Spin City s05e12 Episode Script

Charlie Are you leaving? No, I usually carry an umbrella and my briefcase to the men's room.
The mayor wants to talk to us about his speech.
That's just an excuse to hang out with us 'cause he didn't want to be alone.
The mayor wouldn't use work to trick us into staying late.
Last night he said he wanted to review a tax proposal.
I spent the night listening to him talk about his high school football team.
He played football? No, he was just a big fan.
Charlie, Caitlin, good.
I've been thinking a lot about that speech for the fundraiser.
All business.
I think we should review a videotape of last year's speech see how we can improve it.
Sir, this is "blazing saddles.
" I must have accidentally grabbed the wrong tape.
This movie's a classic.
We gotta watch a little.
I was actually headin' out to meet someone for a beer.
Oh, no need.
Imported or domestic? Whichever one's stronger.
Angie, would you type this? It's the mayor's speech for the fundraiser.
You wrote another draft? I don't think I have time for this, Charlie.
See if you can squeeze it in when you're done buying pants off the net.
Charlie, I've got this mayor thing all figured out.
He's lonely.
He needs romantic companionship.
Hey, I'll watch movies with the guy.
That's as far as I'm goin'.
We should fix him up.
Why do women feel like the world is a better place if everybody's paired off? I won't be a part of any fix-up.
Okay, but I was just in the mayor's office.
There's a copy of "mystic pizza" on his desk.
I know a girl named Karen who'd be good for him.
My neighbor Judith would be perfect for him.
She's into music.
She writes.
She even grew a beautiful garden on the roof.
Is she hot? Is that all men care about? Well, the garden thing's a close second.
Give him her number and we're done.
We have to orchestrate a setup where he doesn't know he's being set up.
Isn't that kind of manipulative? Wake up, Charlie.
That's how it's done.
Maybe I'm just an old-fashioned guy, but whatever happened to meetin' a girl at a bar, buyin' her a couple of drinks, and goin' back to her place? Is romance dead? I am not going to a hockey game.
Don't ask me again.
When you needed someone to go with you to the ballet, I went.
And I was respectful, just like you asked.
You stood up and yelled, "hey, get a load of the jugs on that swan!" I just said what everyone was thinkin'.
I guess it won't hurt me to go to a stupid hockey game.
Ah, hockey! The sport of my people.
What are you talking about? I just found out from a genealogist that I'm 1/8 Canadian.
I always knew my lineage had exotic foreign stock.
It means a distant relative had sex with a mountie.
Hey, Caitlin.
Charlie! What a surprise.
The last place I'd expect to see you is here.
I mean, in all of New York City enough! This is Judith.
I'm Charlie.
I'm Randall.
It's a pleasure.
Yes, well, nice meeting you.
Sir, why don't we join them? Judith is very attractive.
She's got the look of a woman who's available.
My God, son, your libido is frightening.
I meant for you.
Oh, all my moves are rusty.
It's not like the old days when I could just wink next thing you know, she's in my microbus on the way to a steppenwolf concert.
Sir, you are the mayor of the most important city in the free world.
Trust me, chicks dig that.
He's comin' over, but I'm not sure he's got the killer instinct.
Phone call for the mayor.
Of what city? New York, sir.
That would be me.
I'm the mayor of New York.
Ah, thank you.
Uh-huh.
Well, I'm unwilling to declare a state of emergency.
I'll call you when I get back to my mansion.
So, you're the mayor.
Oh, you recognize me.
Of course.
I voted for you Twice.
Warm up the microbus.
Knock him on his ass! Come on, Carter.
You gotta get into it.
You call that skating? Let me tell you something you are no Scott Hamilton! Okay, this was a mistake.
I should never have made you come to this game.
I'm feeling comfortable here think I'm starting to fit in.
"Roll out the barrel!" * roll out the barrel * we'll have a barrel of fun * roll out the barrel that's good.
Switch seats with me.
Okay, fans, it's time to select a contestant for next week's million-dollar shot.
Section 11 Row v Seat 8! I won.
I won! Whoa! Did the mayor mention my speech to you? No.
He hasn't said a word about it.
Why are you obsessing about this? I'm just wondering, did he like it or not? You know something, don't you? Did he say anything to you? He hated it, didn't he? Tell me no, don't.
If it's bugging you that much, why don't you just ask him what he thought? I would, but I've barely seen the guy in a week.
He's spending every minute with Judith.
This morning I ran into him in my building's laundry room.
He was in Judith's kimono.
I can't believe she's got him doing laundry.
I mean, who's wearin' the pants? From what I saw, not him.
Hey, everybody! Guess what we did this morning.
Pulled off a jewel heist? We went shopping for a new wardrobe.
Ju-ju thinks I finally look "plugged in.
" Oh, I ate my first organic potato.
I can already feel the toxins being expunged from my system.
You should try one, Charlie.
Actually, I'm kind of attached to my toxins.
We've been through a lot together.
Charlie, I read something this morning that I liked very much.
Well, that's great to hear.
It was an article ju-ju wrote for the Chelsea bu called "Tofu and you.
" Anyway, I've gotta go.
I'm late for my racquetball game.
Oh, actually, Randall, I thought we'd go see that new exhibit of Correction I'm late for my tapestry thingy.
Did you see the way he backed down? She's leading him around by hisOrganic potatoes.
You can stare at me all you want, but if I make that shot, I am not splitting the million with you.
I know.
I know it was your seat to begin with, but we switched, fair and square.
Yes, I am aware that you took me in when I was kicked out of my apartment.
Yes, I am aware that I probably wouldn't be alive if you hadn't bailed me out of that Mexican jail, but sorry no deal.
Fine! If I win, you get half the money! End of discussion! I'm glad we had this talk.
Hey, guys, I'm Barry Melrose of ESPN hockey.
I'm here to take some pictures with Stuart bondek.
I'm Stuart bondek.
I'm glad to meet you.
Carter Heywood I get half the money.
Hey! Barry Melrose a fellow Canadian.
How are you? Paul lassiter of the ottawa lassiters.
What do you say after the photo op we ditch these hosers and party like it's boxing day.
Sweet.
Charlie, I read your speech.
Oh, great! So, what'd you think? Well, we thought parts of it were very interesting.
We did? Excuse me, sir.
Judith is gonna observe the meeting? No, that would be awkward.
She's going to participate.
Well, isn't this nice? Here's your speech.
It just needs a few tweaks.
Sir, you crossed out nearly every salient point in here the crime rates, public education, welfare reform.
They were a real downer.
Sir, I worked very hard on this speech.
And it was a very good first draft.
Thank you.
When I was up at 4:00 A.
M.
writin' it, I was hopin' for a thumbs up from the mayor's girlfriend.
Sir, can I see you outside for a moment? I'm sorry, sir.
Judith does not have the authority to change my speech.
Charlie, she's an experienced author.
In fact, in one of her past lives, she was a Greek playwright.
Why don't you just have ju-ju write the whole thing? That's a great idea, Charlie.
I'll go tell her the good news.
Ooh, Charlie, I hope this isn't a bad time, but can I have Wayne gretzky's birthday off? How 'bout Celine Dion's? Judith will bring down our administration just like yoko brought down the Beatles.
Look, this woman is not a problem.
That's what Ringo said.
Next thing you know, he was starring in "caveman.
" What the hell is this?! Judith told the mayor about the evils of processed sugar, so he replaced the vending machine with a juicer.
First my speech, now my sugar she's taking over.
She makes the mayor happy, and besides, isn't it possible she could make the speech better? Anything's possible.
I'm about to drink a carrot.
No, Stuart! You've got to want it! Concentrate! I can't with you yappin' at me.
How are you gonna feel in front of 20,000 screaming fans?! You wanna cry, tough guy? Come on, tough guy, mama's boy squirt a few.
Cry! Get off my back.
Hey, hey, hey.
Will you hosers keep it down? I'm nursin' a major hangover, eh.
Paul, give it a rest.
You're not Canadian.
We're sick of hearing about back bacon, fur trapping, and the comic genius of Howie mandel.
You guys are jealous.
That's what this is all aboot.
A million dollars at stake.
You could travel.
You'll be financially secure.
Babes love rich guys.
Hey, it worked.
Angie You're not rich yet.
Sir, can I talk to you for a minute? Absolutely.
In private.
Right.
Oh, Judith, I meant to tell you, somebody jammed a porkchop in the juicer.
Oh, no.
It was probably that big Canadian guy.
Way to keep an eye out, Charlie.
Sir, Judith's been around the office an awful lot, and it's makin' me uncomfortable.
What are you saying? You don't like her? No, no.
Judith's great.
She's by far my favorite extraneous person I'd rather not have around.
Sir, Judith is not qualified to advise you on policy, and she has no business writing that speech.
You're questioning my professionalism.
You're undermining my authority.
Not to mention, you're bad talkin' my lady.
If you'll excuse me, Judith gets upset when I keep her waiting.
Oh, my God.
You are so I'm so what? What am I? Nothing.
No, come on, tough guy.
Spit it out, huh? I'm so Whipped.
You are whipped! Judith and I may be a modern couple, but trust me, I'm still wearing the pants.
Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to center ice, where Stuart bondek will be taking ESPN's million-dollar shot.
What are you doin' here? I'm his coach.
He needs me.
Don't aim.
You always miss when you aim.
I know.
Remember Power through.
You're makin' it harder.
A million dollars.
Don't overthink it.
Relax.
Don't touch me! Don't shove me.
Let them go! Let them go! Let them go! Aah! Aaah! Ladies and gentlemen, it is an honor to present the mayor of New York, Randall Winston.
Mesdames et messieurs, c'est un honneur pour présenter le maire du New York, Randall Winston.
You need help.
My administration has overseen a time of tremendous prosperity for the citizens of this great city.
But prosperity can't simply be measured in terms of economic growth and financial security.
There's peace, love, and harmonic bliss.
Let's try an exercise.
Take the hand of the person on the side of you.
Come on, don't be shy.
Well, I think this is as good a time as any to do our big cash giveaway.
Taped beneath the seat of one of you lucky people is a crisp $100 bill.
Charlie, help me! I gotta get the original speech.
Paul, go out to the limo and get my briefcase.
I'm not goin' out there.
It's only 5 degrees celsius.
Paul, you are aboot to get your ass kicked.
Can I type directly onto the teleprompter? Sure.
Mo Movi Movilng.
Moving! Moving on You're typing too slow.
Let me type.
Okay.
I have to apologize.
We've had some Technical difficulties.
Man, I really have to take a whiz.
You typed that? That was for you, not him.
Why would I wanna know that? Here's the disk.
Other city things crime, crime rate.
Granted, the crime rate is up, "but what goes up must come down.
"Spinning wheel gotta spin round.
"Talk about your troubles.
It's a cryin' sin.
Ride a painted pony" Oh, thank God.
Ladies and gentlemen, we live in an age of opportunity.
Well, you blew our chance at a million bucks.
Hope you're happy.
Look, I told you in arena jail that I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
Do you know what I could have done with a half a million dollars? I could have finally produced my independent film.
Ah, yes "missionary: Impossible.
" Look, when you stop to think about it, we're both responsible.
It's both our faults.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean, you're an overbearing, annoying control freak, and I hang out with you.
How cool was it to have 18,000 people singin' that song to us, huh? * na na na na * na na na na * hey hey-ey, goodbye * na na na na * na na na na we're done with that.
Well, I, for one, learned a little lesson about greed tonight.
To think, I almost let money destroy our friendship.
Hmm.
Damn you.
I could have bought a Louis vuitton travel trunk! Okay.
Thank you.
Well The times loved the speech.
They're runnin' a full transcript.
Oh, and if anyone asks, your new anticrime program is code name "painted pony.
" I, uh, I wanna apologize.
Deep down, I knew that speech wasn't right.
I guess I was afraid that if I told Judith she wouldn't wanna see me anymore.
She's crazy about you.
You're smart, funny.
From what Caitlin says, you look great in a kimono.
It's all in the genes, Charlie.
My grandfather, God rest his soul had an ass like a marble statue.
You know what his nickname was? "Old marble ass"? Oh, I've told you this story.
You deserve to be with a woman who accepts you for who you are.
Remember, relationships are give-and-take.
They aren't just about the needs of one person.
Well, that's very perceptive, Charlie.
I had no idea you were so deep.
I'm not.
I just remember what women screamed at me during the breakups.
Oh, Randall, thank goodness.
That neoclassical German art exhibit starts at 9:30, and we are gonna be late.
Judith, there's only one thing I hate more than German art.
It's neoclassical German art.
I'm absolutely, positively not going.
Whatever you want.
I want you to be happy.
It's just, he's one of my favorite artists.
Okay, we'll go But not at 9:30.
We're going at 10:00.
Who's the man? Wouldn't it be great if they grew old together? If there's anything to genetics, she'll have a marble ass to look forward to.
The mayor and I are gettin' way too close.
Well, the good news is we're free to do whatever we want.
Got any plans tonight? Nothing.
You? Nothin'.
You wanna go to the mayor's office and watch "mystic pizza"? That's a chick movie.
You know that.
That's why I got the beers.
Sit, ubu.
Good dog.