Boston Legal s05e12 Episode Script

- Previously on Boston Legal.
- What is this? - It says the firm is going broke.
- The firm is going broke? Did I know this and forget? The early stages of Alzheimer's.
We're not talking about precursors anymore.
There's a drug called dimebolin, something like that.
You can't have it.
It's not F.
D.
A.
Approved.
Even a dying patient has no constitutional right to experimental treatment.
- So now what? - We go to the state supreme court.
- They said no.
- Any appeal? - Well, to the U.
S.
Supreme Court.
- Will you marry me? - I would love to marry you.
- We're going back to the Supreme Court! - Oh! - Supreme Court! Supreme Court! Supreme Court! - Oh.
- What's up? They've reached a tentative deal - and they need us to sign off before- - We merged? - Evidently.
We'll know more in a second.
- Where are we going? - Twenty-eighth floor.
They're all waiting.
- Ooh.
Well, where's Edwin? - Doesn't he have to sign off? - I'm told he was called.
What does this mean to us? Or specifically, me? I don't know the details, Denny.
Let's just hear what they have to say.
- What the hell is this? - [Chattering.]
Shirley Schmidt and Denny Crane, I'd like you to meet Hyung Lee and Zhu Chang.
- Hello.
- They're all Chinese.
Denny, Mr.
Chang is the C.
E.
O of the Tsu-Chang International Group.
They've recently acquired Finlay Crevette, a law firm you know well.
They are now expanding to acquire Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
- What are you talking about? - I thought we were merging with Finlay.
Yes.
Finlay is now really Tsu International.
- Any of you yahoos speak English? - I speak English, Mr.
Crane.
Oh, good for you.
Who are these guys? Denny, your abrupt litigation style is legendary.
You need not put it on display.
Are you telling me we're being bought out by the Chinese? The good news is they intend to keep on most of the attorneys here.
So as transitions go- Yeah, I've seen their transitions in Tibet.
I'm not a fan.
We're not selling out to a bunch of commies.
- Denny- - How dare you! What, you're not a bunch of commies? You're not getting my firm! [Shouting In Chinese.]
What? What? What? War talk? Bring it on! [Chinese.]
- [Shouting In Chinese.]
- [Denny.]
Oh, really? [Paul.]
Denny! Denny! Denny! Denny! Denny! Denny! - [Funk.]
- [Man Vocalizing.]
[Man.]
Uh-huh - All right - Boom.
Come on [Lips Pop.]
Come on All right Well, yeah Well, yeah Outlaw [Sighs.]
I think I've managed to smooth things over.
This deal- Paul, why didn't you tell me who you were negotiating with? It's an extremely reputable group, Shirley not to mention liquid.
- Which in this economy- - It's Chinese.
Do you know how many businesses in this country are owned and operated by- We don't have to be one of them.
Shirley, we don't have any other bidders.
We have about three weeks before we can't make payroll.
Paul, this firm is my legacy.
My name is on the plaque.
And I don't have to remind you of China's track record on human rights.
You're talking about the government.
This is a private company.
- There have to be alternatives.
- There aren't.
[Phone Rings.]
- [Beeps.]
- Shirley Schmidt.
What? What's the address? - Okay.
Thank you.
- [Beeps.]
[Sighs.]
Denny's been arrested.
What? It's 1:00 in the morning.
[Sighs.]
[Sirens Wailing.]
[Speaking, Indistinct.]
- I noticed that- - Shirley Schmidt and Paul Lewiston.
We represent Denny Crane.
Where is he? - The den.
- What happened? He broke in and sexually assaulted the woman who resides here.
- What? - Sexually assaulted her? He climbed into her bed while she was sleeping.
She broke free, called us.
- [Shirley.]
Denny? - I called Alan.
Couldn't get him.
- Denny, what have you done? - Well, this is just a misunderstanding.
This is Penelope Kimball's house.
She's a friend, a neighbor.
We have a kind of flirty relationship.
I thought I'd give her a Christmas surprise.
- I surprised her too much, I guess.
- You climbed into her bed? Well, I thought she'd like it.
We have a kind of chemistry.
Not anymore, you don't.
Well, couldn't I just apologize to her and go home? I don't think it's going to be that easy.
You're being charged with breaking and entering and sexual assault.
Oh, please.
Who do I make the check out to? Denny.
You are in serious trouble here.
Are you kidding me? - Oh, please.
Everybody's overreacting.
- Overreacting? You broke into a woman's house in the middle of the night, climbing into her bed naked! - I do that all the time! - Denny! Look, I didn't break in.
The kitchen door was open.
She's a friend.
And as for being naked, I thought I was saving a little time.
Look, the last time she and I spoke we talked about Christmas and the gifts and economy.
And I said, "This year, I'm going as the little drummer boy.
Instead of presents, I'm gonna show up and play my little instrument.
" And she said, "Oh, I'd like that.
" And I mistook that for an invitation of sorts.
Sorry.
Denny, we are scheduled to go before the Supreme Court on Friday.
- Alan, we've got bigger problems than that.
- What? We're being bought- We are being bought out by the Chinese.
- What are you talking about? - It's very hush-hush.
But I'm telling you.
A Chinese company has reached an agreement in principle to buy us.
This place last night was crawling with Chinese.
Ho Chi Minh City, I kid you not.
Why would a Chinese company want to buy an American law firm? They're buying everything.
They're taking over.
Listen, how could you have not been kept in the loop on this? I was told they were a parent company of Finlay.
I had no idea.
- Carl, I want to stop it.
- Can we? The only thing I can think of is an injunction.
- Trying to block it on public policy grounds.
- Public policy? Well, it can't be a good thing for Chinese corporations to be scooping up American law firms.
It's definitely not good for us.
Well, all in all, we picked a really bad week to get married.
Ms.
Schmidt, I'm Penelope Kimball.
We didn't actually get to meet last night.
No.
Carl Sack, this is Penelope Kimball.
- Mmm.
- She was the victim of Denny's- - Ah.
- Last night.
Please sit.
You know, I feel really, really terrible about all of this.
Well, we all do.
Um, Denny's maintaining it was some sort of misunderstanding.
Is that possible? Denny didn't seem to understand anything last night.
What do you mean? He seemed extremely disoriented and confused.
It- It wasn't- It didn't seem like an assault of any kind so much as- He seemed really, really confused like he didn't really know where he was.
That's ridiculous.
I was in Penelope Kimball's bed Iooking to play my instrument.
She's a very sexy lady.
You should be glad I didn't climb into yours.
- Denny, there's no point in lying to us.
- I am not! Denny, look at me.
Tell me what happened last night.
I told you already.
Denny- I don't know what happened.
All of a sudden the police were there and I was in the wrong house.
And I wasn't wearing anything.
I don't know what happened.
I remember being upset at home.
I couldn't sleep.
I was so worried about the communist invasion.
Next thing, I'm naked and I'm talking to police officers.
I don't even remember talking to Penelope.
- I want that drug.
- We'll go to the Supreme Court on Friday.
The question becomes, if they refused to hear almost exactly the same case before - why are they suddenly doing so now? - I don't know.
It's a bit daunting being in a room with them.
- Even when they're just cutout posters.
- How are we doing? Well, there's no constitutional right to experimental treatment.
We're gonna have to locate authority elsewhere.
- What about right to privacy? Can we extend my analysis? - You can.
But it's been tried before and rejected.
Medical self-defense? Also tried with marijuana for medicinal purposes.
Also rejected.
What have you got? We're still looking.
Alan, there are rumors about the firm being sold.
I don't have time for rumors right now, Jerry.
[Raspberries.]
Look, Shirley, no one likes it.
- Why can't you get a line of credit to make payroll? - Line of credit? Have you been living on this planet? Credit? We have assets into the millions.
And liabilities in the 10s of millions.
So you just make a deal with the devil? - They are not the devil.
- Yes, they are.
- Because they're Chinese? - Yes! - You're a bigot.
- I'm entitled to my opinion.
I realize I wouldn't be if I were in China.
- You are out of line.
- Paul, if this merger goes through, I will- Make your case to the partners.
- I will take my name off the firm.
- Your name is firm property.
- You do not own it.
- I'll go to court.
Fine.
I'll wave to you from the other side.
- Paul- - [Door Slams.]
- Thanks for having my back.
- Shirley dear, if you expect to have any success with either the partners or in court you're gonna have to check your prejudice at the door.
I have no problem with the Chinese people or Chinese Americans but the government, which a lot of these companies are- Yes.
You know what? I think you should check your anger at the door too.
I spoke to the D.
A.
, and they're dropping the charges against you.
- How did you do that? - Well, it wasn't difficult, really.
Penelope also spoke to them, so- Oh.
Deep down that woman wants me.
Do not go there tonight.
Thank you, Alan.
Alan, I wanna ask you something, and you may think this is crazy.
- But I want you to think about it.
- Okay.
[Chuckles.]
Will you marry me? I know the sex is lousy.
But it's legal in Massachusetts- same-sex marriage.
And there are going to be decisions ahead medical decisions that a spouse gets to make if I should become- Denny, you can stipulate that in a living will or by proxy.
- We don't need to get married.
- There are other reasons.
Last night I climbed into a neighbor's bed.
And I shot a few Chinese, although I don't apologize for that.
- How many times have I been arrested? - A lot.
And the odds on my getting arrested again for who knows what? - I need to be able to tell you things.
- But you can always- Let-Let me finish first.
Although I know you'd resist, the police could subpoena you and try and force you to reveal whatever I tell you.
- I'd never- - You could be held in contempt if you refused.
You could end up in jail.
On the other hand, if you had spousal privilege I could talk to you without worrying about you incriminating yourself later.
- Denny- - For my peace of mind the little piece I have left, l- - Let's be serious.
- And I can transfer property to you without paying gift tax.
[Chuckles.]
And since the rate is a hundred percent- Denny, what we've got now is so great.
Why ruin it with marriage? - Who knows how long I have left? - You have a long time left.
We're going to the Supreme Court, and we're getting you that drug.
- Seymour.
- Aye.
- Zinberg.
- Aye.
- Kennedy.
- Aye.
- Underwood.
- Aye.
- Evans.
- Aye.
- Smith.
- Nay.
- Xavier.
- Aye.
- Espenson.
- [Lips Pop.]
Nay.
- Adams.
- Aye.
- Reid.
- Nay.
- Thomason.
- Aye.
- Sack.
- Nay.
- Schmidt.
- Nay.
Okay.
We've got 21 ayes and six nays.
The nays have it.
- The motion to approve the merger- - The nays have it.
- The merger has been approved.
- I'll get an injunction.
- We can get injunctions on our own, Shirley.
- Take your shot, Paul.
Shirley, there are many ways to go out.
On your ass isn't one of the better ones.
You might keep that in mind, Paul.
[Chattering.]
[Shouting.]
- Denny, come on.
- Are you for this merger, Carl? No.
But this is a bit of a duress still.
We don't want assistants and secretaries losing their homes.
God forbid you should have to sell your Gulfstream.
- Is Shirley going to court? - She is.
- I'm coming with.
- Well- - My name is on the door too.
- But we have to present a rational front.
Give it to me.
Okay, thank you.
Am I not supposed to see you before the big day? - [Chuckles.]
You're not the groom.
- Still time.
I'm coming with you to fight the Chinese.
- Oh, no, Den- No, no.
No.
- Shirley, my absence will be conspicuous.
And much appreciated by all.
I won't shoot anybody.
I'll- I'll keep my clothes on.
I'll- Well, I won't shoot anybody.
- Denny, I can't take the risk.
- Shirley, I'll behave.
I belong at your side.
I'm a name partner.
- God, you're beautiful.
- Thank you.
I'm going to pack my trial bag.
[Chattering.]
[Together.]
Hey! Hey! Yes! Yes! Don't tell me.
You love Katie.
A federal case in Newark recently granted a plaintiff the right to use an experimental drug.
It's the most recent case on point.
I found it.
Katie helped.
It's not binding, but it could explain why the Supreme Court agreed to hear us.
- A new case? - I found it.
Katie helped.
[Lips Pop.]
New case.
I found it.
Wait a second.
You're here representing Crane, Poole & Schmidt? - And you're here- - Also representing Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
And I would remind the court I'm Schmidt.
Your Honor, the partnership voted overwhelmingly to approve this merger.
It is lawful.
It is pursuant to a valid partnership agreement entered into by Ms.
Schmidt.
- And it is against public policy.
- [Judge.]
Why? To have a business acquired by Chinese interests? You're a little late on the protest wagon, if that's what you're talking about.
Your Honor, it is one thing for them to acquire manufacturing and software companies.
It's quite another to allow them to have a death grip on our law firms which- - Death grip? - Which are in the business of safeguarding - our individual liberties and- - Hey, counsel.
- This does not scare you? - Shame on you.
[Judge Fudd.]
Hold on.
The law's the law.
The Chinese buy companies here, well, they have to play by our rules.
And if they don't want to play by our rules what more effective, insidious way to circumvent our laws than to gain control of America's law firms.
- Your Honor, this is just outrageous.
- May I finish? Shirley? China is a lovely country.
I've always wanted to visit their walls.
But the idea of China coming here is terrifying.
I'm sorry.
Their record on human rights is atrocious.
They do not support freedom of speech, freedom of religion.
They do support Sudan which enables them to contribute to the genocide in Darfur.
They turn a blind eye to female infanticide.
They force abortion.
They practice torture.
China's economy will overtake ours.
That's not even a question.
They have so much money invested here now.
Add to that the devaluation of our dollar, they practically own us already.
Their goal is to become a civilizational power and they have the wealth to achieve that.
Let them buy up all our lawyers and watch out.
I do not want to fall into their hands.
And by the way, it is folly to think we will control them with our laws.
It is ludicrous to think we'll be tough on their human rights violations.
Because we haven't been.
And why? Because they own us.
As Hillary Clinton said, "How do you get tough with your banker?" L- I understand that the United States may end up working for China one day.
I get that.
It's a new world order.
But as far as law firms go my name is on this one.
My life's work has been to build up- Let them start with someone else's firm.
- Did he rule? - After lunch.
And suppose we lose? Has anybody made it clear how the firm might change? Paul Lewiston says it won't.
Shirley's convinced otherwise.
Jerry was hopping around.
Said he found a new case on point? There was a recent federal court ruling in support of giving experimental drugs.
District court.
So it won't be binding, but it'll help.
I'm also presently trying to get you into one of the clinical trials for dimebolin.
But I'm not confident of that, Denny.
- Have you given any more thought to my idea? - What idea? Marrying you.
We're committed to each other.
Let's make it legal.
L- I didn't mean to get emotional.
It's just- Maybe it's a bad sign that my personal legacy is so tied to my profession instead of- I hardly ever talk to my daughter.
- I don't to my sister.
- We could always start a family.
- [Laughs.]
- Shirley, are you the least bit excited about getting married? Well, of course I am.
Why would you ask that? I mean, most brides are obsessed with their wedding day.
Well, please.
I've had too many of them.
L-I didn't mean for it to sound that way.
Do you want to postpone the ceremony? - No.
No.
Let's just get it over with before l- - [Snickers.]
Hey, I definitely didn't mean for that to sound that way.
This is where I get insecure, and then I want to run back to New York.
Hey, I want to marry you more than anything and I don't want to delay it a single second.
In all of this madness don't let my love for you get lost, okay? Okay.
Judas Priest! Again with the kissing.
Is this for my benefit? No, Denny.
It's for mine.
Do you need something? - Do we have a ruling yet? - No.
Not yet.
We're still wai- [Sighs.]
Thejudge ruled.
Your injunction was denied.
The merger is valid.
Look, Shirley, none of us wanted this to happen.
But we have responsibilities to others.
And like it or not this firm is bigger than all of us.
- Thank you for joining.
- [Speaking Chinese.]
- Obviously your remarks about China are deeply disturbing.
- [Chinese.]
At a time when China's embracing capitalism and American ideals we expect it to be welcomed more graciously.
- Mr.
Chang, uh, the dirty little secret on China- - [Chinese.]
- Is the capitalism you so embrace- - [Chinese.]
Consists primarily of state-owned enterprises.
Many of these companies, including this one, are not really all that private.
They are often tied to your government.
There's nothing American about that idea.
[Chinese.]
[Chinese.]
- Many of your banks today are owned by your government.
- [Chinese.]
Our hope is that you would remain with Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
We now have deep concerns over whether you will serve our interests with fidelity.
- [Chinese.]
- If you feel you cannot we would appreciate you acting with honor and submitting your resignation.
You'll have my resignation by the end of business.
[Chinese.]
Since we're being honorable would you do me the courtesy of removing my good name from these walls? [Chinese.]
Bitch.
- You quit? - Carl, I just can't do this- No.
Whoa, whoa.
First of all, you never make this kind of decision when you're emotional.
And second, Shirley, there are a lot of people around here who now more than ever are gonna be looking to you for reassurance.
- This is not how a leader reacts.
- You can lead.
No, I can't.
I don't enjoy the kind of loyalty you do here.
We certainly don't want Denny in charge.
Do not be submitting your resignation.
At least not yet.
Oh, gee.
It's Laurel and Hardy.
Ms.
Schmidt, you have been very rude to us.
We will not respond in kind.
Mr.
Sack, may we meet with you, please? I would submit there are four factors the Court must look at.
First- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't get to tell us what we must do.
Sorry.
- Start again.
- Jerry, which justice are you playing? Hmm.
I was kind of a composite.
Okay.
I would like the Court to consider four factors in determining whether my client qualifies for the compassion exception to the ban on experimental drugs.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You've come to the Supreme Court looking for compassion? [Laughs.]
Boy, did you walk into the wrong room, I tell ya.
Jerry, they won't do that.
Can you lose the cigarette and play it straight? This is kind of an important case.
What's going on? Am I already dead? Effective as ofJanuary 1 the litigation department of Crane, Poole & Schmidt is being replaced.
[Laughing.]
What are you talking about? We've all been fired? "Fired" is such an ugly word, Alan.
An accurate one.
- But- - [Shirley.]
I am sorry.
This is no doubt because I antagonized them.
Fired? All of us? - Even me? - Especially you.
They fired you twice.
[Man.]
There you go.
[Denny.]
We've been dead before.
Then suddenly, like from the planet Mars, life.
We could just start a new firm.
But frankly, I don't think I have the energy or the will.
Never surrender, Shirley.
Especially to a bunch of commies.
It's not about surrendering, Denny.
It's just that it's time for me to marry a man I love and start a real life.
L- I mean him.
Look, if you could permit an old lady to peddle some advice whatever you do next, make sure it's something you love.
A life, professional or personal- without passion, you're dead.
Jerry, this can be the start of a good thing.
I just don't do well with good-byes.
Look, we are going to come through this and we will do that by focusing on what's immediately ahead of us.
For me, that's my wedding, which is Saturday at St.
Christopher's.
You are all, of course, invited.
- We're keeping it fairly small.
- [Denny.]
That's rushing it, isn't it? - You just got engaged.
- I'm knocked up, Denny.
- [Gasps.]
- Kidding.
Kidding.
As for the four of you you must concentrate all your focus and energy on the Supreme Court argument.
- How do you stand? - I found a new case on point.
Katie helped.
There is precedent for allowing an experimental drug.
Alan? You're very quiet.
- We'll be ready by Friday.
- What are you thinking about? I think we should fire them.
- Excuse me? - Our new bosses.
It's not right that they fired us.
I think we should fire them.
I know you're good.
But exactly how would that work? [Mutters.]
We get us a meeting.
Now, look, I know there's a lot riding on this meeting.
But I want everyone to just take a deep breath and stay calm.
Alan can handle it.
Can't you, Alan? Larry Storch played Agarn, right? On F Troop.
Yes.
- What's F Troop? - I loved F Troop.
- Dear Lord.
- [Elevator Bell Dings.]
Greetings, our Chinese carpetbaggers.
I'm told it's customary to bow.
- That's theJapanese.
- Greetings.
Good to see you.
Yes.
Hello.
Good to see you.
Greetings.
Yes.
Oh, love the tie.
Greetings.
Yes.
Hello.
Good to see you.
Greetings.
Yes.
Okay, this concludes the bowing and kowtowing portion of the presentation.
I'm told we need an interpreter.
Who would that be? Actually, Mr.
Shore, almost everybody here can understand English.
And since this is a unilateral presentation, why don't you just talk? Excellent.
We didn't allow time for you to speak anyway.
I'm having second thoughts about that tie though.
Oh, good.
He does understand.
So where to begin? How about, welcome to Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
I'm afraid you're all fired.
Nothing personal.
You seem like fine folk.
Love the discipline, the 10,000 drummers.
But it's not working out.
So sorry.
Out you go.
- Single file, please.
Move along.
Bye-bye.
- [Chattering In Chinese.]
- Mr.
Shore, we now own the firm.
- That doesn't much matter, Mr.
- - Lee.
- Lee.
Yes.
This is America.
And in America, it all comes down to who the jury likes better.
And I don't think an American jury will side with the Communists.
Do you? Juries typically frown on oppressors, even when they're capitalists.
- So the idea of China- - On what grounds could you possibly prevail? Grounds? Who cares about grounds? Cases always come down to who the jury likes better.
Did I not just say this? I think I did.
So anyway, meet the group.
We're a fine, very likable group.
Infectious smiles.
Smile, group.
And best of all, bad for you, we're very good.
Did you check out our win/loss record? Good for us, bad for you.
More importantly, did you note the kinds of cases that we argue week to week? Typically preposterous, mostly unwinnable on their face.
And yet we win them, whether we have grounds or not.
Must be the smiles.
Smile, group.
And here we actually do have grounds.
For you to summarily "Schmidtcan" an entire litigation department a successful one, no less, because, well- because I guess you don't like us.
It seems arbitrary, capricious, actionable, winnable of all things.
It doesn't really seem fair, does it for us to have both the merits and the smiles.
Smile, group.
But we do.
A wrongful discharge, subject to compensatory and punitive damages could be lots and lots of money.
Not to mention, think of the fallout here at the firm.
We're notjust good litigators.
We're popular.
Again, could be the smiles.
And you firing us, that would be a terrible, terrible way to introduce yourselves.
I mean, Denny Crane, Shirley Schmidt? You must be joking.
I know how the Chinese love to kid like with the, uh, tanks in the Square, or the monks in Tibet, or daughters.
But you could have a mass exodus oflawyers long before we even get to trial, which we will, of course, get to just the same.
And when we do, take caution.
Here's a little tip.
We Americans love to trade on fear.
Ask W.
Ask Dick.
Ask Rummy.
Fear sells.
Fear works.
The fear I'll be trading on is China, Communist China.
Taking ourjobs.
First over there, then over here.
Where you once were passive investors, now you want active control.
That scares Americans.
Active Communists made in China seeking control.
Oh, scary! One last thought.
We're giant slayers here.
It's what we do.
Be it the United States government, big pharmaceutical.
Big Tobacco.
Big Oil.
It never gets old.
And just when it seemed we were fresh out of bigs, along came you- China.
The poster child for big.
Oh! To parade you in front of an American jury- Well, here's your out.
We'll agree not to fire you, not to sue, on one condition.
We stay, and we stay in charge.
Do what you want with corporate or tax.
But in litigation, we run the show.
Shirley Schmidt, Denny Crane, Carl Sack, Jerry Espenson, Katie Lloyd, me.
It's our party.
Stay out of our way, we'll stay out of yours.
That is the deal.
[Laughing.]
Not sure you got the desired effect there, Al.
[Applause Continues.]
My father used to say, "After watching the Bruins with Bobby Orr it just wasn't the same after.
" I think I'll feel that way about watching Alan Shore practice law.
There will never be anyone ever like him.
- If we break up- - Do I need to reach for the oilcan? [Chuckles.]
Are we still on for dinner? Yes.
This will be, like, our third date, Jerry.
- Hello.
Welcome.
Hello.
- Relax.
We don't need to kiss.
They have decided to reinstate us.
Evidently, they agree it would send a bad message to summarily broom us.
- Which means they probably just plan to do it more gradually.
- [Chuckles.]
Perhaps.
They are bringing in somebody new to oversee the litigation department.
- Who? - I don't know.
But for now, more life from Mars, I guess.
Well, do we even want it, Shirley? We can now leave on our own terms.
Well right now let's concentrate on the Supreme Court.
And my wedding.
And we'll take it from there.
Thank you, Alan.
You-You are really something.
- Usually when women tell me that, it's to get inside my- - Alan! [Sighs.]
See you tomorrow.
It feels good to say that.
How you doing? Better days.
Worse too.
So we live again.
For now.
Hell of a speech, Alan.
- I even listened this time.
- To all of it? - Don't be ridiculous.
- [Laughs.]
[Exhales.]
Denny, I've been thinking about what Shirley said.
- Loving life, loving yourjob.
- We've always done both.
But will we? Under this new regime? If I could do anything I think it would be to open my own legal aid firm.
- What the hell is that? - Well, basically it's a firm where you give your services away for free.
- What's the point? - [Chuckles.]
Denny, in this economy those are gonna be the first services cut- legal aid to the poor.
Oh.
Do you think that I might like poor people? I've never taken the time to know one.
Oh, they can be very nice once you get to know them.
Problem is funding it.
Plus, I must admit I enjoy having money to travel and fish, eat well.
You know where this discussion is headed, don't you? - Where? - Straight to the altar.
- [Chuckles.]
- Alan.
I have more money than God, unless he timed the market.
And I can't give it to you 'cause the government will take half of the gift tax.
And I can't die and leave it to you 'cause of the estate tax.
Don't get me started.
If you were my spouse, I could give it.
I could leave it to you.
What's mine is yours.
Government can't touch it.
Oh, for that matter, you could open a business or start a foundation- In which case, you can't use it for incidentals like travel, fishing.
And the way you go after the government- They already audit you.
They'll find a way to nail you for comingling or malfeasance or whatever.
The cleanest, simplest most efficient transfer of property is marriage.
Plus all those other reasons.
Medical.
Spousal privilege.
Immunity.
[Laughing.]
It's beyond ridiculous, even for us.
[Laughs.]
I've always wanted to remarry before I die.
Really? Why? I just have.
And like it or not you're the man I love.
Think of all the, uh- What do you call them? Poor people? - Yes.
- Think of all the poor people you can help.
Allocating my wealth to them not the Iraq war or the Wall Street bailout.
Take my hand, Alan.
Take my money.
I always thought if I were to get married again it would be for love and romance.
You love me.
Romance never lasts.
Money can.
Okay, Denny.
I will marry you.
- Really? - Why not? I suppose it had to come to this.
- Going to the chapel - It'll be great.
- And we're gonna get married - Yes, it will.
- Ah! - Going to the chapel - Like jumping a shark.
- Hey, how about we do it on the dock of Nimmo Bay? Perfect.
- A salmon in one hand.
- Me in the other.
Let no man tear asunder.
This could be a television series.
- On a new network.
- One that cares.
Alan Shore and Denny Crane, husband and mad cow.
Going to the chapel oflove Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Going to the chapel oflove Yeah, yeah Oh, jingle bells Jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh Make sure as you stand that you face each other.
It's a pet peeve of mine when couples look like they're going off in different directions even during the ceremony.
- You're gonna be giving her away.
- Uh-huh.
And you're obviously the groom.
And that would make you theJew.
Rabbi! Rabbi! Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
I certainly hope you will accept my apology.
Well, may I be really honest, Father? I'm not happy at all with this union.
- Rabbi? - There's a very old joke.
- You know what they call the child of a Jew and Christian? - Here we go.
- A Christian.
- [Laughs.]
Assimilation.
See? Didn't I tell you? - Father.
- Excuse me? Do you know the most oppressed religion in America today? Christianity.
- Father.
- Hear! Hear! It's Christmastime.
You know, Christmas has become verboten.
- You can't even say the word! - Interesting he speaks German.
- What? - Maybe we should all start over.
- I'd like to know what you meant by that.
- Oh, it's nothing personal.
I have a little peeve over how the Catholic Church turned its back on the Holocaust.
- I love it.
A holy war.
- [Priest.]
The Catholic Church has been unwavering in its support of Israel.
- At great risk to America, I might add.
- Father.
Much of the violence directed at our country stems from our support of Israel.
Support which is surely as disproportionate since Israel probably doesn't even need to exist anymore! - Ooh, that should seal it.
- Did you actuallyjust say Israel shouldn't exist? - Rabbi? - Oh, come on, Rabbi.
I mean, it was created as a refuge, a safe haven forJews.
Jews are doing fine now.
So what's the point? It was ugly.
Rabbi stormed out.
The priest refused to give Shirley the use of the church.
Why were you rehearsing on a Wednesday? Don't those things- 'Cause I'm gonna be at the Supreme Court on Friday- - Right.
- Filling a drug prescription.
Check out the hair lip on that clerk.
Denny, do not say anything offensive.
Let's just get this done without incident.
- May I help you? - Yes.
We'd like to apply for a mustache- a marriage license.
- You two are getting married? - Is there a reason we shouldn't? - Other than maybe you and I should get together? - Denny.
We plan on an open-door marriage.
My card.
You're heterosexual.
Are you heterosexual? Is that a problem? He completes me.
- You're getting married? - Is that wrong? - Yes! - Why? - Well, it's a sham, Alan.
- It is not a sham.
Yes.
It is no different than two people who aren't really in love with each other marrying for a green card.
First of all, I love Denny.
I believe he loves me.
And there's no requirement that a couple be in love.
In fact, given the current divorce rate one might say the most insidious problem with marriage is that people make life-altering decisions while in love.
It's a drug- a toxic one at that.
And scientifically proven to wear off.
What's toxic is your cynicism.
I think your little scheme is dishonest.
You've been a little testy of late.
Do all brides get ornery? - I am- - You know, let's just move on, shall we? As you know, the sale of the firm to Tsu International has been finalized.
A new head oflitigation is expected to be appointed ostensibly to watchdog us.
I suddenly like the new direction of the firm.
I have a document for a Mr.
Shore and Mr.
Crane.
I'll take it.
Thank you.
- You've gotta be kidding me.
- What is it? It's notice of an injunction proceeding - seeking to stop Denny and me from getting married.
- What? - That city hall clerk must have ratted us out.
- [Shirley.]
Who's filing? The Massachusetts chapter of the Gay and Lesbian League.
- Excuse me? - Of all the hypocrisy.
Katie, pull up whatever law you can on same-sex marriage.
Jerry and I'll stay focused on the Supreme Court case.
- As if we haven't got enough to do.
- Are we done here? Uh, we have one more item.
The new management has decided to change the name of the firm.
To what? Let me just preface this by saying that personally I want my name off the firm, so- To what? Chang, Poole & Schmidt.
Chang, Poole & Schmidt? I simply don't understand the logic.
Your name has such recognition value.
I've destroyed it, haven't I? My name.
No, you haven't.
You know, half the stuff I do the nonsense with the sex and- It's to appear colorful and larger than life.
To distract people from how truly small I've become.
I'm not about to let you sulk and ruin my wedding day.
We'll open our own firm.
We don't need them.
We'll overturn it! The Supreme Court will never side with the Chinese on this.
No way.
Denny, we're going to the Supreme Court to get the drug.
I know that.
I was just saying.
Well? He now says that he might marry us but not in the church, which is, of course, what I wanted most.
All right.
So we find another church.
Uh, Carl, did you think it was really the smartest idea to bring in that particular rabbi? - What do you mean? - Well, he's a flaming bigot.
- Oh! - I mean, the Catholics are responsible for the Holocaust? He didn't say they were responsible.
He said they turned their backs, which is true.
Can we discuss the priest's little gem? Israel doesn't need to exist? - Well, that's a political argument.
- Political? - Yes.
And many people have expressed it.
- Oh! Palestinians living in Israel will soon outnumber theJews.
The idea of it continuing as a Jewish state- - I can't believe I'm hearing this.
- You've heard it before.
- Not from you! - I'm not supporting the idea.
- Oh, no! But you're defending a priest- - Do not raise your voice at me.
- And you're calling the rabbi a bigot? - Yeah, a big one.
- Really? First the Chinese, now theJews.
Who's next? - You.
Get out.
Oh, with pleasure! So basically, this marriage is all about money.
Judge, I would guess a lot of marriages are.
If you trace the institution to its origins you'll discover that marriage had its roots in economics- not love, money.
- I find it offensive.
- Why? I'll tell you why.
Speaking as a gay man we have had to fight long and hard for this right.
We have suffered ridicule, hatred, gay bashing.
You're preaching to the all-boys choir.
We're with you on that.
- No.
You're making a mockery of it- - We're doing no such thing.
- You're blatant heterosexuals.
- So what? Are you proposing a rule that every couple be sexually active or procreational? 'Cause that one's been used against you.
Your Honor, this is exactly what the religious right and conservative movements have been warning of.
If we allow same-sex marriage, what next? Well, this is what's next.
You will see people exploiting same-sex unions to circumvent- - You hypocrite.
- All right.
He's suggesting we go into some kind of discovery as to why two people want to marry.
- The very kind of invasive legislation- - This does seem a bit cynical.
You are basically wanting to marry Denny Crane to skirt tax laws.
Your Honor, in this day and age, the preservation of wealth is paramount! And I'm sorry.
Before I see Mr.
Crane's money go to fund immoral wars or less moral government bailouts I'd rather see it go to me.
The plans I have for it are far more philanthropic.
And by the way, I love him, okay? I love the man.
He loves me.
We're partners.
To say that we cannot get married because we don't have sex is just as preposterous and bigoted as banning marriage based on who a person chooses to have sex with! He will be fueling the fire to pass a constitutional ban against- You're the one stoking the embers.
For what it's worth, this isn't just about money.
There are medical reasons.
He happens to be suffering from an incurable illness- - You can do that by proxy.
- He doesn't want to! He wants a partner.
- A legal spouse.
- Why? That's his prerogative, his privacy! - Do you seek to invade that too? - All right.
I have heard the arguments.
Let me take an hour and I will decide.
You have no idea what you'll be stirring up.
All right! - Is she not beautiful? - Who is she? Opposing counsel.
She's arguing for the government.
Flying in from Tennessee.
It's all good, Alan.
She's hot.
And doctors say blood flow in any direction is good for my brain.
Are you packed? 'Cause we're going straight from court to the airport.
- Will you stop nagging me? We're not married yet.
- Just get packed.
This is crazy.
Neither of us are very religious people.
We've never even talked about it before.
Why are we letting this nonsense stand in our way? Well, most people don't talk about religion.
And it doesn't enter into our daily lives.
But it is nevertheless a value.
And it's obvious that you and I have different values, Carl.
Religion's not a value.
Spirituality, yes.
Belief in God, okay.
But religion itself? It's a discipline.
One that pretends to be about love, family, and charity too often is a vehicle of hatred and war.
Well, it's stirring up a little war right now between you and me.
- [Groans.]
- And it really pisses me off that it is politically incorrect to celebrate Christmas but you get all your Yom Kippur Rosh Hashanah, Hanukkah, Passover.
My God, you have a gazillion of them.
Paul.
A little bit of good news.
The dreaded monster that they're bringing in to oversee litigation- - Do we know who it is? - We do.
Me.
- Ah.
- For whatever reason, I seem to have their trust.
- Well, that-that is good news.
- Yes.
Is there bad news? Shirley, I don't think I can save Denny.
Well, then it's a moot point fighting for me or Alan or Carl, probablyJerry, maybe Katie.
- If you talked to the others- - I won't.
Shirley, come on.
We've got to face it that Denny- Could get better.
If he gets this drug.
It is showing a lot of promise.
Denny could improve.
All right, look.
I do find this union to be primarily based on money.
I also agree with Mr.
Pinnard- this is the exact kind of exploitation the Christian right and others feared.
But I also recognize people marry for all sorts of reasons.
It's not the government's place to ask why.
Mr.
Pinnard, there are many gays who marry heterosexuals.
Also gays who marry gays of the opposite sex because they want to start a family-be co-parents.
Nothing to do with romantic love.
I hardly think you believe the government should step in and stop that.
Same-sex unions are legal in Massachusetts.
Your motion for an injunction is denied.
- The dock on Nimmo Bay.
- We'll go directly from D.
C.
We're gonna need somebody from Massachusetts to perform the ceremony.
Your Honor, by any chance do you like to fish? - [Speaking Chinese.]
- You can keep the others if you feel it is warranted.
But Denny Crane absolutely must go.
The lawyers here are extremely loyal to him.
- [Chinese.]
- It doesn't matter.
The man is mentally unbalanced.
He is a danger to himself and others, and cannot be allowed to stay.
I will tell you this right now.
I would not want to risk losing Alan Shore.
- [Chinese.]
Alan Shore.
- [Chinese.]
Mr.
Shore needs to be reined in.
We understand he is a brilliant attorney.
- [Chinese.]
- But he is undisciplined.
- And also needs overseeing.
- [Chinese.]
We are not afraid to lose him if we must, in time.
[Alan.]
Denny, shouldn't we just go up to the room? We've got a big day tomorrow.
Not to mention I don't want to look puffy on my wedding day.
Let's get a nightcap.
It'll settle our nerves.
I hear Hillary comes here.
- Denny, she is- - I just want to meet her once before you and l- You know, I think she'd like me.
I have a feeling about us.
- You and Hillary? - Yeah.
We're- - What? - It's her.
Hillary? Uh, wonder girl from Tennessee.
She's at the bar.
- Bet she's staying at the same hotel.
- What are you doing? If I could make her see me as a human being, she'll have mercy on our case tomorrow.
But she won't see you as a human being.
- You'll reveal yourself to be the animal that you are.
- Give me some credit.
- I'm going up to the room.
I've got too much to go over.
- I'll see you up there.
Denny, don't say anything to that woman that she can use against us tomorrow.
I won't.
Double scotch.
Mitch Shoemaker, hello.
It'd be a pleasure to meet you, Mitch, if I had time.
Unfortunately, I don't.
- Thanks.
Whatever she's drinking.
- She's not.
Look, I'm not hitting on you.
I'm old enough to be your grandfather.
In fact, you remind me of my granddaughter.
Have you got a grandpa? Is he in good health? Lot of them aren't.
Mitch, uh- Can I call you Mitch? 'Cause you look more like a Denny to me.
Mmm.
How'd you know? You're very famous.
Well, I won't bore you with my usual nonsense.
You seem like a very nice, young lady.
- I have, um, Alzheimer's disease.
- You're not alone.
Over five million Americans do, including my own grandmother.
So you know.
How can you take the position you're taking if you know? I would think you'd want your grandmother to have dimebolin.
Have you read the data? It helps with cognition, memory.
It could be a lifesaver.
And it's only completed two trials.
There's still a lot of testing that needs to be done.
What stage is she in, your grandma? Three.
Then she's lucid enough to know what you'll be arguing tomorrow.
I'm not going to discuss my family with you, Mr.
Crane.
What I can tell you there's a very human face on every one of those five million people, including you.
And tomorrow, I'll be fighting for all of them including you.
Good night, Mr.
Crane.
I'll see you in the Great Hall.
Oyez, oyez, oyez.
All persons having business before the Honorable- - Do you think they remember us? - How could they not? Look at Ginsburg.
Does the woman not want me? The woman's in heat.
Clarence looks like he wants you too, Denny.
Check out Scalia.
Cheery McChuckles.
Alito looks glad to see us.
God, it's good to be back.
All right, Ms.
Brooks, let's start with you.
Thank you, Mr.
ChiefJustice.
May it please the Court, the right of the terminally ill to use experimental drugs is nowhere guaranteed in our Constitution.
So what? Does every right have to be bestowed by the Constitution? Certainly not, Your Honor.
But in the absence of any law or legislative intent- Come on, counsel.
If this man is dying of an incurable disease why not give him the unapproved drug? - Who does it hurt? - First of all, Mr.
Crane is not necessarily terminal.
You know something about Alzheimer's we don't? I know the disease can take unpredictable courses particularly when it comes to progression.
- And all with the same ending.
- The F.
D.
A.
Bans experimental drug use with good reason.
Because this does not just involve the individual patient.
If untested drugs are suddenly made available people will forgo entering into clinical drug trials.
Promising drugs might not be studied.
And therefore never reach the market.
That hurts- Over five million people have Alzheimer's.
Something tells me we'd have plenty of subjects for clinical trials.
With all due respect, Justice Scalia, if people can simply buy the drug they won't choose to enter into a clinical study where they could risk getting a placebo.
Why shouldn't a person have a right to medical self-defense? This court rejected that right in- In marijuana cases where there were other treatments available.
We let women abort viable fetuses to protect their own lives.
Aperson may shoot an attacker dead in self-defense.
Shouldn't this man be able to take a drug to save himself? Especially if it's his only hope? No.
First of all, dying people are willing to assume any risk including taking dangerous, untested drugs which could kill them sooner.
But again, what's the downside? The downside is clinical trials get shortchanged, interfered with.
The safety and efficacy of these drugs is at stake not to mention millions of lives.
My grandmother has Alzheimer's.
She's one of those five million people.
She sits at home waiting for a cure desperate for F.
D.
A.
Approval, which could very well be delayed by letting- We've seen how pharmaceutical companies work.
It's not about finding cures so much as it is finding markets, selling.
If they get to peddle promising but untested drugs, we all know they'll do it.
Drugs that engender false hopes ones with higher profit margins if they get to skip the testing.
Investors will pump their money into snake oils that dress up well.
This is not a scrupulous industry, Your Honor.
They most certainly don't deserve a pass on clinical trials.
And that is what will effectively happen if untested drugs are okayed by this court.
This woman is good.
Would you forgive a bridezilla going a little nuts during her wedding week? I'm sorry, Carl.
I wanted to get married in a church.
I wanted everything to be so perfect because I'm marrying the greatest man I have ever known and loved.
And do you still want me? Of course I want you.
If you want to raise the kids Jewish, I'm okay with that.
Even with all the gazillions of holidays? [Laughs.]
The only thing I really care about- l-I do want to celebrate Christmas.
But there's one thing I really care about and that is getting to spend the rest of my life with you.
So if you want to elope, let's do it.
I talked to Denny.
He and Alan have a judge.
And they're flying up to Nimmo Bay to get married.
He proposes we join.
Make it a joint ceremony.
Maybe we should.
Oh, yes! I had my heart set on a church.
But failing that, a fishing lodge.
It's not just a fishing lodge, I'm told.
Shirley, we could be married by this time Saturday.
[Chuckles.]
You've certainly come a long way, Mr.
Fuddy-duddy.
[Sighs.]
Golly, who knows how much longer we'll all be together.
Road trip could be fun.
We already have a problem in this country of rushing unsafe drugs to the market.
It's epidemic.
And as soon as we allow patients, especially the desperate ones to exempt drugs from testing, it is going to get exponentially worse.
Fewer people will be saved.
Rather, more will die.
Science trumped by false hope and permissive advertising and- Ms.
Brooks, the red light has been on for some time.
- If I could just add- - No.
You've exceeded your limit.
I think you should get a little band to play people off you know, like the Oscars or the Emmys.
Just a thought.
[Justice Scalia.]
Okay, before we even get started, let's be clear on a few things.
This time, you will conduct yourself in a manner befitting this court.
You will address only the issues before this court and not derail yourself with a spiraling rant that serves no purpose other than- What is that? Oh.
[Laughs.]
I am very sorry.
I have a-a tendency to not notice the little red light.
So I programmed my tie to also alert me when I've been talking too long.
Evidently my tie thinks that you have.
Though personally, l- - Turn it off, right now.
- Yes, sir.
We go way back.
Okay, Mr.
Shore.
Your time is starting right now.
Use it wisely.
Thank you, Mr.
ChiefJustice.
Let me begin by extending a special greeting toJustice Thomas.
Justice Thomas! Still the Chatty Cathy.
Okay.
Where to begin? [Justice Scalia.]
Let's begin with your brief, which was conspicuously thin on case law.
That's because most of the case law doesn't support us.
But let's be honest.
This court isn't that big on precedent anyway.
Am I right? We've had 200 years of the Supreme Court.
Not one found a constitutional right to bear arms.
But you happen to like guns, so what the hell? [Laughs.]
Established case law also tells us that torture and denial of due process are bad.
But evidently you favor both, so on the Guantanamo case, the big never mind.
You people throw out precedent with the morning trash here.
- Mr.
Shore, I'm curious.
- That I didn't know.
What could possibly possess you to want to come in here and be cocky? Do you think this helps your client? Actually, the reason I am a little cocky is because my client, Denny Crane, is the little guy here.
And the Supreme Court of the United States has always always stood up for the little guy.
As they did for Oliver Brown, a black man who fought for his third-grade daughter to be able to go to the same elementary school as her best friend who was white.
Though, of course, this particular Supreme Court has gutted Brown versus Board of Education because precedent, as we said, who needs it? Counsel, I gave you an express directive to stick to this case.
Yes.
Getting to it, Your Honor.
You see, I happen to know the little guy is due in this court.
That's why I'm confident.
The little guy has been taking such a beating of late in this room.
I just know he's due.
Oh.
You think the little guy loses out with us? Don't you? Come on.
Enron, the makers of medical devices, the tobacco industry has done very well here.
This court heard seven antitrust cases in its first two terms and decided all of them in favor of big, corporate defendants.
And of course the biggest player on the block, the government, always seems to win.
And then on the other end of that particular seesaw down there stuck in the mud, we have the losers, the criminal defendants.
Forget it.
My God, just last month you turned down a stay of execution for a Georgia man even though seven of the nine prosecution witnesses recanted.
I guess you just couldn't be bothered with his innocence.
Maybe it was a Friday and you had plans.
Any time you want to weigh in, Justice Thomas, just give me a little wave.
Counsel, I have plans today.
I have a flight booked at 1:00 for a vacation which I have looked forward to for a long, long time.
And I will make that flight, counsel.
- Which means as soon as that red light blinks- - Yes, Your Honor.
I promise, you'll be out of here and on vacation in a jiffy.
And speaking for all Americans, I give you permission to stay away for as long as you like.
But first, there's this matter of the little guy.
He's here in your courtroom.
And he's due for a win.
My client has Alzheimer's.
I know what you're probably thinking.
And you're right.
Denny Crane is hardly a little guy.
He's the very biggest.
He's rich, he's famous he's one of the giants of our profession.
But that isn't really what makes him so- It's his enormous, foolish heart.
It's his boundless generosity.
Denny has a sense of wonder and innocence like a child with all of the world before him.
He has that capacity for sheer joy that most of us somehow lose along the road to adulthood.
Denny is my best friend.
I love him with all my heart.
If I could yank that horrible disease out of his body I would fight it, and I would win.
I would use every ounce of my strength, and I would win if I could- But I can't.
My best friend is dying of an incurable disease that will rob him of himself before it finally robs him of his life.
And I'm sorry, but I don't give a damn what the case law says.
The law- You simply cannot look a dying man in the eye and say "You don't get the right to try to save yourself.
" The law cannot possibly say that.
And if it does it needs to change right now, today- today.
Our problem, Mr.
Shore, we have to safeguard the masses.
Our rulings don't reach people one person at a time.
But why can't they? Make this ruling apply only to Denny Crane if you choose to.
Just make it.
Your Honor deeply embedded in this court, in so many of its holdings is the individual's autonomy and personal dignity.
So tell me, please, explain to me how that can apply here.
Because all I can see is that the indecency of a disease that cripples the body as it rots the brain can only be exceeded by the inhumanity of knowing there's a drug that could help and not letting him have it! Contrary to the public's perception I think when asked, most judges and lawyers would say the reason they first went to law school was simply to help people.
This man I love- my friend- desperately needs your help.
I beg the nine of you to look within yourselves and revisit that question.
Why did you go to law school? Why did you want to sit up there and wear that robe? Because today, this experimental drug isn't really Denny Crane's last best hope-You are.
You are.
[Man Vocalizing.]
Wedding bells are ringing I hear them ting-a-linging [Vocalizing.]
They're ringing and bringing you closer And closer to me I hear the organ playing You know, this is ridiculous.
Yes.
And we wouldn't want it any other way.
There it is.
Nimmo Bay.
- Don't they get snow? - Indian summer.
We're on our honeymoon Our honeymoon We're on our honeymoon Oh, oh Our hon-hon-honeymoon All right, let's not waste time.
I don't want to honeymoon with a salmon.
Heaven on earth.
[Denny.]
Ah, let's send out for some scotch.
Nothing younger than 25 years.
Are there bears here? Isn't this the time of year they look to fatten up? [SoftJazz.]
This really is beautiful.
I'm afraid of it, but it's beautiful.
- What are you afraid of? - Oh, you name it.
The water, the woods, Canada.
Stop it.
- [Laughs.]
- This is your vacation? - He brought his hunting buddy.
- Where's the Secret Service? - [Alan.]
Your Honor, this is fate.
You must admit.
- Don't talk to me.
I won't.
I promise.
If I could just ask you one little thing.
I mean, it can't be ex parte.
We're on the dock.
Could you look any sillier? I know you can.
But have you had an opportunity to think about that little favor I sought to curry in court? It's just that I'm dying to know.
Denny is, actually.
On Monday, the Court will issue a one-line memo granting you the use of the experimental drug.
You mean it? I'm cured! I couldjust hug you.
May I? - I'll have you jailed! - Your Honor, I truly- I don't know what to say.
I feel- - May I call you Nino? Because- - You may not! I've always heard you were a compassionate man.
Now I know it.
- [Alan Laughs.]
- I came up here to fish.
If you'll excuse me.
Your Honor, one last thing.
Denny and I came up here to be married.
I know you want to get to the river.
And we did bring a judge of our own.
But the possibility of an upgrade! I at least have to ask.
We're gonna make this really fast.
- Which is what we want.
If I may say- - No, you may not.
You all take your respected parties to be your lawfully wedded partners to love, honor, and obey till death do you part? - Your Honor, that might be faster than we thought- - You want me to do this? - [All.]
We do.
- I now pronounce you- - No, wait.
- We were saying "We do" to the "Do we want you to do it?" Mr.
Shore, the coho are jumping at Seymour Falls.
Your Honor, this is our wedding day.
Join hands.
Are you gonna be serious about this? Because if not- Alan, I've never been more serious about anything in my entire life.
Okay, let's go.
Do you, Carl and Denny, respectively, take Shirley and Alan, respectively to be your lawfully wedded partners? - To love, honor, and obey- - And cherish.
Especially cherish.
And cherish till death do you part? - I do.
- I do.
And do you, Shirley and Alan, respectively, take Carl and Denny, respectively to be your lawfully wedded partners, to love, honor obey and cherish, till death do you part? I do.
I do.
You all understand what it means to be married? This is a sacred thing.
The commitment to love one another to be there for each other, no matter what, do you really all get that? We get it, Your Honor.
Look at me.
By the powers vested in me as justice of the Supreme Court and by the powers of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts- I can't speak for Canada- I now pronounce you husband and wife and you husband and husband.
What God has brought together, let no man and no court tear asunder.
You may kiss the bride.
Oh, uh, one- one at a time.
Alan, you first.
And, Denny, gently.
And now, Carl, my husband.
- Good luck to you all.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
- Thank you so much, Your Honor.
- Thank you, Justice.
- I love you, man.
- I love you too, Denny.
- [Soft Jazz.]
- Oh! Shirley may I have my wedding dance with you? It's just that I've always dreamed of dancing with you in this dress and looking exactly the way you do.
Denny, don't you think Carl should get this dance? Let him grab the next one.
He's got you forever.
I just, uh- [Woman.]
Just for tonight Let's pretend we still care - You really are a good sport, Carl.
- I'm a good sport? Alan, has it sunk in yet who you're married to? Let's dance a slow dance - Judge? - Why not? Like we used to do Move to the music And say I love you Oh, promise each other We'll always be true Our love's notjust for tonight Our love's notjust For tonight [Chinese.]
Long day.
But a good one.
- It was wonderful.
Spectacular day.
- Mm-hmm.
What couples they made.
Yes, they did.
Thank you, Jerry, for being my charming date.
Mm-hmm.
- Canada was great.
- Beautiful.
I'm not afraid of it anymore.
- And how great is that? - Yeah.
Conquer one's fear of a foreign country.
- Great day.
- Fab.
Let's not make ourselves dizzy.
Now I feel dizzy.
- Somebody's been here.
- Who? I don't know.
But clearly somebody.
- Probably staff celebrating our wedding.
- They could've cleaned up.
You're not gonna be a neat freak, are you? [Laughs.]
Don't start with me.
I tell you, Alan I woke up this morning, I thought the end was near.
But this drug, I could feel the fog lifting just thinking about it.
- We're married.
- [Laughs.]
Can you believe it? We will face ridicule, Denny.
Abuse.
Don't be fooled.
It's all worth it.
I love you.
I love you too.
You know, I was watching you dance with Shirley.
And for a second I thought you were having one of your moments where you actually believed you and she- I had one of those moments yesterday.
- You thought she was your wife? - No.
I thought you were my son.
Proud moment for a dad, I'll tell you that.
Having you as my son.
That's something.
Are we gonna stay with this firm? - Or are we gonna open a new one? - We don't have to decide tonight.
Let's just sit here like an old married couple.
You know, I was a little hurt you danced with Shirley instead of- - Here we go.
- I'm just saying.
- Come on.
- We did get married.
I think a little attention is in order before your eye starts roving.
- You wanted a dance? - I did.
- Let's do it now.
- Oh, the moment has passed.
No, it hasn't.
We're here, now.
We're in the moment.
- I don't want a mercy dance.
- Is this the way it's gonna be? Alan, our wedding dance.
- Don't try anything.
- Funny.
- And I want to lead.
- Why should you- You got to lead with Shirley.
It's my turn.
Just dance.
[Soft Jazz.]
[Laughs.]
You're leading.
- I'm not.
- Well, then quit shoving me around.
If you plan to dominate me in this marriage, let's undo it right now.
Oh, that's "till death do us part" commitments.
- I can call Scalia right now- - You want to undo it now? Just be quiet.
Seize the moment.
It's our wedding night.
It's our wedding night.
[Laughs.]
[Man.]
Fantastic, fantastic, that's you Yes You perform miracles Whenever you hold me near Tender, warm miracles That make me surrender, dear Yes You whisper, darling And before my eyes A blaze of fireworks Light up the skies No wonder angels Have those staring eyes Fantastic, fantastic That's you [Woman.]
You stinker!