Dad's Army (1968) s05e12 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Goodbye, Sally, I'm sayIng goodbye Goodbye, Sally, I don't want you to cry I want to see that smIle That wonderful way.
Gentlemen.
Right, Pierce, this is your show.
So, I'm going to allow you to do all the talking.
Thanks, John.
Well, gentlemen, this is it.
It contains 2,000 pounds of high explosive and will knock out an enemy pillbox, no matter how thick, up to a range of three miles.
It's called a High Explosive Attack Device Propelled by Ultra-High Frequency.
Code name: HEAD PUHF.
You can actually home it on to a target with a radio? I'll show you, Sir Charles.
We are here, enemy pillbox there.
We start off.
Right, it'll do anything we want it to do, go round obstacles, turn left, turn right, it reaches the target and.
Hey, presto! Up it goes.
Well, I'm sorry, I shan't be able to be at the demonstration next week.
But, now tell me, what about security? This thing's red hot, you know.
Oh, I'm not gonna use any of the usual test ranges.
I've picked a deserted aerodrome, on the coast, near a place called Walmington-on-Sea.
I'm calling it Operation Catherine Wheel.
Well, you need plenty of troops to seal off the area.
I'm not going to use regulars.
I'm using those, what do you call them, those home things.
Home things? Home things? -But you mean Home Guards.
-Yes, that's right.
All the locals know the Home Guards so they won't take any notice.
My point is if we don't create any fuss, we won't attract any attention.
Sound thinking, Pierce.
Very sound.
Now, there are three platoons in the area.
The Eastgate under Captain Square, they'll guard the entrances, the Dymwhich under Captain Graham, they'll patrol the perimeter and keep out any snoopers.
Now, what about admin, fatigues, cookhouse? And who's gonna dig the.
The what's-its-names.
-Who's gonna do that? -The Walmington-on-Sea platoon.
Now, they're run by a Captain, erm.
What's his name, Stewart? Captain Mainwaring.
He's the local bank manager.
And what did he say when you asked him to do the fatigues? -Haven't told him yet.
-I'm going down to see him today, sir.
It's not gonna be easy to convince him that his platoon's got to do the dirty work.
I'll talk him into it, sir.
Give him plenty of soft soap, you know.
-Butter him up.
-Make him feel important.
There's nothing bank managers like better than feeling important.
Follow the whIte lIne #All the way LeadIng on.
And that, Captain Mainwaring, is a brief outline of the test.
I don't want to take up too much of your time.
After all, you're a very important man.
Oh, I wouldn't say I was all that important.
Would you, Wilson? No, I don't think so.
-I see you always back your captain up, Sergeant.
-Yes, sir, I always try to do my best.
Well, Captain Mainwaring, I've told you what the other Home Guard platoons will be doing at the test, -but I haven't said what you'll be doing, have I? -No.
No, I'm very eager to learn.
Well, the fact is.
I, er, don't quite know how to put this.
You see, the fact is, er there are several things that have to be done.
Not very pleasant things.
And I, er.
That is to say, we, er.
Well, it's.
Say no more, Captain Stewart.
You're trying to tell me that you want us for special duties, aren't you? ''Special duties''? That's it! I want you for special duties.
-You can rely on us.
-What exactly are special duties? Oh, dear.
-What sort of question is that, Wilson? -I don't know.
I mean, why should I know? The thing's secret, isn't it? Hush-hush.
We'll find out when we get there.
Oh, yes.
You'll find out, all right.
Jolly good.
Now, Captain Mainwaring, I want you to get your chaps together and brief them.
Oh, and don't forget.
Absolute secrecy.
-Oh, and here's a list of things to bring with you.
-Ah, thank you.
You can rely on my men.
They won't breathe a word to a soul.
And, er, may I just say how proud and privileged I am that you've chosen my platoon for these special duties.
If I only had wIngs Oh, what a dIfference.
Pay attention, everybody, please.
Platoon.
Platoon, attention.
That's right.
Sir.
Thank you, Sergeant.
Stand at ease! -Now then.
-JONES: Permission to speak, sir.
I'm sorry about the bunched-up-ness of the men, but when you told us to creep down into this crypt, we didn't know that you wanted us to do parading motions.
All right, thank you, Jones.
Now I've asked you down here because what I have to say to you is secret and I don't want it overheard by anyone.
Captain Mainwaring, would you mind speaking up a wee bit? Cannae hear a word you're saying.
You're mumbling, mumbling.
The reason I'm keeping my voice down, Frazer, is because what I have to say is secret.
It'll remain a secret unless you speak up.
-All right, Walker.
-Allow me, sir.
Platoon, platoon, attention.
Forward, march.
All right.
All right, that's enough.
Halt! -Is that any better, sir? -(MUFFLED) Thank you.
Now, what I have to say is that.
Get these men back, will you? -This is ridiculous.
-Yes, all right.
-Move them back.
-Backward, backward, shuffle.
Off you go.
All right.
Halt! Right, sir.
(CLEARS THROAT) Now what I have to say to you must not go outside this crypt.
You understand? -Oh, yes.
-Yes.
Now, on Saturday, a new secret weapon is being tested on the disused airfield and we have been detailed for special duties.
-What exactly will we have to do, sir? -I don't know yet, Frazer.
But Captain Stewart has left a list of the articles we have to bring along with us.
So, perhaps we can deduce something from that.
Have you got the list? -Yes, I have, sir.
Have it somewhere here.
-Read it out, would you, please? Yes, right, here.
Right.
Three knives and three shovels.
Three knives and three shovels.
Now, what are we to hazard from that? Well, I think I've got it, Captain Mainwaring.
If we find a fifth columnist, we kill him, and then we bury him.
Now, look, Walker.
Don't start.
All right? What else is on the list? Three bars of soap, three scrubbing brushes and three buckets.
Perhaps it's a dirty secret weapon.
And we gotta clean it, see? No, I shouldn't think so, Corporal.
No, I think they have experts for that sort of work.
However, whatever it is, I'm sure you'll all back me up to the hilt.
-Oh, yes, sir.
-Yes, sir.
Sir, I've just been struck by something deadly.
Don't tell me there are scorpions down here.
Sir, I look at it this way, we're now all put in possession of highly secret information.
Now, supposing we was captured by an enemy agent, sir.
How long could we stand out against torture before we revealed ourselves? I think you're getting into the realms of fantasy now.
Just a minute, Mr Mainwaring.
Don't give me that realms of what's-his-name.
This is vital.
I could be tortured, any of us could.
-Pull yourself together, Jones.
-No, sir.
No, sir.
I must awake you to this deadly danger, sir.
-Get him back in the line.
-All right.
Go back in the line.
Calm down! Come on, come on, get back into the ranks.
Go on.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? They might use that torture where they tip your head back and pour gallons of water down you.
Oh, dear.
I don't think I can stand very much of that.
Captain Mainwaring, I'd like to volunteer to be tortured, sir.
I'd like to be the guinea pig, sir.
I would like to suffer.
I demand to suffer, sir! -I demand to suffer, sir! -Shut up! What'd you that for? That hurt.
Sir, he hit me.
I'm sorry, Captain Mainwaring.
As you can see, the corporal was getting hysterical.
He's getting us all on edge.
-Calm down.
Keep quiet.
-Settle down.
Quiet.
Now.
I must warn you that, whatever else happens, -we've got to.
-Excuse me, sir.
-Yes? -There is somebody lurking in the shadows.
-Pretend you haven't seen him.
-Yes, all right, sir.
-Act nonchalantly and change places with me.
-Right, sir.
Now.
-All right, sir? -All right, yes.
(CLEARS THROAT) Now, I must point out to you that.
-That was him.
-Get your hands in the air.
(ALL JEERING) Look who it is.
How dare you spy on us.
I wasn't spying on you.
The light from your candles was flickering through the grating.
A Jerry plane would see it from miles away.
And don't point that gun at me.
Good Lord, sir, he must've heard everything we said.
He'll blow the gaff.
Of course I won't.
I'm fighting for my country the same as you are.
You can't rely on him, sir.
A couple of drinks and he's a right blabbermouth.
That secret will be all round the Red Lion before closing time.
I think you're right, Jones.
We can't afford to take a risk.
Captain Mainwaring, I could.
I could screw him down in one of my coffins.
Don't be silly, Frazer.
For heaven's sake, he'd suffocate.
Well, if you're fussy I could bore a wee hole.
Get back in your place, Frazer.
Shoot him, Mr Mainwaring.
-You're entitled to, shoot him.
-Oh, be quiet, Pike.
There's only one thing for it, we shall have to take him with us.
Meanwhile, he'll have to be watched in case he talks to anybody.
Well, I can watch him during the daytime, sir.
I can help him out in his greengrocer shop.
I'm not having him in my shop, he'll cheat the customers.
That'll make two of us.
-Take your hands off me.
-Be quiet.
Captain Mainwaring, I could look after him at night.
Thank you, Godfrey.
-I'm not sleeping with that old man! -I don't snore or anything.
Now look here, Hodges.
For eavesdropping on us, you could be prosecuted under the Official Secrets Act.
-Rubbish.
-MAINWARING: So do as you're told.
Now, we've been detailed for highly secret and special duties.
That's a great honour and I'm not having it ruined by you.
Believe me, Mr Chief Warden, you've got to be pretty special to be picked for special duties.
If I only had wIngs One lIttle paIr of those elusIve thIngs (SCOFFING) ''Special duties''.
(EXCLAIMS) Do you mind? Hoodwinked, that's what we've been, Wilson.
Hoodwinked.
I should have known not to trust that smarmy Captain Stewart.
Well, you can't blame him, sir.
I mean, he's got a job to do.
Oh, you'll stick up for him, won't you? You both went to public schools, didn't you? You know, I can't help feeling, sir, you've got a little bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.
There's no chip on my shoulder, Wilson.
I'll tell you what there is on my shoulder, though.
Three pips and don't you forget it.
Napoleon, I wouldn't have missed this for anything.
Oh, I'm glad I came now.
Highly secret special duties? Still, I suppose somebody has to do the cleaning up.
I'll tell you what, it's a good job they're not using a troop of cavalry, otherwise, you would have your work cut out.
Before you address Captain Mainwaring, would you mind taking that filthy cigarette out of your mouth? -Thank you, Wilson.
-Not at all, sir.
Not at all.
I just don't like to see you being addressed in a vulgar fashion by outsiders.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Joe, I'm gonna nip out in a minute.
I'm gonna listen to HI, GangI on the wireless.
What are you talking about? There's no radio out here.
That's what you think.
Brought my portable with me.
I've hidden it in the back of the van.
Mr Mainwaring, now I know why they wanted us to bring the shovels for.
All right.
That'll do fine.
Thank you very much.
Sorry to keep you waiting, Minister, but we're ready to go now.
Thank you, Colonel.
Tell me, what are those two aerial things sticking out of it? -They pick up the radio waves that control it, sir.
-Amazing.
What will they think of next? Hurry up, Joe.
Close the door, don't want anyone to hear us.
-Here, where'd you get that, Pikey? -Made it myself, didn't I? -Got the instructions out of PractIcal WIreless.
-You're smarter than I thought you were, Pikey.
Yeah, well, as my mum says, I'm not just a pretty face.
How can we listen on one pair of earphones? Well, it's easy, you put one to your ear and I'll put one to mine.
-Oh.
-There.
-I can't hear anything.
You sure it's working? -Well, it's gotta warm up, hasn't it? Hey, I can't wait to hear what Bebe and Ben are up to this week.
Do you think Vic Oliver really is 85? Gentlemen, target is that concrete pillbox, quarter of a mile away.
-Are you ready, Sergeant? -Yes, sir.
Ready, sir.
-Are we all ready? -Oh, yes.
Yes.
-Right, off you go, Sergeant.
-Right, sir.
(BLEEPING) She's off! Single bleeps, that means forward.
-Turn left, Sergeant.
-Left.
(BLEEPING INCREASES) That's two bleeps.
She's responding.
-Turn right! -Turn right.
(BLEEPING INCREASES) Splendid, splendid.
That's three bleeps.
Excellent, Colonel.
Excellent.
(RADIO JINGLE OVER LOUDSPEAKER) RADIO ANNOUNCER: HI, GangI AUDIENCE: HI, GangI What's that? I've never heard it before.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Hi, Gang! show.
I have, sir.
I heard it on Saturday.
It's a repeat of HI, GangI It's awfully good.
What's happening, Sergeant? I am getting lot of interference, sir.
I can't make it out.
-Well, get rid of it, man.
-Yes, sir.
(STATIC BUZZING) That's not the signal for left or right.
What is it? I think it's the one for coming towards us, sir.
Take cover! (RAPID BLEEPING) -It's all right now, sir.
-It's all right now.
-I got it under control now, sir.
-He's got it under control now.
(STEADY BLEEPING) No, I haven't.
No, he hasn't! Get back, get back.
(RAPID BLEEPING) Get the transport, quickly.
We must follow it.
There isn't any transport, sir.
I told the drivers to come back at tea-time.
I didn't think you'd want them to see the test.
You blithering idiot.
I've got my motorbike, sir.
And Captain Mainwaring's platoon have got their van.
Right.
Get on your bike and go over to Mainwaring.
Tell him to drive into Walmington and warn them.
If that thing reaches the town, it'll blow it sky high.
Then get to the nearest phone and warn GHQ.
We'll try and get it back here by radio.
(WOMAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH ON RADIO) Thank goodness.
That's the last.
Those are some of the best-peeled potatoes I've ever seen.
Look, don't let him give you any soft soap.
He's only trying to get round you 'cause he's dropped you in it.
That's it.
Don't you talk to our captain like that.
For two pins, I'd give you one with this.
Quick, Captain, I need your help.
It's escaped.
-What has? -The secret weapon.
It's broken loose and it's going towards Walmington.
It could blow the town sky high.
You must warn them.
-Come on, men.
-Excuse me, sir, we don't know what it looks like.
It looks like a huge wheel.
And it contains 2,000 pounds of high explosive.
It contains 2,000 pounds of high explosive.
Don't panic! Don't panic! It contains 2,000 pounds of high explosive.
MAINWARING: Into the van, everybody.
-Hurry up, men, into the van.
-That's right.
-Look out, there's someone coming.
-Cover it up, quick.
Hey, what are you doing, skulking in here? -Getting out of peeling the taties.
-What's going on? Walmington-on-Sea's going to be blown sky high, if I don't get there at the dot.
Come on, Grandad, hurry up.
Hodges, you're the most vulgar, rude, and common man I have ever encountered.
(HODGES BLOWS RASPBERRY) Mr Mainwaring, what's that secret weapon look like? -What did Stewart say it looked like, Wilson? -Like a huge wheel.
-Like a huge wheel.
Why do you ask, Frank? -Well, I think it's trying to pass us.
What? I'll wave it on.
Shall I wave it on, Mr Mainwaring? Get your foot down.
There's 2,000 pounds of explosives in it.
-What? -What? It's still following us.
It's still following us.
Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring.
Don't panic.
-Turn to the left down here.
That'll fox it.
-Right, sir.
It's still following us.
It's quite uncanny.
I can't shake it off.
I can't shake it off.
No, it seems that it's been attracted by something in the van.
Perhaps it's taken a fancy to the spare wheel.
Get your head in again, Walker.
Turn to the left again down here.
Right, sir.
-We've lost it, sir.
We've lost it.
-Thank goodness for that.
It looked to me as though it was going to blow up almost immediately.
-Yeah.
-It didn't half look angry, sir.
Oh, don't be absurd, Jones.
How can an inanimate object look angry? I don't care if it was an inny-anny object.
-It's got a grudge against us.
-What's going to happen to us if it blows up, sir? That's not our problem, Wilson.
We've been told to get back to Walmington-on-Sea, that's what we're going to do.
I know what I am doing.
Believe me, we've shaken it off.
JONES: Whoa! It's an ambush.
MAINWARING: Back up.
JONES: I told you it's got a grudge against us, sir.
MAINWARING: Quick, back down that side turn.
JONES: It's stopping, sir.
MAINWARING: We've got to try and put it out of action.
Right.
Everybody out.
Right.
Come on boys.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you think this is wise? We've got to try and immobilise it, Wilson.
If you ask me, Captain Mainwaring, there are forces at work here that we know very little about.
There's 2,000 pounds of high explosive in that thing, which we do know about.
-Stand by with your first aid kit, Godfrey.
-You can rely on me, sir.
Right.
Come on, men.
Permission to speak, sir.
I'll immobilise it.
I'll give it a poke with the old cold steel.
Oh, use your head, Jones.
I would rather use the cold steel if you don't mind, sir.
-It's gone ever so quiet, Mr Mainwaring.
-Perhaps it's sulking.
MAINWARING: Keep calm, men.
It's only a smokescreen.
(PIKE SCREAMING) FRAZER: Careful with that bayonet, you silly old fool.
JONES: I can't help it.
I can't see where I'm going.
PIKE: Oh, he hurt me, Mr Mainwaring.
MAINWARING: Unfix that bayonet at once, Jones.
-What's happening, Mainwaring? -Well, it's been following us and we're keeping it under observation.
-Where? -There.
Good heavens, it's gone.
-Where did all this smoke come from? -From the secret weapon.
That was phase two.
-We're going to phase three next.
-What's phase three? -The explosion.
-What? Don't panic.
Don't panic.
Don't panic! It's going into phase three, don't panic, boys.
It's going up.
It's going up.
We've got to stop it, Mr Mainwaring.
I wonder why it tacked itself onto you? Have you got a radio in your van? No, sir.
I was gonna have a gramophone, sir, but it's difficult to steer and wind at the same time.
All right, all right.
The point is, how can we put it out of action? There are two aerials on it.
One on the top and one on the side.
If you can chop those off, it's harmless.
I know, sir.
We can make out like Boadicea made out, sir.
How do you mean? Well, she put knives on the side of her wheels, sir.
It's quite simple, sir, and they go along.
-Can we get a move on, Mr Mainwaring? -All right, Jones.
-Now.
-ALL: Open, two, three.
Out, two, three.
Aim, two, three.
(PINGING OF TAUT WIRE) MAINWARING: Well done, Jones.
We've done it.
(STATIC BUZZING) I made contact, sir.
I'm getting a signal.
What's it sound like? It's sort of groans.
This is a fine time to run out of petrol.
Well, I couldn't help it.
We've been twisting and turning for miles.
Here, why don't we use that motorbike? One of us could sit in the side car with Pikey's portable radio.
Portable radio? I've just realised that's what's been attracting the secret weapon.
Yeah, I'll get the bike.
You stupid boy.
Why didn't you say something when the Captain asked if we had a radio in the back of the van? -Didn't want to look a fool in front of him.
-All right, Frank.
All right, all right.
We wouldn't want to make a fool of yourself, either.
You speak for yourself, Wilson.
Stop mollycoddling the boy.
-What's happened, Stewart? -Captain Mainwaring's located it, sir.
He's keeping it under observation.
Right.
We'd better keep Captain Mainwaring under observation.
-Look here, Wilson, I am going to lure it back.
-Yes, sir.
I am going to lure it back along this road and up to the aerodrome.
-Right, sir.
-Right.
You won't get too close to it, will you? I should have my head examined, driving this.
Move on.
Good luck.
Well, it was very nice of that chap to lend you his motorbike.
What did you say? I just dangled some petrol coupons under his nose.
Dangling, dangling.
What's dangling? I thought of a way of putting that secret weapon out of action.
Joe, go and borrow them shears off that bloke.
And I'll go and get the tow rope from the van.
Look here, Jonesy, whatever you're going to do, I'm sure you shouldn't.
It's a cinch, Wilsie.
Look, there's a railway bridge up the road.
Now all we've got to do is.
Turn the volume up, Pike.
Well done, Pike.
It's responding.
Here they come.
All right, lower away.
I hope this works, Sarge.
I'm dangling! I'm waiting to chop off its whatsit.
I'm dangling, I'm dangling.
-How much further with this? -Go on a bit more.
Try the Home Service, Pike.
I'm dangling, I'm dangling.
-I've chopped it.
-He's done it.
He's done it.
-That's it.
-I've chopped it.
I've chopped it.
Get him down.
Come on, a bit more.
Well done, Jones.
-I did it, didn't I? -Good man.
Splendid.
Look, Mr Mainwaring.
Look.
Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Mainwaring? I've killed it.
Very promising first test.
I somehow think you still have some work to do on it, sir.
Yes.
You will have to stop Bebe Daniels interfering with you for a start.
Take that man's name, Captain.
Yes, sir.