Buffy the Vampire Slayer s05e12 Episode Script

Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": Whenever a slayer turns 18.
It's a time-honoured rite of passage.
It's an archaic exercise in cruelty.
- We're finished.
- Not quite.
She passed.
You didn't.
I have recommended to the Council that you be relieved of your duties as Watcher.
You're fired.
- The Council's orders are to concentrate - I don't think I'm taking any more orders.
Tell your Council, until the next slayer comes along, I'm not working for them any more.
- What about the Key? They all over it? - They're interested.
But they didn't guess about Dawn? They don't knowthat it's her? No.
Here, I'll get that.
Sorry.
Mom's still not 100 per cent and I haven't been taking up the slack.
- No, the place looks fine, Buffy.
- Yeah, it's just us.
That must have belonged to Aren't we supposed to have a meeting? Yes, we're here for a reason.
I've had some rather Well, I've had some news.
It seems that the Council of Watchers has found some information that may help us out.
- About Glory? - Presumably.
We'll find out when they arrive.
Could be very important.
Arrive? They're coming here? Now? Why do they have to come here? Don't they have phones? "'Allo, Buffy! Here's some stuff we know, pip pip.
" Yeah! Phones.
I'd like them on phones.
What's so bad about them? Aren't they good guys? I mean, watchers, that's like other Gileses, right? Yeah, they're scary and horrible.
They can appear a bit well, hard-nosed.
But their agenda is the same as ours.
They want to save the world and kill demons.
Kill the current demons, right? Current demons.
Giles, I don't want them to come here.
I don't trust them.
Make them not come here.
They're already on their way.
Our old friend Quentin Travers is heading up a delegation.
Their test almost killed me.
And when I was Faith, they almost killed me again.
I can't handle almost being killed right now.
I don't like the sound of this.
They don't sound very ex-demon-compatible.
Are you sure they're English? I thought they were gentler than normal people.
Maybe it won't be so bad this time.
I mean, Buffy, they did think you were Faith last time.
Nowthey know you're you, maybe they won't care enough to kill you.
It's not just that.
They're gonna screw everything up.
It's a delicate time right now.
I have to take care of Dawn, and But that's not new.
You've always taken care of her.
Right.
Right, I knowthat.
It's just, you know, there's Glory.
I don't need them looking over my shoulder when I don't know what we're dealing with.
That's precisely why we need to talkto them.
Dawn, honey, what are you doing up at this hour? Go backto bed.
- I was just getting a snack.
- Dawn, are you listening? I can get a snack if I want to.
- She was listening.
- Does it matter? I mean, is she really gonna set the junior high school buzzing with "There's a delegation a-coming"? No, I guess not.
You know, it's just sometimes we say stuff, and it's all good.
Giles, you were saying something? Just that if the Council knows something about Glory, her agenda or her origins, then maybe it will help us get a grip on what we're dealing with.
Right now I think we're a bit lost.
Mistress! Oh, God! Please don't hurt me, I beg of you! If you just let me go, I swear I won't tell anyone! - Help her! - We're here for you, Great One.
- Drink.
- What is this? What the hell are you things doing to me? Very good.
Delicious.
No, I'm good.
It's OK.
I know you're all always looking at me.
I can tell.
Always tell.
I can see.
My hat.
Where's my hat? Where's my hat? Try not cutting things so close next time, understood? - Yes.
We live to serve.
- As always.
Cool.
Take this mess out with the rest of the trash.
And you have something to tell me? - Indeed, Glorificus.
- And I'm waiting.
We have found that the signs of the alignment are moving faster than expected.
Meaning? If you are to use the Key, you must act quickly.
Fine.
I have been cooling my heels in this crappy little town long enough.
Sunnydale's got too many demons and not enough retail outlets.
All you need is the Key.
Yes, and I bet Mousy the Vampire Slayer has an idea where it is.
If I may remind Your Eminence, you don't have much time.
Baby, if that girl's the only thing between me and my Key, I don't need much time.
If you're serious about this, madam, you need to be very careful.
Measure precisely, and please don't step ahead.
He's quite right.
Wouldn't want to do anything dangerous.
Turn the wrong person into a badger.
Quentin.
I didn't realise you were here.
Evidently.
It's been a while.
I see you've brought some of our colleagues with you.
Would you care to introduce us? First I thought we might catch up.
Well, certainly.
This is the shop, obviously.
It's been a very interesting transition into the world of retail.
It's going rather well.
I'll give you a grand tour if you like.
That's all right.
I think I can see whatyou've been up to.
Yes, well, I do limit my time here, obviously.
Buffy and I have been training a great deal these days.
There's a back room that we Yes.
I thoughtyou were keeping that space for the really dangerous items that should be kept out of the public's hands.
- Or maybe you don't worry about that.
- I'm very careful.
Most of this stuff couldn't harm anyone.
Incense, dime-store trinkets - But there are some things - I'm sorry, who are you? There are some very potent elements here.
Focusing crystals, runic artefacts, an amulet of Cauldis.
Also this statue.
Its removal from Burma is a criminal offence, and when triggered, it has the power to melt human eyeballs.
In that case I severely underpriced it.
Giles, sorry, but this is just for the duration of our stay.
I think you can see why.
What? What is just for the duration? Magic Box shoppers, we're going to have to ask you to leave.
The store is closing early today.
Terribly sorry for the inconvenience.
Hey! Giles, what are they doing? Customers, please bring your money back.
You knew you'd do this before you even sawthe place.
I'm sorry.
It's just for the duration of the Council's review.
Council? You're the Council? Welcome to our store.
We're closed now.
I'll be in the back.
What review? Let's just stop and talk about this.
Miss? Excuse me, you work here? Yes, I do.
Ever since I moved here from Indiana, where I was raised by both a mother and a father.
Anya, just go.
You don't have to talkto him.
She works for me.
Now, tell me about this review.
No one said anything to me about this.
Let's sit down and talk about it over here.
You all stand around and look sombre.
Good job.
You used to respect us, Giles.
You used to be one of us.
You used to pay me.
If you recall, firing me was not my idea.
Touché.
Butyou were on the inside once.
You know what sort of resources we command.
We've discovered information about this creature, your Glory.
Some of it is clearly vital, the rest merely extremely disturbing, and it won't be handed over until we're convinced thatyou and your slayer are prepared for it.
Thus the review.
I'm not having you put her through another of your insane tests.
It's not a test.
It's a check of her methods.
We need to knowthat this information is safe.
You can trust her.
Buffy's come very far recently.
She's acquired a remarkable focus.
Now, Rasputin was associated with a certain obscure religious sect.
They held the tenet that in order to be forgiven, one first had to sin.
Rasputin embraced this, and proceeded to sin impressively and repeatedly.
The notion that he was in fact evil gained strength years later, when the conspirators who set out to kill him found it nearly impossible to do so.
- "Nearly impossible"? - I'm sorry, there was a question? Miss Summers, of course.
I about, you know, killing him You know, they poisoned him and they beat him and they shot him, and he didn't die.
Until they rolled his body in a carpet and drowned him in a canal.
But there are reported sightings of him as late as the 1930s.
There is near consensus in the academic community regarding Rasputin's death.
There was near consensus about Columbus, until someone asked the Vikings what they were up to, and they're, like, discovering this America-shaped continent.
I just I'm only saying, you know, it might be interesting if we came at it from, you know, a different perspective, that's all.
Well, I'm sorry if you find these facts so boring, Miss Summers.
Maybe you'd prefer I step aside, so thatyou can teach your own course.
Speculation 101 perhaps? Intro to Flights of Fancy? - I only meant - What was ityou were on about last week? Mysterious sleeping patterns of the Prussian generals? Now, some of us are here to learn.
Believe it or not, we're interested in what actually happened.
It's called studying history.
You can sit down now.
Unless you have something else to add, Professor? "Miss Summers"! "Some of us are here to learn, Professor"! - "Maybe you'd like to teach your own class"! - Who are you talking to? Spike, why did you do that? Not for money, if that's whatyou're thinking.
Your heartfelt gratitude's plenty.
- Expect I'll be getting that any moment.
- Gratitude? For getting in my way? Getting in your way? I saved you.
I was regrouping.
You'd have been regrouped into separate piles.
You needed help.
I didn't need you.
I never need you, Spike.
I get it.
You just don't like who did the rescuing, that's all.
Wishing I was your boyfriend.
Wait, he's run off.
I don't need a boyfriend, to rescue me or for anything.
Don't need or can't keep? You make notches in the headboard, but eventually they get up out of the bed and run off, don't they? - You're disgusting.
- Rough talk.
Maybe that's your problem.
Maybe you push 'em away.
Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much.
Or maybe your beauty's fading.
The stress of slaying ageing you prematurely.
Things not as high, not as firm.
You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't.
Or maybe you just don't hold their interest.
Begging permission to speak with you, sir.
Don't touch me.
You're crusty.
What do you want? Not me.
The magnificent Glory.
She wants more information on the Slayer.
She knows you know her.
The Slayer? I don't know any slayer.
Get away from me.
You shouldn't be here.
I believe you do, sir.
She's short, symmetrical, hair on top? - Buffy something.
- Buffy Summers is the Slayer? That's the one! Very clever of you, sir.
- The Slayer.
How does Glory knowthis? - I do not know.
I was not there.
But the beauteous Glory said for you to tell us, please, where her dwelling is.
- Who her friends are.
- Why? So Glory can find her, do something to her? Why would I do that? I don't know, sir.
She just said to tell you to do it.
For her.
That was her message.
Well, I've got a message for Glory, too.
We've been developing a sort of hybrid fighting style.
Let me outline her progress and I think you'll see thatyour review isn't strictly needed.
Bad day.
Bad, bad Miss Summers.
Good to see you again.
- Mr Travers.
- Giles is telling us of your training regimen.
Perhaps you'll favour us with a demonstration while we're here.
- Right now? - No need to rush you.
They're staying a little longer than I'd anticipated.
We've already laid out our project for Mr Giles.
Nigel? An exhaustive examination of your procedures and abilities.
- Observe your training, talkto your friends - My friends? Yes, we understand you're still taking civilians out on your patrols.
- You've gotta be kidding me.
- Buffy, I can sense your resistance.
I don't blame you.
Butyour watcher hasn't reminded you lately of the status of the players in our little game.
The Council fights evil.
The Slayer is the instrument by which we fight.
The Council remains, the slayers change.
It's been that way from the beginning.
That's a very comforting, bloodless way of looking at it.
Giles, let me talkto Buffy, because I think she's understanding me.
Glory is stronger than you.
She's a more powerful instrument, if you will.
We can help you.
We have information that will help.
Pass the review and we give it to you without reservation.
Fail the review, either through incompetence, or by resisting our recommendations Resisting your recommendations? She fails if we don't do as you say! How much under your thumb do you think we are? - How much do you want our help? - She's notyour bloody instrument! Giles! I understand you thinkthis is unfair.
There are factors which should motivate you to go along with the review.
I don't want to do this, but obviously we could shut this place down permanently.
You can't.
You don't have that kind of power.
Of course we do, and a great deal more.
If you insist on fighting us, we'll arrange to have Mr Giles deported within the day.
Never set foot in this country again.
Now, perhaps you're used to idle threats and sloppy discipline, Miss Summers.
Butyou're dealing with grown-ups now.
Am I making myself clear? Jinx! Hey, what's the deal with your face? It's a message from Ben.
He isn't going to help.
Isn't going? - Isn't going to help? - No.
All he has to do is turn over that squirming slayer girl.
I have business to do with her.
If she knows where I can start looking for my Key Why won't he help? He knows her.
He could go to her, he could talkto her He could seduce her and bang the Key out of her! - He is quite attractive.
- Well, of course he's attractive! But he drives me insane.
You know what I mean? - He drives you insane? - Yeah! That's it exactly! Sweet, lumpy minion.
You're the only one that understands.
Probably cos I haven't sucked your brain outyet.
He makes me so mad! If I could just get my hands on him! You know? I'll just find her myself.
It's a power play, that's what it is.
It's about who has the power.
I'm guessing they do? Big power outage in Buffy County? I should have setyou on them, that's what I should have done.
Giles, that Travers guy is, like, 60.
I can't hit him.
- Can I? - I suppose not.
Well, I could.
I think I will.
Can they really do what they threatened? Kick you out of the country? In a heartbeat.
The rough stuff, they're all right at.
They're ham-handed, but they get it done.
But this stuff, the bureaucracy, the pulling of political strings, they're the best in the world.
They can kill you with the stroke of a pen.
Poncy sods.
Am I gonna be able to get through this review? Well, I suppose they'll make it as difficult as they want to.
The physical stuff could be a bit of a challenge.
That's not what I'm worried about.
It's the other stuff.
Examining decisions I've made.
I mean, twice I've been within slaying distance of Glory, and twice she's kicked my ass without even tensing a muscle.
And I haven't been able to figure out what she is or anything about her, except she wants the Key, which I have, and I don't even know if it's OK to tell anyone that.
No one could have done better than you.
But no one else is gonna be asked the questions that I can't answer.
They're gonna expect me to be like a slayer, and know stuff, but I'm just me and I don't know anything.
They'll go away and not tell me howto fight Glory and I won't be able to protect Dawn! Buffy, calm down.
The scandal here is not anything you've done wrong.
It's the way they're behaving.
Holding what they know hostage with a gun pointed at my bleeding green card, no less.
It's humiliating.
Also smart.
They picked the perfect thing.
I can't lose you.
Thank you.
I guess I should be getting ready.
What do you think it'll be like? How do you thinkthey'll start? Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins.
And don't thinkthere weren't jokes about that.
"Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now.
So, you spell itA-N-Y-A, then? - Yes.
- Fine.
Now we can get to the questions.
- Questions, great.
- We can answer questions.
Well, I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you, your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
Our relationship? - We're friends.
- Good friends.
- Girlfriends, actually.
- Yes, we're girlfriends.
We're in love.
We're lovers.
We're lesbian, gay-type lovers.
I meantyour relationship with the Slayer.
Just good friends.
Best friends.
Willow and me and Buffy.
The three of us were together from the beginning.
We've always gone on patrols, and done demon research with her and everything.
Have you mastered any fighting disciplines over the years? No.
So, you have no special skills or powers or knowledge thatyou bring to the mix.
- Neither of you.
- Just enthusiasm for killing the demons.
Go deadness for the demons.
- I don't have any powers, but I do help.
- How? Be specific.
Lastyear, Willow, Giles and me combined our essence with Buffy.
Which isn't as weird as it sounds.
We merged, and I was the heart part of a super-Buffy.
- Again, let me stress the not-as-weird thing.
- I'm told it was all very professional.
Are you saying that the Slayer needs that level of help from you often? - No, no, she doesn't need help.
- She'd be fine without us.
She goes off and does stuff without even telling us.
Not that she's, like, a weird loner or anything.
- I'm not sure we're saying this right.
- See, here's the thing.
We can help because we do magics.
I'm working on this ball-of-sunshine thing.
- I have this theory.
- It's very cool.
And if it works, easier slaying for Buffy.
Not that it's hard for her now.
Interesting.
What level are you at? "Level"? Magical proficiency level? A high level.
Very high.
One of those top levels.
Five! And you're registered as practising witches under the names as you gave them to me? "Registered"? - Yes! Yes, of course, we're - Registered.
Do either of you know anything about the Key? Nope.
Sounds demony to me.
I don't hold with that demon nonsense.
Muffin? I cooked them myself.
So, Buffy sometimes protects you from the dangerous elements of her work.
Yes.
She's saved my life lots of times.
The vampires in this town hate her.
But we understand thatyou help the Slayer.
- I pitch in when she pays me.
- She pays you? She gives you money? Money, a nip of blood out of some stray victim, whatever.
- Blood? - Well, if they're gonna die anyway.
Come to think of it, that's a bit scandalous, isn't it? I'm shocked.
The girl's slipping.
- You've noticed a decline in her work? - Yeah.
See, the poor little twig can't keep a man.
Gets her all down.
Few more disappointments, she'll be crying on my shoulder, mark my words.
Is that whatyou want? I'd think you'd want to kill her.
You've killed slayers before.
Heard of me, have you? I wrote my thesis on you.
Well, well.
Ain't that neat? Tell me, pet, now we're such good friends, how's the Slayer doing? She OK? High marks in all categories? Agility, clarity, stamina and strength.
These are the qualities that the Slayer must possess to do her job.
- What came after agility? - If you want her to attackthe dummy Phillip will attackthe dummy.
The Slayer's job is to protect it.
- Do you understand? - Protect the dummy? As if it were precious.
Now, getting the best of Phillip will require agility.
Listening to my instructions at the same time, that will demonstrate clarity.
And stamina and strength will win the long fight.
- Good luck.
- "Instructions"? I'll be telling you what to do, howto counter Phillip's thrusts.
We assume you're familiar with the Japanese names for aikido and jiujitsu moves.
- Japanese? - And go! Hold on a second.
In America, we usually work our way up to "go".
He wants you to bow.
Take a bow.
- Punch him.
- Thanks, Giles.
Sorry.
Back kick, elbow Elbow strike.
- How've you been training her? - I trained her to win.
Know what? I'm gonna have to do it my way, guys.
- I think she just broke my rib.
- Yes, well I didn't mean to.
You know, I can do better.
I think I might be getting this, like, inner-ear thing.
Maybe if I got a note, I could try again? No, that's all right.
I don't think we need to see any more physical tests for a while.
We can move on to the real review.
Look into your strategies.
Plans.
Figure out what's going on in that head.
Good.
Head stuff.
We start at seven tonight.
Give you time to Well, however you prepare.
Mom? Long day, sweetie? So this is where the Slayer eats, sleeps and combs her hair? So cute.
I can't even stand it.
Personally, I need more space, but this is good for you.
It's so quaint, and Buffy, if I wanted to fight, you could tell by the being dead already.
- So play nice, little girl.
- What do you want? The Key.
Why else do you think I'd come here? See, I think you know where it is.
- And that's a good thing.
- I'm glad you think so.
It's the only thing keeping you alive right now.
You may be tiny queen in vampire world, but to me, you're a bug.
You should get down on your knees and worship me! But no.
You still think it's neat having slayer strength.
Big deal! Stronger than humans! Who isn't? I could crush the life from you as easy as you'd break a nail.
But I need the Key.
Kid! - Come here a sec.
- Leave her out of this.
- Not asking twice.
- This is between you and me.
No.
This is between me and my Key.
You just happen to be the thing in the way.
And you are just the darlingest thing I ever did see in my life.
- What's your name, honey? - Dawn.
Dawn? Did you know your sister took my Key, Dawnie? And she won't give it back.
- I betyou know where she put it, don'tyou? - She doesn't know anything.
I know some stuff.
I bet she takes your stuff all the time without asking, doesn't she? Where's my Key, Dawn? Go upstairs, Dawn.
You're always talking about stuff I'm not supposed to hear.
I'm gonna figure it out, you know.
I like her.
She's sassy! And I'll kill her.
I'll kill your mom, I'll kill your friends and I'll make you watch when I do.
Just give me the Key.
You either have it or you know where to find it.
Obviously, this is a one-time-only deal.
Next time we meet, something you love dies bloody.
You know you can't take me.
You know you can't stop me.
Buffy, who was that? Pack a bag.
It's the Slayer.
For a second there I was worried.
So, what's with the family outing? - I need your help.
- Great.
I need your cash.
I'm serious.
You have to look after them.
That's a boatload of manly responsibility to come out of nowhere.
What's the matter? - You're not feeling 100 per cent? - No.
- They didn't put a chip in your head? - No! - Be funny if they did.
- Spike, I need an answer.
Now.
In or out? You're the only one strong enough to protect them.
All right, then.
Ladies, come on in.
There's plenty of blood in the fridge.
Do you mean, like, real blood? - What do you think? - Mostly I think "Ew".
Keep Dawn here as long as you can.
I'll be back soon.
- I don't need to remind you - Yeah, yeah.
"Anything happens to 'em, I stake you good and proper.
" Sing me a new one sometime.
That bit's gone stale.
I love whatyou've neglected to do with the place.
Just don't break anything.
And don't make a lot of noise.
Passions is coming on.
Passions? Do you think Timmy's really dead? No, no, she can just sew him backtogether.
He's a doll, for God's sake.
What about the wedding? I mean, there's no way they're gonna go through with that.
Look at them.
Big tough Council members picking on the books.
- Fascists.
- Why doesn't Mr Giles put them out of here? If they deport him, they're not just destroying his career, they're condemning the man to a lifetime diet of blood sausage, bangers and mash.
Well, your slayer's 20 minutes late and counting, Rupert.
Buffy will be here, I assure you.
Yes, but when? Crap! Guys? Any way we could not do this? OK.
Let's see whatyou are.
- Or who you are.
- One soldier in a vast army.
What army? The Knights of Byzantium, an ancient order.
And now your enemy.
- You work for Glory? - You think we ally ourselves with the Beast? - You must be mad.
- You're the ones who tried killing me.
We were fools, three alone.
But if it takes a hundred men, we send a hundred men.
- If it takes a thousand, we send a thousand.
- A thousand? So long as you protect the Key, the brotherhood will never stop until we destroy it and you.
You are the Slayer, and we know what we must do.
Now, be done with it.
Kill us, and let legions follow.
Go.
- You're late.
- Yeah.
- Was there an attack? - Yeah.
We can begin the review at last.
We'll skip the more obvious questions.
- There isn't gonna be a review.
- Sorry? No review.
No interrogation.
No questions you know I can't answer.
No hoops, no jumps.
And no interruptions.
See, I've had a lot of people talking at me in the last few days.
Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am.
And I finally figured out why.
Power.
I have it.
They don't.
This bothers them.
Glory came to my home today.
- Buffy, are you? - Just to talk.
She told me I'm a bug, I'm a flea, she could squash me in a second.
Only she didn't.
She came into my home, and we talked.
We had what in her warped brain probably passes for a civilised conversation.
Why? Because she needs something from me.
Because I have power over her.
You didn't come all this way to determine whether I was good enough to be let back in.
You came to beg me to let you back in.
To give your jobs, your lives, some semblance of meaning.
This is beyond insolence I'm fairly certain I said "no interruptions".
That was excellent.
You're watchers.
Without a slayer, you're pretty much just watching Masterpiece Theatre.
You can't stop Glory.
You can't do anything with the information you have, except maybe publish it in the Everyone Thinks We're Insanos Home Journal.
So here's how it's gonna work.
You're gonna tell me everything you know.
Then you're gonna go away.
You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory.
The shop will remain open.
Mr Giles will stay here as my watcher, reinstated at full salary.
Retroactive.
To be paid retroactively from the month he was fired.
I will continue my work with the help of my friends.
I don't want a sword thrown at me, but civilians? We're talking about children.
We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon.
Willow's a demon? The boy? No power there.
"The boy" has clocked more field time than all of you combined.
He's part of the unit.
- That's Riley-speak.
- I've clocked field time.
Now you all may be very good atyour jobs.
The only way we're gonna find out is if you work with me.
You can all take your time thinking about that.
But I want an answer right nowfrom Quentin, cos I think he's understanding me.
Your terms are acceptable.
See? No begging.
- Rupert? - Quentin? When we inventoried your shop, we found a bottle of single-malt scotch behind the incense holders - It's not, you know, during working hours - I think I could use a glass.
- Well, I suppose we could - Just a minute.
Glory.
I wanna know.
Well, there's a lot to go through.
Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting.
Well, that's the thing, you see.
Glory isn't a demon.
What is she? She's a god.