Stargate SG-1 s05e12 Episode Script
Wormhole X-Treme!
Previously on "Stargate SG-1": (Hammond) I wanna know|who this man is.
OK, Martin, what's this about? - Who's he?|- Murray.
You stopped taking yourmedication.
I'm not crazy,|and you're not a psychiatrist.
I'm running out of patience|and I really need to know.
- What's that?|- A mobile computing device.
I snuck it outta Tanner's bag.
|It has multiple functions.
So you gonna drug me again? (Martin) It triggered what I laterrealised|was a suppressed memory.
I'm not just interested in outer space.
I'm from outer space.
Early this morning, approximately 0230, the Kepler space probe captured|this image as it passed by Mars.
- What is it?|- At first JPL thought it was an asteroid, but then they picked up|some strange energy readings.
They tracked the object and realised|it was changing course and accelerating.
Asteroids don't normally do that? No, sir.
The only logical|conclusion is that it's a ship.
- Do we have any way of identifying it?|- We do.
The energy signature is consistent with|a technology we've encountered before.
A year ago we found this pod|buried in a field near Billings, Montana.
Martin.
You mean the little guy with the pills|and the glasses and - I thought his ship was destroyed.
|- No, he said they came down in a pod.
After abandoning the ship.
He never|said what happened to it after that.
If it is his ship, we better talk to him.
Because it's on a course for Earth|and it'll be here in three days.
Then we must locate|Martin Lloyd immediately.
Hurry up, Major,|we need that force shield! I'm trying, but something's nullifying|the electrolyte on the generator! Try reversing the polarity! - It's not working!|- What do you mean? - I mean it's not working.
|- God help us.
(director) Fire! (imitates bullets) And cut! That was awful.
We have to do it again.
Check the gate.
We are moving on.
|Print everything! Nice job, people.
- Good moves, Shawn.
|- Um Uh yeah! Yeah, uh|great great job, everybody! Uh yeah! (man) Prepare foran x-treme adventure.
Fourx-cellent heroes in|an x-traordinary new sci-fi series.
Starring Nick Marlowe|as the wry Colonel Danning.
As a matter offact,|it does say Colonel on my uniform.
Hey, it's what I do.
(man) Yolanda Reese as the brilliant|Major Stacey Monroe.
The field emitters are offline|but I can generate a feedback loop.
(man) Raymond Gunne as DrLevant.
Dammit,just because|theirskulls are transparent, doesn't mean that they don't have rights! And introducing Douglas Anders|as Grell the robot.
Wormhole X-treme.
|Coming this fall, only on Well, that looked familiar.
- I don't see it.
|- Martin's involved in this? He sold the idea to the studio.
He's on|the production as a creative consultant.
- Then Martin has breached your security.
|- Not necessarily.
He got the whole thing from his|knowledge of the Stargate programme.
If the air force disapproved|it wouldn't have got this far.
Plausible deniability.
In the event|of a future breach of security, we will be able to point|to this TV programme.
If it stays on the air.
Doesn't change the fact|that Marty sold us out.
His motivations are of little concern.
Our first priority is to find out|all he knows about that ship.
Colonel, you're Wormhole X-treme's|new air-force consultant.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
|Bigger, much bigger.
- Copy that.
|- OK, so tomorrow we got 46 extras.
Make sure everybody's ready.
Hair,|make-up, wardrobe, costumes and props.
Has the props show-and-tell|happened yet? Man, he's gonna freak.
Excuse me.
Do you know|where I can find a Martin Lloyd? - He's one of the bigwigs around here.
|- Copy that.
Sorry? - Martin Lloyd.
|- Oh, yeah, over there, by the trailers.
- Thank you.
|- Who's that guy? Oh, they went with green? OK, it looks good.
Great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! What is that? It's fruit.
Scene 23.
OK, scene 23 takes place on another|planet.
So you think aliens eat apples? Why not? They speak English.
Get some kiwis and spray-paint them red.
OK.
So, now it'll go, uh "Nick walks into the garden of kiwi trees,|says 'How like Eden this world is', and bites into a painted kiwi.
" OK, um, you're the prop master, right?|So, you're a master of props.
So, figure it out.
That's what you're wearing? OK.
- Looks good.
|- Martin? Yeah, yeah.
Can I help you? Jack.
Colonel Jack O'Neill?|United States Air Force? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're|the new military technical adviser.
Right.
Listen, uh, don't speak to the actors.
Martin, it's Jack.
- Remember Billings, Montana?|- I've never been.
- But I am going to Sundance this year.
|- What about the name Tanner? Dr Tanner? Hammond? Carter? - Murray?|- Sorry.
I've got a concept meeting in ten minutes,|and if I'm not there on time, well well, they start without me.
But come|back tomorrow and I'll show you around.
No.
Look at my lips.
Big-ger.
- (Hammond) What have you got forus?|- Well, here's news.
I think Martin's had|his memory erased again.
Claims he doesn't rememberme|oranything about last year.
- Tanner must have gotten to him first.
|- Yeah, well, I checked out his trailer.
I didn't find any medication,|but there are a lot of vitamins.
Send in a sample for analysis.
|In the meantime, keep an eye on Martin.
Yes, sir.
Sir, if Tanner is involved,|Colonel O'Neill could use some backup.
I agree with you, Major.
|You leave in one hour.
I cannot thank you enough, Colonel.
It's been many bleems|since my people were enslaved by the minions of Lord Varlock.
Hey, it's what I do do.
- Aw, this isn't working!|- Cut! - Nick, what's up?|- It's meant to be a love scene.
We're walking through dead aliens! Right.
It's continuity.
|You just killed them all.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, can't|can't we walk somewhere else? Well, Nick, there is no somewhere else.
This is the planet we have,|between here and here.
That's the set.
The reality of the scene dictates that there|be dead aliens, cos you just killed them.
- We can always go back to the script.
|- No, we can't.
We've established that|one shot stuns, two shots kills.
- Nick just shot everybody twice.
|- So three shots disintegrates them.
OK, you know what?|I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that because that is quite possibly the|stupidest thing I've ever heard you say.
Why are you looking at me like|I'm an idiot? Why are you on set? Go write something.
Ooh! What colour is the beam|from the ray gun? We can't afford a beam.
Sound effects.
- It'll be great.
You'll see.
Reset!|- Back to ones.
Look, Nick, Nick, Nick.
It'll be in close-up.
|The dead aliens'll be below frame.
The audience is|gonna know they're there.
OK.
Kill the dead aliens.
- Aliens off the set!|- Aliens off the set! I said "Aliens off the set.
" Hey it's what I do.
It's what I do.
It's what I do.
- You're the new military adviser?|- Yes.
You're the real deal, huh? - You seen action?|- That would be classified.
Oh, I like that.
Sorta like a "yes", but really a "no".
This is realistic, right? The uniform.
Camouflage.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
You don't want to be|a target out there in space.
That's exactly what I said.
So why|aren't the aliens ever in camouflage? Oh, l I fought for that, uh, Nick.
But the studio wants the aliens seen.
An alien wouldn't want|to be seen, Martin.
Think.
Maybe that's why they're dead.
That helps me.
Thanks.
- Can we do this?|- Doing this! The X.
I know what you're thinkin'.
Um, it's a marketing thing.
You see, I wanted to call the show|Going to OtherPlanets, but research says that shows with|X in the name get higher ratings.
Ah.
Aaaa-aaaa-aaaaand action! The ship's on schedule.
Preparations|for departure are almost complete.
There's only one problem.
This is gonna complicate matters.
Very well.
You have my authorisation|to begin surveillance.
Keep a low profile, Major.
|We don't want to show our hand.
- Dr Fraiser.
|- Surveillance on Martin Lloyd, I assume? His house, actually, to help determine|if Martin's old friends have returned.
- Tanner.
|- Tanner may have been watching Martin.
Carter and Jackson will try to intercept|frequencies broadcast from his house.
Oh, so like a surveillance surveillance? In a way.
Are those the test results from|the vitamins found in Martin's trailer? Yes.
They contained|a significant amount of the chemical that Tanner used to block|Martin's memory before.
Which confirms|what we already suspected.
The question is,|what do they want Martin to forget? - Excuse me.
|- No, because it undermines my authority.
- Guys|- Ah, Miss Reese.
Uh, I'm having trouble with scene 27.
It says I'm "out of phase", so I can|pass my hand through solid matter - or walk through walls.
|- Yeah, yeah, cos you're "out of phase".
Um, exactly.
So, how come I don't fall|through the floor? - We'll have to get back to you on that.
|- All right.
- Hi.
|- Hi.
No takers? This crew does not appear to enjoy|the traditional dishes of Chulak.
- Show biz, huh?|- What happened to all the doughnuts? They were consumed by the drivers|before they retired to sleep.
We wish to converse privately.
Leave us! - Carter and Daniel?|- The investigation is ongoing.
Sure the signal's coming|from inside Martin's house? I've gone over the triangulation three|times.
I just have to match the frequency.
Hold it.
I've got somethin'.
- (Daniel) Hidden cameras.
|- Just like last time.
Huh, look, I know it says|he's weightless in the script, but look what happens when|I scratch out the word "weightless".
You see? He no longer|becomes "weightless".
- He just "becomes".
|- OK.
Fine.
Good.
But how else does Colonel Danning|get past the giant alien guard? Why doesn't he just shoot him? - Who is this?|- Colonel Jack O'Neill.
He's the new adviser.
He doesn't know|he's not supposed to say anything yet.
And you're telling me an officer can shoot|an alien without having to be weightless? - Sure.
Why not?|- I'd like to hear "Why not?" more often.
Now, the spaceship in scene 53.
We have to see the ship.
|It's crucial to the episode.
We're gonna see it in their reactions.
|It's like, my God, look at that ship! It's indescribable.
All right, you can do it.
For $5,000 less,|you can keep it in.
Are we done? Uh, Marty has a problem|with a scene in act three.
Oh, is that a fact, Marty? You have two-way travel|through a wormhole.
- So?|- That's impossible.
Matter can only move one way|through an open wormhole.
The scene is scientifically unsound.
OK, show of hands.
Who here|has won a Cable Ace Award? Hm? Thank you.
Oh, nice save with the|shooting-the-giant-alien beat.
Clever! - (director) Billy, make it go!|- Making it go.
Back to ones, folks! I am the creative consultant on this show, which means that nothing should happen|creatively without me being consulted.
He consulted you.
He just didn't listen.
You know what he did before? A show|about a talking dog who solves crimes.
So what if they had 100 episodes?! - Poochinsky?|- Yes, Poochinsky.
Great show.
Hey, Marty! Um what makes you so sure matter can|only travel one way through a wormhole? I must've read it somewhere.
And this secret government team|that goes to other planets.
- Where'd that come from?|- It's based on a story I wrote last year.
I couldn't get it published.
I was about to|give up, and I got a call from the studio.
To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure|how they got hold of it.
So, you just made it up? Never ask a writer|where he gets his ideas.
In truth, we don't know.
(phone rings) - O'Neill.
|- Colonel, we were right.
Tanner and the others|have Martin under surveillance.
It can't be a coincidence.
It has to be|to do with the arrival of that ship.
They may have tried to infiltrate|the studio.
I'll see what I can dig up.
Fire in the hole! Bigger! What is it about the word|"bigger" that you don't understand? The auditions are|in that building over there.
I'm not auditioning.
I'm with the air force.
Colonel Jack O'Neill.
Really.
Do you keep a record|of everyone who comes and goes? It's for a security check.
One of our generals is doing a guest spot|on the show.
It's a small but pivotal role.
I've got the licence plates|of every vehicle on file.
Great.
Would you mind|emailing them to that address? - OK.
Sure.
|- Thank you.
I like the uniform.
Why would somebody|with two PhDs become a teamster? The money, I guess.
Wait a minute.
This guy looks familiar.
You're right.
That's one of Tanner's men.
Oh, according to this, he's a production|assistant named Steve Austin.
I think we better pay Steve a little visit.
- He's on his way up.
|- Copy.
(knocks) Hello? So, where the hell did he go? Princess, I've seen a lot over the years:|the crystal rivers of Aradale, the blue volcanoes of Kash-tol-remi, even the starfires of Grablek 6, but none of it compares to you.
- (phone)|- What the? - Cut!|- What was that? Who was that? - Tail slate.
|- I want a name.
It's me.
Sorry, Nick.
No problem.
I'm sure it's important.
- OK, that's lunch.
|- Let me show you somethin' in my trailer.
- O'Neill.
|- Sir, we lost him.
One minute he was here,|the next he was gone.
- Yeah, they have a habit of doing that.
|- We do have one lead, though.
He made a quick phone call.
We traced it|to a warehouse on the East Side.
Bring backup this time.
We don't have long before the ship enters|orbit.
You'll have to confront Martin.
I will.
Let's go.
You know what I was thinkin'? You know what this show needs?|A sexy female alien.
- Trust me.
|- Marty! Marty, you got a second? Oh, well, now's not really a good time.
|I'm supposed to have OK, now's good.
"The colonel stood before|the pool of shimmering light, fascinated by the dancing ripples|in the event horizon.
" "What mysteries lay beyond|this mystical portal?" "What wonders awaited him|and his band of stalwart cohorts?" - Pretty good, huh?|- Damn good.
The only difference from the original is|that there was a fifth member of the team.
He was a handsome, smooth-talkin' alien who was stranded on Earth|when his crew deserted him.
The, uh, producers|made me cut that part out.
You have no clue|where you got this idea? Well, like I said Martin, it's all true.
- What are you talking about?|- Wormholes, travelling to other planets: it's all real.
I command a unit called SG-1 .
It's the advance team|of a secret military operation.
We explore the universe|through a device called the Stargate.
- The crew put you up to this, didn't they?|- Here's the kicker, Marty.
You know all about it.
|You've been through the Stargate.
Unfortunately, you've had|your memory erased.
So, what? Um|I'm a member of this SG-1? - No.
|- Then, how do I know about it? Because you're not|just interested in outer space.
You're from outer space.
Is this a pitch? Alien crash-lands.
|We have to find him before it's too late.
- Only, his memory's been erased.
|- Martin.
No, no, no.
It's not bad.
|If we just add a twist (bleeper) I'm needed on the set.
Why don't you type up what you have?|I'll take a look at the coverage on it.
Oh, uh No promises.
- Perimeter's secure.
Awaiting orders.
|- Let's move in.
Move in! Move in! Nobody move! Drop your weapons! Drop them! - Lower your weapons!|- You drop your weapons.
Now.
I'm Major Carter, United States Air Force.
And I'm Agent Malcolm Barrett, NID.
- NID? What the hell's going on here?|- We've been set up.
Hello? Someone paged me to stage six! Hello? Hello? (door opens) - Hey!|- Ah! Marty, relax.
What's goin' on? I guess the crew's just playing a prank by paging me to a stage|we're not shooting on.
It it happens all the time.
It's, uh out of respect, really.
Huh! Hey, n-nice one, guys! All right, stay with me.
Hello, Colonel.
Tanner, I presume.
- Is he with you?|- (Tanner) Don't worry, Martin.
Everything will become clear in time.
Gentlemen, the colonel's weapon.
- This is really bad.
|- Relax.
They're shooting the big finale.
|I have to be there.
I can see how that's high on|your list of priorities right now.
Couldn't you have dealt with them?|Why drag me into it? Marty! You are the reason we're here.
Oh, don't start with|that outer-space stuff again.
Martin, the vitamins you've been taking are laced with a chemical that suppresses|your memory.
I had 'em analysed.
OK, fine.
I'm an alien.
- Whatever.
|- They are aliens too.
- They're from your planet.
|- That is the stupidest act-four opening.
You should stick with the air force.
|A writer, you're not.
(door opens) Hey, how go the travel plans? Spaceship on time and all? I only ask cos I care.
Uh, guys, I'm kinda out of the loop here.
But, um, since I work in the TV business|and I don't really know anything, I was wondering if you would consider,|uh, letting me go, bec Oh.
I'm hoping that's your insulin shot.
Honestly, needles make me kinda queasy.
Don't worry.
Just a little something|to help you remember.
Oh, just tell me what you want me|to remember and I'll remember it.
Yeah, yeah, we'll rewrite it.
It'll be great.
- Let's go over this again.
|- You want a diagram? - They led us straight to you.
|- The aliens? Yes, the aliens.
Please, Mr Man in Black,|don't pretend you don't know about them.
Now we can't get ahold of Colonel O'Neill.
We have to go to the set,|find out what's going on.
You're going nowhere.
The NID's been|given full authority over this investigation.
- O'Neill.
|- Teal'c.
- How'd you find us?|- I witnessed your abduction.
- Where's Tanner?|- He and his men have again disappeared.
The real money's in syndication.
Martin.
Martin, come on.
If you wanna have lunch,|call my assistant.
Marty! Colonel O'Neill? Murray.
- You remember?|- Yeah.
The antidote worked.
|I remember everything now.
Marty, what happened?|Why'd they drug you again? They didn't.
- I did it to myself.
|- For what reason? When we went back to my planet and we|saw that it was gone, I couldn't handle it.
And the real-estate job was driving me|crazy.
I just wanted to forget everything.
You were gonna|keep takin' pills all your life? Another month and the long-term|memory loss would've been permanent.
Oh oh, no! - What is the matter, Martin Lloyd?|- The show is based on your programme.
Don't worry.
It's on cable.
So, why'd they bring you|out of it? Why now? The ship's coming.
We put it on a timer.
A backup plan in case|things didn't go right here.
- Why do they need you?|- I have the mobile computing device I stole from Tanner.
|They need it to access the ship.
- Where is it?|- Don't worry.
It's in a safe place.
- And rolling!|- Sound, speed.
- Scanning with the Quatroscanner.
|- I don't have it.
- Cut!|- Don't stop rolling! Still speeding.
Kenny, run, you underpaid,|below-the-line freak! - Billy, roll right now!|- Roll.
Kenny, I love you,|but you're not in this scene! Out! - Billy!|- Roll! Speed! Speed! Speeding! Action! It has to be here somewhere.
You used a real alien device|as a prop on the show.
Well, I'd forgotten what it was at the time.
Do you have any idea|what it costs to make one of these? - Can I help you?|- We're looking for the Quatroscanner.
- Ah.
It's at the location.
|- What? Why? - Somebody put it in the scene.
|- How come? I don't know.
I just do my job, man.
- Let's go.
|- Murray.
Yeah, get me Agent Barrett.
All right, good work.
Let's go, guys.
|We got 'em.
You two stay here.
- What?|- We want this ship.
It's too important.
Frankly, I don't trust you.
Agent Smith, watch over these two|and make sure they don't move.
Let's go, guys.
Murray, look around.
|Marty, you're with me.
I'm picking up the same gamma radiation|we came across in the photon belt.
That doesn't make sense.
Those|aliens couldn't have just disappeared, could they have? And turn, turn Doug! Cut! Perfect! And tail slate.
Good.
Doug, you were supposed to|turn to me.
OK, print everything! Moving on! - Good scene.
|- Thanks.
You really nailed it.
|Let me take this stuff for you.
Here you go.
Yellow! - Let's go.
|- No, they're about to shoot the big finish.
- Too bad.
|- I'm not leaving, Colonel.
OK, maybe I am.
You can control the ship|from here with this? Uh, maybe, but do I have to? Yes, Marty, you You can hand me the device, Colonel.
- Well, this is gettin' old.
|- Lower your weapons.
- Looks like we have a situation.
|- No, guys, you can walk away from this.
- We're not gonna come after you.
|- What about your friends at the NID? No more hiding.
Where's the device? What device? Colonel, we let you escape because we|knew Martin would lead you right to it.
(phone rings) That's me.
Mind if l? - O'Neill.
|- Sir, it's me.
- Hey, how you doin'?|- The NID have made your position.
They'll be there any minute.
- Everything all right?|- It is now.
I'll be in touch.
Time's up, guys.
The NID's on its way.
Look! They're too late! I'm OK, Murray.
We should return to the portal|before the aliens return.
What? What? I haven't finished|translating the alien text.
Grell, what do you think? What the hell is that? - Is that ours?|- Keep rolling! Keep rolling! Yeah, keep rolling!|Pan around, you monkeys! Hey, what's this about? I'm supposed|to be in all the cool scenes! Tilt up! Tilt up! Colonel, please.
You know as well as I do|they're never gonna leave us alone.
There's nothing for us here.
|It's time for us to go.
You officially owe me one.
- What about Martin?|- I believe Martin has chosen a new path.
We're gonna win an Emmy for this! Visual Effects category.
Thank you, Colonel.
We won't forget this.
Cut it! Print it! That's a wrap! Yeah, cut! Cool special effect.
- I've seen better.
|- Ah, we'll fix it in post.
Yeah.
So, you think we can get 18 in? Yeah, if we cut back on the mulligans.
|You think that's funny? Yeah, it's good enough for a walkaway.
When's a good time to fade out? Uh, right about now.
Stay tuned fora behind-the-scenes|look at Wormhole X-treme! I'm Christian Bocher.
|I'm portraying Raymond Gunne, who portrays the character of Dr Levant, which is based on the character,|uh, Daniel Jackson, portrayed by the actor, Michael Shanks,|originally portrayed by James Spader - in the feature film.
Are you OK? - Action!|- Look out! Agh! Agh! Ow! Argh! And cut! - No, no, no!|- Are you OK? No, I'm not OK! You you go! - Ice.
Can I get some ice?|- All right, let's get some ice in here.
- And this is the eye line.
|- Wormhole X-treme.
Enjoy the space.
You can do|anything with space.
You know You got the space between your teeth,|the space personal space Right.
OK.
So you're standing here.
As a matter of fact, it does say|Colonel on my uniform.
You know, it doesn't say Colonel.
- Did anyone ever think of that?|- Um, it's just a figure of speech.
It's a figure of speech I can't figure out.
|I'm not seeing Colonel on my uniform.
Uh, OK, somebody get me the word|"Colonel".
Uh, gimme a Sharpie pen.
Could it be here? Could it be here? - You realise this is not a real show.
|- You saying Wormhole X-treme isn't real? - All this is?|- It's not a real show.
It's a fake show.
Did my agent know about this? You're heroic.
Just look|over at this eye line.
- This isn't a real show?|- No, it's not a real show.
If it's not a real show,|why are you telling me what to do? How could this not be a real show,|if we're doing it right now? - Am I getting paid real money?|- Yeah, real money.
Well Whoa.
So what|plane of reality are we on right now? Hey, it's what I do.
Are you sure you can't see the difference|in our height? Can I get a half apple? I'm looking up her nose.
|You don't have to hit me that hard.
You can really see|the difference in height.
- You No, I don't, uh It's not obvious.
|- Look, look, I'm gonna measure it.
- I'm like, I'm like|- No, but on this lens, it looks right.
From this angle,|we look the same height? - I swear to God.
|- You wouldn't lie to me? - How come I never get to kiss anybody?|- Well, it's, uh - Episodes are being written for you soon.
|- Sure.
Just one eyebrow.
No, just the one.
And turn your back to me.
Turn all the way around to me and do|that annoying thing and then look away.
And action.
- How could this not be a real show?|- (groans) Oh, forget it.
Just turn.
OK, Martin, what's this about? - Who's he?|- Murray.
You stopped taking yourmedication.
I'm not crazy,|and you're not a psychiatrist.
I'm running out of patience|and I really need to know.
- What's that?|- A mobile computing device.
I snuck it outta Tanner's bag.
|It has multiple functions.
So you gonna drug me again? (Martin) It triggered what I laterrealised|was a suppressed memory.
I'm not just interested in outer space.
I'm from outer space.
Early this morning, approximately 0230, the Kepler space probe captured|this image as it passed by Mars.
- What is it?|- At first JPL thought it was an asteroid, but then they picked up|some strange energy readings.
They tracked the object and realised|it was changing course and accelerating.
Asteroids don't normally do that? No, sir.
The only logical|conclusion is that it's a ship.
- Do we have any way of identifying it?|- We do.
The energy signature is consistent with|a technology we've encountered before.
A year ago we found this pod|buried in a field near Billings, Montana.
Martin.
You mean the little guy with the pills|and the glasses and - I thought his ship was destroyed.
|- No, he said they came down in a pod.
After abandoning the ship.
He never|said what happened to it after that.
If it is his ship, we better talk to him.
Because it's on a course for Earth|and it'll be here in three days.
Then we must locate|Martin Lloyd immediately.
Hurry up, Major,|we need that force shield! I'm trying, but something's nullifying|the electrolyte on the generator! Try reversing the polarity! - It's not working!|- What do you mean? - I mean it's not working.
|- God help us.
(director) Fire! (imitates bullets) And cut! That was awful.
We have to do it again.
Check the gate.
We are moving on.
|Print everything! Nice job, people.
- Good moves, Shawn.
|- Um Uh yeah! Yeah, uh|great great job, everybody! Uh yeah! (man) Prepare foran x-treme adventure.
Fourx-cellent heroes in|an x-traordinary new sci-fi series.
Starring Nick Marlowe|as the wry Colonel Danning.
As a matter offact,|it does say Colonel on my uniform.
Hey, it's what I do.
(man) Yolanda Reese as the brilliant|Major Stacey Monroe.
The field emitters are offline|but I can generate a feedback loop.
(man) Raymond Gunne as DrLevant.
Dammit,just because|theirskulls are transparent, doesn't mean that they don't have rights! And introducing Douglas Anders|as Grell the robot.
Wormhole X-treme.
|Coming this fall, only on Well, that looked familiar.
- I don't see it.
|- Martin's involved in this? He sold the idea to the studio.
He's on|the production as a creative consultant.
- Then Martin has breached your security.
|- Not necessarily.
He got the whole thing from his|knowledge of the Stargate programme.
If the air force disapproved|it wouldn't have got this far.
Plausible deniability.
In the event|of a future breach of security, we will be able to point|to this TV programme.
If it stays on the air.
Doesn't change the fact|that Marty sold us out.
His motivations are of little concern.
Our first priority is to find out|all he knows about that ship.
Colonel, you're Wormhole X-treme's|new air-force consultant.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
|Bigger, much bigger.
- Copy that.
|- OK, so tomorrow we got 46 extras.
Make sure everybody's ready.
Hair,|make-up, wardrobe, costumes and props.
Has the props show-and-tell|happened yet? Man, he's gonna freak.
Excuse me.
Do you know|where I can find a Martin Lloyd? - He's one of the bigwigs around here.
|- Copy that.
Sorry? - Martin Lloyd.
|- Oh, yeah, over there, by the trailers.
- Thank you.
|- Who's that guy? Oh, they went with green? OK, it looks good.
Great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! What is that? It's fruit.
Scene 23.
OK, scene 23 takes place on another|planet.
So you think aliens eat apples? Why not? They speak English.
Get some kiwis and spray-paint them red.
OK.
So, now it'll go, uh "Nick walks into the garden of kiwi trees,|says 'How like Eden this world is', and bites into a painted kiwi.
" OK, um, you're the prop master, right?|So, you're a master of props.
So, figure it out.
That's what you're wearing? OK.
- Looks good.
|- Martin? Yeah, yeah.
Can I help you? Jack.
Colonel Jack O'Neill?|United States Air Force? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're|the new military technical adviser.
Right.
Listen, uh, don't speak to the actors.
Martin, it's Jack.
- Remember Billings, Montana?|- I've never been.
- But I am going to Sundance this year.
|- What about the name Tanner? Dr Tanner? Hammond? Carter? - Murray?|- Sorry.
I've got a concept meeting in ten minutes,|and if I'm not there on time, well well, they start without me.
But come|back tomorrow and I'll show you around.
No.
Look at my lips.
Big-ger.
- (Hammond) What have you got forus?|- Well, here's news.
I think Martin's had|his memory erased again.
Claims he doesn't rememberme|oranything about last year.
- Tanner must have gotten to him first.
|- Yeah, well, I checked out his trailer.
I didn't find any medication,|but there are a lot of vitamins.
Send in a sample for analysis.
|In the meantime, keep an eye on Martin.
Yes, sir.
Sir, if Tanner is involved,|Colonel O'Neill could use some backup.
I agree with you, Major.
|You leave in one hour.
I cannot thank you enough, Colonel.
It's been many bleems|since my people were enslaved by the minions of Lord Varlock.
Hey, it's what I do do.
- Aw, this isn't working!|- Cut! - Nick, what's up?|- It's meant to be a love scene.
We're walking through dead aliens! Right.
It's continuity.
|You just killed them all.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, can't|can't we walk somewhere else? Well, Nick, there is no somewhere else.
This is the planet we have,|between here and here.
That's the set.
The reality of the scene dictates that there|be dead aliens, cos you just killed them.
- We can always go back to the script.
|- No, we can't.
We've established that|one shot stuns, two shots kills.
- Nick just shot everybody twice.
|- So three shots disintegrates them.
OK, you know what?|I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that because that is quite possibly the|stupidest thing I've ever heard you say.
Why are you looking at me like|I'm an idiot? Why are you on set? Go write something.
Ooh! What colour is the beam|from the ray gun? We can't afford a beam.
Sound effects.
- It'll be great.
You'll see.
Reset!|- Back to ones.
Look, Nick, Nick, Nick.
It'll be in close-up.
|The dead aliens'll be below frame.
The audience is|gonna know they're there.
OK.
Kill the dead aliens.
- Aliens off the set!|- Aliens off the set! I said "Aliens off the set.
" Hey it's what I do.
It's what I do.
It's what I do.
- You're the new military adviser?|- Yes.
You're the real deal, huh? - You seen action?|- That would be classified.
Oh, I like that.
Sorta like a "yes", but really a "no".
This is realistic, right? The uniform.
Camouflage.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
You don't want to be|a target out there in space.
That's exactly what I said.
So why|aren't the aliens ever in camouflage? Oh, l I fought for that, uh, Nick.
But the studio wants the aliens seen.
An alien wouldn't want|to be seen, Martin.
Think.
Maybe that's why they're dead.
That helps me.
Thanks.
- Can we do this?|- Doing this! The X.
I know what you're thinkin'.
Um, it's a marketing thing.
You see, I wanted to call the show|Going to OtherPlanets, but research says that shows with|X in the name get higher ratings.
Ah.
Aaaa-aaaa-aaaaand action! The ship's on schedule.
Preparations|for departure are almost complete.
There's only one problem.
This is gonna complicate matters.
Very well.
You have my authorisation|to begin surveillance.
Keep a low profile, Major.
|We don't want to show our hand.
- Dr Fraiser.
|- Surveillance on Martin Lloyd, I assume? His house, actually, to help determine|if Martin's old friends have returned.
- Tanner.
|- Tanner may have been watching Martin.
Carter and Jackson will try to intercept|frequencies broadcast from his house.
Oh, so like a surveillance surveillance? In a way.
Are those the test results from|the vitamins found in Martin's trailer? Yes.
They contained|a significant amount of the chemical that Tanner used to block|Martin's memory before.
Which confirms|what we already suspected.
The question is,|what do they want Martin to forget? - Excuse me.
|- No, because it undermines my authority.
- Guys|- Ah, Miss Reese.
Uh, I'm having trouble with scene 27.
It says I'm "out of phase", so I can|pass my hand through solid matter - or walk through walls.
|- Yeah, yeah, cos you're "out of phase".
Um, exactly.
So, how come I don't fall|through the floor? - We'll have to get back to you on that.
|- All right.
- Hi.
|- Hi.
No takers? This crew does not appear to enjoy|the traditional dishes of Chulak.
- Show biz, huh?|- What happened to all the doughnuts? They were consumed by the drivers|before they retired to sleep.
We wish to converse privately.
Leave us! - Carter and Daniel?|- The investigation is ongoing.
Sure the signal's coming|from inside Martin's house? I've gone over the triangulation three|times.
I just have to match the frequency.
Hold it.
I've got somethin'.
- (Daniel) Hidden cameras.
|- Just like last time.
Huh, look, I know it says|he's weightless in the script, but look what happens when|I scratch out the word "weightless".
You see? He no longer|becomes "weightless".
- He just "becomes".
|- OK.
Fine.
Good.
But how else does Colonel Danning|get past the giant alien guard? Why doesn't he just shoot him? - Who is this?|- Colonel Jack O'Neill.
He's the new adviser.
He doesn't know|he's not supposed to say anything yet.
And you're telling me an officer can shoot|an alien without having to be weightless? - Sure.
Why not?|- I'd like to hear "Why not?" more often.
Now, the spaceship in scene 53.
We have to see the ship.
|It's crucial to the episode.
We're gonna see it in their reactions.
|It's like, my God, look at that ship! It's indescribable.
All right, you can do it.
For $5,000 less,|you can keep it in.
Are we done? Uh, Marty has a problem|with a scene in act three.
Oh, is that a fact, Marty? You have two-way travel|through a wormhole.
- So?|- That's impossible.
Matter can only move one way|through an open wormhole.
The scene is scientifically unsound.
OK, show of hands.
Who here|has won a Cable Ace Award? Hm? Thank you.
Oh, nice save with the|shooting-the-giant-alien beat.
Clever! - (director) Billy, make it go!|- Making it go.
Back to ones, folks! I am the creative consultant on this show, which means that nothing should happen|creatively without me being consulted.
He consulted you.
He just didn't listen.
You know what he did before? A show|about a talking dog who solves crimes.
So what if they had 100 episodes?! - Poochinsky?|- Yes, Poochinsky.
Great show.
Hey, Marty! Um what makes you so sure matter can|only travel one way through a wormhole? I must've read it somewhere.
And this secret government team|that goes to other planets.
- Where'd that come from?|- It's based on a story I wrote last year.
I couldn't get it published.
I was about to|give up, and I got a call from the studio.
To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure|how they got hold of it.
So, you just made it up? Never ask a writer|where he gets his ideas.
In truth, we don't know.
(phone rings) - O'Neill.
|- Colonel, we were right.
Tanner and the others|have Martin under surveillance.
It can't be a coincidence.
It has to be|to do with the arrival of that ship.
They may have tried to infiltrate|the studio.
I'll see what I can dig up.
Fire in the hole! Bigger! What is it about the word|"bigger" that you don't understand? The auditions are|in that building over there.
I'm not auditioning.
I'm with the air force.
Colonel Jack O'Neill.
Really.
Do you keep a record|of everyone who comes and goes? It's for a security check.
One of our generals is doing a guest spot|on the show.
It's a small but pivotal role.
I've got the licence plates|of every vehicle on file.
Great.
Would you mind|emailing them to that address? - OK.
Sure.
|- Thank you.
I like the uniform.
Why would somebody|with two PhDs become a teamster? The money, I guess.
Wait a minute.
This guy looks familiar.
You're right.
That's one of Tanner's men.
Oh, according to this, he's a production|assistant named Steve Austin.
I think we better pay Steve a little visit.
- He's on his way up.
|- Copy.
(knocks) Hello? So, where the hell did he go? Princess, I've seen a lot over the years:|the crystal rivers of Aradale, the blue volcanoes of Kash-tol-remi, even the starfires of Grablek 6, but none of it compares to you.
- (phone)|- What the? - Cut!|- What was that? Who was that? - Tail slate.
|- I want a name.
It's me.
Sorry, Nick.
No problem.
I'm sure it's important.
- OK, that's lunch.
|- Let me show you somethin' in my trailer.
- O'Neill.
|- Sir, we lost him.
One minute he was here,|the next he was gone.
- Yeah, they have a habit of doing that.
|- We do have one lead, though.
He made a quick phone call.
We traced it|to a warehouse on the East Side.
Bring backup this time.
We don't have long before the ship enters|orbit.
You'll have to confront Martin.
I will.
Let's go.
You know what I was thinkin'? You know what this show needs?|A sexy female alien.
- Trust me.
|- Marty! Marty, you got a second? Oh, well, now's not really a good time.
|I'm supposed to have OK, now's good.
"The colonel stood before|the pool of shimmering light, fascinated by the dancing ripples|in the event horizon.
" "What mysteries lay beyond|this mystical portal?" "What wonders awaited him|and his band of stalwart cohorts?" - Pretty good, huh?|- Damn good.
The only difference from the original is|that there was a fifth member of the team.
He was a handsome, smooth-talkin' alien who was stranded on Earth|when his crew deserted him.
The, uh, producers|made me cut that part out.
You have no clue|where you got this idea? Well, like I said Martin, it's all true.
- What are you talking about?|- Wormholes, travelling to other planets: it's all real.
I command a unit called SG-1 .
It's the advance team|of a secret military operation.
We explore the universe|through a device called the Stargate.
- The crew put you up to this, didn't they?|- Here's the kicker, Marty.
You know all about it.
|You've been through the Stargate.
Unfortunately, you've had|your memory erased.
So, what? Um|I'm a member of this SG-1? - No.
|- Then, how do I know about it? Because you're not|just interested in outer space.
You're from outer space.
Is this a pitch? Alien crash-lands.
|We have to find him before it's too late.
- Only, his memory's been erased.
|- Martin.
No, no, no.
It's not bad.
|If we just add a twist (bleeper) I'm needed on the set.
Why don't you type up what you have?|I'll take a look at the coverage on it.
Oh, uh No promises.
- Perimeter's secure.
Awaiting orders.
|- Let's move in.
Move in! Move in! Nobody move! Drop your weapons! Drop them! - Lower your weapons!|- You drop your weapons.
Now.
I'm Major Carter, United States Air Force.
And I'm Agent Malcolm Barrett, NID.
- NID? What the hell's going on here?|- We've been set up.
Hello? Someone paged me to stage six! Hello? Hello? (door opens) - Hey!|- Ah! Marty, relax.
What's goin' on? I guess the crew's just playing a prank by paging me to a stage|we're not shooting on.
It it happens all the time.
It's, uh out of respect, really.
Huh! Hey, n-nice one, guys! All right, stay with me.
Hello, Colonel.
Tanner, I presume.
- Is he with you?|- (Tanner) Don't worry, Martin.
Everything will become clear in time.
Gentlemen, the colonel's weapon.
- This is really bad.
|- Relax.
They're shooting the big finale.
|I have to be there.
I can see how that's high on|your list of priorities right now.
Couldn't you have dealt with them?|Why drag me into it? Marty! You are the reason we're here.
Oh, don't start with|that outer-space stuff again.
Martin, the vitamins you've been taking are laced with a chemical that suppresses|your memory.
I had 'em analysed.
OK, fine.
I'm an alien.
- Whatever.
|- They are aliens too.
- They're from your planet.
|- That is the stupidest act-four opening.
You should stick with the air force.
|A writer, you're not.
(door opens) Hey, how go the travel plans? Spaceship on time and all? I only ask cos I care.
Uh, guys, I'm kinda out of the loop here.
But, um, since I work in the TV business|and I don't really know anything, I was wondering if you would consider,|uh, letting me go, bec Oh.
I'm hoping that's your insulin shot.
Honestly, needles make me kinda queasy.
Don't worry.
Just a little something|to help you remember.
Oh, just tell me what you want me|to remember and I'll remember it.
Yeah, yeah, we'll rewrite it.
It'll be great.
- Let's go over this again.
|- You want a diagram? - They led us straight to you.
|- The aliens? Yes, the aliens.
Please, Mr Man in Black,|don't pretend you don't know about them.
Now we can't get ahold of Colonel O'Neill.
We have to go to the set,|find out what's going on.
You're going nowhere.
The NID's been|given full authority over this investigation.
- O'Neill.
|- Teal'c.
- How'd you find us?|- I witnessed your abduction.
- Where's Tanner?|- He and his men have again disappeared.
The real money's in syndication.
Martin.
Martin, come on.
If you wanna have lunch,|call my assistant.
Marty! Colonel O'Neill? Murray.
- You remember?|- Yeah.
The antidote worked.
|I remember everything now.
Marty, what happened?|Why'd they drug you again? They didn't.
- I did it to myself.
|- For what reason? When we went back to my planet and we|saw that it was gone, I couldn't handle it.
And the real-estate job was driving me|crazy.
I just wanted to forget everything.
You were gonna|keep takin' pills all your life? Another month and the long-term|memory loss would've been permanent.
Oh oh, no! - What is the matter, Martin Lloyd?|- The show is based on your programme.
Don't worry.
It's on cable.
So, why'd they bring you|out of it? Why now? The ship's coming.
We put it on a timer.
A backup plan in case|things didn't go right here.
- Why do they need you?|- I have the mobile computing device I stole from Tanner.
|They need it to access the ship.
- Where is it?|- Don't worry.
It's in a safe place.
- And rolling!|- Sound, speed.
- Scanning with the Quatroscanner.
|- I don't have it.
- Cut!|- Don't stop rolling! Still speeding.
Kenny, run, you underpaid,|below-the-line freak! - Billy, roll right now!|- Roll.
Kenny, I love you,|but you're not in this scene! Out! - Billy!|- Roll! Speed! Speed! Speeding! Action! It has to be here somewhere.
You used a real alien device|as a prop on the show.
Well, I'd forgotten what it was at the time.
Do you have any idea|what it costs to make one of these? - Can I help you?|- We're looking for the Quatroscanner.
- Ah.
It's at the location.
|- What? Why? - Somebody put it in the scene.
|- How come? I don't know.
I just do my job, man.
- Let's go.
|- Murray.
Yeah, get me Agent Barrett.
All right, good work.
Let's go, guys.
|We got 'em.
You two stay here.
- What?|- We want this ship.
It's too important.
Frankly, I don't trust you.
Agent Smith, watch over these two|and make sure they don't move.
Let's go, guys.
Murray, look around.
|Marty, you're with me.
I'm picking up the same gamma radiation|we came across in the photon belt.
That doesn't make sense.
Those|aliens couldn't have just disappeared, could they have? And turn, turn Doug! Cut! Perfect! And tail slate.
Good.
Doug, you were supposed to|turn to me.
OK, print everything! Moving on! - Good scene.
|- Thanks.
You really nailed it.
|Let me take this stuff for you.
Here you go.
Yellow! - Let's go.
|- No, they're about to shoot the big finish.
- Too bad.
|- I'm not leaving, Colonel.
OK, maybe I am.
You can control the ship|from here with this? Uh, maybe, but do I have to? Yes, Marty, you You can hand me the device, Colonel.
- Well, this is gettin' old.
|- Lower your weapons.
- Looks like we have a situation.
|- No, guys, you can walk away from this.
- We're not gonna come after you.
|- What about your friends at the NID? No more hiding.
Where's the device? What device? Colonel, we let you escape because we|knew Martin would lead you right to it.
(phone rings) That's me.
Mind if l? - O'Neill.
|- Sir, it's me.
- Hey, how you doin'?|- The NID have made your position.
They'll be there any minute.
- Everything all right?|- It is now.
I'll be in touch.
Time's up, guys.
The NID's on its way.
Look! They're too late! I'm OK, Murray.
We should return to the portal|before the aliens return.
What? What? I haven't finished|translating the alien text.
Grell, what do you think? What the hell is that? - Is that ours?|- Keep rolling! Keep rolling! Yeah, keep rolling!|Pan around, you monkeys! Hey, what's this about? I'm supposed|to be in all the cool scenes! Tilt up! Tilt up! Colonel, please.
You know as well as I do|they're never gonna leave us alone.
There's nothing for us here.
|It's time for us to go.
You officially owe me one.
- What about Martin?|- I believe Martin has chosen a new path.
We're gonna win an Emmy for this! Visual Effects category.
Thank you, Colonel.
We won't forget this.
Cut it! Print it! That's a wrap! Yeah, cut! Cool special effect.
- I've seen better.
|- Ah, we'll fix it in post.
Yeah.
So, you think we can get 18 in? Yeah, if we cut back on the mulligans.
|You think that's funny? Yeah, it's good enough for a walkaway.
When's a good time to fade out? Uh, right about now.
Stay tuned fora behind-the-scenes|look at Wormhole X-treme! I'm Christian Bocher.
|I'm portraying Raymond Gunne, who portrays the character of Dr Levant, which is based on the character,|uh, Daniel Jackson, portrayed by the actor, Michael Shanks,|originally portrayed by James Spader - in the feature film.
Are you OK? - Action!|- Look out! Agh! Agh! Ow! Argh! And cut! - No, no, no!|- Are you OK? No, I'm not OK! You you go! - Ice.
Can I get some ice?|- All right, let's get some ice in here.
- And this is the eye line.
|- Wormhole X-treme.
Enjoy the space.
You can do|anything with space.
You know You got the space between your teeth,|the space personal space Right.
OK.
So you're standing here.
As a matter of fact, it does say|Colonel on my uniform.
You know, it doesn't say Colonel.
- Did anyone ever think of that?|- Um, it's just a figure of speech.
It's a figure of speech I can't figure out.
|I'm not seeing Colonel on my uniform.
Uh, OK, somebody get me the word|"Colonel".
Uh, gimme a Sharpie pen.
Could it be here? Could it be here? - You realise this is not a real show.
|- You saying Wormhole X-treme isn't real? - All this is?|- It's not a real show.
It's a fake show.
Did my agent know about this? You're heroic.
Just look|over at this eye line.
- This isn't a real show?|- No, it's not a real show.
If it's not a real show,|why are you telling me what to do? How could this not be a real show,|if we're doing it right now? - Am I getting paid real money?|- Yeah, real money.
Well Whoa.
So what|plane of reality are we on right now? Hey, it's what I do.
Are you sure you can't see the difference|in our height? Can I get a half apple? I'm looking up her nose.
|You don't have to hit me that hard.
You can really see|the difference in height.
- You No, I don't, uh It's not obvious.
|- Look, look, I'm gonna measure it.
- I'm like, I'm like|- No, but on this lens, it looks right.
From this angle,|we look the same height? - I swear to God.
|- You wouldn't lie to me? - How come I never get to kiss anybody?|- Well, it's, uh - Episodes are being written for you soon.
|- Sure.
Just one eyebrow.
No, just the one.
And turn your back to me.
Turn all the way around to me and do|that annoying thing and then look away.
And action.
- How could this not be a real show?|- (groans) Oh, forget it.
Just turn.