The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s05e11 Episode Script

You know, Geoffrey, I do believe that of all the holidays Thanksgiving is my favorite.
Oh, the yams the cranberry sauce the pie and, of course, that big old Butterball.
Well, you are what you eat.
[LAUGHS.]
Did you just call me a big old Butterball? Nothing gets past you, sir.
Ha-ha-ha.
You know, if you're going to comment on my girth you could at least put some thought into it.
I beg your pardon, sir? Well, I mean there are just so many more interesting ways to say it.
I mean, you could be poetic.
His corpulent flesh rolls around his bones like a thick chocolate pudding.
Huh? [PHIL LAUGHS.]
Or scientific.
He is so huge that food comes to him from the gravitational pull alone.
Huh? Ha-ha-ha.
Or you could be quizzical.
Is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble? You could be ribald, ironic, vaudevillian, whatever.
But be creative.
You got that? Anything you say, sir.
WILL: Hey.
Hey, what's up? Oh, Uncle Phil.
Uh, that elephant that trampled all them people called, he want his butt back.
[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME.]
AUCTIONEER: Sold to number 378.
Oh, I just love auctions.
You wait for the auctioneer to say, "Going once, twice.
" Whatever the last bid was, you raise the paddle and double it.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Give me that.
- Let's see what's in the other room.
- I'll be there in a minute, sweetheart.
Ah Sit on this, Carlton.
My pleasure, Dad.
[BEEPER BEEPS.]
Who was that? What? Oh, um, you know, um that was my beeper.
Was it a girl? Oh, you know, um You know, it could be a girl or a guy or some mixture.
Mm-hm.
Oh, look.
Who would like to open the bid on the celebrity mystery box? Now, come on, folks.
Do I hear a hundred? You know who that is, don't you? It's Michael Jordan.
Aw, come on, ain't no Michael Jordan in that box.
No, really, he told me after my show on "Is Bald Sexy?" that he was gonna be auctioned as a prize.
Wow.
Hey, I'd love to meet Michael Jordan.
Why don't you just have him beep you? Look, is this beeper a problem? Do you want me to get rid of this beeper? If you want, just say the word and it's gone.
- Get rid of the beeper.
- What am I saying? What would that prove? This popular celebrity has a distinctive haircut is in top physical condition and is a real inspirational individual.
Sounds like Michael Jordan to me.
- Four hundred.
- Hey.
Thank you, sir, do I hear five? I'm the keeper of the paddle.
AUCTIONEER: I have six.
Do I hear seven? - Seven.
- Give me that back.
Seven.
Seven going once.
Just go back to your date.
Thank you, I have eight.
No, no, I said "date.
" Going once? Going twice? Sold to number 248.
[CROWD APPLAUDING.]
Will, I'm looking for a little clarity in our relationship.
- I need to know where we stand.
WILL: Lisa.
Baby, why do we need to define everything? Let stuff just flow naturally, you know? I just feel like we need to sit down and talk Baby, we can talk about this later.
I just purchased one of the greatest athletes in the history of athletics.
Okay, folks.
Here we go.
[CROWD APPLAUDING.]
Boy, Mike's really changed his looks since he started playing baseball.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
That's it, guys, the whole family up.
Come on, everybody.
Come on, Philip, keep up.
And reach.
Well done, Carlton.
Well done.
Keep going.
You know, so we're up in the auction, right? You know, my beeper go off.
She talking about, "You seeing other women.
" Well, are you seeing other women? No, man.
Well, then, get rid of your beeper.
Aw, please, man, getting rid of your beeper like getting yourself fixed.
Come on, guys, the family that works out together gets fit together.
Uh, Hilary.
Keep going.
Hilary, uh, why are you stopping? Excuse me, but I'm, like, starting to sweat.
[POWTER PANTING.]
Hilary, do you have a problem with me? Nothing personal but you're a talk show host, I'm a talk show host.
I mean, you don't see me skateboarding with Montel.
Uh, maybe this is enough for today.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
Thank you so much for coming by, Miss Powter.
Maybe we'll see you at the next auction.
Mr.
Banks, I know this was supposed to be a one-day thing but I feel such chemistry between the two of us.
I wanna stick around and help you reach your ideal weight.
Now, if ever there were a lifetime commitment Seven a.
m.
tomorrow.
Okay, in the morning.
- Uh Um Uh - Seven a.
m.
[GRUNTS.]
Should've given Hilary the paddle.
At least we'd be able to drive whatever she bought.
Philip, you know, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to lose a couple Fifty pounds.
PHIL: Well, maybe you're right.
A little exercise can't hurt.
- Tomorrow.
- Okay.
Tonight we eat fudge.
Hey, hey, you could kill somebody.
- Hi, Will.
- Hey, Lisa, what's up, baby? Hey, look if you wanna go out tonight, baby, it cannot happen.
I feel like I tried to snatch a cheeseburger from George Foreman.
[LAUGHS.]
That's okay.
I'm helping Dana set up a new apartment.
I wanted to stop by and bring you your jacket.
Oh, thank you.
- Hi.
LISA: Oh, Dana.
Dana, this is Will.
Will, this is Dana.
Don't mean to barge in, I was wondering if I could use your bathroom.
Oh, uh, yeah.
Cool.
It's, uh, right down the hall, on the right.
- Knock yourself out.
DANA: Thanks.
Please.
Heh, heh.
Who was that? That's Dana.
What's wrong with you? The Dana I was expecting would be sitting down on the toilet not standing up in front of it.
Will, he's just a friend.
Oh, oh, just a friend.
Well, just how friendly is this friend? Will, don't define everything.
Let things flow naturally, right? Where did you hear that crock of garbage? - Ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
- Well - Will, I'll see you later.
Will, what's going on? Oh, okay.
Oh, well, if she gonna be stepping out I ain't gonna be sitting up in the crib like some Silly Putty sucker.
You're going to your chicktionary? Let me see.
Carlton, you know the chicktionary rules.
Right.
Three feet back.
[TURNS PHONE ON.]
Well, Lisa ain't the only one who got friends.
Hey, Carlotta.
Hey, baby, you feeling friendly? WILL: Whoo.
Will, I don't know why you wanted to see Interview with the Vampire.
I get scared so easily.
Well, it wasn't about the movie for me.
I just wanted to see you jump.
Ha, ha.
- Girl, you got bounce.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Ha, ha.
You nasty boy.
Oh, how did you know? - Hey, listen, you want a soda or something? - Uh, sure.
Actually, you know, I was kind of surprised that you called me.
Rumor had it that you were off the market.
Oh, well, you know, I'm still hearing offers.
Heh.
You can, uh, think of tonight as an open house.
[SNIFFS.]
WILL: Mm.
Gee, your hair smells terrific.
Come here, you.
Oh, dear God! What is it? Are you okay? Uh No, no I was just I was just thinking about how they made Tom Cruise even whiter.
Heh.
You see, I told you about those scary movies.
You need to relax.
Why don't you let me help you, uh, relieve some of that tension? Oh, yeah.
Oh, God, don't! - Will.
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Will, do you have a problem? No.
No, sweetie, see Look, maybe I'll just come back when you can concentrate.
Listen, see It It Um Carlotta Baby.
Baby, listen.
I was just I was just playing around.
You see, schizoid is a character that I do.
Heh.
Wait till you get to meet love boy.
When he gets here, have him call me.
Carlotta.
Aghh! [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Uncle Phil.
- Mm? Oh, Will.
- I thought you were that Susan Powter.
- Oh.
- Yeah, well, we got the same barber.
- Uh, yeah.
[SIGHS.]
What's the matter, son? You seem down.
Well, something happened last night got me a little worried.
I was in the pool house.
- Oh, man, with this real, real fly honey, man.
- Mm-hm.
All systems were go and then they kind of went.
Don't worry about that, son.
Happens to the best of us.
And as you get older, it might even seem commonplace.
I mean, I didn't wanna do it.
I couldn't get Lisa off my mind.
Well, Will, obviously, you're thinking of Lisa differently.
One might even venture to say that you're falling in Da, da, da Don't go there.
Don't go there.
- I wouldn't say that.
- Oh, yeah.
No, no, I was just thinking about her, that's all.
Mm, I see.
But, you know, just hypothetically, you know You know, if I was falling You know How would I know? When I was going with your Aunt Vivian, I had a lot of nervous energy.
Ha, ha.
I used to get up every morning at dawn and run through the park.
You used to jog? That was a shortcut to the diner where she worked.
The one sure way that I could tell that I was in love was that You know those stupid, sappy love songs I used to make fun of, you know? Well, they started making sense.
I mean, this one really did it for me.
[SIGHS.]
[SINGING.]
I've got sunshine on a cloudy day When it's cold outside I've got the month of May I guess you'll say What can make me feel this way? My girl Talkin' 'bout - [SOBBING.]
All right, stop, Uncle Phil, stop.
- Oh.
Don't be ridiculous, Susan.
The whole family would love to go on a 10-mile jog.
[SNIFFS.]
Hold on.
I smell pepperoni on the premises.
You're busted, big guy.
I'll just go eat some celery.
Will, I am so surprised at you.
Standing around here watching your uncle dig himself into an early grave.
Yeah, you filthy stinking enabler.
Hey, look, wait a minute, I got other things on my mind right now.
I ain't got no time for buns of brass and brains of bricks.
He needs help.
You wouldn't talk that way if you walked just one mile in your uncle's shoes.
My uncle can't walk one mile in my uncle's shoes.
Listen, why don't you go haunt one of your big-boned friends? Big-boned? Okay, I'm gonna show you big-boned.
Looks like Lorena Bobbitt got to this suit, huh? [POWTER CHUCKLES.]
Let's just call this part of your family education kit because you know why? In every group, there's always an insensitive boob.
We must be lucky, we got two.
Ha, ha.
This dumb suit ain't gonna prove nothing.
I could wear this thing for a week.
Oh, really? Why don't you just go out for one day? Go out in public and see what it feels like to look like this.
Go ahead.
Pbbt.
Look, this thing will be a breeze.
[SINGING.]
Lady I'm your knight in shining armor And I love you You have made me what I am And I am yours Will, are you all right? - Yeah, why? - You were just singing "Lady" to a melon.
Oh, that's how I check them for ripeness.
Will, you've been acting really weird.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
That's funny? Y'all think that's funny? You think that's funny, huh? Whoo.
You ain't had no home training, that's what your problem is.
Whoo.
Potato chips? What about Susan Powter? Listen, I'm as health conscious as the next person but when she threw out the strawberry Pop-Tarts, she crossed the line.
Which reminds me, I'll be right back.
Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
I'm retaining water.
Well, well, look who's here, Lisa and friend.
LISA: Oh, we need paper towels and a can opener.
Is that fat guy following us? What fat guy? Come on.
Excuse me, is there some reason why you're following us? - Will? - Well, it ain't Fat Albert.
What are you doing? What am I doing? What are? Oh.
What am I doing? What are you doing? I don't believe you, girl.
I thought we had something real.
Here I am singing stupid love songs about you and thinking about you all the time.
Writing your name on every book I own.
And you stepping out on me in a grocery store.
You know how ridiculous that makes me look? Huh? Do you? Will, for the umpteenth time, I told you, Dana and I are just friends.
Oh, oh.
Well, let me tell you about your slimy little friend.
He's just trying to gain your confidence, so he'll know when you're most vulnerable.
And that's when he's gonna pounce on you like a cheetah on a rabbit.
And you believe that? Believe it? I've done it.
- Hey, man, you've got me all wrong.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Look here, dude this is between moi and her.
We don't need you.
I'm out of here, Lis.
- You just hold on a second.
- What? Hold on what? If you are gonna have a relationship with me you are gonna have to trust me.
The same way that I trust you not to date anybody else.
Oh, yeah, well, I did date somebody else.
- Oh, you did? - Yes, I did, last night.
One of my friends.
She was ready and willing to do anything I wanted to do.
Except we couldn't do what I wanted to do.
All I wanted to do was be with you.
- Oh, really? - Yes, really.
- And do you know why? - No, why? Because I love you.
What did you just say? I said I love you.
Baby.
CARLTON: So let's just say I wanted to do an exercise tape.
That would bring me, what, 10 million? Though, I wouldn't actually have to touch fat people, would I? Could they just be electronically morphed in later? Philip, as much as I'd like to hang around and help you reach your ideal weight, I can't.
I gotta go, because I can't stand being around you.
Ooh, you have such a grating personality.
That's my boy.
Ha-ha-ha.
Come on, everyone, tuna melts on me.
Come on.
- Hey, what's up, G? - Hey, Master William.
Guess what, Geoffrey.
We saw Lisa at the grocery store and Will used the L-word.
"Leather"? No, "love.
" Tomato, tomato.
That's right.
I'm telling you, I made the leap, man.
First time in my life, I'm a one-woman man.
Well, you know what you have to do? Repeat after me.
Repeat after me.
Sorry.
I accept this gift and all the responsibilities it carries.
I accept this gift and all the responsibilities it carries.
- I'll never betray it.
- I'll never betray it.
- I'll never abandon it.
- I'll never abandon it.
I will never reveal the secrets which it contains.
I will never reveal the secrets which it contains.
Hold out your hands.
Carlton I give you my chicktionary.
May it be as good to you as it has been to me.
I can feel it.
I can feel the power! Yes! Yes! ANNOUNCER: Y'all stay tuned for more Fresh Prince.