The Neighborhood (2018) s05e11 Episode Script

Hey, Calvin.
Hola, mi amor.
Guess what I'm making.
Paella.
Yes, the authentic recipe
we learned in "Barthelona."
Well, you know, you could say
Barcelona like an American.
No, I like saying "Barthelona"
like a "Barthelonian."
You know, Calvin, you don't
have to make paella every day.
I still haven't finished
my lunch paella.
Hey, you must have had a busy day.
Yeah, let's go with that.
And speaking of getting busy,
you know, we haven't done
that since this morning.
Calvin, where's my favorite mug?
Oh, I, uh, I threw it out.
Yeah, I was watching
Jennifer Hudson this afternoon,
and the feng shui expert said that
you should replace any
chipped or broken item.
But my mug wasn't chipped.
Well, I broke it when I was
trying to feng shui the kitchen.
Oh, by the way,
Magnum, P.I. thinks we should
get a reverse mortgage.
What you think?
Okay, Calvin, I know that you've had
a lot of time on your hands
since selling the shop, but
you got to stop watching daytime TV.
How about you just get out the house?
Do something.
Babe, I'm doing things.
I got plenty of stuff to do.
My schedule is jam-packed.
Alexa, what's on my calendar tomorrow?
At 03:00 p.m., you have a haircut.
Hmm? Didn't you get a haircut yesterday?
Yes, Tina. I'm a very hairy man.
Well, how about you
go out and play some golf?
Well, all my friends work.
Are you trying to get rid of me?
No, no, no, baby. I just
I don't think it's very healthy
for a man to stay at home all day,
or his wife might kill him.
Oh! I just watched
a Lifetime movie about that.
You know, the lady
got away with it, too.
Okay.
Oh, Tina, we can't take all your paella.
Please take it.
It'll really help my marriage.
Ooh, look, Dave wants some.
He's drooling.
Nah, it's from the dentist.
I'm still numb.
Here, sweetie, clean yourself up.
So, has it been hard for Calvin
having all this free time?
Hard for me. He's driving me crazy.
He's always here.
He watches my shows before I do
and then spoils the endings.
You know, I finally
just sent him to Ernie's bar
to give away some of this paella.
And there's this much left?
You feel my pain.
Ooh.
Mama! Oh. Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Did a box come for me today?
Oh, yeah, it's right over there.
Um, why did you have it sent here?
I didn't want Malcolm to see it.
It's a longsword
for my Arthurian groom-posal.
It's a what for the what what?
I'm gonna ask Malcolm to be my best man.
And then slay him?
Marty's doing a grooms-posal.
They're like prom-posals,
but for your groomsmen.
Yeah, back when I did mine,
society thought
they were only for bridesmaids.
Then I rode into my friend Bobby's yard
on that horse, shirtless.
I broke barriers
for groomsmen everywhere.
I'm
I'm-I'm gonna go "shirt on."
But I do want Malcolm to be blown away.
So, uh, Marty, got all your
groomsmen picked out already?
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, i It's only four of us.
It's Malcolm, my two
best friends from college,
and my play cousin Daniel.
S-So he's not even
- a real cousin, huh?
- David
Dave, let it go.
You're not in the wedding.
Stop being so thirsty.
Oh, shoot. Ernie's killing it
at cornhole. He's undefeated.
Hey, Calvin,
do you want me to embarrass
you next or should I
crush Trey as a warm-up?
Also, no outside food.
Oh.
It's paella. I brought you some.
Oh, don't mind if I do.
Winning burns a lot of calories.
Ernie, I haven't seen
you lose in a week.
You juicing?
Nah. No, man. No, no, no.
I'm just the best holder
anyone's seen this side of the 405.
Probably the other side, too.
There's just
too much traffic to be sure.
You bragging about
throwing beanbags in a hole?
Sound like somebody's scared.
Ooh, I'm terrified.
What's the next challenge Hopscotch?
Or maybe Candy Land?
Calvin, just whup his ass
and shut him up.
Man. Hey.
I-It's ridiculous, man.
This requires no skills.
I mean, anybody could do it.
Watch.
Ha-ha!
Reminds me of the time
we played mini-golf
and you hit that old lady.
It was a bank shot off her walker.
I still made par.
Ah.
Okay.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Close, close, but no cigar.
All right, this ain't over.
All right, here we go.
Yeah!
Oh!
Boom, baby! In your face!
Okay, Calvin. All right.
If you feeling so cocky,
then why don't you
play in the tournament?
Mm, nah, I'm good.
Uh-huh. Uh, I-I forgot You retired.
You too busy sitting on the front porch
in a rocking chair.
Ooh!
You know what? I'm in.
And for your information, it's a glider!
All right. Well, good luck, Calvin.
Good luck. Oh, did you see
the gallery of champions?
They all look a lot like me, don't they?
You know, I forget about
the year you had the toupee.
It's called a hair unit.
Hold on.
Oh, my God!
Marty, what is going on?
Malcolm Langston Butler,
first of his name,
you are hereby commanded to pull
the sword from yon stone.
Only the true best man
can such a feat achieve.
What?
If thou wouldst be the best man,
thou must pull the very
expensive custom-engraved sword
from yonder stone.
Okay, Marty, obviously
I am going to be your best man.
Uh, did you say "wouldst"?
What does that even mean?
I don't know, man.
Can you just play along?
No, I said I'm in, Marty, okay?
I-I'm doing all the best man stuff.
I went to the cake tasting,
we went soup shopping.
Okay, if-if you're not into this,
maybe I'll ask somebody else.
Marty, I'm your only brother.
Who else would you ask
to be your best man?
Derek.
Derek? Derek has no personality.
He's a board game friend.
You have to be distracted
just to hang out with him.
Well, Derek would have pulled the sword
from the stone by now, man.
Well, 'cause Derek is a dork!
Great. You tell him that to his face
when he takes your role as the best man.
Wha
From the shadows you come
and to the shadows I bid you return.
Almost had it.
Don't flatter yourself.
You weren't even close.
You're pulling your left shoulder.
Thanks a lot, Gemma.
But a lot of those bags went in the hole
before you broke my concentration
by sneaking up on me.
Okay, you want to keep missing,
keep doing it your way.
Or you could square up a bit
and add a little arc to your toss,
like this.
Damn, woman, you can hole.
Where'd you learn to play like that?
There wasn't a lot to do
in Hickory Corners.
All we had was corn.
Either you ate it or you threw it.
Or the crows got it.
On a bad day, all three could happen.
So, you used to play with corn?
Did you not have Barbie dolls?
Crows got 'em.
That's why I became so good at cornhole.
Uh, w-wait, wait.
I want to learn how to play.
Cornhole isn't something you learn.
It's something you become.
When I holed,
I gave myself fully to the game.
I'd expect you to do the same.
- I'm ready.
- No.
No, you're not.
But you will be.
Forget everything you think
you know about cornhole.
I literally know nothing.
Raw clay. I like it.
Derek?
- Derek is gonna be your best man?
- Yes, Mom.
Help me remember
Did I carry Derek in my womb?
I think you know you did not.
Then Derek should not be your best man.
Calvin, back me up.
Listen to your mama, boy.
Ooh! Four in a row!
Calvin!
What? I'm folding the laundry.
Thanks for noticing.
Stop playing games and help me
talk some sense into this boy.
Uh, Marty, if you want your
brother to be your best man,
you should ask him like a normal person.
I'm sure he'll say yes.
Well, he did say yes.
That's not the point, Daddy.
He disrespected my process.
Listen, baby,
when you look back on your wedding
years from now
you're gonna want to have
those memories with your brother.
Calvin, what the hell are you doing?!
I'm emptying the dishwasher.
Apparently, I have to do
everything around here.
That was going in.
I mean, it is nonstop, Trey.
One ridiculous wedding event
after another,
a-and the groom-posal was insane.
There was a rock, there was a sword,
and then there was a suit of armor.
So, he did all that just
to ask you to be his best man?
Yes. I mean, it's ridiculous, right?
Tell me I'm wrong.
- You're wrong.
- Thank you.
Wait, what?
I'm just saying, Marty went through
all that trouble to make you
feel loved and appreciated,
and you went and acted like a jackass.
I did not.
Word on the street is you
were a total jackass to Marty.
I said yes to Marty, okay?
Look, maybe I wasn't as
nice as I could have been
Okay, I-I don't care. Uh
Are you now bumped down
to regular groomsman
or or are you out out,
and now there's an opening?
Well, I can't be completely
out of the wedding, Dave.
Uh, I mean, look, I got to do something.
Marty's a big baby,
but he is my baby brother.
You're right. You're a good brother.
Damn it.
So, what do I do?
Malcolm, go to him.
Yeah, but you got to do it right.
After what you did,
you need to go all the way. Yeah.
Meaning I got to
completely humiliate myself?
No, no, not at all.
Now, let's talk tunics and tights.
Oh
You do know there's nothing
in your hand, right?
Of course, babe.
The tournament is tonight.
I can't risk injury.
Hey, Tina, would you do me the honor
of shagging my bags this evening?
Do what now?
I forgot, you don't speak hole.
It means retrieving my bags.
I just need to concentrate
on my throwing.
Alexa, is it windy in Pasadena tonight?
Hello, Cornhole King.
This evening in Pasadena, California,
it's breezy at 14.2 miles per hour.
Hmm.
I'm gonna have to adjust
my arc for the wind.
Did you actually program Alexa
to call you Cornhole King?
Yes. And trust me,
it's starting to catch on.
Uh, you know, Calvin, I know I
encouraged you to get out of the house
and find something to do,
but don't you think
that maybe you're taking
this Cornhole thing
a little too seriously?
Don't be ridiculous.
Calvin, bombaye!
Calvin, bomba
Did you people not see Ali?
Calvin, bombaye!
Calvin, bombaye! Calvin, bombaye!
Go, babe!
It's all right, my man.
You can tell your grandkids
you got beat by Calvin Butler.
Go on, now.
Calvin, let's talk management.
What are you celebrating?
You haven't won anything yet.
I just took the semis.
Finish the job!
Sorry, Calvin.
You've had your fun,
but your little lucky streak
ends here. This is my house.
Yeah, that's because
you lost your real house
in your last divorce.
True.
But not you or my other exes or the IRS
can take cornhole from me.
Don't you worry, Calvin Butler.
I'll keep the trophy here.
You can come see it whenever you want.
Oh. Uh, I'm gonna see it every night
'cause it'll be in my bedroom.
The hell it will.
Hey, uh, shag girl,
you're messing up my trash talk.
Hedwig?!
"Your presence is requested
in Mother and Father's yard
"at the stroke of 9:00.
Yours, magically, Alan Dumbledore."
It's Albus, but okay.
Who dares approacheth my lair?
You invited me, Dumbledore.
Yes, right.
Approacheth, Grayskull Legolas.
You are mixing so many different things,
but I love it!
When I cast this spell,
you will no longer remember that
I was dickish unto thee.
And you will once again welcome me back
as your best friend,
your best brother and
your best man.
Kombucha!
Yes. A thousand times yes.
This is unbelievably tense.
It is?
They're tied. They've gone
bag-for-bag this whole round.
The next hole wins.
Ooh, and then we're done?
Oh. Hey, hey.
You hear that, Calvin?
That hole is calling my name.
Ooh!
Yeah. Oh, I hear it now.
And it's saying,
"You're in second place, sucker."
Time out. Time out, time out.
Calvin, his bag
is teetering over the edge.
It's air mail time.
- Air mail?
- Yes.
We practiced this.
No, we didn't.
We didn't? Crap.
Okay.
You've got to arc high. Crazy high.
Higher than you've ever
arced in your life.
Your bag's got to come straight down
through that hole without
taking Ernie's bag in with it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Delay of game.
Okay, hey, I'm tossing.
I'm tossing, man.
Okay.
Yes! We did it! We're awesome!
Suck it, loser!
Hey, uh, good game, Calvin.
- Yeah, that felt pretty good.
- Oh,
need to take your picture for the wall.
Oh, not without my shag girl.
Nah, I'm good.
Hey, that was, uh
that was some fine holing, Calvin.
Yeah. Maybe the best I've ever seen.
- It was fun.
- Yeah, it was.
Oh, it doesn't have to be over.
See, there's a doubles circuit.
We can take this act
on the road as a team.
There is a tournament
next weekend in Reno.
- Now, the way I figure
- Look, sorry, Ernie.
I mean, since I sold the
shop, I have been looking
for something to be
passionate about, but
this is your thing, man. All right?
I'm still searching for mine.
Mm. You'll find it, baby.
Hey, you-you sure about that, Calvin?
Very. But you
You go out there and give 'em hell.
Hey!
I'll do it.
I'll go with you, Ernie. Reno!
Reno!
Hey,
- you drive stick?
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, you do.
Hey, hey! You're not going to Reno.
You're a wife, a mother and a principal.
Okay, Gemma,
uh, go home, all right? Go on, now.
Go.
Something is definitely wrong with her.
David Seymour Johnson,
first of his name, come forth.
Oh, my God.
Is this happening?
The maiden Necie hath decreed
that the size of her bridal
party will increase by one.
Her cousin Keisha will be joining us
from the Woods of Ingle.
Huh?
Keisha from Inglewood.
Wilst thou do me the most high honor
of joining the Groom's Watch?
Wedding is coming.
T'would be my honor, your grace.
With thy very knee
I bendeth like Beckham.
Macchiato!