Reno 911! (2003) s05e12 Episode Script

mtv networks Death awaits the unwary newly licensed driver.
Banana berry kiwi wine cooler-flavored death.
Smell that smell? Smell of death around you? Well [sniffs.]
I'm gonna teach you how to keep your heads together.
I'm gonna teach you how to be smart.
Aw fuck, this is chloroform.
Sheriff's department! Freeze! Get on the ground! Freeze! [machine gun firing.]
[screaming.]
[gunfire.]
Aah! What? What? Aah! All right.
[grunting.]
[yelling.]
There's a tornado! No, terry- All: Hell, no! We won't blow! Yeah! No, no, no! He's my friend! Hey.
Hey, good job.
Yaah! Right on the ground.
Put it right on the ground.
[gunshot.]
aah! Dangle: Good morning, everyone.
Morning, Jim.
Good morning.
As you know, we have a serious problem With smuggling cell phones into jail.
I feel like I say it every day.
Nuts and butts, nuts and butts, nuts and butts.
What does it mean? Check under their nuts.
Check up in their butts.
And if you hear a suspicious ring, Check again.
Okey-doke.
Last night at midnight The 6-foot rule went into effect, Meaning that any lap dance that's given, The recipient of said lap dance from stripper Must be 6 feet in distance between the two of them.
Feet? 6 feet? Check the law.
You get closer to the damn women In the ice capades.
That's crazy.
I- I don't write the laws.
It's not our- Excuse me, lieutenant.
Can we move on to my news? Dangle: Raineesha.
Our special guest seated at the table this morning Is none other Than Thaddeus Owens the third From Strong Sister magazine! Ha! Welcome.
How are you? How are you? Pleasure, sir.
Because of my ties to the community- mm! And, um- mm! Yeah! All of the work- the wonderful work That I have done- uh-huh.
I am the newest Williams and johnson: Strong sister.
I'm sure everyone Is going to accommodate you In telling the wonderful truth About me.
Jones.
Sure.
Um, Kwanzaa around here is especially A great time of year.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, we look forward to that.
We all participate.
But thanks to Raineesha- We all light the candles.
Oh, the Kwanzaa candles.
Dangle: We light all 6 of them.
Weigel: We do the Kwanzaa dances- We hit the thing.
We hit the- Dangle: She-she has spread her love Around-around so many places.
Junior: I would just add that she's a model Of professionalism around the workplace Whether she's on duty or with her incredibly well-mannered children Who also idolize us law enforcement officers And what we do and why.
[rock music blaring.]
[yelling.]
ask her if she's a student At the Junior college.
What? Ask her if she's a student At the Junior college! Uh, do you go to Truckee Meadows community college? I've heard of that, but I'm actually A student of life, I like to say.
Oh.
No, she don't go to school.
She just lives here and does cocaine, I bet.
Ah.
Yeah.
I bet that he's An aquarius.
Uh, she says are you an aquarius? I'd have said leo.
I- I'm actually- I'm a libra, But I got leo rising.
I could see that.
You study astrology? No, but if you're in the strip clubs long enough, You hear a lot of that astrology bullshit.
Yeah? Excuse me.
He is an aquarius.
You were dead on.
Oh, wow.
He's surprised you were so dead on.
Most people don't get that right.
What do you do? Me? Yeah.
When you're not copping.
Uh, you know.
I just try to get outside a little bit, Watch some Nascar, fish maybe.
You fish? Yeah, I fish, yeah.
I fish, too.
That's pretty much the only thing I can do to really relax, you know.
Well, where do you like to fish? I go up to the reservoir.
Truckee reservoir.
I go up there, too.
Where those weeping willows are.
That's where the fishing always was the best.
You fish under them trees, it's perfect.
Hell, I'd go- Hey, where'd she go? I think I should definitely be recognized By strong sister maga- Ungh.
Strong sistebecause I am classy, Um, I am strong, I am, um, a black woman, I am gorg-I mean, gee- I'm gonna run out of fingers if I keep counting.
It's just-[giggling.]
And I wasn't available, So they couldn't ask me.
I'm just kidding.
What drove you to get into law enforcement And become a peace officer? Um, well-um There were Some men in my life uh-huh.
That tried to bring me down.
Ok.
Yeah.
They tried to say, "no Raineesha.
I won't pay child support.
" Mm-hmm.
They tried to say, "no.
I won't go half on your cable And your gas.
" ok.
Um, they tried to say, "no I will not buy you pampers.
" To which I said yes to law enforcement So I could track them down And know where they were See, that is- at all times.
Johnson: Your son is dead, and we condole you! Excuse me, she's not hard of hearing.
She's profoundly deaf.
Oh.
I'm sorry that your son is dead, And I am honored, though saddened, To show you his final will and testament.
Hey.
It's me chris.
Handsome boy.
This is my last will and testament.
Oh, very handsome boy.
If you're watching this, It's 'cause I'm dead.
I've been saving my shit.
Ok.
Don't even- in a baggie.
At the funeral, I want - don't.
I want you to throw it at uncle mark.
Ok.
[mother speaking.]
she knows why.
I have $35,000, mom.
Mm.
Just wait a second.
Let's see where this goes.
That I saved from my- My Internet business where I would dance for men- Ah, jeez.
In front of my computer.
Oh, what do I say? And over the years, I made $35,000.
Mm-hmm.
I know, I know.
I know how much you struggled, mom.
[nervous laughter.]
oh, god.
So I want you to put all that money In my coffin with me and bury me With the money.
'cause that's my fucking money, mom.
Ok.
Chris had an Internet business Where he told jokes And wrote funny Fictional stories.
Junior: The department of homeland security Has sent us a sample of this brand new State-of-the-art kevlar.
Uh, what it is, is a kevlar weave.
It's a, uh, synthetic microfiber With a nanodesign that actually repairs itself As it becomes ruptured.
Uh, this thing'll stand up to cop-killer bullets.
Theoretically, it'll stand up to a sniper shot At point-blank range.
Is that the new kevlar? That's the new kevlar.
Can I- can I try it first? Well, Junior- yeah, it's kinda my- I mean, that's kind of his deal.
It's kind of his thing.
He tries out the things- I don't want to be a jerk, I'd just like to try it.
I really am not being a jerk.
I just was- No, lieutenant.
Why don't you try it? Why don't you go out and test out The brand new state-of-the-art kevlar For the first time? I don't mind at all.
Ok, cool.
I will, thanks.
That's a regular old ladies' swimsuit.
Size 2.
And we put it in a pizza box That we just found.
Oh.
Opa! Oh, a round-off.
Wow.
That's incredible.
The old kevlar, you would not Have that kind of flexibility.
Opa! That's amazing.
Unbelievable.
It gives you a lot of pelvic room.
Yeah.
Oh, fantastic.
Lots of room.
It's pretty intimidating in a weird way.
Yeah? Hello, Youtube! Ho! See, this is just- I almost feel It's a little mean, isn't it? A little bit? Hey, wait.
Don't you gotfaggot class About now? Oh, ok.
Well- Hi.
I'm from the Reno sheriff's department.
Our friends at the Washoe county animal shelter Have lots of furry friends Who are currently available for adoption.
This here is Tiger.
Tiger is a 19-year-old tabby.
That's right.
Tiger won't be around for long, So probably best for a family With an elderly grandparent, Or a child who is terminally ill.
Maybe you're not sure if you really want a cat, And want to try one on a 3-week trial basis.
Purr-fect.
The shelter guarantees That Tiger won't be alive after that period.
So come on down today.
The Washoe county animal shelter, Where every day it's raining cats and dogs.
He just threw up.
To me Raineesha is more Than just a strong black sister.
Right.
She's a symbol.
A symbol.
I mean, she is like an icon.
She is like I was gonna say mrs.
Butterworth, and I don't mean that.
But what I mean when I said- When I was about to say mrs.
Butterworth, was like- You know, like a black- A wonderful, powerful strong black icon.
Mm.
Like Diahann Carroll.
Diahann Carroll would have been so much better than mrs.
Butterworth! And that's exactly what-exactly what I meant to say.
Chris: A gun Under the floorboards in my bedroom.
It's a pearl-handled.
38 That I got from a puerto rican kid.
Oh, god.
I sucked his dick for it.
Oh, boy.
What's he saying? You can do whatever you want with that.
Tell her it's a loan.
I suck a lot of - I sucked worse dicks than his.
His was clean.
Uh.
And mom? I Just want you to know I'll speak slowly 'cause I know you're retarded in your ears.
I just want you to know I blame you.
Oh, jeez.
Chris says he loves you.
He just wants you to remember him As the loving son that he was, Because he sure appreciated having you as a mother.
[translating.]
really? That's what he said? Because in life, he was such an asshole.
Sheriff's department! Man, I love the smell of this place.
Really? Yeah.
Sheriff's department.
What now? Carla Uh, serious news.
No joke.
This is not a joke.
Pff.
Don't pff me! Don't pff me! Don't fuck me! I didn't say "fuck", I said "pf! Don't fuck me.
He's not saying fuck, he's saying "pff!" I did not appreciate it.
"pff!" I don't appreciate that.
We're here on duty.
We don't like being "pff!" The county cartographer has re-drawn the line Between Washoe and Storey county.
So? So- It dissects your establishment.
The middle of your brothel! You built your place on a county line- What-? Prostitution legal.
Over here.
Prostitution illegal over here.
If I am here, yes? I'm paying, ok? Is that how you do that? Perfectly legal! You started it! This is legal.
If I'm here- Who fucks people like that? He does! Don't judge me! Don't tell me how to fuck people.
Maybe I do! Oh, my god.
What, is he in the seventh grade? You're in storey county.
Yes? Am I paying you? To fuck me in the ass? Yes.
Let me think about that.
No.
I don't enjoy that kind of thing.
Shut up! If you're getting paid To get fucked in the ass You push me one more fucking time- I'll push you any time I want to! I got her.
I got her.
You're like a little baby.
You couldn't even reach-ow! Fuck! Can I fuck him in the ass there? On this side, yes.
Ok.
You know what you do? You just jump.
They'll come right back out.
Oh.
Son of a bitch.
Wow.
Grandma taught me that.
Really? I'll tell you what.
I'm all for the 6-foot rule.
I think it's- I think it's safe.
I think it frees everybody up To know what the rules are So they can have fun.
You know? Mm-hmm.
Uh, and I actually put In the suggestion box Here at the station that, uh, That we might want to incorporate the 6-foot rule At certain times with certain deputies.
Uh I was tell- the problem is The cars would have to be a lot bigger.
It's a local ordinance that states That any lap dance has to be At least 6 feet away.
And the fine is $85.
And I'll be paying that right now.
And there's a little bit there for you.
Oh! Right.
Heh.
Rough.
Heh heh.
Get it.
Get it! Yeah! Oh! Whoa! That's illegal, too.
I'll pay some more.
She's taught me as a police officer Much like Rosa Parks taught me As a little boy.
That black women belong in the front seat Of the squad car Mm-hmm.
And not always in the back seat of the squad car.
I call her my own little Rosa Parks.
[with Spanish accent.]
Rosa, I call her.
Rosa.
Just like that brave little latina woman Who wouldn't sit down on the bus.
Uh, she was actually african-american.
Mm-mm! Like the great Rosa Parks.
Uh-huh.
She will not just do What the white man says.
Even sometimes if it's a direct order.
Check, check.
Mic check, mic check.
This is Trudy Wiegel here.
I'm undercover At the beaver trap strip club.
I'm gonna see if I can lure a gentleman Into touching me, And then we'll bring him into the slammer.
Well, well, well.
Hi! Uh, hi.
My name's Trixie.
The "x" is for rrahrr! [growling and hissing.]
That's ok.
I'm, uh I really am waiting for someone else.
You know what? All the other girls are 25 bucks.
I'm a buck fifty.
Ok, buddy.
Here comes your song.
Now, you only get one, So I hope you get a boner.
Um Heh.
Is this something? [sighs.]
ow.
Ooh, juicy.
Check out my juicy rear.
Hold on a sec- stop.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Time out! Time out! Time out! Time out! Would you stop for a second? Just stop, stop, stop! [growling.]
stop.
Honey, honey! Come on, sweetie.
Let's make like we're at a petting zoo.
Start petting.
Ooh! Oh, god! D.
J.
: Trixie, make your way to the stage.
Oh, god.
Trixie.
Are you Trixie? Yeah.
Trixie, you're supposed to be up on the main stage.
That's why I was saying-I was going, "Trixie, main stage.
"Trixie, main stage.
" that's you.
Yeah.
You're supposed to get up there And shake your poon.
I'm supposed to dance? Yeah! Oh, god.
[rock music blaring.]
[crash.]
She's new.
Are-are we jealous that we're not being profiled For magazines? No.
Not at all.
I've sent so many letters to penthouse That I'm getting a little bitter.
They could publish one.
Never published any, huh? Not one.
What subject matter do you cover? Uh, "never thought it would happen to me, "but I got done by 3 teenage girls at once "in a laundromat".
See, but that's been covered.
It's been done to death.
Three? Yeah.
It's been done to death.
You gotta think of something new.
Boat-boathouse? Boathouse orgy.
Boathouse orgy.
"I never thought I'd have a boathouse orgy.
" You just gotta- don't have a pen.
Boathouse orgy.
Never thought I'd have-ok.
Yeah, I think that, uh, Raineesha Should be very proud of her accomplishments As a strong black woman.
But I'm not real sure what those accomplishments are.
Not real sure what they are.
She is a True credit to her race.
She is a Shining beacon, An exemplary example of Nubian queendom.
She is a, um Dude, I can't do this.
I'm gonna break it down for you, ok? Sure.
Raineesha is a absolutely horrible, Horrible officer.
She would - she would be what I would consider An Afri- can't American.
We're talking about the same officer? We're talking about Raineesha williams? Yeah.
Her real name's Megan Linderman.
Excuse me? Yeah.
We don't even put bullets in her gun.
Are you serious? Oh, yeah.
But everyone else on- everyone is telling me How she's such a beacon, how she's such a light.
[sighs.]
someone told me she's like Rosa Parks Up around here.
I don't think she can read.
Uh Horrible news.
Um Strong Sister magazine has come out.
It's one of those.
"Rai-Rai, "36, 26, 54".
That's all the text they used.
Junior: This is how she's going to be represented.
Kimball: She's gonna be crushed.
Williams: Hey! Bam! Aah! Ha! Oh! What? Oh! A- ha! Strong sister magazine! That's me! That's me! That's me! We got it.
Yup.
Oh, you got it! Y'all was gonna surprise me? All: Surprise! Yeah.
mtv networks Captioned by the national captioning Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You ok? Uh-oh.
Mm.
Rai? What's wrong? What's wrong? It's hitting you.
It's ok.
It is embarrassing.
Here it is.
Here we go.
Let it go.
Mm-hmm.
When I think about The number of men in prison That's gonna jack off to me?! Ooh! It's making my eyes water.
I am just gettin'- ooh! Ha ha ha! Aim high.
Hey, Rochelle.
Hi, Chris.
How you feeling today? I'm dying.
Right.
Ok.
But, um- The only part of me that still works is my dick.
It's really hard right now.
All right.
Um, so, are you comfortable? I'm comfortable, but I've got The worst case of blue balls.
All right.
'cause I'm dying.
Sometimes veterinarians jerk off dogs and cats If they're in pain.
Even if they're not dying.
I - I've never heard of that.
Yeah, they do.
So, I don't know if you want To treat me worse than a dog or a cat.