The Mindy Project s05e11 Episode Script
Dibs
1 [upbeat music.]
Thank you, Mindy, for letting me stay here and forcing me to wear matching pajamas with you and your infant son.
Those actually used to be Danny's.
You're the same size.
Mm.
But I should probably get dressed for work.
What? Sit that tiny butt down.
I already called in sick for you.
But I'm not sick.
My temperature is a normal 92.
1 degrees.
I've never wasted a sick day on actually being sick.
You're heartbroken.
You need to focus on what's important and nourish your soul.
I'll put Leo down for his nap and show you what I mean.
Welcome to the whackateria.
Interesting.
But just to be clear, is this pornography or a documentary about human trafficking? Good question.
Kind of both.
This is Sploders.
com.
It's the Willy Wonka Factory, but for perverts.
So, what's your sexual thing? They'll definitely have it.
Oh, no, nothing.
Just normal sex with men.
Anna, sweetheart, you are far too uptight to not have a kink, okay? You can tell me.
I'm not gonna judge.
Mine is biracial job interviews.
Hairy backs.
All right.
That's a good girl.
"Armenian restaurant owner breaks in new cook.
" This is a good one.
It is hot in kitchen.
Maybe I should take off shirt.
Mindy, didn't you say you had some laundry to fold? Oh, no oh.
Yeah.
Yes, I do.
- Horgash likes that.
- Ooh.
[hip-hop music.]
Doo-doo-doo it's a beautiful morning All right.
[ukulele music.]
Oh, God! Karen! What are you doing in here? Oh, hey, Morgan.
I changed your closet into a recording studio.
I hope you don't mind I moved your shirt and pant.
Hey! Why'd you stop playing, beautiful? I was really groovin' out there making our Fruity Pebs.
Morgan, is Karen not the sickest musician? I've heard better.
She's got such a unique voice.
It's like Carole King with real bad allergies.
- Mm-hmm.
- Actually, I don't even have that much vocal training, unless you count three years being a whale caller for the Alaskan Coast Guard.
Huh? Hey, um, I have a date with Dina, the lady who works at the cafeteria.
Dina? She's, like, a smoke show.
- Yeah.
- Are you sure you got a shot, man? She laughs at all my jokes.
And I'm not sure she understands what I'm saying - 'cause her English is so bad.
- Oh.
But it is on, so I would like to bring her back here tonight.
Ooh, no can do, buddy.
It's it's our three-week anniversary, so we're gonna go to fifth base.
It's a lesbian thing.
- Okay.
- Super important.
No.
No, no, no.
Good for you guys.
I support you as always.
I'm gonna see if Dina can reschedule.
Aw.
God, you're a good friend.
Thanks, bud.
- Big plans this weekend? - You know.
The usual.
GTL.
Like "Jersey Shore"? Gym, Tan, Laundry? Gin, Tonic, Lacework.
Hello, Jeremy.
I was at the coffee shop getting my morning hot water and I saw this scone would you like it? Thank you, Anna.
That's so considerate.
And people wonder why I always carry a small jar of currant jam on my person.
- Enjoy.
- Thanks, Anna.
Uh, did you just notice anything? Yes.
The Americans call this a scone, but it's neither dry nor mealy.
No, dummo.
Anna's into you.
No.
I mean, there was this one time where no, I mustn't speak of it.
What? You know all my secrets.
I told you my pin number.
It's [together.]
8-0-0-8 because it spells "BOOB.
" Okay, fine.
The night that Anna was staying at my apartment you know, when she left Tim she kissed me.
Oh, my God.
Why didn't you pounce? She's so hot.
She's like one of those girls that tried to drown me at camp.
She was intoxicated, and she'd just left Tim, and we work together.
Mindy, it would be inappropriate.
Inappropriate? Everyone here is inappropriate.
- That's true.
- You got to ask her out.
Hey, Dina.
Can we move our date? - [both giggling.]
- Shh! Having some roomie drama.
Damn, Karen, I had to get you alone because your shoulders look so sharp in that blouse.
Come here.
Oh, God! - I am so sorry.
- Hello? Hello? Ugh! - Hey.
- Hey.
Trying to make a sexy phone call.
I'm sorry.
I didn't even see you there.
It's just my bangs are getting so long.
You know, I got to say I had more privacy when I lived with my grandmother, and our toilet was in the kitchen.
Excuse me.
Get out of the way, please.
Whew.
I got to talk to you.
Do you have anyone in your life that is just so annoying.
I mean, they're just always up in your personal space, and they're not mean they're just so annoying! I know exactly what you're talking about.
- What do you do? - [clattering.]
What I do in this instance is I try to use body language that is clear and obvious to indicate that I want them to leave.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, but what if they just they don't understand subtle communication like me and you? Get out.
You are wasting my time.
I could try saying that to Karen, but I don't know how she's gonna take it.
- Morgan, get out.
- Okay, okay.
No, no, no.
Morgan, colon, dialogue, "Get out!" I get it.
Will it work? But you're right.
I've got to stand up for myself.
I'm gonna keep my date with Dina.
Get the hell out of here! Aah, I know! I can't believe I've got a hot date too! Ahh.
Oh, my God.
I got to go.
Can't just sit in here and gab with you all day.
I know you'd love that.
Yeah! Aah! So I told the TSA woman, if you're gonna pat down my breasts for this long, - I'd like to be paid.
- Excuse me, Jeremy.
I was hoping you could take a look at Mrs.
Suarez.
She wants a second opinion.
Her fetus doesn't like me.
Second opinion? I'm flattered.
People around here normally ignore my opinions.
Mrs.
Suarez is in the exam room when you're ready.
Now isn't she a breath of fresh air? Now that she's had a week to get over her marriage, I think I'm gonna ask her on a date.
She's the kind of woman mother would come down from the attic for.
Hm.
Hey, man, you need to get on this Anna thing fast.
A girl that hot does not stay single for long.
I can hear Leonardo DiCaprio turning his yacht around as we speak.
Ah, this is so stressful.
I haven't journalled through my feelings on the topic.
[exclaims.]
You know what? You're a loser, and you should stay single till you die, or you should marry your bird.
Yeah, as if that's legal.
Fine.
I like her.
I'm gonna ask her out.
I just as Jody's friend, I've got to tell him first.
Boo.
Male friendships are boring.
The only friendships worth thinking about are Gayle and Oprah or, like, a young African-American boy and his Jewish chess master.
Yeah, you've already told me that movie idea.
I love it.
Good luck! Well, hi, Jeremy.
Come on in.
I'm just popping in to let you know I'm gonna be asking Anna out on a date.
Okay, bye.
Oh, sweetie, no.
Maybe you misheard me.
I'm gonna be asking Anna out.
No.
I heard you.
It's just I also like Anna.
And I think she likes me too.
In fact, she kissed me the other day.
So? She kissed me too.
- What? - And also I called dibs, and you know the rules.
You can't call dibs on an adult woman like she's the last comfy chair at movie night.
Why don't you go find yourself another nice girl? As long as it's somebody I haven't already called dibs on, you're good to go.
Oh, I see.
I see.
I'm meant to let you do whatever the hell it is you like just because you're the alpha and I'm the beta.
Well, I wouldn't put it that way.
I'd say I'm the strong, decisive leader, and you're the sensitive musical one who looks up to me, the alpha.
Oh, did I go and say it? Just because my best friends are a piano and a bird doesn't make me the beta.
I'm asking Anna out, and I don't give a damn what you think.
Tamra, I haven't been on the social scene since I fell down the steps at the opera.
What would be an impressive first date for a woman that, you know, I really want to wow.
Now, this is a real woman and not like the time you got catfished - by a man with no arms and no legs.
- By a man with no arms and no legs.
No.
This is a real woman, Tamra.
First, take her to dinner at Helsinki.
It's that new ice restaurant that just opened up in Rhom-Tri.
- The rhombus under Tribeca.
- Okay.
Oh, and then take her to see that play where Jake Gyllenhaal just moves furniture around the stage.
- Furniture, Jake Gyllenhaal.
- If you do those two things, you know what the third thing you're gonna do is.
The apple crumble for dessert at Serendipity.
Scrumptious.
You might run into Dr.
K, 'cause I told him to do the same stuff with Anna on their first date tomorrow night.
Jody's already asked Anna out? He got her dad's permission and everything.
- [sighs.]
- Who are you asking out? Your partner from salsa class? Tamra, you know we have an odd number, and I am forced to dance with Instructor Carlos.
Hey, Anna.
Wanna prank call pizza places with me? I think you'd be really good at it.
I don't think so.
I have some paperwork I need to do tonight.
- Okay, well - [knocking at door.]
Hey, what are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought to myself, "Well, got some Prosecco "and some strawberries and clotted cream, "a jigsaw puzzle.
Why not pop in on my old mate Mindy?" - Huh? This is weird.
- That's not weird.
Just want to hang out with you, that's all.
And anyone else who happens to be here.
Oh, Leo.
I'm sorry, man.
I don't know how to tell you this, but he thinks you're lame.
Well, it's - [whispering.]
Oh, Anna? - Yes, you idiot.
Jody's taking her on a date tomorrow night, so time is of the essence.
Please just help me out.
Anna, guess who's here? It's Jeremy.
Oh, hello, Jeremy.
What are you doing here? Oh, this is totally normal.
He comes over all the time to watch movies.
- We eat snotted cream.
- Clotted cream.
But honestly, Jeremy, old chum, tonight I won't be able to join you because my bowels are rumblin'.
[whispers.]
Just say you're tired.
[grunting.]
I feel bad.
Ah, man, well, I'm gonna call it a night.
For your safety, do not go near the bathroom.
For God's sake.
Turn the fan on.
So, dare I pour us a snort of Prosecco? Oh, uh, okay.
But just a splash, because I really need to finish this paperwork tonight.
I hear you.
Work is important.
So, I warn you, this English clotted cream is somewhat clottier than what you're used to.
I wonder if Mindy has a cream caddy.
- This is my room.
- Big.
Yeah.
I got the top bunk.
- That's hot.
- Yeah, it is hot.
Do you do you want a boost? 'Cause I broke the ladder on Christmas morning I came down too - Yeah.
Sure, sure.
Push me up.
- Great, great, great.
[grunts.]
Got you.
Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
Oh, no.
Oh.
[grunts.]
Pull.
You are big man.
I brac-ed feet.
Just go.
Big man.
There we go.
Oh, my God.
Morgan, make sex to me.
Oh, your turtleneck it's so itchy.
Oh, oh, my God.
Hey, do me a favor.
Put on the hair net.
Put it on.
I got to see it.
- Oh, God! - [screams.]
- No, no, no, no, no! - Oh, no! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was just I was recording in there.
I think the microphone did pick up some kissing noises, so I am gonna need to get you to sign a release.
- Stop it.
- Oh, no.
I think I sprained my scooping hand.
I need for the scoop! I'm finished in the cafeteria.
They'll put me on the registers.
Oh, no, no.
Morgan, I don't want to see you again.
Stay out of my cafeteria.
From now on, you go to the Garden Street Cafe, level B1.
- I don't have panini money.
- Level B1.
I can't go.
I can't go.
Dina, Dina, Dina! Oh, my God.
Everywhere I go, Karen, you're there.
Work, home those are the only two places I go, but you're always there.
And I'm gonna say to you what I say to all the penguins at the zoo: "Go back to Alaska, you weirdos!" Time to dig into this puzzle.
Um, I actually I have some stuff I need to do.
Oh, but it's of the doors of Rochester, New York.
- My hometown? - Is it? Is it really? What a coincidence that my random choice should have some personal significance to you.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, so, the easiest way is finding the corners.
- Jeremy - It's actually easiest because they're in a very specific shape.
- I don't want to do this.
- They're in a rectangle, and we don't need to worry with these little knobbly bits.
- Jeremy, please put it away.
- And then we lay down the corners, and then [shouting.]
Please put the puzzle away.
I don't want to do this.
I misjudged it.
I'm so sorry.
My mistake.
Aah! [exhales.]
Oh, no, no, no, Anna, don't cry.
The puzzle's fine.
The puzzle's okay.
These papers took the brunt of it.
"State of New York divorce filing"? Oh, Anna, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
[sniffles.]
I'm sorry if I was short with you.
No, no.
Come on.
It's just I got to the part in the paperwork where I have to list Tim's transgressions, which hasn't been easy because there's been so many.
Maybe I could help.
No, I actually helped my mother with her divorce paperwork from father, and then later when she divorced Sheik Mahmoud.
Why don't you tell me what to write, and I'll write it down? - You would do that? - Of course.
You know, I actually became a doctor for the paperwork.
Heh.
[springs squeaking.]
Morgan! Hey! Whoa! No, no, no, no, no.
Hey! Hey! I got the sign up! Come on, man.
[grunts.]
Why did I get a text from my girlfriend saying she's not coming to our apartment anymore? Because she ruined my night of passion.
That is not passion.
Let me tell you something.
I got Dina back here.
Finally.
And we were getting in our underwear, and all of a sudden, Karen pops out of my closet like a ghost, and I fling Dina across the room.
You know how hard it is to get a woman to come back to your apartment when you live 85 stops off the subway.
I'm just gonna be real with you.
Your girlfriend's - really annoying.
- Mm.
Yeah, she's always running around this apartment practicing her yo-yo, and she hit one of my dogs in the eye, and he has to wear an eye patch.
Scooter looks like an idiot! - Scooter is an idiot! - You're an idiot! - Arg! It's clobbering time! - [grunts.]
[shouts.]
[both grunting.]
[shouting and grunting.]
[dogs barking.]
Stop.
Tap out.
Tap out.
Oh, oh! Okay, I can't afford steroids like you.
I won't put you in another headlock, but you got to listen to me.
Karen was the first girl I've liked in a really long time, and you messed it up.
[dogs whine.]
I'm going for a bike ride.
Colette, I Colette, I'm sorry.
Colette, come back here, please.
I'm sorry! Et tu, Scooter? [sighs.]
He cheated on me constantly.
He slept with the caterer during the father-daughter dance at our wedding.
I could hear his moans from the closet over Suga Suga's "How'd You Get So Fly.
" I'll just put "various infidelities.
" Thank you for helping me with this, Jeremy.
It really has made it a lot easier.
Well, you know, I like being here, even under the circumstances.
[pager beeping.]
Oh, it's the hospital.
I guess one of my patients went into labor early.
I really do appreciate the company tonight, Jeremy.
- Oh.
- Oh, and, um, if you wouldn't mind checking on Mindy I think she fell asleep on the toilet.
Right.
Dr.
Ziev is on her way.
What birthing suite would you like for us to prep? Oh, that won't be necessary.
But could you find me an ice bucket? Never mind.
I'll just fill a bedpan with ice from the morgue.
Uh, what are you doing on the floor of the scrub-in room? Well, I just couldn't wait for our date tomorrow, so I decided to throw you a spontaneous picnic.
I'm sorry.
Did you just take a photograph of me? I just want to document the moment.
Can I pour you some rosé? No.
I can't drink.
I got called in for a procedure.
Well, good news! I made that up to get you here.
Yay, romantic ruse! Would you like a water cracker? Are you out of your mind? I just called Stephanie Ruiz's husband in Afghanistan.
Oops.
But now that you're here, why don't you take a seat? This is insane.
And unhygienic.
Do you have any idea how much placenta must have been tracked on this floor? I took a wet wipe to it.
I'm leaving.
For one thing, I'm not comfortable with how close those candles are to that oxygen tank.
Oh, idiots.
How'd it go with Anna? You know, I think I laid some really good groundwork.
I was a great shoulder to cry on, very masculine, and also I took your advice and didn't once mention my harp lessons or sleeping gloves.
Oh, my God, Jeremy.
This might happen.
Oh, I'm gonna give the best speech at your wedding.
[phone buzzes.]
Ooh, you're blowing up.
Let's see who it is.
Mm.
Oh.
Never mind.
There's not gonna be a wedding.
I mean, unless it's between Anna and Jody.
- All is lost.
- What are you talking about? Oh, come on.
Hey, man, I'm really sorry.
But you know what? I'm not gonna go to their wedding.
But they're both really rich.
It'll be really fun.
You know what? I'm not gonna go to their brunch.
I never do.
I'm always too hungover.
Thanks? - Hey, Karen.
- Morgan! Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
I am so sorry about yesterday.
That was my second-worst coming out of the closet.
The third was telling my parents I was gay.
Wait.
I'm sorry.
You're apologizing to me? I wrote you a song on the ukulele to make up for it.
It's called "When Morgans Cry.
" How could I anger such a large man? Shh, shh, shh.
Stop, stop, stop.
I appreciate that gesture, and I know you're trying.
The singing is the core problem I'm having with you.
I know that I can be pretty irritating.
Do you know that I had to leave Alaska because I was so annoying? They sent me into Canada on a dog sled while I was asleep.
I have not always been this charismatic chick magnet - that stands before you.
- Really? You know what I've been called? Annoying.
They made a movie about me on Lifetime called "Unbearable: The Morgan Tookers Story.
" - Whoa.
- I've been called a lot of stuff: intolerable, bad storyteller, the worst thing ever on the Lifetime network.
My high school paid me $100 to not go to my ten-year reunion.
Maybe you and I have more in common than I thought.
And we've both been in Colette's pants.
- Oh.
- I'm wearing them right now.
- Oh! - Yeah.
I spilled one of the Mexican corns on my pants.
- Oh, yeah.
Uh-oh.
- Yeah, I know.
We got to make this work.
Okay.
I promise I'm gonna be real normal from now on.
You won't regret it.
There you go.
How could I anger such a large man? I'll give it back to you later on.
Oh, okay.
See you later.
[crashing.]
Oh.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
This is the downtown local.
Station stop is 72nd Street.
Stand clear of the closing doors, please.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Jeremy.
You know what? No.
It's it's not a good morning.
It's a bad morning! What you did yesterday was ungentlemanly and unsportsmanlike, and just just really shitty.
I liked Anna, Jody.
I really liked her.
And I am sick of only being allowed to date women that you've passed on.
Well, guess what.
From now on, I call dibs on everyone in this subway, everyone in the entire world.
On on on that one.
And on that one there.
And that Asian woman.
And on S.
Epatha Merkerson on that ad for "Chicago Med," which looks pretty good got to be honest.
And on her! I You know what? Good for you.
I was hoping this would happen.
You've finally stood up for yourself.
Now I can cancel my date with Anna tonight.
- Really? - You know this whole dating thing was just a trick to get you to stand up for yourself.
Oh, my God.
She rejected you, didn't she? No, no.
That is wrong.
I tricked her into thinking she rejected me.
She rejected you, and that must mean that she likes me.
But only because I wanted it.
Let's not forget I am the victorious party here.
She likes me.
Whoo! Aah! Good morning, Jeremy.
I just wanted to thank you for last night.
I was so emotional I snapped the handles off an elliptical machine.
I don't know what I would have done without you.
Anna, you don't need to say any more.
[sighs.]
I understand completely.
And I feel the same way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, my God.
- What are you doing? I'm so sorry.
It's just you rejected Jody, and I thought that maybe Oh, for Christ's sake.
- Oh.
- Come with me.
Everyone, I have an announcement.
I am currently going through a divorce.
This is not easy for me as a WASP.
I am not comfortable talking about love, money, lawyers, hardship basically anything besides the weather and a few select towns in Connecticut.
But for the record, I did not leave my cheating husband because I'm dying to date one of the tiny number of men in this office.
I disagree.
- I don't know your name.
- It's Morgan.
Homegirl, there's no use putting up a fight.
I gave the same exact speech, and then, against all laws of nature, ended up dating Morgan for two years.
He was terrible.
I disagree.
There's something very wrong with this office.
We don't all have to date each other just because we're in close proximity to one another, okay? Normal offices don't work like that.
So, please, don't hit on me and don't try to kiss me.
I won't like it.
Thank you for your time.
Hey, do you think that applies to women too? - No, mm-mm.
- Wow.
That was pretty embarrassing for the pair of us.
Let's never speak of it again.
Drink the memories away in your office? Way ahead of you, brother.
[clears throat.]
[whistling.]
[light instrumental music.]
Go to bed.
Thank you, Mindy, for letting me stay here and forcing me to wear matching pajamas with you and your infant son.
Those actually used to be Danny's.
You're the same size.
Mm.
But I should probably get dressed for work.
What? Sit that tiny butt down.
I already called in sick for you.
But I'm not sick.
My temperature is a normal 92.
1 degrees.
I've never wasted a sick day on actually being sick.
You're heartbroken.
You need to focus on what's important and nourish your soul.
I'll put Leo down for his nap and show you what I mean.
Welcome to the whackateria.
Interesting.
But just to be clear, is this pornography or a documentary about human trafficking? Good question.
Kind of both.
This is Sploders.
com.
It's the Willy Wonka Factory, but for perverts.
So, what's your sexual thing? They'll definitely have it.
Oh, no, nothing.
Just normal sex with men.
Anna, sweetheart, you are far too uptight to not have a kink, okay? You can tell me.
I'm not gonna judge.
Mine is biracial job interviews.
Hairy backs.
All right.
That's a good girl.
"Armenian restaurant owner breaks in new cook.
" This is a good one.
It is hot in kitchen.
Maybe I should take off shirt.
Mindy, didn't you say you had some laundry to fold? Oh, no oh.
Yeah.
Yes, I do.
- Horgash likes that.
- Ooh.
[hip-hop music.]
Doo-doo-doo it's a beautiful morning All right.
[ukulele music.]
Oh, God! Karen! What are you doing in here? Oh, hey, Morgan.
I changed your closet into a recording studio.
I hope you don't mind I moved your shirt and pant.
Hey! Why'd you stop playing, beautiful? I was really groovin' out there making our Fruity Pebs.
Morgan, is Karen not the sickest musician? I've heard better.
She's got such a unique voice.
It's like Carole King with real bad allergies.
- Mm-hmm.
- Actually, I don't even have that much vocal training, unless you count three years being a whale caller for the Alaskan Coast Guard.
Huh? Hey, um, I have a date with Dina, the lady who works at the cafeteria.
Dina? She's, like, a smoke show.
- Yeah.
- Are you sure you got a shot, man? She laughs at all my jokes.
And I'm not sure she understands what I'm saying - 'cause her English is so bad.
- Oh.
But it is on, so I would like to bring her back here tonight.
Ooh, no can do, buddy.
It's it's our three-week anniversary, so we're gonna go to fifth base.
It's a lesbian thing.
- Okay.
- Super important.
No.
No, no, no.
Good for you guys.
I support you as always.
I'm gonna see if Dina can reschedule.
Aw.
God, you're a good friend.
Thanks, bud.
- Big plans this weekend? - You know.
The usual.
GTL.
Like "Jersey Shore"? Gym, Tan, Laundry? Gin, Tonic, Lacework.
Hello, Jeremy.
I was at the coffee shop getting my morning hot water and I saw this scone would you like it? Thank you, Anna.
That's so considerate.
And people wonder why I always carry a small jar of currant jam on my person.
- Enjoy.
- Thanks, Anna.
Uh, did you just notice anything? Yes.
The Americans call this a scone, but it's neither dry nor mealy.
No, dummo.
Anna's into you.
No.
I mean, there was this one time where no, I mustn't speak of it.
What? You know all my secrets.
I told you my pin number.
It's [together.]
8-0-0-8 because it spells "BOOB.
" Okay, fine.
The night that Anna was staying at my apartment you know, when she left Tim she kissed me.
Oh, my God.
Why didn't you pounce? She's so hot.
She's like one of those girls that tried to drown me at camp.
She was intoxicated, and she'd just left Tim, and we work together.
Mindy, it would be inappropriate.
Inappropriate? Everyone here is inappropriate.
- That's true.
- You got to ask her out.
Hey, Dina.
Can we move our date? - [both giggling.]
- Shh! Having some roomie drama.
Damn, Karen, I had to get you alone because your shoulders look so sharp in that blouse.
Come here.
Oh, God! - I am so sorry.
- Hello? Hello? Ugh! - Hey.
- Hey.
Trying to make a sexy phone call.
I'm sorry.
I didn't even see you there.
It's just my bangs are getting so long.
You know, I got to say I had more privacy when I lived with my grandmother, and our toilet was in the kitchen.
Excuse me.
Get out of the way, please.
Whew.
I got to talk to you.
Do you have anyone in your life that is just so annoying.
I mean, they're just always up in your personal space, and they're not mean they're just so annoying! I know exactly what you're talking about.
- What do you do? - [clattering.]
What I do in this instance is I try to use body language that is clear and obvious to indicate that I want them to leave.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, but what if they just they don't understand subtle communication like me and you? Get out.
You are wasting my time.
I could try saying that to Karen, but I don't know how she's gonna take it.
- Morgan, get out.
- Okay, okay.
No, no, no.
Morgan, colon, dialogue, "Get out!" I get it.
Will it work? But you're right.
I've got to stand up for myself.
I'm gonna keep my date with Dina.
Get the hell out of here! Aah, I know! I can't believe I've got a hot date too! Ahh.
Oh, my God.
I got to go.
Can't just sit in here and gab with you all day.
I know you'd love that.
Yeah! Aah! So I told the TSA woman, if you're gonna pat down my breasts for this long, - I'd like to be paid.
- Excuse me, Jeremy.
I was hoping you could take a look at Mrs.
Suarez.
She wants a second opinion.
Her fetus doesn't like me.
Second opinion? I'm flattered.
People around here normally ignore my opinions.
Mrs.
Suarez is in the exam room when you're ready.
Now isn't she a breath of fresh air? Now that she's had a week to get over her marriage, I think I'm gonna ask her on a date.
She's the kind of woman mother would come down from the attic for.
Hm.
Hey, man, you need to get on this Anna thing fast.
A girl that hot does not stay single for long.
I can hear Leonardo DiCaprio turning his yacht around as we speak.
Ah, this is so stressful.
I haven't journalled through my feelings on the topic.
[exclaims.]
You know what? You're a loser, and you should stay single till you die, or you should marry your bird.
Yeah, as if that's legal.
Fine.
I like her.
I'm gonna ask her out.
I just as Jody's friend, I've got to tell him first.
Boo.
Male friendships are boring.
The only friendships worth thinking about are Gayle and Oprah or, like, a young African-American boy and his Jewish chess master.
Yeah, you've already told me that movie idea.
I love it.
Good luck! Well, hi, Jeremy.
Come on in.
I'm just popping in to let you know I'm gonna be asking Anna out on a date.
Okay, bye.
Oh, sweetie, no.
Maybe you misheard me.
I'm gonna be asking Anna out.
No.
I heard you.
It's just I also like Anna.
And I think she likes me too.
In fact, she kissed me the other day.
So? She kissed me too.
- What? - And also I called dibs, and you know the rules.
You can't call dibs on an adult woman like she's the last comfy chair at movie night.
Why don't you go find yourself another nice girl? As long as it's somebody I haven't already called dibs on, you're good to go.
Oh, I see.
I see.
I'm meant to let you do whatever the hell it is you like just because you're the alpha and I'm the beta.
Well, I wouldn't put it that way.
I'd say I'm the strong, decisive leader, and you're the sensitive musical one who looks up to me, the alpha.
Oh, did I go and say it? Just because my best friends are a piano and a bird doesn't make me the beta.
I'm asking Anna out, and I don't give a damn what you think.
Tamra, I haven't been on the social scene since I fell down the steps at the opera.
What would be an impressive first date for a woman that, you know, I really want to wow.
Now, this is a real woman and not like the time you got catfished - by a man with no arms and no legs.
- By a man with no arms and no legs.
No.
This is a real woman, Tamra.
First, take her to dinner at Helsinki.
It's that new ice restaurant that just opened up in Rhom-Tri.
- The rhombus under Tribeca.
- Okay.
Oh, and then take her to see that play where Jake Gyllenhaal just moves furniture around the stage.
- Furniture, Jake Gyllenhaal.
- If you do those two things, you know what the third thing you're gonna do is.
The apple crumble for dessert at Serendipity.
Scrumptious.
You might run into Dr.
K, 'cause I told him to do the same stuff with Anna on their first date tomorrow night.
Jody's already asked Anna out? He got her dad's permission and everything.
- [sighs.]
- Who are you asking out? Your partner from salsa class? Tamra, you know we have an odd number, and I am forced to dance with Instructor Carlos.
Hey, Anna.
Wanna prank call pizza places with me? I think you'd be really good at it.
I don't think so.
I have some paperwork I need to do tonight.
- Okay, well - [knocking at door.]
Hey, what are you doing here? I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought to myself, "Well, got some Prosecco "and some strawberries and clotted cream, "a jigsaw puzzle.
Why not pop in on my old mate Mindy?" - Huh? This is weird.
- That's not weird.
Just want to hang out with you, that's all.
And anyone else who happens to be here.
Oh, Leo.
I'm sorry, man.
I don't know how to tell you this, but he thinks you're lame.
Well, it's - [whispering.]
Oh, Anna? - Yes, you idiot.
Jody's taking her on a date tomorrow night, so time is of the essence.
Please just help me out.
Anna, guess who's here? It's Jeremy.
Oh, hello, Jeremy.
What are you doing here? Oh, this is totally normal.
He comes over all the time to watch movies.
- We eat snotted cream.
- Clotted cream.
But honestly, Jeremy, old chum, tonight I won't be able to join you because my bowels are rumblin'.
[whispers.]
Just say you're tired.
[grunting.]
I feel bad.
Ah, man, well, I'm gonna call it a night.
For your safety, do not go near the bathroom.
For God's sake.
Turn the fan on.
So, dare I pour us a snort of Prosecco? Oh, uh, okay.
But just a splash, because I really need to finish this paperwork tonight.
I hear you.
Work is important.
So, I warn you, this English clotted cream is somewhat clottier than what you're used to.
I wonder if Mindy has a cream caddy.
- This is my room.
- Big.
Yeah.
I got the top bunk.
- That's hot.
- Yeah, it is hot.
Do you do you want a boost? 'Cause I broke the ladder on Christmas morning I came down too - Yeah.
Sure, sure.
Push me up.
- Great, great, great.
[grunts.]
Got you.
Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
Oh, no.
Oh.
[grunts.]
Pull.
You are big man.
I brac-ed feet.
Just go.
Big man.
There we go.
Oh, my God.
Morgan, make sex to me.
Oh, your turtleneck it's so itchy.
Oh, oh, my God.
Hey, do me a favor.
Put on the hair net.
Put it on.
I got to see it.
- Oh, God! - [screams.]
- No, no, no, no, no! - Oh, no! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was just I was recording in there.
I think the microphone did pick up some kissing noises, so I am gonna need to get you to sign a release.
- Stop it.
- Oh, no.
I think I sprained my scooping hand.
I need for the scoop! I'm finished in the cafeteria.
They'll put me on the registers.
Oh, no, no.
Morgan, I don't want to see you again.
Stay out of my cafeteria.
From now on, you go to the Garden Street Cafe, level B1.
- I don't have panini money.
- Level B1.
I can't go.
I can't go.
Dina, Dina, Dina! Oh, my God.
Everywhere I go, Karen, you're there.
Work, home those are the only two places I go, but you're always there.
And I'm gonna say to you what I say to all the penguins at the zoo: "Go back to Alaska, you weirdos!" Time to dig into this puzzle.
Um, I actually I have some stuff I need to do.
Oh, but it's of the doors of Rochester, New York.
- My hometown? - Is it? Is it really? What a coincidence that my random choice should have some personal significance to you.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, so, the easiest way is finding the corners.
- Jeremy - It's actually easiest because they're in a very specific shape.
- I don't want to do this.
- They're in a rectangle, and we don't need to worry with these little knobbly bits.
- Jeremy, please put it away.
- And then we lay down the corners, and then [shouting.]
Please put the puzzle away.
I don't want to do this.
I misjudged it.
I'm so sorry.
My mistake.
Aah! [exhales.]
Oh, no, no, no, Anna, don't cry.
The puzzle's fine.
The puzzle's okay.
These papers took the brunt of it.
"State of New York divorce filing"? Oh, Anna, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
[sniffles.]
I'm sorry if I was short with you.
No, no.
Come on.
It's just I got to the part in the paperwork where I have to list Tim's transgressions, which hasn't been easy because there's been so many.
Maybe I could help.
No, I actually helped my mother with her divorce paperwork from father, and then later when she divorced Sheik Mahmoud.
Why don't you tell me what to write, and I'll write it down? - You would do that? - Of course.
You know, I actually became a doctor for the paperwork.
Heh.
[springs squeaking.]
Morgan! Hey! Whoa! No, no, no, no, no.
Hey! Hey! I got the sign up! Come on, man.
[grunts.]
Why did I get a text from my girlfriend saying she's not coming to our apartment anymore? Because she ruined my night of passion.
That is not passion.
Let me tell you something.
I got Dina back here.
Finally.
And we were getting in our underwear, and all of a sudden, Karen pops out of my closet like a ghost, and I fling Dina across the room.
You know how hard it is to get a woman to come back to your apartment when you live 85 stops off the subway.
I'm just gonna be real with you.
Your girlfriend's - really annoying.
- Mm.
Yeah, she's always running around this apartment practicing her yo-yo, and she hit one of my dogs in the eye, and he has to wear an eye patch.
Scooter looks like an idiot! - Scooter is an idiot! - You're an idiot! - Arg! It's clobbering time! - [grunts.]
[shouts.]
[both grunting.]
[shouting and grunting.]
[dogs barking.]
Stop.
Tap out.
Tap out.
Oh, oh! Okay, I can't afford steroids like you.
I won't put you in another headlock, but you got to listen to me.
Karen was the first girl I've liked in a really long time, and you messed it up.
[dogs whine.]
I'm going for a bike ride.
Colette, I Colette, I'm sorry.
Colette, come back here, please.
I'm sorry! Et tu, Scooter? [sighs.]
He cheated on me constantly.
He slept with the caterer during the father-daughter dance at our wedding.
I could hear his moans from the closet over Suga Suga's "How'd You Get So Fly.
" I'll just put "various infidelities.
" Thank you for helping me with this, Jeremy.
It really has made it a lot easier.
Well, you know, I like being here, even under the circumstances.
[pager beeping.]
Oh, it's the hospital.
I guess one of my patients went into labor early.
I really do appreciate the company tonight, Jeremy.
- Oh.
- Oh, and, um, if you wouldn't mind checking on Mindy I think she fell asleep on the toilet.
Right.
Dr.
Ziev is on her way.
What birthing suite would you like for us to prep? Oh, that won't be necessary.
But could you find me an ice bucket? Never mind.
I'll just fill a bedpan with ice from the morgue.
Uh, what are you doing on the floor of the scrub-in room? Well, I just couldn't wait for our date tomorrow, so I decided to throw you a spontaneous picnic.
I'm sorry.
Did you just take a photograph of me? I just want to document the moment.
Can I pour you some rosé? No.
I can't drink.
I got called in for a procedure.
Well, good news! I made that up to get you here.
Yay, romantic ruse! Would you like a water cracker? Are you out of your mind? I just called Stephanie Ruiz's husband in Afghanistan.
Oops.
But now that you're here, why don't you take a seat? This is insane.
And unhygienic.
Do you have any idea how much placenta must have been tracked on this floor? I took a wet wipe to it.
I'm leaving.
For one thing, I'm not comfortable with how close those candles are to that oxygen tank.
Oh, idiots.
How'd it go with Anna? You know, I think I laid some really good groundwork.
I was a great shoulder to cry on, very masculine, and also I took your advice and didn't once mention my harp lessons or sleeping gloves.
Oh, my God, Jeremy.
This might happen.
Oh, I'm gonna give the best speech at your wedding.
[phone buzzes.]
Ooh, you're blowing up.
Let's see who it is.
Mm.
Oh.
Never mind.
There's not gonna be a wedding.
I mean, unless it's between Anna and Jody.
- All is lost.
- What are you talking about? Oh, come on.
Hey, man, I'm really sorry.
But you know what? I'm not gonna go to their wedding.
But they're both really rich.
It'll be really fun.
You know what? I'm not gonna go to their brunch.
I never do.
I'm always too hungover.
Thanks? - Hey, Karen.
- Morgan! Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
I am so sorry about yesterday.
That was my second-worst coming out of the closet.
The third was telling my parents I was gay.
Wait.
I'm sorry.
You're apologizing to me? I wrote you a song on the ukulele to make up for it.
It's called "When Morgans Cry.
" How could I anger such a large man? Shh, shh, shh.
Stop, stop, stop.
I appreciate that gesture, and I know you're trying.
The singing is the core problem I'm having with you.
I know that I can be pretty irritating.
Do you know that I had to leave Alaska because I was so annoying? They sent me into Canada on a dog sled while I was asleep.
I have not always been this charismatic chick magnet - that stands before you.
- Really? You know what I've been called? Annoying.
They made a movie about me on Lifetime called "Unbearable: The Morgan Tookers Story.
" - Whoa.
- I've been called a lot of stuff: intolerable, bad storyteller, the worst thing ever on the Lifetime network.
My high school paid me $100 to not go to my ten-year reunion.
Maybe you and I have more in common than I thought.
And we've both been in Colette's pants.
- Oh.
- I'm wearing them right now.
- Oh! - Yeah.
I spilled one of the Mexican corns on my pants.
- Oh, yeah.
Uh-oh.
- Yeah, I know.
We got to make this work.
Okay.
I promise I'm gonna be real normal from now on.
You won't regret it.
There you go.
How could I anger such a large man? I'll give it back to you later on.
Oh, okay.
See you later.
[crashing.]
Oh.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
This is the downtown local.
Station stop is 72nd Street.
Stand clear of the closing doors, please.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Jeremy.
You know what? No.
It's it's not a good morning.
It's a bad morning! What you did yesterday was ungentlemanly and unsportsmanlike, and just just really shitty.
I liked Anna, Jody.
I really liked her.
And I am sick of only being allowed to date women that you've passed on.
Well, guess what.
From now on, I call dibs on everyone in this subway, everyone in the entire world.
On on on that one.
And on that one there.
And that Asian woman.
And on S.
Epatha Merkerson on that ad for "Chicago Med," which looks pretty good got to be honest.
And on her! I You know what? Good for you.
I was hoping this would happen.
You've finally stood up for yourself.
Now I can cancel my date with Anna tonight.
- Really? - You know this whole dating thing was just a trick to get you to stand up for yourself.
Oh, my God.
She rejected you, didn't she? No, no.
That is wrong.
I tricked her into thinking she rejected me.
She rejected you, and that must mean that she likes me.
But only because I wanted it.
Let's not forget I am the victorious party here.
She likes me.
Whoo! Aah! Good morning, Jeremy.
I just wanted to thank you for last night.
I was so emotional I snapped the handles off an elliptical machine.
I don't know what I would have done without you.
Anna, you don't need to say any more.
[sighs.]
I understand completely.
And I feel the same way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, my God.
- What are you doing? I'm so sorry.
It's just you rejected Jody, and I thought that maybe Oh, for Christ's sake.
- Oh.
- Come with me.
Everyone, I have an announcement.
I am currently going through a divorce.
This is not easy for me as a WASP.
I am not comfortable talking about love, money, lawyers, hardship basically anything besides the weather and a few select towns in Connecticut.
But for the record, I did not leave my cheating husband because I'm dying to date one of the tiny number of men in this office.
I disagree.
- I don't know your name.
- It's Morgan.
Homegirl, there's no use putting up a fight.
I gave the same exact speech, and then, against all laws of nature, ended up dating Morgan for two years.
He was terrible.
I disagree.
There's something very wrong with this office.
We don't all have to date each other just because we're in close proximity to one another, okay? Normal offices don't work like that.
So, please, don't hit on me and don't try to kiss me.
I won't like it.
Thank you for your time.
Hey, do you think that applies to women too? - No, mm-mm.
- Wow.
That was pretty embarrassing for the pair of us.
Let's never speak of it again.
Drink the memories away in your office? Way ahead of you, brother.
[clears throat.]
[whistling.]
[light instrumental music.]
Go to bed.