Robot Chicken s05e12 Episode Script
The Departy Monster
It's alive! Mother, Father This is my boyfriend, Mario.
Charmed to finally meet your acquaintance, Mari-- oh! Did a pig shit out a dead fetus in here? Oh-ho-ho! I beg-a you forgiveness.
I come-a here through the sewer line.
Eh? Mario's a plumber.
So he commutes through human waste? And he's Italian.
Oh, okay.
Say no more.
Did you lose something, Mario? Hey, hey! I-a found-a one! Yes.
In our sofa.
And there it goes.
So I says, "Aye, paisan, toilet paper and-a paper towels-- They ain't the same thing!" Mm, another clogged toilet story.
What a delightful compliment to our mushroom soup.
Mushrooms?! Ay-yi-yi! Remind me to bring mushrooms on our honeymoon.
I'm so sorry.
I have a few allergies.
Mama mia! Flowers! Oh! My drapes! My meat drapes! Both equally dusty.
Ay-yi-yi! I, Professor Cornelius Q.
Quibblefingers, will be the first human being to travel back in time and see the magnificent dinosaurs! I give you the Delaptadon! Aah! I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Slight miscalculation.
Science must not be stopped.
I shall attempt again.
I give you the mighty Triactador! I, Professor Cornelius Q.
Quibblefingers, shall persevere! I shallachieve the impossible! I give you the ever-rare Brontioslauradon! I must get to the magnificent dinosaurs! Eureka! Oh, the irony! So beautiful! What a marvel of nature! Frankie? Sweetie? Oh, mumsy! Oh, dadums! Oh, God.
Philip and I-- We had a fight A terrible, terrible fight, and he -- he broke up with me! Maybe if you tried dating a girl for once.
Frank! Be nice.
Nice? Nice is a father who wants his son to have the best of everything and digs through fresh graves for two weeks-- Two weeks-- to find a big, thick, veiny penis to give him.
And then you go and put the heart of a little schoolgirl in his chest.
I wanted him to have some sensitivity, unlike his father.
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Is there anything we can do? Oh, mumsy! He said he never wanted to talk to me again! And if you were a real man, you would have ripped off his lower jaw so he couldn't talk to you, or anyone else, ever! Oh, dadums-- Dad! Call me Dad! Or Pops! Or Pa! The old man! Anything! Frank! But for the love of God-- Stop that, Frank.
Can't you see he's in pain? A pitchfork in the chest-- That's pain, okay? Somebody lighting your nuts on fire-- That's pain! Emotional pain.
Hi, Mr.
Frankenstein.
Ugh.
Is Frankenberry home? Philip? Frankie, I-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean all those things I said.
- There's-- there's just been so much-- - Oh, Philip.
I don't care.
I don't want to lose you.
You're my yummy mummy.
Ugh.
All right.
I'm going upstairs to take a shit.
Maybe I can mold some sort of a real son out of that.
Excuse me, God.
Can you make something so heavy even you can't lift it? I am fucking eating! Jesus?! Yes? Get this guy out of my face.
- All right.
Come on.
- I thought you were cool, man! I thought you were gonna be cool.
Throw it in the fire, Mr.
Frodo.
No! The ring is mine, Sam! My precious! Give us back my precious! Bleh! We found Hobbitses' finger, but where is my precious? It's there.
It's-- It's just further back.
It's there.
Yeah, right there.
But it's stuck.
You'll have to use your tongue and get it all wet.
You're almost there.
Just a little more.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes.
Yes! The shire! Where's precious? Here.
You've earned it.
My precious! Whoopsie.
If Hobbitses puts my precious on, we will have to try and takes it again, won't we? Mm-hmm.
I got a large double half-caf, non-fat mocha with soy - for Kltpzysam? - That's Kltpzyxm.
Oh! No, wait! Better luck next time, Mxyzptlk! Dude, you can't be back here.
The L.
Z.
may be swarming with covenant, marines, but you'll have the master chief backing you up.
I'm sorry I can't show you what I really look like.
Chief, do we have enough ammo for all these-- I'm gonna have to stop you right there, soldier.
I know I look pretty generic, but that's so you can identify with me.
Does anyone have a question that's not about what I look like? All right, then.
This is it, boys.
I'm dying, chief! If you think I'll give you a dying peek at my face, I'm sorry.
Not gonna happen.
Despite thousands of years of people readily identifying with distinct protagonists, I believe showing my face would alienate my audience.
Will you shut the fuck up! Where is your gun?! What?! I can't tell what you're doing with your face! It's a secret.
Well, you better be crying in there, dickbag, because you were our last line of defense.
I swear, your expression better be one of awed epiphany at how badly you just fucked up right now.
Can I use your gun if I find you a needler? What the fuck did you just say to me? If you want to call me an asshole, you better say it to my face! You three drowned and melted a woman based on the color of her skin.
In this court's eyes, that is a hate crime.
- It was Doro-- - Shut up, Lion! I don't want to go down for that bitch! She ain't missing me "Most of All," is she? The court finds you guilty of murder and sentences you to 10 to 15 years in a maximum-security prison.
But that ain't fair! Who was our lawyer? Sorry, boys-- Good at flying, bad at lawyering.
I'm gonna rape me a robot tonight! Got a new fish for you, Simmons.
That's my bunk.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- I'll move it down to-- - That one's taken, too, silly straw.
Oh.
Okay, um, where do I-- Well, I'll rent you that bunk up there, but the rent ain't cheap.
That'd be just swell.
You got any jelly or some kind of syrup or something? Hmm? For what? For eating my dick with! You want that bunk, you got to toss my salad, prag, or you can let me add some stuffing to your muffin-- either way.
Oh, don't listen to them.
They don't have to be so mean.
Come on, buddy.
You've got courage now.
We do a simple dime to 15.
I guess you're right.
Of course I'm right.
You'll see.
It's gonna be fine.
"I just don't have the heart.
" Oh, Scarecrow, what has happened to you? This place-- This place happened to me.
Is it that bad? It ain't Kansas, sugarpop.
Oh, dear! Is there anything I can do? Why don't you show me a little skin? Put 'em on the glass.
- Um, I'm sure I don't know-- - Your tits! Your totos! Put 'em on the glass! No, I can't.
I just can't.
Auntie Em raised a real bitch.
Oh, no.
No.
No, no.
No, no, no, no.
Noooooo! I swear, that's the truth-- And I ain't lion.
Let's see what you're made of! You like jelly?! It's a streamer party! Who's tossing whose salad now?! Do you have any last words? If you only had the balls.
Well, we are going to electrocute you.
Light up my life! Ba-da-ba ba-da-bap, Superman!
Charmed to finally meet your acquaintance, Mari-- oh! Did a pig shit out a dead fetus in here? Oh-ho-ho! I beg-a you forgiveness.
I come-a here through the sewer line.
Eh? Mario's a plumber.
So he commutes through human waste? And he's Italian.
Oh, okay.
Say no more.
Did you lose something, Mario? Hey, hey! I-a found-a one! Yes.
In our sofa.
And there it goes.
So I says, "Aye, paisan, toilet paper and-a paper towels-- They ain't the same thing!" Mm, another clogged toilet story.
What a delightful compliment to our mushroom soup.
Mushrooms?! Ay-yi-yi! Remind me to bring mushrooms on our honeymoon.
I'm so sorry.
I have a few allergies.
Mama mia! Flowers! Oh! My drapes! My meat drapes! Both equally dusty.
Ay-yi-yi! I, Professor Cornelius Q.
Quibblefingers, will be the first human being to travel back in time and see the magnificent dinosaurs! I give you the Delaptadon! Aah! I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Slight miscalculation.
Science must not be stopped.
I shall attempt again.
I give you the mighty Triactador! I, Professor Cornelius Q.
Quibblefingers, shall persevere! I shallachieve the impossible! I give you the ever-rare Brontioslauradon! I must get to the magnificent dinosaurs! Eureka! Oh, the irony! So beautiful! What a marvel of nature! Frankie? Sweetie? Oh, mumsy! Oh, dadums! Oh, God.
Philip and I-- We had a fight A terrible, terrible fight, and he -- he broke up with me! Maybe if you tried dating a girl for once.
Frank! Be nice.
Nice? Nice is a father who wants his son to have the best of everything and digs through fresh graves for two weeks-- Two weeks-- to find a big, thick, veiny penis to give him.
And then you go and put the heart of a little schoolgirl in his chest.
I wanted him to have some sensitivity, unlike his father.
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Is there anything we can do? Oh, mumsy! He said he never wanted to talk to me again! And if you were a real man, you would have ripped off his lower jaw so he couldn't talk to you, or anyone else, ever! Oh, dadums-- Dad! Call me Dad! Or Pops! Or Pa! The old man! Anything! Frank! But for the love of God-- Stop that, Frank.
Can't you see he's in pain? A pitchfork in the chest-- That's pain, okay? Somebody lighting your nuts on fire-- That's pain! Emotional pain.
Hi, Mr.
Frankenstein.
Ugh.
Is Frankenberry home? Philip? Frankie, I-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean all those things I said.
- There's-- there's just been so much-- - Oh, Philip.
I don't care.
I don't want to lose you.
You're my yummy mummy.
Ugh.
All right.
I'm going upstairs to take a shit.
Maybe I can mold some sort of a real son out of that.
Excuse me, God.
Can you make something so heavy even you can't lift it? I am fucking eating! Jesus?! Yes? Get this guy out of my face.
- All right.
Come on.
- I thought you were cool, man! I thought you were gonna be cool.
Throw it in the fire, Mr.
Frodo.
No! The ring is mine, Sam! My precious! Give us back my precious! Bleh! We found Hobbitses' finger, but where is my precious? It's there.
It's-- It's just further back.
It's there.
Yeah, right there.
But it's stuck.
You'll have to use your tongue and get it all wet.
You're almost there.
Just a little more.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes.
Yes! The shire! Where's precious? Here.
You've earned it.
My precious! Whoopsie.
If Hobbitses puts my precious on, we will have to try and takes it again, won't we? Mm-hmm.
I got a large double half-caf, non-fat mocha with soy - for Kltpzysam? - That's Kltpzyxm.
Oh! No, wait! Better luck next time, Mxyzptlk! Dude, you can't be back here.
The L.
Z.
may be swarming with covenant, marines, but you'll have the master chief backing you up.
I'm sorry I can't show you what I really look like.
Chief, do we have enough ammo for all these-- I'm gonna have to stop you right there, soldier.
I know I look pretty generic, but that's so you can identify with me.
Does anyone have a question that's not about what I look like? All right, then.
This is it, boys.
I'm dying, chief! If you think I'll give you a dying peek at my face, I'm sorry.
Not gonna happen.
Despite thousands of years of people readily identifying with distinct protagonists, I believe showing my face would alienate my audience.
Will you shut the fuck up! Where is your gun?! What?! I can't tell what you're doing with your face! It's a secret.
Well, you better be crying in there, dickbag, because you were our last line of defense.
I swear, your expression better be one of awed epiphany at how badly you just fucked up right now.
Can I use your gun if I find you a needler? What the fuck did you just say to me? If you want to call me an asshole, you better say it to my face! You three drowned and melted a woman based on the color of her skin.
In this court's eyes, that is a hate crime.
- It was Doro-- - Shut up, Lion! I don't want to go down for that bitch! She ain't missing me "Most of All," is she? The court finds you guilty of murder and sentences you to 10 to 15 years in a maximum-security prison.
But that ain't fair! Who was our lawyer? Sorry, boys-- Good at flying, bad at lawyering.
I'm gonna rape me a robot tonight! Got a new fish for you, Simmons.
That's my bunk.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- I'll move it down to-- - That one's taken, too, silly straw.
Oh.
Okay, um, where do I-- Well, I'll rent you that bunk up there, but the rent ain't cheap.
That'd be just swell.
You got any jelly or some kind of syrup or something? Hmm? For what? For eating my dick with! You want that bunk, you got to toss my salad, prag, or you can let me add some stuffing to your muffin-- either way.
Oh, don't listen to them.
They don't have to be so mean.
Come on, buddy.
You've got courage now.
We do a simple dime to 15.
I guess you're right.
Of course I'm right.
You'll see.
It's gonna be fine.
"I just don't have the heart.
" Oh, Scarecrow, what has happened to you? This place-- This place happened to me.
Is it that bad? It ain't Kansas, sugarpop.
Oh, dear! Is there anything I can do? Why don't you show me a little skin? Put 'em on the glass.
- Um, I'm sure I don't know-- - Your tits! Your totos! Put 'em on the glass! No, I can't.
I just can't.
Auntie Em raised a real bitch.
Oh, no.
No.
No, no.
No, no, no, no.
Noooooo! I swear, that's the truth-- And I ain't lion.
Let's see what you're made of! You like jelly?! It's a streamer party! Who's tossing whose salad now?! Do you have any last words? If you only had the balls.
Well, we are going to electrocute you.
Light up my life! Ba-da-ba ba-da-bap, Superman!