Futurama s05e12 Episode Script

Prepare for the stereophonic experience.
Spanish Fry Oh, New New York City! Whoo! Whoo! Don't worry about it.
Do the robot, baby! Oh, Lord.
Hiking is always such a strain on the buttocks.
- What was that sound? - It wasn't a bird's nest falling.
That sounds like this: - They're so cute when they're scared.
- I meant the sound Bigfoot just made.
He's been sighted in this area recently.
Just last week, a blind hiker felt him.
Don't tell me you actually believe in Bigfoot, you blathering ninny-hammer.
Of course I do.
Bigfoot's my hero.
Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.
- Why? - Because he was a loner who hated the popular monsters yet longed to be one.
I can so relate to that.
Enough emotions.
This isn't a fat camp, for God's sake.
Although you wouldn't know it from looking.
Ah.
Bender, if you want to sleep in the tent tonight you're welcome to join me and Hermes for a little "just friends" spooning.
No, I'm comfy out here under the stars.
ReaI comfy.
- Hi, I'm Ranger Park, the park ranger.
- I get it.
Since this is a nationaI Bigfoot preserve we'll start with a short film about Bigfoot while I make a few phone calls.
Bigfoot.
Endangered mystery.
In the dense forests of the Pacific Northwest dwells the strange and beautiful creature known as Bigfoot, perhaps.
- That proves it.
- Sadly, logging and human settlement today threaten what might possibly be his habitat.
Although if it's not, they don't.
Bigfoot populations require vast amounts of land to remain elusive in.
They typically dwell just behind rocks, but are also sometimes playful bounding into thick fogs and out-of-focus areas.
It should say "Top Quality Exercycle For Sale.
" And could you put "Top Quality" in bold? You can't? Okay, whatever.
Remember, it's up to us.
Bigfoot is a crucial part of the ecosystem, if he exists.
So let's all help keep Bigfoot possibly alive for future generations to enjoy, unless he doesn't exist.
The end! I gotta call you back.
All right, questions? - Yeah.
Have yous ever seens Bigfeet? - Technically, no.
But I do see him each night in my dreams and each day in the smiling faces of hairy children.
Bunk! Bunk, I say! Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or shut up.
I have some of someone who saw him.
- Shut up.
- Oh, my God.
Look, it's Bigfoot.
- Where?! - Oh, he's gone.
He said you should keep wasting your life, though.
I saw Bigfoot crushing cars at the county fair.
What you saw was Bigfoot the monster truck.
But thanks for a great question.
Sir, if I may? Why don't you just set up, like, a billion video cameras in the woods and see if he walks by one? Ah.
That would be very expensive and most people who believe in Bigfoot are broke.
Hey, look! Bigfoot.
He's back.
- Where? - Up your face.
Everybody do the Bender.
The sky out here is amazing.
Look at all the satellites.
- Good night, employees.
Good night.
Good night, Hubert.
- You doing all right out there, buddy? - Better than these gnats.
That guy won't be going home to his kids.
What's that? A wolf? Or some kind of boogin? Oh, God, I wish I was safe inside a tent.
Fry.
Fry, wake up.
It's me, Bigface.
Come out and groom my mangy fur.
Bigfoot? You taught yourself English? Bigfoot.
Bigfoot! Bigfoot? Is that you? I'm not like the others, Bigfoot.
I see through your monster coating to the gentle loner inside.
I bet you have a wounded raccoon friend that you tenderly nurse back to health while you go: In the end, they shoot you, but you teach us about things.
Oh.
Oh.
Just a flying saucer.
Excuse me? You can't park here.
The parking area is over there.
Wow.
Nice tube.
Hey.
Hey, what's the big idea? Stop abducting me.
Why does your vanity plate say "Probe 1 "? Help! There's nothing so refreshing as the clean, crisp taste of this bold Canadian beer.
Well, see you in an hour.
I got to go do some business behind that tree.
- Bender, wasn't that Fry's tent? - "Bender " Bender raises a good point.
Where is Fry? You won't believe what happened.
It was so scary that you wouldn't- I know.
But listen, it gets even scarier.
Fry, what in Sega Genesis happened to you? That's what I'm trying to tell you.
See- Why are you all staring at me like that? Is there something on my face? Uh No.
- Someone should tell him.
- Tell me what? - Nothing.
- Well, I have a lot of experience telling patients bad news, so let me break it to him gently.
Fry, you have no nose.
Your nose is gone.
You have no nose on your face.
Where it is, I can't say but on your face it's not.
What? I think it's sweet.
You chopped off your nose so you could look more like your hero: me, Bender.
My God.
They must have taken it last night.
- Which last night? - In the woods.
I was walking.
For Bigfoot, looking.
And then aliens beamed me up.
Were they little gray dudes with big ovaI heads? I don't get that gesture.
Am I wrong? Cheer up, friend.
When we get home a high-quality prosthesis will have you looking good as new.
I'm a pathetic freak.
My life is ruined.
Man, you are such a jokester.
I'll never have another moment of happiness.
I know you're trying to mask your pain with humor, but don't worry.
I'm sure the professor can clone you a new nose.
It wouldn't be the same.
I want my nose.
I don't want to teach a new one how to shoot milk when I laugh.
Well, there's no sense fretting.
Good Lord, you're ugly.
The fact is, your nose is gone and we'll never find out who did it or why.
Guys.
Guys.
There's something on television.
Alien abductions.
Until now, a harmless nuisance.
But recently, they've taken on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting victims are returned without noses.
- Like me! - The culprits: Shameless poachers, hunting humans without a permit.
The valuable nose, or human horn fetches a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac.
My nose is an aphrodisiac? I'm gonna drop a barf.
Demand for human horn is great, due in part to titillating scenes from depraved alien TV programs too filthy for Earth broadcast.
Let's watch.
Human horn? But it is forbidden.
So is our love.
We have to track down my nose before some alien snarfs it and does the worm.
Who's in? Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg, if he feels like it.
No, I'm good.
Let's see, I'll take a pancreas, two sphincters and a large Coke.
One number 3 combo.
It's no use.
We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery Barn.
Wait.
What's that? Welcome, friends.
How may I pervert you? - Uh I'm looking for human horn.
- Shh! - You're not cops, right? - Of course not.
In fact, he's a crook.
Yep.
Stolen Pez, anyone? Right this way.
Human horn.
So fresh you can still see the eyeglass marks.
Nope.
Uh-uh.
Ew! Look, this is the nose we want.
Did you sell it to somebody? I'm sorry, sir, but due to the perverted nature of our business customer records are strictly confidentiaI.
Right this way.
I videotape everyone who comes in here so I can blackmaiI them later.
Ew! Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster.
What do I care what you think? Here's the weirdo who bought your horn.
That's Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8.
You got any, you know, human horn? - Speak up, you're muttering.
- I said Human horn? - You're not a cop, right? - oh, no, no.
I'm just some guy, ruler of the planet omicron Persei 8! So let me get this straight.
If I buy eight Caramello bars, you all get to go to some camp? Yep.
That's exactly the lie we used to get past your guards.
Oh, great space king, I humbly beg you to return my human horn.
Human horn? How ridiculous.
Why would a virile male like Lrrr need human horn? I don't even know what it's for.
What is it - something you put in salad dressing? - Like you've ever seen a salad.
My weight is appropriate and attractive.
You guys have issues.
She has issues.
I'm fine.
But there's no human horn around here, so make friends with the door.
All right, I give up.
I guess I'll just go home and marry a skunk.
Oh, let's just give it to him.
Here.
My nose! Light of my face! What is that? How do you have that, Ndnd? I've never seen it before.
My friend left it here.
Hold still, Fry.
I can reattach it with my emergency face laser.
Hey, you burned my cheek.
Yeah, sorry, I wasn't really concentrating.
No, I mean- The singed flesh, I can smell it.
- And those lilacs on the table.
- At least someone noticed.
For the last time, I don't like lilacs.
Your first wife was the one who liked lilacs.
She also liked to shut up.
- Well, great seeing you.
We'll be on our- - Yo, Highness.
Just out of robo-curiosity, why would you use a guy's nose for an aphrodisiac instead of his, you know, wing-dang-doodle? But I thought the horn was the human wing-dang-doodle.
No sir, chief.
The main event, so to speak, is downstairs near the wallet.
Ever seen soccer players line up to block a free kick? They ain't covering their noses, I'll tell you that much.
Well, see you.
Interesting.
The trousers conceaI a tiny secondary horn.
- Hey, what have you heard? - Guards, seize him.
Prepare to harvest the lower horn.
Okay, you can have my nose.
- Guards.
- Yeah? Remove the human's lower horn and prepare it to be eaten by me.
In other words, slop a lot of ketchup and salt on it.
Then bring it to our royaI bedchamber and put it in the sock drawer with the other things that have failed to arouse my passion for this woman.
- Remove pants.
- Wait.
Listen I'm usually the first guy to toot my own horn- I'll say! Whoo! But in this case I don't think it's gonna do any good.
That's what she said! Whoo! Let's face it.
You two have deep relationship problems that can't be solved by an aphrodisiac.
However huge it might be.
So, what do you suggest, painfully single human? Why don't you think back to what brought you together in the first place? Oh, I don't know.
Lrrr used to be so tender.
I only wrote that poem to test my printer.
We'd go walking in the woods and Lrrr would find injured tinkle bunnies and nurse them back to health.
- Yes, but I'm the one who injured them.
- Oh, shush.
You stepped on them by accident and then you cried all night.
That's the kind of sensitive man you used to be.
And you used to wear a size 3 cape, but not anymore! Now, bring me that lower horn while I'm still in the mood! What if we got your passion back without mutilating me? Yeah.
We know a great place in the mountains.
We could take you there for a romantic dinner under the stars.
Sounds interesting.
But he would never do it.
Oh, like hell I wouldn't.
I'm not gonna be blamed for not going.
Then it's a deaI.
We get one night.
I keep my horn as long as you two end up doing the horizontaI monster mash.
Oh! I don't get it.
Bonjour.
May I offer you a box of wine for the edge of the table? No, thanks.
Just water, please.
Tap water.
Oh, big spender.
That's it.
This date is over.
Waiter.
- So, what can I get you this evening? - Your lower horn.
I'll just start you off with some bread.
Some sexy, arousing bread.
Fine.
But none of that whole-grain goat food.
And bring plenty of melted butter.
Why don't you just inject some fat straight into your ass and cut out the middleman? One of these days, Ndnd.
Bang.
Zoom.
Straight to the third moon of Omicron Persei 8.
Mmm.
This jerked chicken is good.
I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
It's used to it! Whoo! So how are you two snoogy-pookums doing? - Poorly.
- My wife is right, for once.
There's very little magic in the air.
Ready the lower horn transport vesseI.
Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin.
- Hey, mind if I stick these in here? - Go for it.
Don't worry, Fry.
Things look bad, but I still have a trump card.
The most beautifuI love song ever written.
The humans are attacking! Pluck the lower horn and let's get out of here! Quick, Fry, run for it.
Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Ah! Come on, freedom cage.
Roll me to safety! Ow! Ow! Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out.
Just like at the movie theater! Whoo! Give me that.
Bigfoot! He's reaI.
I knew it.
The Loch Ness monster's book was right.
Well, hello there, my furry friend.
Look at his adorable little feet.
Yes, you are a cutie pie.
Holy macaroni! I can't believe I'm seeing Bigfoot.
And he's in focus.
Oh, I've waited my entire life for this moment.
- What? - What are you doing with that? You're going to kill this innocent giganto? Of course not.
I'm just gonna tranquilize him so I can chop off his feet as proof he exists then dump him back in the wild.
He'll do fine.
You'll have to get through me first.
Okay.
Nighty-night.
Ah! Now, leave this gentle Sasquatch, or Wood Ape, in peace so I can finally and at long last harvest this pathetic human's lower horn.
Yeah! Wait.
What am I saying? If I poach this beast's lower horn, am I any better than that ranger with his demented foot lust? Yes, but not by enough.
Score.
This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures.
A living thing.
And all living things, large and small- In this case, small! Whoo! Have dignity and a spark of the divine.
That's the gentle, sensitive poet warlord I fell in love with.
Oh, yeah You'll want to retreat to a safe, 500-meter radius.
Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold on to your lower horn.
As usuaI! Whoo! Run away! There, right there, right there.
Oh, yeah.
You're on a scenic route through a state recreation area known as the human mind.
You ask a passerby for directions only to find he has no face or something.
Suddenly up ahead, a door in the road.
You swerve, narrowly avoiding The Scary Door.
I have combined the DNA of the world's most eviI animals to make the most eviI creature of them all.
It turns out it's man.