Californication s05e12 Episode Script

Previously on Californication This one's not your lady anymore, Hank.
If you absolutely have to be with someone else, this is the right guy.
It's great to see you, I'm so glad you could make it.
Loving that man-gina.
It is fucking liberating.
I think I made a terrible mistake, you know? Having a pool is awesome.
Having a husband in rehab is even better.
And you're fucking fired as an agent and a friend.
Bates is coming back tomorrow.
So we've got tonight? I am letting go and letting God.
I'm gonna go.
Oh, you have a little flotsam and jetsam there.
You just blew him again, didn't you? What the fuck? Karen does not understand what I'm going through right now.
I'm just tired of always keeping it together for someone else, you know? You got to be fucking kidding me.
I am a better, younger version of you, so just fuck off, old man.
What are you doing? Been dazed and confused for so long, it's not true wanted a woman, never bargained for you lots of people talk, and few of them know You're thirsty tonight.
Yeah.
Thirsty and miserable.
Good God, man.
Look around.
What have you got to be so miserable about? - This is enough for you? - Enough? Welcome to the place where time stands still, where whiskey flows and always will.
Liver never pickles.
Your heart never aches.
You can fuck till your dick's content.
Hmm.
It'll do, little piggy.
It'll do.
Ding dang do.
I missed you, man.
Right back at you, buddy.
I like our little visits.
But I'm looking forward to seeing you here on a more permanent basis.
Ah, so you think this is where I'm going to end up? Call it a hunch.
I got friends in low places.
Will you take me home? Oh, yeah Tyler.
You tell her, or I will.
So what's going on? Karen Karen, these last couple of years have been absolute bliss.
I mean, living here with you has been the most peaceful chapter of my story to date.
But, I mean, no matter how beautiful the grounds I mean, this place is a zoo.
And I'm a wild animal.
SobrietySobriety is not the answer for me.
I-I need to be unleashed.
I belong out there in the wilderness.
Okay.
So What are you saying? I'm saying that-- that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I will love you till the very end of time.
But I can no longer be your husband.
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry, my love.
No, I-- Oh, my God.
I know it's upsetting.
It's such a fucking relief! I know, right? It's fucking liberating! - Oh, that's my cue.
- No, Hank, please stay.
I have something to say to you too.
Please sit.
Okay, this should be interesting.
Listen Look, the three of us We share something spectacular.
We all love each other.
I'm not having sex with you, Bates.
That's not what I'm suggesting, Hank.
But let me tell you something, kitten.
It would rock your fucking world.
I'm sure, I'm sure.
Jesus.
Look, our lives are gonna be over in the blink of a fucking eye.
I mean, this is why I have to go.
I-I can't live a compromised life any longer.
But you two, there's still love here.
I know it like I know myself.
- No, no, no, but-- - No, no, no, no.
- No buts! - Listen to me.
Karen, listen to me.
And you, you know, with all your shenanigans, man, it's just a way to keep her at arm's length.
- What? - Because you're scared.
What if I'm like you? You know, destined to roam free? Hank, you're not like me.
You're not a warrior.
Listen, if we were members of the same tribe, I mean, I'd be out hunting and gathering.
You'd be home with the women.
Well, that--that sounds like a way better job.
Exactly, because you're not an adventurer.
You're lazy and passive and entitled and-- - Okay, okay, I got it.
- No, no.
But most of all, and best of all You are a lover.
All right, that's it.
I've said my piece.
My wisdom's yours, so do with it what you will.
Come here.
All right.
So, until we meet again Lovers.
- How you doing over there? - I'm okay.
This day is turning out to be a lot cooler than expected.
What you said.
- Now what? - I don't know.
Picture this-- We pack a bag, and we drive to the airport.
We buy two tickets to paradise-- maybe three, if Becca wants to come with-- and then we just go.
We figure out the rest later.
No.
- No? - No.
- It's because - It was worth a shot.
Your solution to everything is to run away.
- Mm.
- How about You stay here, stand still, don't move? Here, tonight, have dinner with me - Uh-huh.
- In this house.
- Hey, that sounds heavenly.
- All right.
Then what? I don't know.
We just wait, and we see what happens.
Cool.
So we just see what happens next.
Well, I've got a pretty good idea.
- That was weird.
- I could see that one coming.
Mmm.
Can I ask you a favor? - Isn't this a favor? - Oh, this is a huge favor, but I also need a little one too.
- Can you call Becca for me? - Right now? No, after is fine.
You had to get mom to do your dirty work? Well, I just want to explain myself.
You don't have to do that.
So why are you still mad at me? Because violence wasn't the way to solve the problem.
It's my problem to solve.
But your problem is my problem, sweetie.
Your work is done, dad.
I am who I am.
I have to make my own mistakes.
Okay, I get it.
I'm sorry.
Apology half-accepted.
So where does that leave the two of you now? Like I said, I broke up with him, told him to fuck off.
And then he broke down, said how sorry he was, how it was a huge mistake and it would never happen again.
Yeah.
Heard that before, huh? Said that before.
It was a convincing case.
We made love.
Ha, you're funny.
- We did.
- Gross! Honey, why you got to do that? Sorry.
I mean--no, it's okay.
It's not okay.
I don't think-- I mean, I just I'm never going to get used to that shit.
I won't.
And then he asked me to marry him.
You are funny.
- He did! - He did? What a clown.
I said yes.
I think I'm going to be sick.
You know I know I joke about that a lot, but I'm serious.
Seriously, I'm-- Holy shit! Dad, are you okay? No, of course I'm not okay.
I'm woozy.
Look, just because he asked and I said yes doesn't mean it's going to happen anytime soon.
- All right.
- And don't tell mom, okay? - I want to tell her myself.
- All right.
Shit, break's over.
I gotta get back to work.
Okay.
- Love you, dad.
- Love you too.
So what happened? - UhLizzie quit.
- What? Yeah, fucking little bitch.
She said something about how she needed more time to focus on her career.
I had no idea.
Oh, really? I'm surprised, what, with you two being so fucking close and her blowing other guys and all.
Please, don't remind me.
I know about Stu and Lizzie.
Oh, thank God.
It was so hard for me to hold it in.
So, so How are you handling it? Oh You didn't know, did you? But now you do.
Yep.
Now I know! I'm so sorry, Marcy.
You tricked me! Well, why the fuck didn't you tell me? Because in my advanced middle age, I've learned one thing, and that's ignorance truly is bliss.
Oh, God damn it, it's these hot, young skanks with their tight pussies and their perfect tits.
- It's a fucking epidemic! - That is so true! They can't be stopped.
They're marriage killers.
Oh, okay, okay, it's okay.
No! God damn it, Irma! Can you give us a fucking minute? Dios mio, woman! I sorry, but the boy-- he talking! - Say--say again! - Blow job! Blow job! That's so good.
You're talking! Oh, my baby! He's so good! Don't ever say that word again.
Not a nice word.
What, where-- where are you going? - I'm going to the set because-- - Blow job.
I have to see a soon to be ex-husband about a blow job.
- Well, it was two, actually.
- Blow job.
- What? - Blow job.
- That's even worse.
- That's exactly what I said.
And they told me it was no big deal, that two was the same as one.
- Blow job.
- That is fucking bullshit! I know, right? Here, you're too upset.
I'm going to drive you.
Let's go.
Yes, okay.
Yes, I'm too upset.
Blow job! Michael Bay would think this is ridiculous.
Michael Mann would think this is ridiculous.
Paul Greengrass would think this is ridiculous.
I don't care if we go to 3-D or not.
Bullshit still looks like bullshit.
Michael Bay? He would-- he would laugh at me right now.
I'm sure he is somewhere laughing at me.
And I've got a fucking actor who won't come out of his trailer? You're the director--you have to show them who's boss! I'm scared.
What the fuck? Holy shit.
God.
Hank, thank God.
You must have read my fucking mind.
- Did you call him? - No, but I was just about to.
What the fuck, Stu? I told you! I told you I never want to see his ass on one of my sets ever again.
Oh, oh, excuse me.
So this is your set all of a sudden? Listen, this is a producer-driven medium, you ineffectual little shitbird.
Shut the fuck up, both of you.
I'm looking for that other little shitbird Tyler.
Well, you're not the only one looking for him, Hank.
Sam's got a big bug up his ass about that guy.
He won't come out of his trailer, and we're, you know, scared to go in there, so Hey, Sam.
If you missed me this much, you could have called or sexted.
You didn't have to cause such a ruckus.
This time I didn't bring the ruckus, Moody.
The fucking ruckus came to me, man.
All right, talk to me.
Tell me what happened.
I talked to Stu about giving Kali a small part in this joint and shit.
So I go over to her trailer to talk about putting a baby up in that ass, you know? She gonna tell me we ain't fucking no more.
She don't love me.
She ain't never gonna love me.
Then she gonna tell me she fucking got with Tyler last night, man.
I fucking lost my shit, yo, trashed her trailer.
Now I gotta fucking kill that little cracker, man.
Or have somebody do it for me, which fucking sucks, because I want the satisfaction of doing that shit myself, you know? Don't do it.
Just let it go.
I don't know, man.
You do something nice for people-- they take advantage of that shit over and over again.
- I'm a good dude, Moody.
- I know you are.
You're just like me.
You're misunderstood.
Exactly.
And I can be pushed to the brink, man.
And when that shit happens, I don't give a fuck about nothing or nobody, man.
That's when the apocalypse come out.
That's how I got that fuckin' name, my nigga, because, yo, I'm three seconds from blowing this whole fucking world up.
Yeah, okay, okay, but--but think about it Sam.
This is your moment-- your Eddie Murphy movie-star moment.
Who gives a fuck about the Kalis and Tylers of the world? They're nothing.
But you're Samurai fucking Apocalypse.
That's all well and cool, man.
I still think I should ice that motherfucker.
Please don't.
My daughter loves that floppy-haired mope.
I'm not sure exactly why, but she does.
I got little girls, man.
I can relate to that shit.
So what-- I don't kill this motherfucker, your daughter don't get her heart broken? Exactly.
Maybe that's the move, yeah.
Oh, that's the move, Sam.
Mos def initely.
Let's fire this motherfucker up, yo, come on.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! You, you're welcome.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, I just saved your life.
And you know how you're going to repay the favor? You're going to stay the fuck away from my daughter, and you're going to rescind that stupid fucking marriage proposal, you hear me? All evidence to the contrary I love her Hank.
I do.
I believe you.
I do.
But you're years away from having any kind of real relationship with her.
You're like a kid in a candy store now.
So--so go wild.
Fuck two of everything.
Have fun.
Just don't torture her while you're doing it, okay? You're making a lot of sense right now.
Yeah, I'm having a good day Putting out fires left and right, wording to the wise.
You wanna man-pound? Action! Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Garfunkel! You got three seconds to release her! One You gotta be out of your mind.
Killing bad guys is my business, and business be fuckin' crackin', yo! - Thank you, officer.
- You're welcome Bitch! Uh, it's fine.
Officer? Get the fuck out of here, streetwalker.
We working here.
Thank you.
It was really good, yeah.
Still rolling! I'm not That was one fine-ass hostage, yo.
She's a real heartbreaker, all right.
Seriously No, I-I Yo, what the fuck, man? Yo, I gotta bring down the fucking apocalypse on these motherfuckers, right? Cut! Reset! - Whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! You think you can fucking disrespect me in front of my cast and crew, and don't get your fucking ass killed, nigga? I wasn't mocking you, Sam, I swear! Yeah, well, you're over here flirting and laughing while I'm trying to work, motherfucker! You know what, you two motherfuckers belong together-- two unfaithful bitches! You little snotty Hollywood motherfucker! I give you the chance of a lifetime.
What the fuck you do with it? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't worry, Tyler.
It's a fake gun.
Biscuit.
- Whoa! - Shit! You got any more bright ideas? For a guy with a gun to his throat, you're pretty fucking funny.
Look, look, look, Sam, if you're gonna shoot him, you're gonna have to shoot me first.
Moody, my brother, mind your business right now, man.
As much as it pains me to admit it, Sam, I hooked up with Kali too.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
You bullshittin', man.
You my fucking boy.
You wouldn't do that, man.
I am! But I did.
I didn't mean to.
W-we met on the flight to L.
A.
, and we smooched a little, and then I didn't think I'd ever see her again.
But t-there she was at your place, looking fine as wine.
Is this true, bitch? Yeah.
So what--a little smooch on the plane, man? - I can live with that.
- Yeah, well What? You know, once you kiss somebody, it's hard not to want to do it again, right? So--so we did And then some.
God damn it, the truth just sounds better.
Kali, is this fucking true? Calvin, I never meant to hurt you.
So y'all been fucking all along, right? No, just twice.
- Twice, right? - Yeah, just twice.
Yeah, just the twice.
Yeah, but both times I accused y'all of fucking, you actually had been fucking! Yeah, it turns out you've got quite the nose for sex, Sam.
This is fucked up, man.
You breaking my fucking heart, man Both of y'all.
I can't believe this shit, man.
Move, nigga.
Whoa! What the fuck y'all looking at, huh? What, you gonna fucking videotape my shit and put it on YouTube? You wanna see a fucking show motherfuckers? I'll show you a show! No! Charlie! Oh, shit.
- Oh! - It's getting dark.
It's getting dark.
Oh--oh, that's much better.
Thank you.
Oh, God, I'm knockin' on heaven's door here.
Runkle, you okay? I didn't mean to shoot you, man.
I can't believe you shot at me.
My head's all fucked up, man.
Pussy do that to a motherfucker.
No more love no more, man-- just ass and grass.
That's the spirit.
Hey, Stu, I think you should shut this motherfucker down, man, and do a whole rewrite.
I don't want to be contributing to the violence in society no more.
I think that is a brilliant idea, Sam, but the studio-- I don't think they're gonna want to risk making you unlikable.
Oh! Marcy, what the fuck? God damn it, Stu! I know about the blowie! It was two, actually.
It was two.
And you're gonna be hearing from my attorney, motherfucker! Marcy, no! I was just making memories, Marcy.
Fuck you, Stu! I am so sorry! I love you so much! - So much! - Suck on this! So much, baby! I can't believe you'd actually shoot somebody for me.
That's one of the single most romantic things anyone's ever done for me.
What can I say, mama? You bring all that shit out of me.
Mm.
Watching you walk inside radiance swallowed in light but I know it ain't right but for now So are we good, Hank? - Are we good? - Are we good? You just took a bullet for me.
Of course we're good.
I told you I would, Hank, didn't I? I told you I'd take a bullet for you.
You sure did, and I love you for it, you stupid, bald son of a bitch.
I love you too, Hank.
I love you, and I love little Stuart.
You tell him I love him, right? You tell him I tried to be a good daddy, okay? No, no, you tell him yourself.
You're going to be a-okay, buddy boy.
You're gonna live to humiliate yourself another day.
How about Lizzie? Does she seem worried about me? Lizzie? Yes, already know that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, she looks pretty upset.
That's nice, Hank.
That's nice.
- Hey, you got this? - Yeah, I got this.
Hey.
What the fuck were you thinking? You're jumping in front of bullets? That little mutant needs a father more than ever now.
- Ow! - Are you okay? Are you okay? Hey, you better not be calling to cancel on me.
You wish.
No, I just-- you better bring some wine, 'cause it's kind of a-a dry household right now.
Uh, will do.
Yeah, I asked Stu to hook me up with a bottle of the good stuff, but then Marcy had to go and pistol-whip him.
What? It's a long story.
I'll tell you over dinner.
Okay, I'm looking forward to it.
Oh, oh, oh, a-and wait.
Becca thinks she's getting married.
Okay, now I am gonna hang up.
No, no, wait.
No, don't, don't, don't.
Uh, just-- Come on, tell me you love me, just one time.
Tell me.
Just come home.
Okay, I will.
I just got to swing by Charlie's first.
Maybe I'll steal a bottle of Manischewitz.
Damned if you don't well, I wish you would, but I think you won't damned if you do, damned if you don't Well, I wish you could, but I think you won't Aw - I saw that! - Ah! Jesus fuck! No, it's just little old me.
Carrie, what the fuck are you doing here? I wanted to see you.
I felt bad about the way we left things.
I said some pretty harsh shit that night.
Well, you know what? A lot of it was true.
You were right.
I-I-I deserved it.
Well, thank you for saying that.
And maybe it was.
And maybe you did, but I still missed you.
I lost my job.
Oh, well, I'm--I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, I came out here looking for another one-- had a bunch of shitty interviews and, um, thought I'd look you up.
Hey, can I ask you something? Yeah, but then I got to go, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Did you ever love me, Hank? Be honest.
No.
You just liked fucking me? I did like fucking you very much, yes.
I did.
Well Then lets fuck - No.
- One more time.
- No, no, no more times, okay? - One more, come on.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
What does she have that I don't have? I don't--I don't know.
She She's just my everything.
C-c-can we not do this, please? It must be so nice.
It must be so nice to be loved like that.
But okay, no, no.
No more fucking.
One drink, though Please? And I'll be on my way.
I promise.
- Just one drink, all right.
- Just one drink! - All right.
- Okay.
Okay, right.
Okay.
There, one drink.
You happy? I'm the furthest from happy I've ever been.
I'm--I'm sorry, Carrie.
I just-- I-I can't help you.
No, you can-- No, you can help me, Hank.
You can help me.
You just-- you know, you're not going to.
And not being loved-- never, never, ever being loved That just really takes a toll on a wo-- Hey, whoa.
- You all right? - Yeah.
- I think it's the pills.
- What pills? I probably shouldn't be drinking.
What pills? Oh, I, uh--I started taking these antidepressants, um, a few months ago.
Hey! I know! It was after you dumped me! I mean, you know, I had to do something.
I set your apartment on fire.
How fucking bonkers was that? How--how many of these did you take? I don't know--a bunch.
Okay, okay.
They usually make me feel better.
- I shouldn't mix them with booze.
- I'm--I'm calling 911.
No, no, no, no, that's silly.
Don't do that--stop it.
Carrie, look, I need you to be honest with me right now.
How many of those pills did you take? - How many? - No more than you did.
What do you mean? Hank, how are you feeling right about now? What did-- what did you do? Carrie? Carrie.
Hey, just think When they find us it'll look like to the world that we were meant to be together.
What did you do? Only what you made me.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me you love me.
I love you.