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? SHIT! WHAT IS THAT STUFF? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? IT'S OIL! IT SURE AS HELL IS.
HOLY SHIT! THERE REALLY IS OIL UNDER THIS GRAVEYARD.
THE GROUND IS DRIPPING WITH IT.
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
THAT YOU CAN COUNT ON.
REMEMBER ONE THING, GENTLEMEN.
"HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.
" AND TODAY-- TODAY HAS BEEN A REAL BITCH.
OH, SHIT! TODAY HAS BEEN A REAL BITCH.
OH, SHIT! LOOKS LIKE BUSINESS IS REALLY BOOMING FOR CARL AND GINA.
TALK ABOUT FLAME AND FORTUNE! YOU KNOW, KIDDIES, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THIS LITTLE TALE THAT INTERESTS ME.
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
I THINK IT'S THIS ACTOR.
HMM.
YES.
THE OTHERS ARE GOOD, BUT THIS ONE-- WE'RE TALKING A REAL BLEEDING MAN TYPE.
HE'S A REGULAR GORY COOPER.
A ROBERT DEAD-FORD! AND THAT VOICE! I COULD SWEAR IT REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE I KNOW