Hey Arnold! (1996) s05e12 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
All right, people,
I'm only going to say
this once,
so listen up.
Rhonda, I want you
on second base,
Harold, you're gonna
play catcher.
Aw, I hate that
stupid catcher's uniform.
It makes me all sweaty.
Harold, how many times
do I have to tell you.
It's better to look good
than to feel good.
Yeah, lard boy,
so shut up and quit
complaining.
All right, where was I?
Phoebe, you play
left field.
Stinko, take
the hot corner.
Hot corner?
What in the heck
is that?
What Helga is referring to
is the third base position,
the hot corner is simply
a slang term which attempts
to elucidate
the high volume
of balls hit
in the general direction
Yeah, what she said,
anyway, Geraldo,
you're on first.
And Sid,
you take right field.
Right field, boy, howdy,
that's the worst position
on the whole field.
I'm completely insulted.
Stop overreacting, Sid
and cool out.
Lila, you're center field.
I'm ever so certain
that I just adore
center field, Helga.
In fact, it's my
all-time favorite position.
Uh-huh, okay,
that just leaves Arnold.
Looks like you're shortstop,
short man.
Hey, where is
the football head?
I told him practice
was at 4:00 sharp.
ARNOLD: Hey, guys.
HELGA: Nice of you to show up,
hair boy.
Now get your scrawny butt
to shortstop, pronto.
Actually, Helga, I just
came to say I can't play
baseball after all.
I forgot that I'm
supposed to visit
Arnie this weekend.
Arnie? You mean
your, oh, so interesting
and likable
country cousin that looks
almost exactly like you,
only much more attractive?
That's one twisted
version of the story.
No kidding, I mean,
no offense, buddy,
but have you forgotten
how weird things get
whenever Arnie's around?
It's like a nightmare.
Oh, come on, Gerald.
He's not that bad.
Not that bad?
Arnold, the boy
collects lint.
And he's always
counting food
instead of eating it.
And he talks about gum.
And let's not forget
that phlegmy snort.
(SNORTS)
Face the music, Arnold,
your cousin's just
dull as dirt.
I'm afraid I have
to concur.
Okay, so maybe
my cousin isn't perfect.
And maybe our
last visit wasn't great.
That doesn't mean
things won't be better
this time.
Anyway, good luck
with the game, I'll see you
guys in a few days.
I think you're the one
who's gonna need the luck,
my friend.
Oh, Arnold, my most
lovesome beloved,
whatever will I do
without seeing your
yummy oblong face
for two whole days?
(SIGHS)
All right, batter up.
(WHIRRING)
(BIRD WAILING)
(RUSTLING)
Hi, Arnie.
Hey.
So, what have you been
up to lately?
Waiting for you.
(SNORTS)
Sorry, my bus
was a little late.
Twenty three minutes,
I counted.
Anyway, I brought you
some of these little
packets of peanuts
from the bus station
vending machine.
I know how much
you like to read
the ingredients.
Peanuts, cottonseed oil.
Salt. (SNORTS)
Let's go.
That's my mailbox.
And that's my lucky
pile of dirt.
And this, this is Abigail.
(BOTH SNORT)
So, I take it
this must be your house?
Yeah, come on.
I'll show you
my lint ball collection.
Great.
GIRL: Hi.
Hi.
I suppose you must be
Arnie's oh,
so interesting, likable
and attractive city cousin
that I've heard
oh, so much about.
Yeah, I mean, yes.
I'm Arnold.
I'm Lulu.
She's my girlfriend.
(SNORTS)
I'm gonna show Arnold
my lint.
I'm oh, too certain
that a city boy like Arnold
would much rather go
about on a jaunt
about town
than look at your
ever so boring lint balls.
Am I right, Arnold?
I guess.
Great, let's go.
(SNORTS)
So, this is our all-time
favorite swimming hole.
All the kids gather here,
in fact I'm, oh, so sure
I see our friends
Stumpy and Fifi.
Gosh, Fifi. I certainly
do revere your new maillot.
Mayo? What the heck's
that means, Stumpy?
It's French
for bathing suit.
Oh.
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
(SPLASHES)
Lulu, are you okay?
I'm oh, so certain
that I'm just fine,
but I'd be
a lot better if you'd agree
to meet me later,
for an ever
so private swim.
Excuse me?
Perhaps around
8:30, when
Arnie's asleep.
But you're Arnie's
girlfriend.
(SNORTS)
LULU: And this is our
oh, so quaint
country store.
And look, there's Gerard
and Kid.
Two more of our
ever so colorful
classmates.
11 cents? Boy, howdy,
that's completely outrageous,
it's unacceptable.
Quit overreacting,
Gerard, and cool out.
One, two, three.
Now, Arnold, be a dear
and get me some of that
oh, so delicious-looking
apple butter,
will you?
Sure.
Lulu, what are you doing?
I'm oh, so certain
that I'm tickling
your tummy, Arnold.
Well, don't.
But I can't help it, Arnold,
I like you like you.
But, what about Arnie?
Thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen. (SNORTS)
LULU: Well, here it is,
Arnold, our ever so charming
country movie theater.
Rhoda, you dribbled
on your shirt, again.
So?
So? You look like
a giant slob.
It's embarrassing.
How many times do
I have to tell you,
Harry, I don't care
what I look like.
I'm gonna go
get some gum. (SNORTS)
Plain-flavored gum.
Arnold, would you like
something ever so sweet
as well?
Uh, sure.
Lulu, what are you doing?
I'm certain that
I'm trying to kiss you.
Kiss me? But you're
Arnie's girlfriend
and we're nine.
Oh, Arnold, I'm sure that
you're just oh, too square.
That's it, I gotta go
get some air.
Oh, most luminous orb
in the indigo sky,
looketh you upon
my ideal guy?
Oh, all-knowing
lunar sphere,
taunting from above.
Wilst thou never guide me
to my one true love?
BOTH: Oof!
Hi.
Hello.
Do I know you?
I don't think so.
I'm Arnold.
Hilda, nice to meet you.
Sorry I knocked you over.
Ah, it's not your fault,
I was the one sitting
on the ground, after all.
Yeah, what were you
doing exactly?
Oh, you know,
just reciting some poetry.
I was gonna see
a movie, but then I noticed
the moon here
and decided that I'd
rather watch it instead.
It's just so inspiring,
don't you think?
Yeah.
Judging by how fast
you were running away from
the theater,
I'd say I made
the right choice.
Actually, it wasn't
the movie I was running
away from.
It's my cousin's girlfriend.
She's completely crazy,
she just tried to kiss me.
(ARNIE SNORTS)
Did you get your air?
Hey, Arnie, I mean, yes,
I did get my air
and well, then I met
Hilda here,
and we've been talking
and I just figured you
and Lulu might want
some time alone, so
I didn't hurry back.
But now he's ready
to go back inside
and I'm gonna go with him.
What about the moon?
Oh, forget about it.
I suddenly have
a whole new inspiration.
(SNORTS)
(SCREAMING)
(CACKLING)
(SNORTS)
Cut it out.
(GIGGLES)
So, Hilda, would you
like an ice cream nugget?
Hmm.
Oh, I mean,
sure, Arnold.
You, uh,
want another one?
Actually, Arnold,
I think it's a little
too cold for ice cream.
In fact, I think,
I'm gonna move
over there.
You know, where
the air conditioning
can't blow on me.
So, whatever
should we do next?
Actually, I was thinking
I'd head back to Arnie's
and turn in early.
Hilda, do you want me
to walk you home?
Home? But it's still
early, Arnold.
The night is young.
(SNORTS)
Let's go on
a hayride.
(HORSE WHINNIES)
Oh, please.
(SNORTS)
(SIGHS)
Hey, look, a daisy.
Here, Hilda.
Thanks, Arnold,
it's beautiful.
Only I'm kind
of allergic to flowers.
Why don't you take it,
Arnie, it'll match your hair.
Thanks.
(YAWNS)
Stop it, Lulu, I know
you did that on purpose.
(SNORING)
Hey, you got a little straw
on your hair, let me
get it for you.
Uh, don't be silly, Arnold,
you'll wake up Lulu.
I'll just have Arnie here
take care of it for me.
Okay.
HILDA: Well, thanks, Arnold,
I had a really great time.
Actually, I don't think
I ever had so much fun
with a guy before.
I'm so glad you said
that, Hilda,
I mean, after
the air conditioning
being too cold.
And well, you being
allergic to the flower
I gave you.
And the whole Lulu
falling asleep
on me thing.
I wasn't sure
how things were going.
But now that
I know how you feel,
I might as well
just come out with it.
I've never met
anyone like you, Hilda,
and I really like you
a lot.
Uh, actually, Arnold.
The guy I was talking about
was Arnie.
Arnie?
Well, yeah.
He's interesting and likable
and attractive.
I couldn't help
but go all goofy
for him.
(CROPS RUSTLING)
(SNORTS)
(YELPS)
I realize why
you came here, Arnold.
It's so you could steal
my girl,
and now, now,
you're gonna pay for it.
(ALL SHRIEKING)
ALL: (CHANTING)
Fight, fight, fight.
BOTH: Fight, fight, fight.
(GASPS)
ALL: (CHANTING)
Fight, fight, fight.
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(PANTING)
I wonder
what day it is?
Okay people, listen up,
we're short
a shortstop today, so
ARNOLD: Helga?
HELGA: Arnold?
I mean, what are you
doing here, football head?
I thought you were
supposed to be visiting
your lame-o cousin Arnie.
Wow, Helga,
it really is you.
(SIGHS)
Well, d'oy,
of course, it's me, hair boy.
Whomever did you think
she was, Arnold?
Lila, do you like me,
like me? Or do you just
like me?
Well, I'm certain
that I just like you,
Arnold.
Right, I mean,
that's good to hear.
Arnold, I can't help
but notice you're acting
a little eccentric.
Ex-centric?
What in the heck's
that mean?
It means weird,
and that's a major
understatement.
I mean, the boy
is wearing pajamas,
for heaven's sake.
And look, they have
little bears on 'em.
(LAUGHING)
SID: Boy, howdy,
talk about embarrassing.
Uh, Arnold, what's going on?
What's wrong with you, buddy?
Nothing's wrong,
Gerald, everything's great.
And I'm really, really
glad to be home.
(SIGHS)
HAROLD: All right.
(LAUGHING)
Look at him,
look at all those wrappers.
He's like a hungry dog,
he'll eat anything.
Not anything, idiot.
Just any kind
of chocolate.
Yo, Chocolate Boy.
You want some
more chocolate?
Yeah, I want more chocolate,
yeah, yeah.
If you want a chocolate bar,
you have to hop up
and down.
On one foot.
Now, run around
and bark like a dog.
Go.
(BARKING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Good doggie.
I have another idea.
(WHISPERING)
Ah, good one.
Now, Chocolate Boy,
listen up, I got
a 10-pound bag
of chocolate
at home.
Ooh, 10 pounds?
10 pounds of chocolate?
Yeah, and I'll give you
that chocolate.
Give me it,
you have to give me it.
But first, you have to go
two weeks without eating
any chocolate.
No chocolate?
None? Two weeks?
Right, but then,
10 pounds
of chocolate.
Imagine him
with no chocolate,
Wolfgang.
He'll lose his mind,
he'll tear his eyes out.
He can't do it.
I'll do it.
WOLFGANG: Hey, Mickey,
get over here.
I got a job for you,
you tail Chocolate Boy,
make sure he doesn't
eat any chocolate,
none at all
for two weeks,
got it?
Now get out
of here, no chocolate.
Oh, and Mickey,
our usual fee.
(GASPS)
(WHISTLING)
(SCREAMS)
You wanna stop
eating chocolate?
Yeah, I really do,
I need to get off
chocolate,
no more chocolate.
But that's what you do,
you eat chocolate,
that's your name,
Chocolate Boy.
I know, I know,
but I need to get
off chocolate.
No more chocolate
for two weeks.
You're always helping people,
Arnold, will you help me?
Cure Chocolate Boy?
Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.
I know you've done some
miraculous things in the past,
helped Pigeon Man
and Stoop Kid,
found Mr. Hyunh's daughter,
saved Mighty Pete
and freed that turtle
from the aquarium.
Saved the boarding house,
and settled
the teacher's strike.
I mean, that's
quite a resume.
But get real, you can
never get Chocolate Boy
off chocolate.
It'd be easier to push
a 2000-pound boulder
up an icy mountain.
Or teach a goldfish
how to play the clarinet.
Or fry an egg
on the sidewalk
on a hot summer day.
Actually, Sid,
that is possible.
Look, I know it sounds
crazy, but it really seems
like Chocolate Boy
wants to give it
a try.
You're a bold kid,
Arnold.
A bold kid.
Or how about trying
to make a cake
on a raft in a river
during a hail storm?
The show's over, Sid.
ARNOLD:
Come on, Chocolate Boy.
You have to give up
all your chocolate.
Yeah, that's all of it.
(CLOCK CHIMING)
I forgot that one.
Chocolate,
chocolate.
Two days
without chocolate.
(BELL RINGING)
Hi, chocolate,
come to me, chocolate.
(SCREAMS)
Chocolate Boy,
are you okay?
I'm fine, I'm very tired,
I'm very Chocolate.
(SNORING)
How long has he
been off chocolate?
Six days.
Water, it's real good
and cold.
I saw a funny TV show
last night,
a man was cutting
a watermelon wearing a hat
and he fell
and kept on falling,
and at dinner,
my dad told me about
his first pet dog,
named Sporty.
I'm trying not
to think about chocolate.
Six days, huh?
And eight to go.
Look at these ants,
they're so happy
in a line.
Little ants in a line.
Little chocolate ants
in a little chocolate line.
Willikers!
He's He's
He's licking ants!
How many days?
Ten and four to go.
Two weeks,
I did it.
Fourteen days.
Congratulations,
you did it.
Yeah, yeah,
two weeks,
no chocolate.
Have you seen Wolfgang?
I never thought
you could do it.
How about some chocolate,
Chocolate Boy?
Chocolate.
ARNOLD: You're not going
to break him down, Wolfgang.
He's a changed kid.
Here you go, Chocolate Boy,
you won the bet
fair and square.
What bet?
What's going on?
Didn't he tell you?
I bet him if he didn't eat
any chocolate for two weeks,
I'd give him
a 10-pound bag.
(BOTH LAUGH)
You really showed him.
I can't believe you.
I followed you around
for two weeks,
just because of a bet?
Yeah, yeah, two weeks,
no chocolate.
But I thought
you really wanted to quit.
Uh, I'm sorry, Arnold,
I gotta go.
Well, win some,
lose some, buddy.
Yeah, but I really thought
he wanted to change.
WOLFGANG:
What? Finished already?
You're pathetic.
Yeah, yeah, need more
chocolate, yeah.
I'll give you more chocolate,
but first, you have to do
a little dance for us.
Okay.
ALL: Dance.
Dance. Dance.
(ALL CHANTING) Dance.
(ALL LAUGHING)
WOLFGANG: (LAUGHS)
Look at him.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Chocolate,
chocolate, chocolate.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Arnold, I need your help,
I need to get off chocolate.
No more chocolate.
You realize, Chocolate Boy,
that we had this conversation
once before.
I know, but I'm serious
this time,
I need to get off
chocolate, I mean,
dancing for malted milk balls
and digging in dumpsters.
I'm like a clown,
a chocolate clown.
Will you help me, please?
Well, you didn't bet
Wolfgang, did you?
Some of this may be
hard to watch.
Ready?
Ready.
(SCREAMS)
Sorry you had
to see that.
So, how does it
make you feel?
Makes me feel
It makes me feel
Like chocolate.
I feel like eating
lots and lots of chocolate.
(SIGHS)
Boy, it's hot in here.
Why are we doing this?
You need to sweat
all the chocolate out of you.
And make you pure
to start a new life
free from domination
by your obsessive
fixation.
I don't know what
that means, but it's
really hot in here.
Listen, your obsession
with chocolate is unhealthy,
and if we work together,
you can be free of your need.
Yeah, so how long
do I have to be in here?
Now that you've sweated
all the chocolate out of
your system.
How do you feel?
I feel great.
Full of energy
and good thoughts
and boy,
could I use
some chocolate now.
Do you have any chocolate?
(SIGHS)
I thought you could try
a chocolate substitute,
it's called carob,
it's from a tree.
Hey, it's not bad,
it almost tastes
like chocolate.
Yep, you can eat
all you want.
(SIGHS)
Okay.
So, you're allergic
to carob.
We'll just have to
try something else.
(SPITS)
So, got anything else?
Well, there's
these radishes.
Hmm, these are okay.
They're pretty good
but they make me think
about chocolate.
(SIGHS)
All right, I guess
we're really going
to have to get serious
about this.
Come on, Chocolate Boy.
Okay, if we're going
to get you
off chocolate,
we have to figure out
why you're so obsessed
with it.
This is a watch,
I want you to watch it.
It goes back
and forth.
Watch the watch.
Concentrate.
Do you like chocolate?
Yes.
Did you like chocolate
when you were a little kid?
Yes.
Who gave you chocolate?
Your mom?
Yes No.
No, no, she didn't.
Your dad?
No, no, he didn't,
they said it was bad for me.
So who gave you
chocolate?
My nanny,
she gave me chocolate.
Did you like your nanny?
I loved my nanny.
And she loved me,
she took care of me
real good.
But then one day,
I came home from preschool
and she was leaving.
She said she had
to go far, far away
to a foreign land
called Delaware.
She said, "Goodbye,
be good and be happy."
Then she left and then
I went up to my room
and ate chocolate.
A lot of chocolate.
So, it sounds like
the reason you eat chocolate
is because you miss
your nanny.
Yes.
Yes, (SOBS)
I miss my nanny.
I miss my nanny.
(SNIFFS)
It's okay that you miss
your nanny.
But eating chocolate
is not going to bring
her back.
I know, I know.
She told you
to be good
and to be happy.
What would your nanny
think if she saw you now
eating chocolate
out of dumpsters?
And dancing
for malted milk balls?
She wouldn't like it,
'cause I'm not being good
and I'm not happy.
You can be happy
if you stop
eating chocolate.
I'm telling you this
'cause I'm your friend.
Do it for your nanny.
I can be good.
You can be happy.
I can be happy.
You don't need chocolate.
I don't need chocolate.
You're free.
I'm free.
I'm free, free of
chocolate. (LAUGHS) Yeah.
I'm free.
No more chocolate.
That's right, I heard
Chocolate Boy is done
eating chocolate.
Done forever.
I can't believe it.
Is it true, Arnold?
Ask him yourself.
Is it true, Chocolate Boy?
About you not eating
chocolate ever again?
Yup, no more chocolate,
I'm free of
my chocolate habit.
What are you talking about?
Your name's Chocolate Boy.
Now eat chocolate.
No, no, I don't want
chocolate.
Whoa, Chocolate Boy
doesn't want chocolate?
Pinch me, I'm dreaming.
(CRASHING)
Well, I guess miracles
can come true.
Arnold, I really, really
want to thank you
for helping me.
No problem, uh,
Chocolate Boy.
You seem to really
like those radishes.
Yeah, I really like 'em
a lot.
A real lot.
How many
have you eaten today?
Only about two
or 300.
Maybe I should
hold on to those for you.
No, no, I need these,
I gotta go, Arnold.
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)