The League s05e11 Episode Script

You know what, Taco? I'm gonna get this.
I got a promotion, I'm riding a three-game winning streak.
I mean, you got to give yourself little treats every now and then, right? You know what? You're right.
We are two captains of industry.
We need to spoil ourselves once in a while.
You know what I could really use? Another sock.
- Man's got to have two, Taco.
- I'm gonna see if I can find one.
Uh, sir, there's a problem with your card.
There shouldn't be.
That's really I'm sorry.
Excuse me one second.
Hello? Hi, Mr.
"Eek-hart.
" This is Ann Marie from your credit card company.
This is Pete Eckhart.
Mr.
Eek-hart, I'm calling because we see a purchase here for $210 at a men's boutique.
That's because I am buying a $210 sweater from a men's boutique.
Really? You? Uh, I'll have you know this is not the first fine item that I've purchased.
Actually, I'm looking at your purchasing history, and I don't see anything close to a high-end store; I just see a lot of Old Navy, more Old Navy.
and lots of Jimmy Cheffo's Meatball Experience.
I like Jimmy Cheffo's Meatball Experience.
What's the problem? I'm just trying to look out for you.
Your economic profile has you listed as "working poor.
" I'll have you know I recently got a promotion, I am on a three-game winning streak in my league.
I mean, it's an eight-team league, but it's still very competitive considering - Are you yawning right now? - Sorry, what were you saying? Why don't you head over to Jimmy Cheffo's, get yourself a meatball sub and wake up? No, thank you.
I'm happy with the E coli that I have.
Okay, it should be good now.
Thanks.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I really like your sweater.
You know, I've been on a bit of a winning streak lately, and I thought I would splurge.
Well, I'd like to see your winning streak continue.
- You would? - I would.
- I'm Pete, by the way.
- Georgia.
Oh, Georgia.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Check it out.
- How do I look? - Where did you get that, Taco? Found it in a room back there.
There are no price tags on anything, so it's all free.
They also have a bunch of stun guns, but I have too many of those already.
- Good shopping with you, Pete.
- Yep.
How long were you planning on staying here tonight? Just long enough to miss dinner with my family, so that I can sit in front of the TV and eat dinner alone.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey Gonna be all right, sweetie? - Yeah.
- All right, go up and change.
Come down for dinner in a little bit, okay? What's wrong with her? Oh, she had a really rough basketball practice.
She said the coach is like a drill sergeant.
I think you should go talk to that coach.
I don't like her talking to them like that.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on, Kevin, go.
You do love arguing with lesbians.
Just 'cause she is a female basketball coach, you can't say that she's a lesbian.
- She is she's got to be.
- Hey, Ellie! - No, it's all right - Stop.
- Is your coach a lesbian? - Stop it! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- She can tell kids can tell.
- We don't talk about it.
- Yeah, it's a cultural unmentionable.
Really? Yeah, the way Asians are great at string instruments.
So I can't mention that NBA players universally cheat on their wives.
No, it is a cultural unmentionable.
It offends every Kardashian.
So I'm not allowed to talk about that Ethiopians are always parking attendants.
- No, you are not.
- That Israelis all deal cell phones.
- They do.
- No, but you can't talk about it, sweetie.
That Africans have very yellow eyes, or that eating dinner next to a table from Texas is unbearable.
- Of course.
- Not out loud.
- You know what, then? I'm going home.
- Great.
That was easy.
You have seriously violated the entire dating protocol.
What, by having sex with you before dinner instead of after? - Bingo! Yes.
- Mmm.
I now am under no obligation to buy you food.
You're going to starve.
Well, you know, next time, I'll try to get it right.
Speaking of getting it right, we should be sitting up at that nice table by the window.
I'm good here.
I'm just fine.
Oh, you're good, you like it here by the bathroom? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Okay, that means stomach problem, a coke habit, maybe? - Neither.
- Neither, hmm, okay.
I'm married.
To your job or to the sea? - No.
- Okay, all right.
Is, um is that going to be a problem? Why so glum, chums? It's the last weekend before playoffs.
Come on! Says the person who's already in the playoffs.
Yes! My team's up shit creek, and I need a win and some help.
- I'm in the same boat.
- Me, too.
I'm freaking out.
I'm losing my clear hair over this.
How will you know? Will you find clumps of nothing in the sink? - No, it's a real thing, okay? - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Okay, congratulations.
You got a job.
- That's good.
- No, just a fan.
- A fan? Fan of what? - Security.
Yeah, everyone's such a big fan of the Bears in this town.
Uh-uh, not this guy.
I love Security.
Wait, you think Security is an NFL team? See them out there on the field on Sunday? Man, they did such a good job.
What would the mascot of Security be? It's usually, like, a huge white man in a tiny lawn chair or a tiny black man in a huge collared shirt.
Go, Security! - Yeah.
- Go, Security All right, guys.
I got to bust out.
I got a date with the lady.
When do we get to meet this secretive lady you're keeping from us? Eh, whatever.
Have you crossed over the perv Rubicon into underage ladies? No.
No, it's nothing like that.
I just got involved with a married woman.
- Peter! - Oh Man, that's, uh that's that's wrong.
You shouldn't do that.
That hurts people.
Try that again like you're not in a hostage video.
You know what? It's disgusting, Pete.
Look, I'm not doing anything wrong.
I'm just not stopping her from doing wrong things to me which happen to feel great.
Hey, every girl that I've ever dated also was seeing somebody else, too.
I once got so drunk I married a married woman.
This is going to be so exciting for you, Pete.
I mean, sneaking around.
You're going to have to go incognito, you know, very cloak-and-dagger stuff.
- You know what you need? - Are you talking about hats? - Yes, I am.
You want some? - I don't want any.
Come on, ladies, hustle! That's pathetic.
Come on, move.
Listen, you don't dive for a loosball, you do push-ups.
Now, get on the floor.
Give me 20.
Come on What is that? Come on, what are you, a little girl? I think that's exactly what she is.
Ashley, get back in line.
No more bullshit.
Whoa, you're like a female Bobby Knight.
- Bobby Knight's a pussy.
- Okay.
I'm Kevin MacArthur.
I'm Ellie's father.
Why are you here? I think, uh I think Ellie's having a bit of a problem.
Yeah, I know she is.
What she's bringing is weak shit.
Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Weak shit? Look, that's a trick shot.
She get that weak shit from you? No, my shit is not weak.
My shit is strong.
Want to show me your "strong?" Drop down and give me 20 right now.
I'm not going to give you 20.
No.
- Get down! - All right, I'm a man Let's go! Let's go! I could probably give you two or three really good ones in a row, so Here we go.
- One.
- That's pathetic.
Tell your daughter no more weak shit.
She's got to lean in.
Coach Crowley, I'd like to file a complaint with how you've been treating Chloe lately.
What the hell is this, a PTA meeting? - Get on the floor! - Okay.
Come on, if you want to be in my gym, you got to sweat.
- This is insane.
- Own it.
Are you kidding? This is the third time I've been here to complain this week.
Why? It reminds me of the best parts about being in prison.
Come on, let's go! Yeah, I started making vodka in my basement toilet.
- Oh, my God.
- That's weak! Babe, I'm home.
How did it go, talking to Ellie's coach? Um, I got to be honest with you, I kind of think that she has a point.
I think that she's motivating these girls to become better athletes.
They need to lean in.
- Lean in? - Yeah, lean in.
"Lean in" is meaningless.
That is the white-collar version of "get 'er done," okay? No.
You got to get back over there and talk to her.
She is being too hard on them.
I mean, if you want me to talk to her again, I guess You know what, fine, I'll go over and talk to her.
- No, I'll talk to her again.
- Oh, my God, okay.
Ah, that's really great to see you guys on the same page in your marriage.
- How is married life for you, Peter? - It's incredibly frustrating right now.
I can't meet her here, I can't meet her there Sounds like you need a super-secret plan you know, follow her into her dress shop, wait until she goes into the dressing room, then you follow behind and you slam the door - You look at her - Okay, hold on a second.
- Andre, Andre - you cup her breasts - All right, enough! - Are you reading Danielle Steel again? Well, I haven't stopped.
You know, I like to complete an author.
She's got, like, 178 books! What's wrong about reading a book that can make you moist? I can't say "moist"? - No! - "Moist" is the classy "wet.
" You don't know - Stop! You know what? - Okay, fine.
Let me explain to you the modern-day affair.
It's about, she tells me she's going to the gym, I have to drive 50 minutes across town, through traffic, to get there.
- It's extremely complicated.
- Doesn't seem that complicated for her.
I don't think you are her first, Pete She didn't break the seal of adultery on you.
- You're not that special.
- Um, excuse me, you don't know her.
- Georgia is a very nice person - I'm sure she is She happens to be unhappy in her marriage, but she's promised me that I am the first man that she's ever slept with outside of her marriage.
Oh, and why is this so funny? Okay.
You know what, that is the female version of "Officer, I swear to God she looked 18.
" Enough, all right? I'm not gonna sit here and listen to this just 'cause you guys are jealous that I'm having a great time.
No, I'm sure she's telling you the truth.
She's not lying to you.
She's never lied to anyone except her husband, children, family, in-laws, everyone else she feels is sacred in her life.
Jesus Christ, Andre! - I have a proposition for you.
- Okay.
I live close to Georgia's gym, and I was thinking maybe you might want to use my place as your love nest.
Sure.
Also, what is the catch? Maybe a trade.
A trade? Well, let me see what you have in mind.
Okay, look, right after I traded to Jenny, Reggie Wayn got hurt.
My wide receiver corps sucks, all right? All right, well, I'll tell you what, I do have a pretty shitty stable of running backs, so if you get me Le'Veon Bell Wait.
I gave you my apartment.
Andre, it's not a trade unless you give me a player as well.
Yeah, but I did you a fav - Fine, what do you got? - I'll give you Jordy Nelson, - I'll give you Julio Jones - Julio Jo Isn't he on the I.
R.
? The designated I.
R.
, which means he will be coming back for your big playoff push, all right? - I don't know.
- Andre, this is such a win for you, okay? You get Jordy Nelson, you get the definitely-coming-back Julio Jones, and you get to be my adultery accomplice all for Le'Veon Bell? - Well, my friend, you have a deal.
- Nice! All right Oh, already shook on it.
All good.
Sucker.
Sucker.
Hey! No! Wait! Security! Help me! He's got my purse! Security! Whoo! Security number one! - Whoo! Go team! - What are you doing? Security! Security! Come on, you guys, move! - What did I tell you, huh? - Move, you little maggots, move! This is incredible I'm getting season tickets.
This is the best show in town.
What is this? You're sleepwalking.
Come on.
I don't know, I'm just not into the tshik-zilla thing.
Guess my type is more of just a tiny Latin woman who obliterates me.
What was that, guys? Yes! Sorry.
Wow.
I don't know, I just can't see beyond her wrath.
You I I just see beyond the jacket - What are you guys doing here? - You told me to talk to the coach.
You need to get low and move, like we practiced.
You didn't even listen to me.
Oh I get it.
"Lean in" is actually just about seeing Coach's cleavage, right? No.
I was defending her because I feel like she's motivating Ellie to become a better athlete; it's working.
Really? Has nothing to do with the fact that she's just a little bit hot? No, it's a lot bit because she's terrifying.
- I can't even look at you.
- She is terrifying.
She's, like, right out of a Saw movie.
- Pussies.
- Feel the burn.
Hey, babe.
I will see you in a couple of minutes, okay? Maybe in the lobby.
Hi.
Jenny MacArthur.
How are you? I was hoping I could talk to you about my daughter Listen, lady, make an appointment.
Oh, um, well, you know, I'm right here, so And she's having a really tough time, and I was just hoping we could talk.
Oh, okay, I see where your daughter learned to whine.
What? I thought she got her lack of sack from your husband, but she's got no sack because you've got no sack.
- Oh-ho.
I have sack.
- Oh, yeah? - I got a really big sack.
- Mm-hmm? Yeah, you have a big - Hairy lady's sack? - Okay, now she's my type.
Yeah.
In fact, I bet my sack is bigger than your sack, Coach.
Well, then sack up, Ms.
MacArthur.
I'm telling you, I got a full-on anger chub right now.
- Move over.
- Wind sprints.
Now.
- What? - Now! Go! - O O Okay.
- Come on, faster, let's go.
What is my wife doing? I believe she's showing us all her giant, hairy sack.
Stacking up, huh? Let's go, show me that sack.
This is my sack.
This is my big hairy lady sack.
Huh? Huh? Yeah! That's my sack.
Suck it! I'm about to show y'all what's inside my sack.
All right, well, I hope these terrible furnishings don't ruin the mood.
You know, I have to pick my daughter up in an hour I'm not worried about mood.
Oh, we're just we're going? I like it.
Let's just go for it.
The bedroom's right this way.
Bonjour.
Welcome to Cafe de la Andre.
- I've cooked up some huevos.
- Who is this guy? I'm the accomplice.
Nice to meet you, Georgia.
- How does he know my name? - I'm sorry.
Mrs.
Thompson.
Andre, you said I could use your "love nest.
" It's not a love nest when there's already another bird in it, do you understand? Yeah, but this bird is blind and deaf I won't hear a thing.
This is incredibly inappropriate.
I mean, what You made food? - What are we doing? - It's a little postcoital snack.
Look, I support what you guys are doing.
It's very European.
Europeans are liberal, they're not creepy.
I know a lot of creepy Europeans.
- You should come to my squash club.
- All right, you need to go.
- Where do you want me to go? - Away! Out - Hey.
- Hi.
Andre, what the hell are they doing? I just realized, I kind of double-booked.
You double-booked? Yeah, they're coming over to see the Bulls game Great.
Hi.
and they were coming over to celebrate their love No! Guys, this is my Yah! This is my good friend - Georgia.
- Hi.
Hi.
Georgia.
Hi, friend.
Friend Jenny.
I'm also friends with him.
- Not that way.
- No.
Not in that way.
Uh, what do you do, Georgia? When I'm not using my marriage vows as toilet paper? You know, let's get out of here, let's go.
- We should probably go.
- No.
No.
No, no, no, no, stay, stay.
- I am sorry.
- Not gonna happen.
- All right, next Thursday? - Next time.
Okay.
Nice to meet you.
Wow, Pete, she is a real keeper.
Is what her husband must have thought when he pledged his life to her.
Thank you.
Andre, what the hell happened to the whole cloak-and-dagger thing? Well, I got the cloak.
I just forgot the dagger.
Andre, I need you to pick up some more condoms, please.
Oh.
You triple booked? - Him, I did not know about.
- Ooh, eggs.
The biggest shocker in this moment is that Taco uses condoms.
So, you're still sticking with the jacket thing? What can I say? I'm a die-hard fan.
You should see the guy at the bank he wears the whole outfit all day long.
Okay.
- Ooh, Good.
Phew! - Excuse me? - Oh, my God! - What are you doing? - Oh, my hair? - Yeah.
- It's a wig.
Yeah, it's a wig.
- No! Why does your wig look exactly like Pete's hair? Because it's light, it's breezy, it's fun.
Like a Nancy Meyers movie? Yeah.
You'd love to see this wig's kitchen.
I don't understand why you're wearing a wig.
Pete and I should both be wearing wigs, okay? He's out there having an affair with this married woman.
This husband could find him at any second, and me I'm an adultery accomplice.
- Who knows what's coming into my world? - No, that's not it.
- You just anted an excuse to buy a wig.
- I could grow this at any time.
Really? - Yes.
- Why don't you let it grow? I keep it tight like Jay Glazer.
Come on, you're as transparent as the clear hair that you don't have.
What is this shit? Trade rejected? I don't know.
I guess it just had the votes to get vetoed.
That was a completely fair trade.
How could you? - Jesus Christ, what are you? - What? Are you? - It's the real thing.
- I can't even deal with this right now.
- Quiet.
Who vetoed my trade? - I did.
- Why? - Because I don't like what you're doing? What? Stop.
I don't agree with what you've done to the sanctity of marriage.
- Because it's not right? - No, because it's not fair.
I mean, it's bad enough that you flaunt not being married in our face, but now you're peeing all over an actual marriage, so I've decided to take a thick, hot, dehydrated, yellow, ropey pee all over your trade.
This has nothing to do with fantasy football.
You guys are vetoing my relationship with Georgia.
- Stop it, Andre.
- Okay.
There is no space for morality in this league.
I'm out.
Pass the tissues.
We all got issues.
I really find Hair Andre less annoying.
You guys have to box out.
Get back.
That's just terrible! Come on, what is this?! Wow, she is erotically disapproving.
Goddamn it, knew I shouldn't have taken the over.
- What is the over? - Eight.
- Speaking of scores - Go on, take it in.
I am kicking your ass.
As long as Pete loses, I'm still in the playoffs.
Babe, they gave us the team photo.
Check this out.
Oh, my God! Yeah, looks like a basketball internment camp.
They're a bunch of hostages sitting there.
She's such a bitch! - That is full-on shtetl porn.
- Ladies, that's pathetic bullshit! You see how disapproving she looks? Goddamn it, I hate you all.
You're not my friends anymore.
- Oh.
- This is unbelievable.
I was not able to pick up Le'Veon Bell, so what do I have to do? I start Chris Ivory who gives me shit? Now, I will not go to the playoffs because you don't like that my girlfriend is married.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, shh.
I wouldn't speak too loud.
Mrs.
Thompson's over there with her husband.
I guess her daughter plays for the opposing team.
- Move, you little maggots! - Come on, what is this?! - Oh.
Hey, Georgia.
- Shh! - Taco, cut it out.
- Jesus Christ! All right.
- Don't don't look.
Don't look.
- Box out! - Get back on defense, guys.
- Oh.
Uh-oh.
We're just sitting here talking, and nothing is hap Uh-oh.
No, no, no.
He's looking at us.
Jenny, make out with me real quick, 'cause it'll look like we're together.
God, I'm not gonna make out with you.
Fine.
I'll jump on the grenade, Jenny.
Let's make out.
No, Taco, I'm not making out with you, either.
I mean, why don't you guys just make out with each other, right? He's not Hold on.
I'll tell you if he's looking.
- Where'd he go? - Joey, who are you guarding? - Do you know someone over there? - No.
We're gonna smile, and we're not gonna look.
- Come on, ladies, hustle.
- That's pathetic.
- Hello.
This is Tony Thompson.
- Hi, Mr.
Thompson.
This is Ann Marie from Fraud Early Warning.
There's been quite a few purchases on your account recently from Jimmy Cheffo's Meatball Experience, which makes us think that your card might have been compromised.
Jimmy? No.
Jimmy Cheffo's? I've never eaten at that dump.
Oh, well, it looks like your wife Georgia's name is also on the card.
Maybe she ate there without you.
You're telling me that my wife ate at Jimmy Cheffo's? Why would she do that? We're foodies.
We don't eat at places like that.
We could be watching High Life for all I know.
- Seriously.
It's crazy.
- Come on, move! - Cheffo, Cheffo, Cheffo.
- Oh, it's so good.
- Oh! - Son of a bitch.
You know, Tony, based on your purchasing history, she's very lucky to have you.
I have to go.
- Oh, shit.
- I can't believe you, Georgia.
Hey? Hey, scumbag! - Oh, shit.
- You, scumbag, you screwing my wife? You having a meatball experience with my wife? - Tony, just settle down.
- I'm not gonna settle down.
- Stand up.
- Security, security, stand up.
- Sit down, shit bag.
- Yup.
- You let's go.
- You know what? - We're gonna talk about this.
- Talk about this? - I don't think so, asshole.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Come back here, you chicken shit! - Wow.
This is so embarrassing.
- Your husband's a real dick.
- He is, isn't he? - That's an expensive-looking sandwich.
For the record, she made the first move! I don't give a shit! - Oh - Oh, God.
Hey Oh, Jesus.
You wanking in the closet to the team picture? Come on! I'm blocking the kids.
I'm just locked in on that coach's death stare.
- Where are you, asshole? - Shh! Stop! Stop! I can't! The jack train's left the station.
- Have some self-respect, Ruxin.
- Next stop is vinegar stroke Central.
- Stop it! - I can't! - Stop! - Too late! Oh, those clackers are really meaty.
They were meatier a minute ago.
Clean-up on Aisle Me.
Where'd you go, pussy? Yes.
Gonna make the playoffs.
Dick! Oh, shit.
I'm just the accomplice.
Hello? Hello? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Andre, what are you doing here? What? This is my bedroom.
What are you doing here? Having sex with a woman.
Maybe you should try it some time.
- Hey.
- By the way, I found this.
- What? - Get back in the kitchen where you belong.
- Make us some eggs, bitch.
- Wait a second.
- I could be your adultery accomplice.
- Over easy.
Benedict.
All right, this is great.
These are gonna be the best eggs - Just make it quick.
- Okay.
Oh, there's a steam shower function in the - Out! - Okay, got it.
Oils.