The Wonder Years s05e11 Episode Script

Every culture has its own rites of passage Ways of marking that leap from childhood To manhood Complex ritualsWeird dancesActs of courage and survival It's a tradition as old as civilization.
Or As recent as crabgrass Fact! in the suburbs A boy's first steps towards manhood start behind a lawnmower Hey, Kevin! Watch where you're goin'.
You missed a patch Sorry, Dad Still, for me, at sixteen, lawn care had given way to something much, much, more important The driver's license The thing that separates the boys Lucky stiff From the men And so on, and so forth Kev! Kev!! The hell ya doin' there? I was just You're burning a hole in the yard! Right, Dad! And don't forget to put the mower away when you're finished! OK, I will! But the truth was, by the spring of tenth grade, It was time to put the mower in mothballs Forget the crabgrass.
Make the jump from two cylinders To real horsepower OK, now, Miss Pedermeir - let's try it again OK Only this time - easy on the brake.
'Kay? Which one's the brake? Driver's ed.
The final demarcation line between those who could And those who probably shouldn't Easy gasEasy brakeEasy gas By the second week of on-the road trainingOne thing was becoming clear Yucccch - old gum Yeah? Heh - what flavor? When it came to operating a motor-vehicleThese other kids were gonna need a lot of help That's fine for today, MIss Pedermeir I thought you said we were gonna do freeways - I want to do freeways! Fortunately, in this car full of jokersThe coach had one ace up his sleeve Arnold! You ready? Sure am! A manWho was born to drive Nice lane-change Well, I did my best And, put simplyMy best was a lot better than anyone else's I'd like everyone to note how Arnold here looked over his left shoulder before merging.
That's, uh, this oneSlovoski And look at that hand-position, a perfect ten-and-two.
The motor-vehicle people are gonna be looking for that Thanks, coach Yeah, I didn't wanna bragBut let's face it - I had it all the reflexes, the instincts, the timing.
The whole repertoire Well, almost the whole repertoire OK, we got a couple of minutes hereSo why don't we jump ahead to our next section? Parallel parking.
It will be on your road test I repeat, it will be on the test Heh-heh, you almost had to feel sorry for the poor saps Arnold - why don't we show 'em how it's done? She's all yours Sure! Course it was only right I should be the first Left hand at noon Right arm over the bench After all, I was the natural Now, ease her on in Yep, here it was - the final frontier Yougot it The last thing standing between me and the open road Get thisand I was home free And that's when it happened What happened? You knocked over a cone! He knocked over a cone! I did? You creamed it! Wow! Course, it could have happened to anybody.
Still for some reason it rattled me Let me do that again! Sorry.
We're out of time.
We'll try it again next time See you all on Thursday! Oh And that was that.
A small miscalculation, nothing more Not even worth a second thought OK, we'll try it again.
Left hand at noon Right arm over the bench You ready, Arnold? Got it! Of course I was ready Slovoski, move your head! I was just a littleTense, that's all After all, I had a reputation at stake here Still, with the proper amount of concentration You got it Plus the old God-given natural instincts You got it Yeah, what a comeback From here on in it was gonna be smooth sailin' If you didn't mind swimming to the curb He missed! Good, Arnold! Maybe next time we can try parking the rest of the car Hmmm That weekend, for some reason, the old lawnmower felt kindagood Familiar.
Not like Driving Kevin? I know, I know - I'm putting it away Nah, we gotta go pick up new shower doors Oh Here! You drive Oh! You got your driver's-test coming up You wanna practice, don't you? Sure, but, uh Course any other day I'd have jumped at the chance to hit the road in Dad's gas-guzzler, but - I don't know, Dad Maybe I'll juststay here What? Somethin' wrong? No, it's just that I should've told him.
I should've told him, but I didn't Never mind Then come on, let's go I don't know, maybe I just needed some time to think it over Not bad You're OK Thanks! Or maybe I needed a little confidence-building from the big man In any event, by the time we reached town, I was back on my game again.
Ready for anything Why don't you pull her in over there? Yikes Uh Sure! I'm on it, Dad Of course this was no time to panic - I knew that.
This was simple.
Just a matter of wedging two tons of steel in a twelve-by-four parking space Nothing to it Nope, all I had to do was think it through calmly.
Rationally And that's when I made my fatal mistake I thought about it a second too long Kev? Huh? What are you waiting for? Uh Nothing But as I sat thereCompletely paralyzed, I knew one thing Only a miracle was gonna get me out of this now OrA 1970 Volkswagen Super-beetle What does that guy think he's doing? Didn't he see the blinker? The idiot shouldn't be allowed on the road! Tell me about it Well then, justgo around Sure, Dad But even though I escaped this time The truth seemed clearer than ever.
Instead of living life in the fast lane I was doomed to spend the rest of mine Circling the block Coming of age in suburbia - the ritual, the ceremony, the grandeur For anybody who could parallel park anyway With my driver's-test only a few days away Hey, Kevin! Don't forget to put that away! Yeah, yeah, yeah It was beginning to seem like the only wheels I'd ever be in charge of would come with a leaf-bag and a mulch attachment OK now, ease her on in.
Andperfect The thing was, the harder I tried, the worse things got Good, Grubner! I guess you could say it was starting to affect my self-image That's almost everyone Your turn, Bo-Peep It was clear if I wanted to pull out of this, I needed to re-establish my territory.
Assert my masculinity.
The question was - how? Hi, Kevin! Hello! Jessica! Hi! Jessica Thomas.
Just the kind of woman that could turn a man around Hi.
I was wondering if I could borrow your bio notesfrom yesterday? And I had something she wanted Sure! So, you, uhbusy Friday night? Maybemaybe not Well, there's a dancewant to go? I'm not big on dances Orwe could ditch it I might have plans Cancel 'em OK, it was a risk, but - Alright.
I will! Bingo! So, Friday then? Friday! Yes! I saw the mountainand I took it So pick me up at eight? You can park the car out front Park? Car? And honk? Oh no, oh no, oh no! I've come to take my road test Now! I'd had it I wasn't gonna spend the rest of my life as a shepherdess! Take a seat.
Wait your turn OK - be rude about it.
I didn't care.
It was time to take the bull by the horns No matter who was watching Vogel! And the thing is, now that I was there, I actually felt kind of - calm Donlevy! No question about it.
From here on in, it was just a matter of time Riordan! Uh-huh.
Nothing to do but wait Chang! Ahem! Any minute now Burns! And then, the wheels came off Arnold? Now I swear to you, I swear I was ready To the deepest fiber of my being, I was focussed, confident, I was - Good luck! I was out of there Oh, finished honey? Yeah, come on! How'd it go? Piece of cake! You heard it Piece of cake Congratulations, Kev! You did it honey! Thanks, Mom Thanks, Dad This is really - great But it was horrible.
I was a failure and a liar In front of my whole family Well, let's see it, butthead! See what? The driver's-license - where is it? Uh You didn't lose it already, did ya? No! No! I just left it In my other pants - in my other wallet! Besides, it's just a temporary! I can't believe it.
I can still remember your father teaching you to ride a bike.
And now you're driving! I guess I didn't expect you kids to grow up so fast I couldn't believe it.
My parents were getting spongy on me Washing away in sentimentality So, there was only one thing to say I gotta go to the bathroom Notsofast Yeah, Dad? Here.
Your mother and I got you something You're gonna need these It's your own set of keys to the car Ah, Geez Thanks I'm proud of you, son Yeah I couldn't get to sleep that night.
I kept thinking about my future How I was gonna grow up, go to college, raise a family and be the only All-Pro quarterback who ever had to ride his bicycle to the Superbowl I'm proud of you, son I can't believe it Your own set of keys to the car You did it, honey Your driver's license - where is it? Your turn, Bo-Peep Proud of you sonproud of you son And that's when I knew what I had to do Like the young warrior cast out into the darkness of the jungle to prove his manhood I was going to learn how to parallel park, the only way I knew how Alone This is it! Sure, I was committing grand-theft auto But there was a greater need here I had to take the chanceAnd I had to do it now And the path was clear ahead Or so I thought At that moment I hit rock bottom.
I couldn't drive, I couldn't park, I couldn't even remember to put away my father's lawnmower.
I didn't thinlk I couldn't feel any worse Hey! Who's out there? Except then I did The funny thing is, for a second I actually thought about running for my life What the hell's goin' on here? But somehow I guess I knew I just couldn't run anymore.
It was time to face the truth I don't know how to park I lied about my license I never took the test Here Take 'em.
I don't want 'em And maybe in that moment I learned something.
About being a man Yeah, you do Come on, let's go Where? You gotta start somewhere And I learned it From the guy who wrote the book Little bit more - that's good! Awrightawright.
Awright, now - straighten it out, straighten it out.
Good! Good! Alright! That night my dad taught me a lot How to parallel park Why you put away the lawnmower And in some small way - what it takes to grow up That Monday he took the afternoon off And we went and got my license.
He was so proud Then he took it away - and grounded me for a month