Xena: Warrior Princess s05e11 Episode Script

It was the kind of night where you could feel time flow over you like the amnesiatic waters of the river Styx.
That is terrible.
"Amnesiatic"? I don't think that's a word.
This doesn't work, either.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
No.
Oh, yeah.
This is so good.
No, it's not.
Who am I kidding? -Aphrodite? -Can't sleep, huh? You scared me.
Sorry, I didn't know I had to knock in my own temple.
You don't, but can you just keep it down? I don't wanna wake Xena.
Pregnant girl needs her rest, huh? I remember when Cupid was on his way.
Doesn't a god of your obvious stature have anything better to do than hang out here in the middle of the night? What's with the attitude? I let you sleep in my temple I show real concern for your insomnia and you treat me like I'm a rash where the sun don't shine.
I didn't mean to be rude.
I don't wanna bother you with my troubles.
Sweet-pea I am immortal, you know? I got nothin' but time.
The doctor is in.
See these? These are my scrolls.
I wrote them.
I wrote all of them.
It's like a It's like a diary of my travels with Xena.
When I wrote them I just I felt so complete I don't know why I stopped.
Something keeps telling me that I have to start writing again.
-Well, why don't you? -It's not that easy! I don't have time for it, for one thing.
Tell me, how you would write about today.
-You mean, if I could.
-E então? Well? Today started like any other day.
Xena and Joxer and I were trying to find a name for Xena's baby.
I came up with the best one.
How 'bout the name "Rochelle"? And have her called "Roach" for short? I don't like that.
How do you guys know it's gonna be a girl? Maybe it'll be a boy.
All right.
-How 'bout "Aloysius"? -That's not funny.
It was a thought.
I'm glad we're almost to Pilos.
I know someone who's getting a little hungry.
Oh Pregnant woman's hungry.
There's news.
-And cranky.
-Cranky? I haven't been cranky for years.
Joxer, have you ever seen me cranky? Tell the truth, Joxer.
Now you listen to me, monkey-man.
You ever do that again, and you'll find my fist down your throat.
I always wanted to be an uncle.
Hello there, little fella! Well, you think you can cut me down without dropping me flat on my face? No.
Rise and shine, everyone.
So, have ya? No? Cop out.
All right, Xena, it's not your fault, with your condition and all.
You're patronizing me.
Gabrielle, I am in full control of my mood swings.
-You wanna bet? -Anything you name.
How 'bout a month of cooking and cleaning that you can't go a whole day without losing your temper? You throw in back rubs and you got a deal.
It's a deal.
Doesn't count.
That's ok.
In the spirit of friendship, I will take the horses to the river.
-You can have lunch in town.
-I'll help ya.
Joxer, no, you have to stay with Xena.
Not that I don't trust you.
All right, Gabrielle.
You take good care of my baby.
Make sure you rinse her down with cold water and hitch her to something.
She'll probably come looking for me.
Not that I don't trust you.
I just don't want anything to happen that might make me mad.
It doesn't take a genius to wash a horse.
Well, it'll come in handy for all those backrubs you're gonna give me Come on, dummy.
Did you hear that? Xena telling me how to bathe you What do I add? Water? She must think I'm like Joxer or something.
Xena doesn't do any cleaning.
Have you smelled her feet lately? Good girl.
What happened to you? In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS So, you shrunk her horse! Big deal! Everybody shrinks as they get older.
That's why old people are so short.
Now, that's very constructive.
What are you writing? Patient is hostile and insecure Possibly masking some latent tendencies.
This is stupid.
No, I'm sorry.
Look No more scroll, all right? Latent tendencies? Where did you learn to talk like that? Honey, don't let the blonde hair fool you.
Although bombastic forms of circumlocution should be generally avoided one mustn't shy away from big words in the right context.
-What? -Nothing.
Please, continue.
-Where did I leave off? -Shrunken horse? Right.
What happened to you? Divine retribution.
That's what happened.
Who are you? Lachrymose, god of despair.
Can't you read? "Property of Lachrymose.
" You used my spring to wash your horse.
Next you'll be stabling him in my temple.
I I'm so sorry.
You gotta admit that dedication is hard to spot.
Ok, it was an honest mistake.
Can't you change her back? Please? This isn't my horse.
It's Xena's.
You've heard of her, right? She's killed thousands of men, and with the mood she's in right now she will not think this is funny.
So? I've never laughed in my whole life.
-You're kidding -I wish I was.
I've never done that, either.
I can make you laugh.
I bet I could.
I hate puns or jokes or riddles.
I tell stories.
True stories.
Let's say if I can make you laugh you make Argo large again.
Deal? Well, you can try, but I doubt it'll work.
All right.
Just don't underestimate me.
Xena does that.
In fact you're gonna love this.
There was this time where she she was trying to warn me against catching this rabbit and You're such a cute little rabbit.
It's funny now, but at the time I was just a big carrot stick.
And that's it? No, no.
I'm just warming up.
-Kid's got staying power.
-Yeah.
-Some set of pipes, huh? -What? -I said, some set 'a lungs.
-I can't hear you.
-Some set 'a lungs! -Oh, yeah.
Swell.
Did that mean old warrior princess scare you? -Yes, yes.
-Nice move.
Are you kidding me? I scared it mute.
What kind of a mother am I gonna make? Oh, come on, Xena.
You're terrific with kids.
Gabrielle never told you about King Gregor's child, huh? Look, I may not be nanny material but you try baby-sitting through a sword fight.
So? Well, so your method's a little unorthodox.
It doesn't mean it's not full of love and concern, you know? -You think? -Sure.
Well, maybe you're right, huh? After all, how much do kid's cry anyway? That little rascal stole all of Cupid's arrows and went on a shooting spree.
I'm talking about baby Bliss.
You know, Cupid and Psyche's son.
If you get hit with one of those arrows you fall in love with the first person you see.
These are for you.
Let go of my cow! Bessie Bessie I thought it was cute until I became the bull's-eye.
Xena? Gabrielle? Xena? Tastes like sweat! Does yours? Well, I guess ya had to be there, huh? All right.
Let's find out what kind of humor you do like.
Slap-stick? Have faith.
What about action? Sim? Everybody loves a good chase sequence.
Like the time we went to India.
I don't get that place.
No! Stop! Somebody's trying to kill me?! No! Maybe that's India's way of rolling out the red carpet.
Moving right along.
How about a little romantic comedy? Look! Cherries! I love cherries.
Me too.
Did I mention I'm a widow? There's no reason why we can't be adults about this and have a little fun.
Are you suicidal? Oh, don't worry, Xena.
I got just what you need.
And plenty of it, too.
Gaea like Attus? Attus is quite a surprise! Here! Put something on Are you kidding? Honey God or no god, Lachrymose is still a man.
You should've tried a little sex appeal.
That's the only way to really entertain the weaker sex.
I tried that.
Well, nothing quite like a woman's touch.
Didn't your mother ever teach you, it's rude to stare? Hey, I paid for an hour.
-What is this? -You know Slumber-party mode.
It's the only way to really talk about sex.
-I feel ridiculous.
-Want me to pierce your ear? No! So, let me ask you this.
Isn't all this story-telling an awful lot like writing? It's similar, but with writing it's like talking to yourself.
It's a way that you can work things out.
Of course, I know now exactly who I am.
So then who cares? Why write? Haven't you ever had an artistic impulse that's like a bad itch and you just have to keep working on it until you get it out? Of course! Who do you think accessorizes all these outfits? Someone's gotta put those shoes with that jacket and so on.
I'm glad you understand.
That's what I'm here for.
So what did Xena do when she found out about the horse? Xena and I are best friends.
There aren't any secrets between us.
-You stalled, huh? -Exactly.
What is taking her so long? -I don't know.
-Joxer, just pay the bill.
I can't.
Gabrielle took my money.
-Let's get her.
-Yeah.
Hey, watch it, woman.
Hey, aren't you Xena, Warrior Princess, who jailed the bloody warlord Taylor-Taygar? -What of it? -Taygar's my brother.
Prepare to die! -What's with him? -Family problems.
I blame the parents.
-How was your meal? -A little too much salt.
Unfortunately, there's been a slight delay, Xena.
You're never gonna guess why.
Let me.
First you got your nails done.
Then you went to your ballet lesson.
No, but you get the supplies and meet me at the spring.
I'll be there, ready to go.
Guess she must 'a just pulled free and wandered away.
She's gone? Argo's gone.
So you shrunk her horse and then you lost him.
So what? So what? Do you know how important Argo is to Xena? Sometimes I think she likes that horse more than she likes me.
I can't count the number of times that Argo has saved Xena.
-What are you doing? -I don't like animals.
They're dirty and smelly and just thinking about them makes me want to take a bath.
-Do you want your own tub? -No, I'm fine, thank you.
What is that smell? It smells like chocolate.
Essence of white chocolate, to be exact.
Haven't you heard that chocolate's an aphrodisiac? It's one of my little secrets.
Anyway I looked for that little horse everywhere.
Ok.
We got peanuts We got pickled eggs, castor oil All we need now is a sack of flour.
Did you get prunes? Yeah, what's life without prunes? Argo Argo! Where are you? Bag of wheat, bag of wheat Look there, the last one on the shelf.
So You thought you got rid of me, huh? Well, better luck next time.
Luck has nothing to do with it.
-Nice save! -And it's on special, huh? Clean up on aisle 7.
Not so tough now, are you, Mr.
Tough Guy? Nah, he's just an oaf.
Here.
See? What I'm more concerned about is that.
Any kid of mine is going to encounter some pretty strange and dangerous things.
Giants You know, you should find a different line of work.
Like what? I'm a blind cyclops, for crying out loud.
Giants? Giants? Hades, that's the least 'ayour problems.
Let's see, there's dryads What is it? Harpies Bacchae Oh, sure That kid 'a yours is gonna encounter a host of problems.
Let's see.
Pestilence, disease, foot rot,misery, but you know what, Xena? That kid's got something it couldn't get anywhere else.
-What? -You.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Argo Argo Excuse me.
Argo! Argo! Argo! Argo Come here.
What are you doing? Hey You trying to get me into trouble? Lachrymose, I'm so happy to see you.
You have got to change Argo back.
You don't realize how important she is to Xena.
Oh, touching.
But we had a deal, remember? Will you give me a break? Unless you can't do it.
I mean, maybe you're not god enough to do it.
I mean Who's gonna ride her the way she is now? -No one is that small.
-Oh, yeah? Argo! No! Stop, Argo! Hey, hey, boy! Come on, are you trying to kill me? Calm down! Argo! Oh, I'm gonna die! Argo, calm down! Calm down, girl! Come on, it's me.
It's Gabrielle! Calm down! Yes! All right! Girl, calm down! Yeah! That's it.
I gotta think.
See, you don't need to tell Gabrielle, 'cause I don't mean to be cranky.
I just can't seem to help it.
Hey You're pregnant.
That's the way pregnant women are.
-That's right.
-Sure.
Though I should try to remain calm, 'cause that's what's best for the baby.
Oh, sure.
I'll get it.
I've learned how my actions can have consequences for this child and I just wanna do my best.
Xena Take it from me.
If anybody can love and protect that kid it's you.
Come here.
All right, that's enough.
-Let go of me.
-Ga Eggs Eggs! Argo What? I'll go.
I'll go get the eggs.
Excuse me.
First you buy it, then you eat it.
Well, that's pretty.
Joxer! Gabrielle What happened? I'll explain later.
I need your help.
Ok.
Wait a minute.
This is our golden opportunity.
You are gonna be my new partner.
Joxer and little pal.
Look.
Your new sword.
Oh, gods! Joxer! Sorry.
Sorry.
I got a better idea! You can be a circus act! "Joxer and his amazing sideshow freak.
" Joxer, I need your help to find the god who did this to change us back.
Ok.
What am I gonna tell Xena? I don't know.
Make something up.
Tell her anything.
Now, what am I gonna say to a god? Lachromose! God of despair! Hear my plea and appear! Just try and stay still, Argo, please.
Life is so awful! Really? How awful? You're You're the first god I've ever summoned, you know? 'Cause Joxer! Well It all started when I was a child.
I was a happy kid at first.
But then, Mom and Dad started fighting.
He'd get tanked and take the chariot no matter who tried to stop him.
One day he lost control of it.
Mom took it hard and then she took a coupl'a arrows from Dad's creditors and died.
-It's just not fair! -No, it's not.
But tell me more.
Tell me more.
It must get worse.
You actually thought Joxer was gonna help? Joxer has pulled through for us several times.
Really? Like when? Joxer OK, forget that.
No, but Joxer, sometimes, he Attus glad that over.
Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, Joxer He can be Oh, no.
Ok.
Once There was this time that he Oh, Meg.
Gee, you got big feet for a girl.
I always thought that the g Hi, fellas.
Ok.
There was a time that Joxer I'm Joxer, by the way.
Gabrielle.
Got you now! Ok, you win.
But Joxer is a loyal friend, and he's a great travelling companion.
Don't get me wrong.
I love the poor dope.
You know, he convinced Lachrymose to return me to my normal size.
Really? Joxer's pathetic life was right up his alley, huh? Yeah.
Not even Lachrymose was laughing.
Oh, dear, that's terrible.
Please, tell me it gets worse.
Some wounds never heal.
Watch my stuff, wouldja? I'm gonna go get my friend from the tavern.
I don't feel so good.
All right.
Anyone seen a guy in a little pointy hat? Is that supposed to be funny? No, I just got lucky.
Tough crowd Well No Gabrielle, no Joxer.
At least there's someone who won't desert me.
Argo, come back! You again? Just wait till I catch you.
No, no.
Must be Lachrymose-intolerant.
You know, you could find her easier if you made her big again.
Now, you are not as dumb as you look.
Well Farewell.
Joxer! Let's get outta here! Lighten up.
Ah, now, that is devotion.
Here, girl! Look, a stray dog! They took a dog and put a horse head on it! Wow, what do you have to do? Add water? Gabrielle! Gabrielle! What is that? I can explain.
Look at that! Cold water! She said "cold water"! Xena, now don't get mad.
It's not good for the baby.
Ok, I Xena! All we have to do is make Lachrymose laugh.
Then we can have Argo back to the way she was.
Say your prayers, Xena.
Allelujah.
All right.
Ok, now, I'm not mad.
I'm just very, very disappointed.
And as for you No, no.
Think about it.
Think about it! Hey! She hit Bob! It was her.
What? I'll take a pie, please! You forgot to duck! So did you.
Get 'em! Joxer Never pie a pregnant woman.
Heads up! Which one of ya threw that pie? Heads up, Lachrymose.
A stupid, boring, unfunny excuse for a pie fight finally made him laugh? Go figure.
You must 'a been aiming too high the rest of the time.
I guess so.
You ok? -This isn't working.
-What's not working? I thought telling you the Lachrymose story would somehow end my writer's block.
Oh, well At least you got him in touch with his inner child.
-That's it.
-What? -That's the answser.
-What are you talking about? Ever since Xena became pregnant I have been trying to find a way to make the world a better place.
And I've allowed no time for the things that make me happy like my writing.
I think I've been too afraid that I've lost that part of me that's a bard.
Anyway.
Maybe my writing will help Xena's baby figure out who he or she really is.
Well, it looks like my work here is done.
-Wait.
-What? -You got a lot of catching up to do.
-Thank you.
Don't thank me yet.
Wait till ya get my bill.
And the day ended as it began.
Alongside my friends.
You know, I gotta tell ya, I am feeling a whole lot better.
I mean, life's pretty sweet for me right now.
I've got no cooking, no cleaning and backrubs for a month.
Technically, you didn't lose your temper.
But Xena, I saw you throwing pies in a less-than-loving manner.
Much less.
Loving.
Yep, loving.
That's me.
Who threw that pie?!