Alfred Hitchcock Presents s05e12 Episode Script

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
A dear friend invited me to this picnic, but he doesn't seem to be around.
I seldom go on safaris of this kind.
They can be simulated perfectly in your own home, thanks to these two shakers.
You just sprinkle these on your sandwiches.
This one contains sand, and this one, ants.
Ah, the reason for my invitation is now obvious.
Rattlesnake steaks.
In the original package.
While I attempt to unravel this mystery, we have one for you to puzzle over.
Here it is.
Shouldn't we go slower, Mr.
Laffler? Oh, come on, come on.
But you're out of breath.
Now, wait here, I'll try and find a taxi.
Oh, don't make that disgusting noise! There are no taxis here, come on.
And I'm not out of breath.
It's the excitement.
It always happens.
It's hard to imagine the office is only five blocks away.
When I enter this street, the whole city ceases to exist.
Look, there it is! You mean, this is the restaurant you've been telling me about? You mustn't judge by appearances.
It isn't only a restaurant.
It's a club.
The only club of its kind in the world.
Come along.
Beyond this door, we leave behind us the vulgarity of our times.
Two qualities are missing from this day and age, mystery and dignity.
Especially mystery.
Inside, they are both restored to us.
Do I sound pompous? Of course, you'll say no, since I'm your employer.
Good evening, sir.
Mr.
Laffler and guest.
Let me take your coat.
You make me feel as if we're going into a temple, not a restaurant.
In a sense we are.
I hope you're not being facetious.
You do realize what a privilege it is to be invited to eat here.
Oh, I do.
I'm so sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.
Good evening, sir.
Good evening.
Ah, Henline.
Eating alone tonight? Where's Jackson? Resigned.
Resigned! But he's just been elected a life member.
Good evening, sir.
Oh, Costain, come here.
I want you to meet Mr.
Lum Fong Ho, one of our vice presidents.
Mr.
Costain, a business associate of mine.
How do you do, sir? Mr.
Lum Fong Ho is from Singapore.
I make three visits a year from Singapore just to eat here.
Bon appetit.
Well, what do you think of our little club? Plenty of atmosphere, anyway.
Are there many members? Exactly 40.
No, only 39, now that Jackson's resigned.
Can't understand it.
Suppose it must be true.
Yes, there's his picture, on the wall.
Jackson's the puffy one, at the end.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you wish to dine now? Is the specialty of the house being served tonight? I am so sorry, sir.
Not tonight.
I've waited so long now.
So has everyone else, sir.
Soon, I imagine, we shall have our patience rewarded.
Oh, I hope so.
Hope so.
Very well.
You can start serving.
Yes, sir.
Don't you have menus? My dear boy, when you have studied the art of fine eating as long and as vigorously as I have, you won't trouble with menus.
Some printer prints or some headwaiter writes words on a card, what do they mean? Sauce Mornay, the menu tells us.
Who can say with what love and care the Bechamel was prepared, from which the Mornay is derived? Who can say with what tenderness the cheese was grated? Who can say whether the result will be a delight, or a disappointment? Here, at Spirro's, we have no doubts, we ask no questions.
We only know that there is a genius in the kitchen.
I know good food when I taste it, Mr.
Laffler.
I know you do, my boy.
That's why it's such fun to introduce you to Spirro's.
What are we going to have? I can't tell you that.
Spirro offers no choice.
We all eat the same meal.
All I can tell you is that it will be extraordinary.
Is it different every night? Always different, always superb.
What happens if a member of the club doesn't like a particular dish being served on a certain evening? As my mother used to say "We eat what's set before us, and we like it.
" Ah.
I'm sorry I can't offer you a cocktail.
We only drink wine here, you know.
No spirits.
It's not what I'd hoped, I wanted so much to introduce you to Spirro's masterpiece.
I don't want to presume Mr.
Laffler, but perhaps when the specialty of the house is being served, you'll invite me again.
One never knows when, that's the trouble.
One never knows.
Eat your soup.
Very good.
You don't find it good at all.
You find it flat.
I know, because when I was first permitted to join the club a few months ago, I felt exactly the same about it.
I just think it could use a little salt.
No salt.
No salt.
Keep the palate pure.
We don't allow any condiments here.
Not even salt.
At Spirro's the taste buds are refined to the ultimate degree.
Spirro says that Here comes, the main course.
Didn't you enjoy your soup? I must admit, it did have an unusual flavor.
Very good.
Can't possibly compare to the specialty of the house.
And what would that specialty be? Nightingales tongues on brochette? Filet of Unicorn? Lamb Amirstan.
I've never heard of it.
Of course, you haven't.
Very fine, but not Lamb Amirstan.
However, perhaps you are free tomorrow night? Yes, sir.
Oh, Miss Hinkle, I shan't be able to make it for dinner tonight.
I'm terribly sorry.
Something unexpected came up, I suppose.
Yes, Mr.
Laffler wants to go over some new accounts with me.
Oh, yes.
I understand.
It's quite all right.
Business before pleasure.
Miss Hinkle, you will get out the invoice for the Brussels shipment before you leave, won't you? I'm just finishing it now, Mr.
Laffler.
Good, good.
And leave it on my desk.
And you can lock up.
Are you ready, Costain? Waiting for you, sir.
We don't want to be late, you know.
Tonight could be the night.
But I'm not at all disappointed, Mr.
Laffler.
This is the most extraordinary meal I've ever eaten.
It was not Lamb Amirstan.
What is this lamb you're so keen on? Keen on! We crave it! All of us here.
Well, where does it come from? According to Spirro, Amirstan is a desolate plateau on the borders of Uganda, in Africa.
Here, a small but superb flock of sheep graze on the delicate grasses which are only to be found there, and which give the lamb its incredible flavor.
I can't say I've ever heard of it.
Of course you can't.
This is the only restaurant in the world where you can get it.
The only one in the world.
And do all these men feel the same way about it? Yes.
We all feel the same about Lamb Amirstan.
Sort of an obsession.
I have two other obsessions.
One of them is to become a life member of the club.
The other, to see the kitchens in which these miracles are performed.
Oh, why don't you ask Spirro? I have.
Many times.
I've always been refused.
Doesn't like anybody poking about in his pots and pans, I suppose.
What sort of fellow is he? Where does he come from? Good evening.
Spirro! Good evening.
I think we shall be having the specialty of the house very soon, my friend.
Spirro, I have a request.
Oh, I couldn't possibly No, no.
It's about the club.
Our little club pleases you? That's putting it mildly! I suppose, there's no chance of my becoming a member? Who can say? But we have here a very long period of Probation? Testing.
Sometimes months.
I'd be glad to wait.
He has nice manners, your friend.
Yes, I'm going to put him in charge of my office.
I must have someone to look after it, while I'm away.
Mr.
Laffler He is modest, too.
From the high priestess of our kitchen, that is praise indeed.
He flatters me.
I merely supervise.
The only dish I prepare personally is the Lamb Amirstan.
I've been preparing it now for three days.
Oh.
There is a marinating process, you understand.
Ah.
I've heard a great deal about it.
And it lives up to its reputation, doesn't it? It does indeed.
I'd really like to see how you make it.
Costain! You must forgive my friend, he doesn't understand.
Don't be angry with him.
I am not too angry.
Will you return tomorrow night? If I may.
The specialty should be ready.
You invite him? But he isn't a member! Your friend is always welcome.
Mr.
Laffler.
Go away! But Spirro said they're serving the specialty of the house tonight.
I don't want you here! Go away.
Why? Why not? Why should I share it with you! There'll be less for me! Less for the other members.
Then I shall go in by myself.
They won't let you in.
Spirro will let me in.
Costain, I order you to go away.
Go back! Sir? Mr.
Laffler.
Let me in! Spirro! Let me in.
Ah, Mr.
Costain.
Mr.
Laffler's friend.
Let him in.
First come, first served.
Follow me.
No, no, me first.
No, more, more.
I'm sorry, sir.
You know the rules.
Well, now you know where we keep the Amsterdam accounts.
Now, in this file, you have the Far Eastern contracts.
You better ask Miss Hinkle to give you the address of the firms in Mexico and Canada we do business with.
I've already checked on those, Mr.
Laffler.
Oh.
I'll only be away a month, and perhaps I'll be back sooner.
I hope you will, sir.
But meanwhile, I'm sure I can leave everything safely in your hands.
Oh, you may, sir.
I trust you completely.
These last few weeks eating together at Spirro's seem to have brought us very close.
Yes, sir.
These are the keys.
This is the combination of the safe.
And how can I get in touch with you, sir? You'll find my itinerary on the desk.
Now then, shall I take the bags with me now? No, we'll leave them here and we'll pick them up after dinner.
Come on, I want to have time to enjoy my last meal at Spirro's.
Well, my last meal for a few weeks.
I must get off a memorandum to that London office about that shipment of boxide we're getting, and it must go tonight.
I'll join you as quickly as I can.
By the way, I haven't told you, my application for life membership at Spirro's has been favorably received.
Oh, congratulations, sir.
I've got another surprise for you.
I've persuaded Spirro, to make you a member.
I'm really very grateful, sir.
Well, I thought you'd be pleased.
Oh, yes, very.
Good.
Well, don't be long.
Goodbye, Miss Hinkle.
Goodbye, sir.
Oh, Miss Hinkle.
There's one more thing I'd like you to do for me tonight, a memorandum to London.
I'll dictate it now and you can type it in the morning.
Very well, Mr.
Costain.
Oh, by the way Miss Hinkle, I'll be using this office.
Hello, Costain speaking.
Oh yes, Spirro.
No, I haven't forgotten.
Help! He hit his head on the pavement.
We'd better call the police.
No! No.
No, not the police, Spirro would not like it.
Spiro wouldn't? Why not? What happened? Oh, sir, I don't know.
I I was hurrying so as not to be late for work.
This man, he jumped on me.
He wanted my money.
I don't know why.
So, you have saved my life.
Nonsense.
Now, you'd better wash up and get ready for work.
Oh, good evening, Henline.
Good evening.
I hear you're off on a trip tonight? Yes, I was going to inspect our branches abroad.
Oh, we will miss you.
Oh, how kind of you to say so.
Mr.
Laffler and Mr.
Henline.
My friend, the young man Costain, will arrive later.
Personally, I'm not looking forward to the trip, I always hate eating in strange restaurants.
Our food here surpasses anything in the world.
I quite agree.
Will you excuse me? It's my last evening before I go, and I'm sure that Spirro will have a special treat for me.
Oh, Paul, how you feeling now, eh? Oh, I am so grateful to you, sir.
I will never forget it.
No, nonsense.
Don't give it another thought.
The specialty of the house is being served again tonight, isn't it? I am terribly sorry, sir.
Not tonight.
That's monstrous! Send Spirro to me at once.
Yes, sir.
Good evening, Spirro.
Oh, Mr.
Costain.
Good evening.
Oh, you brought it.
Good.
Excuse me.
Mr.
Laffler wishes to see you at once.
He is very upset.
Excuse me.
What is it, Mr.
Laffler? Spirro, you knew I was going away.
But you will be back.
That's not the point.
You knew I was going away on this tiresome journey, you might at least have had the lamb for me on my last evening.
Oh, it must be an oversight on the part of the chef.
Come with me into the kitchen.
Let us see what we can do about it.
I beg you sir, do not go into the kitchen.
Out of my way, you idiot.
I've been waiting for this chance for months! Oh.
Where's the chef? In there.
Oh, it's superb.
Just as I imagined it.
May I May I look around? Ah.
May I? The chef is waiting for you.
Wouldn't you like to meet him? Yes, indeed.
I want to offer him my heartfelt congratulations.
How do you do? Ah! How well he looks there among our other absent friends.
I shall be expecting you to dine with us more often now that Mr.
Laffler is away.
And perhaps we shall have the specialty of the house again soon? Next week, maybe? It takes time to prepare, but I think I think I can promise you.
I trust you understand, that having Mrs.
Spirro on our program does not necessarily constitute an endorsement of her or her restaurant.
You know, I'm wondering if picnics may not be as bad as I imagined.
I haven't even seen any ants.
Until next time, when I shall return with another story.
Goodnight.