Cougar Town s05e12 Episode Script

Dad, I feel like we need to talk about what happened.
It was awful.
Grayson and I reached for the creamer at the same time and for just a moment we were holding hands.
I'm talking about you stealing Bobby's boat and thinking that he and I were still married.
Who's Bobby? Gotcha! Oh, come on, June-Bug.
Everybody forgets stuff once in a while, right? Dad, forgetting who your daughter is married to is not a small detail.
So that's it, then.
Time to walk me out in back of the barn and shoot me.
I understand.
Come on, dad.
I'm serious.
I don't like you living at that huge ranch by yourself.
I wish you lived in the neighborhood, somewhere close, that I could come visit you every day.
Well, I suppose it would be nice not to have to keep up with all the work out on the ranch.
And if I was closer, I could come by whenever I want, drink your beer and play slap-a-dope.
What's "slap-a-dope"? Ohh! You still got it.
I can't believe the dope fell for it.
- Job well done.
- Oh, good.
All right, June-Bug.
Let's do it.
Start looking for a place for me in the neighborhood.
Aww, dad! Thank you! Oh, that makes me so happy.
Oh, I wish I knew a real-estate agent.
- But I thought you-- - Gotcha! Oh, it's only funny when he does it? _ I can't believe Trav's college graduation is this weekend.
If you could've seen that drunken, hair-sprayed beach trash and the dip-spitting mullet head who conceived that kid, you would never have expected this.
Which one were you? I don't remember.
Okay, are we all set for the ceremony? Yes, I've got the tissues, the camera, and I'm gonna be walking with giant crutches that are actually hollowed-out wine flasks.
That way, we get priority seating and a nice afternoon buzz.
Laurie, I don't think I've ever said this and meant it, but what-what! This is gonna be so much fun! What's gonna be fun? Oh, Trav's graduation ceremony.
What's the story? What do I have to do? Nothing.
We're good.
Yeah.
So, I guess I'll just be at the, uh, bar if you need me.
See ya.
Hey, will you look over these sketches for Trav's cake? Oh, what is this one? Is this you kissing Trav's rolled-up diploma? No, that's-- that's a weird doodle.
I-I don't know how that got in there.
So, Trav, graduation ceremony is this weekend.
- Pretty exciting.
- Yep.
What I'm really excited for is seeing what gift my dad gives me.
Well, it's gonna be hard to beat the past gifts.
For your preschool graduation, he built the Sewer Lair from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" in our actual sewer.
We played Ninja Turtles for three hours and got sick for five months.
Totally worth it.
And then, for elementary school, you took me to my first pro-wrestling match.
We saw Captain Carnage win the title.
The world champion of Western Central Florida, baby.
That's a big area! That match is still one of my favorite childhood memories.
And for your high school graduation, he got a 70-foot inflatable gorilla with your face on it.
How do you top that? Just you wait, Bubbaroo.
This will be the most epic gift ever.
Well, I got to get back to work.
But I can't wait to have my mind blown.
Oh, it's gonna be blown to pieces, baby! And those pieces into smaller pieces! Whoo! You don't have anything, do you? I mean, how do you top a 70-foot inflatable gorilla? You can't.
I'm screwed.
I finally convince my dad to move closer, and I can't find a single house that's gonna work for him.
Some of these retirement communities are okay, but I don't know.
Well, that one looks nice, and look all the activities-- spinning, water aerobics, nautilus.
I would be in such killer shape if I lived there.
I just don't know if this feels right for my dad.
I mean, I don't know-- he's always been so independent, and I don't want to take that away from him.
Yeah, look, it'll work out.
You know, maybe a great new house will come on the market or something.
Or maybe there's even a conversation to be had about your dad coming to live with us.
Retirement communities, huh? I had my first "encounter" at one of those.
I was in med school, volunteering, and Martha was having her retirement party.
Took me by the hand, led me out to the shuffleboard court.
Let's just run.
Hey, Ellie.
What are you doing here? Um, I'm just seeing if Jules wanted to grab some lunch.
Are those the, uh, graduation designs for Trav's cake? Yeah.
I wanted to do a giant cake of his face, but I couldn't figure out how to get his dimpled chin right.
Wait a minute! I've done baby-shower cakes before.
I can use my baby butt mold! It is amazing to watch a true artist at work.
You're like Michelangelo.
Mnh.
I think you mean Mikey Angelo, the guy from Pizza Palace.
But that guy is a hack.
Yeah, goat cheese on pizza? It's not 1985, and your name's not Wolfgang Puck.
So, uh, you and Jules seem pretty busy with this graduation stuff.
Yeah, it's been pretty crazy, but a lot of fun.
She and I are-- Wait a minute.
You feel left out.
Trav's graduation is such a big deal for Jules, but you're on the sidelines.
Have I passed you as Jules' best friend? Oh, please.
Jules and I have been best friends for a million years.
She cut Stan's umbilical cord when Andy passed out.
And when she and I kiss, we kiss on the lips.
Oh.
Mm.
Okay.
Laurie, we forgot to schedule our manis and pedis.
We'll never get an appointment this late.
Well, it's a good thing I thought ahead and booked us a spa day! Laurie, you're the best! I love you! - Mmm.
- Mmm.
Oh! Hey, Ellie.
Hi.
Chick.
It's good to see you with suitcases, moving boxes, and a grocery bag full of hard candies? Surprise! We did it! I told dad what you said about him moving in, and he said yes! What? To show my gratitude, I will allow you to hug me.
Aww, he's just shy! Get in there, honey! Oh, yeah, there you go! Come on, you dumb son of a bitch.
The show's been on for 30 years.
Answer in the form of a question! How amazing is this? It's perfect! Yeah, I don't know about perfect, but Of course it is! And it was all your idea.
June-Bug! Yeah? Where should I hang Molly? Did you know some older men's noses whistle constantly? Around the clock, never stop.
Why is that? I think it's just normal wear and tear, like brakes on a car.
And I don't need to know when a guy's headed to the bathroom, okay? Be discreet.
Don't make a big show of putting a newspaper under your arm and saying "Anchors away.
" Hey, everybody.
Look who it is-- second place.
The silver medal.
Jules' best friend, part 2, Electric Boogaloo.
You found the one way to surpass me-- by cozying up to Trav and banging your way up the friend ladder.
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
- I should have banged you years ago! - Say what? Hi.
I'm your husband.
Have we met? I could still do it, you know.
Seduce Trav, steal him away from you, and then I could just hump my way back into first place.
Trav, come here.
Let me show you how a real woman makes out.
Can I get a shot and a beer? When an older guy blows his nose, it's like an air horn.
And how many times do you get to use a handkerchief before you have to wash it? I'm leaving.
Trav.
You know where I'll be, don't you? Bye, number 2! Oh, Chick.
You're up.
So I didn't imagine all those farts and sneezes.
Yeah, I'm always up.
What about you? Oh, sometimes when I need a little alone time, I'll pop down here in the middle of the night, just me and my guitar-- quiet.
Alone.
Boom! Take that, you Nazi bastards.
Really loving the History Channel, huh? I'm watching World War II's Greatest Explosions.
Next program is gonna reveal who really killed JFK.
Lee Harvey Oswald? Acting alone? That might be the stupidest damn thing I ever heard.
Hey! Late-night hang sesh? Make room for J-Bird! Well, I actually just came down here to play a little guitar.
Take that, you Nazi bastards! Allied Forces rule! Oh, yeah! I'll be out in the shed.
Dad, next, they're gonna tell us who really killed JFK.
Grayson thinks it was Oswald-- acting alone.
Oh, boy.
Oh, my gosh! That's so stupid! Heigh-ho, silver medal.
What are you doing here? It's 9:00 AM.
You're never up this early.
Just had a coffee craving.
That's all.
Why are you wearing that sweater? It's not cold out.
Wait a minute.
That's Jules' favorite sweater on you.
It's the one she says makes your boobs pop.
Jules likes this sweater? I did not realize.
I am just wearing it 'cause it's so comfy cozy.
You're trying to score Jules points, aren't you? I'm not.
I'm just having-- Cool it, number 2! I'm Jules' BFF.
A statement that if put to song and dance would sound something like this.
I'm Jules' BFF! I'm Jules' BFF! I'm Jules' BFF! I'm Jules' BFF! I'm Jules' BF-- Man, we had so many great ideas for Trav's gift.
I can't believe they all turned out to be impractical.
Ahh, the monkey-filled clown car was genius.
Who knew it'd be so hard to get Well, we can't miss with this idea.
Just get a crapload of fireworks and light up that ceremony like it was Independence Day-- the movie, not the holiday.
Hi, guys.
How you doing? You got anything that we can shoot up into the sky and spell out "Congratulations, Travis.
We're all so proud of you.
Way to go, buddy"? Uh, no.
But this one spins on the ground when you light it.
Yeah, that's not gonna work.
We need something with more pop.
We literally want to blow people's socks off.
We need to see the illegal stash.
We'll take all of it! Stolen police badge, huh? How much? Oh, man! You try to up-sell us with the handcuffs.
That's how they always get you.
Oh.
Now you're all into the History Channel, too? The Allies are kicking some serious ass today.
You know, if you really think about the JFK assassination-- I don't have to.
It was Oswald.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
It's just that the house now-- it always smells like liver and onions and cigars, and the heat's turned up to 90, and the volume's all the way up on the TV, and Chick's always yelling at it.
Yeah, he is a character.
No, he's annoying! And why does he always have to use our bathroom? 'Cause he says the softer seat helps him with the strain of his-- Stop! Stop.
I don't-- Ugh.
I don't understand why you're so upset.
I mean, yes, my dad can be a handful, but you still wanted him to move in with us.
No! I didn't! I said we could discuss it, and then we didn't.
You just went and made it happen, and now he's here, and if I don't put up with it, I'm suddenly the bad guy! Exactly.
Now I am.
I'm-- I'm the bad guy.
Jules! Dad, I didn't know you were in there.
Did you just hear all that? Yeah.
I heard.
Where's the plunger? Dad, I'm so sorry you had to hear all that.
Grayson didn't mean what he said.
He complains all the time.
I mean, to be honest, he's kind of a little bitch.
Please don't be upset.
Don't worry about me.
I got a thick skin.
But I don't want you to feel unwelcome.
I mean, we both want you here.
Jules, if your husband wants me here, he's out of his damn mind.
Your mom's dad-- your grandpa Marty-- he came to stay with us for a while when you were a little girl.
Oh, yeah.
He used to sit on the front porsche in his boxers and eat pickles and curse at birds.
Marty was not a bright man.
But having him there with us made your mom happy, and I loved her so much, it was worth it.
You were a great husband.
So is Grayson.
That's why he's making an effort to put up with me-- because he loves you.
He's pretty amazing, isn't he? During the time I've been here with you, have you told him that? Well, well, well.
Look who it is.
Cakezilla.
Laurie, I'm so, so sorry.
I should not have smashed your cake.
Why did you freak out like that? I was just giving you a hard time.
I didn't expect you to go all silverback on me.
I know.
I just think you touched on a sore spot.
I'm actually not bothered that you and Jules have become closer.
I just feel like she has so many things going on in her life right now that I'm not a priority to her.
What-- Are you crazy? You're always a priority.
Seriously, it goes "Wine, Travis, you.
" And sometime, when Travis is being really annoying about some boring photography thing, I swear it's "Wine, you, Travis.
" He can be an irritating nerd.
And even if it sometimes seems like I might have passed you on Jules' list, it's only because I'm sleeping with her son.
And that's basically cheating.
That's true.
I earned my spot, and you slutted your way in.
Thank you, Laurie.
I'm sorry if it was so much to clean up.
Clean it up? No, honey, I left right after you did.
So we just left her kitchen covered in cake? Should we blame Bobby? - Yes.
Done.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Let's get you some wine.
- Please.
Man, I can't believe we got arrested.
Undercover 5-0, man.
So, Trav's graduating tomorrow, and I still got nothing.
Well, maybe you're approaching this wrong.
What's graduation about, really? Going to a party and finally telling that really cute girl from your psych class that you love her and would do anything to be with her and laughing and pretending it was all a joke when her muscular Swedish boyfriend walks up? On the surface, sure, but it's also a milestone-- a time to consider not just where you're going, but where you've been.
It's treasured memories-- birthday parties, Little League games, your first kiss, the taste of grape bubble gum on Cindy Llewellyn's lips.
It's nostalgia.
I know what to get Trav! Captain Carnage! His favorite wrestler! He lives here in Florida! I'm gonna track that son of a bitch down and get him to graduation! Right.
I don't have much time to make this happen.
Ando, I need you to keep working on plan B in case I fail.
I will, Bobby.
I will.
W-what do you want me to do? Just keep being beautiful, baby! - Hey.
- Oh, hey! Jules! How'd you know I was here? Well, whenever we're in a fight and you don't know who screwed up more, you come here, you get a dozen cupcakes, and you decide whether you should give them to me and apologize or you should eat them yourself because you're so upset.
I was so conflicted.
I'm gonna have to do so many crunches.
Jules, I'm really sorry I blew up at you.
No, honey.
This is my fault.
I should have talked to you more before asking dad to move in with us.
I just-- I got so excited at the fact that you said it was an option that I started to really believe that's what you wanted.
I was being selfish.
I do want him to move in with us.
No, you don't.
And you shouldn't.
That would be crazy.
I mean, it would make me so happy to have dad live with us, but that is not a good enough reason.
No, you're wrong.
It's the perfect reason.
Jules, making you happy is more important to me than anything in the world, so that's why we're gonna do this.
That's why he's gonna move in with us.
Because I love you so much that I ju-- Mm.
Jules, people are watching us.
Mm.
I'm so turned on.
- Mm.
I don't care.
- Oh, really? Oh, my God! Ellie! Come over here so I can see what you're wearing today! You care what I wear? Of course! It's Trav's college graduation! You'll be standing next to me in every single picture.
- I will? - Who else would I be standing next to? My husband? And when I get so happy that I have to kiss someone, - I'm grabbing you.
- Not Laurie? No! She's way too aggressive.
It's like putting your mouth on the nozzle of a gas-station vacuum.
I'll go get my best outfit.
Something that makes your boobs pop.
You know, like mine.
Okay! Well, this is nice, being here for my grandson's graduation.
Too bad he's graduating from art school.
I hear his macaroni-necklace final was a killer.
Look, Chick, um about what I said You were just venting.
And you have every right.
I'm not an easy houseguest.
Well yeah.
You're a handful.
But you're family, Chick.
And we care about you.
And I'm glad you're there.
You're a good man, Grayson.
Jules is lucky to have you.
The mafia didn't kill JFK.
- Did so.
- Did not.
So, this side is the red one.
Right is red, left is white.
Red is right.
- Ooh! - Hey.
- Laurie, take a picture of me and Ellie.
- Okay.
And "Cheese!" Oh, it's a good one.
I think we should call it "Best Friends Forever.
" I like it.
She likes it.
Thanks for telling me she was upset.
Of course.
What are best friends for? - Oh, don't start.
- I'm kidding.
Come on.
Let's go.
Whew! Bobby! There you are! The ceremony's about to start! I've been to Tampa and back.
I've been in three different gyms, four different bars, two Piggly Wigglys, and an alligator farm, but I got him! Captain Carnage, baby! Thanks for having me.
You know, I have a real respect for education.
Knowledge is power.
There's a slight problem.
You know, when I didn't hear from you, I-I went with my backup plan.
What was that? Big Daddy Payne.
- Carnage.
- Oh, you brought BDP? He and the Captain are mortal enemies, man.
Oh.
Well, they're actors.
It's not real.
Hey, what part of "Loser leaves town" don't you understand, BDP? Understand this, Carnage-- I'm gonna kick your ass! Not if I kick yours first! Whoa! Oh, whoa! BDP! Carnage! Man, chill out! They're gonna ruin Travis' graduation! Then we have to stop them.
- Yaagh! - Aaah! Dad, what-- what's going-- Whoa! Ando! Aaaah! Oh, it is on now! I'm coming, guys! Got the rifle, and, yeah, that's hard, but it's one guy.
It could still-- it could happen.
All right! Let's do thi-- Aaaaaaaah! Ohhhhh! Well, this ceremony just got so much better.
Aaaah! Baaaaaaaagh! Who's next?! BDP! Is that Big Daddy Payne? He once signed my boobs at an auto show.
I saw a lot of these brawls when I was a kid.
Usually, my mom went home with the winner.
You two are such white trash.
That's not what I-- I mean, somebody went to Oswald.
Aaah! Aah! Did you do this? I just wanted to give you an awesome graduation present.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry for what? This is amazing! - It is? - Yes! You tracked down my favorite wrestlers! I got to see my dad take a chair to Captain Carnage's face! This is your most impressive gift yet.
What?! I gotta get back in there, son.
Happy graduation! Whoo! Aaaaaaah! Aah! Whoo! Whew! That was an epic rumble.
A real slobberknocker.
Captain Carnage bit me.
He blew a cloud of chili powder in my face.
How did he have chili powder on him? Was he anticipating a brawl, or does he just walk around with chili powder in his pocket? We're forming a three-man pro-wrestling tag team, aren't we? We'll call ourselves The Flying Dandies.
I'm gonna wear a lion's head around my regular head, and I'm gonna hail from the parts unknown! I'm gonna get a shiv and stab Captain Carnage.
Was he talking about our wrestling team, or is he actually gonna go stab Captain Carnage? Tom?! Tom! Tom!