The Avengers (1961) s05e12 Episode Script

1 This one.
Armed? No.
No! This one.
Armed.
Surely you cannot have any doubts now, hm? I want one more test.
One final test.
You're needed.
"Your presence is requested by Sir George Robertson, DSO CBE KCB.
" - Who's he? - The famous explorer.
Outer Mongolia.
Darkest Africa.
Over the Andes.
He's always going up the Amazon getting lost.
He's a very intrepid fellow.
Bad sense of direction.
It's going to be quite a junket.
- It's a fancy-dress party, you know? - No.
Er, Mrs Peel, would you mind? Are you sure you can afford the time for all this junketing? Eh? There's a matter of the dead athletes, six within the last week murdered.
- Seven.
- Ah.
A couple of weightlifters and several wrestlers.
- A brace of boxers? Very odd.
- Very unsporting.
Thank you very much, Mrs Peel.
Well, enough of these mundane matters.
A little socialising won't do me any harm.
- Well, how do I look? - Breathtaking.
You are so kind.
Now where is this party to take place? Er "Somewhere over the south of England.
" - Some party.
- Full marks for novelty.
- See you later, Mrs Peel.
- You can depend on it.
- Welcome aboard, sir.
- Thank you.
Welcome.
Welcome to Waterloo, mein Herr! This is ein Party, ja! You will enjoy.
Enjoy, you understand.
Das is ein Order! Er, care for a drink? Hardy.
Max Hardy, old boy, and this is Jason Wade.
- How do you do? - Joe Smith.
- How do you do? John Steed.
- Does champagne suit you, old boy? That'll do me fine.
Are you THE Max Hardy who runs the fencing school? I am, indeed.
Do you dabble in the foils, Mr Steed? I prefer the sabre myself.
- Er, come and meet the others.
- Thank you.
Ole! - This is Mr John Steed.
- How do you do? - Hello.
I'm Freddy.
Kitchener's valet? - Eh? Oh! - Super! - Thank you.
- And this gentlemen? - I'm no gentlemen.
I can see that.
How do you do? I'm Wilde.
Are you? Every minute of the day? That's my name.
Mrs Hana Wilde.
Musica! Musica! Welcome aboard, sir.
- Anyone here you know? - No.
Nor me.
Except by reputation.
Oh? Are we rubbing shoulders with the famous? Depends on your definition of "famous".
Freddy Richards.
Claims to be the world's strongest man.
You've heard of Richards' Rejuvenating Recipes? Sent under plain wrapper, build you up from a seven-stone weakling Into an 18-stone grotesque! That's him.
And Joe Smith? - Ah, now he isn't wearing fancy dress.
- Hm? Oh! Jose el Smithio! Best of all British bullfighters.
Killed 400 bulls last season.
That is quite a lot of That's a very impressive record.
Then there's there's Max Hardy.
I know him, but I don't know you, Mr Wade.
I track things down, Mr Steed.
- And then? - I dispatch them.
As quickly as possible.
- Big game hunter.
- Highly talented group.
And you? Oh ho! Here comes the chopper to chop off our heads! Welcome! Welcome, my lord high executioner! Damn fool idea having a party on a plane.
Well, it's certainly different.
- Can't enjoy a party without a few.
- Same here.
How many invited, anyway? That seems to answer your question.
- That's it.
- Just the seven of us.
And our host Where's he got to? Haven't seen him.
Not since I came in, anyway? He's probably up in front.
Mit the driver! Good afternoon.
This is your captain welcoming you aboard this special fancy-dress flight.
We are about to take off.
Please be seated and fasten your seat belts.
And no smoking now until we are airborne.
Well, I've heard of getting high at a party, but this is ridiculous.
- Well, it is sort of crazy, isn't it? - Highly eccentric.
What you'd expect from Sir George Robertson.
Yes! You may now unfasten your seat belts and you may smoke.
- Can I get you a drink, Mrs Wilde? - Thank you.
Steed, what did you mean just now? Sir George Robertson? Who the devil is he? Our host, of course.
You're at the wrong party, old boy.
Our host is - Mark Salter.
- Jack Peters.
- Lance Quilley.
- Nonsense! This is Charlie's party.
You know, Charlie Reed.
My invitation says Alfred Williams.
- How strange.
- Well - They're all different.
- Well, I never! You haven't said anything.
I've already said it.
Damn fool idea having a party on a plane.
- Who invited you? - A man named Godfrey.
Ha! It's a joke! - Oh Let's go find out.
- Yes, let's.
After you.
Now look here You may be interested to know that the weather conditions are excellent.
There's some cloud, but we should be climbing above that to 20,000 ft.
That's the request of your host.
I am not at liberty to reveal our set course.
Do go back, have your drink, relax.
The party hasn't started yet.
We've searched every inch.
There's no one else on board.
There's just us then.
The seven of us.
And we are stuck up here.
- There's no way of getting down.
- No radio.
And the manual controls aren't working.
There's nothing, but the autopilot between us and the ground below.
But there isn't any ground below.
What about the autopilot? Can't we break? Have you any knowledge of electronics? You damage that thing, cross a wire even, and down we go.
You know all about it.
I know enough to stop you killing us.
- You're taking it calmly.
- Why not? The drink's good.
There's plenty of it.
As our friend said, it's all a joke.
Joke? I wouldn't call it a joke, my friend.
- Nor would I.
- No, this has gone beyond a joke.
I agree.
Whoever arranged this is in earnest.
Deadly earnest.
- But why? - A mass kidnapping? Oh, come, come! In this day and age? - My money's all tied up.
- And I'm flat broke.
- Joe's loaded.
- I haven't got a penny to my name.
So you can wash out that theory.
- Nothing for it, but to wait.
- But for how long? Four hours at the most.
I checked the fuel gauges.
There's enough to keep us airborne for four hours.
Four hours.
And then? Drink anyone? There must be something we can do.
Sitting around is very bad for my muscles.
Why not drop out for a short stroll? Oh, funny! We should be looking for a common factor.
- What do you mean? - Common factor? Yes.
The reason why WE have been selected.
Don't you see? Seven complete strangers.
- But why us? - It's not money.
We've established that.
No, it's not money.
- We don't know your name.
- Mark Dayton.
Wasn't your picture all over the papers years ago? Yes, the mad major.
Didn't you invent a new method of unarmed combat? - You were quite an expert in that field.
- Expertise.
- Mr Hardy.
An expert swordsman.
- A bullfighter.
- A big game hunter.
- A professional strong man.
And you, Mrs Wilde The way you handle that gun, you're quite an expert.
Of course! That's the link.
We all have a special proficiency.
A physical proficiency.
What about you? What sets you out from the crowd? Oh Maybe the way I hold my umbrella.
That's no answer.
I want to know what you do.
As I was saying when we were so rudely interrupted Das was nicht schÃn.
Well, Kanwitch, they took that little scare pretty well, hm? Mm.
No panic, no hysteria.
Excellent.
Well, we better see about getting them down.
We're still losing height.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to land.
Would you kindly extinguish all cigarettes? 'And fasten your safety belts please.
Thank you.
' Very thoughtful of him to warn us.
I can't see anything.
Well, there's nothing to see but sea.
We're going to ditch.
- I tell a lie.
Down there.
Look.
- Look! It's an island! They're not going to put this there.
My advice is to get your backs against something solid.
They're overhead.
- How's it going? - Perfect.
Good.
We don't want to kill off our little guinea pigs.
Not yet anyhow.
They're down.
Steed! Here improperly dressed! Oh.
This is when the party begins.
Now where's my hat? Any idea where we are? I know where we aren't.
Spring in Park Lane.
Look! Over there.
What is it? There's one way of finding out.
Looks deserted.
Let's find out.
No one at home.
But somebody lit that lantern.
Fancy dress on the table too.
Dinner is served.
Fine array of cutlery.
I like the butter knives.
- Seven guns, swords - And seven of us.
But no napkins.
Yes, we used to be issued with something like this.
It's a tough job, guerrilla warfare.
Then we'd be given something like this.
- But what for? - To stay alive.
These are survival kits.
Charming.
Oh.
Six brand-new coffins.
That's set them thinking.
Six coffins, and yet there are seven of you.
You are all wondering why you have been brought here.
I can now tell you that you are all part of a fascinating experiment.
An acid test.
A new system for training fighting personnel has been devised.
The fine details are unimportant.
All you need to know is that it is claimed that this system speeds up the reflexes to a super-human degree.
It creates experts in all forms of combat.
Armed and unarmed.
It turns the ordinary man or woman into a lethal, unbeatable opponent.
It is necessary, however, to submit this claim to further tests.
That is why you have been selected.
You all have records of courage and fortitude.
All of you are experts in your own manner.
Your chance of survival will depend upon your individual alertness and ingenuity.
But, indeed, the odds are on your side.
In fact, when you stepped off that plane, the odds were 6:1.
This would be no test at all if it were not fair.
If the odds were not made clear to you.
The simple fact is this Your killer is in your midst.
Your killer is one of you.
It's ridiculous! Well, they've overlooked a couple of things.
The eyes on the portrait don't move.
The suit of armour doesn't contain a Oh! Well, Kanwitch, that's shaken them, hasn't it? As we hoped.
Speed up their reflexes, huh? Put them on their guard.
Well, what happens next? Just testing.
- They aren't blanks.
- You might have killed me.
- Oh, no.
That was very fancy shooting.
- Thank you, ma'am.
All right, Steed.
Now we know you can bend pokers and shoot straight.
Don't you think it's time we planned something practical? I quite agree.
A search? That's a good idea.
We'll split up then and comb the whole island? - Well, I'm game.
- No! We should stick together.
- Yes, I agree.
- Well, I'm used to fighting alone.
Oh, come on! I'll take this side.
Aren't you going to take advantage of what our host's provided? - Got the protection I need.
- Familiar weapons are the best.
It is much cleaner and less noisy.
To each his own.
What about you, Mr Steed? A hunted animal returns to his lair.
- You should know that, Mr Wade.
- I'll wait for it.
You coming? I I thought I heard someone yell out.
It came from over there.
- Who's been doing all the yelling? - No idea.
Who's been shooting at who? It was me.
Reflex action.
- What was that cry? - That's what we're trying to find out.
It came from here.
Right here.
That shot must have been heard half across the island.
- Any sign of the other two? - Whoever it is is trying to frighten us.
Succeeding is he, Mr Hardy? We'll spread out.
Make our way back to the house.
- Do you hear the shots? - Yes.
Those were no reflex action.
In there! He's dead? Looks as though his back was broken.
Quite right, Mr Steed? And then there were six.
Just the beginning.
Just the beginning! He was a professional strong man.
Yet someone just took him in their hands Perhaps it was Steed.
In one of his extrovert moods.
Yes.
And you stayed behind.
We all went off to search and you stayed behind.
- That's right.
- I gave you my reasons.
The killer is one of us.
That's what he said.
"The killer is in your midst.
" That's what he said.
- Just a minute.
Where's Smith? - Eh? - Joe Smith! He isn't here.
- Not seen him since he left the house.
He's not in our midst.
- What's wrong? - I don't know.
Hm.
So this made the noise.
- I heard a cry.
- Yes, I heard one too.
What happened? I'm not sure.
Have you seen Joe Smith? No.
- We'd better carry on looking.
- We'll try this way.
Sorry to startle you, old man.
I I thought someone was stalking me.
Someone stalking all of us.
- Have you seen Smith? - No.
Spread out.
We'll get to whoever it is one side or the other.
Right.
Hardy! Mr Steed first on the scene of the crime again.
Oh, don't be ridiculous! Wade and I were toge Where is Wade? He should have been here by now.
You tell us.
He was just behind me.
There was a cry He was just behind me.
Oh, look! How could it have been me? I wouldn't be caught here with Hardy's sword in my hand.
- Perhaps Wade went back to the house.
- Yes.
You can drop the sword, Mr Steed.
We'll go and take a look.
Of course, it could have been I.
It could have been Major Dayton or you.
We haven't been out of each other's sight for some time.
- What now? - Wait for Wade.
Yes.
He's your alibi, isn't he, Steed? If he's still alive.
You really should do something about that reflex of yours.
Just getting myself a drink to ease the tension.
- He's not coming back, is he? - Eh? - Wade.
- Oh! He's not coming back.
And what about your alibi now, hm? What about it? Could be a genuine owl.
Come on! We'll stick close together this time.
Just in case you need another alibi.
I saw something moving.
It was keeping alongside us.
- Are you certain? - Positive.
Well, in that case, as there's someone in there we'll need your help, Mr Steed.
Thank you.
We'll split up.
Circle the area.
Three down.
Three to go.
You are convinced? - Partially convinced.
- Oh, my dear chum.
You know my training system works.
You've seen my protégés in action.
I can create superbeings.
It really works.
And with your country's financial assistance, I can make an army of assassins.
If your protégé beats all six of them, you shall have all the finance you want.
If! Well, well, well.
A Malay tiger trap.
- And the trap's been sprung.
- Wade.
Surely a hunter like him wouldn't fall for that one.
Well, something's been in that net.
Or someone.
Well, if he was, he's been cut down.
Well, Mr Steed, you've lost your alibi and we've found our killer.
It's either a large mistake or it's part of a plan.
I didn't kill them, so it must have been one of you.
Shut up! Listen! Well, Mr Steed, hoisted by your own petard.
Were you with Dayton the whole time? Did he leave you long enough to have killed Hardy or Wade or one of the others? Or maybe it was you? Major, could it have been her? We know who did it! - Come on! - Where to? There must be some fuel on the plane.
There'll only be one of you coming back and then there's me.
I'm a sitting duck.
I'll get us fuel.
You collect some brushwood.
Right.
You look startled, Mr Steed.
Erm my adrenalin will bear witness to that.
Fake death.
Old hunter's trick.
Even for an old hunter, to be in two places at once.
You were with me when Smith was killed.
Shall we say a trade secret? You remember my trade, Mr Steed? I've tracked things down and I dispatch them as quickly as possible.
My record is 100% so far.
Just you and the girl left.
And I'm saving the girl till last.
Very decent of you not to dispatch me while I was in that net.
That'd have been most unsporting.
What shall it be for you then? The bullet? The garrotte? Or the knife perhaps? How about this for a start? Steed is putting up the best fight today, hm? I always thought he would.
An unmitigated failure! Beaten by a man who out-fought him at every level! Wade hasn't finished yet.
What?! But you saw! He took the spear full in the chest.
Wade will return.
Sit down.
My dear chum, sit down and watch.
Wade will return.
So you did get free.
- Eh? - And you killed Dayton.
- To be accurate Wade did.
- Wade's dead.
He is now, but he wasn't.
Don't ask me how.
Where did you put the body, Steed? Come and see for yourself.
After you.
There, you see! - Shoot! Kill me! Kill me like the others! - Others? You've had us suspecting each other.
All the time you I've only just arrived.
- How? - I dropped in.
That plane we heard, it was you? We had you loud and clear on the radar screen until about an hour ago.
Then we lost you.
I got a bit worried for a while.
Then I spotted the island and here I am.
You followed us? Why? Steed knew the invitation was a fake, so we made a little arrangement.
Where is Steed? Back at the house.
I'm afraid I clobbered him.
Naughty! He won't like that.
Game and set, I think.
He hasn't finished yet.
Yet? A mopping-up operation.
A mere formality.
This time there will be no mistake.
Goodbye, Mr Steed.
Who's that? I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it.
There's a reasonable explanation to everything.
Gemini.
There are two of them.
Identical twins.
A very elaborate fraud my dear chum! You would have got your money and I would have got nothing.
You tried to cheat me, Jessel.
Me! My dear chum.
- Seen anything, Steed? - Nothing.
Cowboy? We draw.
Bang.
Good.
Pity! I was just starting to enjoy myself.
Steed? My goodness! What's happened here? It looks as though I winged Father Christmas.
You couldn't possibly have done.
It's nowhere near Christmas.
Mind if I stay in case you miss anything? I never miss.
Oh, really? Well, here's one you missed.
Hey! Now all we need are some glasses.
Allow me.