Mom s05e12 Episode Script

1 And here you go, babe.
You made coffee? (chuckles) Better.
Kona.
I was really looking forward to coffee, but I'll give it a shot.
- Can I push the thing down? - Not until the duck quacks.
(duck quacking) Uh.
Uh-uh.
And now.
Oh.
Oh.
Don't cry.
You did good.
No, it's just all my life, I've seen people in TV commercials living like this.
Mm.
(chuckles) I never thought it would happen to me.
Well, it's happening, and it's not gonna stop.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
There's gonna be fluffy robes, fluffy dogs and push-down coffee forever? - You want me to lie to you? - Sure.
(groans) I wish I didn't have to go home tonight.
Yeah, me, too.
But, you know, it's it's hours away.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we take a walk on the beach, and then we'll warm up on the pier with some clam chowder.
In sourdough bowls? Well, they're always disappointing, but sure.
(timer dings) Mm.
What's that? Our scones are ready.
Scones? (exhales) Kiss me, so I know this is really happening.
(chuckles) Sunshine, lollipops and Rainbows, everything that's wonderful Is what I feel when we're together - Brighter than a lucky penny - (engine grinding) When you're near the rain (engine knocking, sputtering) (engine stops) (steam hissing) And I'm me again.
(groans) Hamilton.
We had tickets to Hamilton.
It was a high school production, Bonnie.
Still a tough ticket.
I'm sorry.
I know it's an imposition, but my car is completely dead.
Why did you call us instead of Patrick? Because he's a new boyfriend and everything's perfect.
I don't want him to know what a mess I am.
You live with your mom and you're an alcoholic; those are fairly large bread crumbs.
What'd the mechanic say? That I should have changed my oil at least once since I got the car.
You never changed your oil? I meant to.
I even put a Post-it in my car that said “change oil.
” And then I put my gum in it, and that was five years ago.
How are you gonna get by without a car? - I thought maybe my mom - Nope! - Please? - My car has 400,000 miles on it.
One week with your crazy schedule, and it'll just be me taping you to 50 balloons, hoping for the best.
Well, can I at least hitch a ride to meetings? (sighs) Of course.
But I am listening to Spanish language tapes, so you'll have to shut-o El trap-o.
Christy, I'd lend you my van, but it's all set up for me to drive.
Thanks.
I'll figure something out.
- Watch it.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Ow! - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I-I have to carry all my stuff in my bag; my car broke down.
No one cares! (brakes hiss) (shrieks) Oh, man.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- Nope.
- What? The Warriors are down by two with three minutes to go, and every time you come in this room, Steph Curry misses.
I got up to make you a sandwich.
And the minute you left, he nailed a three-pointer.
You're insane.
Steph's open.
Take the shot! Oh, you're killing me! Do you know how many babies throw up on the bus? All of them.
They ought to change the song.
The babies on the bus throw up, up, up.
Are you having dinner? Nope.
I've got 15 minutes to wash this day off of me, change my clothes, and head out to Patrick's.
It's a bus to a train to another bus, but it's worth it.
Is it? 'Cause you seem a little stressed out.
Really? You picking up on that, Dr.
Phil? And, by the way, who goes, “Hey, I'm on a bus, time to shave my calluses”? Wow.
Hey.
How about I give you a ride to the station? Oh, man.
How about you have this conversation in the kitchen? 'Cause he just missed another shot.
I'm sorry, Steph, there's two of them now.
Thanks, Mom.
That'd be great.
TV ANNOUNCER: third foul of the night - (sighs) - (mutes TV) You may stand near me; it's a time-out.
She looks awful.
How long can she keep going on like this? I don't know.
She's pretty tough.
For one whole year, she slept in a drawer.
- A lot of babies sleep in drawers.
- No, she was 13.
She fit in a drawer when she was 13? She fits now.
Listen, what if I lend Christy the money for a down payment on a car? That is so kind of you, but if you do, I will punch you right in the throat.
- Why? - Because I love you.
- What? - You lend her money, she can't pay you back, she starts avoiding you, you start complaining to me, I bring it up to her, she tells me to go to hell, I get mad at you, you and I break up, and I'm stuck with my backup guy at the tire department at Costco.
You have a backup guy? Please.
Like you wouldn't drive straight from my funeral to Trader Joe's to pick up Louise.
(forced chuckle): What? Is that her name? Oh, shut up.
Nobody has that many questions about cheese.
(over ear-buds): Sunshine, lollipops And rainbows, everything that's wonderful Is what I feel when We're together, brighter than a lucky You need some help with that? You need a mascara wand in your eye? (doorbell rings) Oh, man.
- There you are.
- Hi.
I was so worried about you.
I mean, I was texting you for, like, three hours.
- Yeah.
Sorry about that.
- That's okay.
Phone died, took a bus, let's get it on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Why were you on a bus? - Ah, car died.
Didn't change the oil.
Let's get it on.
Oh, wait, wait.
Hold on.
Y-You took a bus all the way down from Napa? And a train and another bus.
- Why are your pants still on? - Okay, I'm taking my pants off.
Taking them off.
But hey, but, uh, tomorrow we are getting you a car.
- I can't afford a car.
- Well, mm Well, that's why I said “we”.
I'll lend you the money.
No, no, no.
I appreciate it, but we're still at the “coffee and fluffy robe” stage.
- Let's not ruin it.
- No, no, no.
- I know you're good for it.
- Uh, no, I'm not.
- Ah.
Cute underwear.
- Uh, thanks.
Mm.
They're my “I got me a new girlfriend” underwear.
Mm-hmm.
What's the matter? Something sticky in your hair.
Oh, God, that could be anything.
I'm getting worried about Christy missing meetings.
Ooh.
Was I supposed to pick her up? Oh, well.
Maybe we could take up a collection and buy her a new car.
Adam offered to float her a down payment, but I said, “Never lend money to a Plunkett.
” They should actually put that on money.
Riding the bus isn't so bad.
Except for that one time a guy leaned his head on my shoulder and died.
There was a time I loved taking the bus.
I used to strike up a conversation with whoever sat down next to me.
Of course you did.
MAN: Hey, lady.
You can't sleep here.
What? What's going on? End of the line.
Where am I? Stockton.
Stockton? Where the hell is Stockton? Thank you so much for picking me up.
I know it was a long drive.
Yeah, two hours.
Gonna be two hours back, too, so that's a total of four hours.
I am so sorry.
- Cheesy peanut butter cracker? - Uh, sure.
Vending machine dinner? I wish.
I found 'em on an empty seat.
Open or closed? Closed.
I'm not an animal.
It's probably not my place, and I don't mean to offend you, but I've been thinking, how 'bout I loan you some money for a down payment on a car? Great.
Is there a dealership open right now? Whoa.
I had a whole thing prepared to talk you into it.
Well, waking up in Stockton smacked the pride right out of me.
But we have to keep it on the DL, because Patrick offered me a loan, and I said no.
Yeah, let's keep it away from your mom, too.
She shot me down when I brought this up a couple of weeks ago.
What? Why'd she shut you down? She said it was a bad idea to loan money to anyone in your family.
Oh, she's right.
What you're doing is stupid, and two grand should get it done.
The kick is up oh, and it's good! (imitating crowd cheering) Hey, Baxter? Oh, God, what did I do? Nothing.
I want to buy a car.
Can you just tell me why you're mad and skip the mind games? I'm not here as your ex.
I really do want to buy a car.
You know, they cost money.
And I have some.
Well, then, come right in! Can I get you a complimentary cappuccino? Hot chocolate? Chicken soup? They all come out of the same machine; it's a miracle.
Just the car, thanks.
I want a new one with buttons and seat heaters and a working turn signal.
But it still has to be really cheap, so I need a deal.
Where'd you get the money? Oh, God.
Christy, are you gambling again? And if so, who do you like tonight, Sharks or Calgary? I'm not gambling, and only idiots bet on hockey.
Well, WNBA season doesn't start for a while.
Oh.
I know what's happening here.
Your new little boyfriend is underwriting this dream.
Hey, that's offensive.
I got the money from my mom's boyfriend.
My new guy offered, and I said no.
That is nothing to be proud of.
Be like me.
Find someone rich that you don't hate, and kick back.
You're still cute enough to nab a sugar daddy.
I should have gone to Nissan.
Yeah, those are great cars.
Face it, you and me, we're arm candy.
Got to use it before you lose it.
So you're saying I should drain everything I can out of my boyfriend before I become an old hag? Ticktock.
I always heard about this new-car smell.
(chuckles) I never knew it was real.
- Can you smell it? - I can.
- And? - Uh, definite upgrade.
Yeah, I just couldn't get that wet-dog smell out of my old car.
Oh, yeah, you had a dog? Nope.
Therein lies the mystery.
- Ooh, ooh, check this out.
- (horn honks) (laughs) I don't have to roll down the window and yell “honk honk” anymore.
(chuckles) That's great, babe.
Where'd you get the money? My ex-husband sells cars, and he also loaned me the down payment.
Ooh, check this out.
Satellite radio.
Do you want to hear the Canadian comedy channel? H-Hold on.
So, uh, you wouldn't take money from me, but you took it from your ex-husband? Yeah, because that relationship's already burned down.
Has it? I mean, what's this guy doing loaning you money? - He's just a good guy.
- Well, I'm a good guy, but I don't write my ex any checks I don't have to.
So, does he want to get back together with you? Oh, God, no.
Trust me, we tried a couple times; it did not work out.
- A couple of times? - Not recently.
- Ah.
Well, when? - Not since he got engaged.
Wait, not since he got married.
You know, this story's not getting better.
Okay, look, I promised I wouldn't say anything, but I got the money from your brother.
What? Let's not make it a thing, okay? Yeah.
(scoffs) Of course not.
(TV playing quietly) Where do you get off loaning my girlfriend money? You did what?! - I thought it wasn't a thing! - Nice job keeping a secret! I had to tell him; he thought I was sleeping with my ex.
You're sleeping with Baxter again? No! No! All right, we're cleaning this up.
How much did you loan her? 'Cause I'm giving it back to you right now with interest.
- No, do not take his money.
- Oh, I'm not taking his money.
- Well, somebody's taking my money.
- We could use a new fridge.
Consider it done.
Blank check, there you go.
You lend my girlfriend money, I lend your girlfriend money.
How's that feel? Great.
Finally my beer will be cold.
Patrick, you cannot give money to my mom.
Especially a blank check.
She'll have a black wig and new fingerprints by sundown.
Look, your woman had a problem, I solved it.
Don't get all threatened.
His woman? Screw you.
Screw you! Screw both of you! Excuse excuse me.
I think I need to sit down for a minute.
- You okay? - Yeah, it's just everybody's fighting, and nobody's mad at me.
I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
- Hey, Baxter.
- Hey.
- Sorry to interrupt your lunch.
- Don't be.
Candace made me a kale and salmon wrap.
She fooled me 'cause it looked like a burrito.
Thanks for taking the car back.
I only put ten miles on it, but they were the happiest ten miles of my life.
Ugh.
Good-bye, sweet silver sedan.
Take it.
Rip the Band-Aid off.
Christy, I'm not taking the car back.
Unbelievable.
You promised.
You are the most selfish, unreliable person I've ever met, and that includes my mother.
And why the hell are you smiling?! 'Cause you're gonna feel so terrible in a second.
What does that mean? I'm buying you the car.
What? Look, we always focus on the bad stuff you did to me, but I did a lot of bad things to you.
I would disappear for days on end, I smoked your weed, I slept with your friends.
Friends? I thought it was one.
One friend six times, six friends one time.
The point is over the years, I've watched you make up for all the bad stuff you did wrong, and I found it really inspiring.
So, this is me making an amendment to you.
It's actually called an “amends.
” Dude, I'm giving you a free car.
Get off my ass.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
But isn't Candace going to be upset about you spending money on me? Eh, she'll never know.
I had a secret start-a-new-life fund, but then I realized, who am I kidding? Money's turned me into a house cat.
Thank you, Baxter.
Oh Oh.
Wait.
You're not doing this so you can sleep with me, are you? Christy, I'm married.
So only if you insist.
- I'm good.
- Cool, cool.
You know, Baxter was kind of a dick to me, too.
You think I can get a car? Maybe you can get an oil change, like the one I'm getting in, uh, 2,981 miles.
- (chuckles) - Whoa, whoa.
A granola bar? Why don't you just saw a piece of wood in here? So I guess it's a no on this incredibly ripe peach? How are you gonna tell Patrick about the car? Mm.
I ran him by the dealership to meet Baxter, who was hiding from his boss in a large tire.
Patrick's no longer threatened.
Well played.
(chuckles) Son of a bitch! Can I eat my peach now?