My Family (2000) s05e12 Episode Script

Phew! The end.
Finished my book, Susan.
- Well, how was it? - It was good.
- And? - Really good.
Haven't you got any more to say? Wow! Is that it? You've been reading that book for the best part of a year.
Best part of my year.
Look, if you asked me about my book, and I'm not holding my breath, I'd say, it was a safe port in a literary Sargasso, a loving picture of existence in a small village Susan, Susan, I'm bored.
OK, you want a well-reasoned critique? OK, here it is.
Here it is.
The Bear And The Dragon is a pulse-pounding tour de force.
Tom Clancy has done it again.
Publishers Weekly.
- OK, forget the last bit.
- Forget all of it.
Why do you analyse everything? - What do you mean by that? - You see? There you go, analysing.
When you eat a banana, you just enjoy it for what it is, don't you? You don't review it.
"Oh, that banana was so delightfully curved, so pale and yellow from start to finish, "a brilliant follow-up to the orange.
" You see? You can do it if you try.
- Are you sure this is going to be enough? - It'll do for now.
I really appreciate this, Mum.
Hello, darling.
Great to see you.
I swear you get more handsome every day.
- What was that? - What was what? - That thing you handed to Janey.
- Nothing.
- It looked like a cheque.
- It's a loan.
She'll pay us back.
Won't you? What? She'll pay us back when I'm dead.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
She's using me as a cashpoint, and I don't like where she's sticking the card.
This is serious, Ben.
Our daughter's going through a rough patch.
I can't keep writing cheques.
- You're right.
You could give her a job.
- What? - Can't I just have the cheque? - Yeah, give her the cheque.
- Ben, she deserves a chance.
- A chance to what? Ruin my career as well as my life? - What qualifications has she got? - What qualifications does she need? She's good at using the phone, making dates, cancelling them and dealing with frightened men.
- She does not want to work with me.
Do you? - Actually, I do.
- See? She What? - Yeah.
It sounds a doddle.
Does your phone make international calls? - Thanks, Ben.
That is so sweet.
- What have I done? - You've hired Janey.
- No, I mean, what have I done? Here's him when he's running out of milk.
My favourite is when I told him I flushed his cufflinks down the loo.
The best one is when he realises he's being made fun of, and he's like Oh, that's not good.
He's got it.
- Oh, hi, Ben.
- Are you two doing impressions of me? Dad, it means you've arrived.
- What's so funny? - They're doing impressions of me.
Oh.
Michael, do Ben when he's run out of milk.
(Laughing) That's not funny.
Want to know how I look when I throttle you, Michael? - And you're next! - Oh, sorry.
I've got to go.
I'm off to get tickets for Coldplay.
I've waited for the night when Chris Martin sees me in the crowd and beckons me to the stage.
Sorry, Abi.
Can I interrupt you for a second? Lovely weather we're having.
It could happen.
Oh, excuse me.
- Oh, hello, Mr Griffin.
- Please, call me John.
- All right, John.
- I stopped by to invite you to a book club.
Oh, sounds fun.
I thought it would be a nice way to get to know each other.
- Of course, you're invited too.
- Oh, thank you.
Can't make it.
Going to be busy doing something.
Great.
Our first gathering's Tuesday evening.
We're reading Cold Mountain.
- Is there anything I can bring? - Just your lovely smile.
- I'll look forward do it.
- Until Tuesday, then.
What? I've got five more chapters to get through.
Can't you wait? - How long will it take? - I don't know.
A few hours.
I can guarantee I won't take that long.
- Ben, people are counting on me to finish this.
- Who? - My book club.
- Oh, the book club.
Oh.
Wouldn't want to disappoint them, would we? - OK, fine, let's do it.
- OK, let's do it.
Not enjoying this as much as I am, are you? I'm sorry, but when they ask about chapter ten, I can't tell them I was satisfying my husband.
I don't mind that getting out.
Honestly, Ben, I don't see why you don't come with me.
- It'd be nice to get to know our neighbours.
- I already know them.
They're all pillocks.
Some people like Mr Griffin enjoy sharing thoughts and ideas.
Oh, please.
He just wants to get you alone for an hour.
- All he's interested in is lively discourse.
- Yeah, yeah.
Lively something course.
If you're so jealous, why don't you come with me? I'm not that jealous.
Roger's here to see you.
Oh, no, I'm here to see the whole family, not just Abi in particular.
How are you, Abi? Terrible.
Coldplay's sold out.
I can't get tickets anywhere.
That's awful.
Coldplay? - A band.
- I'd do anything for them tickets.
- Oh, I'm going to miss Chris Martin.
- It's tragic.
- Chris Martin? - Lead singer.
He's so brooding, dark and dismal.
You know, I can be pretty moody myself, I can assure you, Abi.
Yeah.
Damn life.
Now, what do you say we go and buy some ice cream and wash these blues right out of our hair? Sorry, Roger, I'm not in the mood to do anything, even put an ice cream in my hair.
Michael, Michael, if I got tickets to this "cold play", do you think Abi would go out with me? She said she'd do anything.
If only I could get tickets.
Today is your lucky day.
How much do you want for them? I'm going to write a figure down on a piece of paper.
What? I can't afford this! It's a shame, but Abi had a really sexy outfit lined up.
All right.
All right.
How about this figure? - Be reasonable, Michael.
I can't afford more.
- Abi! - What? - That'll be all.
- Will you take a cheque? - That wasn't too difficult, was it? Please, just give me the tickets.
- Abi! Abi! - Don't tell her yet.
The more depressed she is, the more of a hero you'll look.
- What do you want? - Nothing.
I'm getting sick of this.
Roger Bailey, you sly devil.
I hope you get on well with your bank manager, Mr Fleming.
(Baby crying) You're going to need root canal.
Excuse me.
- Janey! - What? Please, this is a surgery, not a nursery.
The only screams I want to hear are those of Mr Fleming.
I can't help it.
Kenzo's a baby.
Every now and then, they cry.
- Have you tried his bottle? - Duh! Oh, hello there, little Kenzo.
Coochie-coochie-coo.
Oh, wow! A meeting of minds! He really likes you, Roger.
(Phone ringing) - Could you get that, Dad? - No.
I'm up to my elbows in Mr Fleming.
- It's your job.
- Oh, all right.
I'll answer it again.
- Here you are, Roger.
- Oh, right.
Hello there.
Oh who's a pretty boy, then? Who's a pretty boy? Pretty Polly.
Pretty Polly.
Roger, that's parrots.
Right, where were we? - (Sniffing) - Oh, my - Oh, Mr Harper, what did you have for lunch? - It's not me, you idiot.
- It's not me either.
- Janey! - I think it's baby Kenzo.
- Janey, can you get off the phone? - You told me to answer it.
- Roger, change the baby.
Righty-o.
- Oh, how do you change a baby? - For heaven's Sorry, Mr Fleming.
Your root canal will have to wait.
Come on, Kenzo.
There's a good boy.
That's the boy.
Right, now, we make sure he doesn't pee all over us.
OK.
Right.
First, we do this, then we do that, and then we go - (Men wailing and moaning) - Anyway, Francine, got to go.
- Oh, my God! - This is a new suit! - I'm blind! I'm blind! - Dad, what did you do? What does it look like? I peed over Roger and Mr Fleming.
(Doorbell) Susan, how lovely to see you! Come in.
Come in.
I brought goat liver pâté in the shape of a mountain, as a sort of a food theme, you know, for Cold Mountain.
How clever.
We're just in here.
- Am I early? - Oh, when I say we, I mean you and me.
Oh? There were a few last-minute cancellations, so I'm afraid it's just the two of us.
Shall we get down to it? - Pardon? - The book.
Oh, yes, the book, get down to the book.
Well, I loved it.
- What did you think? - I loved it too.
Inman's torturous journey to be with the woman he loved, and the struggles Ada went through, waiting for him.
And the ending! Oh! - I wept.
- Really? I hope you don't think any less of me as a man.
Not at all.
I think more of you.
I wish Ben weren't afraid to show his emotions.
I only saw him cry when I was pregnant with Michael.
He kept mumbling, "Not another one!" I pretty much cried the entire book.
- And when the old lady killed the goat! - That poor goat! Cold mountain indeed.
Would you like some tea? Please.
I'll just be a tick.
(# The Look Of Love) You'll never believe this, but my husband had this strange notion that you fancied me.
(John) You don't say? I've never heard anything so silly in my life.
(Pop) - Bubbly-wubbly? - What happened to the tea? I thought it might be quite nice to toast the first meeting of our book club.
Here's to many stimulating discussions about books.
I thought the relationship between Ada and Ruby was fascinating.
The spirit of camaraderie they developed, turning the farm around, that was, in some ways, more fulfilling than the love between a man and a woman.
Look, you, I'm running out of sofa! It folds out.
- I think I'd better leave.
- But why? The champagne, the music, the sofa shuffle.
All right.
I admit it.
I find you beautiful, intelligent and irresistible.
Is that so wrong? No, because I'm all of those things, but you're wrong if you think it gives you the right to jump my bones.
Susan, I am so embarrassed.
Can you ever forgive me? - Was there ever really a book club? - No.
- Did you even read the book? - I saw the film.
God! Ben was right.
Please, give me another chance.
I'll read the book now.
Perhaps we could dim the lights.
- (Door slamming) - Oh, back so soon? - Well, it wasn't quite what I expected.
- Good turnout, then? Mr Griffin seemed happy with it.
Still, fun as it was, I couldn't help thinking about you, alone, in front of the telly, eating takeaway.
- Mmm.
- It's pitiful.
Wonderful.
You're putting a brave face on it, but I won't go to the next meeting.
- I don't feel right leaving you alone.
- (Chuckling) So you were bored, then? - I was not bored.
- Yes, you were.
You talk the talk, but when it comes down to it, you're just like me.
- I am not.
- Going to the next one, then? - And the one after that.
- Oh, fine.
Good.
Hey, I'm thinking of starting a television club.
Right, we all sit down and watch a telly programme, and afterwards, we all get together as a group, and then watch another one.
So, how was your book club? Oh Turns out the book club was just a charade for Mr Griffin to seduce me.
- Did he? - No.
But I was really looking forward to it.
Really? The book club.
Look, whatever you do, don't tell Ben.
He'll never stop gloating over it.
Yeah, and then he'll do this face.
- Good morning, ladies.
- Hi.
Abi, I have great news.
I've got tickets to your cold play.
Thanks for rubbing it in.
No, no, no, I meant for us if you'd care to go with me.
Are you joking? I'd go with Hitler! Yeah, well, I've just got the two.
I can't wait! I'm going to choose an outfit.
Roger Bailey, your plan is working.
(Chuckling) - Hi, Susan.
I was just - Yes, I know.
If they're good seats, she might even marry you.
She should do for what I paid.
- What's wrong? - The tickets! - I just had them a minute ago! - Don't panic.
They'll be here somewhere.
No, no, I'm not going to panic.
(Hyperventilating) I'm just going to hyperventilate.
Do you have a bag I could breathe into? (Doorbell) - Oh, Mr Harper.
- Yes.
Mr Griffin.
- Er listen, about last night - It's all right.
Heard all about it.
Susan told me.
- She told you? - Yeah, went on and on.
- Apparently found it very stimulating.
- Oh, really? I must say, you have a surprisingly positive attitude.
Yeah, well, I'm fine, as long as I don't have to hear about it.
- One of those marriages, eh? - Afraid so.
Well, no one's going to hear anything from me.
Hush-hush.
(Chuckling) Really? If only all of Susan's friends were more like you.
I see Well, in that case, could you tell Susan that there'll be another "book club" this evening? Oh, already.
You're a fast reader.
Eh? Oh, right.
- What are you doing? - Hyperventilating.
No, not you.
Susan.
I'm helping Roger find his Coldplay tickets.
- Who was at the door? - Mr Griffin.
Oh! Ah! - He's invited you to his place tonight.
- Ah! - A book club meeting.
I said you'd be there.
- Ow! - Why did you tell him I would go? - Because you had a great time.
Come on! Hey, and there's a James Bond-athon on the telly tonight.
I just think it's selfish of me, leaving you alone two nights in a row.
Hey, I'm the selfish one.
I don't care.
You have fun tonight.
Roger! Roger! Give me that bag! - Morning, Mum.
- Hi, Michael.
(Mumbling) Michael! Michael! I've lost the tickets, and the cold play is on tonight! Have you? Well, I have another pair.
I was planning on using them myself, but I suppose I could sell them to you.
Oh, Michael, how kind of you! I'm going to write a figure down on a piece of paper.
- Oh, God.
- You won't be sorry.
The second Abi hears Chris Martin sing Sparks, she'll want to lick your face off.
Michael, I can assure you, my intentions are strictly honourable.
- Which song did you say again? - You'll know.
Roger Bailey, time for a shave.
Look, you, I have to be here for one hour to make it look like I'm having fun.
I want you at least six feet away from me at all times.
Playing hard-to-get? Believe me, I could make it harder.
Not in the way that you think! I'm only here because I'm trying to prove a point to my husband.
Oh, Ben seems quite happy with our little arrangement.
- That's because he doesn't know anything.
- Yes.
I find him a bit dim as well.
I meant about this, you donkey! Is that my new pet name? (As Sean Connery) The name's Bond.
James Bond.
- Hi, Dad.
- The name's Dad.
Depressed Dad.
Can you look after Kenzo for a bit? I'm just off to the toilet.
At Francine's party.
Janey, you can't keep fobbing off your child whenever you want to take a break! - I'm not fobbing him off! - Well, what do you call three-hour lunches? - You're a fobber.
- If I am, I get it from you.
Don't fob your fobbing off on me.
It pains me to say this but you and I are very alike.
It pains me to hear it.
You know, Janey, I had secret places mapped out where you kids couldn't find me.
I mean, I loved you, but I didn't want to be anywhere near you.
That is exactly how I feel.
Sometimes I just need some space, or I'll go crazy.
- Of course you do.
With a child, it's normal.
- I don't mean Kenzo.
I mean you! We're in each other's pockets all day every day.
Janey, you've worked with me for two days, and only two hours a day at that! - It's still too much.
- OK.
If that's your attitude, you're fired.
- No, I resign.
- You won't get severance pay.
I'm fired.
Thanks, Dad.
I'll square it with your mother when she gets back from Mr Griffin's.
Oh, are you telling Ben about Mr Griffin trying to get off with Susan? Come on, Roger! The concert starts in an hour.
I know! I know! Curse my luck! Why aren't you two at the concert? - I've lost the tickets.
Again.
- What do you mean, "Again"? I lost the ones I bought off Michael, so I had to buy new ones.
- Now I've lost those as well.
- I don't know if it helps - but I have another pair.
- I haven't got any more money.
How about your watch? My late father gave it to me.
It's inscribed, "To Roger, my only son.
" Don't worry.
I'll just file that down with a coin.
No, Roger.
We don't have to go to the concert.
We can go upstairs to my bedroom and listen to them on my iPod.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Why don't you go and get it? - It's on the coffee table.
- You? Me? Bedroom? iPod? - Yeah.
- Ooh! - Right, Michael, give Roger back his tickets! - What? Oh, come on! Even Roger can't lose that many.
Hand them over or I'll rip your head off.
All right.
Can't find iPod.
What is iPod? It's all right, Roger.
Michael found the tickets.
Didn't you, Michael? - Yes.
- Oh, Michael, how can I ever thank you? You'll know when it happens.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, I do hope they play that song Sparks.
I like that song Sparks.
Do you like Sparks? No, not really.
Michael, can you look after Kenzo for a couple of hours? I'm going to write a figure down on a piece of paper.
- Would you like a martini? - No.
- Do you mind if I have one? - Just remember the six-feet rule.
- Could I negotiate a reduction to 12 inches? - Don't flatter yourself.
If you must talk, it has to be about Cold Mountain.
Got it? Are you sure I can't get you anything? I hate to see your lovely lips so parched and puckered.
- I don't remember that in Cold Mountain.
- It was near the end.
- (John) Can't I tempt you with anything? - Thanks.
I've got pepper spray.
(John) All right, you win.
Let's talk about Cold Mountain.
Oh, my God! What did you think about the sexy bit in chapter 20? Left me cold, like the mountain.
That's enough book talk.
Goodbye.
Ah, hello, Ben.
What brings you here? I've come to join your little book club.
- I brought a book.
- You want to discuss the dictionary? - No, I'm going to hit you with it.
- Ben - What's going on? - Isn't it obvious? We're discussing Cold Mountain.
Nothing funny about it at all.
(Chuckling) Really? Apart from a man in his underpants.
It helps him think.
I don't know what is more insulting, the fact you expect me to believe this, or you wouldn't admit I was right all along.
- Martini? - Oh, yes, please.
Susan, why put yourself in this situation, because you wouldn't admit you were wrong? I would sit with a hundred men in their pants if it meant I could have a literary discussion.
You can talk books with me, with or without underpants.
That stuff you read, hardly literature, is it? Page after page of boneheaded outdated republican cold-war nuclear politics.
- I hope you're not talking about Tom Clancy.
- Yeah.
You like Tom Clancy? - Fantastic.
- Yeah? - What about Cold Mountain? - I only chose that book to get chicks.
- You read Bear And The Dragon? - Only twice.
Hey, four times.
So pleased Jack Ryan became president.
- Oh, me too.
- Yeah, and that revolution in Liberia! - And the growing instability in China.
- The scary thing is it could happen.
It was just amazing.
It's my fifth reading, and I still find nuances that I missed.
The richness of the imagery, the foreshadowing And did you pick up the allusions to Robert Ludlum's Holcroft Covenant? - Oh, yes.
- Of course.
There's no doubt that Tom Clancy is the master.
I don't know.
I thought some of the motivation was a bit thin.
What? What motivation do you need? He's got a gun.
You shoot the guy.
All right, now, next month's book - How about this one again? - Yeah.